Tag: the work of Byron Katie

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Inquiry Brings Me Closer

The other day, a familiar event happened. I was waiting for my son for an hour while he had an appointment.

I was in a comfortable, bright waiting room, with several people reading magazines and books, sitting in soft gray chairs. The lights were glowing bright, while outside the Seattle rain was falling.

Someone asked me, after trading the reason we were waiting for family members…“so what do you do?”

Jeez. What to say.

I ask people questions, I help people with stress reduction, I’m like a counselor only different, I offer a form of personal inquiry, I facilitate misery-reduction using the mind, I offer mindful questioning of painful thinking, I help people change their lives by asking them questions about their own thinking.

Out loud I said…”have you heard of The Work of Byron Katie”?

No, she had not.

No one else in the waiting room looked up from their magazines, or had any looks of recognition.

OK, back to Option #1.

Sometimes a smile breaks over someone’s face as they recognize the work, or they’ve read Loving What Is. Then there is no need to explain.

But really….once I say that I work with people by asking them questions and allowing them to discover what is true for themselves when it comes to their stressful or painful thinking…

…then almost everyone finds it curious, interesting, and they want to know more.

Or they say “I could use some of that!”

The thing is, even for someone who has never, ever heard of The Work, this type of deep personal inquiry has been practiced for centuries, in varying formats.

Almost every single person has wondered why some things are the way they are, why they behave this way, why other people behave or think that way….and what is going ON around here (on planet earth)?

Humanity adores a good question.

It brings out the most wonderful, profound answers. And good questions bring alive a movement of looking, creativity, pondering, wondering, sharing conversation.

But when you aren’t sure of the answer…or your brain takes off into coldesacs and dead ends…

…you can easily give up.

All you know is, you feel pain, you feel worried, afraid, or very sad, and one of the most natural things to do is try to feel better ASAP.

Distract yourself! Do something pleasurable! Change the channel!

The last thing you want to do is get asked a bunch of personal, deep, hard-to-answer questions.

And yet….I had nothing left to do but to answer these questions when I was so fearful about many things in life.

Having The Work gave me a simple plan. It gave my fast mind a job.

Here, oh mind, go at it. Take a look. Find out what’s being assumed here and take it away.

The very first question in the series known as The Work is this:

Is It True?

This question alone can stop that panicking mind that never considered this before.

The Work might be four questions, and then finding turnarounds for your painful, stressful, disturbing thoughts and mindset…but it’s not that easy to “get” in five minutes.

It’s kinda complicated!

“After doing The Work, many people report an immediate sense of release and freedom from thoughts that were making them miserable. But if The Work depended on a momentary experience, it would be far less useful than it is. The Work is an ongoing and deepening process of self-realization, not a quick fix.” ~ Stephen Mitchell (husband to Byron Katie)

After I got introduced to The Work, I knew I loved it.

And I still didn’t do it regularly. Can’t I just rest, just stop, just relax?

Yes. That’s the whole point, in the end.

But try to tell the fearful, sad or angry mind to rest, stop and relax. Have you noticed how it doesn’t really understand how?

Or it CAN’T??!

But for me, and for many others, giving my stressful thoughts some questions to answer wound up doing just that…

…slowing everything down, reducing fear, diminishing pain, making things quieter….

…and sometimes, stopping the mind altogether from it’s penchant for stressful, negative, nervous thinking.

“We are entering the dimension where we have control–the inside.” ~ Byron Katie  

If you have found that you are intrigued by eliminating your troubled thoughts, by changing your own mindset, by altering your automatic responses to what happens in your world….

….then you may have discovered how exciting it is to do The Work.

But it takes practice, attention, time (or so it seems) and a willingness to look inside and see what’s going on inside your own head to understand your stressful emotions.

After some time of catching on to The Work, I realized just like all the other things I’ve ever loved doing in my life with joy, that I needed to schedule it, set aside time.

Otherwise…I kinda got around to it LATER.

Or only in big crisis, when I was crying, hurt, furious or traumatized.

I wanted not only stress relief, I wanted true freedom.

Freedom from believing all my difficult, frightened thoughts.

The only way I could accomplish this was to get with other people, schedule partner time, sign up for a class, connect with a group to do The Work.

And that’s what I still do now….almost ten years later.

I gather with other people, I have a partner facilitate me, I get a conversation going with my own mind so I can get in touch constantly with my inner world and freeing myself the confines of my own mindset.

I don’t want to be just a conditioned reactive person with no ability to stop, rest and relax.

Will you join me?

Our next Year of Inquiry group begins March 7th, Friday mornings 9-10:30 am pacific time.

We meet via telecalls, 3 times a month, and have an email forum and a different topic every single month: our parents, relationships, money, the body, sickness, pain, jobs, our complaints….

….twelve months of focused, vital, commonly stressful topics to look at clearly and with clarity together, and keep you in The Work all year.

There is still room for more.

If you’ve been wondering how to enter your inner world and stay there, with inquiry, maybe this is your time?

You pay monthly if you like, or one or two lump sums for our year together. Two in-person retreats are optional (we have a ball).

Read all about it here and write if you have questions or you’re ready to sign up. It will be a fantastic 2014-2015 year.

Inquiry Brings People Closer 

“When I signed up for the YOI class I had high expectations & goals. They have been exceeded. It is amazing to me to do the work with somebody and not have to listen to a bunch of ego denial bullshit. I get to share & hear what is really going on. So many techniques I have learned in the past ultimately do not break through the ego-barrier, in fact, many bolster it. Inquiry not only brings one closer to self, it brings people closer to each other.“ ~ SW Yoi Participant

Much love, Grace

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Heaven Is Putting Your Separateness On Hold

Almost nine years ago, I signed up for the School for The Work of Byron Katie.

Little did I know what a crazy, joyful, astonishing adventure it would be to begin to question what I was thinking.

You mean, I don’t have to believe that everything that runs through my head is true?

All the scary stuff about other people, having big emotions like terror or rage, living successfully, failing, being safe, telling the truth, getting sick or hurt, engaging in addictive behavior, pursuing the meaning of life, or contemplating death itself?

That’s a lot of thinking, over a lot of years. Always in the background.

What’s All This about? What’s going on around Here on planet Earth?

After I left the School which lasted nine days, I knew what to do when I had a feeling of anxiety, worry, sadness, irritation or emotional reaction that didn’t feel good.

Or even curiosity, resistance, confusion.

I knew I could identify what it was I thought in that moment, and spend some time with it to see if it was really true.

I thought “why would I need a facilitator? It’s four simple questions and then finding turnarounds. I can do this with one hand tied behind my back!”

My life continued along, and the thing is….it got a little fast-paced.

Movement was happening. I was faced with divorce, moments of unrest with my kids, money worries, cancer.

It’s not always natural or easy (so it seems) to stop, do a little writing, and take a moment to understand what it is that’s going on in your mind like its your best friend and you have all the time in the world for examining your thoughts.

Your mind does not always feel exactly like a Best Friend, if you know what I mean.

Plus, the mind is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and definitely able to leap tall buildings or even whole countries in a single bound.

(If you’re not so sure about that, quick right now, think about France…now think about Africa….see what I mean?)

As the weeks went by following my 9 day immersion in The Work with Byron Katie herself, I noticed every so often that I hadn’t actually sat down and done The Work for a few days.

Then a few more days.

Then a couple of weeks.

I’m doing The Work in my head in the car! Isn’t that good enough? 

But I’d get interrupted. I’d forget where I was. I’d get lost.

Then…I decided I needed a companion. I needed a friend, a co-facilitator, I needed to anchor this practice into time so that it actually happened.

Because every single time I did it from start to finish, with someone else, or with a small group, there was always a magnificent discovery.

Like I was able to have a genuine, honest conversation with my own mind, after enlisting support.

Gosh. With other people facilitating me, and time set on the calendar…shared investigation, depth, authentic connection.

Up to me on my own with Me, Myself and I running the show, the short-cut version, kind of like fake sugar. Not quite right.

The way things were going all on my own wasn’t exactly reliable.

I knew I didn’t want to mess around.  This was my life. My world was changing.

In some ways, it was falling apart completely.

Everything I had previously thought of as true was up for grabs.

I got a facilitator. Best move I could have made.  Because when I felt just a wee bit better emotionally, in control, relaxed, like “OK, I got it! I’m good!” I would have the urge to take that idea seriously.

But I didn’t.

Thank you for sharing, oh mind that thinks it can do everything by itself thank you very much. I love that you’re so independent and brilliant (which it is, actually).

However, the results are that on my own it kind of looked like the tasmanian devil approach, with slight moments of exhaustion and re-grouping in between.

I wanted peace.

Of course, the great paradox is that everyone must find their own answers….they are actually already there, in the silence within all of us, ready to blossom.

But if like me you find that you just don’t find the time, commitment, clarity or depth on your own at first…you may love signing up for a class with others, or putting yourself in a retreat or structured program, or scheduling time with a facilitator.

It doesn’t have to be anything that costs money, you can call the Help Line on thework.com or you can get a partner to trade sessions with.

I continue to value the peeps I gather with as my stepping stones to true peace.

Just like when I first went to 12 Step Meetings so long ago at age 19. On my own, things weren’t going so well.

In a group….better.

It doesn’t matter if the people you encounter are your new best friends. The group is for you to show up into. It brings a stable structure that you don’t have to question.

You’re just there, scheduling it is handled.

“Mind’s job is to be right, and it can justify itself faster than the speed of light. Stop the portion of your thinking that is the source of your fear, anger, sadness, or resentment by transferring it to paper. Once the mind is stopped on paper, it’s much easier to investigate. Eventually The Work begins to undo you automatically without writing.” ~ Byron Katie 

If you notice that like me, you kinda want the speed-dating, speed-skating, speed-racer path to enlightenment…. ….then you may enjoy entering the Year of Inquiry (YOI) for the Addictive Mind program.

A WHOLE YEAR?!?!

Yes.

Invented for the more brilliant, quick, distracted minds that may find great serenity in having a set time 3 times per month for 90 minutes with others to investigate your deepest judgments, your stressful thinking, your assumptions, your troubling ideas.

We do it on the phone, so you can be anywhere.

Even your car.

And of course, no one needs to do YOI. You can do a shorter class (the one on Parenting starts soon!) or set up a trade with someone in your life.

If I could do it, you can too!

If this was your last year in this lifetime…would you want to be with others in this deeply intimate way?

Would you want to rest in knowing you had the time and space to dial-in, literally, to inquiry?

I would.

Heaven in YOI“I love that I have to EXPERIENCE the Work, have to DO it, to be IN it.  And when I do The Work – surprise! – I am letting go into the moment. I’ve been at it for a few years now, here and there, sometimes frequently/intensely, sometimes not for weeks or even months.  And here we are in this terrific group.  Heaven.” ~ YOI participant

Come join us in un-believing and un-doing your painful thoughts. Losing your world could be a good thing….and you can get support while doing it.

It’s why meditation retreats, groups, classes, communities exist.

Because other people ARE you, of course.  “

Everyone is a mirror image of yourself-your own thinking coming back to you.” ~ Byron Katie  

Reply to this email if you’re ready to sign up for YOI or another class. Let me know how I can be of service to you.  My sincere commitment is joining with others in our true freedom.

As the wise and loving teacher Adya says about signing up for meditation retreats or classes:
“….They are an opportunity to put your separateness on hold and discover the liberating truth of what you are…” ~ Adyashanti  

Love, Grace

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Parent Driving Panic

Many years ago, on a quiet weekday afternoon, I was exhausted with sleep-deprivation, having a two year old toddler girl and a five year old son who had just started kindergarten.

My daughter went down for a nap. I rushed around picking up things off the floor then making my way to my bedroom to lie down, for just a little while.

This unusual day…I fell asleep in the silent house. The phone never rang, I didn’t get involved in some project, I didn’t start paying bills.

I woke with a start and sat up. The afternoon light didn’t look right.

Because normally, I have to get my daughter in the car and go fetch my son at school when the light is still bright, mid-afternoon light. My son comes out at a set time every day. There’s a spot for parents in cars. Some days, I carpool or other parents drive.

But Thursdays, I always go get my son.

In the very still, dense, quiet afternoon…I grasp that I had fallen asleep.

OMG! What time is it??!!

I was supposed to be there NOW. It would take me 30 minutes to drive there.

Have you ever driven from here to there filled with anxiety because you absolutely have to be there already?

I wish I had The Work or a way to have investigated what was true and what was not true at that time, with my small children.

Back then, I thought it was an EMERGENCY that I was so late.

My son Ben was only 5, he didn’t have a cell phone, I had no way to contact the teacher, I didn’t even know how to contact the school when the bell had already rung.

I put myself in my son’s little shoes and knew he would probably go to the pick up place and stand there.

My hand gripped the wheel and images reeled through my head of him being led away by an unsavory adult…of him crying as all the kids and buses and teachers left him standing alone….of him being abandoned.

I was sick to my stomach, in heavy thick traffic. Every driver went at the pace of a turtle. My heart was popping out of my throat.

Turning the corner into the sight of the pick up area, I saw his little purple coat, and him standing with his hood up, very still, both hands to his sides with his yellow lunch sack in one hand and his back pack that looked enormous on his small back.

I jumped out of the drivers seat of my car and I’m sure my face looked wild with apology.

Ahhh yes, if only I had The Work.

Because when I look back, my son Ben was actually PERFECTLY FINE.

He wasn’t maimed, injured, desperate, frightened.

I asked him “Were you worried? I am so, so, sorry. Mommy is so, so sorry.”

A little worried mommy. 

I look back and see the teaching and the learning, passed along so innocently. 

Now is the moment to think you were abandoned, that mom was unreliable, that you were let down….that mom is very sorry…and now that I’ave arrived you discover all is well, and you are relieved.  

Who would I be without the thought that falling asleep, not waking up, being late, that Ben standing alone for 25 minutes without me picking him up….was terrible, was all my fault….and was all something I should have avoided and that he hated?

Now it’s 15 years later. I still think about that moment with sorrow. Except NOW, today, as the image flashes through my mind….I pause.

I say “Is that all true?” 

No. No idea.

Was that a dangerous situation? Not really. Was it outrageous that I was so unreliable? No.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to GET THERE NOW, and it appears….you can’t.

Even if the situation is much more serious or critical than mine.

You might actually be present during the drive, instead of so freaked out that all you remember is the gripped steering wheel.

Who would you be without the thought that there was a mistake, in the past?

Especially with your young child, who may be much older now (or not)?

“Pain is the signal that you’re confused, that you’re in a lie….You are the solution to the problem–your apparent problem. No mother or son has ever done harm. We’re dealing with confusion here, that’s all. Through this work, we come to realize that.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Tolerant, Disinterested, Amused, Kind (The Result of The Work)

One week until the next Saturday mini retreat here in Seattle. We have room for maybe 2 more people, that’s it though. What a great thing to do during the holiday weekend, right? Join us!

An afternoon spent in The Work can save you 421 hours of irritation with THAT person who bugs you.

(You know who I’m talking about…even if it’s yourself!)

Just kidding….there would be no way to ever measure how much emotional pain or hours-of-irritation would be saved by doing The Work…

….all I know is, I love having this incredible, ever-expanding tool to use when stress, fear, sadness, annoyance, discomfort or desperation arises.

And, the difficulties life presents seem more interesting now. In fact, some things that life presents actually seem hilarious….where they USED to be very, very over-the-top serious.

Like, for example.

Yesterday, I had an interview on my calendar. Exciting! I love talking about The Work! I’ve done several radio shows before.

Before I went to bed, I plugged in my cell phone, and for the first time ever, put it on Airplane Mode and set the alarm. I’m a very early riser, but I really wanted to be up and ready, maybe meditate a little beforehand. Get centered.

But yes, you read that correctly…I put my phone on Airplane Mode, meaning zero disturbance or interruption.

I also failed to notice that the actual plug fell out of the wall as I plugged in the phone to its charger….so it was not getting recharged overnight, and only had 3 percent red zone power left when I woke up.

I mean, how goofy is that. It’s like I’m one of the three stooges or something.

No alarm, and remember, we’re going on an airplane apparently….so I slept a bit later than I usually do….an HOUR later.

I came to the interview literally just rolled out of bed, with my hair wildly un-brushed and sleepy eyes, and in my pajamas…..

…..and then discovered that this was a video interview.

Now, in the past, this might have made me freak out and apologize frantically and feel some sense of panic or embarrassment.

But I had nothing like that.

“Oh! Well! Since this is a VIDEO interview…how do I look? Like I just woke up? I see! OK…I think I’ll just take 10 minutes and go brush my hair!”

The fabulous interviewer, Brooke (I’ll tell you about her when the interview goes live) was totally fine with waiting.

We had a wonderful conversation. When you watch the interview, you can remember that I was asleep 12 minutes before it. Ha!

I find the whole thing quite hysterical.

Here’s the crazy thing. Other much more critical experiences also have a lighter feel, an element of humor….where my first reaction in the past was the opposite: dread, seriousness, urgency, shame.

Inside, before doing the work, my reaction might look like this:

OMG! She just rejected me! OMG! He just insulted me! OMG! I’m running into HIM! Run! Hide! Duck out of the building! OMG! I have cancer! OMG! She betrayed me! OMG! I have to have surgery! OMG! I got fired! OMG! I’m going to die! OMG! My car made a noise! OMG! My kid didn’t text me!

Now, I’m not saying that I don’t have these kinds of responses….you get to hear about them all the time in Grace Notes, right?

But it’s like they are only a PART of me. They don’t take over. They just don’t get that much juice. They don’t have much weight.

I don’t lose much sleep….obviously! (Airplane Mode?)

I recently heard Katie talking about The Work and what happens after you do it for awhile.

“People say ‘smoking quit me’ or ‘alcohol quit me’. They are dealing with the original cause. They questioned their mind, and the world shifts out of that. Our wants, our needs, our desires…they all shift as the mind shifts…..Eventually a thought will start to arise like ‘he doesn’t care about me’ and then it’s already met with ‘is it true?’ and it’s silent. And then you just notice ‘I don’t know’.” ~ Byron Katie

Oh boy, what fun.

If you think you are a hard nut to crack, by the way….I have similar experience. I’ve questioned, and questioned and looked and re-looked and examined, and repeated the same thoughts over and over.

The same fears, the same worries, the same sweating armpits….

….but little tiny shifts happened. Little openings, laughter, joy, excitement.

Give yourself some slow time, identifying clearly, and then questioning, what you really believe that produces stress.

You may find yourself responding to the world in ways you never thought possible.

Laughing!

“If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow. When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16

With Love, Grace

P.S. Last class starting this year: MONEY! Wanting, needing, earning it. Thursdays 8  – 9:30 am 12/5 – 1/23.

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The Stunning Truth About Being Alone

Sometimes, you have sudden, unexpected changes in your life.

One day it’s that way….and then something happens….and it’s another way. Never to return to the old way.

Recently, a lovely inquirer contacted me to do The Work on something that comes up regularly: her partner left. 

Another woman and I did The Work together on her cancer diagnosis. 

I can guarantee that for both these situations…there are thoughts of Before and After. 

Before….things were good. After….things not so good.

I’m in the newly updated football stadium of the local huge university. The Sports Medicine clinic takes up the entire underground level, new state-of-the art rooms and lots of wood and purple.

I check my cell phone. No internet down here. They should put that in. I could be getting something done. Instead of sitting here by myself.

The doctor comes in and pulls out a cool wall-mounted screen. He shows me the black and white image of my entire pelvis, which looks like a butterfly, or a weird beetle. 

He’s pointing to something white and saying “see, no hamstring here…it’s just Not There…I think you’ll pretty much HAVE to get surgery to be able to move about in the future.” 

It doesn’t really sink in until later, when I’m driving away. What exactly did he mean by SURGERY?

I google the internet. Oh. I google the words used in the report of this image. 

I’m not sure when it happens, but it’s like waking up slowly to what needs to happen here. Bunches of thoughts. 

I’ll be in one of those L-Shaped casts for my leg keeping it totally and completely braced and immobile….for several MONTHS. Can’t put weight on it for 3 months, will maybe go on a jog at 6 months. And I’m told I won’t be back to normal for a YEAR.

OK then!

The mind kicks in on all the things I might not get to do: the New Year’s Cleanse, dancing next weekend, sitting at the Thanksgiving table, DRIVING, getting on an airplane in January….going to the bathroom easily. 

A thought rises to the top, with the mind rushing. From smooth, deep pool…to Grand Canyon river rapids! 

HHHEEELLLLLPPPP!

I’ll be lying on the couch going CRAZY because I can’t go exercise! My muscles will atrophy! 

I’ll have to just…..just….SIT THERE.

Kind of odd, really. Because this is often the result after a big major life-changing event.

Your partner leaves, and you are sitting there. In a room by yourself. 

You find out you have cancer, and you are sitting there. You’re the only one who has it, in this particular way, right in this moment. You’re on your own.

You lose your job, and you are sitting at home. In a room by yourself.

You’re in a big accident, and you are lying in a hospital bed. By yourself.

I know there’s lots of people around, too, but I’m talking about awareness of the most difficult moment in the midst of all this. 

What is actually happening, in this terrible moment when I have lost something, lost someone, lost my life as I knew it?

Am I sure it’s terrible, that it WILL be terrible soon, that it will be terrible forever?

Since I cannot know the future, what I CAN look at, and answer…is my answer to this question: is this truly horrendous, disastrous, shattering, devastating, horrifying, tragic?

Right now. Well?

OK, well, now that you put it that way. Right NOW, I’m actually writing this note. I don’t feel much pain. I’m sitting up. 

I’m not sure how I will feel, later, after the operation, when I’m lying down and I’m not even ABLE to sit up.

It may seem a small point. But the anticipation of the terrible moment in the future is actually a little, well, a little crazy to go into. 

It’s like saying…OK, let’s get stressed out NOW because you’re going to get stressed out LATER.

I look around, at NOW. There’s a desk, this beautiful cream-colored couch, dark morning air outside, murmuring early-morning voices walking past, a bookshelf full of the best books on the planet, a happy kitchen.

Don’t I pay sometimes to go sit in total silence with a small group of people interested in being all alone, and quiet?

How do I react when I think that what is happening right now is worrisome, or that I have to prepare for the unpleasant thing about to happen in the future?

I get jittery in my chest. I have images flash before my eyes. I see myself wasting away into skin and bones…and turning into a skeleton…and dying.

Seriously, the mind is very dramatic. 

I felt this way when my former husband left, too. Like I was so vividly aware of a space of emptiness, I could stay lying on the bed forever and not talk with anyone for 3 days, and just read and space out and stare. 

But who would I be without the thought that I KNOW it’s gonna be rough later? 

Without the thought that later, it will not be possible to be happy?

Without the thought that this here, right now, sucks?

Wow…I catch this little glimpse of it being very interesting to be immobilized in a cast-brace-thing and not be able to move, like Houdini, for two weeks.

(Oh, Houdini escaped within 3 minutes? Don’t remind me!)

Ahem. Back to inquiry. Who would you be without the thought that the AFTER of this whole operation thing will be difficult? 

I see advantages. 

No packing up my gym gear for the gym. Not necessary to be in great physical condition to have a happy life. No driving a car, paying for gas, just not necessary to go ANYWHERE. 

In this moment, without the thought that THIS, Reality, is BAD….I actually kind of find this all funny. I’m sitting in a room all by myself. 

Holy Moly!

There are all kinds of things I can do, on that couch in the future, without the thought that being alone, lying there by myself, is a bad thing.

Concentrated time on my business re-tweaking my website. Finishing my little booklet on hitches that come up with The Work as you begin to do it. Completing that third draft of the parenting ebook that people are already downloading (it will be much better and more succinct). Writing that dang book proposal that keeps being on the to-do list endlessly and keeps getting bumped to the bottom. 

“You can just as easily identify with a problematic body and make the body’s imperfection, illness, or disability into your identity….Once the ego has found an identity, it does not want to let go…..[but] no matter what your body’s appearance is on the outer level, beyond the outer form it is an intensely alive energy field.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Even if I died during the operation (remember? Drama Queen mind?) I actually might find THAT quite interesting. 

“Any feeling of discomfort or stress is an alarm that lets you know you’re believing an untrue thought.” ~ Byron Katie

“Just take five seconds to be quiet……It will stun you, it will really shock you if you’ve never seen it before: how much untruth we take to be as true. THIS is being alone….it’s aloneness inside, alone even from our own concepts.” ~ Adyashanti

Do I want to feel that aloneness, without running from it? That freedom that is so incredible? That wild mystery? Alone, all by myself?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Love, Grace

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Don’t Try To Glitter Like A Jewel–Be Common

The other day a long-time reader of Grace Notes sent me an email. She said she did all the right things in life.

In her letter, she described what she meant by “right things”.

Each day, she meditates, writes out her prayers, cooks good healthy food and eats very well, exercises, reads spiritual work, listens to supportive audio like Byron Katie, and she stays sober.

She said “I’m a good girl!”

So how come things don’t always work out that well?

I have that good girl streak. The list is long about what “good” can be.

Yoga, raw food, being kind, donating money to charity, spending time with your kids, being helpful, giving your family money, doing volunteer work, cleaning, offering support to someone in need, being friendly, taking care of the elderly, cooking for your spouse…oh gosh.

It’s starting to sound a lot like Maria Syndrome!

As in Maria in the Sound of Music. Almost a nun, but instead, a fabulous dancer and musician to eight children who lost their mother.

I have come down with the Maria Syndrome ailment from time to time.

Usually when someone or something has threatened my personal Maria image.

For example…

Several years ago, a leader who was working on the same community project with me announced that it was time for “everything to come out in the open” at a big board meeting.

Everything? What’s “everything”? And why is she looking directly at me?

I was called forward, and then another woman was also called forward.

“You two need to get along!” the leader said.

“I need you to sit down, face each other, and Dee….you need to quit talking to others and tell Grace right to her face what you’re concerns are! We’re tired of hearing about it!”

Dee had things to tell me? Complaints that she was voicing to others, behind my back?

Gulp.

My face turned the deepest bright red, my heart started racing, and my armpits broke into a cold clammy sweat.

I was terrified.

It turned out that Dee thought I wasn’t doing my part, that I didn’t communicate effectively, that I ignored her, that I was not collaborating well, that I showed up late and was unreliable, and in fact she’d never had such a bad experience trying to get a community service project underway before.

Holy. Cow.

I felt myself going into shock. Then embarrassment. I was stunned.

I was fairly new to The Work at the time. But I found myself later writing out a most vicious response, on paper, once I gathered my wits about me.

She shouldn’t think that about me! She should think I’m awesome! That I’m good, reliable and kind! She shouldn’t think I’m ignoring her, or not collaborating well! She should know my intentions are pure, positive and good!

What was WRONG with her? Too sensitive! Too insecure, fussy, rigid, paranoid, confused!

She had me sized up WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

It was like Defenders of the Great Image of Grace Bell/Maria. How dare she see me other than “good”!?

Heh heh. Um. Yeah.

I discovered the power of the Maria Syndrome. Demanding that everyone see me as positively.

What a shocker that someone didn’t, with all the time, effort and energy I put into being such a freakin’ good citizen!

So, is it true that I am a good person….like Maria? Or that Dee should have seen me that way?

Yes! I KNOW I am a good, reliable, honest person! She should see this!

Are you sure? 

Deep breath. Answer from the deepest depths of your heart and mind.

No. I am not sure this is true. I have not been very excited AT ALL about this project. In fact, I was thinking it was a waste of time, ineffective, and wasn’t going to help the community.

I also had the feeling fairly often that Dee talked way too much. She chatted on about recipes or her neighbors and I considered it boring.

And I had never said one word.

Wow. She was right. I had not been honest. I had not been reliable, I had kept my thoughts to myself. I was very discouraged about this project, but I still showed up to the meetings. Late.

Who would I be without the thought that Dee should see me in the same light as Maria?

Without the thought that I was no longer a good person, or that because Dee thought I wasn’t a good person in that situation, it meant I wasn’t?

Who would I be right in that moment, when my face turned red, without the belief that I was in danger, that my image crumbling meant that I was hurt?

I might say, after taking it all in….

...”Dee, you are absolutely right. I don’t feel comfortable about this work we’re doing. I’m not happy at all working on this project. I don’t want to ever talk about recipes or the neighbors…I haven’t felt safe enough to be authentic. I apologize for making so many assumptions. I apologize for not ever speaking up.”

Yes, I wasn’t doing my part since I never TOLD THE TRUTH, yes I didn’t communicate effectively, yes I ignored her, yes I was not collaborating at ALL, yes I showed up late and was unreliable, and yes, I was responsible for a bad experience trying to get a community service project underway.

From that day forward, I was real. I showed up. It did not look all pretty and kind and sweet and adorable and dancing butterflies across the meadow.

I never pretend-talked about recipes again. I said I was sorry. I quit the project.

It was light years more efficient.

“In harmony with the Tao, the sky is clear and spacious, the earth is solid and full, all creatures flourish together, content with the way they are, endlessly repeating themselves, endlessly renewed…..The Master views the parts with compassion, because he understands the whole. His constant practice is humility. He doesn’t glitter like a jewel but lets himself be shaped by the Tao, as rugged and common as a stone.” ~ Tao Te Ching #39

Love, Grace

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Creating Money Without Hard Work or Stress

Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass is underway in a few hours, at 9 am pacific time. I think at the time of writing this we’re full, but if you’re really feelin’ it, hit reply…you might be able to fit right in.

Having said this….fitting just a little more in is not the approach I recommend for consuming food, and I’m sure you agree. 

If you’re full, don’t try to fit one more bite in. Unless it’s balanced, fun and joyful and you’re simply sampling the taste. 

Getting too full is so uncomfortable, right? At least for most of us. Sometimes this sensation of fullness sets off a huge torrent of self-hate as big as Niagara Falls.

I shouldn’t have consumed that, I shouldn’t have wanted it, I should have stopped myself.

But what about the opposite….what about not having enough?

Not just Not Enough food, but not enough money, attention, love, support, warmth, comfort, time, energy, health?

Not Enough can be just as stressful as Too Much.  

It’s easy to find this to feel really true, for many of us, with MONEY.

I need more money, I want lots of money, I should be earning money, I should be receiving money, I can always use more money, there is never quite enough money, other people need me to get money….

The funny thing is, I never realized I had these kinds of beliefs at such a core, troubling level until I had just about no incoming money. 

I had been laid off from my job, gotten divorced, had a cancerous tumor on my thigh, and I had not been picked (even when I was a “finalist” a bunch of times) for any of the jobs I interviewed for.

I used to think I was so mellow when it came to money. 

“You can live on peanuts!” I would say. There’s no need to buy much of anything….I’m such a NON-CONSUMER. 

All those people who have to have fancy cars and jet skis and tropical vacations and ginormous houses…they are all bound and burdened by their lifestyle and their desires. 

I am so beyond all that. I hate shopping.

And then….I got squeezed. 

It got personal. 

And guess what? It seemed I had to take a look at all my thinking, all my beliefs about money. Because my entire system of thinking about money was very painful.

I got to work. I began writing down everything I thought about money. I started with the obvious thoughts, that I needed it ASAP, that I had to work to get it, that I would fail without it, that I would LOSE without it. 

And then, as I continued going, looking at money….I discovered that I had a very snooty belief that Not Caring about money was GOOD, and Caring about money was GREEDY.

It was the same as my beliefs about food! 

Not caring, not wanting, not desiring, not chasing after it...was much betterthan wanting, craving, desiring and grabbing.

But I needed money, it appeared, if I wanted to keep my home.

I needed food, it appeared, if I wanted to keep this body alive. 

And I did want to keep living in my little cottage. I did want to be alive in this body. 

(I did The Work and questioned these…and I could see it actually being OK to not want to live in my cottage or to stay alive in my body…a lightness about it instead of so freakin’ intense). 

So is it true that you want to Not Want something? Like food, or money?

YES! OMG! I want to NOT WANT cigarettes, I want to NOT WANT that Bad Boy Boyfriend, I want to NOT WANT a car, I want to NOT WANT more money, I want to NOT WANT candy.

That’s the story of my life, of course it’s true! Absolutely!

How do you react when you believe the thought that you want to NOT WANT something?

I am so furious at myself, I’m slapping my own hands in my mind as I reach for what I want. Slapping down my desires. I hate my “wanting”. 

I am viciously critical of those people who want money, who want cars, vacations, traveling, riches. 

I ACT like I don’t want stuff that I DO want. I shove it under the rug. I think “I will NEVER admit how much I want that thing, item, person, experience.”

If people criticize me for being too aloof, or not caring enough, or not motivated enough….I write them off. Can’t they see what a genius I am, how brilliant I am to Not Want? 

So. Who would I be if I couldn’t actually have the thoughts that Not Wanting is fabulous? Or Wanting is base, childish and out-of-control?

If it really did NOT MATTER, if there really was no right or wrong about noticing that you desire something…if you could experience the passion, the fire, the wild beauty of wanting without hacking it off like a diseased branch on a tree?

I would notice a new world opening up, full of creativity, energy, fun. Like a feeling of “Hey! Let’s go get some money!”

And it would be fine if I got some, and fine if not. This is not desperation, or fearful concern. 

My house might go into foreclosure, I might move into my mother’s basement, I might not be able to pay for my children to have music lessons, or dance classes. I might not be able to go on meditation retreats. 

But it’s not a disaster. Not a tragedy. 

I am open, excited, detached, enthusiastic, full of zeal, eager…wondering what will happen next.

“We become conscious participants in the creation of form. It is not we who create, but universal intelligence that creates through us. We don’t identify with what we create and so don’t lose ourselves in what we do. We are learning that the act of creation may involve energy of the highest intensity, but that is not ‘hard work’ or stressful.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

If you’re ready to look at Money and earning it, wanting it, keeping it…then we’re beginning an 8 week class starting December 5th. 

Questioning your beliefs about money could dissolve all hard work and stress, and leave you light and enthusiastic. I highly recommend it. You don’t have to join a class to begin, start questioning your beliefs today.

If you’re interested in the Money teleclass: Go to the website here to read more about it. 

Love, Grace

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From Terrible To Wonderful

Several years ago I was in the gorgeous, dark, rainy, bustling city of Vancouver, BC.

Vancouver is only 3 hours drive from my city of Seattle. And about the same color of green-blue-gray, huge old evergreen trees, dramatic dark green mountains, and lots of coffee houses.

Only it’s Canada. There’s something cooler about being in Canada.

Everyone secretly agrees. (OK, that may not be true).

So there I was staying with a dear friend, reuniting with her after something like thirty years (she immigrated to Vancouver, which is one of the things that makes that city cool).

During the day, I attended a very small conference, with perhaps 40 people. Our speaker was the fascinating Dr. Hew Len who practices ho’oponopono, a method of cleaning, clearing, un-doing the overwhelming energy of personal stories, stress, pain, unhappiness.

My favorite!

At first, I thought he was bonkers.

Although he was academically trained, and had successfully earned a medical degree, he spoke of going beyond the mind.

Or actually, leaving the mind out altogether.

Leave the mind out? What? But I LOVE my mind! And it likes to THINK! And feel superior!

I got to have lunch with him. There were several of us, and I sat right next to him.

I asked him “How did you find this process you’re teaching? How did you find ho’oponopono?”

He looked at me gently and said with a twinkle in his eye “I stumbled into it. Just like you are, right now.”

Pause.

What? No story?

This was interesting. I noticed my mind really wanting to ask questions. I was also a little nervous. I felt like I was in the presence of someone very special. Very wise.

(See the Grace Note from last Sunday morning for more on that).

He wasn’t imposing himself or his ideas on me.

It was awesome. And different.

We were quiet a moment, perhaps someone else asked him something, or said something that I can’t remember, and then I asked again, going off on another hook, hoping for relief, “what do I do about my rage at my daughter?”

Again, a short answer.

He said “clean”.

Clean up your thoughts, un-ravel your negative thinking. Say “I love you” to her silently. Thank you, please forgive me, I’m sorry.

All in a flash of a moment, I was back to myself.

He had used the word “stumbled”. I liked that. I realized this meant that he was actually talking about the universe or something else, NOT ME, being the one in charge.

Who would I be without the thought that any of my contentious relationships, that any of my little annoying exchanges, or any of my so-called problems or my “dilemmas” need to be handled, yesterday?!

I would pull my head up out of the underwater world of believing EVERYTHING I think and I would feel some space.

I would feel emptiness and silence and big question marks….but it would be fine to not have any answers.

Oh.

Maybe that IS the answer.

Maybe you just stumble into it. The empty unknown magical mystery of it all.

“What seemed terrible changes once you’ve questioned it. There is nothing terrible except your unquestioned thoughts about what you see. So whenever you suffer, inquire, look at the thoughts you’re thinking, and set yourself free. Be a child. Know nothing. Take your ignorance all the way to your freedom.” ~ Byron Katie

Last two spaces left in Pain, Sickness and Death telecourse that starts TODAY at 5:15 pm Pacific time. Click here to read more.

Join me and this wonderful group to take a look at the Biggies that tend to cause us to seek out some answers from other people besides ourselves.

Maybe you’ve got the answer inside of you, already. Ya never know.

Love, Grace

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I Gotta Get Outta Here!

I was lying on a flat white slab in pale blue hospital scrubs. All jewelry, hair clip, rings removed.

The technicians put a strap around my ankles to bind them together, and something heavy and flat across my upper torso.

They asked me if I wanted to listen to music and when I nodded yes, they put a big earphone head set over my head. On top of the earplugs I already had inserted. 

Then with buzzing and whirrs and machine sounds, I was pushed into a white donut hole tube, with the wall only inches above my face. 

Suddenly, I had the feeling of going into a coffin….um, OK. Are you sure this thing is safe?

Jeez, is this really necessary, I mean, it’s not like this procedure taking pictures of my hip will actually STOP the injury pain, right?

Maybe, on second thought, I’m good. 

Nevermind! I don’t need an MRI afterall!

“To he who is in fear, everything russles.” ~ Sophocles

Heh heh.

Almost immediately as I went into the tube…..with my gut starting to clench with slight unexpected panic….something also reminded me of inquiry, like almost simultaneously.

I’m trapped, I need to get outta here, this is dangerous.

Is this true?

This is not the only time I’ve believed this thought. 

Have you ever been in a dark alley on a rainy night, a run-down warehouse on the edge of town, or an abandoned car on a remote highway? 

Like, you know, people in those scary movies? (That I will NEVER watch, by the way).

Or what about at a family holiday gathering? A huge too-loud concert? A really really boring meeting? Or when you just did something kind of embarrassing.

I’m trapped, I need to get outta here, this is dangerous. 

Right?

I love it when inquiry rises up to the moment.

Is it actually true? Seriously? Entirely true?

Am I really not safe, and trapped?

No.

How do I react when I believe it? When the thought shouts in my head?

A wave of adrenaline blasts through my system. I have pictures of not being able to move, of dying a slow death of suffocation, gasping desperately for air. 

I’m a victim. No way out. Really scary music starts playing in the back ground, or really sad music.

So who would I be without the thought that in this situation, I’m trapped, or that I have to get out, or that I’m in danger?

Pretty huge question. But very profound.

Without the thought that I am not safe, my whole entire body relaxes. 

I don’t know what’s in store for me, but just any sense of openness to what might happen next, there is a tinge of sweetness.

I don’t have to love it, I don’t have to be overjoyed about this situation…but I notice I’m not overwhelmed with fear. 

Even when I feel some fear. It’s not all of me.

In the big MRI machine, I hold really still so this doesn’t have to go any longer than necessary, and I fall asleep.

Without the thought that some location is unsafe, terrifying, dangerous….

….I look around and see space, shapes, light, absence of light, I hear sounds, quiet, silence, I feel air against my skin. 

I notice that nothing is happening to my actual body. 

I am free, I don’t need to go anywhere, this is safe. 

In this moment, this is entirely and completely true, just right in this exact short moment with no future. 

Everything very alive, pulsing, moving. Strong energy present.

In other words, I’m not turning passive, I’m not denying that things are alert, strong, and powerful in this organism. 

But I am looking very clearly at what is and what is NOT true.

“Fear and insecurity always wait for any and all who dare to probe the depths of the Unknown. The true seeker of liberation must have an uncompromising desire to discover Eternal Truth, a desire that outweighs any tendency to hesitate and contract in the face of fear. It is only when the fear of the Unknown is openly embraced that it begins to transform into the positive energy and intensity necessary to awaken from conditioned existence.” ~ Adyashanti

As I investigate even the smallest worry honestly….

…I may become accepting of my fear, fascinated with the insecurity that bubbles up. 

This is aliveness, desire, intensity!

I’m ready to bust out of all those conditioned beliefs about being trapped in coffins and what-not. 

It was only my thinking that was trapped, victimized, fearful, and dangerous!

Everything else was fine.

Woohoo!

If you’re wanting connection with others to examine fears that come forward around Pain, Sickness and Death….then what a wonderful time to do it. The PSD Teleclass starts next Tuesday, 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific time. Limited to 8 participants. 

Register Here now, or write if you have questions: grace@workwithgrace.com 

Love, Grace

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No One Can Leave Me, Even In Death – Happy Birthday Dad

I know LOTS of people tried to download the little parenting ebook. Go here to do it instead and click Download. Looking forward to your feedback (just hit reply any time and let me know what you like or don’t like about it): 

Get How To Be A Happy Parent Free Ebook.

****

Speaking of parents.

Today would be my dad’s 83rd birthday. But he died long ago in 1990 barely making age 60.

I think about him every year on this day, and many others. With immense gratitude.

He came to me immediately just now, after I woke up. I was sitting in a chair with a dark misty early morning all around through the windows, damp and green and very quiet, as it is often in the Pacific Northwest. 

I can see him in my mind standing near the front door, with his walking stick, his flat wool cap, his wire-rimmed glasses and gray speckled beard, asking “shall we go on a little walk?”

But the gratitude used to be all mixed up with despair, loss and missing him.

That was before doing The Work. Before time passed.

One of my very first realizations after beginning the questioning of my deep-seated beliefs was finding a sense of peace with death. 

One of my sisters had already attended The School for The Work. She shared with me two important things she learned from her experience there.

  1. Our dad did not actually die (say what?)
  2. A total stranger, another participant at the event, had accidentally caused the death of his own two year old child….and it didn’t kill HIM, emotionally

These two pieces of information jet-propelled me to the next School.

I wanted to understand, and face, death. So terrifying!

What on earth could this idea mean, that our dad did not actually die? I mean, I sat with him as he took his last breath. I felt his hand grow cold.

His body is no longer around. I haven’t seen him in over two decades. 

The most profound awareness came over time, gently investigating a pretty simple belief. 

What I mean by belief is something I repeated over and over to myself in my mind: my dad died.

Is it true? 

Yes. I was there. He’s gone. He never got older than sixty.

Right at this point is when I used to cry, feel such sadness I felt my throat close and my heart break. It felt horrible. 

But I kept going anyway, with this process of inquiry.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that my dad died? 

It may sound odd, but can I absolutely know….beyond a shadow of a doubt….that he is gone, forever, that there is nothing at all left of him, anywhere?

No. I can’t know this at all. I remember him. This memory alone shows there is something here of him. 

I can have a conversation with my dad and get a real solid sense of what he’d tell me, how he’d answer a question I asked. I can see him in my mind vividly.

And as for physically, where bodies go, where cells and life and energy move, I definitely can’t know that this is dead. 

In fact, it’s unlikely, scientifically.

So, no, strangely enough….I can’t absolutely know it’s true that my dad died.

How did I always react when I believed that thought?

Devastated. Wishing he was here. Frightened. Wondering why it’s set up like this on planet earth, with such loss. 

How did I treat myself, internally, when I believed my dad died? 

Like something was missing that I couldn’t quite have, without him. Like I couldn’t make it as well in life. Like I was smaller somehow.

Then the great question: Who was I without the belief that my dad died?

Or, without the belief that I was missing something because he died, that it was devastating or terrible? 

Walking down the street, driving my car, doing laundry, reading a book, going to the gym, playing with my kids, buying groceries….hadn’t I actually done all these things hundreds of times WITHOUT my dad?

I mean, I had moved out of my parents house about 8 years before he “died”. 

I had done a lot on my own. Without sadness. Without thinking “oh this is so so so terrible and devastating that my dad isn’t here right now.” 

That’s what it would be like without the thought. I already knew what that was like. 

I would smile as his memory and image entered my mind. 

Or, I might sob and weep with love, feeling the bittersweet grief pouring out. All mixed with happiness. 

“I love to say, ‘No one can leave me. They don’t have that power.'” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thought around, I find my dad lived, my dad is alive. 

It seems as true or truer, even if his body is no longer here. 

(Everyone’s body is eventually no longer here. What did I expect?)

I see his back go around a corner ahead of me down the block. He just drove by in a car. I saw him gardening at the pea patch from the bus window. My son just sounded exactly the same as my father, although they never met. Little glimpses.  

I don’t know any way to be with this than being with it. 

The final turnaround to my belief: I died (when my dad died).  

Something did die, but maybe that’s not so terrible. A dependence died. A clinging died. An expectation that I must have my dad. 

I’ve now had to stand on my own two feet, without having a father in this world. 

“If you’ve been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you — you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again.” ~ C.S. Lewis

If you’d like to explore pain, sickness and death in a small telegroup, we begin on Tuesday, October 29th, 5:15-6:45 pm pacific time.  Register Here. As always, ask me if you have concerns about the fee grace@workwithgrace.com.  

Love, Grace