Tag: Byron Katie

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My Big Kahuna Barrier to self-inquiry

One of my favorite things about The Work is that you are your own guru, teacher and educator. You answer the four questions known as The Work or self-inquiry (or Inquiry Based Stress Reduction IBSR if you want to get fancy). You find your own turnarounds.

You’re working intimately with your mind on situations that have actually happened in your life–and you’ve got your sometimes vivid, sometimes foggy, painful memories of that situation.

The thing is….when I first started out in The Work….I kind of had mixed feelings about the whole ME being the teacher thing.

What??! I’m the teacher? I’m the guru? DANG IT. That can’t be right. This? (pointing to self). Seriously? Are you talkin’ to me?

Byron Katie suggests: “Anything you want to ask a teacher, ask yourself. And wait for the answer in silence.”

But. (Let’s be honest).

That’s actually the problem here!

My ways don’t seem to work so well. I’ve done it wrong. I have huge flaws. It seems like something’s missing! There must be some mistake.

Can’t you see? I am NOT the teacher. I’m a dork!

(And I know the Voice in the head to some of us is pretty mean. It calls you names far worse than “dork”).

The thing is, this orientation towards ourselves can be so loud, so rude, so dismissive, and so fretful….

….you don’t feel like you can answer these questions about reality and the world and your life, with any kind of confidence or clarity. The despair has already set in. Maybe you worry that if you DID answer the questions, they’d be the WRONG answers.

At least, that’s how I felt about my own answers. Tentative. Nervous. Very lacking in trust.

I was totally convinced I was LOOKING for answers, not that I HAD answers already. Stop telling me I have answers! I don’t!

Here’s the good news: all these ideas about you missing something, about you not being the teacher? They are only more thoughts, upon thoughts, upon thoughts. And very worthy of inquiry.

The energy of attack you have towards yourself, you’ve also had about other people, or life encounters that were scary. It’s a fairly natural human reaction to loss, surprise, shock, or believing you lack love to Go To War with something. Anything. The self is usually the best target of all (it seems). We don’t really want to hurt other people. So we turn it on us.

I keep noticing, everyone is truly a real softie inside for the most part (OK, always). We really don’t want anyone to suffer. We wish we ourselves didn’t suffer.

So what do we do with The Work if we feel like we can’t answer the questions, or trust our answers, or we feel super confused, and we’re just so dang sure we can’t be the One, or the teacher?

Start with….naturally….The Work.

Is it true you can’t answer the four questions and get anywhere, or be your own teacher? Are you sure your answers aren’t the complete package, the full monty, the best way?

Hmmm.

Ummm.

It FEELS like there’s something missing here, but I can’t know it’s absolutely true.

How do you react when you think the thought that you can’t really be your own personal guru, or answer-giver?

I circle the globe looking for other teachers. Better teachers. Other people who know a lot more than me, or seem to. I get nervous about who I can or can’t trust. I’m full of longing. I think the answer is in Rishikesh. Not here. I listen to hours of talks on youtube.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Because there really isn’t. Amazing wisdom resides in this world. And some of it’s on the internet.

How do I react?

I DO NOT DO THE WORK. Not all by myself.

I keep saying “whatever’s here can’t be it”. I think it’s not enough. I’m not smart enough, good enough, wise enough, patient enough, slow enough, fit enough, relaxed enough.

But who would you be without your story that you aren’t the teacher you’ve been waiting for?

Gulp.

Wait.

You mean….

I’m not even sure who I’d be. OK though. I’ll try to answer.

Without the belief….I’d feel curious. Kind of weird. Unknown. I’d notice the space I’m in, the present moment. I’d notice the mind very busy with thought, and also a pulsing aliveness here. I’d find it funny that I have no answers, but feel like that’s also OK somehow. I’d notice I’m here.

Turning the thought around: I am my own teacher. I’m the One I’ve been waiting for.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

I’m the only one who has been here for every single moment of my life, in addition to some part of “reality” or “life” or “creation” which has also been here all of my life (call it God if you like).

I’m the only one who knows the in’s and out’s of the way I move through life.

I’m the one who remembers the situations the way I remember them, whether painful or joyful. They get locked in my mental files just THAT way, even if others were there to observe it differently.

Even when I’ve been the meanest to myself you can imagine, with really violent thinking, I haven’t eliminated myself. Something has stuck here even when thoughts were cray cray. I’m still here!

I’m the one who’s been drawn to all these amazing experiences and fascinating characters who are fellow travelers here on earth. All the wonderful teachers, the programs (like the school and other beautiful retreats and gatherings). I said Yes. Even without getting why.

Except for my thoughts, life is pretty astonishing, unusual, full of magnificent variety, and totally weird.

Holy Wow.

I am that.

Someone wrote a book with that title….and it could be entirely and completely just as true or truer that you are.

If you’re not so sure about doing The Work or if questioning your thoughts can bring freedom, and a joy you never expected….

….join me for a really powerful webinar coming soon where I go into depth about what it is that keeps self-inquiry from working.

When you register, you’ll get a list of ten barriers I’ve found that all point to the very same Big Kahuna barrier of Not Believing I’m The One I’ve Been Waiting For.

Perhaps all these ten barriers are just ways we remain ignorant, or entrenched in our idea that This Can’t Be It.

I find it’s been helpful to see all these little ways the mind will sabotage, sneak around, trick, or try to stay in a fearful place about life and What Is.

And although I’ve taught the webinar before, every single time I show up and share the slides, the barriers, the exercises, something changes and is new. It’s never the same, based on the questions that come and who attends.

Join me Friday, July 7th for a live webinar: Ten Barriers That Make The Work Difficult, Meh, or Unconvincing….And How To Deepen Your Self-Inquiry Instead.

I’ll also answer questions at the end about the upcoming Year of Inquiry, a small group immersion in The Work from September 2017 through June 2018 with Summer Camp for The Mind for July and August 2018 also….a full and entire year with a small group of devoted inquirers, all doing The Work together.

Everyone who completes the Full Year of Inquiry Program can receive credit for a 9 day School for The Work plus 80 additional credits in training towards Certification in The Work.

Many (maybe most) people join are not pursuing accreditation. Because it’s simply about being in The Work, remembering to question what you’re thinking that hurts.

This program is about YOU. You being your own teacher. Your Year of Inquiry, your school of yourself. You really are the guru or teacher of your own life, and sharing it with us all is a gift.

If you’d like to learn more, besides the Big Kahuna barrier of believing you are not enough and NOT your own teacher, then sign up for the upcoming 90 minute free webinar I on this topic of barriers that prevent us from questioning our thinking, and loving what is.

When you register, I’ll be including a summary handout of the ten barriers.

Sign up for the Webinar: Ten Barriers to Doing The Work right HERE. https://workwithgrace.lpages.co/webinarswithgrace/

We meet online Friday, July 7th Noon – 1:30 pm. At the end of the webinar, I’ll include information on Year of Inquiry plus Q & A, so bring your questions!

“You are the one you’ve been looking for.” ~ Byron Katie

 

 

 

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Being With Byron Katie

Have you ever wanted to spend an official retreat in The Work with Byron Katie, the founder, herself?

Not everyone who learns of The Work are able to fly to another continent, sign up for the 9 Day School, or make all the arrangements and use resources to get themselves to an event with Katie, who has been teaching and sharing The Work for over 30 years and is now in her 70s.

Two years ago, for the first time, Katie offered a four day retreat live via streaming video. She’s in Switzerland, we’re located wherever we are with internet connection and a way to view a screen.

It’s pretty remarkable technology that allows such a thing these days.

And the fees are astronomically lower than attending a live event, getting yourself there with airplane tickets, trains or automobiles and paying for lodging and meals. Not to mention the tuition.

Signing up for watching something via the internet for hours on your own doesn’t always appeal to everyone. You still appear to need to take the time out to sit to watch, have quiet down time, and not be cluttered with your usual tasks like laundry or responding to your kids.

However, we’re making this really powerful and easy in Seattle, by collecting as a group to watch together.

It’s the next best thing to “live”.

People have been asking me a ton of questions about this upcoming streamed event with Byron Katie, and how to participate in Seattle, the fees, what the rooms are like if you need a place to sleep (we have them) and what to expect.

Here’s the low down:

Q: Do I have to attend all four days July 8-11th?

A: No. You can come to only one day to watch with us all, if that’s what works best with your schedule. You would have access then, until September 30th, to all the recordings….through a special log-in with our group account (no extra fee) to watch what you miss on your own time with your own computer. You would still submit the same flat fee ($185) as everyone else to participate for fewer sessions live with us, but have access to every recording just like everyone else. You won’t miss a thing.

Q: Why would I watch this with others, if I can watch it all on my own at home?

A: The power of gathering in the group for four days is quite astonishing for keeping silence, which is what the participants in Switzerland who are attending the retreat in person will be doing. Being supported by the energy of the group, and truly disconnecting from your daily routine and people you live with so you sink into the silence between every streamed session is a remarkable experience. When everyone is committed to the silence together, it’s a truly transformative energy. Plus, I don’t know about you, but do you actually keep silence when left to your own devices? This also means no social media scrolling or other technical distractions. Bring your journal. Be with you.

Q: Won’t I spend more money, if I come to Seattle to watch?

A: The fee for participation in our group event here in Seattle is $55 US less than you’d spend if you registered and paid for this event on your own. And, the fee you pay gives you access to all the recordings (on a sign-up schedule) through September 30th, 2017 which is the same length of time as if you registered for full access to the program on your own.

Q: What about lodging?

A: If you live far away and want to book a room in our private retreat house (the owner doesn’t live there) the rooms are set up as very modestly priced so those staying just chip in extra for sleeping over, far lower than typical Seattle housing rates on gorgeous Capital Hill (our location). The master bedroom with king bed is $80 per night, a queen room upstairs on the main level is $65 per night, and two large queen rooms downstairs (sharing a bathroom) are $55 per night. Share them, or ask me if you need to pay less in order to be able to participate easily. The peace and quiet of remaining onsite creates an incredible opportunity for you to truly relax into silence, uninterrupted, with others holding the very same energy. You’ll make meals and move about your time there, all in silence. There’s plenty of space for cooking, filling the fridge with your food, and venturing off to find good meals or walks in the parks nearby.

Q: What does my fee support?

A: The fee is based on planning for 12 participants, with each of the four rooms also reserved separately, to “break even” for all expenses including the registration as a group to view the event, the entire house rental in this highly popular neighborhood, plus supplies and promotional expenses.

Q: How many people are already coming?

A: We’ve got seven people, and two staying onsite so far. Anyone wanting the master bedroom is in luck as it’s still open (with it’s own private bathroom). It’s easiest and most relaxed if you take a room all 5 nights, checking in on Friday, July 7th any time after 4 pm, and checking out Wednesday, July 12th by noon. We’ll start early Saturday morning July 8th and end late-ish on Tuesday, July 11th.

Q: What is the exact schedule?

A: We gather at 9:00 am on Saturday, July 8th. Grace Bell (that’s me) will offer an Orientation to keeping silence, share what she knows about the neighborhood (which is fabulous and teaming with beauty of old Seattle near Roanoke Park, my stomping grounds growing up). I’ll also cover how to do your own work during the program and answer your questions before we begin. Everyone will get the chance to speak of their needs to others in our group before we begin.

  • Saturday July 8th after our own Orientation at 9:00 am, we’ll then view the opening Welcome in Switzerland with the staff there from 10:00-11:30 am, our first full session with Katie from 1:00-4:00 pm, and the second session with Katie from 6:30-9:30 pm.
  • Sunday July 9th Morning Silent Walk 9:00 am (optional), Session One 10:00 am-1:00 pm, Session Two 4:00-7:00 pm
  • Monday July 10th Session One 10:00 am-1:00 pm, Afternoon Silent Walk (optional) 3:00 pm, Session Two 4:00-7:00 pm
  • Tuesday July 11th Session One 9:00 am-Noon, Session Two 2:30-5:30 pm, Closing Session 7:00-9:30 We will view the closing session in Switzerland (ending approx 8:30 pm) then end our own silent session with a powerful brief closing sharing circle with everyone.
(All exact times are subject to change slightly based on adjustments from Switzerland schedule shifts).

Q: If I’m not staying overnight, what’s open to me in the retreat house?

A: The whole place, except for the private bedrooms, is for us all. This is a vacation house rented to visitors to Seattle, and highly popular (it’s rented for the entire summer every single day, and we’re lucky to have it). Professional cleaning staff care for it between every customer. You’ll have access to storing anything you want to bring for your comfort including food, cooking your meals in the lovely kitchen, comfy clothing. You can take a midday shower in the upper or downstairs bathrooms even if you’re not remaining onsite for the nights.

Q: What will the viewing area be like?

A: The reason I selected this house first and foremost is because the living room is equipped with a huge big-screen TV set up high above the fireplace. Excellent and comfortable chairs will be available for everyone, and a very large couch. We’ll have it set up for us all theater style and people can easily come and go, listen, and be in the room with great sound and excellent viewing.

Q: What if I have simple questions and logistics, or questions about The Work, I’m moved by the content of the retreat, or stirred up by what I hear? How can I communicate?

A: Anyone can pass me a note in the silence and I will be available during any break to meet with you and support you in your work and your questions if you’d like to talk. Everyone will receive handouts at the retreat and there will be plenty of worksheets supplied for anyone to use (Judge Your Neighbor worksheets and One Belief At A Time worksheets). You can also email or text me at absolutely any time during the course of the retreat, and I’ll respond.

A white board will be prominently located with pens for people to write messages, post questions, and share answers. While the orientation of the retreat is to remain in silence, sometimes there are needs to communicate and I’m very happy to receive your written words and be there in service to you.

Our group in Seattle is also invited to send emails to the retreat staff in Switzerland, share photos and questions, and Katie may respond to your message. Our photos may be shared with everyone viewing the retreat. If you’re good at taking pics or short videos….let me know!

Q: What is available to do during the breaks, and where do I get meals? Should I keep the silence if I’m interacting with people out in the world?

A: This is entirely up to you, and, I encourage you to adopt the commitment, as the participants in Switzerland, which is to maintain complete silence the entire time. Everyone will have name tags on which you can write “IN SILENCE” to wear out into the world. There is an incredible array of city restaurants, grocery stores, like Trader Jo’s, a local beautiful little grocery store within walking distance, and tons of places you can get a lovely meal to-go, or an elegant meal, and sit and watch the world in silence. You can bring a note for the person waiting your table, to let them know you’re in silence to communicate your order. You can also bring all your own food supplies and cook in our kitchen in silence.

And, it’s perfectly OK to break silence when you leave the retreat house. There is no wrong way to do this. It’s an experiment in being with yourself, without words, in the hustle and bustle of life….and to relax in the beauty of inquiry.

Q: Can I earn credit if I’m in the Institute for The Work?

A: Yes! You can earn 24 credits for hours directly with Byron Katie as if you were spending time with her in person. There will be a small fee for your credit registration (still paying less than if you signed up independently for the whole thing). You can earn 12 credits with me if you need those kinds of credits inside ITW for no additional fee.

What an amazing way to be in The Work, to participate in this most restful way, requiring nothing, and to allow the process of the live retreat to unfold for us as it’s unfolding in Switzerland.

I hope you’ll join me. (Five more spots open for participation, and three rooms still available for over-nighters).

Sign up HERE.

If you want lodging, please let me know right away by hitting reply to this email. You’ll submit payment for your room separately.

We hope everything is provided for you to support your peace. That’s true about this event, and true about all of life. Come connect and find your answers.

“Anything you want to ask a teacher, ask yourself. And wait for the answer in silence.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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What if the Worst Thing…Is the Best Thing that could have happened?

You were lured, manipulated, hooked, seduced…..What happens when you believe this is possible? A scary story. But remember, it’s a story.

The first Friday inquiry jam, where people can connect via phone or internet from anywhere in the world, was so powerful just a few days ago (mark your calendar for First Friday of April 7:45 am PT, we’ll do it again).

We began as always with everyone filling out their own Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a stressful situation, some exchange or moment in time where something happened unpleasant. Something disturbed us. Something felt off, or scary, or sad.

Someone raised their hand (you get to push *2 and I see the alert on my computer). This lovely inquirer said she has so many moments where she felt anxious or upset….where should she begin?

Great question.

I’ve had a few of those people or moments in my life (OK, more than a few) where it felt like the same “problem” was reoccurring over and over. Or the same dilemma, or same uncomfortable conversation.

The best thing I know to do is to really freeze frame only one of those moments in time, and hold very still with it as you write down your judgments about that situation, without one single ounce of editing yourself. Be childish, critical, petty, ridiculous.

What moment should you choose, you ask?

Why, the one where you felt the most fear, intensity, sadness, rage, fury, irritation, or hurt. That one. Where the scene of the crime was The Worst.

I found, if I go back to that one, and write everything I believe that’s stressful down, about that one moment….

….then the following or other moments that “weren’t so bad by comparison” will also fall into place. (And if they don’t, you can still do The Work on them).

This movement into The Worst moment takes some courage sometimes. Because you might remember a moment that’s really, really painful. It can stir you up.

So take a very deep breath, and remember first that you’re past that moment, now. You’re safe in your chair, as you write down the thoughts. Even if the event happened yesterday, you’ve got a little break. You can give yourself this quiet space for a moment.

Not long ago I had an old flame who reappeared in my life after many years away. The relationship had spanned maybe four months grand total when it happened in real life, but I actually thought of that relationship while watching the movie LaLa Land.

Oh no, not him again. Really?

So much work on that person, a long time ago. I thought it was all squared away. But just running into him at a coffee shop made me feel sort of nauseated, and nervous. I felt jumpy, like I needed to get out of there and like I also wanted to connect and find out all about his life.

Intrigue. Mystery. Drama.

Danger Danger! (Did you hear the back-up sound of loud beeping and the red lights flashing? That’s a huge truck. Heading backwards. Meaning, the driver probably doesn’t know you’re standing right there in the middle of the alley. MOVE!!!!!)

I went home feeling kind of shaken and sad, remembering the feeling of almost being run over. Seeing pictures of being very frightened many times in that relationship, feeling nervous and pushed and chaotically excited (like when you’re on a roller coaster) and confused and never relaxed.

And then annoyed. Because I received an email from him asking to get together like it would be the easiest and most normal thing to do in the world. Not a hey, would you want to get together to have a truly honest talk about your perspective of what happened in that very tumultuous, difficult, awful time back then….but an invitation to go to a show and hang out.

What?

Somehow, I’m thinking we weren’t in the same relationship. He had his idea of what it was like. I had mine.

And here came the stressful thoughts: He should see how crazy-time the interactions were between us in the long-distant past. He should wake up. He should quit acting like an addict….someone who blacks-out the bad times and screams it-was-the-best-thing-ever about the good times. He should stop being so grabby. Desperate. He should stop thinking that relationship was fun. Or desirable. It wasn’t.

Oh man.

Dang it.

I have to do The Work on this? Again? After all these years? Seriously?

But I knew not to start in with the criticism of myself about it all.

Because self-criticism, guilt, or shame is a cover-up and a dark alley you can easily get stuck in (if you’re like me) and fogs out deeper understanding of the actual situation. It’s like a distraction to a different shiny object, a very painful shiny object. But a distraction nevertheless.

“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie

OK. Fine.

So here’s where the invitation comes in to go back to a very troubling moment, The Worst troubling moment, rather than this recent coincidental meeting which stirred things up.

I sat down, closed my eyes, and opened up to revisiting the difficult details, and seeing what still lived within my mind about it.

I was shocked.

Judge Your Neighbor worksheet:

  • I am enraged with him because he sucked me into his life, and lied about the dark truth, mental illness, alcoholism and neediness behind his fake captivating personality.
  • I want him to apologize, instead of saying he did nothing wrong.
  • He should grow up, get professional help, do The Work, understand how much he terrified me.
  • In order to be happy, I need him to confess he almost ruined my life because of his selfish and false desires, because of his desperation for attention and love.
  • He is an addict, a liar, sick, dangerous, stalker, angry, disgusting.
  • I don’t ever want to fall prey to a love con game again. I don’t ever want to be involved with someone who attempts suicide and is mentally ill.

OK then.

Sigh.

Just your run-of-the-mill everyday worksheet on a light chance encounter at a coffee shop. (Not).

The wonderful thing is now, I can take every single one of these concepts through the four questions and turnarounds. It doesn’t matter if it takes several months, or if I really go for it and do one a day. (I’m not the all-in-one-sitting type. Too much effort, too much to digest all at once. But nothing wrong with it if you DO like doing a whole worksheet in one sitting. Go for it!)

If you have a person you’ve thought of as needing to be rescued from themselves or their own thinking, or someone who manipulated or overwhelmed you….then join me now.

Let’s do The Work!

Starting from the top. Picture that person who drew you in, demanded a response, forced you to react, made you feel “x”. You’re a victim of their behavior. They neeeeeeeeeed you. They don’t let up. They’re high maintenance.

I’ve had sales pitches that felt this way. Organizations. Groups. Programs. Religions.

He sucked me into his life.

Is it true?

Yes. I was just innocently being me, standing there, and….

Answer the question.

He sucked you in, can you ABSOLUTELY KNOW this is true?

No.

I saw no vacuum cleaner. No one had a knife. All that happened is conversations, time spent together, then time ending together, honestly.

No one forced me to do it.

How do you react when you believe you were sucked in, to anything?

Angry! Furious! Fist shaking! They did it to me! I was an innocent bystander! Mad at myself for not saying “no” 1000 times sooner!

So who would you be without this very painful story that you got sucked in?

You could apply the very same thought to a compulsive addictive behavior. The food compulsion sucked you in. The drugs, the alcohol, those people. You didn’t know what hit you.

Who would I be without the belief this guy sucked me in to his agony, mental illness, his need for rescuing, his sick world?

Oh. Hmmm.

I’d notice I’m separate from him. Very. I have a world that doesn’t intersect much with this other person’s world. This is one small encounter, out of my whole life. I am not “sucked” into anything terrible.

Without the thought, I feel safer, calmer, relaxed. I’m back in my own business, feet solidly on the ground, feeling the earth and noticing how in that situation, I knew when to no longer engage.

There was no emergency.

Without the thought, I’m noticing how nothing truly terrible happened. No one died. I even went to work, went about my own life. The worst that happened, honestly, were my thoughts. No gigantic octopi descended upon me, I definitely wasn’t “sucked”.

Turning the thought around: he didn’t suck me in. I sucked him in. I sucked myself in.

Oh. Wow. Yikes.

How could these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?

I sucked him in, by telling him of my worries about life (which weren’t really true) and my love dreams (which were unrealistic) and by answering every question he asked, and by writing long involved emails to him early on. I sucked him in by asking him tons of questions about his childhood.

I sucked myself in by believing I could help, even when things began to get revealed and the true (not fake) stories started getting uncovered. I sucked myself in with worry, anxiety and feeling torn. I sucked myself in by closing my eyes to some weird behavior and pretending it was OK with me. I sucked myself in by not speaking up, or telling my own inner truth.

I even sucked myself in by swinging from bubbly attraction, to disgust, rather than feeling the solid awareness of a centered, sane, kind approach to seeing the truth. I sucked myself in to my own story of what I hoped would happen….and then sucked myself in to extreme and deep disappointment that it didn’t. I forgot my own clarity, and strength.

I sucked myself in to his agony, mental illness, his need for rescuing, his sick world…I sucked myself into my own agony, my own mental illness, my need to rescue, my sick world of believing in sick worlds.

“You are alive only in your own imagination as the thing you think you are. The story we have of ourselves is so seductive….Don’t be waiting for “next”. There is no “next”. It is enough that you are here. The more you are able to bring your attention to that which is, you will find your silence, your peace. You will discover your inherent harmony, your natural joy.” ~ Mooji

I sucked myself into a dramatic vortex of believing there was a hook. A dangerous hook, in this world. Called another human with a “big” needy personality. Who was a fish that bit the hook? That would be me.

Only, that’s not what really happened.

He did not suck me in to anything. He delivered me. He set me free from believing in emergencies, from thinking it would be awful to say “no”. From tantalizing, enmeshed relationship where I believe I’m far more important than necessary. He showed me that even when someone attempts suicide, they can live, and so can I. He showed me how wonderful my own company is, how peaceful and quiet, all by myself. How glorious.

I told a story.

And it’s completely over right now.

I see what is. Thank you.

“The thing about the past? It’s over.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Trying to Clean the Screen? Inquire, & the Projector Gets Clear Instead. And there’s dancing.

Upcoming events:
*Three hour Saturday afternoon meetup 3/18 at East West Books for only $25. Register here. I’ll share specifically how to do The Work on eating, weight, compulsive thoughts about food and your body.
*Living Turnarounds Group Sunday 2/26 3-6 pm (if you’re a beginner in The Work, email me first before registering).
********************
question your thoughts, dance into a new reality

I’m about to go dancing. It’s what I do on Saturday mornings now if I’m not teaching a retreat somewhere out of town, and one of my absolute favorite things in my entire life.

This kind of dancing is almost not really “dancing” the way many of us think of as dancing, because it’s spontaneous movement, without words, to music of all kinds of genres and countries.
There are no step, no choreography, no requirements whatsoever, no need to dance with anyone. You can stop, you can sit on a yoga mat or a chair eyes closed or open, you can shake a shaker or tambourine, you can be entirely still. People of all ages attend, and I especially love all the people who come in their 60s, 70s, 80s.
What does this have to do with The Work?
Everything, I realized some time ago.
Here I am in this body, on planet earth, experiencing this particular lifetime. There’s a mind attached to this body, a brain, thoughts, feelings, responses to this reality.
And movement happens, it seems, out of this body. I lie down to sleep. I rise in the morning and get out of bed. I go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water. I notice thoughts, and notice the room, and notice sounds. I peel a banana and eat it, gorgeous.
Now, the body sits at a table and fingers are typing. Soon, this will stand up and gather a coat and others items to leave for the dancing. At least this is most likely. The mind doesn’t know exactly how it will go.
In the flow and river of what’s happening are thoughts, ideas, planning, wondering, and movement and stillness.
The way of it.
Not up to me. I am not in charge. I didn’t even invent this body, I don’t run the lungs, heart beat, temperature. I don’t invent the thoughts that appear, or the feelings that follow thoughts.
I used to think, when I stuffed myself with junk food, and watched my judgments become enraged, when I shoplifted that time on my bicycle in college, when I said mean things to people close to me, when I didn’t have enough money, when I didn’t win the race, when I didn’t dance very freely, when I was nervous about going on stage, when I had any uncomfortable feeling….
….I used to ALWAYS think it was My Fault.
Or, someone else’s.
What’s wrong with this person? (Me, Them).
Then I’d start to think about all the ways I could improve myself, or get away from that other person, or stop feeling “x”.
In the Year of Inquiry group the other day on our phone call, someone said as she’s navigating a major change in her life, very unplanned….
….What if this is the BEST that could happen?
As opposed to the WORST?
An amazing thing to realize, to feel and understand and be aware of….even just a drop.
It suddenly brings us back to right now, this moment, looking around as if to find the good news, the best, the interesting, the wondrous, the handle-able.
Are things so difficult as our thoughts sometimes make them out to be? Do we really need to worry? Is fear the motivator for change….or is accepting this stunning lack of need to change things the easier way?
As I found The Work in 2014 it was a slow dawn. First it was reading Loving What Is. Then a weekend workshop. Then making my way to the School for The Work in 2005 (a big leap there, with 9 days of inquiry). Then another school, and using the last drop of savings to attend it. Free to spend the money without fear. Even with fear.
No planning was done for how this went. I just knew what to do next. And next. And next.
And I noticed dancing right there at the School, during breaks, during one exercise. The joyful, spontaneous movement that didn’t need to be any certain way whatsoever except free, expressing itself.
So I found dance back at home where I lived, free-form dance, and I started going specifically to do what Byron Katie calls “living your turnaround”. An intention to move without worry, or criticism (well, there were a lot of inhibitions at first, for about a year, but I kept showing up and dancing who I would be without my thoughts).
And eventually, with my husband, I started a dance of this same interesting kind–open movement without plans, without requirements of any kind.
Being You in a group of other people all moving together.
This feels like where The Work brings us all. Being ourselves, connected to everyone and all that is, moving freely with joy and love, this body, music (or no music as we live our waking day moving from here to there, even from one room to another room). Just for a temporary time here on planet earth.
Who would you be without any thought whatsoever that something is required, or there’s someone to blame–someone’s fault–just for today? Who would I be without the belief there’s something off, or wrong, just for the next hour?
What if this is the BEST that could happen, and I could doubt my fears and angst about whether or not it’s gone wrong?
“Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What The Work gives us is a way to change the projector-mind—rather than the projected. It’s like when there’s a piece of lint on a projector’s lens. We think there’s a flaw on the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it’s futile to try to change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie
As one of my other favorite teachers (Adyashanti) invites people from time to time to try: Sit on a couch, and only get up when “it” gets up, not when you think you should, or shouldn’t, or when you have a thought about it.
Who would you be, how would you move, without your beliefs or your identity?
This morning, apparently, I’d be Dancing.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Most Saturday mornings Free Form Dance Dance is at Northgate Community Center in Seattle. Doors open 10 am.
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I coughed. Where’s your proof?

 

 

Byron Katie visits 800 people in Seattle

Yesterday, I got to sit in the presence of Byron Katie and about 800 other people, all gathered together where I live (Seattle) to observe our stressful stories, and question them by taking them through the process known as The Work.

I had an image at one moment of dropping to my knees, prostrating I guess it’s called….

….and bowing to the Great Universe, kissing the ground for giving me the ability to wonder if what I’m thinking, when it’s painful, is actually true?

It almost never is.

Not the absolute 100% solid, never-to-be-doubted truth. I mean, how could what my brain is saying be The Truth?

One person’s mind?

But I sure have acted like it was.

He hurt me, she insulted me, he abandoned me, she criticized me, I better be careful, she shouldn’t worry, he should calm down, she shouldn’t have cut me off, he shouldn’t have been so greedy, they shouldn’t have more than me, I need, I should, I want, they are, what if.

So many stressful concepts chattering away on the inside of my mind over years of my life.

And then this question….

….Is it true?

Can you be sure it’s true, the thing you’re thinking?

Are you certain?

Consider it deeply. Are you sure? How do you know? Where did you learn this “fact”? Is it undeniable? Would EVERYONE agree?

Where’s your proof?

Katie asked the audience yesterday, as I’ve heard her ask before….

….”Who just heard me cough?”

Silence, with some hands going up.

“Where’s your proof?”

The point being, the proof is only in the memory, the image in the mind, the imprint getting lodged in the brain that determines it happened, because we saw it. We heard it. Therefore it’s the truth.

And there’s no proof. None.

So who would you be without holding on to your thought? Who would you be without your belief that what you saw, or heard, (even if it was a cough), was The Truth?

What would it be like to look around at this present moment (you can do it right now) and not have any solid “IT-HAPPENED-FOR-SURE-AND-IT-SUCKED” attitude about what went on in the past that you didn’t like, hated, resisted, regretted?

Wouldn’t you notice how lovely, quiet, stable and kind this moment is, without your full-fledged belief?

I got once again, listening to Katie and the brave people who sat in the chair opposite her on stage and said their stressful thoughts out loud….I got once again that this work isn’t about denial.

In other words, it’s not about pretending something never happened or that I’m a complete nut case to have “made up” something that wasn’t real. It’s not about denying the intense thing I witnessed. It’s not about acting fake-fake like all is well, when it really wasn’t (even if in the end, it was).

This is about noticing the past is OVER.

Right now, I’m sitting in a chair, reliving a memory. The memory is in the mind. It’s not reality. it’s not happening Now. These are images, repeating themselves. Images on replay. Waiting for me to question them.

Right now, it’s very safe. Very quiet. I am supported by the chair, the room, the floor. The world is still revolving. There are kind people nearby. No one is yelling, criticizing, abandoning me, hurting me, or being violent.

Noticing this is who I would be, who I am, without my stressful thought.

“The mind creates the abyss, the heart crosses it.” ~ Nisargadatta

“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would you be without your thought about yesterday?

Oooooh, it could be very, very exciting. Thrilling. Wondrous. New. Mysterious. A blank page. Loving. Magical.

Just saying.

Much love,

Grace

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Nothing holds a candle to this

What if you didn’t know you did it wrong, made a mistake, or failed? Don’t believe your thoughts, even about yourself.

Last Sunday in the middle of a beautiful, dark, wintery afternoon at a hushed meditation satsang event with a teacher I so love, Adyashanti, I noticed a thought suddenly appear.

(Satsang, by the way, means a gathering of people with shared spiritual interests to talk about truth and sacred ideas–Q & A time).

This wise teacher and author, a man very close to my same age, has followers from all over the world, and hundreds of people at his meditation retreats.

And here he was talking, yet again, about giving up the hunt. The pain of seeking, searching, reaching, pushing. The ridiculousness, in many ways, of talking about “enlightenment” or pursuing some condition other than what is here, now. He dialogued with a very sincere woman encouraging her to find her own way, her own answers, and not follow his way or anyone else’s. And definitely not to move to California near where he lives.

His unassuming invitation was to wonder about All This. To grapple and sort through it. To come up with no solid, rigid answers and yet still move, act, watch oneself navigate through conditioning, and reality.

Somewhere around then, my stressful thought appeared. (Remember I mentioned it?)

The thought had babies. It went something like this: I better buy the recording of this conversation, so I can “get” it.

Then a little familiar depressive feeling of the futility of all the “trying to understand” something about the meaning of life. Whatever.

I had stayed up late the night before, and perhaps lack of sleep affected me. I had a very chocolatey dessert and a lively and wonderful conversations into the wee hours.

I also felt a slight sore throat, glands working hard. A fatigue.

Have you ever noticed when you have a barrage of self-critical thinking, the voice is saying “you” like it’s an actual person, talking to you?

You should have gone to bed earlier. You didn’t even like the chocolate that much, what a fool for eating it so late. You facilitate Eating Peace for crying out loud! You should quit! How you got this far with your programs, I have no idea. I have one word for you: retire. You’re not that great at meditating either, I might add. Twenty minutes a day? (Say “loser” while coughing).

Um.

It would be funny except it’s pretty harsh, right?

Deep breath.

Lately, I’ve been preparing the Year of Inquiry group for our next month on Relationships. As I was reading and researching for Katie’s ideas and suggestions about doing The Work on relationships, I came across an important passage.

“If you haven’t undone your painful thoughts, you can get into a bubble bath, light candles, recite positive affirmations, pamper yourself in every way–and once you’re out of the tub, the same thoughts will come back to haunt you. It’s like staging a seduction only the one you’re trying to seduce is you…..The only obstacle to loving other people is believing what you think, and you’ll come to see that that’s also the only obstacle to loving yourself.” ~ Byron Katie (pg. 204 in I Need Your Love)

We’ve all heard how not doing The Work on yourself is generally the easier, more crystal clear way to “see” your objections to a situation. Everyone always wants to do The Work on themselves when they first begin The Work. But get the hang of judging someone else? Oh what brilliant awareness can come forward, without it wiggling out of reach because you’re questioning your own thoughts about your own thinking.

But what if you DID take this potentially harder road, where it might get a bit murky and you might have an agenda to enforce change….

….but you questioned just one stressful thought about yourself, very sincerely, very honestly, anyway?

Ready?

What haven’t you forgiven yourself for?

Even if it’s not the biggest, wildest, most ugly thought…..what do you see in the middle of a situation where your thoughts get nasty, about yourself?

I did it wrong.

OK, let’s go.

Is it true you did it wrong? (Stayed up too late, ate the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, screwed up, failed)?

Yes.

Ugh.

The pictures start showing me so many ways I screwed up. Remember that time in high school? What about the multitudes of embarrassing moments involving romance? How about driving after drinking, with your headlights turned off on purpose? What about the guy who loved me and I broke his heart but can’t even remember his name? Or the time I stole laundry detergent? Dropped out of college? Started a job, went through the training, and then quit it only a few months later?

Or, the abortion?

Mistake! Mistake! Mistake!

Are you sure? Can you absolutely know that it’s true it was wrong?

No.

If you say “yes” keep going anyway. There’s so much you can still learn, even if you’re sure you made a terrible mistake.

How do you react when you think your thought?

Sinking into the ground. Afraid. Embarrassed. Secretive. Too nice. Incredibly stiff and careful. Hoping I never run into “x” or “y” people.

So who would you be without the thought you made a mistake and did it wrong?

Really, what would it be like if you couldn’t think that thought?

“Trying to earn your own love is just as painful as seeking the love of others, and the results are just as unsatisfying. And undoing the search works the same way. When you sincerely question your unexamined thoughts about yourself, love just happens.” ~ Byron Katie

Some people will think….well, wait now. If I let myself off the hook, if I accept myself or STOP thinking I totally screwed up, doesn’t that excuse it? Doesn’t it mean I’ll do it again, or never stop doing it?

Don’t I have to be against myself eating something for example, in order to know NOT to do it again?

Well, heck, that never worked before. So how about let’s try kindness and open inquiry, rather than violent thoughts towards the self.

Turning the thought around: I did NOT make a mistake, or do it wrong. I made a correction. I did it right.

This path is perfect for me. This path is my particular enlightenment path, my personalized journey of awareness in this world.

How could that be true, or truer, than the thought “YOU SCREWED UP YOU DINGALING!” (and all the accompanying yelling)?

I did not make a mistake. I didn’t do it wrong. 

These actions all showed me something very interesting. Showed me when I was willing to override what I thought was wrong to get something I believed was missing, or threatened.

Making these “mistakes” helped me identify how small I felt. How victim-y. How impatient. How desperate. How merged with holding onto an identity that’s in control, that “knows” what I shouldn’t be like.

Huh.

How simple, and quiet it is, to consider I should be exactly all the ways I’ve been–every action, every supposed mistake. No battle in it. Simply seeing, when I’m being a dictator, even about myself, I have no idea what’s talking really. It’s only fear.

“Know nothing. Take your ignorance all the way to your freedom.” ~ Byron Katie

“I can assure you that nothing else holds a candle to life lived beyond self.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love,

Grace

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The urge to do the thing….and avoid inquiry. You’re not alone.

But I’m running. I can’t do The Work right now. You have no idea how busy I am….Are you sure you have to Do The Thing and Not The Work?

I was so touched by the inquirers doing The Work on money this month, both in the Year of Inquiry group (it’s our topic all of January) and in the collection of people who showed up to participate, listen and contemplate money just yesterday in the 4 week Money and The Work class.

One important part of doing The Work on a big topic, or any really troubling reliably stressful topic in your life is…..

….drum roll please….

….DOING The Work.

In other words, sitting down, writing out the thoughts you’re experiencing in your mind no matter how childish and frightening, and then taking them through the inquiry process.

And it’s weird how hard it is all on your own for some of us, right?

Sitting on my own couch, or lying in bed, or moving about my living room, or going to the store to get groceries, doing laundry, working, being busy with life, picking up kids from school, putting together meals, talking to the son and daughter at college, preparing for the next workshop or retreat….

….there’s a commenter looking on, noticing what you’re doing.

And at the same time, there are voices saying to Get Busy, Keep Moving, You-Have-To-Do-That-Thing.

Do the thing! Do the thing! Do the thing!

Don’t sit down and wonder about a stressful thought. Get over it!

But has this worked?

Maybe for a temporary time. Maybe you get distracted pretty well, in fact…but then here it comes again. That dreaded stressful thought.

Those thoughts, for example, about money. Not enough. Might make a mistake. Can’t get what I need. I want more.

Today I suggest taking a moment to sit down. You can get up again if it’s torturous. But maybe you can also handle it? Maybe it’s OK to really see what it is you’re thinking about a difficult situation?

Start with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet questions. That’s what everyone did in the money class. We found a situation where we were troubled with money, and focusing on money itself, wrote a worksheet, wrote out those thoughts.

NOW….you’ve got some good work cut out for you. Like someone sewing together some lovely pieces of cloth that don’t yet look so good, all cut out but not built yet, not made into a new suit of clothing, no fine threads, no tiny segments decorated, no real usefulness. Not yet.

But the good news is, you’ve got the Four Questions, and you only need to go through them, slowly, one at a time.

In the new money class I’ve invited everyone to do The Work this week on the thoughts they found. Whether you’re in the group class or not, why not do The Work on one thought every day from your worksheet?

Who knows what kind of new suit you’ll be wearing by the end of the week, with this kind of lazer focused investigating and “working”.

“For some of us, life is controlled by our thoughts about work and money. But if our thinking is clear, how could work or money be a problem? Our thinking is all we need to change. It’s all we CAN change. This is very good news.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

If you find it very difficult to sit with your own busy mind and question it, you’re not alone (I know the feeling! Oy!). Call the Help Line, find a facilitator, get a friend or family member to ask you the questions without giving any advice. Put on a timer and allow yourself to sit for whatever you think you can stand–you might surprise yourself.

Who would you be without your story?

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Powerful Questions That Can Change Everything (+ Masterclass)

The Eating Peace Masterclass on the Barriers in The Mind That Come Between Us And Eating Peace meets this evening at 5:30 pm PT OR Weds 1/11 at 8:30 am. Register here. (It’s free). You’ll receive the link to join in your Inbox. If for any reason you don’t see it delivered to you, please hit “reply” to this email and I’ll help.

You don’t have to have a heavy “eating” issue (although my focus and language will be around reaching for food) to join this class. If you get the link to join, you can unsubscribe from Eating Peace list any time by clicking on the little letters at the bottom of anything I send out (Unsubscribe/Update Your Profile).

So what do I actually mean by “barriers” to peace, or specifically barriers to eating peace?

Oh so intricate, slippery and complicated, it seems.

There are many reasons people have, often very personal, for eating off-balance or having battles with food and eating.

There are many personal reasons why people have all kinds of whacky or obsessive behavior, or do something unnatural or less-than-peaceful.

I once worked with a man who was very disturbed by his use of pornography. He paid lots of money for various sexual stimulation, all online and without any real contact with other human beings. He was incredibly lonely, even though he spent a ton of time engaged in his activity.

I’ve spoken with many people, from my years working at a cancer treatment clinic, who smoked tobacco and were so disappointed in themselves for getting addicted and continuing with their smoking for many years. They felt awful, guilty for causing their cancer, and yet really felt they couldn’t quit.

There are so many other human behaviors that involve confusion about the way we behave.

Usually, eating wars aren’t directly associated with the food itself.

I’ve mentioned “hidden” beliefs or assumptions running that make eating get out of whack. If you’re not so sure about the word “hidden” you might say they’re protective or adaptive mechanisms, to make sure you stay safe, don’t enter a threatening situation, remain comfortable, avoid the pain of suffering, avoid emptiness or despair.

The thing is, the deeper, maybe long-term reasons you eat the way you do (or whatever the behavior) is usually quite personal to your own life, even if it’s not unique as an activity or adaptation.

The barriers I’ll be sharing with everyone on the masterclass are the thoughts, generally, we think on the surface that keep us from looking under the hood at what’s fueling our compulsions.

These are attitudes like “I’m in a hurry!” or “There’s something wrong with me!”

The voices in the head that shout internally, and make sure you never “see” what you’re really nervous about in any moment where you feel….well, nervous.

I used to feel like I was SUDDENLY overcome with the urgent need to binge eat. I might have been only a little hungry, or I don’t even know what I felt (because I paid little attention to my stomach or physical sensations that meant it was time to start or stop eating).

It was super emotional: ANGER. FRUSTRATION. DESPAIR. NERVOUSNESS.

I know….I’ll get something to eat.

It was like everything locked down on eating, and I was aware of almost nothing else but the need to eat and the continued urge to eat. Then later, of course, stubborn self-hatred about what a dunce I was for eating like that.

I thought the only thing that could alleviate the pain, the cravings, the urge, the “wanting”…..was the act of eating itself, or succumbing to the cravings.

Whatever kind of crazy behavior, or unwanted behavior, you’ve engaged in….I say, there’s a very good reason for it. It doesn’t just come out of the thin blue air for absolutely no purpose.

Get below and past and through these barriers to “seeing” and you’ll be looking at an inner landscape of your reasons you personally consume.

I’ll share with you in the Eating Peace Masterclass some of the ways you can work with these common barriers, and get deeper into what’s eating you, and to stop eating.

(By the way, if you want to come on board to watch the masterclass and apply the teaching to a DIFFERENT compulsion altogether, go for it and you might find some insights into how to address your behavior).

But even if you can’t attend the masterclass at all, here’s a few wonderful questions I’ll leave with you today, if you’re curious about this conflicted inner world when it comes to some kind of activity you do that seems weird, confusing or bad for you:

  • Is there anything that frightens you about quitting your escape, comfort, pleasurable activity?
  • What’s the worst that could happen, if you no longer had this behavior to help you cope?
  • What’s dangerous about being at a normal or slender weight (if this applies to you)?
  • What’s upsetting in your mind (pictures, thoughts, scenes, memories, feelings) if you didn’t have your activity to help you forget about them?
  • Where have you felt powerless in your life, like you have no say, no control, no choice?
Each one of these questions is worth spending some time with.

The most important thing with deep investigations, with archaeological digs into the past….is to take them slowly, just like an archaeologist takes a delicate brush and tiny instruments to sweep away the dust and dirt of some precious gem buried for thousands of years.

Slowly. With compassion for yourself.

The best way to proceed with this exploration?

Write down your thoughts….notice what frightens you….

….and do The Work.

“When a child gets lost, he may feel sheer terror. It can be just as frightening when you’re lost inside the mind’s chaos. But when you enter The Work, it is possible to find order and to learn the way back home….That is how The Work functions. Once the mind is met with understanding, it can always find its way back home. There is no place where you can remain lost or confused.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

You don’t have to do it all by yourself.  (Hint, another one of the barriers is thinking you have to).

Start with only one situation you find particularly troubling, when it comes to your compulsive behavior. See what else was going on in that moment that might have sparked a reaction.

It may be very old, but you can uncover it.

Just like the Pyramids of Giza.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: What’s The Worst That Could Happen….If You STOP Eating?

New Eating Peace Masterclass on the Barriers in The Mind That Come Between Us And Eating Peace. Watch the webinar live on Tuesday 1/10 at 5:30 pm or Weds 1/11 at 8:30 am. Register here. (It’s free).

*********************

When it came to food and eating, or weight loss and getting into shape, the first place my mind always went was to the solution.

I’ll eat like “x” and avoid “y” and add this exercise to my daily routine and resist “z” and control myself and apply willpower. I read many books on nutrition and dieting, all of which had pages of information about what was happening with the cells and molecules in the body, what recipes I should follow in the kitchen, and how I should plan my day (take the stairs, not the elevator).

All of that was ridiculous, considering the actual problem was in my mind. It was in the way I viewed the world, and how I was adapting to very stressful situations.

I was full of fear, anxiety, worry, nervousness and discomfort in some areas when it came to living life….

….and the way I adapted and coped show up in the way I ate.

The way through this very agonizing dilemma?

Identify clearly your stressful beliefs and fears, and question them. Find the opposites, the turnarounds, and practice living them.

As Einstein said (paraphrased), if he had an hour to solve a problem, he’d spend 55 minutes defining and studying the problem, and five minutes “solving” it.
So I quit studying food, nutrition, and exercise and I began to wonder what was below the surface of this whole thing in the first place.
 
When I questioned my fearful assumptions about life (and eating, food and body image) and spent the majority of my focus on this issue there….I cracked open the barriers I had to freedom.

When I questioned my fearful assumptions about life (and eating, food and body image) I cracked open the barriers I had to freedom.

I still feel nervous and anxious sometimes–I still have bad dreams occasionally, or concerns and I’m not sure how to handle a situation. But turning to food to handle them, or to help me cope or comfort or support my emotional state, is not something that even occurs to me. Nothing like it once was.

To begin to understand what your blocks are to freedom from compulsive eating (or any compulsive behavior) you can start with Byron Katie’s wonderful question that invites us to see what we’re afraid of. It’s not comfortable, always. But it’s profound, and offers insight to our inner fears that can be found in no other way than by identifying them, and looking at them.

The great question?

What’s the worst that could happen?

Here’s how. (The text on the screen will vanish in 50 seconds, hang tight at the beginning if you find it distracting).

Much love,

Grace

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Falling Into the “Have to be GOOD” Trance

Trying hard to please others? Check to see if you’re running an Identity Maintenance (Improvement) Program.

Have you ever bent over backward? Twisted yourself up into a pretzel? Over-extended yourself beyond the distant horizon? Exhausted yourself trying to please?

All in order to help someone else get comfortable, feel joyful, relax, calm down, stop suffering?

Ooooh.

There’s been a wonderful discussion and honest sharing in Year of Inquiry group for awhile about what it’s like to be giving, kind, or caring to someone….out of fear.

What does this look like or mean, exactly?

An example.

I’m reading my son’s email with information about his upcoming graduation from college in a few months. He’s surprised the family by graduation in December, rather than June. I click over to the university calendar and realize, even though it’s months away….it’s the very same weekend I’ve been set to teach a 3 day retreat out of town.

Rats.

I’m in the catalogue. People have signed up. A few are flying on airplanes to get there. I’ve planned my curriculum. Preparations have been underway.

Well, looks like I won’t be at my son’s graduation. So disappointing. My first child, my oldest.

Then, more news, about a month later.

My son’s dad has an illness and it’s progressed to the point he’s entering the hospital….He also can’t attend our son’s graduation.

Oh no!

At this additional news, I know to cancel the retreat so I can go to our son’s graduation ceremony from college.

I could question if it’s really a requirement my son have a parent at his graduation–it is not–but the retreat isn’t even that full, it’s a couple of months before the event, everyone will have enough time to re-plan alternatives.

I’ve never cancelled a retreat before (except for at the very beginning of my “career” offering The Work due to low enrollment, or more like zero enrollment).

Everyone at the retreat center is very kind and understanding. We discuss all the details. I’ll be teaching at the same conference center in the summer, so participants can be offered that one instead, or get a full refund. They’re generous and understanding. I’m relieved.

Until.

I write an email to everyone who had registered to attend.

Someone responds to my email: “We feel screwed.”

They say they’re flying from quite a distance, with non-refundable tickets. They suggest we pay for their plane tickets.

But the tone is what cuts into me–that quick rush of fear and anxiety as I read the words.

Someone is severely unhappy with me, but even worse….considers me to be “screwing” them. Ugh. Awful. I feel sick. My heart beats a little faster.

I can feel inquiry rising behind the anxious energy, sort of following it, like someone calling out in a crowd when the crowd is getting louder and louder.

“Hey! Over here! All is well, remember? Let’s take a look! Don’t jump to conclusions!”

And that voice of sanity is lost in the crowd, somewhere.

I’m forgetting the question “is it true?” It’s fading, as I focus on me-the-one-who-screws-and-disappoints-people.

I kick into gear on fixing it. I write back.

I am sooooooo sorry. I offer to come work with them privately for an evening and all day the following day for no charge. I consider paying for the tickets at what feels like a huge expense for me, so decide against it. I feel like it’s an emergency to get these disappointed people back to feeling good and hopeful.

They are grateful for the alternative private 24 hour retreat for no pay.

I sleep fitfully. I wake up thinking about what a huge hassle it will be to drive 6 hours to the retreat location, privately teach to two people for an evening and all day the next day for no income, and then drive late at night and/or early in the morning for 7.5 hours to my son’s graduation ceremony.

My husband says it’s pretty crazy.

I feel trapped. (Yes, I know–I’m the one who trapped myself).

As mentioned, it’s called twisting yourself into a pretzel to make sure those people aren’t disappointed, don’t consider you a bad person, feel happy about your kindness.

Me. Good Person Central. Right here (pointing to myself with two fingers turned at my own face). This goes on for a couple of days.

THEN I remember.

Wait. I’m in emergency management mode. Identity Management Mode. I should be the One who is GOOD. Not BAD!

Who would I be without this story, that I must be seen as a good, reliable, honest, selfless, helpful, kind, willing, generous, bending, flexible person?

Who would I be without this very painful story of needing to be “good”….in other peoples’ eyes?

But.

You mean….leave those other people with the impression I have screwed them? Not clean it up completely? Don’t they have to like me? Isn’t it horrible if they don’t?

No.

Without this very painful story in my relationships in my life (and in this one, in this situation), I would be so much more free to move where I needed to move, make honest decisions, follow the simple directions, and never worry or lose any sleep over what someone else thought of me. I wouldn’t over-give. I wouldn’t sacrifice.

I would stay in my own integrity. I would save a lot of time. I wouldn’t start promising things I didn’t mean, or weren’t really able to do, or weren’t actually interested in.

I’d be more direct, less careful.

Turning the thought around: It is not horrible if someone thinks I screwed them. It is OK if someone doesn’t like me, or considers me to be unreliable, or disappointing. Or doesn’t like something I do, or change, or give.

Could this be just as true?

Phew.

I suddenly realize I’m engaged in that Ego Maintenance Program, again. Trying so very hard to do it the “right” way. Not trusting the process. Not allowing Reality to handle this situation.

How is it just as true, or even truer, that someone thinks poorly of me?

I have no idea what’s in their better interest, or what they need. As a very wise mentor said to me, people get exactly what they need. Trust and let go.

Turning it around again: it is horrible if I think I screwed someone, or I did it wrong.

True. I just about had a heart attack because I agreed I was the one who did it badly, made a mistake, hurt someone, didn’t measure up. It didn’t work out so well for me, and ultimately not for them, either.

A final turnaround: it’s horrible if I think THEY screwed me, they did it wrong, they over-reacted.

So true. I reacted with great seriousness, I joined right in to the story of needing to help them and fix their upset, caring deeply about someone’s opinion, getting into their business, believing in their desperation.

There was no one home. Everyone in that scenario (in my head) was believing the world was disappointing, that the world is not a friendly place in that particular story.

A story in which Reality is a place where you have to do things you don’t want to do in order to keep peace. You have to go through pain and suffering in order to find solutions. You get tricked or mistaken and it’s hard. You don’t get what you really want or need, or someone else doesn’t. You can do it wrong and hurt other people.

Wow.

What a dreadful story to believe.

And all that really happened was: people expressed in writing how much they cared, how much they loved. They were honest and passionate. They were so kind as to share with me how they were feeling and to ask for what they wanted, speak what they were looking for, be REAL (unlike me, in that situation).

They were showing me what I needed to take in, deeply and simply.

“I don’t know what’s best for me or you or the world. I don’t try to impose my will on you or on anyone else. I don’t want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That’s true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

I don’t want to convert anyone into loving, appreciating or approving of me. I don’t want to help or change or improve anyone else.

Those dear people-who-didn’t-attend-the-canceled-retreat let me find the way to this gentler reality. Brilliant teachers. Honestly themselves. Showing me what I am not responsible for, and what they are equally not responsible for.

The way the story continued?

My husband made a few calls to management of the airlines, waited on hold, gave medical information about the father of my son, and arranged for full credit for the airfare with no penalty for the people.

The graduation was beautiful.

And I learned how I am not required to fret, worry, change, bend over backwards, say yes when it’s a sacrifice, twist myself, over-extend, give too much….

….to be safe from the terrible risk of being considered a bad person…..by me.

Not possible.

And if I think it is…..The Work.

Much love,

Grace