Tag: tao te ching

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Flitting About Like A Fool For Sherlock Holmes

It was a sweet weekend evening, time at home with nothing on the agenda. A rare moment after a good day of work, clients, a morning class, and a solid two hours of writing…and a mind ready to read for fun, or watch a great movie.

My 16 year old daughter May is the only other person home.

“Let’s watch Sherlock Holmes!” my daughter exclaims.

Turns out there is a wonderful BBC modern version of the tales.

My daughter knows exactly where and how to watch them on the computer. She’s a huge fan.

We’re sharing a blanket on the living room couch, leaning back, the laptop on a chair, the speakers hooked up for high quality sound.

We’re 30 minutes into the show.

It’s getting exciting. I love this Sherlock portrayal. Brilliant, blunt, hysterical, says exactly what he thinks.

Suddenly, my daughter says “Oh wait! This is NOT the right episode” and reaches for the computer, pushes a button, the whole thing shuts down before my eyes and she’s tap-tapping her fingers on the keyboard.

AAAAHHHHH!! WAIT! STOP! 

The inner sensation is like a rug has been pulled out from under me.

“Hey! What are you doing?!?” I say with a frustrated tone. “You’ve already seen them all…and I liked that! I don’t want to change to another one! Put it back where it was!” 

Inside, I am screaming. Outside I am gritting my teeth.

My daughter looks up, noticing my reaction.

Let’s see what was going on in that moment. Heh Heh.

My story is yanked away! I want to see what happens next! I love being lost in the show! She shouldn’t get me all interested and excited and then stop the movie!   

I felt FURIOUS!

Yes. About a TV show getting interrupted.

The first movie I ever went to, I was five years old. Mary Poppins.

It was the most spectacular, mind-boggling experience I ever had.

Leaving the movie theater, I can remember the dark red carpet, the gorgeous golden lights glowing softly on the theater walls, and holding my mother’s hand.

Out on the street, it was Kansas. Seriously.

As in Not London. Or singing, dancing and magic.

Glaring late afternoon sun. A sidewalk. People departing and scattering in various directions.

My mom says at that moment, I put my head back and screamed, mouth wide open, crying from the bottom of my soul.

What I remember is feeling like all my pleasure and joy were suddenly ripped away, destroyed, the channel changed….just like that. 

Like a switch was flipped. The electricity unplugged.

Not unlike (in a less intense version) this same moment of anticipation watching Sherlock, being lost in the trance of a very exciting story on the screen, and having the trance END.

Time for some honest investigation.

You may have something you’ve thought of as “over” that you wish wasn’t. Not just a show, but a relationship, your youth, someone else’s life, your job, a vacation.

Is it true that the story is over, unplugged, brought to a sudden halt….and that it shouldn’t be? 

Can I be absolutely sure that this switch to a new and different channel is a bad idea? Am I sure it’s actually “sudden”? 

Hmmm. Seems true that it’s over. But I’m not sure 100%.

And I know it isn’t absolutely true that it should keep going and never end.

Can I be sure that it was sudden, ripped out from under me, shocking, frightening, maddening?

Strange to even question this, but it does seem true that it was sudden. Although I realize it’s my version of sudden, and I’m not sure it was sudden until I gave it that evaluation later.

In the moment, it may not have been sudden at all…..it was there, then not there.

Things were like this….then like that.

So who on earth would I be without my story that what I was engrossed in suddenly ended….and shouldn’t have?

Without the thought that my opinion is the most important one? Or that my trance state is extremely important to maintain, uninterrupted?

I would be relaxed. Breathing. Watching my adorable daughter focus on her own ideas.

Roll with the flow and the scenery.

I would notice that this story, the one without a Sherlock movie running anymore, is quiet, tender, sweet.

Silent house, daughter tapping fingers, a moment to pause, no emergencies, curious about what is next, no need to actually ever know what is next.

Something ends. And then there is something right here, in its place.

I would be rooted, solid in the earth, allowing what I see to change, come, go….and trusting reality.

“Why should the lord of the country flit about like a fool? If you let yourself be blown to and fro, you lose touch with your root. If you let restlessness move you, you lose touch with who you are.”  ~ Tao Te Ching #26

I turn the thoughts around:
My story continues! I am already seeing what happens next! I love being found in the present! She should get me all interested and excited and then stop the movie!  
Yes. Because in these turnarounds, I expand and grow up from age five into an adult.
With love,
Grace

 

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True Gain From Non Action and Not Interfering

The idea that I don’t need to know how to solve a problem, especially with my mind, is quite radical.

I always believed that in the end, I would be able to solve any major problem (or die trying)!

I just needed to try hard enough, keep looking, consult the experts, study the problem, and hunt down the answer.

Recently I did The Work with a man who felt suicidal, depressed and angry.

He said “I’ve felt this way for so many years, I don’t know what it’s like NOT to feel like this.”

Almost all the participants in Eating Peace (the teleclass that just started) expressed deep, profound discouragement in how long they have suffered with this whole food and eating dilemma.

Here is the way that voice speaks who believes you have a terrible problem….and therefore, you better solve it:

  • if I just figured out the missing key, I’d get this
  • that other approach may have worked for her, but not for me
  • maybe there’s no solution for me….that’s so depressing
  • I hate hate hate this condition
  • there must be something wrong with me
  • I’ve tried everything, to no avail

Here’s the thing.

Feeling absolutely horrendous about something…like so bad you want to crawl under a rock, or die…is a really, really trapped place.

You can’t see anything positive about your situation. Nada.

When I went to a meditation retreat with Adyashanti for the first time, I approached the microphone with a question.

When I got up there, I couldn’t really remember my question.

I said “I’ve tried everything…..” and then instead of listing out all the things I had tried, in an effort to understand life, I choked up and started crying.

Adyashanti said “congratulations”.

What??!

Part of me wanted to say…“wait, you don’t understand….”

But a little light began to glow, with the awareness of how strongly I had held on to the belief that I will solve this LIFE problem (I will understand it clearly) AND that there WAS a terrible problem.

Who would you be without the thought that you have a terrible problem……a devastating, unsolvable problem that you will never be able to live with happily?

You don’t have to have a solution, there’s nothing else required, there’s nothing missing….only no thought that you actually have a problem.

What if trying to solve it has maybe fueled it, or made it worse, or you’ve been using the mind to solve something that it can’t?

Who would you be without the thought that you need to know what to do, right in this moment, today?

I get this start-from-scratch feeling, but not in the mind. More like this is a fresh moment, now.

I notice anxiety, sadness, memories, pictures from my past, feelings and energy moving.

But that is not all that is here. There is something watching, being here, noticing everything without judgment.

“Your way out is to just notice who’s noticing. It’s really that simple…..Be an explorer, witness it. And then it will go.” ~ Michael Singer 

I turn the thoughts around and try them on, see if they could be as true or truer:

  • if I just felt there was nothing missing inside me, I’d get this: I can do this, I can wait, sit, breathe
  • what is here can work for me, I can notice what I’m drawn to: I can be kind to myself, see what draws my attention, feel my intuition
  • maybe there is solution for me….that’s so exciting: this could be just as true, or truer
  • I love love love this condition: odd, but what does this condition give me (depression, addiction, self-hatred)? Is there any advantage? Independence? Autonomy? Protection?
  • there must be something right with me: list them. For me, I love my mind, my perseverance, my capacity to love
  • I’ve tried everything, to no avail—congratulations

When I stop fighting this situation, this condition, then I can relax.

I don’t have to quick go eat, or quick get that done, or feel so resistant, or eradicate depression.

“In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added. In the practice of the Tao, every day something is dropped. Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.” ~ Tao Te Ching #48

With love, Grace

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Neediness Can Not Be Trusted, Right?

One of the top tricky little sneaky thoughts that I experienced living as a whole strategy for managing neediness has been: “I just won’t NEED that thing I have been needing. I’ll go without it. No problem!”

It’s actually pretty amazing to discover that you do not in fact need something that appeared to be necessary for physical or emotional survival.

But then….if you sink your teeth into that new discovery and try to apply it to every situation where you feel a drop of neediness….you may suddenly realize one day that it’s not working anymore.

Because it’s a strategy. It wasn’t true surrender for me.

I was the Queen of Not Needing.

I don’t need a partner, I don’t need food, I don’t need drugs (even pain medications), I don’t need money, I don’t need a past, I don’t need a future, I don’t need school, I don’t need a degree, I don’t need to talk.

It was a quiet week day during the summer months. I had dropped out of college because I was trying to win the prize for Not Needing food (you may know this story from other Grace Notes).

I was reading everything I could get my hands on about consciousness. It was the beginning of my self-help book exploration (and I’m so glad people have chosen to write about their transformations and help others understand themselves).

Somewhere I read that there really is no past. It’s over.

And my mind jumped from that conceptual and philosophical idea…..to gathering all the photos, yearbooks, baby pictures, scrap books, greeting cards, files and items that were collections of Past Memories in my bedroom…

….and deciding they need to go!

I don’t need any of that! The past is over! I am cleaning the slate! I’m starting from ZERO! Today I’m reborn!

There’s a scene in a movie called Little Man Big Man where the old native grandfather climbs up to a high cliff, believing that he’s going to die. He says the famous line “today is a good day to die”. He lies down on the earth and assumes the position, flat on his back.

And he lies there, and lies there. It starts to rain and the drops are hitting his face.

He sits up. Hilarious. Nope. Not going the way he thought. Still here.

That summer afternoon at age 20, I took all photos that I possessed, all scrap books, my high school year books, the cards from boyfriends or best friends, notes from my parents, flyers from events I attended, saved tickets, mementos…

…and I drove them in boxes to the city dump.

I watched them fly through the air into the huge piles of garbage far below. Never to be seen again.

I gave away almost everything I owned to friends and family, keeping only the clothing and a few items I absolutely loved.

I waited. Oh.

I still have memories. The past still exists….in my mind. Still here.

But it wasn’t terrible. I got what was here, inside, that was not attached to anything that could be possessed.

I don’t regret doing that dramatic thing.

However, I also learned that discovering “I don’t need it!” is not always honest. And you can’t force it, when it is not actually true.

Today, I am totally 100% in favor of food, water, shelter, clothing, medical attention, money, and contact with people. I absolutely love them all!

Back when I was 20? I was imagining that I was against them all, or trying to be.

Who would you be without the thought that it’s bad, difficult, or painful to want something with enormous passion?

Who would I be without the thought that I shouldn’t want that yummy food? I wouldn’t condemn myself for wanting it. I’d start asking people if they had any food! I’d eat with gusto and pleasure.

Who would I be without the thought that it’s painful to want more money? I’d have a blast enjoying the pursuit of money.

Who would I be without the thought that I need to avoid needing?

Free to need, if I do….and not need, if I don’t. Free to be myself HONESTLY. I love trusting my natural responses.

“If you open yourself to the Tao, you are at one with the Tao and you can embody it completely. If you open yourself to insight, you are at one with insight and you can use it completely. If you open yourself to loss, you are at one with loss and you can accept it completely. Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #23

If you notice subtle, but tricky, strategies for dealing with your uncomfortable relationship with money, and with NEEDING it, then join us next week on Thursday mornings! Register HERE.

With Love, Grace

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Tolerant, Disinterested, Amused, Kind (The Result of The Work)

One week until the next Saturday mini retreat here in Seattle. We have room for maybe 2 more people, that’s it though. What a great thing to do during the holiday weekend, right? Join us!

An afternoon spent in The Work can save you 421 hours of irritation with THAT person who bugs you.

(You know who I’m talking about…even if it’s yourself!)

Just kidding….there would be no way to ever measure how much emotional pain or hours-of-irritation would be saved by doing The Work…

….all I know is, I love having this incredible, ever-expanding tool to use when stress, fear, sadness, annoyance, discomfort or desperation arises.

And, the difficulties life presents seem more interesting now. In fact, some things that life presents actually seem hilarious….where they USED to be very, very over-the-top serious.

Like, for example.

Yesterday, I had an interview on my calendar. Exciting! I love talking about The Work! I’ve done several radio shows before.

Before I went to bed, I plugged in my cell phone, and for the first time ever, put it on Airplane Mode and set the alarm. I’m a very early riser, but I really wanted to be up and ready, maybe meditate a little beforehand. Get centered.

But yes, you read that correctly…I put my phone on Airplane Mode, meaning zero disturbance or interruption.

I also failed to notice that the actual plug fell out of the wall as I plugged in the phone to its charger….so it was not getting recharged overnight, and only had 3 percent red zone power left when I woke up.

I mean, how goofy is that. It’s like I’m one of the three stooges or something.

No alarm, and remember, we’re going on an airplane apparently….so I slept a bit later than I usually do….an HOUR later.

I came to the interview literally just rolled out of bed, with my hair wildly un-brushed and sleepy eyes, and in my pajamas…..

…..and then discovered that this was a video interview.

Now, in the past, this might have made me freak out and apologize frantically and feel some sense of panic or embarrassment.

But I had nothing like that.

“Oh! Well! Since this is a VIDEO interview…how do I look? Like I just woke up? I see! OK…I think I’ll just take 10 minutes and go brush my hair!”

The fabulous interviewer, Brooke (I’ll tell you about her when the interview goes live) was totally fine with waiting.

We had a wonderful conversation. When you watch the interview, you can remember that I was asleep 12 minutes before it. Ha!

I find the whole thing quite hysterical.

Here’s the crazy thing. Other much more critical experiences also have a lighter feel, an element of humor….where my first reaction in the past was the opposite: dread, seriousness, urgency, shame.

Inside, before doing the work, my reaction might look like this:

OMG! She just rejected me! OMG! He just insulted me! OMG! I’m running into HIM! Run! Hide! Duck out of the building! OMG! I have cancer! OMG! She betrayed me! OMG! I have to have surgery! OMG! I got fired! OMG! I’m going to die! OMG! My car made a noise! OMG! My kid didn’t text me!

Now, I’m not saying that I don’t have these kinds of responses….you get to hear about them all the time in Grace Notes, right?

But it’s like they are only a PART of me. They don’t take over. They just don’t get that much juice. They don’t have much weight.

I don’t lose much sleep….obviously! (Airplane Mode?)

I recently heard Katie talking about The Work and what happens after you do it for awhile.

“People say ‘smoking quit me’ or ‘alcohol quit me’. They are dealing with the original cause. They questioned their mind, and the world shifts out of that. Our wants, our needs, our desires…they all shift as the mind shifts…..Eventually a thought will start to arise like ‘he doesn’t care about me’ and then it’s already met with ‘is it true?’ and it’s silent. And then you just notice ‘I don’t know’.” ~ Byron Katie

Oh boy, what fun.

If you think you are a hard nut to crack, by the way….I have similar experience. I’ve questioned, and questioned and looked and re-looked and examined, and repeated the same thoughts over and over.

The same fears, the same worries, the same sweating armpits….

….but little tiny shifts happened. Little openings, laughter, joy, excitement.

Give yourself some slow time, identifying clearly, and then questioning, what you really believe that produces stress.

You may find yourself responding to the world in ways you never thought possible.

Laughing!

“If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow. When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16

With Love, Grace

P.S. Last class starting this year: MONEY! Wanting, needing, earning it. Thursdays 8  – 9:30 am 12/5 – 1/23.

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Ready For Anything

Yesterday I was walking, rather slowly, in much narrower strides than I usually take, up a long incline, heading back to my parked car.

I felt the now familiar yanking kind of burning dull ache in my right sits bone. One of the doctor’s that I’ve visited recently voice popped in my head “….since it’s hanging on by maybe less than 20%…possible it could pop off…careful until surgery…”

I suddenly pictured 1/5th the amount of attached tendon pulled really tight, like an over-stretched rubber band about to “pop”.  

Oh. What was that? 

I think it’s popping off right now. Could it be?

I kept walking. I noticed the view below of the blustery lake, the space needle off to my left (Seattle icon), wind blowing my hair into my eyes.

Having an injury, with chronic “pain” (which by the way seems to come and go) really reminds me that I have a body.

This flesh and bone thing that I appear to inhabit. Something is on low-grade alarm, radiating from the leg. 

But right now, I also happen to be facilitating the Pain, Sickness and Death teleclass, and we’re looking, as I’ve looked a bunch of times before, at what is believed about HURT and SUFFERING and PAIN.

It hurts. I am in pain. She hurts. He hurts. This is terrible. Having a body is vulnerable. Having a body is dangerous. I’m in control of this body. I HAVE a body.

Are these things true?

Oh brother, YES. Would you stop asking that for once? This is DEFINITELY true. 

Without a body, I wouldn’t be anything. I wouldn’t be here. And this thing, called a body, hurts sometimes. It can get hurt (I have evidence)!

It appears that other people get hurt! 

But I don’t actually know if this is terrible, and I don’t know if this body needs to stay NOT hurting, and I don’t know if it’s really dangerous and vulnerable to have this body. At all. 

OK OK! I don’t know if it’s even true that this is MY body. I’m not sure who or what invented it, and it appears I had nothing to do with it.

How do I react when I believe the thought that this sensation is called “pain” and that it means something terrible is happening, already happened, or is about to happen in the future?

I have images form in my head, flashing like a speedy movie of moving flash cards, of surgeries and knives and cut off limbs and death and other things that frighten me. 

I feel sick to my stomach, nervous, worried. I treat myself like I’m a victim, something happened TO me. I got unlucky. Other people are walking around freely with connected hamstrings. 

Look, there goes a person now, running by. She isn’t having stabbing pains in her pelvic bone! That’s the way it’s supposed to be! 

I chuckle. 

Who would I be without the thought that this sensation “hurts” or that it’s very bad news, or that I am getting surgery, or that this body is mine, or that something is wrong with this right leg. 

Strangely light. Like giggling. Goosebumps. 

Without the thought that this is a bad situation, I’m here, now. Tuned in. Alive. I feel a pulsing awareness of everything, sensing it all with this thing called a body. 

No regrets, no fear in this moment. 

Now here’s the bizarre thing: without the thought that this is terrible, wrong, that pain is bad, or that this is my body and it is dangerous to have one….

….I’m almost looking forward to having this surgery. 

Oh wow…that’s the ultimate turnaround. I am willing to have this hurt, to go through this, to feel this body…..I look forward to having this hurt, to go through this, to feel this body.

Weird, right? WOW! COOL!

“The Master gives himself up to whatever the moment brings. He knows that he is going to die, and he has nothing left to hold on to: no illusions in his mind, no resistances in his body. He doesn’t think about his actions; they flow from the core of his being. He holds nothing back from life; therefore he is ready for death, as a man is ready for sleep after a good day’s work.” ~ Tao Te Ching #50 

With Love, Grace

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It’s Broken! How Exciting!

Argggg! The computer thingy won’t go right! The font won’t change! I can’t get a space between paragraphs! The website link isn’t working!

The Work on technical difficulties! Oh boy!

Small movements of attention to the little administrative happenings of life can seem silly to do The Work on….

….they are not matters of life and death, not the greatest stressors.

And yet, in that very moment when the “thing” isn’t working, or it broke, it’s not doing as you wish it to do….it can be very frustrating.

A wonderful microcosm of the way the mind has an opinion, so fast, that the l thing should NOT be the way it is, it should be different.

Sometimes these “smaller” situations for inquiry are actually fantastic for self-discovery, perhaps because there isn’t so much fear present.

Traffic, tardiness, the store closing unexpectedly, the paper getting torn, the files being misplaced, the form too complicated, a late fee getting added to the account, the wait in line being too long, the drawer not opening properly, the dish breaking, the battery too low, the library sending overdue notices, the drain being clogged.

There it is, so quick. I see the situation. I react.

The first question “Is It True?” dials it all back, to PRE-reaction.

It stops everything in motion.

Is it true that the thingy should be easier, different….that this piece of pottery should be united with that piece of pottery to make a whole dish?

No.

The dish is broken. In half. At this moment in reality, it should be broken.

Because that’s what it is.

How do you react when you believe the computer thingy should be different, should work, needs to go another way?

A wave of energy rises through my body, my hands make a clenched fist, I make a sound that is like a growl.

I remember my old lap top getting a virus.

I was driving it to a special place and paying several hundreds of dollars that was very difficult for me to pay at the time (I could question that now).

I remember the feeling of the hassle, the expense, the parking lot, the men who all worked in the sick-computer place. Driving there three times.

How do I react when I believe that it shouldn’t be this way?

I distrust the computer guys. I think about what evil person out there is sending viruses.

I think I need the communication the computer provides.

Inside, I’m reacting like its an emergency.

Who would you be without the thought that this thingy should be NOT broken?

Without the thought that it shouldn’t have gone like that? That it’s terrible if you’re late? That the virus shouldn’t exist? That the drain shouldn’t be clogged? That the toilet shouldn’t be dirty?

This is an amazing question.

What if everything around you, as it flows and moves and comes apart, breaks, takes longer, comes together, and dissolves….what if everything is as it should be?

It feels so light and incredible inside this body, without that thought.

Open, expansive, slowed down, waiting….but with curiosity, excitement, or gentleness.

I turn the thoughts around to the opposite, to see what could be an advantage to this going the way it is going.

“Any time the ego hits “victim” (which is all the time), victim role, victim identity, it’s secure. Can you imagine a planet where when it rains, we complain? I’m a victim of the rain.”~ Byron Katie

Today, in this moment, it’s good that the old laptop got a virus, the cup smashed, the door jammed.

Because I got a brand new more awesome computer.

Because I learn that it is truly OK, even better, that the thing is broken…then it becomes OK that my toe broke, my car stalled, I missed the flight…

….then it is OK that my house burned, my dog died, my dad got cancer.

I actually find advantages.

If I can’t…I find them in these “smaller” situations and notice, miraculously, that I am not a victim after all.

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve. Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place. When you handle the master carpenter’s tools, chances are that you’ll cut you hand.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74

Much love, Grace
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Not Knowing Is Wonderful Now

This past weekend a whole lotta questioning happened!

I had the privilege to be among companions in The Work and hear their concerns, some of their deepest moments of suffering.

I can always relate to what inquirers are concerned with. My own work floats in the background to every single thought and inquiry brought forth.

One woman spoke for me, for everyone, who’s ever sat down and questioned their repetitive beliefs:

“I’ve done The Work on this ten thousand times and I keep finding the turnarounds, I find the examples, I can see the opposite of my stressful thought to be as true or truer….but the stress still plagues me.”

There are those feisty subjects, situations, people, whole belief-systems that seem really deep, endless, haunting, unresolved.

If we’ve got an unhappy experience from the past…and continue to be annoyed or afraid…then what to do?

How many times can you write a worksheet on the SAME EXACT THING and arrive at the SAME EXACT PLACE??!

Some awareness perhaps, but not really complete and everlasting peace. Not done, resolved, complete. Not over it. It’s not put to rest.

Fantastic question.

There was once a car mechanic I heard about who had an enormous number of clientele.

He didn’t advertise, market, put out flyers, or even have an official business.

People would learn about him word of mouth, show up, call the unpublished number. He had something special going on around cars.

He could diagnose and figure out the thing that was needed for any particular car to run again.

A good friend who had the honor of using this mechanic told me that this Car Whisperer told him when he bumped up against a problem, and he tinkered, researched, made attempts and tried different solutions….but something wasn’t working (yet)….

….that he would leave that car alone for awhile.

He would drop his motivation to fix it.

Yes, even if someone was calling and saying“where’s my car, you got it fixed yet?”

He would go work on another entirely different car, a different problem.

He would sleep on it, walk away. Then come back to it when it felt “right”.

And almost every time….LIGHT BULB.

In a few minutes, the necessary answer, the missing link, the correct mechanical part, the next step would make itself known.

Byron Katie speaks about dropping all motivation for anything, when you’re doing The Work, except the Truth.

In the dictionary, it reads that to have a “motive” is to have a reason to do something. Often related to a crime. You think if you do something, you’ll get something better, you’ll succeed in the future.

“Motive” comes from the word “move”.

I want to Move-It Move-It!

In other words, I don’t like it the way it is, or the way I feel about it right now…I want to feel differently, I want to feel peaceful or blissful or psyched instead.

Now, this isn’t always of course what is going on if we have the same repetitive identical beliefs over and over about one person, or a persistent stressful feeling about a situation…but it’s great to look at.

What is my motive? Why do I want to question this? Do I want to know the Truth, or be Blissed Out?

Maybe they aren’t always the same.

I had one person once who was really buggin’ me. I would write a worksheet on this person over and over. The same exact sentences would come out, maybe with a little variation.

He should be different.

I asked Katie about it. “I keep doing The Work on this person, with no resolve….what should I do?”

She replied after a brief discussion, “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”

OMG! I realized that I had been believing that I SHOULD NOT FEEL THIS WAY!

I believed that I should feel happy, loving, kind, joyful and warm-hearted towards that person 24/7.

Like, yesterday.

That’s what spiritual, good people are like, right?

As I saw this aspect of my own personal motivation to jump to feeling happy and forgiving ASAP, I put that worksheet down.

I didn’t pound the pavement, as they say, until I Got Peace.

I honored my own feeling of whatever this thing I was feeling actually was, that we call Anger.

I actually did a whole worksheet on ANGER and the feeling of anger and all the dangerous, terrible things I believed could happen to me or to others when the feeling of ANGER rises.

I stopped feeling so anxious about anger. I stopped feeling so sure that there was no place for anger inside me, or inside this world.

I stopped having a “plan” about this situation.

I let go of the motivation to get this squared away so I could go on with my life.

What did I notice?

The emotional pain started to fade. DOH!

“If I can’t breathe, I don’t know if I’m going to live or die. I don’t know if I’m going to be breathed again, or not. It’s absolutely not up to me. But in the “don’t know” if I’m going to live or die, or breathe or not, I don’t miss the joy of the life I DO have.” ~ Byron Katie

If I give up wanting The Work, or anything else, to bring me joy…I notice I do The Work anyway (so far).

I notice that even my own awareness or learning or peace or personal process is not up to “me”.

If I don’t have to know, or achieve anything, what a relief.

“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old.” ~ Tao Te Ching #55

If you think that you won’t do The Work or you’ll never become free or peaceful, unless you have a motive…..test it out.

You may find that you are as bizarre as me, and you keep inquiring anyway.

Kinda like that saying “Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood carry water.”

Before….I don’t know….and it’s a bad thing to not know.  After….I don’t know….and it’s a good thing to not know.

Much Love, Grace

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Learning The Three Greatest Treasures By Doing The Work

Oh so excited to begin the One Year Program in only ten days. If you’re on the fence, there are only a few spots left. We start Tuesday June 11th at 8:00 – 9:30 am Pacific time with the first teleconference call.

By the way, since many have asked, yes you can participate in the One Year program by teleclass sessions only, if you live too far away to attend the in-person retreats. You can elect to include the solo sessions with me (4 of them) or leave them out.

I am not offended, whatever your choice! Really!

I get that the teleclass-only option is less expensive and may be all you need or want. We meet generally the second, third and fourth Tuesdays of every month. The exact dates are on on my website if you click HERE then scroll to the bottom, along with details about payments and registration.

Here’s a very short, quick look-see at the programs starting soon:

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind (compulsive, repetitive thinking about some situations, people, life). We go into one topic deeply every month. Amazing group of people. Commitment to join? Monthly payments, partial payments, or least expensive if you make one payment at the start. Read all details by clicking HERE.
  • Teleclass Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395. Register by clicking HERE.
  • Teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register by clicking HERE.
  • June 15, 1:30 – 5:30 pm Mini-Retreat In Person, Seattle $70 first time, $55 any subsequent time. 4 CEUs for mental health professionals.

Remember, always, to ask me by writing me if inability to pay is the only thing holding you back.

And with all these programs coming up, I made a decision to sign up for a one-year program myself, with a very small group and a teacher/guide/facilitator I love (Stephan Bodian, author of Wake Up Now).

Signing up for such a thing sometimes brings some major considerations…perhaps even doubts, or fears!

Committing to something long-term…now that’s dangerous. Like marriage, for example. Or going to college and plunking down all that money for a 4 (or more) year program.

  • I might change my mind part way through
  • I might hate it, once I’m “in”
  • The other people (or one other person) might drive me bonkers
  • It will use up too much time
  • It will cost too much money, emotional attention, energy
  • It won’t make me happier in the long run
  • I won’t find what I’m looking for!

It really is taking a chance to enroll in something and say “yes”. You can’t know exactly what it will be like, ever. There are no guarantees, the outcome is not certain.

But the process….for myself, I know the process, whatever it actually looks like…is something I want.

It’s like meditation…we would all think it would be CRAZY to think of promising that if you meditate regularly for one year, you will be enlightened.

Yet something about going into the silence of meditation…it is offered as a practice in nearly every religious community.

When I think about going through a process, enjoying the journey, then, when I look back at my experience when it’s all over, and I naturally ask myself “was that worth it?” then I usually say“absolutely”. 

I love how The Work and self-inquiry IS a process. It’s a sort of action/meditation. Every time I set aside time to “do” The Work, I become more naturally a person who is “done” by The Work.

In other words, as I’ve heard Byron Katie express it, I enter more and more automatically the Don’t Know Mind.

I begin to notice that I’m living in a place of openness and not knowing, of surrender and relaxation and rest. I wake up and am full of wonder about the day, and sort of delighted and waiting to see what happens.

I’m not so braced up against difficult events, when they do occur. Or, the bracing period is one heck of a lot shorter than it used to be.

The more I question my perceptions of reality, and really get that I have no idea what’s going on, but a curiosity about All This, then I find life more and more….well, fun.

Now I’m not saying that it’s ALWAYS fun. Because it’s not.

But I love having The Work as a process to engage in when I think things are not going well, or they are downright frightening.

Finally, something to do with this worried, speedy-quick, relentless mind!

Not long after I was at my first school, a wonderful inquirer and friend from that school and I agreed that we would meet on the phone every single Monday to exchange inquiry.

One of us would facilitate, one would answer the questions. I needed that pinned down on the schedule or I would NEVER get around to inquiry, not fully.

So I said YES to it. And we kept going. The “rules” were that either one of us could end this agreement at any time.

The difference it made in my life was phenomenal. It wasn’t magic, explosive, mind-blowing all in one instant. It was slow and steady over time, like the turtle in the race.

Part of my mind would say “who needs to do this work, not me…who needs to devote this much time to facilitation, not me…who needs to set up this framework of a structure, not me…I want freedom!”

But freedom was coming MORE from doing The Work than NOT doing it.

I guess that’s why humans have set up spiritual practices for thousands of years. The structure paradoxically seems to offer some sense of freedom.

So I have found the turnarounds to be true, for all my stressful thoughts about commitment and joining into programs, or getting married, or saying “yes” and setting up structure and the like.

These turnarounds look like this:

  • I might change my mind part way through—yes, likely some part of my mind will DEFINITELY decide to change. This is actually good news, and why I’m signing up–ha!
  • I might hate it, once I’m “in”—Well, I sure hope so, because then I can be right up against my fears, objections, and awareness of how I want to run or fight rather than question my thinking (Byron Katie herself sets up some exercises to offer the opportunity to face your fears in her school). ALSO I might LOVE it once I’m in!
  • The other people (or one other person) might drive me bonkers—halleluia! I’ll have the perfect real and up close experience for truly doing The Work! And wow, the other person might drive me sane! The people I connect with in any program, or my life partner, may give me the gift of peace.
  • It will use up too much time—and what else was I going to do with that time? Get obsessive? Worry? Live in my story? Watch TV? Work? Is there a better way to spend my time?
  • It will cost too much money, emotional attention, energy—the money it costs will be a stake in the ground for my commitment to awakening and learning (and I can do The Work on Money if I’m freaked out), my emotional attention is already going to other people and disturbing situations so why not give it FULL attention, and yes, investigating your reality takes energy. That’s why it’s called The Work.
  • It won’t make me happier in the long run—oooh, what a great chance to see what I think happiness is, and see if I can find happiness in the present (you can). No program is necessary. We all have everything we need to access peace, right now.
  • I won’t find what I’m looking for!—My favorite. I get to see, by having this stressful belief, that I believe something needs to be found. That I’m looking. I may have the chance here to enjoy the search instead of feeling so frustrated by it. And maybe even give up the search! WOW!

“Some say that my teaching is nonsense. Others call it lofty but impractical. But to those who have looked inside themselves, this nonsense makes perfect sense. And to those who put it into practice, this loftiness has roots that go deep. I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. Simple in actions and in thoughts, you return to the source of being. Patient with both friends and enemies, you accord with the way things are. Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.”~Tao Te Ching #67

Doing The Work is the practice of receiving the teachings of simplicity, patience and compassion.

You teach them to yourself, these great treasures.

For me, this path of questioning my mind is stunning. This is what I came here for: returning to the source of my being, living in accord with the way things are, and feeling reconciled towards all beings in my life.

For me, this is worth making a commitment to. An understatement.

Love, Grace

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In The Desert, You Can’t Remember Your Name

The desert is a wide open exposed place. I was in the desert very recently to spend some time in inquiry.

One day I was outside stretching my legs in the very bright, cold afternoon. The sun was so bright, I squinted my eyes. My skin felt the dry, crisp air. I had to run to stay warm even though there was not a single cloud in the sky.

All the yards were full of gravel. Maybe a cactus bush or two.

I marveled that as I was there in the desert town, moving down the sidewalk, that the landscape matched my inner mind.

Vulnerable, brighter than I can almost stand without dark glasses, and sort of harsh but full of delicate, colorful structures. And the most infinite, vast sky, full of mystery.

Right there on the sidewalk I felt scared for a moment about how vast the sky was.

How strange that thought is, right in the middle of your day, “I am vulnerable” or “this world could be a dangerous place” or “this place is so mysterious, I don’t get it.”

It seems like stressful thoughts sometimes appear out of nowhere, for no particular reason.

It’s a clutching inward, like a stomach ache, or muscles tightening, except it’s the mind tightening.

Wouldn’t want to get too vast or anything crazy like that!

Fortunately, in those moments where a fearful thought arises, not long afterwards, almost on the heels of the thought, there is an awareness that the thought isn’t actually true.

It was just a thought.

And by looking at it, off it goes into the wild blue yonder.

Later, when I was safely inside again and not contemplating the big humongous sky…I laughed because that worried mind is such a nervous ninny.

But there is something to lose here, in this big mysterious world. It’s the sense that “I” am important, that I mean something, that I’m extra special.

Honestly, I am of course unique in all those ways we know, but not really. In the great big scheme of things, whatever this person is that I seem to be, is just another human being living life.

My name will not be remembered in only one or two generations. Even if my name is written down somewhere, or I do something that is written down, no one will actually know me. No one.

People still study “famous” figures in attempts to understand their motivations. Only the story remains, not the person. Most of that person’s daily living is unknown, forgotten.

The interesting thing about all of this, is that in the past, before The Work, my attitude towards the impermanence and inconsequence of ME and my little life was sadness, pessimism, a sense of being so small. It all seemed so pointless. The feeling was that in my little lifetime, who cares.

My name not remembered…sooooooo saaaadddddd. I should do something important!

But now, with self-inquiry…I need to do something, or be important. Is that actually true?

My name needs to be remembered, I need to make a difference, I’m NOT making a difference…really really?

“The basic creative energy of life—life force—bubbles up and courses through all existence. It can be exeprienced as open, free, unburdened, full of possibility, energizing. Or this very same energy can be experienced as petty, narrow, stuck, caught.”~Pema Chodron 

I notice that when my world opens up and a vast desert landscape lies before me, inside and outside, without the thought that “I” am something or that I need to be, all is well.

Everything is free, untethered, unnamable…and that’s wonderful. Maybe things don’t need to be named. Including me.

“The tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. The name that can be named is not the eternal Name. The unnamable is the eternally real.”~Tao Te Ching #1

Love, Grace

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I Hate Those Complainers

Only nine days until the Pain, Sickness and Death 6-week teleclass starts on 3/7. If you would love signing up for this class if it started at 5:15 pm Pacific time on Thursdays, instead of 6:15 pm PT, running for 90 minutes, then write me at grace@workwithgrace.com. I ask because I’ve had several inquiries for an earlier time. There’s only room for 3 more participants.

If you’d like to read more about the Pain class, click here.

Physical maladies, trauma, injury or threats produce a great deal of painful thinking in the human experience.

I was working with a sweet client who has had a chronic pain from a back injury for several years.

She said to me “I have so many complaints.” Her discouragement was deep. The list seemed long and overwhelming.

The very definition of “complaint” in Webster’s dictionary is “an expression of grief, pain, or dissatisfaction”. Complaining can happen silently, to oneself, or out in the open to people around us.

Byron Katie offers a great exercise to root out complaining, see its cause, investigate it. She says you can write out a list, just let yourself go nuts, with the prompt “I complain about____ because____.”

Don’t worry about how long the list is or how ridiculous your complaints actually are. There is nothing wrong with this Complaining Voice. You are giving it a voice so that you can look more closely.

  • I complain about clutter in my house because it looks ugly, I want it to go away
  • I complain about my left leg hurting because I want to stop sitting in that chair and stop working at the computer and I want it to stop hurting
  • I complain about my dry skin because I always need lotion to soothe it and I want someone to get me some lotion
  • I complain about the dishes being undone because I want someone else to do them
  • I complain about those other annoying complainers because they bring me down

In fact, my biggest, most repetitive complaint has been about other people who complain.

Caught in the act!

It is absolutely fascinating to see why I think there is a need to complain, to express grief, pain or dissatisfaction with this situation or person, with what I am hearing.

I want those complainers to shut up! Stop their talking on and on about negativity!

And why do I want it to end? Seriously? What is the actual problem? Why do I think their complaints “bring me down”?

Well…that complaining person wants me, or someone, obviously, to do something about their complaint! They want me to fix their disturbance. They are unhappy. I SHOULD HELP THEM.

Is that true? Are they really unhappy and wanting me to help? Am I as sure, as they are, that they can’t do it themselves?

“You think if you complain enough, something magical is going to happen….Any time you complain, notice what you want us to do. “~Byron Katie 

It’s as if I believe that if I say what I don’t like (complain) enough then I will eventually get what I want. Someone will do the dishes, someone will straighten up the house, someone will stop telling me their irritating complaints!

The wonderful Marshall Rosenburg, founder of non-violent communication, suggests that people learn to make direct requests, instead of complain. He says that it works so much better when we recognize that we need something, and then ask for what we need!

Do I really need those complainers to quit complaining? Can I make a specific direct request to someone, can I tell them the truth, can I have a genuine conversation?

I could say something like this; “when you are complaining, I feel sad because I think you want me to fix it, or God to fix it. You sound powerless, instead of the strong person I know you to be. You sound like you won’t ever be happy, and you feel helpless, and I know that’s a hard place to be. I love you.”

And then….they can get excited about what you’ve said, or not.

“When another person suffers, there’s nothing I can do about that, except maybe to put my arms around them or bring them a cup of tea and let them know that I’m totally available. But that’s where it must end. The rest is up to them. And because I made it through, I know that they can do it. I am NOT special.”~Byron Katie

I discovered that the real reason I’ve complained about other people complaining is that I want them to be happy and powerful. Because if they are happy and powerful, then I don’t have to try to help them. I can be free to be happy and powerful myself.

I can only be happy if they are happy, and so I have to try to help them get happy….is it true?

Wow! I can be happy even if other people are complaining? I don’t HAVE to help them? Even someone very close to me?

“She who is centered in the Tao can go where she wishes, without danger. She perceives the universal harmony, even amid great pain, because she has found peace in her heart.”~Tao Te Ching #35

If you’d like to zoom in on your deepest complaints, how to be around pain whether yours or others, and your feelings about the biggie….death….come join the six-week teleclass starting next week.

Love, Grace