Month: May 2012

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Going Crazy Is Enlightenment

As a counselor I have worked with some pretty extreme mental suffering in others. People who are what we all might consider a little crazy. They even consider themselves crazy.

Feeling so full of suffering that you feel crazy is tough, to put it mildly. Sometimes, people don’t make it out alive.

Nuts, bonkers, losing it, mad, whack-job, not all here, looney, round-the-bend!

And yet, I have noticed that in those moments of the most extreme pain within myself I felt pushed to an edge that demanded something.

Eckhart Tolle tells his story of sitting on a park bench, for several years, living in mental torture…and then one day the thought “I can’t live with myself”. Then another thought that there were two “minds” here. One that couldn’t be lived with, and the other that was noticing this.

Bang! There was a shift in his consciousness, and he never suffered as he previously had again. There was an observer there, he just hadn’t grasped the presence of this observer for long enough before.

Byron Katie has a similar story. Something happened after ten years of spiraling downward into the most terrible depression. And then a change, a huge change, but all within her own perception.

There is something amazing about this extreme edge. When we feel the most suffering, then we can’t ignore it, it is alive within us, the thoughts are SCREAMING!

I see this now as an incredibly good thing. An advantage. The natural way of it.

My uncle died of self-torture, and so did a dear friend of mine who I hadn’t spoken with for 15 years. They were both found in similar situations, their body shut down from alcohol poisoning. Their suffering went right to the limit, and then beyond…apparently.

I experienced this torture and very extreme behavior: starving myself, binge-eating huge quantities of food and then vomiting, running long distances, smoking cigarettes, drinking huge amounts of coffee, drinking alcohol to the point of blacking out, feeling suicidal, having anxiety and terror, fear of people hating me, thinking life is not worth living, that the earth is a terrible place, and that I can never be happy.

What if your strongest emotional experiences are what happens in Reality when you’re believing fearful, violence, abusive, painful and UNTRUE thoughts?

Maybe you’re about to experience a break-through! What if someone in this extreme mental suffering has the power to shift away from that forever, in a great and powerful way?

Joseph Campbell said “It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.”  

Write out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and let it rip, being petty, babyish, abusive, judgmental, name-calling. Letting your pain spill itself out.

Let it be extreme. The more truly extreme, the better. This is that voice, that terrified part of the mind on paper.

Those who are not afraid to let this voice write itself down on paper can see the story, right there. In this extreme place, breaking out, breaking through, cracking open can happen.

“Express yourself completely, then keep quiet. Be like the forces of nature; when it blows, there is only wind; when it rains, there is only rain; when the clouds pass, the sun shines through.” –The Tao Te Ching #23

Doing The Work is meditation, it is quiet, silent. You watch as the Observer. Who knows what will happen, the shift might be like an earthquake…or a calm evening. Reality will bring you exactly what you need.

With love, Grace

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So Sad I Can’t Be Near That Person!

In the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven this morning a participant brought us this concept for inquiry: “I can’t be near them”. She was thinking about her parents who were far away.

But everyone in the class could find where they had the same thought. Someone close to them had died, someone was physically far away,  a child had left home, a relationship had ended or never really blossomed.

This concept is only stressful of course if we believe we should be near them, or we want desperately to be near them, or that we are unhappy when we are NOT near them.

We have to be SURE that it is better if we are near them, or that there’s something sad about not being near them. We would be callous or uncaring….or weird, if we just didn’t mind one way or the other whether they were near or not. If we didn’t have stress, discomfort, unhappiness about how far away they are…..jeez! What kind of person would be that way!?!

J. Krishnamurti, an Indian writer and speaker who had many people who loved to listen to him during his life (he lived 1895-1986) once said “Do you want to know what my secret is? You see, I don’t mind what happens”. 

When I began to do The Work, I had so many things that I minded. To put it mildly. Not only were there people I wanted to be near (my father had died fairly young and I had thought of it as tragic) but I also wanted a LOT of changes!

I had a list, if God wouldn’t mind listening for a moment or two….which it seemed He wasn’t interested in (I wanted to be near him and thought I wasn’t). I love Katie’s little saying “Who needs God when we have your opinion?” Good point! Perhaps there was a chance that I was wrong?

Then I began to realize the relief in being wrong about my painful thoughts. If the universe was friendly instead of dangerous, then what an amazing feeling I found inside of myself. I wasn’t always sure…I still am not always sure. But even Not being SURE that it’s dangerous is a huge leap away from “I am positive that this place is dangerous”.

Seng-Ts’an was a great Chinese Buddhist teacher during the third patriarch who wrote these words as a part of a great poem:

The Great Way isn’t difficult for those who are unattached to their preferences. Let go of longing and aversion, and everything will be perfectly clear…..if you want to realize the truth, don’t be for or against. 

This doesn’t mean to delete all your preferences. It is natural to have them. I like blue most of the time more than red. We want things, we prefer things, we have joyful desires. We notice we enjoy being near certain people in our lives, so we want to be near them more. This is the way of it.

The Work helps us loosen the attachment to these preferences, this idea that seems true.

What if everything you think about being near that person isn’t true? What if Now is also OK? What if you can still be happy anyway, all by yourself?

From this vantage point, you can see the Great Way.

Lots of love, Grace

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I WANT, Therefore I’m Bad

Is wanting something stressful? It sure seems like it sometimes. We have the thoughts “I want it”…..I want to eat (even though I’m not hungry), I want a boyfriend (and I’m single, no prospects), I want more money (my bank account looks less than perfect), I want more time (my calendar is is so booked I’m starting to schedule “time to sleep”).

I WANT.

When we are babies or toddlers, we don’t really have an “observer” who is commenting on what we want. It seems babies cry or smile or reach or play and this thing comes along called “wanting” and it’s very simple. No judgment AGAINST the wanting feeling. It’s more like attention is turned toward getting what is wanted, it’s the way of it.

I remember one of the very first times I wanted something but then ALSO had the thought on top of wanting it that it was BAD to be wanting this thing.

I was eight. In school that day we were allowed to sit on top of our desks to watch a movie. Such a special and strange treat, sitting ON our desks, with our feet dangling down in front.

For some reason I caught a glimpse of my thighs and they were spread wide the way they would be sitting that way. But my mom had recently gone on a Weight Watchers diet and it had occurred to me for the first time in my life that sometimes, people want more food than they actually need, and they get upset about it. They don’t like the way they look.

I suddenly thought “Oh no! I am too fat! Being fat is bad! That’s what my mom is talking about!”

Later, the teacher gave us Reese’s Peanutbutter Cups. I wanted to eat it, but instead I took mine home for my little sisters. I would start copying my mom. We had the same “problem” of wanting too much food. Obviously.

This morning I worked with a client who noticed the thought “I want more time with him”.

She found that she was actually wanting more “fun” and relaxation.

I heard this dear client saying that one way she reacted when she believed the thought that more time with him would bring her happiness, is she had a new thought; “I am going to stop wanting more time with him”. That’s the little tricky part. The strategy to deal with this BAD WANTING. I want, therefore I suffer. So I’ll figure out how to stop wanting anything.

But what if the wanting isn’t “bad”?

So first, I find out who I would be without the thought that I have to have that thing I want in order to be happy? Then I find out who I would be without the thought that wanting it is bad?

Who would I be without the thought that if I was thinner, I’d be happier? Who would I be without the thought that if I had more money, I’d have more freedom, more adventure, or more security? Who would I be without the thought that if I had more time, I’d be more successful?

Who would I be without the thought that if I stopped WANTING things in the first place, I’d be happier? Can I just “want” and still be happy?!

 “Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward.~Byron Katie

With inquiry, I notice that wanting stuff is not so bad. In fact, it’s kind of exciting. It gives me new, creative ideas. It’s like the world is a playground and I see the swings, the jungle gym, the monkey bars and want to run around on all of them, oh boy!

I also notice, there is more to “me” than this wanting. It is not all I am.

“When things are not the way you prefer, that does not mean that they shouldn’t be happening. It means that they are not what you want….Your wanting it different means that you want it different. Whatever is you up til now is allowed. Whatever you want or choose now is also allowed. You are allowed to be what you are…”~ Bruce di Marsico

I am allowed to be what I am, wanting to have fun, play, eat candy. Wanting more time, wanting more money….

When I stop criticizing myself for be a big WANTING machine, I can find out more about what I fear, why I want, what is going on in this present moment where “wanting” exists.

What if wanting is the way of it, sometimes?

Come bring your fabulous WANTING and investigate it for the weekend in Seattle next month. We will gather at Goldilocks Cottage (my home) and dive into The Work and see who we are without our stories about believing we want. Limited to 14 people, non-residential.

For more information on this first weekend in June click here.

With love, Grace

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When They Think You’re Wrong

A few years ago I was working with a woman on a project who, it turned out, had some judgments about me, and about what the project outcome was supposed to look like. She was not happy.

One day I said to her “is there something the matter? I would like to hear what you are thinking” and then there was a stream of concepts pouring forth. “You are not being collaborative, you don’t seem to care, you are talking behind my back to other people about me, you are a liar”.

I was so stunned, and my face I am sure turned bright red. I had no idea she felt this way. I had suspected she was not a happy person about several things in her life. My thought had been “she complains a lot”. I had actually even done The Work on my thoughts about this….and wound up feeling a lot of compassion for her….from a distance. I had believed I need to stay away from her, she was too critical, too full of complaints.

Now, here was a human being, giving me what I needed right in that moment. Right in that instant I felt fear, sadness, fret, surprise.

  • I should have known how unhappy she was
  • I should have seen that she would complain about me
  • She is mean!
  • She is judgmental, critical, a perfectionist
  • She wants to be too close to me
  • She is nosy, she asks too many questions
  • She talks too much!
  • I am too introverted
  • I am too unfriendly

Investigating my thinking about this, I could see how the minute she “criticized” me, I was off into a vortex of fear. All coming down to “she doesn’t like me” and “I’ve done something wrong”.

And these thoughts themselves assume that if someone doesn’t like me it’s terrible, or that it’s possible for me to do something wrong.

The part of the mind that argues for safety, control, protection, and being careful….that part that is worried says OF COURSE YOU CAN DO SOMETHING WRONG, YOU DING-BAT! Watch out, you could make another mistake any minute now. Be careful! Just being yourself is not good enough! Being yourself might be bad! You should be more friendly, kind, talkative, open, truthful…

What if everything you’ve ever thought about someone else or about yourself that feels bad in any way is a belief that can be un-done, questioned, investigated, un-thought?

What if it’s possible to be peaceful, happy, loving, excited, joyful….in any moment, including the one where someone is yelling at you and clearly, thinks you’re making a mistake, doing it wrong, or doesn’t like you?

“Defense is the FIRST act of war. If you tell me that I’m mean, rejecting, hard, unkind, or unfair, I say “thank you sweetheart, I can find all these things in my life, I have been everything you say, and more. Tell me everything you see, and together we can help me understand. Through you, I come to know myself. Without you, how can I know the places in me that are unkind and invisible? You bring me to myself. So, sweetheart, look into my eyes and tell me again. I want you to give me everything.”~Byron Katie

I wrote down everything that woman said to me that I could remember. I looked at her words, and any place I wanted to defend or explain myself. I saw how she was right. I was distant, dismissive, I stayed away from her, something in me was bored with her, irritable, not collaborative, withdrawn. Something in ME judged HER as wrong!

She was right. I felt flooded with gratitude for her. I started talking more. I showed up more. I participated more. I said what I really thought. The whole atmosphere softened. I think about her face and I can see how hard she tries, how worried she is sometimes, how brave she was to speak up and tell the truth.

“All people are allowed to be happy at all times, forever. This is happiness: to know you are always allowed to be happy no matter who you are, what you do, and no matter what happens to you.”~Bruce di Marsico

With love,

Grace

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Terrible Horrible Bad Anxiety

Asking questions has been one of humankinds great activities, since some time way back when cave men first went exploring.

What is over there (past the edge of the world)? How can I stay alive the longest?

Socrates had big discussions with Plato about virtue and truth. What can be taught to humans? What is naturally inside of us from the beginning?

The great spiritual teachers, and probably many that we don’t know about, were asking “What is all this? What is the meaning of life? How can I know God?”

Anthony de Mello, a wonderful Jesuit priest and psychotherapist (who died in 1987), asked burning questions about truth, love, faith and reality. He said “problems only exist in the human mind”.

Byron Katie’s questions are so simple….and the answers I have found require lots of contemplation sometimes. Especially question four “Who would you be without that stressful thought?”

Yesterday I thought about one of my most painful experiences: craving. I used to experience this with food, cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine, then money, excitement, energy, attraction.

I’m talking about craving, that battle that goes I MUST have something, get it ASAP, and I won’t rest til I have it. Feeling desperate, emotional, ready to do anything to find it.

In earlier years food was always by far the biggest, worst, most overwhelming craving. The most destructive, wild, horrible experiences of over-eating to the point of feeling painfully stuffed, learning to force myself to vomit at some point to relieve the pain, then collapsing exhausted into sleep. That was a nightmare!

So many strategies for how to stop, setting dates on when I would quit, reading books on nutrition, reading self-help books, going to therapy, and always wondering what was wrong with me?

I was reading The Guru Next Door today and found new questions from this book applying beautifully to looking at my inner world. Seeing who I am when I am feeling something very intense. These kinds of questions help get to the judgments so you can see them written down.

One wonderful question in the book is: What is bothering you when you are feeling bad? I mean, really, WHAT IS BOTHERING YOU? About life, death, your work, other people, the world?

With my craving what bothered me was:

  • I have to consume something
  • I am very anxious
  • nothing will help me stop being anxious or upset except eating/drinking/smoking
  • I am out of control
  • my feelings are unbearable
  • I am powerless
  • this will never change

Today in the Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass we questioned the thought “Anxiety pushes me to eat (or abuse myself somehow)”.

I have anxiety, I have all these thoughts about how to manage it, how to get rid of it, what the problem must be, how to fix it, how to correct it. I am Against Anxiety for sure. No one out there with anxiety comes out OK, I have proof. The emotion of anxiety seems good for nothin’!

But who would I be without the thought that Anxiety is bad? What IS this thing that I’m calling Anxiety anyway?

What if Anxiety is good for something? Useful? Helpful in some way? Showing something of value? What if it’s a buzzing, quick, busy, nervous feeling as a response to stressful thoughts about the future, worries about the future? New thoughts that are untrue, that I could really question?

Turning my thoughts around that I used to have when I was craving something, it looks like this, much more peaceful:

  • I don’t have to consume anything at all
  • Some part of me has sensations (that I was calling anxiety)
  • This feeling will stop without me doing anything to help it stop, it will change
  • I am not out of control, I’m sitting here
  • my feelings are bearable, they are only a part of me
  • I am powerful (I can question anything that hurts)
  • this will change, it will always change (it never sticks around without letting up)

Spending time with each sentence and finding examples of how they are true can be mind-altering.

You can do this for yourself. There is no actual true reason to feel terrible, to feel hopeless, full of stress, out of control. Just as you are, even with anxiety, you are OK.

No reason to suffer, there is nothing wrong with you.

What, you thought you should not ever feel one drop of anxiety? That’s your goal?

“You move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer.”~ Byron Katie

With love, Grace

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Loving Yourself As You Are Is Scary

Movement, change, action, motion….everything is always changing. Some patterns repeat themselves, but never exactly the same way. Nothing ever freezes, nothing stops. There is always something new, different, next.

The times we feel most unhappy are because we want something to change. It’s like we believe “this will not change” or “this must change or I can’t stand it” and logically if you follow along, whatever is happening IS going to change. Things NEVER stay the same.

But arrrgh! So unhappy! I want more money! I need a better relationship with my child! My father should have lived a longer life! My mother shouldn’t have been such a perfectionist! Life shouldn’t be so full of uncertainty, pain, death and failure!

I love Byron Katie’s description of her huge shift of consciousness when she awakened to a different reality than the extremely painful suicidal one she had been living. She says that what happened is she loved herself more than anything, she fell in love with the being she saw in the mirror.

Katie wasn’t trying to love herself. In fact she writes in the book 1000 Names For Joy that it was as if something else had woken up, “it” opened its eyes, “it” was looking through Katie’s eyes. Love without condition.

The Buddha wrote “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”.

Benjamin Franklin said “he that falls in love with himself will have no rivals”.

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely”~Carl Jung

This self-love thing is not easy, it appears. And actually may even be disconcerting, even terrifying to do.

How could this be? We all want this unconditional self-acceptance! What’s the problem?

In the beautiful book The Guru Next Door by Wendy Dolber (which I just started reading) the hero and teacher Bruce di Marsico studied unhappiness and discovered for himself that it was based on believing painful thoughts. There are so many beliefs about our inadequacies, and believing that we need to suffer in order to get anywhere.

Doh! Where have I heard THAT before!?!

These painful thoughts about ourselves are the most painful of all. That we are actually ‘bad’ for ourselves, the way eating rotten food might be bad for us, or smoking cigarettes might be bad for us, or procrastinating, getting angry, wanting things too much, wanting the “wrong” things, needing stuff, not perceiving our own best interests, making mistakes.

How amazing to think that the way you are, oh you who are not successful enough, giving enough, honest enough, kind enough, self-realized enough, enlightened enough, mature enough, pretty enough, rich enough.. ARE ACTUALLY COMPLETELY and ENTIRELY ENOUGH.

Could this be as true or truer than the belief that you need to fix something about yourself? Write down what you think you need to fix! Investigate it!

The way I am walking the road of unconditional self-love is through inquiry. Anyone can do it, even if it feels frightening to give up the ancient beliefs that improvement is necessary for happiness.

Maybe life will have action, motion, change, movement without me “trying” to love myself or make things happen, and the movement will be beautiful. Maybe being here is not an effort. Maybe there are no rivals, anywhere, nothing to be against, when I love myself.

Eventually there is no fear. You come to feel total acceptance: I am this, for now. And it’s all okay…..Ultimately, mind becomes its own friend.” ~Byron Katie

With love,

Grace

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Getting Things Done With A Mind Like Water

Many people have heard of David Allen and his book and teachings “The Art of Getting Things Done”.  Allen writes about productivity and work. He writes about the opposite of the state of not needing to do anything.

As we read Allen’s book, even though he has a whole system of ways to organize and guide our activities where apparently we’re interested in “getting things done”, ultimately the core of it all points back once again to a central place where there is no stress.

The way to get a grip on the piles of things you have on your to-do list, and get meaningful things done with minimal effort, is to work with the mind.

“If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything“–Shunryu Suzuki (renowned for opening the first Buddhist monastery outside Asia and writing the popular book on zen practice Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind).

When I read David Allen’s book several years ago, it’s the first time I heard the term “mind like water”.

Water just goes where it goes, always down, or to the most natural easy place. It just runs that way. Mind can be like water, knowing there is a naturally easiest flow to any activity. Especially if I’m not holding the thought that it should go up THAT way, which is uphill.

Byron Katie speaks about the fear some people have when they start to question their thinking, that if I really “love what is” then I will lie down on the floor and let people walk over me, doing nothing.

But I love discovering that doing The Work actually creates more energy, action, joy, and creativity than I ever had before. Action comes. Getting things done is something that happens.

The more mind is like water, after questioning beliefs, the more I find that these things I want done, they are all fun to do. No procrastinating or waiting because I believe they will be hard, boring, or stupid.

And I also don’t have to worry about being a doormat or a lazy slug or never achieving anything of value or not accomplishing anything…..it turns out that after I question my thinking, action just happens.

Roshi Bernie Glassman, another interesting zen buddhist, talks about seeing himself take action, get involved with projects and change. He says it’s natural to take action. “If my hand is bleeding, I can’t sit around watching it just bleed and say, ‘I don’t know what the hell to do.’ If your hand is bleeding, you’re going to do something about it.”

I love Katie’s story of hearing a voice which said “brush your teeth”. That’s it. Nothing big, fancy, amazing. It didn’t say “get everything done that you could ever imagine doing”. It was just one thing, then another. Right and perfect timing for it all.

“Act without doing; work without effort. Think of the small as large and the few as many. Confront the difficult while it is still easy; accomplish the great task by a series of small acts. The Master never reaches for the great; thus she achieves greatness. When she runs into a difficulty, she stops and gives herself to it. She doesn’t cling to her own comfort; thus problems are no problem for her.”—Tao te Ching #63

All those things on your to-do list, what would they all look like to you if your main job was to relax with the list, do the one on top, not worry, empty your mind of the beliefs about what will happen if they aren’t done.

Question the thoughts like “it’s too much”, “I’ll never get there”, “I don’t have enough time”, “I hate doing that”, “I would be happier if…..”

With love, Grace

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Dying Is Exciting

In 1000 Names For Joy written by Steven Mitchell and Byron Katie together, the preface is by Steven, who is Katie’s husband. He is also a famous translator of mystic and ancient works and translated the Tao Te Ching in 1986.

Katie, who had no background in spiritual teachings and studies, asked Steven what Taomeant. He writes that he told her it meant “the way” or “what is”.

So I have a story of the world. We all do. The interesting thing to notice is how this reality changes, constantly in fact.

And yet some of the painful beliefs, if left to their own devices, repeat themselves over and over and get locked into a well-worn path, like the way footsteps get sunken right into stone steps of castles and stairwells that have been there for hundreds and hundreds of years.

If you took a rock and pressed a pin across its surface every day for a year in the same spot, without even much pressure or effort, at the end of the year you would have a groove right across the rock.

The only way out that I’ve really found that feels genuine and authentic, is to look at what my beliefs about the world are, especially the ones that feel depressing, frightening, or frustrating.

Here are a few beliefs I started thinking when I was really young:

  • Bad things can happen unexpectedly, randomly, any moment, night or day
  • Everyone dies, and this is frightening because we don’t know what it’s like after death
  • Dying hurts
  • People can be dangerous, they hurt us emotionally or physically
  • I’m not sure what is really true…and this is alarming! I’m supposed to know!
  • If I don’t inhabit this body, then I might not exist anymore….and that is scary
  • I have to do positive things, get positive things, learn positive things, think positive things if I want a happy life
  • God doesn’t care that bad things happen, since they happen (is God busy? mean? lackadaisical? uninterested? what gives?)

Steven Mitchell goes on to say in the preface of 1000 Names that no one knows how to “let go”. Here come the thoughts. You’re already thinking them, you can’t stop them. They flow in like a river.

But we can question the thoughts that produce suffering. As a matter of fact, it seems this is all we can do. Either believe the ideas that come along, or question them. This means looking in a deep way, with courage.

Some of us a hard nuts to crack, so the courage to look and investigate our thinking comes only after very acute suffering (I speak for myself!). In fact, for me, I would say that I’m not sure I even am all that courageous.

If something besides questioning my thoughts had worked that seemed a little easier, then I probably would have taken it. Like a pill. But as I’ve mentioned before, none of the usual devices ever worked, and they sure didn’t last long. Everything that relieved pain did it only temporarily, and then that thing itself caused MORE pain.

So what if I look at the turnarounds to these basic childhood beliefs:

  • Things happen right when they need to, it’s OK, I don’t have to know ahead of time, and by the way, good things can happen randomly as well, day or night
  • Everyone dies and it’s exciting, who am I to say it’s “bad”
  • Dying does not hurt, dying heals
  • People are not dangerous at all, they can’t hurt us emotionally or physically–we always heal, we always make discoveries, people help us
  • I’m not supposed to know, the world runs itself without my opinion
  • If I don’t exist in this body, what’s the problem? It’s “scary” if there isn’t a Grace Bell in the universe anymore? Really?
  • I don’t have to do anything, have anything, learn anything, or think anything to have a happy life
  • I have no idea what God is doing and maybe it doesn’t matter if God cares or not, all is actually quite well…and by the way, maybe those things that I think are bad that are happening all over the place are not actually bad.

Katie says that once she questioned her painful beliefs, they lost their power to cause pain. They became funny. They stopped even arising anymore.

What if the pain is a message saying “you know, you could stop dragging that pin across the rock every single day” or “pay attention, you might be believing something that is not actually true”.

Even the big, all-encompassing, great beliefs like “dying is bad”.

Much Love,
Grace