Grace Notes

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Living Your Turnarounds Feels……Fabulous. Here’s How.

joie_de_vivre
celebrate the wonder of desire

I have had so many questions about my little P.S. a couple of days ago in my Grace Note on Desire and The Work of Byron Katie (and yes, it’ll be a teleclass).

It seems to have struck a chord.

Desire is an amazing feeling when you feel alive, full of integrity, passionate, happy, full of zest and zip, committed, fascinated, following the breadcrumbs through the woods!

Joie de vivre!!

Desire can show up with a deep sincerity in spiritual practice, the spark you have for clarity and connection, the wonder to awaken.

But we really do get weird about desire….at least I sure did.

Stop it! Hold it back! It can get you into trouble!

You need to keep your head on straight!

Sometimes true.

There is the foolish human story of someone following their passion and rushing at a windmill, like Don Quixote.

Or the tragic human story of crimes of passion when someone murders their partner, and commits suicide.

What about desire for drugs, alcohol, food, cigarettes, something sexual, money.

Turning against desire, when following it led to hurt and pain, appears to be one strategy in this human dilemma.

I just won’t go there.

For me, this may offer some stability in a roller coaster of emotion, or relief when you stop hunting down and trying to grab….

….but it wasn’t really freedom.

How can we experience the joy of desire and moving towards what we love, celebrating whatever happens along the way?

Guest what my answer is.

Yah. That’s right.

Inquiry.

It’s all about the stress, ’bout the stress and trouble.

Here’s what I mean.

When you feel desire for something, for a change, for a situation, for an experience, for money, for a person….

….first, allow it to be there.

Why do you want that?

Instead of simply rushing towards it with your lance, riding your horse and wearing a helmet….pause.

What would you have, if you had that thing, person, situation?

I’d be secure! I’d be happy! I’d be free! Life would be easy! I’d be successful! I’d be proud! I’d be at peace! I’d be there!

Are you absolutely SURE you need that thing in order to have what you think you’d have?

As Byron Katie suggests….could you skip the middle man, and have that feeling RIGHT NOW?

Woah.

Have my desired feeling NOW?

You mean….feel peace, joy, happiness, freedom, ease, success, pride, or security….now? 

I noticed, this is what began to happen as I did The Work and entered the turnarounds.

I did not need that thing or person or experience or situation to be the way I thought it should be in order to be happy.

And have you noticed what can happen when you discover the feeling you wanted all along is possible right now, here, in this situation, in this moment (without your demands for it to be different)?

You want to get up and dance.

Or bawl your eyes out.

Or express, share, celebrate, jump, rest, care, hug, honor, be very quiet in amazement.

“Perhaps your hunger to belong is always active and intense because you belonged so totally before you came here. This hunger to belong is the echo and reverberation of your invisible heritage. You are from somewhere else, where you were known, embraced and sheltered. This is also the secret root from which all longing grows. Something in you knows, perhaps remembers, that eternal belonging liberates longing into its surest and most potent creativity. This is why your longing is often wiser than your conventional sense of appropriateness, safety and truth… Your longing desires to take you towards the absolute realization of all the possibilities that sleep in the clay of your heart; it knows your eternal potential, and it will not rest until it is awakened.” ~ John O’Donohue

Today, I love my hunger (most of the time) and bump up against too much intensity in desire, or out-of-integrity desire in far less degrees than I once experienced.

No more damage to myself, no more violence.

Without stress, I notice desire present in unfettered freedom. Ready to sing, or make a cup of tea, or fall into bed after a great day’s work.

“For the thirst to possess your love,
Is worth my blood a hundred times.” ~ Rumi 

If you’d love to learn to live your turnarounds, feel your core desired feelings, then join me on a six week journey into new territory combining The Work and Desire.

We’ll start with what we complain about.

And what isn’t working in our lives in our opinion.

We’ll look at when we don’t feel generous, or we feel fearful.

We’ll take these to inquiry.

We’ll sit with the turnarounds and use our imagination to spend time there, and ask ourselves….

….if I lived with my deepest desire without terror….

….if I lived my turnaround with abandon….

….what would that look like?

What would I do, say, think, feel, be?

Can’t wait to follow this adventure into dissolving painful beliefs, and celebrating desire.

We’ll meet Thursdays 8:30-10 am Pacific Time for 6 weeks starting April 2nd.

“The point of life is happiness.” ~ The Dalai Lama

Love, Grace

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The Surprise When You Stop Trying To Change Yourself

the freedom of not believing you should be different than you are
the freedom of not believing you should be different than you are

Yesterday when I was facilitating in the Parenting teleclass, I heard the lovely step-mom say some familiar words:

“But I know this is really me and my need to change. I am the grown up, I should pull myself together….I already know this isn’t about anyone else.”

Now, that’s basically got an element of truth about it.

It all comes back to us.

We ourselves are the only ones who can actually change. It doesn’t work so much to wish, demand or force someone else to….whether we do it aggressively or more quietly in the background.

It definitely hurts when you’re hoping for someone or something to get better–even your own kids.

You know this, and you wind up feeling bad about yourself almost more than them.

However. 

There’s a trouble spot in this line of thinking.

At worst, it’s called self-hate.

At best, it’s called constructive self-criticism.

But do you notice the deeply stressful thoughts?

I need to change. I did it wrong. I lost my temper. I felt furious. I felt sad. I cried. I got upset. I felt competitive. I was nervous. I shouldn’t act like that. I need improvement. I should be more loving. I should be better.

What if you stopped with that line of thinking….and inquired more deeply into this idea?

Is it really true that you’re doing it badly? Are you sure you need to improve?

Don’t say “yes” so fast!!!

I know the feeling is strong. It’s maybe why you’re interested in doing The Work in the first place.

You’ve got a way of reacting you don’t like, when it comes to your kids, or your eating, or your boss, or money, or your career, or your life.

But instead of attacking yourself for being that way….

….a form of self-hate….

….who would you be, if you stopped insisting you’re wrong?

What if you really used this tough exchange with someone as a wild and learning-filled journey? A practice?

Who would you be without the belief you’re screwed up?

Without the belief that you should have felt something different when you had that exchange with your kid (or whoever) and it would have been better to remain calm?

It’s over now, and it happened.

So now, reflecting back on it, you get to learn with open arms what was going on that brought out your reaction.

And what could be better than discovering a deeper part of you, a part that was buried and needed to come out?

“The thought that life should be different than the way it is now is based on the notion that our peace and well-being is dependent on something happening, on some change. Controlling present situations is a way of trying to bring about peace and contentment later.” ~ Scott Kiloby

What if you turned your ideas about yourself and your need to be different around to the opposite, to try that on for a change?

You should be exactly how you’ve been, so far.

You should not change. Your peace does not depend on you getting rid of your bad thoughts, or fixing your feelings, or being a “better” parent, or doing things differently.

Weird, right?

But when I sit with this, I notice the shame and guilt dissolving. I notice an ease….then even laughter starting to appear.

I notice I’m a regular human, with normal human reactions. And I’m learning, slowly but surely, how these feelings and reactions and activities and behaviors are not ALL of me.

A funny thing happened for me when I relaxed and opened up to what might be OK about me not changing when it came to my rotten temper, or my sour moods, or my low confidence.

Even though that still sounds a little cray-cray.

(Really? NOT try to change? Isn’t that kind of pompous, or dangerous, or snooty or something?)

No.

Because what happened when I stopped that whole self-improvement self-hate cycle was actual change. 

Doh!

“What we are doing in awareness practice is experiencing that who we are is not the self-hating social conditioning. Who we are is the conscious, compassionate awareness that is our essential nature. As we learn to live more from essence, we grow to realize that it is our opportunity, our joy, and our delight to embrace into unconditional love and acceptance all that suffers.” ~ Cheri Huber

Love, Grace

P.S. Relationship Hell to Heaven Class March 23–evening hours Pacific Time (once per year) 5:15-6:45 Tuesdays, 8 weeks. Your most important relationship will improve through this work….the one you have with yourself. Hit reply if you have questions or are interested.

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50 Shades of Thought

50 Shades of Thought

Since the Love, Romance and Sexuality telecourse is underway….

….I’ve had the wonderful privilege of being with others investigating moments of criticism, disappointment, tension about nakedness, concerns when it comes to physical contact with others.

So many thoughts in one split second.

At least 50!

And speaking of romance and sexuality….

….I’ve ALSO been noticing, under the same topic, outcries, conversations, heated discussions, and an occasional note zipping by on facebook about that movie.

You know, that movie.

(Fifty Shades of Gray).

What surprised me recently was when I heard about some people who were into culturally experimental views around sexuality and sexual ethics….

….and even THEY were up-in-arms about the movie.

I thought they wouldn’t care, or have no opinion, or be in favor of everyone doing whatever they want….but no.

They had some pretty strong opinions about the whole thing.

I started noticing a little bubbling up of stress, and a typical reaction I’ve had when things gain a lot of controversy and everyone gets very worked up in the media.

They should calm down, stop getting so aggravated!

What is everyone getting so excited about, I mean for Gawd Sakes!?

Chill!

And I am NOT going write about some pop culture thing like 50 Shades in my Grace Note either! Jeez!

Ha ha!

Who would I be without my story about 50 shades and 50 opinions and 50 controversies and 50 ways to calm down?

I might actually connect. Ask questions. Ask people about what’s disturbing them, why they care.

I might listen.

Turning my high-fallutin’ thoughts around about how I can’t be bothered….

….I remember I myself am investigating every single week in my own telecourse the great topic of sexuality, romance, and passion.

We’re looking at our ideas about what hurts, and what doesn’t.

Everyone has thoughts about what is right, what is threatening, what is a solution, what is wrong, what works, what doesn’t work!

To look deeply and with an open mind at human sexuality is caring.

It’s a privilege, a wonderful exploration.

I do care about 50 thoughts, 50 ideas, 50 inquiries, 50 stressful beliefs, 50 ways to freedom, 50 turnarounds, 50 feelings. 

“To exclude anything that appears in your universe is not love. Love joins with everything. It doesn’t exclude the monster. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare–it looks forward to it.” ~ Byron Katie 

And I notice right now I’m feeling the joy of silence, writing only this sentence, remembering the sweet inquiring in the class the other day on sexuality, getting ready to stand up, gather keys, head for the gym.

Full of celebration about this world of people all singing their songs, full of life, being themselves, and feeling sexual, or not.

Love, Grace

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50 Shades of Thought

Since the Love, Romance and Sexuality telecourse is underway….
….I’ve had the wonderful privilege of being able to listen and be with people in inquiry.
We are investigating moments of criticism, disappointment, tension about nakedness, the busyness of the mind when it comes to physical contact with others.
And speaking of romance and sexuality….
….I’ve ALSO been noticing, under the same topic, outcries, conversations, heated discussions, and an occasional note zipping by on facebook about that movie.
You know, that movie.
(Fifty Shades of Gray).
What surprised me recently was when I noticed people who were into a variety of culturally different views around sexuality and sexual ethics….
….even THEY were up-in-arms about the movie.
I thought they wouldn’t care, or have no opinion, or be in favor of everyone doing whatever they want….but no.
They had some pretty strong opinions about the whole thing.
I started noticing a little bubbling up of stress, and a typical reaction I’ve had when things gain a lot of controversy and everyone gets very worked up in the media and all around.
They should calm down. Whatever.
What is everyone getting so excited about, I mean for Gawd Sakes!
Chill!
And I am NOT going write about some pop culture thing like 50 Shades in my Grace Note either! Jeez!
Irritation.
Ha ha!
Who would I be without my story about 50 shades and 50 opinions and 50 controversies and 50 ways to calm down?
Noticing a little flurry of expression going on here in my environment.
I might actually connect. Ask questions. Ask people about what’s disturbing them, why they care.
I might listen.
Turning my high-fallutin’ thoughts around about how I can’t be bothered….
….I notice I myself am investigating every single week in my own telecourse, with others, the great topic of sexuality, romance, and passion.
We’re looking at our ideas about what hurts, and what doesn’t!
Everyone has thoughts about what is right, what is threatening, what is a solution, what is wrong, what works, what doesn’t work!
To look deeply and with an open mind at human sexuality is caring.
It’s a privilege, a wonderful exploration.
I do care about 50 thoughts, 50 ideas, 50 inquiries, 50 stressful beliefs, 50 ways to freedom, 50 turnarounds, 50 feelings.
 
“To exclude anything that appears in your universe is not love. Love joins with everything. It doesn’t exclude the monster. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare–it looks forward to it.” ~ Byron Katie 
And I notice right now I’m feeling the joy of silence, writing only this sentence, remembering the sweet inquiring in the class the other day on sexuality, getting ready to stand up, gather keys, head for the gym.
Full of celebration about this world of people all singing their songs, full of life, being themselves, and feeling sexual, or not.
Love, Grace
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Desire and The Work of Byron Katie

Desire.

Question your suffering, expand your desire!
Question your suffering, expand your desire! Who would you be without your judgments about desire? 

One of the great dilemmas in my life, something I used to fight, or fall into like drowning.

The way I once felt about desire was that it must be controlled, very carefully approached, and hopefully extinguished like a campfire getting put out with five buckets of water.

And yet.

Did I really hope to turn out the light of desire forever?

When I used to binge-eat, or smoke, or drink in my early twenties, or fantasize….

….I thought of all these activities as terrible, escapist, wrong, shameful.

I went to lots of therapists trying to dig out the dark festering parts, and squash the desire.

But here’s the strangest unexpected surprise.

When I found the way to question what I was thinking, and see if it was really true, I stopped having such a terrified feeling about myself and my urges, cravings, impulses or desires.

I once listened to a recording of Byron Katie facilitating a man through his beliefs about attraction. He admitted attraction to his own sister.

Most of us might find that horrifying. And so did he.

I could hardly believe he let himself be recorded.

And yet, as I listened, I realized he was allowing his innermost shame to come to the surface and be seen.

Without suppressing, controlling, and attacking himself for being so awful, he could study what he was feeling, with compassion.

Who would you be, right now, without the belief that you have something terrible inside of you that needs to be either cut out, or destroyed, or suppressed, or hidden?

What if you let whatever’s there….be there?

What if you just let go of the thought that you might be bad for others or bad for yourself?

What would you act like, feel like, be like if you had respect for everything you felt, thought, and desired?

I know, as I became friendly with my own desires and cravings, even in the long distant past (like when I had a raging eating disorder) looking back….

….I became friendly with my own mind.

Turning these thoughts around: my desires, cravings, or what I wanted was NOT evil, did not need to be controlled, was not something to be destroyed.

These feelings were to be brought forward, not hidden.

Wow.

I found, exposing my desires had so many advantages.

It made me normal, a regular human, it created intimacy through the honesty admitted, it created a place for true investigation, for understanding, for connection.

No longer cast out like a sick person, to be locked in jail.

Instead….following my desires, acting on my desires, studying my desires created transformation.

Freedom.

Take that one step to stop pushing your desire down. Find out what you really want. Write about it. See what you think is missing. Study this idea. Question your thinking.

“When the resistance is gone, so are the demons.” ~ Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

 

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You Talkin’ To Me? My First Reaction To The Work

the one you've been waiting for can answer the questions!
The one you’ve been waiting for can answer the questions!

It’s sooooo weird lately how complicated or tricky The Work appears, as I’ve been working with people brand new to it.

It seems simple.

And yet….

I remember what it was like when I first encountered it when I read Loving What Is.

The first time I heard the question in my mind “is it true?” and was trying to do The Work, I said “huh?”

I heard a New York east coast accent voice, also in my head, saying “you talkin’ to me?!! you talkin’ to me?!!”

(Like Robert Deniro in Taxi Driver).

How would I know if something is true or not? Jeez!!

I didn’t even have the sense of inner self that could actually answer the question, or even believe I could try.

And then, question 3?

It was so painful!

How do I react when I believe a stressful thought?

I’m trying to forget about it! Why’d you have to remind me!?

Then question 4….

….what in the ?

Who would I be without a thought?

I pictured a sort of vacant-headed strange animal. No thought?

That sounds horrifying!

And turnarounds seemed extremely tricky. I could find the opposite, but then I was sort of stumped, unless I had a super easy simple original concept I was taking through the process….

….like “I hate her.”

One verb. I don’t hate her, she hates me, I hate myself.

True, true, true.

Anything more complicated would get whacky and I’d skip one accidentally, and some of the wouldn’t even make sense.

But over time, it got easier, and easier, and easier.

It became fun to practice, to experiment, to try things on and be astonished at the alternatives to my thinking that had its typical ruts it would stay in over and over.

The thing is, the Work wasn’t exactly “fun” or “interesting” for about two years, not for me.

It was weird.

I didn’t see the use. Because I didn’t actually do it.

When I went to the school, THEN I did The Work, and THAT changed everything.

I suddenly saw that huge viewpoints I had carried with me since I was a kid could be completely dissolved.

Now that was pretty incredible. I was completely blown away.

I loved that I could use my very own mind to imagine other ways of seeing the world, like putting on a new pair of glasses. Everything in a different color entirely.

So even if The Work seems meh, or you haven’t had a huge lightbulb go off yet when doing it….give it a little more time.

Wonder about the questions themselves. Actually let you answer them, with the final answer, without being so full of self-doubt.

“You are the teacher and healer you’ve been waiting for.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Eating Peace: The Best First Question To Understand Eating

Eating Peace Online is closed for this session, no exceptions now.

I’ll have it open up again next fall.

We began the live inquiry sessions today….

….to understand what the heck is going on when it comes to eating being a problem!

Today I share how to begin to understand.

It all starts with answering a simple question: Why are you upset about your relationship with food? Why are you upset about eating?

You can write the answer in your journal.

You may even want to add to it over time.

You may notice you have a whole lot to say.

But once you have it written down, you have powerful concepts and beliefs to examine, to wonder about.

Watch here, and I’d love your comments and will answer any questions you have.

Lots of Peace,

Grace

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It Not Only Wasn’t Bad, It Was Wonderful…The Surprise of Losing All My Money

Last night the current Money telecourse gathered.

We’ve been looking for seven weeks now at money.

What money is, what money does, what money would give us, what money offers, and checking the very common belief that so many people share that More Money Is Better.

Isn’t it funny how true that can appear to be?

Nothing inherently wrong with loving money….but so dang stressful when wanting money becomes intense, demanding, full of despair, or confusing.

It’s like unrequited love.

As we looked last night, I love how participants in the class noticed their childish feelings, demanding that their money level be different, at least hoping that it would be higher later, if not now.

Many years ago (but not all that long–it was December 2008) I remember well. I had $10.81 left in my bank account.

It was Christmas time.

I could afford almost nothing for my children. I could hardly believe this was happening. I was a single mom.

If I didn’t come up with almost $2000 within 2 weeks, I would begin the foreclosure process with our little cottage, my one asset besides my old clunker car.

I had pictures of the Titanic sinking, full of money. Everything pouring out, going down. Or me riding an airplane dive bombing towards the earth careening out of control.

But who would I be in that moment, without the belief that I needed more money?

Almost bizarre.

Really?

I could be without that thought?

Wouldn’t that be dangerous, or stupid, or in denial, or retarded of me? I mean, it was OBVIOUS I needed more money.

I needed it to “save” my house. I needed my car. I needed to live in that cottage. I needed to keep my kids in that school. I needed to remain in that neighborhood. I needed to buy Christmas presents.

Are you sure? Are you entirely positive? Would life be so ruined without these items, this plan….that is MY plan?

Who would I really be without the belief that it has to go MY way?

Wow.

As I became willing to open my mind to alternative possibilities, the turnarounds started tumbling forward, shockingly, without too much effort.

How could this be….interesting? Advantageous? Exciting? Full of potential? Curious?

I remembered when I was 22 having a major existential crisis and I gave away or threw away all my possessions. Even my highschool year books. Most of my clothes, gone. All trinkets, photo albums, posters, material possessions….gone.

Everything I owned fit into my car.

There was a freedom and lightness I had never known, in having nothing. Nothing to worry about, nothing to protect, nothing to take care of, nothing to repair or fix or get upset about.

Ha ha! Maybe this could be the same.

Could I have Christmas and have the genuine experience of the Grinch story?

Yes. I could.

I borrowed about $60 and went to Goodwill and bought used thrift store items for my two kids. It looked like nothing under the tree.

On Christmas morning, it didn’t matter.

There was almost nothing to wrap. It made things pretty easy. I thought of Laura Ingalls Wilder like I imagined when I was little, who received an orange and a stick of candy in the Kansas blizzards, and how amazing she thought it was.

I noticed the awareness of knowing nothing is required.

Nothing Is Required.

The absolute freedom of pure nothing. Knowing nothing, having nothing, be wild and undomesticated and open to the unknown.

Who would I be without the belief that more money would be better?

Free to start right now living in the joyful present moment, where we were breathing, warm, laughing, alive….with zero expectations for the future.

“I have helped people do The Work on rape, war in Vietnam and Bosnia, torture, internment in Nazi concentration camps, the death of a child, and the prolonged pain of illnesses like cancer. Many of us think that it’s not humanly possible to accept extreme experiences like these, much less meet them with unconditional love. But not only is that possible, it’s our true nature. Nothing terrible has ever happened except in our thinking. Reality is always good, even in situations that seem like nightmares. The story we tell is the only nightmare that we have lived.  When I say that the worst that can happen is a belief, I am being literal. The worst that can happen to you is your uninvestigated belief system.” Byron Katie in Loving What Is

I noticed that day, the birds flew, there was enough gas in my car to drive to my mother’s house for celebration, there was a feast to eat with family, everyone was alive, happy, breathing.

Except in my head, nothing terrible was happening.

And then, not even in my head.

Having so little gave me awareness of what it was really like, instead of imagining what it would be like.

It was wonderful.

How lucky could I be?

Love, Grace

 

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Stop Yelling! Start Working! When Stress Hits The Fan

If you want to jump into inquiry on Parenting for 8 weeks, or even Eating Peace Online before tomorrow….there are just a few spots available.

Hit reply and write if you’re interested.

*****

Yesterday, I was looking forward to a lovely interview in the morning with a fabulous facilitator of The Work, Ralf Giesen, to be recorded to share with you all and the world for anyone interested in how inquiry has affected his life.

I’ve done a couple of these interviews easily, and LOVED them.

(They’re on my youtube channel by the way).

We were both on our computers, with cameras, at the appointed time.

Looking at nothing.

Both had the google+ open, I was ready, he was ready….

….nothing firing up.

Waiting.

I was quickly checking all settings, sending another invite, googling youtube on how to start a google hangout so I could discover what the heck wasn’t working.

No answers. No Ralf.

Arrgggghh.

I have better things to do than fuss with technology! Kill the google hangout instructions! I hate this!

Fortunately, the next thing in my day of course was doing The Work, as usual.

It was a perfect segue.

The first teleclass on parenting for 8 weeks.

And there were some great situations shared by participants on moments with disruptive, yelling, rude children.

Which was the same way I felt about that google hangout situation.

They shouldn’t be like that!

It is true!

But who would you be if you couldn’t have that thought…even as things are going haywire, a child is yelling and upset, a computer doesn’t work, something doesn’t go as planned?

It’s like the most calm feeling in the world.

Even though something’s happening, moving, storming, making noise, and not going the way you’d like….

….what if you could ride the wave?

You’re sticking with it, staying connected, but not getting all worked up yourself.

Seems difficult, especially if a person (your kid) is upset and yelling, and it appears disrespectful.

But you wouldn’t rage back AND you wouldn’t withdraw and avoid.

Without the belief, I study hangouts and try to figure out how to do it differently next time, and I’m still not sure.

Participants in our teleclass felt the same.

They’re not sure how to be different yet, or how it will go next time, but it’s actually OK.

Turning the thoughts around: it should be like that.

That does feel lighter, and much less upsetting.

How could it be true, when it comes to kids, or to the technology breaking down?

Any benefits or advantages to it going the way it went, rather than your ideal or alternate version?

I don’t quite know yet.

But I do know I love connecting, whether with a colleague, or my kids.

True intimacy is courageous and loving.

And as easy as doing nothing, moving forward, asking questions, setting things up for the next time, talking….

….trying again.

“When you stay present with your children, that’s where abundance is. And when you stay out of their business, that is where everything you deserve in life is, it’s right there. When you are in presence, there’s no story there, and you are abundance, everything you ever wanted is there in that moment, and you come to trust it. And you come to trust the space so often that you just eventually hang out as that, because there is nothing that can move you out of it, not even a perceived child or a perceived anything.” ~ Byron Katie 

Love, Grace

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Ten Ways To Fail Miserably Doing The Work of Byron Katie

The Work of Byron Katie is a way to question what hurts in your life, and relax.

It may not end difficult events and experiences….

….but it will end your suffering and misery….

….if you do it.

When I first encountered The Work, I made darn sure I failed miserably by NOT really doing it.

You can make sure it does nothing for you, either, and give up in disgust or despair.

Here’s how:

1) Never write anything down. Ever. Just do The Work in your head on the fly by asking yourself the questions, if you can remember them.

2) When someone irritates you, feel the rage or angst, or fear and then immediately start berating yourself for being such a dumb ass to get so upset and uptight about them. Do The Work to fix yourself, ASAP, from being the type of person who gets upset.

3) Do The Work on yourself only. Notice that you have zero judgments of anyone in your life, ever. You’re over that. Keep saying “but it’s all about me and how wrong, unworthy, insufficient or stupid I am!”

4) Think of one-liners only….don’t write out a whole worksheet. One-liners are simple beliefs that seem to cause conflict or pain, like “he’s being a jerk!” These just pop in your head in the heat of the moment. Then see #1 above.

5) Only ask the first question when doing The Work….Is it true? Flippantly say “no, nothing is ever true” and move on without spending more time exploring the question.

6) When you answer the second question in The Work: is it ABSOLUTELY true? Start explaining why it is or is not true, in your professional opinion. Say things like “well, it’s true because….” and tell a big long story with lots of footnotes.

7) When you get to the third question in The Work (which is “how do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?”) launch into a novel about how that person did you wrong not only in this recent upsetting situation, but also last year, the year before that, and basically the whole time you’ve known them. Give lots of examples of that person being a total freak or an asshole. Make sure you tell about how you’re the victim here.

8) If you get to question four doing The Work (wow, you made it this far?) then get super puzzled. Who would you be without that belief? Throw your hands in the air and say “I have no f*&$ing idea!” Say you have a terrible imagination and you really can’t think of what it would be like. Or better yet, say it would be dangerous not to have that thought.

9) When you think of a stressful belief, just go straight to the turnarounds. So if you think the thought “I’m afraid of my boss” just flip it right away and say “I’m NOT afraid of my boss” and then fist pump the sky. Yeah! That’s right!

10) Anything you ever think that’s mean or sad about someone, turn it around to yourself and use this as an excuse not to ever talk with that person, tell the truth, connect, or actually change anything. “He abandoned me” flip to “I abandoned myself”. Feel worse about yourself than ever, you judgmental loser.

OK….I hope you’re laughing now.

Really, The Work is not easy.

Simple perhaps, but NOT easy.

If you need help along the way….take a class, call the Help Line, come to a retreat, come to Breitenbush in late June, sign up for Summer Camp For The Mind for short bursts of practice next July, or if you really want to go for it, join Year of Inquiry the next time I open registration.

There are lots of ways to sink into The Work.

Once you get a true taste of how amazing it is to question the stressful mind, you won’t ever stop.

You’ll start to wake up.

What could be better than that?

Love, Grace