Tag: the work of Byron Katie

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Not Wanting Death is A Recipe For Unhappiness

Deep in the middle of a dark, rainy day last winter, I noticed one of my neighbors limping.

We had many talks over the fence during summer lawn-mowing days. We took in each other’s mail if we were ever on vacation. I borrowed their ladder.

I had the thought at the time to joke with him because I myself was on crutches, not able to sit, and mostly lying in bed, healing.

I’ll talk with him once I’m back on my feet, I thought. 

He and his partner left their usual holiday goodies tin at our door. They made them together for everyone in the neighborhood every year. I had heard them knock, but couldn’t get up to answer. 

Then it just seemed quieter over there. Much quieter. I never saw my neighbor with the limp. I had the thought that he was gone.

Yesterday, I finally went over to their house to check in, say hello. No answer, so I left a card in their mailbox. 

It turned out, he recently died. 

His limp was cancer riddling his leg and then his whole body. 

I talked for a long time with his life partner, more than we ever have in 8 years of being neighbors. I heard about both their families, the story of the disease, the funeral. 

I can hear the mind get fired up, begin to make comments here and there in the background. 

I should have gone over there sooner. I could have had them come by for tea during the holidays. We never shared a meal. There’s nothing I can do now. I missed my chance. He’s gone. He was younger than me. Everything’s temporary.

I know its not true. But a melancholy sense of the briefness of life. 

How do I react when I believe he died and I’ll never get the chance to deepen the relationship, see him, do happy neighborly things, share more?

Sad, concerned, aware of how brief This all seems sometimes. Then I also have a voice that thinks it doesn’t matter, we weren’t very close. People die every day. 

The reactive mind sorts, categorizes, evaluates, chatters. Trying to reduce pain, manage information, protect, alert. 

So who would I be without the belief that I missed my chance to connect? Without the thought that it went less than the way it could have gone, that I should have gone over there sooner?

Here in the present, simply taking in this information. 

“Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder where the ‘younger you’ went? That is the unchanging sense of being noticing the changing world. Change can only be noticed against a background of stillness. There can be stillness without change, but there cannot be change without stillness.” ~ Fred Davis

Turning the thoughts around that my neighbor died, that it was a surprise, that it’s troubling to be unaware of when the ‘end’ will come, that I missed a chance for greater connection….

….an sense of the unknown fills the room, an alive pulsing mystery.

The wind blows a wind chime, the heater kicks on and hums, the lights glow. I look around and there are pictures, colors, shapes absolutely everywhere.

There is memory of my dear neighbors, one now without a body, one still in a body, also here in this present moment.

I shouldn’t have done anything sooner. It was perfect not to have them over for tea. We shared all that was needed to share. There’s anything and everything I can do now. I gained my chance for connection. He’s here. He was younger than me, how wonderful. 

Everything’s temporary.

Now, today, in this moment I notice the change in everything, every moment. The movement of all things. Energy and stillness. 

Today, I am here, tomorrow perhaps not. Halleluia.

“No argument in the world can make the slightest dent in what has already happened. Prayer can’t change it, begging and pleading can’t change it, punishing yourself can’t change it, your will has no power at all………nothing less than an open mind is creative enough to free you from the pain of arguing with what is. An open mind is the only way to peace. As long as you think that you know what should and shouldn’t happen, you’re trying to manipulate God. This is a recipe for unhappiness.” ~ Byron Katie

Today, I love being reminded through my dear neighbor’s passing, of even being willing to consider what is wonderful about everything being temporary, including my life.

What is wonderful about death for you, today? 

Much love, Grace

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Not Believing Your 10,000 Thoughts = Peace Around Food (Or Anything)

Wow, I loved doing The Work this past weekend in Horrible Food Wonderful Food with the beautiful inquirers who wanted to look at the way they eat, view their bodies and examine their compulsive movements with food.

Not only did we question powerful thoughts like “there won’t be enough for me” but we also looked at one person in our lives whose behavior, words, or even a “look” disturbed us.

That person was bothersome….and it may appear that they have nothing to do with our relationship with food or eating.

But it may be more closely related than you think.

Try this test.

First, pick a situation where you got scared, upset, nervous, irritated, worried, confused. It’s a scene from your life. There was another person, or a group of people, involved.

It can be hard to choose sometimes, when there might be many moments spent with this other individual. So allow one particularly troubling moment to come to mind.

It doesn’t even have to be that big of a deal….the most important thing is you have some objection to someone. You didn’t like something about the situation you experienced with them.

Then, write down all your beliefs about this situation. Write down why you’re disappointed or nervous, what you would prefer instead, what you wanted, what you needed in order to be happy.

Now you have your troubling concepts written, on paper, in front of you.

Here’s where the interesting part about food and eating…or ANY addiction…comes in as a part of your investigation into your stressful experience of reality.

Let’s say you write this about someone: I am upset with him because he lied to me. I want him to grow up. I want him to vanish. He shouldn’t have ever started talking to me. He should cut the crap. I need him to apologize, relax, stop being so dramatic, enjoy his own life. 

You may then do The Work with any one of these concepts, asking the four questions and finding your turnarounds (opposites) and exploring the truth of your story and if you really believe it.

Now, to investigate further with your addictive substance (in my case it was food)….here’s the interesting test:

Turn all your thoughts around to the opposite, to yourself, and plug in the word “food” and try it on like you’re trying on a different outfit.

I am upset with myself because I lied to myself about food. I want me to grow up when it comes to food. I want my thinking about food to vanish. I shouldn’t have ever started talking to myself about food. I should cut the crap. I need me to apologize to food (to my body), to relax, to stop being so dramatic, to enjoy my own life especially when it comes to eating food. 

Wow. What an awesome prescription for what I needed to do next, to face my addictive behavior.

I can spend more time with this prescription, specialized for me only as it was built out of my own stressful perceptions (of that other person).

Instead of that other person, or thing like food, needing to change, in order for me to be comfortable, could it be ME who could be comfortable first?

Can I stop lying to myself and telling myself all kinds of detailed, intricate, wild, chaotic, sad, violent stories about food, eating and this body?

“You just stop telling your mind that its job is to fix your personal problems. This job has broken the mind and disturbed the entire psyche. It has created fear, anxiety and neurosis. Your mind has very little control over this world. It is neither omniscient nor omnipotent….You have given your mind an impossible task by asking it to manipulate the world in order to fix your personal inner problems.” ~ Michael Singer 

Today, I know that eating something will not solve my personal inner problems. It will only fuel them, quite honestly.

Drinking, smoking, engaging in obsessive thinking about a relationship, shopping, cleaning, setting goals….these also won’t resolve anything in the inner world. Yes, they will distract me, cause temporary memory loss, create drama, make me feel relief.

But all that is really not that fun. I tried them all and they really all stopped working. And I wanted more than relief.

I wanted liberation.

So in that moment when you feel like reaching towards something like a candy bar, a cigarette, a magazine, memories of that giddy moment with a lover….

….could you remember to ask yourself “is it true, that I need or want this?”

Is it true that this present moment isn’t good enough?

Is it true that I’m hungry? Or unhappy? Or lonely?

Is it true that this moment won’t be changing in a few seconds, without my help?

“You can have ten thousand thoughts a minute, and if you don’t believe them, your heart remains at peace.” ~ Byron Katie

Doing The Work on anything addictive, on others, on what I object to in my life in any way….is such a great alternative job for this analytical mind than demanding it resolve the situations or people I encounter in my life.

And funny thing….the more I have done The Work….

….the urges, cravings, commands, demands to DO something (like eat, or think, or plan)….

….all vanish.

For all those who wrote to me about doing Horrible Food Wonderful Food via web cast, YES, I will do an online retreat soon on this topic where you can join from anywhere in the world.

I love your creative ideas, and your sweet and amazing desire to set yourself free.

Much love,

Grace

 

 

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Your Hidden Beliefs That Drive Addiction (Like Overeating!)

Even though we have a small group today, we’re on. We’re goin’ for it. The time has come. Day retreat here in Seattle on food and eating. Come on over!

Time to rip off the overlying cement layer of pain that drives addictive behavior, and check under the hood.

If you’re in Seattle and can make it by 10 am out to Goldilocks Cottage in the northeast end….then we’re taking the trip in to investigate hunger, cravings, the urge to eat when you’re not exactly hungry, and what you don’t like about your body.

Call me at 206-650-1230. You can also register by clicking right here, and I’ll send you directions and all you will need to join us.

You don’t need extensive experience doing The Work, you only need an open mind and a readiness to take a look at what is going on inside it that makes you eat or feel about food in a way you don’t really like.

Even if you’re not near Seattle….you can start right now on looking at any addictive pattern you may enter. Keep reading.

It almost doesn’t matter what you do. The outcome bothers you.

Some people can’t stop cleaning, pulling at their hang nails, watching TV, thinking about their “ex”.

And then you attack yourself for being such a dunce, for eating wheat or sugar again, for stuffing your face. Because there’s obviously something wrong with you.

But what if you set those really intense, heavy, negative, mean thoughts that you yell at yourself completely aside?

This is the cement layer that often, can’t be penetrated.

The self-hate is so vicious, you just want to get some relief, get away, rest, and find some solid ground. Your own mind seems to be an enemy. You give yourself the nastiest motivational speeches you’ve ever heard. If anyone else spoke to you that way, they’d be called totally insane, or seriously abusive.

But instead of trying to get away from that Mean Voice today, how about let’s see if there’s something else present, that you may not be quite seeing directly, that you’re believing to be true.

This might be hard, but it’s worth it.

Answer these questions:

  • What else are you hungry for, besides food (or whatever else you use to get distracted)?
  • What is not exactly satisfying, in your life?
  • Where do you not feel satiated, full, or comforted?
  • What about your life feels empty?
  • Do you feel dependent on anything? What?
  • Where do you feel unsafe, nervous, or terrified…past or present?
  • When do you say “yes” when you’d prefer to say “no”?

Enough questions, for now.

What are your answers?

What I know is that food is required for life, apparently. It’s a source of life. It’s pleasurable. It’s comforting and soothing. At just the right amounts, in balance. Too much food is sickening, frustrating, and uncomfortable.

But if you overeat, something inside of you believes it is worth the discomfort….it’s giving you something you think you need.

Maybe there’s something else, a ghost hunger, that you’d rather NOT see. Maybe it’s frightening, very sad, or feels hopeless to see this thing you want or wish for.

You don’t ever have to look at your thoughts…..but if you don’t….you’ll keep having the yo-yo problem of being in control, then out of control, up then down, barely relaxed for a moment, then panicked. Swinging all over the place, and then making a new food plan.

The inquirers who can come at 10 am today are bravely going to take a look at this “problem”. You can too, sitting quietly by yourself wherever you live, to write what seems to be really true for you.

Once you identify your struggle in a way that is beyond “I can’t control myself” or “I’m hideously fat” or “I’m a rotten person” then you’ll be able to question what you’re believing.

Once you question what you’re believing, you may find your urges and cravings begin to dissolve. You may relax.

“…we are in a psychological prison created by our minds. Until we begin to realize how confined we are, we will not be able to find our way out. Neither will we find our way out by struggling against the confines we have inherited from our parents, society, and culture. It is only by beginning to examine and realize the falseness within our minds that we begin to awaken an intelligence that originates from beyond the realm of thinking.” ~ Adyashanti 

Beyond the realm of thinking!? Wow, really?

It means you don’t have to be a brilliant thinker to become free from compulsive behavior.

“God doesn’t make junk. It’s wonderful to realize that it’s not a possibility. There is no mistake.” ~ Byron Katie

Just for today, quiet yourself, and write down some of your stressful, repetitive thoughts. Once they’re in writing, you’ll be able to take them into inquiry.

You can do this.

Much love, Grace

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Love Junkie Pain

Every few weeks, someone signs up to do sessions with me because they are experiencing suffering when it comes to a romantic interest.

I will never, ever be the same after doing The Work a decade ago on men. 

In a good way. 

You should have heard my original worksheet, not only on men in general (that was interesting to be so general and broad and totally prejudiced) but on men I was dating. 

One of my biggest Ah-Ha moments came when I realized….I was a total “love” addict. I mean serious junkie for that flourish of adrenaline, excitement, contact, attraction. 

Since someone I worked with recently was almost obsessively concerned with the whereabouts, the emails, texts and conversation history with a woman he knew….

….I thought I’d take a look today and these repetitive beliefs about others.

About that One Other. “My” girlfriend. “My” boyfriend. “My” spouse, partner, husband, wife, lover. 

And when they aren’t doing what you want them to do. 

My client had this Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, already filled out, when we began our session (some words and notions changed slightly just to keep everything completely anonymous):

I am outraged because she is ignoring me since we broke up. I want her to call me, text me, be open to getting together, and maintaining our friendship. She should return my calls. She shouldn’t shut me out. I need her to contact me. She is selfish, bitchy, unpredictable and cold. I don’t even want to get ditched by a potential love interest again.

He also had thrown in there a few self-critical judgments, like that he shouldn’t be thinking about her and there must be something wrong with him, for having these thoughts and feelings in the first place.

Ow. 

I then recognized, as the client was speaking, that he could be talking to me. 

A man I dated had once called me many months after our strange and volatile encounters together, kind of off and then on and then off again. He said “Hi! How are you?” and I had said “why are you calling me?” and he said “because we’re friends!” and I said “we are not friends” and hung up.

Remembering that incident, I heard the voice of this dear inquirer client, and took in his worksheet.

And then, I took a look at a quiet little stressful thought floating in my mind. This thought can cause a lot of problems, I have found, if you really believe it. 

I should be nicer.

Nice means carrying on a conversation past the point when you’re done, nice means smiling, nice means saying yes, nice means being friendly, nice means being open, nice means saying hello, please, thank you and have a good day. Nice means caring, being of service, helping, being interested.

Yikes. Ewwww.

Is it true that I should be these things?

Of course not. But it also doesn’t mean I should be against these things!

How do I react when I believe that I should be nice, and I notice that sometimes I feel these things in a genuine honest way, and sometimes I do not? How do I react when I believe I shouldn’t be nice?

Nice-ness comes and goes. 

If I believe I should be nicer or shouldn’t be too nice, then I feel stifled, nervous about falling off the Nice Wagon or climbing on it and not being able to get off! 

With these thoughts, I notice that other peoples’ feelings are super important. Other people might get hurt, other people might cry, other people might get angry….if I am not nice. Other people might get smothering, clingy, and assume I care if I am too nice. 

With these thoughts, fear and anxiety enter the room. I feel like a fake. Holding things in. 

So who would I be without the thought that I should be careful about being nice or not nice EVER?

WOOHOO! Can you feel the freedom?! 

Things become clear. Things become slow. If I don’t know what my answer is when asked a question, then I don’t answer yet. If I know, then I say “yes” or “no”. 

Without that thought, I feel very, very kind towards myself. I feel gentle to the other person as well. There is no need for niceness to happen, or not happen. There is something alive, sweet, powerful and loving, right here inside, no matter what someone else’s reaction.

“What is love? Take a look at a rose. Is it possible for the rose to say ‘I shall offer my fragrance to good people and withhold it from bad people?’ Or can you imagine a lamp that withholds its rays from a wicked person who seeks to walk in its light? It could only do that by ceasing to be a lamp….and a tree gives its shade to everyone–even those who seek to cut it down….[but] think how the rose, the tree and the lamp leave you completely free. The tree will make no effort to drag you into its shade if you are in danger of a sunstroke. The lamp will not force its light on you lest you stumble in the dark. Another word for love is freedom.” ~ Anthony De Mello

The turnarounds for me are that a code of behavior (called Nice or Not Too Nice) is not necessary. Being present feels open, unknown, yet solid. 

I love that man who challenged me, who asked to talk, and my discovery of my “no” in that moment. 

No rules, no expectations, no demands, no resistance, no pushing, no commands. The truth coming up, in that moment, out of a quiet freedom. 

Back to remembering what it’s like to not know anything. To not be addicted to love, attention, being appreciated, being praised, being liked. 

No need to be clever, full of knowledge, pious, or good. 

What a relief. 

“When the great Tao is forgotten, goodness and piety appear. When the body’s intelligence declines, cleverness and knowledge step forth. When there is no peace in the family, filial piety begins. When the country falls into chaos, patriotism is born.” ~ Tao Te Ching #18

Much love, Grace

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Complainers! Showing Us How To Love

Those people are sooooooo slow. The traffic is moving like molasses. I hate waiting. This is taking tooooo long. 

Have you ever been bugged when someone else makes these kinds of statements? 

The other day, I was working with a wonderful inquirer who had some thoughts about the way her husband complained about the traffic.

HE was the one with the stressful thoughts like the ones above. About slowness.

And he should stop saying those thoughts out loud. Boring, unnecessary thoughts.  

With frustration in her voice, she exclaimed “We didn’t even have to be anywhere soon, we were going shopping as a family! He should stop barking about something so stupid as traffic!” 

I had to chuckle to myself. Because I’ve had that thought!

That person should stop complaining, stop being so negative, get their act together, stop fussing about traffic (or whatever), calm down, chill, relax, get quiet, stop caring about “x” so much, quit being so concerned about “y”.

Really, they’d be better off. I’m sure of it.

Pause.

Are you really sure?

Yes! So annoying!

Can you be absolutely positively sure, though? Is it entirely true that they should stop complaining about that? Are you sure their life would be better, or yours?

Well…I think so, to be honest. Without all that fussin’ it seems like they’d be happier.

How do you react when you believe this thought?

Arggh. The split second their complaint is uttered I have my own, er…I guess that would be a complaint…

….oh. heh heh.

Like there’s a rush of energy that is against, resisting, defending, not wanting to HEAR those words, that noise, that tone.

But who would I be without any of these thoughts? The person utters their comment, they look distressed or flustered or upset, and I don’t have the thought that they shouldn’t be?

Hmmm. It sure does stop the mechanism of either fixing, helping, addressing or also being concerned in the same situation.

Yes, I notice a spacious feeling. A tenderness towards that person. And a detachment, a freedom from an old way of being with someone who is apparently unhappy.

I might notice, without the thought that they shouldn’t be complaining, that I listen. I wait. I hear that they wish things would go faster. They may feel afraid, worried, sad.

I may be moved to reach over and squeeze their hand. Or remain quiet. Or move away to something else.

I turn the thoughts all around: they shouldn’t stop complaining, I should stop complaining about them complaining, I should stop being so negative about them, or about myself, I should get my act together in their presence (great practice!), I should stop fussing about their fussing about traffic (or whatever), I should calm down, chill, relax, get quiet, stop caring about “x” so much, quit being so concerned about “y”.

Phew! True!

“For me, no one is too tense. They’re as tense as they need to be. Obviously, perfectly….How does it feel to give someone something without the thought that we have to please them? So we give something and our story keeps us from realizing our goodness. I hand you the cup and I tell the story ‘she’ll like me if I do that’. But if I just hand you the cup, without that story, I feel my service, my goodness and my dedication to you.” ~ Byron Katie

When I question my story that you should stop complaining so that I can feel better, I may hear your words, and serve.

Automatically. Without thought.

“How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are. As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

Thank you, complainers, for showing me the way.

Love, Grace

 

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One Sneaky Belief Successful People Think That Keeps Their Stress High

Breitenbush 4 day retreat is in 3 months—exactly! To find out more and learn how to sign up: CLICK HERE. If you register early, you get a big wonderful variety of housing choices. And an early-bird price!

*****

As I’ve spent more time in the last decade discovering quite astonishing things about this mind that apparently inhabits whoever I am….

….I’ve noticed some really fascinating stressful beliefs about success, clarity and seeking answers about life.

I’ve encountered hundreds of people wanting to end their personal pain, addiction, compulsive urges, unease, or unhappiness.

Often, when people get some traction, stability, when they find solid ground, they aren’t so sad or traumatized anymore. Through personal inquiry, they question deeply and they stop reacting so fast to the world around them as if it’s dangerous or dark….as if it hurt them.

Then after awhile, they might feel more successful. They might start feeling creative, dreaming bigger dreams. Maybe they dare to try something completely different.

Exciting!!

Sometimes people say to me that they feel finding The Work and self-inquiry saved their life.

They realize that their relationship with their spouse, before the work, was going downhill. Fast. Or their connection to one of their children, or a sibling was rough. Sometimes Money was agonizing at one time, and now they’re out of debt completely (like my story) and doing pretty well. Or they were a survivor of a major life trauma, and now they can actually find peace in the midst of all that.

Something shifted…..but then…..some other slightly stressful ideas appear.

Now that I feel so good, renewed, rejuvenated, more clear than ever in my life….I should be doing it differently: faster, better, bigger.

I call it the Success Stress part of the story. You feel stressed because you’re thinking thoughts about the ways you, or your world, could improve.

I should be more successful by now. I should be over it. I want to make a difference. 

These are little persnickety thoughts that create a little frustration. But if you don’t take them to inquiry….they may grow. You may not realize how powerful they can be, and how debilitating.

I should be somewhere other than here, where I am. 

Especially when it comes to my weight, my health, my spiritual awareness, my generosity, my love life, my career….you get the idea.

Let’s take a look, with The Work.

Is it true, that you should be doing better in that department by now? Is it true that you should be somewhere else?

Yes. I know I’m capable of much more. I have a book proposal almost done. I have fantastic workshops that could be taught to many more people. I want to spend more time with my family. I want to go on some adventures.

Can you absolutely, really, really know this is completely true?

Well…it SEEMS like it would be nice. It SEEMS like I’ll feel very psyched, thrilled and proud. But no, I can’t really know.

And there is something about being here, today, that is sooooooo sweet, even as I work on my writing or upcoming retreats, or plans, or buy plane tickets.

How do I react when I think the thought that I should be THERE, not here?

Clamped down, like I’m racing. Competitive with an image of the future. Pushy. Determined. No down time. Little rest.

I say “there’s no time, there’s no time, there’s no time” in about three hundred different ways through my week. Like everything is QUICK, quick, quick!

But who would you be…..you successful, clear person who is so eager to learn and grow….who would you BE without the thought that a little further on is better?

That next week or next month or next year you need to be MORE successful and YOU have to wake up, expand, achieve?!!!

Wow. Kind of crazy, how different that is from the usual way. You mean, it’s not up to me, all by myself?

“Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even though I feel so much more content, so changed, since being able to identify and question what I believe….do I still think that the future might be just a wee more important than today?

And if so, who would I be without that belief?

Who would I be without even knowing what success actually is? Without needing or wanting anything more in this day, today?

I notice that I don’t lie down on the couch, which is one of the greatest fears of so many successful people if they give up their drive, their motivation, their discipline. I don’t quit, I don’t go to bed.

I don’t FEEL like going to bed! I write with joy. I contemplate. I feel so excited, creative, alive. I write and tweak new curriculum. I spend time with my cute husband and children.

I actually feel more energy NOW than I ever used to feel when I had the thoughts that I MUST achieve success.

And I could die today–ha ha! What freedom!

“To cease cherishing illusions is a way of inverting the energy of seeking. The energy of seeking will be there in one form or another until you wake up from the dream state. You can’t just get rid of it……And if you’re like most spiritually oriented people, your spirituality is your most cherished illusion. Imagine that.” ~ Adyashanti

If you notice that you’d like to dissolve stressful beliefs about your own success (or lack of it) then you will LOVE coming to Breitenbush in June. No matter where you are on the trajectory of life, whether you’re wanting to question deep disappointment, or mild angst, come join me and my co-facilitator Susan Beekman.

If you need to rest and sink into deleting your stress, this is an amazing venue, a gorgeous natural environment, and very affordable.

Click here to read more.

I can’t wait to meet you!

Love, Grace

 

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Who Would You Be Without Your (Injured, Painful, Fat, Diseased) Body?

Money! We’ll be looking carefully at what it means…and our apparent “problems” or concerns with money: earning it, getting it, keeping it.

8 week teleclass: Wednesdays, March 19 – May 7. 5:15 pm Pacific Time/8:15 pm Eastern time. Waking hours in Australia, Japan, Indonesia. Write if you’re interested grace@workwithgrace.com.

******

Physical ailments, a state of physicality that feels less than perfect, whether a head cold or a torn hamstring….or cancer….often carry with them a stressful response. 

The disease seems to arrive, the condition. I now have this condition, it’s inside me, THIS body, mine, the one I inhabit.

I’m the one with “x” happening. 

And then, with that ownership, faster than the speed of light, the mind grabs it and says (when it feels stressful) what it means, that I have this condition.

  • I can’t go to that party, I’ll miss out
  • I’m dying
  • I’ll miss everyone
  • I detest this feeling of pain
  • this is all temporary
  • I’ll never run, play, jump, flip, bike, move, dance again

So sad. So infuriating! Who set this entire world up like this, anyway?! Such suffering!

My mind almost always has a comment about whose fault it is (mine). Then there are the other people whose fault it is (parents, history, pesticides). 

Nothing wrong with looking at patterns, gathering information, making huge changes to see how it affects the current status.

But that underlying sense, that dark cave below, that voice that is disappointed….or terrified….can feel dreadful.

Can’t I just think about something else? 

With inquiry, I love turning to face it and take a good look.

Oh, by the way, remember my leg? (All eyes on me!) Well, I almost forgot about it, and returned to my old dance recently, like I used to before I tore my hamstring last fall. The joy I felt on the dance floor was so sweet, I was ecstatic.

And then a few hours later, hmmm. Some dull aching pain radiating from my injury site.

And then the next day, my back and hamstring hurt so much I couldn’t get out of bed. 

Is it true, that I am condemned to reduced movement, decline, pain, aging, discomfort? Am I missing out?

Yes, yes, oh yes. Cry. Fist shaking at the sky. 

Am I sure that it would be better to be my definition of health, right now? What am I looking for anyway, eternal life? Never feeling any pain, ever, ever?

This is an amazing question, to even open to the idea that it might not be as bad as I think. Or I might not want what I *think* I want.

“We try to accept what is, and I’ve come to see that this is just a beginning. To love what is, is how you know that you’re right with yourself. It’s a state of gratitude that you’re living out of that is entirely stimulating, and motivating, and it always replenishes….When we’re of right mind, there is no loss.” ~ Byron Katie 

How do I react when I believe I’m missing something, losing something?

Angry, calculating, sad, upset, snappish at people, unhappy, grabby, panicked, fast.

Gratitude? Uh, that would be NOT. 

(And don’t get upset with yourself for not being grateful, you’re not supposed to jump to grateful, unless you do…it’s not “better”. Is it true that you should be grateful, when you aren’t?)

Who would I be without the thought that my physical state is wrong, a mistake, bad, off, incomplete, imperfect?

Without the thought that having this body means I have to feel pain, I have to miss out, I’m losing something?

“When you finally awake, you don’t try to make good things happen; they just happen. You understand suddenly that everything that happens to you is good. Think of some people you’re living with whom you want to change. You find them moody, inconsiderate, unreliable, treacherous, or whatever. But when you are different, they’ll be different. That’s an infallible and miraculous cure. The day you are different, they will become different. And you will see them differently, too….All of a sudden, no one has the power to hurt you anymore.” Anthony De Mello

If I looked at this physical state, this sickness, ugliness, injury, pain, as one of those people that I’ve been judging…who would I be without these thoughts? 

Even just a tiny smidgeon of an idea? Not inconsiderate? Not treacherous? Not dangerous?

Turning the stressful thoughts around:

  • I can’t go to that party, but I won’t miss out (it’s a party right here, with myself)
  • I’m living right now
  • I’ll won’t miss everyone, I’ll be connected to everything
  • I accept this feeling of pain, not against it, could I love it even?
  • this is all temporary…halleluia (instead of oh sad)
  • I’ll always run, play, jump, flip, bike, move, dance again…I could have what these things bring, like ecstasy, always
“It’s your last chance in this incarnation, as your body begins to fade – or you are becoming aware of this limited lifespan. It’s your last chance to go beyond identification with form. This is true whether it’s to do with your body, or somebody else’s body.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

 

Who would you be, without your body?

Much love, Grace

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Stop It! Just Stop It!

Oh so sweet all the lovely inquirers who came to participate in the teleconference yesterday morning.

For those who missed it but wanted to do your own work and follow along, click here. Please keep this confidential and hold it as the personal and sacred work that it is.

There were so many who listened in (so touching!)….your presence was wonderful, and thank you for coming and questioning your thoughts and being with us as silent participants.

So many people love questioning their beliefs….and it isn’t always easy to understand how to do it.

Recently I worked with someone who was deeply disturbed by the unknown that presented itself when considering question four.

Who would you be without that thought?

Yikes. No idea.

Like on the phone call yesterday….as we looked at the belief“that person should STOP doing what they’re doing.”

Maybe without the thought, if someone were threatening us, we wouldn’t KNOW it….and we’d get badly hurt, we’d be crushed, we’d walk right into dangerous situations, we’d die.

It was late at night several years ago and I was having trouble sleeping.

I had not heard from someone I loved dearly for a long time, despite occasional emails and two long heart-felt phone messages left on her voicemail.

I had asked “Is something wrong? Have I hurt you? I love you, you know….”

Nothing.

I was entirely confused. We were close, we shared intimately. This was one of my best friends. I would scan my mind trying to think about what could have happened.

Time for the work. A perfect thing to do when you can’t sleep.

Is it true that she should stop offering silence, non-communication, emptiness?

Yes. I can feel it. Something changed, something off. I don’t know if it’s me, true….could be something else….but how strange.

I would feel better if there were contact.

Can I absolutely know that to be true? Am I sure? Would I really feel better with contact? Am I sure it’s true that I would be better of if she STOPPED being silent?

No. In fact, I love silence.

I used to be uncomfortable with silence, but now it is so incredible, I almost can’t wait for the next quiet time, the next meditation retreat…I am even thrilled about being in silence without going on retreat.

But with her…would things be better, if only….

No. Can’t know that’s true.

How do I react?

I think, think, wonder, imagine, reach out, ponder.

People have this feeling with someone they are newly interested in sometimes: he should call, she should email, I wish I would run into him right now, she should be here with me….this aloneness should stop.

It doesn’t feel exactly relaxed, you know? It’s slightly edgy, nervous, sad, worried….or aggravating, feeling extremely hurt, knife in the heart.

So who would you be without the thought that he or she should stop that? Stop being silent? Stop interrupting? Stop coming too close? Stop moving too far away? Stop leaving?

“Truth never explains why it’s moving that way at that moment. And if you ask, it won’t give any information. It would be like a leaf asking the wind, “Why are you moving that way right now?” The question doesn’t make any sense to the wind.” ~ Adyashanti 

Without the thought I wait, I move towards, then away, then I rest, I let the wind out of my sail, I stop trying, effort-ing, pushing.

Then one day several weeks later, after that late night doing The Work, I made a discovery and find out something about my good friend, completely by accident, that is absolutely shocking (or seems so) and then I even chuckle because I thought I might know what couldn’t have been known.

And I realize all that is possible is to hold that dear person with the greatest compassion, with all their frightened reactions and mixed up responses and mistaken dramas….

….and I remember this is also me.

I have imagined the worst, made up dramas, reacted with fear, had mixed up responses going on inside MY mind. Imagining “bad” things because of….silence.

The mental process is the same.

“We’re all children when we believe unquestioned nursery-school thoughts. – He’s a bad person, it’s not fair, I need to be punished, I’ll cry to get what I want, I’m a victim, you are my problem.- Have you graduated yet?” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thought around: I should stop what I’m doing.

Especially when it comes to that friend, to my relationship to the unknown, when it comes to silence and uncertainty and lack of approval or contact from someone….I should stop.

Because it hurts to imagine what THEY are thinking.

“That’s the part very few people come to know: it can stop. The noise, the fear, the confusion, the constant changing of these inner energies–it can all stop….You thought you had to protect yourself, so you grabbed the things that were coming at you and used them to hide……But you can let go of what you’re clinging to and not play this game….It will stop. No more struggling–just peace.” ~ Michael Singer

Stop what I’m doing? Stop this war with that person, and what they’re doing? Let go, and stop clinging to my ideas, my demands, my war with what is?

Yes.

Much love, Grace

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Free Telecall Doing The Work March 6th 8:30 am Pacific Time

Everyone interested in a cost-free telecall tomorrow (3/6), come join me live for 90 minutes to do The Work together at 8:30 am Pacific Time.

This will give you a little taste of what it’s like to work on a conference call from the privacy of your own nest, your office with the door closed….

….or maybe like some, you’ll dial-in from your local coffee house and follow along even though you’re on “mute”.

All you need to bring is a pen and paper, and your open mind.

Here’s the dial-in instructions:

Primary dial in number: (425) 440-5100
Secondary dial in number: (206) 494-4023
Guest pin code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” right into your keypad where you normally dial a phone number (no spaces). When you are prompted for the pin code, open your key pad again and enter it.

Extra help for skype users: Click HERE.

Finally, if you’d like to connect via computer and not participate “live” then at the time of the call but only listen in, click here.

I’m so looking forward to doing The Work with you on Thursday, March 6th at 8:30 am. At the end there will be an opportunity to ask questions about Year of Inquiry which starts Friday.

Much love, Grace

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Joining YOI Helps YOU Do The Work

Many people have written with questions about the upcoming Year of Inquiry group that starts this coming Friday.

Here’s a summary:

  • We all meet via phone or skype three times a month for 90 minutes, Fridays 9 am Pacific Time
  • We have a private, closed email forum for sharing, questions, breakthroughs and inquiry in writing
  • Everyone in YOI gets to know one another extremely well in a very unique way—not by the usual life details, but through questioning shared stressful beliefs
  • Each month there is a different unique topic for inquiry. We watch a video at the beginning of the month (Byron Katie) and fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a situation in our own life relating to that topic.
  • I partner everyone in YOI with someone else in the group for the month, to trade facilitations. Through this partnering, you learn how to facilitate and be facilitated, and get to know your brethren in inquiry.
  • You can pay monthly, or all at once, or in 3 payments, it’s up to you.
  • There is no written contract for participating, but it’s best if your intention is to stay engaged for a year…and, this is the last YOI that will be in this particular format and this low fee

I created this format because for me, personally, I simply didn’t seem to sit down, write out my thoughts, or slow down long enough….even when I was in pain….to make doing The Work a regular practice.

And I didn’t want to feel desperate for mind-change anymore. I wanted to work with what This is, the life I was apparently living, with a sense of relaxation.

Careful, gentle self-reflection comes easy and quickly to some people.

And then there are the rest of us.

I knew when I listened to Byron Katie on recording, and when I read her book Loving What Is that there was a powerful message.

But I always thought that message was somewhere other than me, like inside Katie herself, or in some other place of wisdom. I thought that doing this work wouldn’t really result in peace unless I got some special insight.

Answer four questions? Then turn what I’m thinking around?

What good is that going to do?! I need bigger guns! I need an inpatient program! I need a fairy godmother! A change of consciousness! Enlightenment!

Are you sure that’s what you need?

What if it really is true that all you actually need, is what all the great teachers have said, including Byron Katie, for all the ages….

…..your own honest answers. Trusting yourself. Being your own best friend.

What if all you need is to honestly clearly identify what it is you are believing and question this, and use YOUR imagination to see another way?

“Self-realization is the sweetest thing. It shows us how we are fully responsible for ourselves, and that is where we find our freedom. Rather than being other-realized, you can be self-realized. Instead of looking to us for your fulfillment, you can find it in yourself……to put The Work into action, begin with the voice inside you that’s telling you what we should do. Realize that it’s actually telling YOU what to do…..There is no peace in the world until you find peace within yourself in this moment.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve noticed that you like the idea of doing The Work, but you don’t actually do it (I don’t have time, it doesn’t really work, I get bored, I can’t stay with my answers, so what) then consider joining us.

Year Of Inquiry is here!

Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com to talk about it.

Much love,

Grace