Tag: Byron Katie

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The Incredible Gift of Criticism

A woman came to see me to work for awhile on her relationship with her husband.

They had been married for over twenty years.

She had thoughts like this….you may be able to relate:

  • he is completely self-absorbed
  • he doesn’t care about me
  • he was mean, rude, harsh
  • he shouldn’t have acted like that
  • he is soooooo judgmental
Yesterday the Friday YOI (Year of Inquiry) questioned this exact same last thought.

That person is so judgmental. They shouldn’t be! Especially about ME for crying out loud! But even about other people….so critical!

Well. Slowing down. Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that the person in question is judgey? Is it true he is hyper-critical? Are you positive they don’t try to understand your point of view?

YES.

I remember a friend of mine from many, many years ago. Red hair. I considered her intense, powerful, funny and a genuinely good person. But certainly opinionated. Not afraid to say it.

One day….she started talking about her boyfriend. AGAIN.

He’s passive, low sex drive, boring and not romantic enough, selfish and unambitious.

(Can’t she give it a rest?)

I’ve told her before that she might stand in his shoes a little, maybe relax about all her expectations….he seems like a pretty good man. I told her about the Four Agreements…..like for example Be Impeccable With Your Word.

She didn’t get the hint.

Is it true that she is hyper-critical, judgmental and controlling when it comes to her boyfriend?

Yes, she never stops criticizing, in this situation!!

How do I react when I think its true, when I believe she’s a little scary, a little too bossy, too critical, ripping her own partner to shreds?

I retreat. I act really nice. I am easy-going, supportive, a good friend. I try to “help”. Disappointed that whatever I say is not really heard.

Who would I be without that thought, though?

Immediately, I see someone who is nervous, has a lot of energy, wants something, thinks she doesn’t have it. I see someone furious, stressed, frightened.

Someone believing her thoughts about partners, boyfriends and herself.

“Criticism is an immense gift for those who are interested in self-realization. For those who aren’t, welcome to hell, welcome to being at war with your partner, your neighbors, your children, your boss. When you open your arms to criticism, you are your own direct path to freedom, because you can’t change us or what we think about you…..After you’ve done inquiry for a while, you can listen to any criticism without defense or justification, openly, delightedly. It’s the end of trying to control what can’t be controlled: other peoples’ perception.” ~ Byron Katie

WOW.

Not only have I had trouble listening to criticism of me without defense, or fear, or justification…heh heh….but I’ve even not listened to my good friend criticizing her boyfriend, without judging HER.

I turn the thoughts around: she is judgmental and she should be.

I mean, so far in this entire story, every single person has been judgmental. It appears that’s the way of it.

That’s how we enter The Work.

Thank you judgments, thank you criticism, thank you vicious words, thank you meanness, thank you harshness, thank you everyone, thank you everyone.

Much love, Grace

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When You Want To Say No But Can’t

I can’t tell him.  

My client welled up with tears, almost unable to speak. She choked on her words, and sobbed. “I didn’t sleep all night.” Her boyfriend of five years had to move since the place he rented was sold by the owner. She knew she didn’t want him to move in with her.

She also knew he would be very hurt if she told him the truth.

Giving someone “bad” news, before you even deliver it, can wreak havoc on the nervous system if you have a lot of beliefs about Not Hurting Other Peoples’ Feelings.

Never hurt other people. Ever!

This means if they have a look on their face that could be interpreted as sad, upset, irritated, angry, frightened, anxious or devastated….

….then that feeling needs to be eradicated inside that other person ASAP.

Especially if YOU had anything to do with it.

So if you know that the other person is going to cry, or feel terrified, or get disappointed about something you are thinking or something you want to say, then you better be quiet and slip out the back door.

Heh Heh. Not that I can relate or anything.

It is quite terrible to have three opposing thoughts running as very deep, maybe very old beliefs at the same time: 1) It’s terrible to hurt someone’s feelings, 2) I want to say NO, 3) If I say NO it will hurt his feelings.

Here we go round the mulberry bush, loop-dee-loop roller-coaster.

Stop this thing, I wanna get off!

Let’s do The Work.

“I can hurt someone’s feelings if I say NO.”

Is that true?

Yes. I saw his face. I know it.

Can you absolutely 100% beyond-any-doubt know it?

No. It appears that life goes on for most people even when they receive a “no”. It’s a simple answer. They get to move on to the next thing. They take as long as they take. It’s quite complicated sometimes. Maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with me. At all.

How do you react when you believe that he can be hurt by you saying NO?

Bottled up like a cork going around on a Disney Land ride that never quits. Dizzy and sick.

Who would you be without the thought that saying no is hurtful?

Really? Wow. Liberating.

“Give me a peaceful reason to believe this insane idea that you could have that much influence over anyone….As long as you think that it’s compassionate for human beings, and loving, to believe that you can hurt someone….that’s crazy where I come from. I don’t have that power.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thought around: I can’t hurt someone’s feelings with my NO. I can hurt my own feelings with their NO.

Ooh.

That person over there, who I love dearly, and who hears my NO is actually filtering this answer through an entire history and world of past experience. I can sit here and cherish them, and know they are fine even though my answer is NO.

Once, a father and daughter came to see me to do The Work. They were remarkable in their honesty and love for each other. The daughter did a worksheet on her dad. She was upset that he said NO to giving her financial support, and he clearly had it to give.

But with a loving heart he spoke what appeared to be deeply true for him. “I love you and want you to find your own way with money.”

They hugged a long, tender hug at the end of the powerful session. The truth was spoken.

Everyone lived.

And then there’s me and all the times I myself got all freaked out when someone said no, or even appeared to say no.

God forbid, they are saying no to MOI? Shocking!

Yeah, I have taken other peoples’ NO’s personally. I thought it meant something about ME. Something bad. Gosh, could it be mistaken thinking?

“When you believe the thought that anyone should love you, that’s where the pain begins. I often say, ‘If I had a prayer, it would be: God spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.” ~ Byron Katie

It is not terrible to hurt someone’s feelings. It is terrible to hurt my own feelings (especially by faking yes when I really mean no). I can hurt someone’s feelings by saying YES when I really mean NO.

All those turnarounds are truer!

“God permits you to be happy no matter what or when. Nature permits you to be happy no matter what or when. The only permission you need is yours to be happy all the time.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico

Happy when people say no to me, happy when I say no to people, happy when I say no to myself.

Maybe it is all OK, even if someone feels hurt, even if you have felt hurt. Maybe it is healing, not really “hurting”.

Now go forth and say no! Unless it’s yes.

Much love, Grace

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If You Keep Lying Down, You’ll Drown

Recently a client was telling me about their experience taking EST trainings in the 1980s.

(I took these trainings, too! Twice!)

There was a component at the beginning of the training where a list of agreements were given to all the participants.

Where to put your name badge, compliance around when to leave the room, how the structure of the program will unfold, the consequences of lateness.

The leader said that we would go over these “rules” but no one should agree to them unless they had all their questions answered, and were in total and complete 100% agreement at the core of their being with every rule on the list.

I can’t remember if that’s the exact way they put it, but you get the idea. Don’t agree to a commitment that you could break.

For my client who was looking back at her experience taking EST, that was noooooo problemo. It wasn’t for me either, at the time.

Those are the rules? OK then. I can do that. You got it. If that’s what you need, to get on with this, I have zero objection.

But then the Other People.

Good lord, seriously? Someone else is raising their hand to bring up a point about the stupidity of “having” to wear your name tag in the top right side quadrant of your torso?

Just put your name tag there, you moron, you’re making us all wait forever! I have to go to the bathroom, jeez!

(Internal eyes rolling. This would be over by now if not for all these petty objections, and we could get on with this and get into the actual program).

What I didn’t realize at the time, being one of the youngest, most immature people there, was that it WAS the program.

My strategy was already cemented in place about rules, regulations, control, patience, and waiting.

The most low-key, acceptable way to handle being in an environment where someone else wanted everything to be ordered, smooth, or controlled, where they were telling you what to do, and where someone had lots of expectations….

….was to Just Do It.

I thought of myself as the most patient wait-er. I was calm, collected and not a problem child. I was not selfish, I would be good and helpful.

If I had to wait until the world ended, fine.

Be that way!

Well….that approach has brought on some serious passivity in my life that has felt hopeless, unhappy, despairing and deadly. A kind of giving up.

But the other day, I recognized it as a very, very subtle but tricky little idea that still lived inside of me.

I realized that sometimes, I still believed the opposite of making an effort, pushing, grinding, pressing on, competing and trying to “win”….was to lie down on the floor.

Quit trying. The effort clearly doesn’t work. So give up. Wait for all the dorks to come to their senses. Maybe they’ll approach ME.

Now, before you think you can’t relate and you’re never compliant, or that you try to be a good team member, or are passive at your own expense (feeling superior to others) consider your spiritual path, your inner spiritual life.

I will sit in meditation and wait, since I am now practicing No Effort.

Since Reality, God, Bliss, Enlightenment, Money, Love or Joy do not show up and stick around forever….

….I guess I’ll just accept All This as a big chaotic mess. Kinda bummer. But that’s OK, I’m not complaining. Heh heh.

The awesome thing about doing The Work is that you are SUPPOSED to complain. What a relief. Finally you can go for it.

Time for some investigation!

Is it true that you have to wait? For that thing you want?

Holy Moly! What?!?!

Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?

Dang.

Pause.

YES! Show me the Money! Show me the Lightening Bolt! Unveil my clouded eyes! My phone isn’t ringing…hello?! (You can bang the phone on the table for extra dramatic effect while shaking your fist at the sky).

OK, but do you absolutely know that YOU have to WAIT? All of you? Your thinking? Your body? Is the silence you hear actually a form of waiting? Are you SURE?

Who would you be if you did not have to wait for what you really want?

Just pretend. If you couldn’t even have that thought, who would you be? What would you say, do, feel right now?

What if you aren’t missing something, or waiting to get to the real meat of the program?

Give it a moment. It’s just a suggestion.

You. Do. Not. Have. To. Wait.

See if it could be as true or truer than the original, stressful thought.

“You find yourself lying on the bottom of the ocean with your face in the sand, and even though all the sand is going up your nose and into your mouth and your eyes and ears, you stand up and you begin walking again. Then the next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you’ll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller. That’s how karma works. If you keep lying down, you’ll drown.” ~ Pema Chodron

Wow, I do not have to lie down, hold back, reel it in, keep my cards as close to the chest as possible and stay in a hidey hole?

All I know is, right now in this moment, without waiting, a surge of excitement goes through me that’s so thrilling and unexplainable, I feel like Tigger towards the universe.

You know, the very enthusiastic almost annoying tiger in Winnie The Pooh?

JOY!

Turn the thought around again: my thinking has to wait.

Yes, it’s always sure it’s being left behind, or competing, or not given enough, you know? Never quite right. More, around the corner.

Boy, thinking loves to spin a good story.

“Have you ever felt that you really didn’t like being here very much and that you wanted some wonderful eternal experience? That’s what is often thought but not said when the teacher says, “Be here right now.” Inside you are feeling, “I am here, and I don’t like being here. I want to be there, where enlightenment is.”~ Adyashanti

Right here, in this waiting space, this moment with all those people asking all their questions and getting all their needs met…..maybe YOU have question, too?

And if you really don’t, how intriguing all theirs are, how fascinating. Is this moment NOW the wonderful, eternal experience you’ve been waiting for?

It might be.

Check to see.

If it isn’t, write down why not and get to work, don’t wait.

And if you’re ready to get into it with a group, come join us at Breitenbush. The fresh air, the warmth of the hot springs, the fabulous food, the mind getting to answer superb and expansive questions.

You can find your answers.

Get up again, don’t lie down!

Everything is waiting for YOU. Now that’s the ultimate turnaround!

TIGGER BOUNCE!

Much love, Grace

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Retreat Into The Work of Byron Katie

Only four spaces left for Breitenbush Hotsprings so we’re extending the Early Bird registration for $100 off until May 5th, tomorrow. There are only a few cabins left, and tent platform space (mild and gorgeous this time of year).

It’s an amazingly inexpensive way to spend time in a pristine, old growth forest and natural hot springs spa. The food is exquisite, vegetarian, vegan, raw, organic, home cooked. The grounds smell like heaven. Wild rhododendrons grow in the forest that time of year. The mineral hotsprings are soothing and healing.

People are happy, the staff is superb and helpful, and there are no distractions. No cell phone service, no internet.

That may sound frightening at first (no internet?!) but if you plan for it and enter the inner forest sanctum, with fellow inquirers….WOW.

You may feel the tension and stress, as you enter this place, surface, and finally have a long-awaited conversation with you.

When this kind of direct conversation and inquiry happens, in a very safe environment, who knows what might shift afterwards.

Join me, and my nurturing and experienced co-facilitator Susan Grace Beekman. We can’t wait to inquire with you, through the places you’re stuck or concerned.

Wherever you’re arguing with reality.

As Susan and I say, “Declare Peace”. That’s what you’re doing anyway, as you live your life on this path, right? This time of retreat is for entering that space within where peace doesn’t seem as easy to declare as you were hoping.

Come do The Work with us and the group, and get reinforced in your journey. Call Breitenbush to reserve: 503.854.7174, 503.854.3320, 3321, or 3314. If you leave a message, they’ll call you back.

If you know its right for you, call them quick. We’ll be sold out soon.

“I need to be silent for awhile. Worlds are forming in my heart.” ~ Meister Eckhart (1260-1328).

Yesterday I got to spend four hours with an absolutely wonderful group of inquirers doing a mini retreat where we all do The Work from start to finish.

The rain pattered hard on the roof, spattering against the two window skylights in the kitchen. Outside, wet spring rain. Inside, cozy tea, friends, and inquiry.

Breitenbush is like that too….only More and Longer. We start with a core, powerful session, just like yesterday, where we take a slow swan dive into a situation we find very unpleasant.

Or completely horrible.

But then we examine our concepts, one by one, and watch the new ones come to the surface, like something stuck and unconscious in the underworld, is finally given the space to see the light.

I always find, every time, that working with the energy of the group, my path is clearer.

Like Frodo gathering companions on his transformational journey, we declare together that we’re going.

And off we go. Into unknown territory.

As one mini-retreat participant said yesterday so beautifully “I have felt stuck doing The Work by myself….but I got something here today, something profound. Doing The Work with others is so deeply helpful.”

“Meditation, answering the four questions that make up The Work as we sit, eyes closed, still, mind open like a child to the old wisdom, the uninvited hidden unknown known, invite it to surface.

Watch, it will show you the answers through the wisdom that lies beyond what you are believing, and your emotional dysfunction will lessen each time, as will your fear, and eventually you are enlightened to the cause of all suffering and each thing seen is seen through the eyes of God, brilliant.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Nothing Is Impossible For You

The other day, I was watching a short video by a young man who started a daily blog some years ago….

….who is now so successful, he was on Oprah last year as a representative of the next generation of personal development teachers.

(His name is Mastin Kipp).

While I don’t know him personally, I have met more successful, interesting, movers-and-shakers sorts of people in the past couple of years than I ever knew before.

I started thinking about how funny that we humans have celebrities, those we admire and are inspired by.

Admiring someone is generally a very joyful experience. There they are, being themselves, and WE feel different just by hearing them, being in their presence, watching how they relate to others, feeling their energy.

I’ve been to personal growth workshops in the past where I was asked to consider who I hold in great esteem, who I trust, love, and feel very grateful for, past or present.

Some of the people on my list are the very same as on other peoples’ lists: Gandhi, Byron Katie, Adyashanti, Martin Luther King, Oprah, Martha Graham, Pema Chodron, Desmond Tutu, Cheri Huber, Jesus.

Now think about yourself and how you measure up to all those others. If you entered a room where they were all hanging out, talking, laughing, being….

….how would you feel?

There is a good reason I bring this up. Trust me. It’s called COMPARISON.

It happens.

So I’m watching Mastin and his adorable and sincere manner, and suddenly the thought enters: I’m old enough to be his mother.

I’ll never be on Oprah.

Too late.

I don’t have much time.

I dinked around so long having emotional and spiritual crises, addictive behavior, was insecure, unstable, low confidence, that I lost my chance to be a STAR.

Of course, I had to chuckle about one second later. But you may find these kinds of thoughts stick around awhile, and don’t feel so hot.

Let’s take a look.

You should have started sooner, been more confident, gotten it together, and succeeded by now……you are not as successful as you could be.

Is that true?

Yes! I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER!

(That’s a famous Marlon Brando scene from On The Waterfront. Say it with a thick New York accent).

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you’re not successful YET, that you need to be more, better, bigger, different?

Are you positive your story-line needs improvement?

Even if you’re starting from scratch after a huge life transition. Even if you just got divorced, or found out you have cancer. Even if you thought you’d have “x” in your bank account by now, but instead you’re in debt.

Are you sure you failed to Get There? That you’re not living up to your potential, or being the Best You Could Be?

No.

This story may be unfolding at just the right pace, the right time, in the right manner.

But even if you said YES….keep going with your investigation of this kind of stressful thinking.

How do you react when you believe you aren’t where you COULD be? You’re aren’t as successful as THAT person over there?

Fists clenched. Working past midnight. Thinking I need to “catch up”. Anxious. Tired. Discouraged. Why bother.

Not very happy in this present moment. Images of all those amazing, incredible people who I’ve admired, and how far, far away I am from being like any of them.

Sad day.

So who would you be without the belief that you’re too late? Too old? Not accomplishing? Not meeting your top potential NOW?

Curious. Instead of feeling like a deflated balloon, I stand up. I think about writing some of my admirers a letter. I join groups that are full of awesome, interesting people. I watch my intimidated feeling turn into excitement, without the belief that I don’t cut it here.

“Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.” ~ Byron Katie 

I turn the thoughts around to the opposites.

I am the best I could be, this here is excellent, I am right on time, I am on Oprah right this minute (doesn’t it make you laugh out loud for the fun of it, just to pretend? Why not?!)

This is my own STAR television show, right here, as I write these words. I am a great success, greater than ever I imagined. Life is strange, unusual, full of turns and twists and thick plots that I could have NEVER thought up on my own.

Or maybe I could have thought them up (eye twinkle).

I AM A CONTENDER!

(Remember, New York accent).

“The forward step is always moving ahead, always trying to attain what you want, whether it’s a material possession or inner peace. The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, striving and more striving, always looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

Can I simply rest here, now in this present moment, without believing that I missed out on something, or need to get somewhere by next week?

Phew. Yeah. I can do that.

Do you think you’ll be more successful tomorrow if you relax your comparisons today, or crank them up?

See what I mean?

“For governing a country well there is nothing better than moderation. The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way. Nothing is impossible for him. Because he has let go, he can care for the people’s welfare as a mother cares for her child.” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

Much love, Grace

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How To Stop Resisting and Persisting

What you resist, persists.

I know you’ve heard that phrase before.

What about when a friend says it to you, right after you’ve just spilled your guts (for the 100th time about the same thing)?

I know, I know! What I resist, persists! I’m TRYING to stop resisting here, but it’s HAAAAAARD!

(Picture someone wiggling around wearing a straightjacket, their face turning red).

Yesterday in the Year of Inquiry group, we investigated the belief “this situation (or person, place, maybe you) requires fixing”.

Sometimes, we have the same kinds of thoughts, over and over again. We’d like to change, but don’t know how.

Gosh, it really needs fixing. It needs to become different. ASAP.

Here are some really, really common resistant moments and experiences that people have written to me about, or worked with me in addressing.

I’ve gone through every single one.

  • Eating too much, especially at night when alone
  • Bouncing checks or not having enough money
  • Complaining about your career
  • Telling yourself you should be exercising more
  • Thinking about your ex-partner
  • Criticizing your current partner
  • Worrying about your kid(s)

These thoughts come along about your work, your life, your spouse, your activities, your money, your spiritual life, your success.

Then you say “I’M AGAINST THIS! DOWN WITH THIS SITUATION!”

If you go down the Resistance Path….which assumes you need to fix it….

…..here’s what I find always happens: You attack the thing or situation outside of yourself, you attack YOU for being involved in the first place, you feel lousy, you hate it, you make a plan to change, it doesn’t, you attack the situation or thing outside yourself, you attack yourself….

….you get the picture. Merry-go-round.

No Freedom. No peace.

In war, resistance is considered the opposing force. In psychiatry, resistance is never wanting to bring something dark and secretive or unconscious into consciousness. In biological science, resistant diseases can’t be attacked or broken apart.

It’s tight, tense, scheming, full of plans.

Let’s do The Work and inquire.

Pick just one of those places in your life that you notice bugs you, more than once, and probably a whole lot.

I’m completely against this situation. This relationship. This person. This job.

Is it true, that you’re against it?

YES! Duh! Who wouldn’t be? I can show you my proof and tell you my difficult story.

Can you be absolutely sure that you’re against this, the whole shebang? Are you positive that there is NOTHING to like, nothing serving you, nothing helpful, in this activity, this person, this job, or this dynamic?

When I used to binge-eat many years ago, at the beginning of my healing journey if you had asked me if there was anything helpful about having an eating disorder, I would have said “No! What are you, nuts?!”

But can you be absolutely 100% positive that everything about this repetitive situation….your complaints about that person, dreaming about your past, obsessing about your future, repeating the same thing many times (like addiction)….can you be sure you hate it? That you’re entirely against it?

No.

This is really important to notice.

When I ate, I’d get distracted, I’d feel comfort, I’d switch channels, I’d calm down, I’d tune out.

So I wasn’t completely and totally against binge-eating. I could have barely admitted it. But that was truer.

How do you react when you believe you are against something!? When you believe that the way to peace is to fight, defend, bolster yourself up, justify yourself, build an army, make a plan? When you believe this situation requires fixing, it is broken?

I react with great aggression towards myself, or towards others. Even if its all on the inside. It’s like a storm, internally.

When I hold resistance to anything or anyone, or any moment, any feeling, any circumstance….

….I feel terrible, sad, urgent. I call myself an idiot. I notice how stuck I am.

I lash out at other people. Or clam up. Give up.

“Self-hate encourages you to judge, then it beats you for judging. You judge someone else and it’s simply self-hate projected outward, then you get to use it back on yourself when you beat yourself for judging! We call this ‘Heads you lose, tails you lose.'” ~ Cheri Huber

So who would you be without the thought that you MUST resist this thing? Without the belief that you are against this situation, or yourself, or that person?

Who would you be if you were a tree, that simply stands there, rooted very deeply into the ground, bending with the wind?

Who would you be without the belief that you have to do something about this pesky situation? You have to fight, destroy, change or end it?

No war. No resistance.

It’s pretty counter-intuitive in many ways. The mind wants to make a goal, get a plan together. Form a posse.

It will tell you “I must quit smoking” or “I absolutely have to stop overeating” or “this job sucks”.

We already know how you react when you believe you have to resist something in order to make it end.

You lose.

So what is the opposite, to your thoughts of resistance?

I want this to keep going, this situation is working somehow in some weird way, I am not against this, there are advantages to this situation occurring in my life….

…I LOVE THIS!

Well, OK, maybe you can’t quite say you love it…but can you not hate it?

I’m in favor of this situation. I’m FOR it.

How could that be true?

For me all those binge-eating episodes and anxiety-ridden experiences showed me where I was confused, missing something, lost. They inspired the most incredible lifetime journey, still unfolding, of brightening reality.

A profound journey unlike anything I could ever imagine was going to happen.

Find out why you might be in favor of that thing you thought you were against.

Notice what it feels like, in your body, to not resist it.

You may not know what you need to do next….but in this exact moment, doesn’t that feel better to lay down your arms?

That’s the beginning. Let it be the way it is.

You got this.

“A lover of what is looks forward to everything: life, death, disease, loss, earthquakes, bombs, anything the mind might be tempted to call ‘bad’. Life will bring us everything we need, to show us what we haven’t undone yet. Nothing outside ourselves can make us suffer. Except for our unquestioned thoughts, every place is paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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He’s Asking Too Much–Is It True?

It’s only two months now until the Breitenbush Annual summer retreat immersion in The Work.

If you register by this Thursday, May 1st, it’s only $395 for tuition. You add lodging and meals based on your own preference.

To sign up call Breitenbush on the phone at 503-854-7174. The reservation desk is open, even if the campus is not, so listen carefully to their outgoing message and press the right buttons to get connected.

Speaking of ancient old-fashioned ways of making reservations….

….I’m in love with my new smart phone.

If a phone can do what this phone does (it talks to me when it can tell I’m moving in car, so I’m hands-free, wow)…

…then one would think that registering for ANYTHING should be easy.

The other day I took a six hour CEU (Certified Education Units) training for my certification in counseling in Washington state entitled “Mental Health Ethics in the Digital Age”.

As our brilliant lecturer began the program and asked everyone what devices they used and whether or not they had websites, the range of answers was enormous.

Someone shouted from the back of the room that she would NEVER sign up for facebook. Later on I taught her about Instagram and Snapchat, which I learned from my teens.

I thought she was going to have a heart attack. (We laughed!)

People get fired up about social media and doing things online, getting information stolen or interrupted or spied on. Many people are oriented towards face-to-face contact or talking on the phone rather than email or chat room.

It’s really interesting noticing a little stabbing judgy thoughts about people, new technology and devices and programs, and what they should or should not be doing.

A man wrote me recently asking to please send information to his P.O. Box about the Breitenbush retreat. No email or phone number.

I wondered what information, exactly? I have a ton of information already on my website, and on www.thework.com events, and on facebook events.

Can’t you get it there?

I must confess, I resisted.

Send a physical written letter thing? Jeez, what a lot of unnecessary work! In this day and age? He must be 100 years old!

(Gosh, could it be that sometimes, the information I list out there online might be a little hard to find, or confusing, or—gasp—incorrect?)

Well. It’s a little embarrassing to admit I didn’t want to write a postcard, but this is worthy of The Work.

Because everything is.

It’s kinda like the same as getting all worked up about traffic, or interruptions, or losing your dollars in the vending machine….

….is it true, that this question requires an inconvenient action? Is it true that giving a response is a hassle?

No.

It took me less than five minutes to send a postcard today, to the requested address.

Is it true that I would know what that person’s motivation, age, situation or personality is like, who is making this request?

People who get enraged at traffic often think they know what the drivers are like: rude, unconscious, unsafe, distracted.

But can you know that this is true?

Can you be SURE that you know whatever you think you know about the questioner?

Not at all.

How do you react when you believe the thought that someone is asking you for something inconvenient, or something that is “making” you expend extra energy?

Well, heck, the way I react is I dismiss them. I think they’re irritants. I want to ignore them, get away from them.

Sometimes people feel this way at work. Someone asks them to complete something new, different, extra, unusual.

What a pain-in-the-ass!

Fume fume fume.

Maybe you do a poor job, just to make them sorry. So they never ask you again.

But who would you be if you couldn’t even have the thought that his request is a hassle? That her question was stupid? That their complaint is frightening? That she asks for too much?

“There isn’t any hell or heaven except for how we relate to our world. Hell is just resistance to life. When you want to say no to the situation you’re in, it’s fine to say no, but when you build up a big case to the point where you are so convinced that you would draw your sword and cut off someone’s head, that kind of resistance to life is hell.” ~ Pema Chodron

I may not have a sword….but my mind is shooting daggers. This is not really that different.

In fact, I see that if I can notice this internal stab, it’s a lot easier to soften, relax and surrender and take the most natural next step.

Like send a simple postcard to someone I never met.

Then, it never turns into war. I use my intuition, I respond.

Yes. No. Not right now. Maybe later. Pause. Wait. Yes.

I turn the thoughts around: Breitenbush should reserve only by phone and appear to be closed a lot, that man is not asking for too much, they aren’t hassling me, it is not difficult, I don’t know what they are thinking… 

I follow the simple directions.

It’s very efficient. And much easier.

Even fun.

Heck, now I’m thinking I could have written more. I could have printed out something from my website and sent it. Ha ha, it moved the way it did.

Gently.

“When you think that someone or something other than yourself needs to change, you’re mentally out of your business.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love,

Grace

 

 

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You Can Love Your Mind

This past week, and many other times before, I’ve talked with truly honest and genuine inquirers who say this:

I am soooo angry, I am furious, I hate everything, I’m mad at my mate, my child, the traffic, my friends, everyone’s annoying, I am just so freakin’ judgmental, I can’t stand my own mind!

When you have this experience, and view the world through these pissy-irritable glasses, it’s not exactly fun.

Like a committee of screaming voices in the head that go from zero to hate in about one-quarter second.

Then you feel anxious, you hate yourself and your own thinking, and you lose.

As Byron Katie says….100% of the time. You lose.

You know it, right?

The loss feels horrible, you get depressed, explosive, you act ways you’d rather not act, you say snappy things to people you love, you become one of those negative complaining sorts.

The kind of person you don’t want to be.

I once was very close friends with someone who was exceptionally critical (my assessment, but he agreed).

We had long, long conversations about anger, death, what made us nervous, what we wanted, what was upsetting about life.

I noticed that this friend would often be at war with his own mind, hating the way it worked, trying to find a cure for his judgmental nature.

He should relax, he should calm down, he should stop being so critical, he is really afraid, he is so nervous and suspicious about everything under the sun…..

….but was that true?

Yes! He would feel a thousand percent better if he just chilled out a little, jeez. He should grow up, what a baby! He keeps wanting everything to be perfect, and it never will be. 

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

Can I absolutely know he should stop having a mind like that, stop judging, stop carrying on, stop criticizing, stop being so horribly mean and nasty towards everyone and everything?

Yes! I’m positive he’d have a better life, and so would everyone around him!

But wait.

Maybe judgment, criticism and nastiness all exist for a reason…..they are part of reality, after all.

Maybe he needs to be just as judgmental and rude as he is, for reasons I don’t even know.

I’ve felt that mean and critical before. I’ve been enraged, bossy, controlling.

Sigh. It may not be absolutely true that he shouldn’t be like that.

I know how I react when I believe the thought that anyone should be different, including MY OWN MIND.

I want order! I command that things go my way NOW!

It’s quite hopeless. Have you ever ordered your own mind to stop being so judgmental? Has it worked?

Who would I be without that thought? Without even being able to think that idea that he shouldn’t be so critical?

I wait, to answer this question. It takes a moment.

Without the thought that for the benefit of all, he should be different?

Dang. That is one mind-altering, crazy different way to look at this.

But I realize, I’d be…..less angry. Lighter. I might move away from him, towards a quieter place under the trees. I might give him a hug and tell him I care about him.

If he pushed me away, I would not take it personally. I might realize he’s feeling the way I’ve felt so many times before. I’d leave him alone.

“It is in the arena of personal relationships that the illusion of a separate self clings most tenaciously and insidiously. Indeed, there is nothing that derails more spiritual seekers than the grasping at and attaching to personal relationships.” ~ Adyashanti

I turn the thoughts around to the opposites: he should NOT stop being the judgy way he’s being, he should keep on doing what he’s doing, I should stop being the way I am being when I’m looking at him, I should stop being so critical of myself.

Could I allow my own critical mind, and his critical mind….to be as they are? No need to change them?

No need to fix anything. At all. Whatsoever.

Including my own mental analysis, criticism, judgment and overwhelm.

Inside I feel an inner sobbing, a welling up of release, freedom, letting go, defeat, surrender.

Acceptance of all that is, including criticisms and judgments and Huge Committee Voices that appear to attack the world non-stop, whether in his head or my own.

“All that happiness is already supplied. But the unquestioned mind is so loud, you don’t realize the happiness underneath the mind.” ~ Byron Katie 

Today, if you could really sit with the ultimate turnarounds to the thoughts that generate out like a machine when you’re upset, anxious about the future, disappointed about the past…

….could the opposites be as true, or truer, than your original beliefs?

I am soooo supported, I am ecstatic, I love everything, I’m connected to my mate, my child, the traffic, my friends, everyone’s incredible, I am just so freakin’ accepting, I absolutely love my own mind!

Wow.

I love my own mind?

Why not?

“You know why I care about loving someone? It hurts until I do. I am someone who knows the difference between what hurts and what doesn’t. I discovered what masochism really is, and that discovery left me as someone who loves you…..If you hate me, you hate you. If you love me, you love you.” ~ Byron Katie 

Today, I love my own mind. I love that it is such a busy-bee.

I notice that when I love it, instead of waging war on it for being a judgment machine….

….it gets much, much quieter.

And sort of, well, friendly.

“All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors.” ~ Nisargadatta

Much love, Grace

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Every Loss Has To Be A Gain

When a beloved furry pet dies, it can feel very sad.

Several people have written me lately about their animal friends dying, and feeling grief, depression, regret.

I haven’t had a pet as an adult…but I understand the welling up of tears and all the thoughts that start to churn that may turn out to feel stressful.

  • I miss him
  • I should have done more with her
  • If only I had known that was his last day
  • her life was too short
  • I could have done better

Funny how when something is “lost” and the life of that animal, or person even, is over….we sometimes want to reach back and grab for more.

More time, more cuddles, more conversations, more intimacy.

A dear inquirer who recently lost a little cat noticed thoughts of guilt entering her mind….

….if I had known she was going to die, I would have let her eat more food and enjoy more pleasures, not been so strict.

Let’s take a look at this difficult thought that can appear with loss of someone you love, whether a pet or a person.

I could have done better. 

Is that true?

Are you sure?

Because you only knew what you knew, in that previous moment. You know a little more now, here in this moment. What if you weren’t supposed to know it back then?

The mind may argue….“but I DID kind of know. I should have paid attention, I should have followed my intuition, I knew I could do better, I could have been more clear, honest, aware, trusting, astute, kind…”

Are you really sure you could have done better? Are you 100% positive that you should have known what you didn’t know, or decided what you didn’t decide?

Many years ago, I became pregnant, and after terrible agonizing, had an abortion.

When asked later in life what I believed to be the absolute worst thing I had ever done, the thing I felt most guilt about…..it was that.

I had never known prior to that experience what post-traumatic stress syndrome might be like. I was beside myself with grief and regret. I was sick for days. It stayed with me for a decade. I was shocked by my own dreadful thoughts towards myself. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for years.

One of the first Byron Katie events I ever went to, a woman stood up and said it out loud. She regretted having an abortion.

I still felt so much shame, I couldn’t believe this woman told the same story, publicly, holding a microphone!

But as Katie asked her to question her beliefs, to do The Work, something shifted inside about this thing called “regret”.

In the dictionary, regret is defined as the sorrow about the loss of opportunity.

Ah, there’s the rub.

The image of the future or past (which is actually false and does not exist) where opportunity lives, or used to live.

Now, not only is this life lost, but this imagined and vivid alternate opportunity. The one where the person or animal I care about is alive, or happy.

Over and over again, in the distant past, I imagined the birthdate, the gender, the life of this child that never was.

Deep torture.

Who would I be without that thought, that I could have done better?

“You can’t let go of a stressful thought, because you didn’t create it in the first place. A thought just appears. You’re not doing it. You can’t let go of what you have no control over. Once you’ve questioned the thought, you don’t let go of it, IT lets go of YOU. It no longer means what you thought it meant.” ~ Byron Katie

Imagine who you would be without the belief that you could have done better. Because it’s possible that what you’re thinking NOW is imagination, too.

Without that thought?

Freedom, acceptance for this self that is beyond knowing. Peace far, far past all the stuff I think.

A great feeling of everything being exceptionally well and very strange and mysterious.

I turn the thought around: I could not have done any better. I did the best I possibly could.  

How could that be truer?

I can find how that experience drew me into such suffering that the equal and opposite breaking-free became possible. I contemplated short lives, and noticed that every length of life you could ever imagine happens here on planet earth….from a few hours to over 100 years.

I don’t have three children to take care of, I can focus on two.

“Clinging creates the bricks and mortar with which we build a conceptual self.” ~ Michael Singer 

I gave that entity a gift of very little agonizing and suffering, and a return to a place without bodies…somewhere I’ll be again one day.

My life has been filled with so much, this life has not been empty because another life “left” it.

“Every loss has to be a gain, unless the loss is being judged by a confused mind….The simple truth of it is that what happens is the best thing that can happen.” ~ Byron Katie 

What is the gain, in your life?

Much love, Grace

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What To Do About Annoying Interruptions

May 3rd: mini retreat in Seattle, 1:30-5:30 pm at Goldilocks Cottage. Mini retreats offer a power-packed in-depth investigation of a situation you find faulty in your life. You’ll look at what you are against and take it through the four questions. Everyone welcome. You can earn 4 CEUs if you’re a mental health professional. 

Speaking of power-packed in-depth investigations…

The three Year of Inquiry (YOI) groups have been coming up with such juicy, brilliant concepts for questioning. Very universal (they all are, really).

But yesterday morning, we looked at a moment everyone in this world has probably experienced, with varying degrees of disturbance.

Your Peace. Interrupted.

By that other person entering the building, coming home early, yelling loudly, shouting in the crowd, calling you when you’re busy, stopping by unexpectedly, turning on the TV, asking you for something.

Kids, spouses, partners, friends, strangers.

Humans can interrupt you at any time, any moment!! It’s a mine field out there!! Escape for the hills!

The type of interruption we observed was the kind where someone is friendly, exuberant even (one YOI member was investigating her thoughts about a puppy), cute, interested in you, innocent….

…someone you love, who you care about and often spend time with.

Except not right now.

I’m BUSY!! JEEZ!!

Can’t you see I’m trying to “fill-in-the-blank”? (Write, read, meditate, answer emails, talk to someone else).

That little split second of a moment when you want to shut them down, annoyed, angry, wanting to un-do this disturbing moment.

But who would you be without the thought that you are truly disturbed?

Without the thought that having no choice in that moment is a bad thing?

“In most cases, you have no right to demand that this person live up to your expectations; someone else in your place would be exposed to this behavior and would experience no annoyance at all. Just contemplate this truth….How foolish of  you to demand that someone else live up to standards and norms programmed into you.” ~ Anthony de Mello

This does not mean that you never speak up, never make requests. You may move yourself into more pleasant surroundings. There will be a most loving approach, all the way around.

Turning the thought around: My peace is not interrupted.

My peace is never interrupted.

Can you find where this could be truer?

“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old.” ~ Tao Te Ching #55

Don’t read this as a way you are not measuring up….simply notice, contemplate.

Can you let one tiny part of your resistance go? Even just a little teensy eensy bit may make a huge difference next time.

You never know.

Much love, Grace