Don’t they have rather a lot of influence on our lives?
(Ahem).
When it comes to eating, food, and body image, mother soften have passed along a story that’s quite intense about food, cooking, serving others food, eating, body shapes and what they should be.
They learned, just like we did, what was acceptable, good, perfect, or successful.
And they showed us.
Sometimes, they showed us very well indeed.
It’s quite profound, however, to be the one who questions any painful story you’ve heard, or learned, or thought….when it comes to mother.
Here’s a story that may surprise you about my mother, and what I felt when she said “I’m so proud of you”.
I wasn’t happy.
Eating Peace Free 70 minute Masterclass. Sign up to be notified and join the webinar here. You have a choice of three times:
October 24th 9 am PT
October 25th 2 pm PT
November 11th 10 am PT
Free 8 day Eating Peace Experience Course November 4-11, 2018 on facebook LIVE. Opt in HERE to join and receive all the daly lessons.
Eating Peace Process 5 month Immersion starts in November. Registration will open at the end of October. Read about it here.
Eating Peace Annual Retreat. Learn more here. Jan 9-14, 2019 in northeast Seattle, Washington.
Tomorrow: FIRST FRIDAY open free inquiry jam for everyone and anyone. 7:45 – 9:00 am Pacific Time. Join HERE. You’ll see your options for connection when you visit this link about 20 minutes before the session begins.
Then….also tomorrow, Friday July 7th from Noon-1:30 pm PT one of my favorite courses to offer: Ten Barriers To ‘Getting’ The Work, And How To Dissolve Them. A little different every time, and I will record it for all of you who can’t attend. To attend join me HERE. At the very end I’ll share and answer your questions about the Year of Inquiry, which is now accepting registrations for fall.
And if this wasn’t enough for our hungry inquiring minds, I absolutely loved the Opening Day to Summer Camp For The Mind yesterday morning. Tonight is the second option, Thursday Opening Day Summer Camp 7/6 at 5:30 pm. Three hours of a little mini-retreat for you virtually. This is audio only, you listen and write and listen and write and share if you’re drawn to give feedback or comment….or if you’re bravely up for doing The Work out loud.
I get amazed at how 3 hours goes by so fast. Such great questions from everyone, even from the very first steps of filling out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
Sometimes at the very beginning of a mini-retreat, or stepping into a session of The Work, we have a few stressful thoughts. One of them can be….where do I even begin when it comes to The Work?
Yesterday, I had people start with a little quiet, to write in a short list what they felt most disturbed by in their lives. Not too long a list, not too short.
You do hopefully just the right amount of writing to open the door to what wants to be investigated, for you.
Maybe you write down the names of people who bug you. Or who you don’t feel forgiving towards. Or who you feel hurt you. Or other issues you’re bothered by in your life–like your body, a sickness, an unpleasant surprise.
Here’s a key that’s really helped me over time to get into my inner world and my own work: It almost doesn’t even matter what our situations are. The FEELINGS are the important key.
I feel bad about…..
I feel troubled about….
I feel sad, worried, angry, scared, furious about….
Anything uncomfortable is a moment worthy of inquiry. Either lightly disappointing, or absolutely terrifying.
Your feelings are the brilliant compass, or the fog horn, that tells you something’s up. Something needs your attention.
I didn’t used to feel this way, truth be told.
If I was uncomfortable, my first order of business internally was to figure out when I could get to safety, how I could distract or change my feeling, how to fix the situation, and how to feel better ASAP.
Look directly at the feelings and the situation?
No thanks.
I never realized I could question my assumptions. Like, the biggest one being that the situation is an actual problem.
I always just assumed it was. Of course it’s a problem! I’m upset! That proves it is worthy of upseted-ness!
Ahhhh, my little grasshopper, says the wise part of ourselves from somewhere perhaps distant, or over the horizon….’Are you sure that if you feel uncomfortable or troubled, you have a problem?’
I was already out the door, knowing I had a problem on my hands. I was already eating something, or gossiping, or planning which movie I’d be going to, or smoking–because, I needed to take the edge off the feelings. FAST.
It was an emergency, after all.
That’s what feeling strongly felt like.
I had a core underlying belief (which is one of the ten barriers I’ll talk about in the webinar Friday by the way that sometimes blocked my inquiry): Do Not Feel.
It hurts. Don’t do it.
How do you react when you believe feeling in a big way is bad, difficult, to be avoided, terrifying?
I spend huge amounts of energy trying to have a great poker face. Even on the inside. I personally developed wild eating behaviors, called disordered eating (no kidding) because of believing I must never be angry or afraid.
So who would you be without this very stressful belief that feeling big feelings is bad?
Wait. You mean….Huh?
But it IS bad. I hate seeing grown people go on a rampage, or act rude, or cry in public, or start yelling. It’s so….scary! I don’t like it when kids do it, come to think of it!
What if you didn’t know it was scary though? What if it was like the weather….sometimes cold, sometimes hot, sometimes stormy, sometimes wild, sometimes very still, sometimes wet, sometimes windy?
And yes, sometimes weather is a bit frightening. Although, I must admit, the more I’ve gotten comfortable with my feelings, the more willing I am to be in any kind of weather, without severe disturbance. I’m not chasing tornadoes, I’m not even thinking of them. There aren’t any in my neighborhood.
Who would you really be, without your belief that feelings need to be shut down, avoided, crushed, obliterated, cut off, controlled?
I’d feel them.
They’d course through me, sometimes with huge heart-breaking waves, or fist-gripping punches.
Then they’d fade away.
I remember Eckhart Tolle speaking once about big feelings, as he watched two swans attack each other, fight, and then move away from each other. He noticed they both shook and shook, as they glided in opposite directions, as if the fighting was spasming through them and out of them. Then their bodies settled down and relaxed.
Maybe it could be the same for us.
Turning the thought around: It’s safe to have big feelings. It’s dangerous to NOT have them, or to suppress them. It’s good to feel.
How could this be truer?
Oh so easy for me to find, now.
It allows me to address the upset directly, to wonder what’s disturbing me, to explore the inner landscape, to be a part of the human race–someone with reactions and perceptions and a mind worthy of listening to and questioning.
My feelings were what saved my life–they were so distraught and getting so twisted up inside, I had to disconnect from the “normal” path, and get help. They brought me to inquiry.
Becoming more open and familiar and loving towards my own feelings made me someone who could sit with other people having their feelings, and not be afraid. I don’t even have to know what to say, or do. I can just be there.
“It is what you’re believing that is the cause of those feelings and emotions. It’s so important to get in touch with how you react when you think this thought. All of the sudden you have a gifting of emotions to wake you up.” ~ Byron Katie
Even if you’re not sure what you’re believing that led to your troubled feelings, you know at least you’re thinking something. Remembering something. Worried about something.
The feeling is the clue. And with The Work, you can discover what’s behind the curtain–that stressful belief, waiting to be investigated.
Join me tonight for Opening Day, and if you want to come on board the Peace Train, to find peace towards your feelings and your thinking….Summer Camp for The Mind is a great place to share inquiry. Find out all about it HERE). We meet for our shorter 90 minute sessions every week day from July 12 – August 18.
“True mastery can be gained
by letting things go their own way.
It can’t be gained by interfering.”
~ Tao Te Ching #48
This includes feelings running through the body. Letting them go their own way. Not fighting them, the way I did all the time.
Instead of interfering with force…..try The Work.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. I am so excited my hands are clapping because Saturday is Being With Byron Katie. Instead of a webinar or telesession, we’re gathering in person together to watch Katie for 4 days (or however long you can join us) to be in silence and The Work and watch the retreat via streaming. Still room for 2 more, just hit reply if you want to come. Amazing group of people. I can’t wait! If you are dying to attend and you can only do it with financial help, please let me know. Find out more or sign up right HERE.
One of my favorite things about The Work is that you are your own guru, teacher and educator. You answer the four questions known as The Work or self-inquiry (or Inquiry Based Stress Reduction IBSR if you want to get fancy). You find your own turnarounds.
You’re working intimately with your mind on situations that have actually happened in your life–and you’ve got your sometimes vivid, sometimes foggy, painful memories of that situation.
The thing is….when I first started out in The Work….I kind of had mixed feelings about the whole ME being the teacher thing.
What??! I’m the teacher? I’m the guru? DANG IT. That can’t be right. This? (pointing to self). Seriously? Are you talkin’ to me?
Byron Katie suggests: “Anything you want to ask a teacher, ask yourself. And wait for the answer in silence.”
But. (Let’s be honest).
That’s actually the problem here!
My ways don’t seem to work so well. I’ve done it wrong. I have huge flaws. It seems like something’s missing! There must be some mistake.
Can’t you see? I am NOT the teacher. I’m a dork!
(And I know the Voice in the head to some of us is pretty mean. It calls you names far worse than “dork”).
The thing is, this orientation towards ourselves can be so loud, so rude, so dismissive, and so fretful….
….you don’t feel like you can answer these questions about reality and the world and your life, with any kind of confidence or clarity. The despair has already set in. Maybe you worry that if you DID answer the questions, they’d be the WRONG answers.
At least, that’s how I felt about my own answers. Tentative. Nervous. Very lacking in trust.
I was totally convinced I was LOOKING for answers, not that I HAD answers already. Stop telling me I have answers! I don’t!
Here’s the good news: all these ideas about you missing something, about you not being the teacher? They are only more thoughts, upon thoughts, upon thoughts. And very worthy of inquiry.
The energy of attack you have towards yourself, you’ve also had about other people, or life encounters that were scary. It’s a fairly natural human reaction to loss, surprise, shock, or believing you lack love to Go To War with something. Anything. The self is usually the best target of all (it seems). We don’t really want to hurt other people. So we turn it on us.
I keep noticing, everyone is truly a real softie inside for the most part (OK, always). We really don’t want anyone to suffer. We wish we ourselves didn’t suffer.
So what do we do with The Work if we feel like we can’t answer the questions, or trust our answers, or we feel super confused, and we’re just so dang sure we can’t be the One, or the teacher?
Start with….naturally….The Work.
Is it true you can’t answer the four questions and get anywhere, or be your own teacher? Are you sure your answers aren’t the complete package, the full monty, the best way?
Hmmm.
Ummm.
It FEELS like there’s something missing here, but I can’t know it’s absolutely true.
How do you react when you think the thought that you can’t really be your own personal guru, or answer-giver?
I circle the globe looking for other teachers. Better teachers. Other people who know a lot more than me, or seem to. I get nervous about who I can or can’t trust. I’m full of longing. I think the answer is in Rishikesh. Not here. I listen to hours of talks on youtube.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Because there really isn’t. Amazing wisdom resides in this world. And some of it’s on the internet.
How do I react?
I DO NOT DO THE WORK. Not all by myself.
I keep saying “whatever’s here can’t be it”. I think it’s not enough. I’m not smart enough, good enough, wise enough, patient enough, slow enough, fit enough, relaxed enough.
But who would you be without your story that you aren’t the teacher you’ve been waiting for?
Gulp.
Wait.
You mean….
I’m not even sure who I’d be. OK though. I’ll try to answer.
Without the belief….I’d feel curious. Kind of weird. Unknown. I’d notice the space I’m in, the present moment. I’d notice the mind very busy with thought, and also a pulsing aliveness here. I’d find it funny that I have no answers, but feel like that’s also OK somehow. I’d notice I’m here.
Turning the thought around: I am my own teacher. I’m the One I’ve been waiting for.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
I’m the only one who has been here for every single moment of my life, in addition to some part of “reality” or “life” or “creation” which has also been here all of my life (call it God if you like).
I’m the only one who knows the in’s and out’s of the way I move through life.
I’m the one who remembers the situations the way I remember them, whether painful or joyful. They get locked in my mental files just THAT way, even if others were there to observe it differently.
Even when I’ve been the meanest to myself you can imagine, with really violent thinking, I haven’t eliminated myself. Something has stuck here even when thoughts were cray cray. I’m still here!
I’m the one who’s been drawn to all these amazing experiences and fascinating characters who are fellow travelers here on earth. All the wonderful teachers, the programs (like the school and other beautiful retreats and gatherings). I said Yes. Even without getting why.
Except for my thoughts, life is pretty astonishing, unusual, full of magnificent variety, and totally weird.
Holy Wow.
I am that.
Someone wrote a book with that title….and it could be entirely and completely just as true or truer that you are.
If you’re not so sure about doing The Work or if questioning your thoughts can bring freedom, and a joy you never expected….
….join me for a really powerful webinar coming soon where I go into depth about what it is that keeps self-inquiry from working.
When you register, you’ll get a list of ten barriers I’ve found that all point to the very same Big Kahuna barrier of Not Believing I’m The One I’ve Been Waiting For.
Perhaps all these ten barriers are just ways we remain ignorant, or entrenched in our idea that This Can’t Be It.
I find it’s been helpful to see all these little ways the mind will sabotage, sneak around, trick, or try to stay in a fearful place about life and What Is.
And although I’ve taught the webinar before, every single time I show up and share the slides, the barriers, the exercises, something changes and is new. It’s never the same, based on the questions that come and who attends.
Join me Friday, July 7th for a live webinar: Ten Barriers That Make The Work Difficult, Meh, or Unconvincing….And How To Deepen Your Self-Inquiry Instead.
I’ll also answer questions at the end about the upcoming Year of Inquiry, a small group immersion in The Work from September 2017 through June 2018 with Summer Camp for The Mind for July and August 2018 also….a full and entire year with a small group of devoted inquirers, all doing The Work together.
Everyone who completes the Full Year of Inquiry Program can receive credit for a 9 day School for The Work plus 80 additional credits in training towards Certification in The Work.
Many (maybe most) people join are not pursuing accreditation. Because it’s simply about being in The Work, remembering to question what you’re thinking that hurts.
This program is about YOU. You being your own teacher. Your Year of Inquiry, your school of yourself. You really are the guru or teacher of your own life, and sharing it with us all is a gift.
If you’d like to learn more, besides the Big Kahuna barrier of believing you are not enough and NOT your own teacher, then sign up for the upcoming 90 minute free webinar I on this topic of barriers that prevent us from questioning our thinking, and loving what is.
When you register, I’ll be including a summary handout of the ten barriers.
We meet online Friday, July 7th Noon – 1:30 pm. At the end of the webinar, I’ll include information on Year of Inquiry plus Q & A, so bring your questions!
“You are the one you’ve been looking for.” ~ Byron Katie
I’m getting so very excited for Year of Inquiry starting in September!
The Year of Inquiry program has been given the incredible honor of being the equivalent of one School for The Work (+ 80 hours of partner pairing) inside the Institute for The Work which certifies people in The Work of Byron Katie.
This means, for anyone interested in full certification, upon completion of the Year of Inquiry program, you can become a part of the Institute for The Work with your first school plus 80 credits already done.
But the most important reason people participate in Year of Inquiry?
To stay steady in The Work and connect with other people committed to the same deep work in inner exploration of the mind, questioning stressful thinking, and transforming inaction, suffering and despair in our lives.
To get ready for YOI…I’ll be offering a free webinar Masterclass: Ten Barriers to Doing The Work, and How To Dissolve Them. The masterclass stands alone, and, at the end I’ll explain all about the Year of Inquiry program and answer your questions.
While I will offer this masterclass again this summer, the first one is this coming Friday morning June 16th 8:00 am Pacific Time.
Set aside at least 90 minutes, bring a pen and paper (the entire class WILL be recorded) and join me for a powerful journey in self-inquiry.
The Eating Peace Masterclass on the Barriers in The Mind That Come Between Us And Eating Peace meets this evening at 5:30 pm PT OR Weds 1/11 at 8:30 am. Register here. (It’s free). You’ll receive the link to join in your Inbox. If for any reason you don’t see it delivered to you, please hit “reply” to this email and I’ll help.
You don’t have to have a heavy “eating” issue (although my focus and language will be around reaching for food) to join this class. If you get the link to join, you can unsubscribe from Eating Peace list any time by clicking on the little letters at the bottom of anything I send out (Unsubscribe/Update Your Profile).
So what do I actually mean by “barriers” to peace, or specifically barriers to eating peace?
Oh so intricate, slippery and complicated, it seems.
There are many reasons people have, often very personal, for eating off-balance or having battles with food and eating.
There are many personal reasons why people have all kinds of whacky or obsessive behavior, or do something unnatural or less-than-peaceful.
I once worked with a man who was very disturbed by his use of pornography. He paid lots of money for various sexual stimulation, all online and without any real contact with other human beings. He was incredibly lonely, even though he spent a ton of time engaged in his activity.
I’ve spoken with many people, from my years working at a cancer treatment clinic, who smoked tobacco and were so disappointed in themselves for getting addicted and continuing with their smoking for many years. They felt awful, guilty for causing their cancer, and yet really felt they couldn’t quit.
There are so many other human behaviors that involve confusion about the way we behave.
Usually, eating wars aren’t directly associated with the food itself.
I’ve mentioned “hidden” beliefs or assumptions running that make eating get out of whack. If you’re not so sure about the word “hidden” you might say they’re protective or adaptive mechanisms, to make sure you stay safe, don’t enter a threatening situation, remain comfortable, avoid the pain of suffering, avoid emptiness or despair.
The thing is, the deeper, maybe long-term reasons you eat the way you do (or whatever the behavior) is usually quite personal to your own life, even if it’s not unique as an activity or adaptation.
The barriers I’ll be sharing with everyone on the masterclass are the thoughts, generally, we think on the surface that keep us from looking under the hood at what’s fueling our compulsions.
These are attitudes like “I’m in a hurry!” or “There’s something wrong with me!”
The voices in the head that shout internally, and make sure you never “see” what you’re really nervous about in any moment where you feel….well, nervous.
I used to feel like I was SUDDENLY overcome with the urgent need to binge eat. I might have been only a little hungry, or I don’t even know what I felt (because I paid little attention to my stomach or physical sensations that meant it was time to start or stop eating).
It was super emotional: ANGER. FRUSTRATION. DESPAIR. NERVOUSNESS.
I know….I’ll get something to eat.
It was like everything locked down on eating, and I was aware of almost nothing else but the need to eat and the continued urge to eat. Then later, of course, stubborn self-hatred about what a dunce I was for eating like that.
I thought the only thing that could alleviate the pain, the cravings, the urge, the “wanting”…..was the act of eating itself, or succumbing to the cravings.
Whatever kind of crazy behavior, or unwanted behavior, you’ve engaged in….I say, there’s a very good reason for it. It doesn’t just come out of the thin blue air for absolutely no purpose.
Get below and past and through these barriers to “seeing” and you’ll be looking at an inner landscape of your reasons you personally consume.
I’ll share with you in the Eating Peace Masterclass some of the ways you can work with these common barriers, and get deeper into what’s eating you, and to stop eating.
(By the way, if you want to come on board to watch the masterclass and apply the teaching to a DIFFERENT compulsion altogether, go for it and you might find some insights into how to address your behavior).
But even if you can’t attend the masterclass at all, here’s a few wonderful questions I’ll leave with you today, if you’re curious about this conflicted inner world when it comes to some kind of activity you do that seems weird, confusing or bad for you:
Is there anything that frightens you about quitting your escape, comfort, pleasurable activity?
What’s the worst that could happen, if you no longer had this behavior to help you cope?
What’s dangerous about being at a normal or slender weight (if this applies to you)?
What’s upsetting in your mind (pictures, thoughts, scenes, memories, feelings) if you didn’t have your activity to help you forget about them?
Where have you felt powerless in your life, like you have no say, no control, no choice?
Each one of these questions is worth spending some time with.
The most important thing with deep investigations, with archaeological digs into the past….is to take them slowly, just like an archaeologist takes a delicate brush and tiny instruments to sweep away the dust and dirt of some precious gem buried for thousands of years.
Slowly. With compassion for yourself.
The best way to proceed with this exploration?
Write down your thoughts….notice what frightens you….
….and do The Work.
“When a child gets lost, he may feel sheer terror. It can be just as frightening when you’re lost inside the mind’s chaos. But when you enter The Work, it is possible to find order and to learn the way back home….That is how The Work functions. Once the mind is met with understanding, it can always find its way back home. There is no place where you can remain lost or confused.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
You don’t have to do it all by yourself. (Hint, another one of the barriers is thinking you have to).
Start with only one situation you find particularly troubling, when it comes to your compulsive behavior. See what else was going on in that moment that might have sparked a reaction.
Wow, thank you to so many people who have written to ask for the link to the MasterClass Replays on ten barriers that derail, confuse, or make doing The Work meh instead of exciting….and how to dissolve them and go deeper.
It’s a full two-plus hours, which is not for everyone….but if you decided you’d like to listen in, even if you didn’t register to participate….I’m including the replay link at the end of this Grace Note.
Mostly because I can’t keep straight anymore who wanted the replay. I love you asked, so here it is. No opt-in necessary.
And because I seriously got so many requests, via facebook, email, and even two texts, I’m planning an encore. Yes, I’ll offer it one more time!
Wednesday, August 17th this very next week, at 2 pm Pacific.
To attend live, I will have you register, so those of you who really don’t want to hear about this masterclass again, won’t. If you want to sign up and join me, head over here. The advantage of being there live is I’ll read and answer all your questions out loud from the Q & A page, you’ll get to comment, share, and participate.
Which brings me to an interesting stressful thought around sharing, doing, creating, announcing, offering, promoting, and connecting to others in this world.
I need to NOT share too much.
Is it them, or you, who is sharing too much? Even if it’s not Out Loud, you might be yakking away with your judgments, instead of sharing the truth
Have you ever had this thought?
I’m not talking about the obvious arena for this stressful belief: running a small business, offering a service, needing to spread the word out in the community, also known as marketing.
I’ve had this thought when it comes to participating in a group discussion or conversation, at parties, in family gatherings!
I’ve had this belief about other people too….they’re sharing too much, they’re blabbing on and on, they take over the floor too often, they should put a lid on it!
Well….the way we can get the most juicy, deep clarity from this stressful observation that it’s possible to share too much, is to find a situation when someone did.
Do you know someone who shares, talks, speaks, tells too much?
I instantly had someone come to mind.
Man, what a motor mouth.
I picture myself sitting with him at a coffee house. He’s smiling and talking and keeps on saying “you know?” with his thick New York accent and keeps on going.
I can’t get a word in edgewise.
Does he even care about one single thing I might share or think?
Does he notice how he’s dominating the entire two hours we’ve had together? Jeezus, take a breath!
(Gosh. I also have two other people, entirely different people, who I also had the very exact same thoughts about. Hmmm. What’s the common denominator. Oh. That would be me. Um….Let’s keep going.)
He’s sharing too much.
Is it true?
Yes, oh lordy, yes. Why didn’t I say I had an appointment right after? I need to get outta here!
But can I absolutely know it’s true he’s sharing too much? Can I know it’s HIM who is the culprit? Can I know it’s too much, for me? For this moment? For him?
No.
I see I’m not saying anything. I’m not speaking up. He thinks I’m happy with the speed and quantity of this sharing. How would he know otherwise? I’m even smiling. I look engaged.
How do I react when I think he’s sharing too much?
I think about escaping, and doing it “politely” is the only alternative. All the blame is over there, on him. I miss the awareness that I am saying nothing, so there’s a vacuum. I miss my own fear of speaking up, of telling the truth, of participating fully and connecting with this friend genuinely.
I create a wall of separation.
I keep friends who don’t over-share, and I ditch the ones who do.
Oh dear. Embarrassing.
So who would I be without the belief he’s sharing too much, or that it’s even possible to over-share?
I push the “pause” button on this scene and hold still, without hearing the sound, without feeling the escape-urges.
Without the belief he’s over-sharing, I see someone eager and happy. I see joy and excitement. I feel the trust he has in me as a listener. I feel open, relaxed.
I also notice I can speak, myself. I can say “hold on there brother, you’re moving awfully fast, and I’d love to make a comment” if I actually want to.
I can even ask if he’s nervous.
Without the belief that it’s possible to share too much, or make a mistake around sharing, talking, announcing….
….then I notice I’m a fantastic listener. I’m hearing sound, words, expression all coming into my space and I’m delighted. I can also call it quits any time, without stress.
I turn the thought around:
He’s sharing just right, not too much. I’m sharing too much with all my inner commentary about sharing, and wanting to escape.
Can I find an example of how him sharing is lovely, a service, or easy (instead of intolerable or annoying or too much)?
Yes. He’s telling me about his life, his ideas, his inner world, his heart. He’s connecting with me. We’re joining through communication. How about I actually participate, and speak what’s true for me? What if I bring what’s true for me to this table, instead of hiding and believing I can’t?
What if every motor mouth I ever met is someone reaching out to connect, and I can reach back, with love? I might even make a suggestion we sit with each other in silence, if it feels right.
How could it be wonderful, that they share as they’re inspired? I notice it doesn’t harm anyone, and certainly doesn’t harm me.
I see the turnaround to myself, taking this friend and any talkative, sharing person out of it, is I share too much with ME. I’m constantly talking on the inside of my head about needing escape. I’ve been very noisy with myself on what I’m doing wrong, how I need to fix myself, and the need for improvement and change, or how I can’t sit still and listen to another human speak.
Maybe these people are matching the motor-mind I’ve had on the inside.
Get the replay link for the recorded masterclass from August 9th here.
“My friends are always right. And I get to realize it or suffer….Until you love them unconditionally, your work’s not done.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Are you sure it’s an awful, terrible thing if you lose? Are you positive you’ll suffer?
This Thursday is the very first masterclass: Bringing The Work Home–Ten Barriers For Doing Self-Inquiry for Deep Transformational Change….And How To Dissolve Them.
I’ll be offering it at 5:30-7:30 pm Thursday, then next week on Tuesday August 9th again from 8:30-10:30 am. If you’re interested in this topic and want to join me to refine your work, identify what’s bothering you, sink in a little deeper to your process or practice, then sign up here.
Speaking of scheduling classes, I have to confess I’ve been working so hard behind the scenes to research, learn, summarize and deepen this work for myself, so I can share it with others….
….it feels like I’m very deeply into it. I care.
I notice sometimes with care, along comes worry.
Worrying is a strange form of stress.
We all know it’s uncomfortable, but not necessarily debilitating. It doesn’t prevent us from living life and going about our business.
Unless.
If we start worrying constantly, or repetitively worrying about the same thing (which basically defines worry-thinking about the same thing over and over with no sense of peace) then the thoughts we’re thinking, seeing, and imagining can result in a constant sense of tension, tightness, and even low-grade anxiety.
The funny thing I’ve noticed about worry is how it doesn’t feel acutely serious, so it’s easy to dismiss.
“This isn’t that bad. It might not happen. I already know this is just me. Everything’s probably OK. I should stop thinking about it. I’ll do something to distract myself.”
I’ve noticed, however, when I have a worry that returns persistently, it’s time for The Work.
I began to watch my worries over time, so I could study them instead of write them off as an over-reactive mind, or a tendency towards anxiety, or label myself as a compulsive thinker/worrier who SHOULD be more optimistic.
I noticed some themes.
Someone else is going to have a difficult time emotionally. Someone else is sad, depressed, or angry. I will experience rejection, abandonment, criticism. Someone else could experience waiting, nervousness, upset, or despair. Or I could. Someone, or me, could fail. I could die. Someone else could die. I might suffer. Someone else might suffer.
Basically they could all fall under the category “suffering could happen”. Whether it’s me or someone else.
And then I see all the imaginary visions of proof. I see in my head many ways this suffering could be possible, whether I heard about it before from someone else, or saw it on TV or in the movies or in a book, or it happened to me directly.
I know it’s a huge common Big Kahuna belief to think “I could suffer!” and it’s very general….but let’s question it anyway. (And maybe this is the ultimate only stressful thought, ever).
Let’s take a look.
Right now, find one situation where you think it could go awry, or things might not turn out great, or you might lose. Any place you notice worry arise in you. Parents often experience this about their kids. People experience this about events coming where they hope it goes a certain way. Relationships. Money. Health. Success.
You get the idea.
Just pick one thing you notice you worry about that’s coming along down the road.
I noticed the other day, I’m thinking about these upcoming masterclasses I’m teaching. Little flits of sensation I could call worry occur, as I construct the format and get the slide presentation ready and hope the technology works (no internet break-downs please). As I wonder what to include and what not to include, and wonder why I picked TEN barriers to self-inquiry because while I do have a nice big juicy list, ten is a lot to cover. As I add all the ways to work with these “barriers” and crack them open AND make sure to add some important ingredients. It’s all a LOT of information. And I want to work with those of you who are there in the live Q & A and read what you share, and respond. And. And. And.
A friend of mine has a race she’s going to be running.
She has the very same kind of experience when thinking about her event. She pictures the start, how it will feel running, anticipating her own fuel needs like that goo stuff you eat for long marathon runs, and water, and wearing the right clothing.
The planning is great, and wise….but the feeling of worry is not so fun, and can interrupt a good night’s sleep or make the day you’re in NOW feel full of thoughts about this later moment. Ugh.
You could suffer during that event or experience.
Is it true?
Yes! I could! It would be a major bummer if the internet cut out!
OK, now pause.
One of my favorite exercises is allowing the scene to come to mind of the Worst Case Scenario.
I’m in my house, my deluxe headset is on, I’m sitting on my couch next to the internet router, and bam. The electricity goes out in the entire house.
I can’t see my own slide presentation, the computer has the spinning wheel, I hear nothing, people are waiting, I’ve put a lot of work into this, people have shown up, and now it’s FAILING.
Now, I can write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on that situation, the imaginary future horrible worst case scenario moment.
The JYN, in case you’re not super familiar with The Work, is the very first preparation step where you answer six questions about WHY you are upset in that situation, and what you think would fix it, or help.
To capture these concepts on paper is very powerful. Because then, you’ve got words to match your worried feeling. You actually get to sit with your worry instead of brush it away like an annoying insect.
Or even worse you don’t treat this worry like you SHOULD be thinking more positively, or else….and yet you can’t (all that pressure).
Now, after I write the JYN on this terrible future moment, I’m more clear about the situation I imagine would cause great suffering for me.
In THAT situation, I could suffer. Is it absolutely true?
Hmmm. Well. I never thought of this before. Could it be possible to Not Suffer in this situation of internet, phone, technology failure with people waiting and all my preparation gone to nada?
Yes, it is possible I could not suffer. Wow.
I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that I would suffer.
But even if you have a situation where you think it IS true that you’d suffer for sure, you get to keep going with the four questions.
How do you react when you believe this situation would cause suffering?
Worry, worry, worry.
Who would you be without this belief, that you could suffer if it went the way you’re imagining?
I picture again this worst case scenario, without the belief that it could cause suffering for me.
Without the belief that it would mean failure, doom, rejection, abandonment.
Wow.
Without this belief, I notice it’s kind of funny. A little chuckle appears in my consciousness.
Without the belief that This Means Suffering….I kind of think “Huh, what d’ya know. It’s going this way. Fascinating.”
This doesn’t mean I might not like it for awhile. It might be very uncomfortable. I might have no idea what to do next.
You might be dealing with a much bigger “threat” where you believe you will suffer, perhaps for a long time, or that others will suffer, or both.
But can you imagine, just a little bit, what it would be like to not believe you will permanently suffer over this, or that it doesn’t have some powerfully good consequences, or that it’s not as bad as you think?
That’s who you’d be without the thought.
Turning it around every way I find is truer:
Suffering could not happen at all. Suffering is not happening to “me” personally (it is not unique and directed to only me). Suffering will happen for sure….but it’s not a terrible thing (not as terrible as I THINK). Suffering could happen in my thinking (only) not in reality.
Or even, this turnaround: Lack of suffering (joy, peace, love) could happen, in this situation.
Holy Smokes.
Once again I feel the awareness of nothing being able to knock me away from a center of love, emptiness and freedom. It is without the knowing mind. It is without mind thinking, or not thinking–it can do what it wants.
And something here is OK, no matter what happens or doesn’t. No matter what has ever happened, something is present right here. Alive and conscious. Aware. Seeing.
“If you think there’s a problem, your work isn’t done.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
I hope you’ll join me in the upcoming masterclass if you have two hours to set aside and you love deepening your work by looking at common sticky spots humans have when using The Work or inquiring into their minds.
I can’t wait. Although, actually, it turns out, I can….and happily.
I’m offering a live free masterclass: Ten Barriers to Doing The Work as a Transformational Practice….And How To Dissolve Them.
I’ve thought about sharing this with others for a very long time.
Ever since I noticed the fascinating way the mind shows up looking at life with a trickster attitude either hell-bent on keeping you in the dark, or very quietly-and-subtly bent on making things not-quite-clear.
Well, I speak for myself. And I’ve heard so many people wonder about why they aren’t seeing clearly, or making the changes they want.
I’ve heard people ask Byron Katie questions about The Work and express their frustrations and worries, and their deep desire to end their mental suffering about relationships, events, feelings, the past, the future…..LIFE!
So I began to make note of where objections appeared, and where people felt lost.
I watched my own process of slowly going deeper, and sometimes experiencing big huge lightbulb moments of expansion in my perspectives.
I’ve asked you where you’ve wondered about why The Work is confusing, troubling, or “not working” for you.
I have LOVED receiving your answers (thank you).
So now…..I’m super excited to gather with you on this profound topic of deepening self-inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie, sharing insights from the journey of others, understanding your own common foggy-patterns (more on this in a minute), and maybe most importantly…..sharing with you some powerful and reliable ways to dissolve barriers to The Work.
While we are all ultimately very much alike (there are no new thoughts, as Katie says)….
….you might find yourself stuck and in need of a dose of understanding about the way your mind seems to be handling your journey in awareness and awakening.
If you’d like to explore this process….then I would be honored to have you attend this first-time ever Masterclass for Bringing The Work Home: Ten Common Barriers To Self-Inquiry, and How To Dissolve Them.
It is my greatest intention, pleasure and commitment to be in service to freedom from believing stressful thought, which I know is possible for everyone (it’s my sincere commitment within myself, which is everything).
I hope you’ll join me if you’re inspired to living a free, open-handed, joyful life of accepting, being, and loving what is.
When I was a kid, I distinctly remember not caring about other peoples’ approval.
Not all the time.
But I remember the feeling really well, like a free-form state of absolute comfort being alone with myself.
This may have been age 4.
Then something happened (like I share in the newest Peace Talk Episode 117) where I felt driven by the need for approval and doing it right, instead of doing whatever I wanted to do.
And from there the concerned continued. I was critical of myself for wanting approval.
Oyes, I couldn’t win.
The other day, considering my own inquiry, I noticed a loosening up on a belief I didn’t even realized was pretty stressful: I shouldn’t have wanted my grandpa’s approval so badly.
Or my mom’s. Or my dad’s. Or all my sisters or grandparents, teachers, adults….well, the list goes on into adulthood.
I shouldn’t have wanted their approval, is it true?
P.S. I am planning a wonderful masterclass with slides and interaction, to look at the big reasons I’ve heard (or, ahem, experienced myself) about why The Work or inquiring into a thought doesn’t seem to “work”, when it doesn’t.
I’ve got a great list to share. If you’re interested….you’ll be the first to sign up. Just click here to register. Share the link with any inquirers you know who might love to participate to find out why, how, where or what they’re getting stuck in.
The Eating Peace Masterclass on the Barriers in The Mind That Come Between Us And Eating Peace meets this evening at 5:30 pm PT OR Weds 1/11 at 8:30 am. Register 
