Tag: eckhart tolle

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There Is Something Wrong

Yesterday my road trip continued. The highway stretching out, breathing in scent of pines, passing a recent accident with firetrucks flashing lights.

A big huge mountain was suddenly there in front of me rising up, with the peak covered in clouds and warm rain pattering on my windshield. Mount Shasta.

One of my teachers, Steven Bodian, once said he had many awakening moments in a silent car, lightbulb going off.

You’re traveling through space, thoughts free-floating and free-falling. Then you remember something.

Winding down the pass…I think of a family camping trip to California. I am twelve.

We are on the road for several weeks, maybe three. My dad is on summer quarter school break, my mom takes a vacation from work. My grandma is with us.

One night we are in a gorgeous campground with the Pacific Ocean stretching out below us. Tents have been set up, my grandma is in her camping chair.

My sister who is eleven and I get into some argument about where we’re sleeping…I can’t remember what it was about. But I was so angry, I take her personal suitcase full of her clothes and belongings, and dump it all over the ground and the fling the empty suitcase as far as I can.

She looks at me in shock and fury.

I run to a nearby tree and climb it, up, up, up and sit there and peek down below at the destruction.

She’s telling my parents what I did and beckoning them to come see.

Now…here’s the part that still has a tiny edgy memory of shame.

My dad starts looking for me, but I say nothing and don’t come down the tree. I feel sick.

The seriousness of this guilt was so intense, I still remember it to this day, even though I don’t remember the actual fighting part with my sister.

I can do The Work from here, from what was then the future, the Now looking at the past. I came through here today to clean this up.

I was terrible.

Find the place where you have sometime felt this to be true.

See if it was.

Can you absolutely be sure that you were terrible, guilty, bad, and should be ashamed of yourself?

Even if you say yes, keep going with contemplating this belief.

How do you react when you believe it’s your fault, you did it, and it turned out like shit?

Self-condemnation sets in. Vows to never to it again. Hiding, embarrassment, feeling mortified. “Working” on yourself to fix this problem.

But who would you be without the belief that you were terrible?

Notice the whole entire situation without the self-criticism. Look at everyone in the scene. Notice what your thoughts were about everyone you were interacting with, not just you.

Oh yeah!

Begin to identify more clearly why you were hurt. Who else might have thought you were terrible? Why? What did you really want from people at that time, in that situation?

If you don’t just stop at the I-Hate-Myself platform…what else was going on?

You get to find out when you relive that moment and investigate.

I noticed I was most worried about what my dad thought of me having a fit. I felt rage, and then terrified he wouldn’t love me because I expressed rage.

Lightbulb.

I was copying my dad. He got angry sometimes, exploded, and then appeared to feel terrible and unloved.

Same same.

Without that thought, I notice it’s just humans, expressing themselves.

“The feeling that something is wrong…that’s not a personal problem of yours, it is a universal, human condition to carry inside the feeling that something is wrong. Then the mind looks for what it can do about it…where is the thing that’s wrong? And it misinterprets situations.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Nothing was wrong, nothing was terrible.

There was passion, energy, love, fear all swirling together. Things more things happened next. The scene moved on and became a memory. The bigness of the feelings relaxed, my sister and I were friends again, I always knew my dad loved me and I loved him.

“When you sit quiet and watch yourself, all kinds of things may come to the surface. Do nothing about them, don’t react to them; as they have come so will they go, by themselves.” ~ Nisargadatta

Love, Grace

 

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You’re Supposed To Have Fun On Saturday Night

This past weekend included a Monday holiday in the USA, so we had a long weekend.

I actually put down my computer, set aside skype, mostly put away my calendar, and did not work with clients for One Whole Day.

I must admit, I have a returning whirling dervish attitude towards getting stuff done sometimes.

Like a wave of a feeling, it comes on and shouts “Don’t dink around, accomplish stuff, go, go, go!”

(Do you remember the children’s book “Go Dog, Go?” Well, it’s like that, only not so many parties.)

Even though I didn’t put so many clients on my schedule, on the weekend afternoon I set aside what I thought would be two hours to do website updates, learn a new software program, and do accounting.

My husband and I had talked of going to a movie that night, a somewhat rare treat.

I rolled through the accounting, I devoted time to learning….two hours went by like that (snap).

Then I started working on some stuff for Year of Inquiry and Summer Camp and then next time I looked up it was 6:30 pm.

Getting kind of close to not being able to go to an earlier movie.

Husband knocked on the door and said in his incredibly kind way “are you free?” I said no, maybe in a little while.

The next time I looked up it was 9 pm. Then 10:15. Too late for any movies.

Then it was 11:30 pm, still working, and Saturday night, over.

I had accomplished a lot, but had a wave of disappointment. Wasn’t this evening supposed to be spent having time with my partner, enjoying the fantasy story of a movie?

When I was a teenager, we used to say we were “vegging out”. Like a vegetable.

Just….doing nothing. Hanging out. Playing, talking, lying around.

Oh those days, where have they gone? Where did my Saturday night just go?

Dang it.

I should have stopped and taken a break. That’s what life is for. Enjoying and having fun. Jeez. What’s wrong with me. I’m becoming a workaholic. Why can’t I just chill?

Is it true?

Yes. It’s almost midnight and I started this project at 3 in the afternoon!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, that I should have stopped and interrupted that creative, intense flow?

No.

But I wanted to see Spiderman! I missed out. My very patient husband kinda wanted to spend time with me and I with him.

How do you react when you believe that thought?

Frantic. A sinking feeling. Not enough time on this planet for it all. I can’t do it fast enough. Quick, quick, needa get it done.

Tired.

So who would you be without that belief that what you did prevented you from doing something else more fun? Or that what you chose eliminated something else, at all?

There’s the picture of a dinner out plus Spiderman night, and the actual reality of a torrent of creative energy and tasks unfolding.

I know very well that when I believe something else should have happened than what actually happened….

….it’s rather disturbing.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

Even if I think I am suffering because of ME and my own choices and my own propensity to over-do things, or because of my own mind being very one-tracked at times.

Thinking I did it wrong and that there’s someone to blame (me) creates trouble.

I turn the thoughts around: I should NOT have stopped and taken any break. That’s what life is for. I was enjoying and having fun. Yay! Things are right with me. I’m becoming a joy-aholic. I have fun on Saturday nights doing anything! 

I didn’t miss out.

Wow. That’s actually all very true. It’s all truer.

“When you say, I enjoy doing this or that, it is really a misperception. It makes it appear that the joy comes from what you do, but that is not the case. Joy does not come from what you do, it flows into what you do and thus into this world from deep within you.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I love catching even these tiny quick moments of fleeting disappointment and turning them around.

Hand-clapping wonderful!

And the next day….dance, meditation, talking with family, friends, vacuuming, music, singing, Spiderman.

Much love, Grace

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Your Ancestors Judgments Were Perfect For You

Yesterday I gathered with many family members to share, celebrate, and uphold tradition that has been a part of our family for many generations.

Everyone’s got traditions like that. We get together (or we don’t) and it happens like this.

One thing I love about my amazing and very big family is how much they’ve changed since I began to question my thinking.

Ha ha!

I used to think they were critical, competitive and harsh. I knew they loved me, and cared about me deeply.

But I’d get sort of “prepared” when on the way to family events.

You know, kind of bolster up for probing questions, uncomfortable exchanges, annoying mannerisms.

People get hurt at those big family dinners, have you noticed?

The thing is….now, when I observe my family both in the present and in the past….they come out looking pretty freakin’ incredible.

They are generous, caring, creative, fascinating, supportive, curious, kind, direct and hilarious….just about everything I ever wanted a family to be.

And these are the SAME PEOPLE I used to feel a little frightened of, as a “group”.

Gosh. What changed?

Uh, yah. That would be me.

Family is one of the most intriguing places for inquiry ever.

People come to work with me all the time on family, and specific members of the family. These people drive them bonkers.

Here is a very common thought about family, that I used to believe, whole-heartedly 100%!

“My family judges me”…..and they shouldn’t.

“Honey, this is insanity. People should stop judging people? What planet do you think you’re on? Make yourself at home here, it’s the opposite. You come to planet earth, you judge. It’s a nice place to visit once you get the ground rules down…..who would you be without the thought that you want your parents (family) to stop judging? Playing with a full deck.” ~ Byron Katie 

Who would you be without that thought?

Stunned, it’s so different.

Not opposing what is.

There they are, being that way, being who they are and saying what they say, asking those questions, making those statements, sounding judgmental, worried, skeptical, doubtful, critical….

….without the ability to think they shouldn’t be?

Oh how exciting!

Seriously.

My family is so incredible, they have prepared me for the most perfect journey through this lifetime.

“When you find yourself being challenged, you will find yourself becoming more alert – like the light is being turned up. That’s wonderful, because then it means that whatever the challenge may be, its function is to push you into intensified Presence.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even my ancestor’s history, generations back, without the belief that they should be any different than they have been?

Relaxed, unencumbered, unburdened.

“Finally, you realize that you really don’t want to change anybody, not because you shouldn’t want to change them, because you just don’t. You might not want to be around everyone, but still you don’t want to change them.” ~ Adyashanti

Right now, in this moment, I turn the thoughts around: I judge my family, I judge myself….okay. 

That’s the way of it. Judging happens. Opinions happen.

Love happens….unconditionally. Once I dropped my expectations, things became better than I ever imagined possible.

And hanging out with family became a highlight of my life. They rock.

Much love,

Grace

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Create A Safe Place Inside You, Investigating Money

Next week another wonderful group is going to begin to examine beliefs that are upsetting about money.

If you’re really worried about not having enough, for example….it could be very liberating to question.

You also may be opposed to giving money for a class about money, even though you’re aware that “spending” some time taking a deeper look at your relationship and thoughts about money might be REALLY powerful.

(If that’s the case, and you’re really low on income right now, write to me by the way. I don’t refuse people if they want this work, there is room in the class, and they happen to be unemployed or some other difficult circumstance).

Thoughts about money are often that it is limited, there isn’t enough, and you may hurt….later….unless you’re really careful. So it’s hard to let it go.

Trouble is, if it’s hard to let go of, it may be also hard to receive.

Let’s take a look today at one of my favorite investigations on money.

Why do you want more? 

What would more money give you, if you had it?

Even just a wee bit, but perhaps a LOT more, it doesn’t matter. You have your dream, and it involves more money. Maybe for you, you’d like more money that is all clearly yours, your bank account, your own resources, a fund just for YOU and no one else. 

You earned it, you deserve it, your ideas created it.

Now, don’t you go and start feeling guilty. Don’t think you’re a selfish first-world nervous ninny, or that you should feel grateful instead of grabby.

You feel the way you feel. 

There are no rules. We’re entering this work from the point of view of reality. All things possible. Everything capable of change, right in this second. Nothing static. No guarantees. Wild mystery. 

And money, it appears, is a form of exchange here on planet earth. You trade it for other things. You express what you care about with it. You use it for what serves you.

So what would more money give you? Or different money, if you’re clear that simply more isn’t that interesting?

In sitting with this deeply over time, I found the following qualities I believed would be present, with ample money: assurance, support, safety, comfort, insurance against difficult times in the future, fun, adventure, happiness, generosity, excitement, joy.

Yowser, that’s a lot of expectations on money.

Without any money, the opposite qualities come to mind, in this world of duality:hunger, pain, sickness, abandonment, threat, discomfort, worse times in the future, seriousness, boredom, narrow life, unhappiness, not able to be generous, neediness, panic, grief.

Time for inquiry.

Is it true that with money….the good stuff…..without money….the bad stuff? 

No. I’ve seen very wealthy people who are totally worried and anxious and insecure. I’ve seen very poor people who are excited, joyful and open. I’ve been both myself! (What a trip).

How do I react when I believe my thoughts about money?

My body is flooded with stress, anxiety. I begin planning. I work until midnight. I feel competitive with time…like I’m racing against a limited amount. 

Must. Get. There. Before. I. Die. 

I remember being a child, who didn’t have to worry about money or food or loss. It seems so long ago. I think of the world as a hard-ass, complicated, tricky place when it comes to money, work, payments, receipts, calculations, amounts moving from here to there.

I want to give up. Deflated. Worth less. 

Who would I be without these thoughts about wanting more money, needing a certain amount of money, or that money represents safety, security, ease in the future?

Really. This is a huge big incredible leap into another paradigm. A world without negative, busy, anxious thought. A world with room to breath and look around.  

Without the thought that I want more “money” (safety, joy, excitement, adventure, comfort, insurance) or that I don’t have enough?

Instead of nerves, my body is flooded with sweetness. 

Eyes wide open. I see my hands, the edges of the frames of my new purple reading glasses, I feel the chair beneath my thighs, my heart beating. 

Without the idea that more would be better….I would be stunning really. I take the deepest breath and notice it’s enough. Something is very exciting here. This moment. 

“On the surface, this is about finances. But beneath that, this question comes from the feeling that your life can be taken away from you. You think that money protects you from total loss of control and if there isn’t enough of it, unseen forces will overwhelm you. Rather than tackling the money issue, it’s time to create a safe place inside you.” ~ Deepak Chopra

If little piles of colored paper with faces on it, and round metal pieces of various sizes, had nothing to do with my future security, my happiness, a sense of adventure, comfort, care, worthiness or safety….

….I notice the joy of having what I have. Starting with lungs that can breathe. A house, a beautiful office, a driveway, a yard, an entire world full of adventures right in my own neighborhood. I have connection, intimacy, joy and fun.

And within, within, a vast space of silence, vibrating emptiness, thrill, ease, fearlessness, courage, creativity in this colorful moment.

Unlimited.

Without any rules about money or beliefs about money, I can get up and walk and knock on the next door and ask for work. I can ask people questions who have a whole lot of money or who have very little money. I can lie in the sun on the grass and stay there as long as I like. I can find a place to live where there is no need to give money in exchange. I can feel the spectacular energy of artistic creativity pouring out of me in the form of service, writing my book, ideas for inquiry.

I turn the thoughts around. 

I want more of me, here now. I want myself. All my thinking, all my feelings, everything welcome. I want my thoughts…I love my thoughts. My thoughts bring me assurance about myself. 

Maybe money wants more of me, too. Maybe it’s waiting for my next move, with joyous anticipation.

How can I bring myself assurance, with my own thinking, instead of wanting this thing called money to bring assurance to me? 

Wow. I can give myself adventure, support, safety, comfort, generosity, happiness, joy. 

“When you are concerned with making money you want the future more than the present. Whenever you want the future more than you want the present, true intelligence cannot flow into what you do, because it can do so only when you are totally aligned with the present moment. So, instead, what you do is ego, or it comes from ego……Whatever you do in your daily life – driving from here to there, trying to reach someone on the phone, doing this or that – you always are going toward somewhere. That’s inevitable. But the question is: Is that purpose in the future more important to you than what you are doing in the present? If it is, then it is a form of ego. The ego always looks toward the next moment for some kind of fulfillment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

In this moment, I give abundantly to myself by staying here, with this sparkling, peaceful, mysterious present moment.

“We join spokes together in a wheel, but it is the center hole that makes the wagon move. We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want. We hammer wood for a house, but it is the inner space that makes it livable. We work with being, but non-being is what we use.” ~ Tao Te Ching #11 

If you’d like to join a group on the phone or skype, look at an exercise each week to help uncover those fascinating and sometimes exceptionally painful concerns about money, then write to me at grace@workwithgrace.com. We start next Wednesday 4/16 at 5:15 pm Pacific time.

The emptiness inside holds whatever you want. 

When you know this to be true (and you do) then who knows what can happen, right now, with money. 

Much love, Grace

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When Wanting More Or Less Contact Is Stressful

An inquirer wrote me recently and asked me to write about the experience of people being offended when you set a boundary.

Of course, I don’t know the exact situation and what everyone involved is thinking, feeling, assuming, wondering or feeling stress about.

But what a great situation to investigate….because I’ve got a personal example.

Let’s say you email, send letters, send gifts, call someone, make contact every so often….and you do indeed care about them, it’s not like you hate them or anything….

….but they never respond very quickly. Or at all.

Sometimes people have this experience with family members, their kids, their grandchildren, an old neighbor, someone they used to work with.

It’s a kind of dud communication. Uneventful, unsatisfying, or just nada. Nothing there.

Then let’s say….a completely different kind of communication goes on in another type of situation, where you are the RECEIVER of emails, letters, texts, phone calls, requests for coffee, how-are-you messages….

….but YOU don’t really feel moved to write back or return the call. 

I’ve had both. 

You may lean one way more often than the other, depending on your personality or preferences. 

So what’s going on when you feel trouble in either side of these scenarios?

Usually, some basic assumptions are going on….that hurt: They don’t like me, they think I have nothing to offer, he is too demanding and needy, she is too impatient, I need to tell him to stop, I need to tell her I’m giving up and won’t call again, that person is rude, they think I am rude, I need him to call me, I need her to stop calling me, scream!

So whatever your situation, whichever side of the scene you’ve been on, whether you’ve been reaching out to no avail, or someone is over-contacting you and won’t stop…..let’s do The Work.

I need to do something (speak up, set limits….something). 

Is it true? Are you sure?

Feel what is happening in your body. Are you trying to control the situation? Do you feel nervous, or afraid, or sad? Are you thinking that person isn’t safe? Are you feeling hurt?

Do you have to do something?

Well. No. I could pause. 

How do you react when you believe you have to do something about this error in communication? Whether too much or too little, for you to be happy.

Wow, all kinds of reactions. Like…FINE, I’ll stop ever ever making any attempts to contact them. FINE, I’ll delete their phone number from my cell phone. FINE, I’ll write a goodbye letter explaining how I will no longer be their friend. FINE, I’ll make myself forget about her. FINE, I’ll send an email saying Do Not Contact, No Exceptions.

But who would you be without the thought that this is not acceptable, and you needa do something about this whole communication break-down?

“True communication is communion–the realization of oneness, which is love.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

One of my favorite teachers, Anthony de Mello, speaks often of the burden of being a slave to the behavior and attitude of People. When people reject you, or praise you, notice the power they hold. Rejection may mean silence for you, praise may mean they call you back right away. 

Notice how you assess them based on their reactions, efforts, contact, appropriateness. 

Who would you be if it did not matter how others respond, or do not respond? Who would you be if you knew you were one with life, with the present moment, and within that present moment people come and they go?

Without the belief that you MUST do something to stop or start better communication……you may or may not do something, and you may enter another place of being altogether with those others. An unknown place, mysterious, clear, open to change at any moment, resting without change. 

No need for control, or being nice, or pushing, or complying.

I turn the thought around: I do not have to do anything about this communication situation. I have to do something about communicating with ME in this situation.  

There are no rules about who should communicate when, or how, or how frequently, or in which manner. 

I am moved to speak, with peace, or respond in perfect timing, or notice that I can’t actually get to all the emails I have. Nothing personal. 

“Isn’t what you really want is to meet the world, kicked back? Without the thought that you need anyone is to be open to every human being, every cat, dog and tree. And you don’t have to marry anyone just because they’ve flattered you.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice that every moment I can question my mind. I can see what my story is and see if it’s really true. Even in small (or large) communications between me and other humans. 

When I communicate with myself, with love and compassion and trust, when I care for myself so dearly and lovingly and give myself exactly what I need, I notice that I am very kind to others, very open, very interested. 

Or silent. 

If they object to how I respond to them, I might say “tell me more, I want to understand.” 

But only if I really do. 

Much love, Grace

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The Safety of Silence When You’re Creeped Out

I want to stop thinking!!!  

Last night I had the rare experience (for me) of turning off the light to go to sleep, and then listening, waiting, seeing pictures floating in my mind, thinking about the Horrible Food Wonderful Food workshop and the cool new exercises, wondering about the neighbors, my schedule of clients the next day, that email I should have replied to.

It was weird, like a little machine was humming.

I know this is not uncommon, many people even feel concern about not being able to go to sleep fast. Most of my life, I’ve gone to sleep in like one minute, literally.

But last night, it was like I was excited!

I remember being fully awake in the middle of the night during a weekend retreat with Byron Katie on relationships.

Yikes. 3 am.

That time, I wasn’t really what I would call excited. It was more like worried, ruminating, anxious….OK, terrified.

Back then, it felt like hours of tossing and turning, and knowing my good friend was in the other bed and I didn’t want to wake her up by turning on the light. I kept looking at the red digital clock.

Lying there in the dark, feeling, thinking, imagining…..I was not identifying clearly what it was that was bothering me. I kept seeing various life issues of concern, mostly around past important relationships, present themselves.

Time to get up.

Because doing The Work in your head, I found soooo many times, is not really doing The Work. Mind is just too quick to get there, if there’s a hitch.

In the bathroom, sitting on the toilet with the lid closed shut, notebook on my lap and pen in hand, I began to write.

Writing down your thoughts, different things happen with the process of thinking.

You might think you’re working with the same mind. But it slows something down. Like breathing more deeply and slowly. Things can change in unexpected ways.

After scribbling wildly for what felt like another hour, checking the time again, hearing the deep breathing of my sleeping roommate still….

….I picked one thought: He is dangerous, he gives me the creeps. 

I started writing out my answers, even though my mind wanted to speed into this faster than a tornado. Even though the mind was commenting “writing is so slow, this is stupid, you’ll never learn anything, go faster, I’d rather do this work with Katie.”

 

I could also hear the turnarounds. I’d rather do this work with myself, this is going just the right speed, I am learning something right in this midnight moment, slow down.

Back to the thought.

Is it true that he is dangerous and creepy?

Yeah! He leaves cryptic messages. He’s sneaky. He’s unpredictable.

Can I absolutely know it’s true?

 

No. Not at all. I don’t even know him all that well. Weird. Why am I doing The Work on this right now? Don’t you have other better things to do the work on, like your divorce?

Back to the questions (after a five minute interlude staring into the bathroom mirror).

How do I react when I believe someone is creepy or dangerous?

How does it feel?

Like heightened alert mode. Tense. I avoid the area where he might go. I notice this kind of feeling inside with anything that’s “creepy”.

But who would I be without that story?

Lots of people will say that without the story, I’d be unsafe. I need to be worried about creepy people so I don’t get hurt.

But are you sure that if you have no concern, no repetitive anxiety, nervousness, or defensive shield that you won’t know not to go down a very dark alley?

It’s not denial. It’s crystal clear clarity. It’s not playing games, it’s trusting that your radar is guiding you.

Something perhaps OTHER than mind.

I turn the thought around, and this can be done on anything you think of as creepy: he is not dangerous, my mind is dangerous, I am dangerous.

I try that on. It feels lighter.

Well, sort of. You don’t need to berate yourself about it. It’s just noticing that you scare yourself, so who’s the dangerous one?

I notice I’m in a bathroom, all by myself, with bright lights and a pen and paper. I’m extremely “safe” except for my own thinking.

“Ultimately all fear is the ego’s fear of death, of annihilation. To the ego, death is always just around the corner. In this mind-identified state, fear of death affects every aspect of your life.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Could it be just as true that some part of me wanted to keep thinking? Was that part of me afraid to let go of being identified with the mind?

And now suddenly…a freedom of feeling this present moment, right in the bathroom. And how safe I have been before up until now. And how safe it will be in the future, no matter what happens (even if the mind thinks it is not safe).

What if annihilation is wonderful.

It could happen.

“When the mind is free of all of its content, all of its conditioned thinking, it enters into the solitude of silence. That silence can only arise when one sees the limitations of one’s thinking. When one sees that his or her thoughts will not bring truth, peace, or freedom, there arises a natural state of silence and inner clarity. And in that silence there is a profound solitude…” ~ Adyashanti 

Yes, it is happening. Right now.

Right now.

Love, Grace

 

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One Sneaky Belief Successful People Think That Keeps Their Stress High

Breitenbush 4 day retreat is in 3 months—exactly! To find out more and learn how to sign up: CLICK HERE. If you register early, you get a big wonderful variety of housing choices. And an early-bird price!

*****

As I’ve spent more time in the last decade discovering quite astonishing things about this mind that apparently inhabits whoever I am….

….I’ve noticed some really fascinating stressful beliefs about success, clarity and seeking answers about life.

I’ve encountered hundreds of people wanting to end their personal pain, addiction, compulsive urges, unease, or unhappiness.

Often, when people get some traction, stability, when they find solid ground, they aren’t so sad or traumatized anymore. Through personal inquiry, they question deeply and they stop reacting so fast to the world around them as if it’s dangerous or dark….as if it hurt them.

Then after awhile, they might feel more successful. They might start feeling creative, dreaming bigger dreams. Maybe they dare to try something completely different.

Exciting!!

Sometimes people say to me that they feel finding The Work and self-inquiry saved their life.

They realize that their relationship with their spouse, before the work, was going downhill. Fast. Or their connection to one of their children, or a sibling was rough. Sometimes Money was agonizing at one time, and now they’re out of debt completely (like my story) and doing pretty well. Or they were a survivor of a major life trauma, and now they can actually find peace in the midst of all that.

Something shifted…..but then…..some other slightly stressful ideas appear.

Now that I feel so good, renewed, rejuvenated, more clear than ever in my life….I should be doing it differently: faster, better, bigger.

I call it the Success Stress part of the story. You feel stressed because you’re thinking thoughts about the ways you, or your world, could improve.

I should be more successful by now. I should be over it. I want to make a difference. 

These are little persnickety thoughts that create a little frustration. But if you don’t take them to inquiry….they may grow. You may not realize how powerful they can be, and how debilitating.

I should be somewhere other than here, where I am. 

Especially when it comes to my weight, my health, my spiritual awareness, my generosity, my love life, my career….you get the idea.

Let’s take a look, with The Work.

Is it true, that you should be doing better in that department by now? Is it true that you should be somewhere else?

Yes. I know I’m capable of much more. I have a book proposal almost done. I have fantastic workshops that could be taught to many more people. I want to spend more time with my family. I want to go on some adventures.

Can you absolutely, really, really know this is completely true?

Well…it SEEMS like it would be nice. It SEEMS like I’ll feel very psyched, thrilled and proud. But no, I can’t really know.

And there is something about being here, today, that is sooooooo sweet, even as I work on my writing or upcoming retreats, or plans, or buy plane tickets.

How do I react when I think the thought that I should be THERE, not here?

Clamped down, like I’m racing. Competitive with an image of the future. Pushy. Determined. No down time. Little rest.

I say “there’s no time, there’s no time, there’s no time” in about three hundred different ways through my week. Like everything is QUICK, quick, quick!

But who would you be…..you successful, clear person who is so eager to learn and grow….who would you BE without the thought that a little further on is better?

That next week or next month or next year you need to be MORE successful and YOU have to wake up, expand, achieve?!!!

Wow. Kind of crazy, how different that is from the usual way. You mean, it’s not up to me, all by myself?

“Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even though I feel so much more content, so changed, since being able to identify and question what I believe….do I still think that the future might be just a wee more important than today?

And if so, who would I be without that belief?

Who would I be without even knowing what success actually is? Without needing or wanting anything more in this day, today?

I notice that I don’t lie down on the couch, which is one of the greatest fears of so many successful people if they give up their drive, their motivation, their discipline. I don’t quit, I don’t go to bed.

I don’t FEEL like going to bed! I write with joy. I contemplate. I feel so excited, creative, alive. I write and tweak new curriculum. I spend time with my cute husband and children.

I actually feel more energy NOW than I ever used to feel when I had the thoughts that I MUST achieve success.

And I could die today–ha ha! What freedom!

“To cease cherishing illusions is a way of inverting the energy of seeking. The energy of seeking will be there in one form or another until you wake up from the dream state. You can’t just get rid of it……And if you’re like most spiritually oriented people, your spirituality is your most cherished illusion. Imagine that.” ~ Adyashanti

If you notice that you’d like to dissolve stressful beliefs about your own success (or lack of it) then you will LOVE coming to Breitenbush in June. No matter where you are on the trajectory of life, whether you’re wanting to question deep disappointment, or mild angst, come join me and my co-facilitator Susan Beekman.

If you need to rest and sink into deleting your stress, this is an amazing venue, a gorgeous natural environment, and very affordable.

Click here to read more.

I can’t wait to meet you!

Love, Grace

 

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Be Still And Want What You Want

If you’re wanting to join the truly wonderful circle of inquiry that happens in the luscious Breitenbush Hotsprings (for our 4th year) then NOW is the time to call Breitenbush for your reservations.Click here to get all the information and the phone number to register.

Housing choices get filled up very fast for this incredible time of year at Breitenbush (June 25-29, 2014). An amazing place to experience relaxation of body, mind and spirit in pristine forest. 26 CEUs for mental health professionals.

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Many people who contact me for self-inquiry have a common stressful belief. It starts with a very simple idea.

I need a partner.  

Then there are also variations on this theme: I need a better partner than the one I have, I need to be back with the previous partner I had before.  

Even if you are not concerned with looking at ending or beginning a relationship, but instead there is a little rift in your thoughts where longing arises, or upset because of past choices, or a reaching for that one that got away…..

….Is it true, that you need to add this Other to your life? Are you sure that would be an improvement?

Many people answer “no”. They are aware they do not “need” a partner. They realize there are benefits for their life, freedom, independence, autonomy, making a partnership with something other than an individual human, like their art.

But sometimes, people are afraid that if they don’t feel concern for finding a mate, they won’t even try.

Fine, I know I don’t neeeeeed someone. Forget it then.

Is that true, though?

What would it be like noticing that you think you would have a ball with a companion, enjoy yourself, connect intimately, explore someone else’s world along with your own?

What might happen if you talked about your concerns with that imperfect partner you have? What if you got crazy honest, about what you really, really want, without expectations?

How do you react when you think you don’t really need anyone, you shouldn’t really bring that difficult subject up with your spouse, it’s better if you put a lid on your interests instead of getting into all the mucky messy partner-hunting stuff?

Stuck in an in-between place. Wanting then not-wanting. Not really doing anything. Settling for this, the way it is.

But who would you be without the belief that what you want is hard to find, without any expectations for anything whatsoever, without needing a partner at all?

You may be surprised.

When it really doesn’t matter one way or another…who would you be without the thought that you need a partner?

Some people report that they either feel joyfully thrilled in their single-ness OR they become joyfully thrilled about getting to know tons of interesting, new, fabulous people.

“You know that the basic condition of the egoic self is of a very deep-seated sense of lack, of not enough, not complete. One of the main areas where it looks to fulfill that lack is in Relationship, the Other Person, He or She. He or She is The One. It’s painful. There’s a tendency for the mind to weave all kinds of fantasies, all kinds of stories, a very painful self-image of ‘me’. What is called love is the deep-seated need of the ego, that focuses on one form…… 

…..We need to acknowledge that there are personal affinities. But in themselves, they are never ultimately fulfilling. More often than not, they are a source of suffering. Love becomes a source of suffering when the transcendental is missing. How does the transcendent come in? By being spacious with the other. Which essentially means that you access the Stillness in yourself while you look at the other.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the belief that a partner is better than no partner, or that no partner is safer or better than a partner, then companions arrive and it’s fun, companions go and it’s OK, every way is good.

Byron Katie says about her husband “he’s brave enough to be married to the impersonal.”  

Turning the thoughts around: whatever is happening now (partner, no partner) is fabulous.  

Can you find your genuine reasons why?

“Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, succeeding or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we’ll be if we don’t believe we are wrong to be as we are.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico

Love, Grace

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I Wish I Didn’t Want More Money

I want more money.

This belief is not only pervasive, but often, it’s also embarrassing!

It’s like, I want more money but I hate to admit it. I shouldn’t want more money, I hate wanting more money, I’m comfortable without money, I don’t even like the fact that it appears that I need it. Ever. 

If you’ve seen that you don’t NEED more money, you are OK with very small amounts of money, you actually aren’t even interested in buying stuff or upgrading things like your furniture…..

…..it can be tricky to access the inner beliefs about this thing called money and what’s really bothering you.

It’s a little bit like a love/hate relationship, only not that dramatic. Annoying instead. Off. Not exactly loving, kind, trusting and totally relaxed. 

One of my favorite insights came when I began to take Rumi’s advice to heart and in my imagination, gave Money a persona. 

You can do this right now, as you read, if you notice there’s any little discord around money and how you experience it in your mind and heart (and body). 

If Money knocked on your door right now….what would he or she look like? What would the mood of this entity be? How would he or she regard YOU?

Six years ago is when I realized that  if Money knocked on my door, and I opened it….

….what I would see was a homeless addict dressed in rags, holding a cigarette in one hand, eyes flicking around like he’s scared of being followed and doesn’t give a rats ass about whether or not I know him. 

Yikes. 

Fortunately, I invited him within, and looked very deeply and carefully about why he looked like that, and what I imagined was terrible or dangerous about having Money come inside for tea. 

….The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in….Jalaluddin Rumi, from The Guest House

But your image of Money may be less severe. It can change, as circumstances change.

If you can picture your relationship with Money (I do this exercise with people around their relationship with Food as well) what would it appear to look like?

Now ask yourself if you want more of this Money in your life? 

Why or why not? What would it give you that feels positive? What would it give you that’s not so positive?

Is this Money a guest you would rather not entertain?

Is it true that you want MORE money?

No. Not if it means needing it, having to pay attention to it, having to ask people for it, charging for services, trading it for food and shelter. 

Squirm squirm. Can we talk about something else?

How do you react when you believe this thought that Money is a troubling thing, and you’d rather not get involved?

Sad. Frustrated. Uncertain. 

Admonishing myself for not figuring it out sooner. Chiding those Other People With Money for being greedy, selfish, lucky, focused, realistic, immature, materialistic, non-spiritual. 

With the thought and the uncomfortable feelings that follow, I’m stuck.

So, who would you be without the belief that it’s tough to want money, or that you wish you didn’t need it, or that there’s something wrong with you? Without the belief in clutching, resistance, feeling “against” the whole situation?

“So if you have no money, you can apply your mind and say, ‘What action can I take?’ And then become still. Don’t apply your mind without the stillness because, if you start applying your mind without the stillness, you might very soon lose yourself in the mind and that turns into worry. Worry means the mind is controlling you. Worry is always pointless. A solution never comes out of worry.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the belief that Money is an uncomfortable guest, a problematic person, you may find a spark of joy and excitement about attraction to it. 

Or, if that’s going a bit far a bit too fast, like getting married after three dates….you may feel compassion for your humanness, for wanting more of this thing called Money….

….for having a body that apparently needs a roof, clothing, food.

….for having a mind that enjoys books, adventures, education.

I turn the thoughts around: I want more money, and it’s OK, it’s natural, it’s part of my spiritual life.

Perhaps I want more “thinking” clearly about money. I want more knowledge, maturity, peace, trust, security about myself.

Could it be that I want more connection to others, more exchange with others, contact, vulnerability, beauty, sharing….and perhaps this need/want for Money has to do with making peace about all this?

If you’re wanting to begin an interesting journey around how you truly feel about Money in your life, no matter how much you have (or don’t have) and you’d like to join a group to do it….

….next week on Wednesday 5:15-6:45 pm PT we begin the 8 week journey into examining the thinking with a live teleclass, limited to 10 people, using The Work to question the beliefs that aren’t so peaceful when it comes to Money.

Click here to register: Investigating Money. Or write grace@workwithgrace.com with questions. 

Much love, Grace

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Who Would You Be Without Your (Injured, Painful, Fat, Diseased) Body?

Money! We’ll be looking carefully at what it means…and our apparent “problems” or concerns with money: earning it, getting it, keeping it.

8 week teleclass: Wednesdays, March 19 – May 7. 5:15 pm Pacific Time/8:15 pm Eastern time. Waking hours in Australia, Japan, Indonesia. Write if you’re interested grace@workwithgrace.com.

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Physical ailments, a state of physicality that feels less than perfect, whether a head cold or a torn hamstring….or cancer….often carry with them a stressful response. 

The disease seems to arrive, the condition. I now have this condition, it’s inside me, THIS body, mine, the one I inhabit.

I’m the one with “x” happening. 

And then, with that ownership, faster than the speed of light, the mind grabs it and says (when it feels stressful) what it means, that I have this condition.

  • I can’t go to that party, I’ll miss out
  • I’m dying
  • I’ll miss everyone
  • I detest this feeling of pain
  • this is all temporary
  • I’ll never run, play, jump, flip, bike, move, dance again

So sad. So infuriating! Who set this entire world up like this, anyway?! Such suffering!

My mind almost always has a comment about whose fault it is (mine). Then there are the other people whose fault it is (parents, history, pesticides). 

Nothing wrong with looking at patterns, gathering information, making huge changes to see how it affects the current status.

But that underlying sense, that dark cave below, that voice that is disappointed….or terrified….can feel dreadful.

Can’t I just think about something else? 

With inquiry, I love turning to face it and take a good look.

Oh, by the way, remember my leg? (All eyes on me!) Well, I almost forgot about it, and returned to my old dance recently, like I used to before I tore my hamstring last fall. The joy I felt on the dance floor was so sweet, I was ecstatic.

And then a few hours later, hmmm. Some dull aching pain radiating from my injury site.

And then the next day, my back and hamstring hurt so much I couldn’t get out of bed. 

Is it true, that I am condemned to reduced movement, decline, pain, aging, discomfort? Am I missing out?

Yes, yes, oh yes. Cry. Fist shaking at the sky. 

Am I sure that it would be better to be my definition of health, right now? What am I looking for anyway, eternal life? Never feeling any pain, ever, ever?

This is an amazing question, to even open to the idea that it might not be as bad as I think. Or I might not want what I *think* I want.

“We try to accept what is, and I’ve come to see that this is just a beginning. To love what is, is how you know that you’re right with yourself. It’s a state of gratitude that you’re living out of that is entirely stimulating, and motivating, and it always replenishes….When we’re of right mind, there is no loss.” ~ Byron Katie 

How do I react when I believe I’m missing something, losing something?

Angry, calculating, sad, upset, snappish at people, unhappy, grabby, panicked, fast.

Gratitude? Uh, that would be NOT. 

(And don’t get upset with yourself for not being grateful, you’re not supposed to jump to grateful, unless you do…it’s not “better”. Is it true that you should be grateful, when you aren’t?)

Who would I be without the thought that my physical state is wrong, a mistake, bad, off, incomplete, imperfect?

Without the thought that having this body means I have to feel pain, I have to miss out, I’m losing something?

“When you finally awake, you don’t try to make good things happen; they just happen. You understand suddenly that everything that happens to you is good. Think of some people you’re living with whom you want to change. You find them moody, inconsiderate, unreliable, treacherous, or whatever. But when you are different, they’ll be different. That’s an infallible and miraculous cure. The day you are different, they will become different. And you will see them differently, too….All of a sudden, no one has the power to hurt you anymore.” Anthony De Mello

If I looked at this physical state, this sickness, ugliness, injury, pain, as one of those people that I’ve been judging…who would I be without these thoughts? 

Even just a tiny smidgeon of an idea? Not inconsiderate? Not treacherous? Not dangerous?

Turning the stressful thoughts around:

  • I can’t go to that party, but I won’t miss out (it’s a party right here, with myself)
  • I’m living right now
  • I’ll won’t miss everyone, I’ll be connected to everything
  • I accept this feeling of pain, not against it, could I love it even?
  • this is all temporary…halleluia (instead of oh sad)
  • I’ll always run, play, jump, flip, bike, move, dance again…I could have what these things bring, like ecstasy, always
“It’s your last chance in this incarnation, as your body begins to fade – or you are becoming aware of this limited lifespan. It’s your last chance to go beyond identification with form. This is true whether it’s to do with your body, or somebody else’s body.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

 

Who would you be, without your body?

Much love, Grace