Tag: compulsive eating

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The Secret Surprise In Giving Up Security With Money (or Food)

I am thrilled to say that a completely updated, exciting and light-bulb blasting 8 week money telecourse is fresh off the press. Over time with teaching the class so often, we’ve zoned in on some powerful ways to dig into the beliefs under the surface when it comes to money….

…the underlying ones you can’t always get to unless you take a little time out to look. 

Money, and all it means, can bring massive tension. It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, or somewhere in between. 

The beliefs sit below as a foundation. Sometimes festering. Bringing about anxiety, suspicion, insecurity, concern, judgment about other people, worry about the future, wanting to avoid things from the past ever repeating again. 

We’ll start soon, on Wednesdays. Most likely on April 16th at 5:15 pm Pacific Time. Hit reply if you’re interested and I’ll be sure to include you on updates. 

Speaking of Underlying Beliefs (my favorite!)….

….this weekend a few inquirers will be doing some excavating in the realm of food and eating. (If you’re interested, we’re swimming in this topic on Saturday in person at Goldilocks Cottage in Seattle, my home). 

Horrible Food, Wonderful Food. Too Much, Not Enough.

I used to call the workshop about food and eating, and my telecourse that covers the same material, “too much, not enough” because it seemed like I could never hit the “just right” mark. 

Like there was this point, somewhere in the universe, where all would be well, comfortable, guilt-free, happy, and totally and completely contented when in came to feeding myself….

….but that point was never reached. 

It was like being on a merry-go-round that was a mile wide, trying to reach the golden brass ring when the ponies came round to one side. 

I would reach, reach, wait, get ready to grab that brass ring…but fail. 

And then, because the merry-go-round was soooo big and enormous, it would take days to get back again to that one place where the circle meets brass ring and the dangling prize could be grabbed at. 

But never actually owned, never done, never there. 

Ack, what trouble. 

That impossible psychizophrenic flip-flop around food was torturous. Highs and then lows. In control, out of control. Losing weight, gaining weight. Bingeing, starving. Gorging, refusing everything. 

I just wanted some peace!

(Funny how food and money have some similarities….ahem. Wanting more, feeling undeserving, anorexic in our thinking, fat in our beliefs, desperate, starving, insecure…)

So I would muster up my plan and gather resources, like I was fighting a battle (I believed I was) and then other more important reasons to drop my plan would arise. And instead of looking at the power of those new beliefs….I would attack myself. 

You can stop that cycle. 

But it takes some Work.

“We go to the refrigerator even though we’ve just eaten, or we pick up the cigarette we said we’d never smoke again and on and on. It’s alcoholism. It’s a drug addiction, mind addiction. When I found this work, or it found me on the floor, that day later I picked up a cigarette to smoke it…and it looked insane, and I began to laugh and I couldn’t do it. What happened was, I was seeing. What happened was, I did The Work and smoking quit me.” ~ Byron Katie

Instead of trying so wildly hard to get it, find it, see it, believe differently, change…what if you gave up? What if you stopped altogether, and you metaphorically sat down, or lay down on the floor, and waited?

What if you identified exactly what you really were thinking, even if it’s embarrassing, immature, stupid or weird, and you allowed it to be there, wrote it down, and then questioned it. 

You don’t have to drop any thoughts. You don’t have to give up your beliefs, if you don’t want to. 

In fact, you probably can’t, even if you DID want to.

As the 12 steps go….step number one: I am powerless over my *thinking* and my life has become unmanageable. 

It’s true! Have you ever tried to control your thinking?! 

Just becoming aware that trouble with food or money has to do with troubled thinking will take you down a more efficient road. You don’t need that treatment plan, that diet, that budget. 

But you do need to see how attached you are to your thoughts, and be patient enough to slow down and look.

You don’t have to take my teleclass on Money or Eating Peace to start. You can do this right now, today. 

Write down all the painful things about life, the people in your world, what having too much or not having enough money or food mean for you….

….you’ll be on the road to freedom. 

“Even those who have had deep spiritual experiences and awakenings beyond the mind will in most cases continue to cling to superstitious ideas and beliefs in an unconscious effort to grasp for the security of the known, the accepted, or the expected. It is this grasping for security in all its inward and outward forms which limits the perspective of enlightenment and maintains an inwardly divided condition which is the cause of all suffering and confusion.” ~ Adyashanti

Uh, yeah. What he said about inwardly divided! 

I know that feeling! Stuck, twisted, groping, afraid.

Stop now, and stop trying to believe what you really don’t believe (yet) and stop trying to STOP believing what you really DO believe. It’s kinda bossy to yourself. 

Plus it keeps that division thing going….endlessly and forever. 

You can be whole again. Start right now.

Begin by writing down what you actually think, even if you’re not positive it’s even true, that hurts or feels frightening. Don’t try to find security in any of it. 

Then, you’ve got thoughts right in front of you for inquiry. You know what to do from there. 

The Work.

Much love, Grace

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Don’t Change Your Addiction, Investigate It

Addictive behavior is one of the most troubling for people who go through it.

Overeating (my personal biggie many years ago), drinking alcohol, drugs, porn, relationship obsessing, emails, sex, internet surfing, smoking. 

If you’ve ever had even one fogged-out trance-like escapist episode, you might come up for air later and often wonder what happened….and how you can make sure it never happens again. 

Only it does.

People write to me all the time asking about how to do The Work on the cycle of addiction. 

It doesn’t actually matter what your deal is, whether eating, ingesting something, doing something mindless and apparently time-wasting…..the main thing is that you notice a lack of presence. 

And often, a sense that you are experiencing something not exactly helpful for your life. Or downright harmful and death-oriented. 

What Byron Katie and many thought teachers often say is, just keep doing The Work, keep looking at your thought patterns and what you believe about everything that bugs you, everything that brings up stress….and you’ll notice that the urge to use will lessen, and then vanish.

But what if it’s not exactly vanishing? Or what if you’re so exhausted by the addictive behavior that the main stress you see is your horrible relationship with that substance?

Just start there.

I hate this cycle. I hate overeating. Why? Because it does nothing for me, it’s bizarre, I keep doing it with the same results. I can’t control myself. 

Recently I was working with a wonderful inquirer who has suffered terribly with binge-eating. She has, however, been studying herself in a lighter way in the past couple of years.

Before, when she overate, she detested herself, thought of herself as totally and completely self-defeating. But now, she was open to understanding better the spell that would come over her called a “binge”. 

And she had recently discovered something. Just like I did long ago.

BEFORE the feeling of urgency to eat entered, there was an uncomfortable feeling that had nothing to do with food. And guess what came along with (almost simultaneously) before that uncomfortable feeling? 

A troubling thought. 

Believing something scary, alarming, worrisome, nerve-wracking or terrifying. And believing that was actually true. And not knowing what to do with all the fear.  

Bam. Eat. Smoke. Drink. Text that person you’ve been obsessed with. Hunt for workshops to sign up for online. Buy another spiritual non-duality book.

But it’s really OK if you don’t even know what the thought was before you felt like doing your addictive thing. 

Like I said, you start with what is prominent, what is screaming in your head. That will be a stepping stone to the next thing.

You can trust the process.

I hate this addictive cycle.

Is that true?

Duh. Of course it’s true.

Are you sure? Are you completely positive? What do you mean by “hate”?

No. I am not completely sure that it’s true that I hate it. 

How do you react when you believe you hate the cycle of addiction and everything about it?

I attack it. I hate food. I hate myself. I hate society. I blame everyone. I wish I were dead. I feel discouraged. I hate being alive. 

Your reaction may not be so dramatic. The way you react may be that you make a plan. You sign a contract. You vow. You go through a treatment program. You promise. You control yourself. 

But who would you be without the thought that you HATE this addictive cycle? 

If you really stay and sit with this idea for awhile, even for five minutes, you may notice that something inside of you relaxes. The energy of “hate” which is like an intense feeling of fear surging outward (or however you might describe it) doesn’t have so much vigor behind it.

What if you LOVE the addictive cycle?

Ha ha, kind of funny right? But what if there is something, up to now, that has been useful about the whole thing (apparently)? Even though it has hurt and been so uncomfortable….perhaps it has given you something you thought you needed.

What if you’re not wrong, to have experienced your addiction?

What has been good about it?

Maybe there is another way to find relief, freedom, letting go, power, kindness, soothing, clarity, or love. That has no side effects. 

You can find the way. You will, in just the right time, the right moment. 

“Who would want their mind to be quiet if they understood it, if they really understood it? If they could meet all their thoughts with unconditional love, which is what these questions bring, then who would want the mind to shut up? Who would want to escape or change it? We haven’t been able to quiet the mind. And we haven’t been able to meditate it down or medicate it down, not for long. It looks like we have control over it until we get the parking ticket. So instead of fighting our thoughts, through these four questions we welcome them as friends.” ~ Byron Katie

I would never, ever, ever be where I am now, with this calm that accompanies me almost all the time around food, without the severity of the food addiction and cravings and urges. 

I LOVE that I had that cycle of addiction. It served me beyond anything else possible to study this mind and wake up, wake up, wake up, over and over again.

“Our work is not to change what you do, but to witness what you do with enough awareness, enough curiosity, enough tenderness that the lies and old decisions upon which the compulsion is based become apparent and fall away. When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you feel exhausted or overwhelmed or lonely, you will stop.” ~ Geneen Roth

Much love, Grace

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Without Comparison God and You Are One

That person is soooo cool, she has it together, he is successful, she is so fit, he is such a dynamo at business, they are so lucky, he is so enlightened, she is so good at helping tons of people…

…have you ever had Comparison Worry?

I love taking a dive to investigate stressful beliefs about these kinds of thoughts where you feel some inner glitch because a human out there has something you feel drawn to yourself.

You want it, too.

You do not have it.

Now, before you chop yourself off from this inquiry by saying“there is nothing I really want, I am fine here with me, there’s no one else’s life I want”…

…stay with me if you have a tiny dream that feels unrealized.

Like “waking up”, being confident, feel abundant, doing good for others (like Mother Teresa), being kind, feeling peaceful at all times, making a difference.

Now think of someone who DOES occupy that role, that space, who has it.

They know something or have something that you do not have—is that true?

Yes! I saw him give a speech. He said he made $122K in one month AND he’s helping tons of people change their own lives and contributing to a more joyful world. He’s so confident!

Yes! She offers personal awareness programs and has waiting lists for participants and helps people recover from terrible addictive behavior. She’s so loving!

Yes! He gave people hope, he was so awake people still talk about him after hundreds of years. He was so radical and kind!

Are you sure it’s true, that when you look over there at that amazing person, that enlightened teacher, that they have some quality, or insight, or idea that YOU don’t have, that you’re missing?  

Really answer this question, with honesty. You might be surprised. The answer might be No.

Even if you’re a regular self-doubter.

How do you react when you think the thought that what is going on over there, in that person’s life, is not possible for you? Or if it is possible, it’s not here yet, dang it!

I chase! I’m on the move. I’m rabidly reading books. I buy information, I check out 800 items from the library when I could only read one at a time.

I analyze, I work very hard, I concentrate.

I had a client recently who had this same kind of thought. I want that lifestyle, over there, he thought. I want to be like so-and-so, the one I admire. I want a girlfriend and a great career.

The way he reacted is, he felt depressed, hopeless, defeated. Like it was impossible. Too late. Too hard. Too many rejections so far.

How do you feel physically, with that thought that you are not there yet?

Tired. Tight throat. Sinking chest.

And now….who would you be without that belief? Without the thought that you don’t have what it really takes, or you have a long way to go before you get there, or even, there might be something wrong with you?

Right in this moment, what would you be without that idea?

“Many people find their spirituality taking them outward. They think they are going inward because they have heard the spiritual teaching, ‘Inquire and look within.’ Meanwhile, they are out in the stars somewhere looking for someone else’s experience, looking for the right experience, or looking for the experience they believe they are supposed to have. This is spirituality going entirely in the wrong direction. Inquiry is a means of taking you back to yourself, back to your experience.” ~ Adyashanti 

As I watch the amazing cool young man on youtube who I love that has built a really innovative business (in my opinion) and as I watch all the beautiful teachers of human inquiry and enlightenment and healing….

….without the belief that I am missing something, or that they have something I don’t, or that I’ll never get there….

….I notice I’m delighted beyond words. The variety of success, joy, abundance, wisdom is infinite in this environment.

This place, here, in this particular human life is just right for now. It’s like a garden blooming full of flowers of the most amazing varieties. Today, it turns out, this is what is called for, that is what is moved to, this is how it moves.

It’s not personal.

“Reality is something I can trust. It rules. It is what is, and once it is, there’s nothing I can do to change it for the moment. Nothing. I love that. It’s all so beautiful…..There’s a perfect order running. I’m a lover of what is. Who would I be without my story? Without my story, in this very moment, is where God and I are one.” ~ Byron Katie

Without my story that I don’t have that, or there is something different about that other person’s life (more successful, easier, bigger….or for that matter less successful, harder, smaller) then this moment is quite brilliant.

It’s one gigantic I-Don’t-Know.

I am here, with myself, and find whatever this is (this person who is apparently me) is temporary, unfinished, filled with life energy, watching, taking things in, communing with these other visions of people.

I turn the thought around: I am not missing anything, nothing at all. I have all that is needed, here now. I could die this moment and know it’s been enough, is enough. I am the most incredible person, I LOVE myself, what an interesting human! 

Could that be as true?

How does it feel, despite all the heartache, setbacks, mistakes, loss, failure….to know that you didn’t miss anything, you have all that is needed, that you ARE the qualities you admire, and it’s fine if they don’t look like that person over there.

They look like you, over here.

Even if you DO have doubt about yourself or your abilities, what would it be like to feel that turnaround right now, in the second you’re reading these words: there is something right with me, this is good enough, I love, I enlighten, I serve, I am abundance, I make a difference, I am radical and kind, I am awareness. 

“We are that awareness, whether we’ve noticed it or not.” ~ Rupert Spira

Appreciating This Process

“I wanted to share with you that as a result of doing My Work relevant to ‘Eating Peace’ I am having one of the most peaceful, easy and gentle in my mind evenings home-alone nights in a long time.  I don’t eat much during the day, but evenings are my tough times. Lots of surprising underlying thoughts to Work with have come up, and I feel deep appreciation for this progress. Thanks so much for holding the space for this!” ~ K

Much love, Grace

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Do I Want Security or Freedom?

The other day I was remembering how I used to be when I felt upset. I might feel afraid, or angry, hurt, or sad.

Back then, I wouldn’t have any way of considering that I might be filling my entire body, my psyche, my mind, my spirit with frightening images, terrified beliefs, disturbing thoughts.

I might feel terrible because I perceived danger, or something bad had happened. I’d get overwhelmed very fast.

Like those flashes on a screen that cause subliminal desire for popcorn. The mind took in a photo so fast, but your full consciousness didn’t register. You didn’t “know” you were just shown a photo of popcorn.

That’s how my relationship with food felt….like some weird subconscious, uncontrollable cravings or trance-like states would come over me.

It would seem like I just started eating.

When I entered therapy to find help in understanding my behavior, desperate to heal it, I discovered that most of my life I was not sure how I was going to feel from one moment to the next.

And I hated this!

I wanted to feel GOOD, and safe, and loved, and comfortable…all the time.

If I felt unloved, threatened, and uncomfortable….danger.

To change the feelings, eating was my number one go-to activity. If I was angry, I would eat with anger, shoving in food and hardly tasting it. If I was sad, I would eat very comforting foods, more slowly, but eating until stuffed. If I was terrified I would eat quickly, gulping it down, hiding behind a closed curtain in my apartment.

Drinking often worked, too, although I would drink alcohol with other people, not so much alone, and it seemed to make me less nervous around humans.

Smoking had a way of changing the channel as well. Kind of a slow, deep breath, stepping outside somewhere, a way to pause, wait, stop.

But eating. Wow. That was rough! (No kidding, a decade of bingeing, vomiting and hating myself…definitely rough).

An awesome therapist I had suggested keeping a binge journal. Writing down my feelings when I ate cray-cray.

At first, I hated the idea and wouldn’t even do it. Then, I tried reluctantly. I would think “I hate that this is on paper, so embarrassing, so awful.”

But then, as I read my own writing….I discovered that when I overate or had a huge craving to binge, or started graze eating or dreaming of food when I wasn’t hungry….

….I was always afraid, angry, sad, lonely and thinking in pretty extreme ways.

When I got more involved in studying addiction, in graduate school, and by getting close to people in 12 step programs of every kind, I felt a kinship.

I started to realize that I had a very deep and abiding fear of darkness. A dark, gripping, haunting dread of…emptiness, death, destruction, aloneness.

I thought I was alone.

But it turned out, other people felt the same way.

“How do I react when I think the thought? I see the images…and then I experience the emotions….and if I’m an addict, I’ll use. I mean, afterall, life isn’t worth living anyway. I’m so depressed and no one can help me–THIS helps though. So I grab my drug of choice, my drink of choice, my partner of choice, my gaming….We all know how we react when we’re depressed….Anything to change the emotions.” ~ Byron Katie

What was one of the most stressful, painful thoughts that had to be in place to even want to binge eat?

“The world is a dangerous place.” 

Killer thought.

It puts you on alert, makes you sad, makes you feel lonely (because Other People are a part of the dangerous world), makes you build your defenses, and work hard at being careful.

So let’s take a look, with The Work.

Is it true that the world is a dangerous place?

Well, duh. The only way out is death. Everyone dies. Everything is temporary. Love is temporary, connection is unstable, people leave, people attack, there’s not enough for everyone, people suffer here!

OK, before you see every image in your mind of death, war, bombs, starvation, disease and terror…..

….see if it’s absolutely true that the world is a dangerous place?

You might still say yes. Accidents can happen here. Right? Although, lots of fun, miraculous, spectacular stuff goes on as well. Life, love, change, evolution, invention, joy.

But. Well. I’m still not sure. I see lots of dangerous stuff in my head.

How do you react when you believe the thought that the world is a dangerous place?

Very careful, cautious, quiet….sometimes grabbing moments of giddiness and connection with other special people (lovers, family, friends), acting like there’s no tomorrow so do whatever today I want, pretending I don’t care.

Who would you be without that belief?

This could take a moment.

Without the thought that the world is a dangerous place? Like all that bad stuff isn’t…dangerous?

Hmmm.

“The Unknown is more vast, more open, more peaceful, and more freeing than you ever imagined it would be. If you don’t experience it that way, it means you’re not resting there; you’re still trying to know. That will cause you to suffer because you’re choosing security over Freedom. When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast.” ~ Adyashanti 

I turn the thought around: the world is a safe place. It is my mind that is a dangerous place.

Well, now, that explains why I am having a horrible time in my apartment, eating, when the person next door is having a wonderful time in theirs.

And this turnaround does not mean I am a terrible person, I’ve just given my mind a terrible project—believe the world is a dangerous place and react when I see the proof that this is true.

I spend time considering that the world is a safe place, is not a dangerous place. I see that the world is indeed a wonderful, safe, amazing place. I’m only here for a short time. How would I know that this isn’t ingenious?

What if that darkness is my friend? Even if I’m not so sure yet…just the very possibility that it is my friend feels…exciting. Thrilling. Joyful.

With the thought that darkness is safe…or at least not dangerous…what do you notice about your urge to eat?

“Some of you, your mind is not open, and don’t expect it to be. There will be windows when you’re willing, just be gentle…..It can only be what I’m thinking and believing that causes depression, not me. Not me.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love, Grace

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Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend Coming 4/4

I wanted to let you all know that I’ll be offering my non-residential weekend Horrible Food Wonderful Food, limited to 14, Friday night April 4 – April 6th….in only a month.

The weekend is an ever-expanded in-depth look at the stressful beliefs that I found to be in place that created overeating, binge-eating, obsession with healthy eating, or diet mentality.

I share with you what I found that freed me from that cycle, and you identify what you’re thinking that causes you to stay stuck in yours.

Then, we’ll take these stressful beliefs to inquiry, using The Work of Byron Katie.

This weekend will offer a great tool for your tool box in your journey of healing compulsive or emotional eating…or just thinking too much about weight, or food.

Sign up by writing to me at grace@workwithgrace.com or clicking this button here: undefined

“Our work is not to change what you do, but to witness what you do with enough awareness, enough curiosity, enough tenderness that the lies and old decisions upon which the compulsion is based become apparent and fall away. When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you feel exhausted or overwhelmed or lonely, you will stop. When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart. When the shape of your body no longer matches the shape of your beliefs, the weight disappears.” ~ Geneen Roth 

Could it possibly be true that witnessing, looking at what you’re thinking, and questioning it, is enough?

Yes. It has been for me.

Join me for the weekend next month.

Much love, Grace

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Alone And Aggravated

Feeling connected with life, the planet, other humans, our surroundings….isn’t always easy, or automatic, or clear.

Even if we know we’re connected to others in the big scheme of things, like we get it cognitively with our thoughts, the deep feeling sense of being alone can still be alive.

And sometimes, it isn’t fun.

I used to feel like it was floating in outer space with no planet, human, or warmth in sight.

Yesterday the Eating Peace group met for the second time.

Everyone had the invitation to consider their “worst” moments or times of day with food. A repetitive experience.

So many people I’ve worked with over the years have a restless, unpleasant, empty, lonely feeling when they are toward the end of their day.

Perhaps it’s already evening, or night time. Open time. Choice. A desire for entertainment. No need for work. Space. Silence. Home.

During the day, there’s morning, work, to-do lists, errands. Sometimes a reason to keep it together. A job. Other People.

But oh…….the evening.

Many people drawn to drink alcohol do it at this hour as well.

So what’s going on?

For me, I often finally felt like I could relax, stop doing the “right” thing all day, stop working so dang hard.

Sometimes, the empty space of evening allowed my deeper fears or longings to stir….and I didn’t really want to spend time with those fears or look at them head on.

In any case, the space of silence and being alone can bring out some of our strongest beliefs about the universe.

Seriously. It’s that big, and that telling.

There I am, by myself in my safe, warm home. No one to ask me questions, look at me, see me, criticize me, attack me, compete against me, blame me, or need me.

What’s going on for you? How do you talk to yourself?

Some inquirers in Eating Peace said they had the “right” things to do and the “wrong” things to do in that empty space.

I can relate.

My own mind would start in, when I had several free hours and a night alone.

I should do laundry, wash the blankets, clean the kitchen, vacuum, empty the garbage, work on a creative project, write, work out at the gym, write her a thank you letter, read, clean out my closet, research.

I should do something productive.

It was almost like my own mind wouldn’t let me alone to Do Nothing.

Where was the freedom?!

In food.

It was the only way I could be chaotic, non-logical, wild, a rebel, and stop the dictator mind that wouldn’t let me relax, do what I wanted, have pleasure, enjoy myself.

Here’s the belief that would enter, and seem really, really true:

Eating will be nice, comforting, fun, sneaky, an alternative to more work, satisfying. It will help me turn off the mind that never stops and get something for me, for once. 

Let’s take this to inquiry.

Is it true that eating something, in that moment of empty space, with mental chatter that isn’t exactly supportive, will distract me and allow me to get something for me?

Yes. I’m rebelling and crushing that mental chatter. It’s so demanding!

With food, I defy that voice (or maybe for you its alcohol, or some other compulsive process).

But can I absolutely know that it’s true that at that moment, food helps?

Yes! That’s why I keep eating! It actually helps!

What a stupid question!

But here’s the interesting inquiry: can you absolutely know that eating will really, really help in the end?

Um, that would definitely be a NO. A big fat no. Because I’m filled with suffering around food when I realize it actually “works” to a certain extent to give me some relief….but it doesn’t help the silence, the emptiness, the lonesomeness, the cravings, or the frustration Go Away.

Ever.

I override the harsh voice temporarily, I get some power back (I’ll eat what I DAMN WELL PLEASE you &*^%#@!)

But. Bummer. The trance always ends.

And it can’t have really helped, because I am suffering.

When I believe that food, or whatever, changes the channel and gives me some relief from the toil of it all, how do  I react?

I get into the whatever. I eat.

Who would I be without the thought that I have no power?

Who would I be without the thought that empty space, quiet stillness, or open time should be filled?

Who would I be without the thought that I am not capable of finding my own answers, or dealing with the evenings in my life?

Without the thought that eating something will help?

I would feel hope. I would feel curious. Patience. Wondering. Willing to be honest.

I also might cry my eyes out. I might realize how pissed off I feel sometimes.

 

But I’d be willing to stop taking so seriously that chatterbox that won’t shut up about what a loser I am.

“I can give you the simples of all possible rules of thumb: Any time a voice is talking to you that is not talking with love and compassion, don’t believe it! No exceptions!” ~ Cheri Huber

I turn the thoughts around:

Eating something will not help me. Eating something in this haunted alone evening time will hinder me.

Doing anything addictive and distracting will not help me.

“Meditation….is seeing our emotions and thoughts just as they are right now, in this very moment, in this very room, on this very seat. It’s about not trying to make them go away, not trying to become better than we are, but just seeing clearly with precision and gentleness.” ~ Pema Chodron

Could it be this simple?

Yes.

Love, Grace

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Distorted Thinking Distorted Body

From the time I was 8 years old, I had the notion…and then the more strongly formed idea…and then the certainty that Being Fat was HORRIBLE.

People who were fat were criticized, berated and loathed by other members of society. Kids and adults.

Including my grandparents AND my mother and father.

Those powerful and important people in my life all said really negative, disparaging things about fat people….or about themselves and their own weight.  

You may have heard talk about greedy people, mean people who curse, alcoholic people, people who steal.

But for some reason, my mind locked in on how terrible it was to be fat.

At first it was not noticeable, I didn’t hear it because I had no reference for it. It was like a group of professors (my dad’s colleagues) in my parents’ living room talking about historical documents, student essays and various leaders in 17th century France.

I might have heard sounds coming from out of their mouths, and it was sort of fascinating, but not alarming.

I noticed OTHER things like the shape of one of the men’s glasses, the color of all their shirts, Mozart coming out of the huge black speakers, one of my sisters hands beckoning me outside.

But when it came to food, eating, bodies….at that young age of 8 I was alarmed. All the food in our house changed because my mom went to something called Weight Watchers.

Watching her weight.

You mean…this is an uncertain, dangerous sort of situation that one needs to guard against?

My influential and powerful mom needed to DO something about weight?

I realize…she thought of herself as weighing too much.

The dreaded fat person.

As I return to that image, that memory of that time….thinking about the horrors of being fat and taking that so seriously…

…my mind enters The Work now, as if my 8 year old self can inquire and see what’s really true.

Being fat is horrible.

Is that true?

My mother’s weight matters, she is unhappy, she is suffering, there’s a major problem here….People can be too fat. 

…is that really true?

How do I react when I believe that thought?

Scared. Anxious. Terrified of fat, fattening, fatter, fatness. Hyper critical of fat, fat people, fat conditions, the appearance of fat.

I make effort, I focus on, I strive to prevent fat from happening!

I react towards food like it’s frightening. It causes fatness. It can trick you. It can make you wrong.

But, who would I be without the thought that being fat was horrible?

It’s one of those vivid, mind-boggling moments…hard at first to imagine. Like the mind is shorting-out. Hear the electric tweaks and jerks like a bug is hitting an electric fence?

Zap Zap.

Even for people who have never, ever been worried about gaining weight, personally being fat, or spent much time judging fatness….

….who would any of us be without the belief that the appearance of the body is horrible, and it MATTERS what you look like?

Dang. That’s so spacious. And strange.

And marvelous.

Suddenly, without the thought, there is no concern for fat, thin, age, youth, categorizing, assessing, or putting meaning on anything “seen” in the body….

….there is awareness of so much more that is present, so much more than this body or that body, what is going in or out of the mouth and the stomach.

Without the thought that appearance matters, I clap my hands with joy.

Freedom! So much more here! All temporary and pulsing with life and movement!

“There are two ways to weigh what you do. One is happy and healthy, the other is miserable and depressed…..The cause of suffering is not the body, it is your thinking.” ~ Byron Katie

Look at this body you apparently inhabit in the mirror and see who you’d be without the thought that it should be different.

You may not have to DO anything. That includes reaming yourself for being too “x” (fat, lazy, thin, tired, etc).

How exciting….how restful….what a relief.

“Reality is life without your distorting stories, ideas, and beliefs. It is perfect unity free of all reference points, with nowhere to stand and nothing to grab hold of. It has never been spoken, never been written, never been imagined. It is not hidden, but in plain view. Cease to cherish opinions and it stands before your very eyes.” ~ Adyashanti 

With much love, Grace

P.S. Eating Peace begins January 15th! We’re going to take a dive into Feelings, Beliefs, Situations where Cravings begin. We’re going to examine despair. We’re going to question the pain!
If you have already taken Horrible Food Wonderful Food this class will be different, but you may take this class at the repeater rate of $195.

 

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Gentle Gentle The Way Of It

I have received really, really good feedback and suggestions for change for the recovery guide for ending a war with eating that I sent out a few days ago.

Here is an entirely new version.

More tips for what you can do NOW. Less memoir. And all the beautiful quotes I meant to include the first time.

Here’s the funny thing that happened in my mind:

I was reading incoming messages, some people who I asked to read with a critical eye….

….and as I opened up the original document and began to read it again….

…..it looked terrible. 

Who wrote this story going on and on with no real help? This is garbage! A waste of time! You call this a guide? I can’t believe I sent this out! 

That little worried wart voice.

And then, an inner smile…it is sooo different the way I would have once believed that chattering voice from the calm that now winks at me a second later.

It’s like I can simply hear another channel, almost immediately (at least in this situation) that is playing a tune of no concern, of peace.

“When you know how to question your thoughts, there’s no resistance. You look forward to your worst nightmare, because it turns out to be nothing but an illusion, and the four questions of The Work provide you with the technology to go inside and realize that. You don’t have to grope in the dark to find your way to freedom. You can just sit down and give it to yourself, anytime you want.” ~ Byron Katie 

Even if your worst nightmare today is that you said or wrote something off, or someone didn’t get you, or you were misunderstood, or people were critical of you….

….can you really know that it’s true that you’ve done something wrong, or stupid, or cheesy, or ridiculous, or tacky, or scary?

Can you know it’s true that what you did matters, in a bad way?

No.

How do you react when you want to take it back, when you want a do-over?

I always found my stomach felt queasy, I felt exposed, frightened. I expected mean words coming in my direction. I expected people to shun me, avoid me, not want contact.

And who would I be without believing those thoughts?

What if you did something right? What if this was fantastic? Just part of the journey that caused things to go….to the right, instead of the left.

“The real plan is always the way of it, eliminating the need for any plan I might have.” ~ Byron Katie

Today, I celebrate this moment exactly where it is, without needing to do anything, without anything needing to change.

I wrote and added and deleted yesterday, I felt creative and rushed and fascinated….

….and everything is “in progress”.

Everything.

“The Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing thus has nothing to lose.” ~ Tao Te Ching #64

Peace be with you today. You are awesome!

Even those goofy thoughts that run through your mind.

With love,

Grace

P.S. Again, the revamped free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.

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Food Nightmares? Free Guide To Peaceful Eating

As you probably know, one of my most difficult relationships was with food, eating and body image in my teen years and all of my 20s and into my 30s.

Really….it was my relationship with my own mind that was rough. I was brutal!

I thought being mean would incite change.

I didn’t realize that love and compassion for myself, without attempting to change, would bring so much MORE change than anything I had tried.

If you are someone who would like to be on a separate email list for announcements and programs for people wanting to investigate their relationship with food….

…then I have a gift for you.

Click on this link HERE, and you can download a free E-Guide I’ve written to help people get started with using self-inquiry and internal questioning to understand and heal their painful behaviors with food.

When you get the guide, you’ll be added to the email list for Peaceful Eating that’s separate from daily Grace Notes.

You may have had bulimic episodes, or been anorexic, or you may have had great tension and sadness, weight gain and loss, and anger with the state of your relationship with food.

Anyone on this list will receive occasional updates on upcoming new programs or opportunities.

There are two teleclasses in January—one a new one for investigating bulimia and the binge/purge cycle using self-inquiry—one for examining the relationship to food…and also the first weekend in April 2014 in Seattle the Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend!

If this is not an area of tension for you, then please forward this to anyone you think might benefit.

“When you’re operating on uninvestigated theories of what’s going on and you aren’t even aware of it, you’re in what I call “the dream.” Often the dream becomes troubling; sometimes it even turns into a nightmare. At times like these, you may want to test the truth of your theories by doing The Work on them. The Work always leaves you with less of your uncomfortable story. Who would you be without it? How much of your world is made up of unexamined stories? You’ll never know until you inquire.” ~ Byron Katie

If you or anyone you know is interested in dissolving your nightmare with food, eating, weight and you want to receive updates on this topic, click HERE.

Much love, Grace

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The Hook Before The Fall

Quick announcement: If you are interested, or know someone who would be, in working with me in a small group to investigate bulimia or painful binge-purge eating, then I am offering a program for the first time for those with this type of disordered eating.

We’ll meet on Wednesdays, January 8th from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time and meet for 8 weeks. Send me a quick reply to this email and I’ll give you all the details. You can see for yourself if its right for you to participate.

*****

In so many ways, any one addiction is like every other addiction. People have their favorites, their specialties, the ones that “work” for them or that they are drawn to or trapped in.

But you don’t really call it an addiction until you see it does NOT actually work, it’s harmful, it’s a mixed love/hate kind of experience.

For me, I either ate food, smoked tobacco, or drank alcohol…or worried, obsessed, grew more and more fearful.

I remember the feeling right in the moment of moving towards the activity, even though I swore I wouldn’t do it again.

These were my thoughts:

  • I don’t care, I need this
  • I’d feel desperate (or irritated, angry, scared) without this “x”
  • there is no love, kindness, safety, power, rest, entertainment or care for me here now
  • it doesn’t matter what happens later
  • I’ll stop doing this tomorrow
  • I hate this feeling
  • I must satisfy this craving

It appears that there is a moment of discomfort, whether extreme or mild, or a painful idea or memory. Then comes anxiety, loneliness, pressure, wanting to relax, anger, mystery, emptiness, self-criticism, fear, craving, self-doubt, worry, sadness….

….and then these thoughts to ease that feeling, change the feeling, ASAP.

I know it all seems to happen very, very fast. Almost unconsciously. It begins to happen in the snap of a finger.

So let’s question the thoughts.

Is it true that you need to do this? Is it true that this feeling won’t end unless you do your activity (drink, smoke, eat, internet, phone, emails, shop, spend, TV, contact “x”)?

Is it true that you should control this feeling, this craving, or that it is too big for you right now?

Yes, it certainly felt that way. Overwhelming feelings, a pull like a gravitational force, like a wave that has to crash on the sand.

Can you absolutely know it’s true that you need to do this? That this moment and the feelings in it are too big right now?

No. Something feels right also about NOT engaging in this behavior. I know other people who don’t do it, and they’re fine.

Are you sure you’re powerless? Are you sure you’re not safe? Are you sure you’re not loved? Are you sure you can’t rest?

No.

How do you react when you think the thought that you need to do this thing that also hurts you? What happens?

I scream at myself in my own head. I feel scared, nervous, unhappy, alone. Against some parts of my life. I feel like giving up. I think it doesn’t matter anyway.

I call myself a loser.

But who would you be without the thought that this feeling is terrible? That you can’t handle this moment? That this is too uncomfortable? That you’re completely powerless (in a bad way)? That you need to go do that thing, get that food, drink that alcohol, smoke that cigarette, surf the internet?

Who would you be without the thought that there is no love, safety, rest, power, comfort and connection for you right here, right now?

Pause to see.

Without the thought “I need to do this”?

I might stop. I might cry. I might call someone for true, honest, intimate connection. I might lie down, rest, listen. I might punch a pillow and yell, or go on a walk. I might be silent.

I turn the beliefs around.

  • I do care, I don’t need to do this
  • I will feel desperate (or irritated, angry, scared) with this “x”
  • there is love, kindness, safety, power, rest, entertainment or care for me here now…how could I access it or receive it?
  • it does matter what happens later
  • I will stop doing this now (or, I will not stop doing this tomorrow)
  • I love/accept this feeling, I can stay with it, open to it
  • I must not satisfy this craving, this craving will end without me
“Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. This happens because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past…You are not fully here.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

 

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.

Just hit reply if you’re interested in the 8 week teleclass to take a deep dive into the greater extremes of painful eating, binge-purge cycles, bulimia or over-exercising.

And whatever your go-to relief is that doesn’t provide deep rest…question your thoughts about what isn’t possible for you.

If I could have the addictive cycle fall away, without violence against myself, or rules, or discipline…..so can you, so can you.

Much love, Grace