Tag: spirituality

Posted on

Screaming Teenage Me

Uh oh. I had steam coming out of my ears last night when talking with perhaps my favorite personal spiritual teacher, my 14 year old daughter.

I think that would not actually be called talking. Yelling is more the description.

It can be discouraging when you notice something REALLY triggers you. One moment, we were talking about her third lost bus pass….then next I am crazed because I am upset with her attitude.

Who cares about the lost bus pass! If I say we’re going to look for it, then start looking! And don’t tell ME you already LOOKED!

Today I had a lovely conversation with a woman who is currently enrolled in Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. She has been feeling discouraged about how much her mind repeats itself and whether she can really resolve her problems by doing The Work.

It feels to some of us like that busy, busy mind just thinks of something new and clever, and meaner, to say about our “progress” as humans every day:

  • You should know better than to raise your voice or get angry by NOW
  • You are a lost cause
  • You are acting like a teenager yourself
  • After all this work, self-reflection, listening to teachers, you would think….
  • I’m going to be dead before I question all my beliefs and have peace
  • This is one long journey into CONTINUOUS HELL

Woah! That last one was so harsh, it almost made me start laughing!

If I hold myself with compassion, which is ultimately what this Work is all about, then I can gently see what I’m so afraid of or resistant to in that moment, and stop attacking myself for attacking my daughter.

I take out a pen to write down what I was thinking in that moment when the anger rose up like a geyser, like a screaming crowd gone wild.

Martin Luther King said “a riot is the language of the unheard“.

So what is it that I was not hearing when standing with my daughter talking about her lost bus pass? What are my beliefs in that moment, that I’m sure are entirely true?

  • I pay for the bus, and the money is going down the drain
  • Replacing the pass is a hassle
  • We HAVE to find it
  • She should be just as concerned as I am about finding it (she is not concerned)

The demand, control, and desire to be the ultimate dictator and have things go my way in this small moment of communication is amazing! I see how frightened I am of losing money, the unexpected, losing “things” like passes, and frightened that I’m the only one who really cares (she does not, and she should).

Suddenly as I think of the benefits as I turn around the way I see this situation:

  1. I will get to spend time with my daughter if we go get a replacement pass
  2. I see how we’re fine without the bus pass in that moment…I mean really, there is no reason in that moment to have it except to stop the thoughts that it needs to be found
  3. We get to think of creative ways to hold on to stuff, and let it go
  4. I see what it’s like for the person who lost the pass, supposedly (my daughter) to not be that freaked out about it
  5. I ask for her forgiveness, and for my own
  6. I accept that I am a regular human being…..angry, then not angry, full of love for my daughter
  7. Nothing terrible really happened, there were loud voices and two people with red faces

Keep going, everyone! Even when you think you can’t inquire yet again on the same person, event, place, condition, or thought…

“To bow to the fact of our life’s sorrows and betrayals is to accept them; and from this deep gesture we discover that all life is workable. As we learn to bow, we discover that the heart holds more freedom and compassion than we could imagine.”–Jack Kornfield

Much Love, Grace

Posted on

Lower Your Standards

I had the privilege once many years ago, when I could barely appreciate it (and he was not yet famous), to meet Desmond Tutu. He taught me about lowering my standards and not thinking everything should be so much better and SO much more perfect than it seemed.

I was just gaining mileage in my journey of self-hate and self-criticism. I had dropped out of the pretty wonderful little liberal arts college my parents were scraping together money for me to attend, I was depressed, I was despairing about what I was going to do with my life.

My parents raised me in their chosen faith which was very profoundly important to them. It just happened to be the same tradition that Desmond Tutu was from, and he came to my home city to be with members of our congregation. It turned out my father and some people in the church had written him a letter and asked him to come.

Such a simple gesture—they asked for what they wanted! They didn’t question whether they should ask or not, or whether it was too much, or if they were being too selfish.

The only reason I was sitting at the table with Desmond Tutu was because he was staying in my parents house.

I felt entirely alone in the world. I wondered what this life was for, and the world seemed quite crazy. I was very busy questioning every belief I had ever heard about. I felt worthless. And the chaos I was experiencing left me full of dread and unhappiness.

I could see at the time that I did NOT LIKE questioning my beliefs! I didn’t really want to feel so uprooted.

Then there I was sitting next to this happy, happy man who was talking about Reality. I didn’t know at that time that I would run into Byron Katie 25 years later who was also talking about Reality.

Something about him caused me to look up. I was touched, right in the middle of dismissing everything around me and thinking this was all a big joke (and I wasn’t laughing).

Desmond Tutu spoke of how we see our Reality through our own personal history and our beliefs. He suggested that these beliefs were learned by those around us, passed along through the ages, and that we didn’t know any better.

He talked about having faith and what it meant. He trilled the “r” in the word Reality. He said “….the Real Reality”….and pointed to the center of his chest.

I could tell this man practiced questioned his thinking about who he thought was an enemy. I felt a deep spark of hope light very softly inside of me that it might be possible to view my world in a different way than I had been seeing it. I could start with the people I thought of as enemies.

I love it when I drop my condemning thoughts about my “enemies”. It doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them and become their best friend. But my critical mind stops running, I feel more peaceful and no longer afraid.

Who would you be without the thought that those mean, nasty people in the world are enemies? Or that this whole set up here, this life, is ridiculous or stupid.

I noticed when I felt the love that Desmond Tutu shared, even when he had observed terrible things, I found the place in me that matched this openness.

He didn’t give me peace, I found it because I recognized it as already inside me. It’s also why many of us love to sit and listen to Byron Katie work with others. We recognize the wisdom we already have. We recognize what it’s like to be in Heaven, just as we are.

We may be surprised at the people we find in heaven. God has a soft spot for sinners. His standards are quite low.—Desmond Tutu

Much Love, Grace

Posted on

Anger, The Wake Up Gong!

This morning in our teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven we did some really interesting inquiry on ANGER.

Mark Twain said “When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”
It’s much more fun to find the humor in anger. But often, we can get really serious about anger, especially if we think something terrible could happen when someone feels it. Like war, murder, hurt, destruction, nasty words, criticism, hate.

I remember seeing a father in a parking lot once, with his young boy. He was shouting at his son “Stay close to me! I want you right here! NOW!” The boy was watching carefully and following his father’s orders, running right behind his father as they crossed the pavement, staying close. He was doing exactly as he was told.

I was judging the whole scene in an instant “that father is too angry, he is too bossy, he is unloving, he is abusive, that child is in danger, the boy looks too compliant…..”

It dawned on me in that moment how just observing the behavior of someone who I labeled as angry, my story begins to take on a whole life of its own.

 Instant anxiety! Concern! Sadness! Hand-wringing! Go in there and stop it! Run!!!!

But when I am looking out there at someone else, and believing their anger is a problem, I know it’s time to do The Work.

The wonderful man who is so well known now for his incredible work all over the world on working with anger, Marshall Rosenberg, says “All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.”

I found when I questioned the belief that anger is destructive, then actually experiencing anger wasn’t so bad. Being around someone else who was expressing anger wasn’t so bad either.

When I am not so fearful of the emotion called anger, instead of pushing it down and doing all that I can to suppress it, I invite it in. I have it sit with me at the table, like inviting it in to have tea.

When I am not so fearful of the emotion of anger, I am more present with other people when they get angry. I can stay with them, instead of attack them or run away.

Now I have great appreciation for anger. If experiences of stress are a little temple bell suggesting that we look at what we’re thinking with care, then anger feels like a GONG crashing right next to my head! WAKE UP!

As Byron Katie says “Pain, anger, and frustration will let us know when it’s time to inquire. We either believe what we think or we question it: there’s no other choice. Questioning our thoughts is the kinder way. Inquiry always leaves us as more loving human beings.”

Much Love,
Grace

Posted on

The Silence We All Have

One of the most comforting, interesting ideas that is repeated by many wise teachers is that we all have some part of us that is solid, unchanging, and kinda beyond this world, beyond the body, beyond whatever is happening.

I was listening to an interview with Stephen Covey, the man who wrote the popular book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People some time ago.

He said “People can’t live with change if there’s not a changeless core inside them.”

Deepak Chopra said “in the midst of chaos and movement, there is a stillness inside you.”

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who wrote so famously on the subject of death and dying said “Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose.”

I used to wonder what this silence was that people mentioned from time to time. When I closed my eyes and tried to meditate and be quiet, it was like a crowd chattering in all different languages, plus a jack-hammer going and some loud beeps like trucks make when they’re going backwards.

I would start thinking about everything. In fact, it even drove me nuts.

One of my favorite things about The Work is that I have questioned enough painful beliefs, it seems, that I began to feel a core inside me that was unchanging, and silent, and very solid and deep.

Great comfort with silence within is an absolutely amazing side-effect of The Work. Once I had questioned my thinking about the things I was most afraid of in all of my life for a couple of years, I decided to go on my first silent meditation retreat.

The first few days, I thought I might go completely bonkers. So many thoughts and voices talking, thoughts like “this is boring” or “I’m not doing this right” or replaying conversations with people I had known 20 years before.

The other day I was riding my bike and listening on my ipod to Katie talk with people about their greatest fears when they lose their jobs or can’t pay their bills. People were talking about how terrible it would be to have only a shopping cart on the street, to be homeless, to not be able to pay their utilities and have no heat or light.

Katie loves to ask “have you ever really NOT had enough? give me a time when you really didn’t have enough, what is that story, the absolute WORST moment.”

I have done this worst-case scenario thinking many, many times. My mind loves to think of scary things and present them, sort of like a fashion show of possibilities. Like my mind is saying “you thought that one was scary? How about this one!”

What a relief to have the question “who would I be without this thought, that this scene or outcome would be TERRIBLE?”

What if everything that happens offers something beautiful?

Katie says “Life will give you everything you need to go deeper.”

I love the deep places, the place inside that is very silent and expansive. All those pictures my mind invents about a scary future or annoying moment in the future, I know they are not real. They’re in my imagination.

Right there in meditation, as my mind is thinking loudly, I can realize that what I’m imagining is not even true, and remember who I would be without this story.

From Loving What Is “how do I know I don’t need two arms [fill in the blank on what you think is missing]? I only have one. There’s no mistake in the universe. The story ‘I need two arms’ is where the suffering begins, because it argues with reality. Without the story…I’m complete with no right arm…”

Wow, if I think about something I thought was missing, like more money for example, and then I drop the story that it is missing….there is an alive, open, buzzing, happy unknown space in the center of me….silent, trusting.

We all have it.

Much Love,
Grace

Posted on

Grateful for Food Obsession

As so many of you know, my relationship with food was the most painful one
in my life, the earliest in my life. At least it seemed like that’s what really ailed me.

It’s the relationship that called me to know something was off with my perception
of life and the world, ultimately nothing really to do with the actual food.

Now, I’m grateful for that experience. It brought me to really understand the
concept of Surrender. I had to look at what I was believing, there was no way
out.

Some of my primary thoughts about living at that time in my twenties were:
this world is a dangerous place, people are dying right and left

  • I can be rejected by anyone, any second of the day
  • I could be hurt randomly, for no apparent reason
  • I am not good enough, courageous enough, wise enough
  • I should NEVER be angry, good people are always kind and “nice”
  • If I’m thin, I’m powerful….if I’m fat, I’m needy
  • If I don’t eat when I’m hungry, if I eat the perfect diet, I’m superior
  • There are “good” foods and there are “bad” foods
  • If I eat the bad foods, or if I am too needy, I should be ashamed
  • What I want is WRONG TERRIBLE HIDEOUS

Jeez, no wonder I was ping-ponging between depression and rage.

Identifying the most painful thoughts is step #1 of the Work. This can be really
hard to do.

Looking at concepts about food, and really, about life, is what we do in the
food and eating class. The power of the group energy is wonderful!

The best, quickest, most powerful and lasting awareness I have consistently
experienced has been in groups. I was lucky enough to find a therapy group
when I was most depressed to start learning new ways to approach life,
to learn not to panic emotionally about things, not be so fearful or angry.

Now, the teleclasses are wonderful collections of people all wanting to
identify their most repetitive stressful beliefs that they live by, and bring them
to light through their own answers.

I love that everyone is their own best teacher. I also love how anyone can do this
work, anyone, even a child.

Posted on

Fabulous Uncertainty

This past week I was in an audience of 4000 counselors and therapists listening to an incredible man deliver a keynote speech at an annual conference, Irving Yalom. He is one of my teachers and a human I greatly admire in this world.

Most people have never heard of him! But he is famous in the world of mental health, a beloved psychotherapist who has taught at Stanford and practiced for 40 years.

Irving Yalom writes in one of his many books that the capacity to tolerate uncertainty is a prerequisite for becoming a therapist, and that really we are all in this together. The “problems” people bring to therapy are ALL of our problems.

This reminds me so much of Byron Katie saying “there are no new thoughts!”

We get uncomfortable and life happens, and we have interactions with other humans (often these are humans related to us, or very close) and something is threatened inside of us. We don’t feel safe, we feel loss, we feel needy, we feel misunderstood.

Then, the mind attacks that other person. It does this so innocently, it’s natural for the mind to do it. That person, that event, that situation caused me unhappiness. That thing outside of me hurt me. If only that thing, that person, hadn’t done that or said that, I would be OK right now.

Off with their head!!!!! Or…Run away!!!!!

And what about reality itself…so many things I haven’t agreed with about this world, if God had asked my opinion. I don’t like blood and accidents and cancer, I don’t like death. I don’t like starvation, hatred, wars, tsunamis, or climate change.

When I first read Loving What Is, I realized that I had a TON of things that I could write the book Hating What Is.

I love how Katie says “who needs God when we have you” when someone is particularly opinionated. And that would be me, right? I mean, like I said, I had a very long list of what I found unacceptable and in need of change. I had a few things to say to God, if I had God’s ear.

But then, oh dear, we can start to feel so horrendous about our thoughts, like we’re just the meanest, nastiest, most cutting, vicious, selfish, bossy person. Or the most cold, withdrawing, nervous person. Or the most unforgiving, resentful, closed-minded person.

Beginning to question all the concepts we have about those people who have done even the smallest thing that caused pain has made a huge difference in my life.

Then, questioning my beliefs about death, reality, God, life, pain….then my mind really begins to expand.

One of my most incredible light-bulb moments of my life was in writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on God. Really lettin’ God have it, all my genuine petty, childish, non-spiritual, angry, despairing judgments.

Then doing The Work on these thoughts…..is it really true that all “this” is a big mess, that this world, this life, is painful, stressful? That God didn’t answer my prayers when I was a child, or that God is aloof and distant?

Who would I be without the thought that something is amiss about life, that this is a tough place to be, this world?

Wow, at first I’d be confused. Blank. Then I continue to stay in question four, who would I be without these terrible thoughts about God or Reality?

Who would I be? I’d be excited. Open. Unafraid. Wondering.

Byron Katie says in A Thousand Names For Joy “the only time you suffer is when you believe a thought that argues with reality. You are the cause of your own suffering–but only all of it. There is no suffering in the world; there’s only an uninvestigated story that leads you to believe it. There is no suffering in the world that’s real. Isn’t that amazing!”

I have a big humongous story that there is lots of suffering in the world—I have found proof that it is true! Haven’t I? But can I really know that what I have thought of as bad is really BAD? For sure, the end, no doubt whatsoever? No. I can’t know absolutely.

Isn’t that amazing!!

Posted on

What Is Success, Really?

If you were really, truly successful…..what would that look like?

Oooh boy, that is such a fine question for the busy busy little mind. It starts the ball rolling on what could be better.

Now, don’t get me wrong! Considering the future is part of life when you have a mind. This is actually a really fun, creative exercise. People use it all the time in trainings and counseling or coaching sessions to allow inspiring visions to appear, to build exciting scenes in the imagination!

And for those of us who tend to picture frightening visions of the future, it can be a new and different idea to envision images that are peaceful, calm and supportive.

But oh what a trickster the mind can be. So many possibilities, it can be overwhelming. So many paths to take.

And the difference between NOW and THEN (that future successful image) gets more and more clear, pronounced, real, distant, far away…..oh dear, here comes the awareness that right NOW is not quite as good as LATER might be.

So what would success look like? I’ve had so many pictures, but it kind of looks like this:

  • If I were really really successful I would be in great physical shape, like I’d decide to run a half-marathon or mountain bike race and it would be no big deal
  • I would have love, joy and laughter in all my interactions with my children—they would adore me and I would adore them
  • I wouldn’t get terrified, enraged, or depressed…..Call me Yoda.
  • All my relationships would be really clear, clean, intimate, honest
  • I would make decisions with speed and sharpness
  • My house and possessions would be elegant, comfortable, and anything needing to be fixed would be fixed IMMEDIATELY
  • I would have plenty of money to travel, pay for my childrens’ education, get massages, do good in the world
  • I would never get sick, I definitely wouldn’t get cancer
  • I would have a fabulous, amazing life partner that was also successful
  • I would be a published author and have a waiting list of clients wanting to work with me
  • I would make a difference in the world, maybe even become famous in my field

Notice how this list is all centered around something called “I”. It’s all about ME. I have found that when the underlying motive is to get “there” to “success” so I can be happy, then I forget that I am actually happy right now.

If I think I’m NOT happy right now, I write down why. I take these concepts to inquiry. I find there is nothing lacking, nothing needed. Success is actually here, right now. No searching necessary, no exercises are necessary even to “picture” what success will be in the future.

From the Tao Te Ching 74: “If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve. Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place. When you handle the master carpenter’s tools, chances are that you’ll cut your hand.”

Once you inquire into what you believe success is, you may find you feel freer, that there is a wonderful place of knowing you can’t hold onto anything. Now it is fun, creative, child-like, and stress-free to play with imagining the future. But it’s not necessary for having a happy life.

The strangest thing is, the more I let go of pushing for success, the more successful I’ve become. Even though, as it turns out, I’ve had cancer, been depressed and pissed off, sometimes have to postpone a class because of low enrollment, and have never published anything. Unless you count this!

Join the next Money and Your Business teleclass on Saturdays starting April 7th! We look deeply at success, fears, how we feel about marketing, money, and what’s the worst that could happen in our working life!

Posted on

Batty 14 Year Olds!

Speaking of batty…

One of my favorite gurus is my 14 year old daughter. Fourteen going on ten. Or…fourteen going on 75.

The comments and moods and behaviors coming from that amazing being, appearing as my daughter, change and swerve right and left, up and down like the way a bat flies.

Hmmm, who does this remind me of? Gosh! It just seems so familiar!

Oh. Yeah. That would be ME.

The mind is incredibly fast, tricky, working hard to solve problems and prevent mishaps.

I have found it to be true, so far, that everything that causes stress ultimately leads to me believing “It’s possible that I’m not safe. I need to live. What matters most is my happiness.”

The absolutely fastest, lazer-speed, cut-to-the-core way to handle anxiety, stress, pain, fear, anger towards this incredible14 year old who I encounter every single day is The Work.

I notice that clients working with children often feel the worst about writing about these young people in their care.

We aren’t supposed to feel rage, fury, grief, horror or shock with children! Then we’re evil like the people in the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang from the town of Vulgaria where children are abhorred by the king and queen!

Here are some of the thoughts I have questioned in the past:

  • She shouldn’t raise her voice at me!
  • She should do what I say!
  • She should notice how messy her room is and clean it up!
  • If I suggest that we do something fun together and she says “I don’t like doing that!” it means she doesn’t want to spend time with me or doesn’t care about me.
  • I want her to like me
  • She should not oppose me!

Even though I see what a dictator I am, I do not shut down and say “I am a terrible mother” because I have these thoughts. Instead, I allow my judgmental mind to have its say. I let it jump around all over the place hissing and spitting out all the mean, vicious, goofy, bossy, controlling thoughts!

NOW, I can really question, with open attention, compassion. No one is wrong, no one is terrible. Let’s look together. All is well. This is just mind, thinking itself into a batty frenzy.

And now this same mind can answer some amazing questions, starting with Is It True?

I have found that answering these four questions on my daughter’s words and actions have made me laugh so hard at myself and my dictatorship…now, life is way funnier and way more fun.

Living with a 14 year old teenager is absolute heaven. I’m in the presence of an incredible spiritual teacher. Showing me true love.

If your child is one of your stressors….write down your Vulgaria Voice judgments and come join us in the telegroup that starts next Tuesday! Laughter may be closer than you think!

Posted on

Mothers!

A reader recently wrote me to ask if I could write something about my experience with doing The Work on Mothers.

The idea of MOTHER is so loaded with concepts that are stressful, you may have noticed!

We have such strong, broad ideas about what mothers are supposed to be when they are good mothers: kind, generous, loving, giving, gentle, caring, powerful, protective, playful, patient, resourceful, thoughtful, good communicators, evolving, aware.

Does any mother actually ever live up to the ideal image? I have had the thought that if I did The Work on only my own mother, that is all I would need to reach understanding with all relationships in this world.

Then with mothers who have a lot of the most “beautiful” qualities, there are even more concepts to question if you long for them now that you’re an adult, you want or need her, you miss her if she’s passed on.

Byron Katie has said that she did the Work on her own mother for three years. It doesn’t matter how often or what that looked like to me, somehow I love that she speaks of this time of questioning her beliefs about “mother” for a long time, on-going, continuing until it was done.

Katie says “the teacher you need is the person you’re living with”.  

The most amazing thing for me is realizing how many years I spent in first, adopting the beliefs that my mother innocently also adopted from her own life….and then blaming my mother for being herself.

And surely my life could have been better if my mother had been different!!

  • Mom should be kind and never get angry
  • Mom shouldn’t care too much about my feelings, that’s co-dependent
  • Mom does not communicate clearly
  • Mom gets into my business too often
  • Mom has too many opinions about food and health
  • Mom is too bossy
  • Mom is too apologetic

The list may seem long and endless for what you believe about your mother.

So many thoughts! How will I get through them all!??!

Just start with one. Think of the situation where you really believed the thought was true. Return to this situation over and over in your mind as you answer the four questions. See that scene in your mind, keep returning to it. It’s good to be facilitated so you stay on track.

The mind is tricky and it will love finding proof for your concept in other, different situations. Wait! But that other time, my mom was REALLY bossy, everyone would agree! If you only knew the story, this is what she did….

Stop!!! Go back to the first situation you thought of. Stay with THAT situation.

The mind loves to skip around like a flat pebble on a smooth lake. And mothers are a Big Lake full of concepts! Even if you didn’t have a mother around, there is a whole list of concepts about what’s wrong with her that she wasn’t there.

Just begin with one concept today. One simple concept that feels true and painful. You never know how questioning concepts about “mother” could bring incredible freedom into your present experience.

If your mother was a particularly difficult person and you notice you have a lot of beliefs about her and how that hurt, come along to the next relationships telecourse starting on Tuesdays. Bring your concepts about “mother”.

She is the perfect teacher for you, that mother that you have, whether still in your life or apparently never there—she’s in your mind!

Posted on

It’s My Fault

I was upset with myself recently and heard my mind say “you got yourself into this, it’s your fault”.

This can happen with big and small events, short and long conversations, big surprises, small surprises, accidents, the unexpected.

What a fantastic concept to question! “It is my fault”. Is that really true? What does that even mean?

It’s like the mind is getting fired up and it’s main focus is “let’s find out who is to blame…and by the way, this time it’s probably YOU!” And if someone is to blame, then they are BAD.

A fantastic meditation teacher and writer called Cheri Huber wrote a book called “There Is Nothing Wrong With You”. I’ve read it, like, 150 times. Seriously. It has big font and not many words on each page.

Imagine the last time you did or said something and then had the thought “that was my fault”.  Your version might be “I shouldn’t have said it that way, I could have prevented that outcome, I’m just not good at ______.” And some of us also start thinking about the other people involved, and how THEY could use some improvement as well of course. Always scanning for who did worse, who is the biggest jerk.

How does it feel in your body when you think it’s your fault? Heavy, depressing, low, thick, nauseated, jittery, aching, sleepy, crushing.

There you are, sitting in a chair, or walking along, or going about your day, and you keep thinking of that stupid thing you did or that your said. You start to think about how you could prevent it next time. You might think about ways you could “pay” for it and therefore feel better.

This is not a friendly belief. It produces tons of stress. Therefore, it is also not a true thought. Beliefs that are true feel peaceful, calm, simple, open. Notice how it also isn’t true that it’s someone else’s fault. That’s also very stressful.

I love sitting with who I would be, in these moments where I decided I was wrong and worthy of blame, without the belief that it was my fault? I don’t mean the kind of saying “it’s not MY fault!” like little kids say when they’re scared to death and they want it to be someone else’s fault.

Cheri Huber asks “Can you be lovable NOT meeting the standards? Can you stop trying to change into who you wish you were long enough to find out who you really are? You will never improve yourself enough to meet your standards.”

Wow! If I turn the painful belief around and look at this concept “there is no one to blame”!

Wait…what? But what about the pain, the difficulties of the world, the people who are hurting, the mental illness, addiction, cancer, disease, psychopaths, murderers, violence!?!

There has to be a reason for these, it has to be someone’s fault! If we don’t find out whose fault it is then terrible things will happen over and over again. I have to find out the root of the badness and pull it out!

News flash: I can’t find who is to blame. It seems easy if it’s me and I pop over to that idea a lot, but….really, who would I be without the thought that the bad stuff is someone’s fault?

Empty. Silent. Open. Vast. Expansive. Wondering. Free. More relaxed, not tight. Not against anything. Not sure. Not knowing. Mind without a job. Mind at rest.

“Beginning to wake up. Beginning to not take it personally. Beginning to see that life isn’t anyone’s fault. It just is and you jsut are, and it’s all just fine.”–Cheri Huber

Join the teleclass on Relationships starting in only 2 weeks! We’ll look at those people we tend to blame in our lives—we all do it–and question it together!

Love, Grace