Grace Notes

March 13, 2015

Committing To Practice Makes All The Difference In Your Whole World

question your stressful thoughts--change your whole world. Really. — question your stressful thoughts–change your whole world. Really.

Year of Inquiry (YOI) is a small group of inquirers who connect for an entire year together, starting every September and meeting all year long, changing topics every month.

Yah. It’s intense.

It’s a long commitment.

We’re half way through the year. And we love it.

It’s amazing over time to have a regular practice of collecting together and questioning….deeply.

Who would you BE without that thought, about your body (we happen to be on the BODY month right now) or money, or your primary relationship, or your dad or mom?

Sinking in over and over, together.

The thing I love about a whole year is we come and go, we’re on vacation then we’re back, we show up then we miss a session, but we tap back in, regroup, show up, focus.

Remember.

Over time the practice of inquiring becomes so, so, so fun.

We get to know one another’s voices, wishes, the way we respond in a very intimate way, without ever telling all our stories.

Someone wrote me an email once after reading a Grace Note.

“Don’t you get tired of questioning your thoughts? Isn’t this a little repetitive or obsessive?”

Yes to the second part. Ha ha!

No to the first.

I have NO IDEA why I don’t get tired of this.

Well, OK, maybe there’s an idea.

Somewhere along the way, I realized this work was about ending fear. Ending agony about what happened before and what might happen next.

I also realized there was absolutely nothing else I could do, except question my painful thinking.

Wow. Nothing. No control.

I only had my own mind ultimately to work with, it didn’t work to try to fix or adjust or make the world better.

I could end the drama of needing other people to change, or the environment to change, or this whole world to change….

….in order to actually be happy.

I could actually enter the humor of not being my mind, not taking my thinking seriously….

….and watch this astonishing life unfold with all the flavors, variety, complexity and strangeness of the most inventive, brilliant novel.

With joy.

Not upset.

I love all the people who show up for inquiry, every single day in the groups or telecourses I run.

Everyone doing the best they can, everyone curious….open.

Everyone dropping their limiting stories, on their own path, and sharing this process together, at their own pace.

We do have room for up to three people right now in YOI. We have calls on Tuesday mornings 9 am, Thursday afternoons 4:30 pm, and Fridays 9 am Pacific time. Come to one, two or all three–your choice.

We gather in person for those who can get to the northwest USA May 29-31. But if you’re super far away, like Europe, then you might choose not to travel and that’s OK too (it’s less expensive).

I don’t want anyone to miss out who would love this ongoing opportunity to be in The Work three weeks out of every month and see what regular inquiry can bring to your life.

It looks like freedom.

“Reality–the way that it is, exactly as it is, in every moment–is always kind. It’s our STORY about reality that blurs our vision, obscures what’s true, and leads us to believe that there is injustice in the world. I sometimes say that you move totally away from reality when you believe there is a legitimate reason to suffer….It’s insane to believe that suffering is caused by anything outside the mind. A clear mind doesn’t suffer.” ~ Byron Katie

And of course, even if an organized regular inquiry group isn’t right for you–there are other ways to do The Work with people.

You can call the Help Line (click HERE to use it for free).

“If you want to work with your psyche, you have to loosen up in there…you have to get underneath and see why your psyche is the way it is. It was programmed that way. But you can learn how to interact with life in a wholesome, participatory way. You have the right to relax and let fear pass right through you.” ~ Michael Singer

If you’re in the mood for lightening up, understanding your mind, becoming intimate with reality….

….and you’d like support on your journey….

….then consider coming on board to the upcoming Relationships telecourse, or Year of Inquiry, or Desire and The Work, or Summer Camp for The Mind this coming summer, or Breitenbush 5 day retreat in the spectacular natural Hotsprings of Oregon.

I love connecting with you, questioning the way we all think, and changing our world.

If you’re interested in YOI or another teleclass, hit reply and let me know (your email will go directly to me personally) or visit www.workwithgrace.com and click on teleclasses or programs to see what’s coming up.

Much love, Grace

March 12, 2015

Rockin’ In The Free World With Inquiry

with inquiry - free world — with inquiry – free world

I remember when I first got to The School for The Work ten years ago.

My thoughts so innocently at the time were basically I had no trouble with anyone….

….or if I did, that was in the past. Done. Fini.

Any remnant thoughts of those people were MY problem and I had done “a lot of work” on those problem people already, so I was kinda over it.

Code word for “a lot of work” is many hours in therapy, in workshops, or with close friends analyzing, discussing, rehashing and talking about the people who had been problems in my life.

And finding solutions for how not to feel bad about those people, or about myself.

All of it actually really important.

I don’t dismiss the profound support I received from mentors, people in dynamic roles offering different ways to approach my predicaments.

Awesome. Some invaluable.

But I really did talk about some of those problem people ad nauseam.

When I found The Work, it was soooooo fantastic for cutting through the BS, not explaining myself, not speaking in my own defense, not trying to sound pleasant and non-jugmental while still expressing terror or rage.

No, all that pretzel-twisting was over.

I didn’t have to try to communicate what I was feeling in any particular way.

It was on the paper. Unedited. Blunt. Real.

I could then begin to explore if these judgments and complaints were actually true.

It didn’t matter how I got the judgments in the first place, or if they were justified.

The focus was truth.

I brought up every single person I felt difficulty with in my life, one by one: grandpa, grandma, mom, dad, siblings, best friend, boyfriend, husband, dog.

I went for the relationships that had hurt the most, in my opinion.

The times that felt unbearable, devastating, or shameful.

Or when I felt like hitting someone I was so angry!

I noticed how I acted now, in my daily life, when I believed my thoughts about those people, even if they had been dead for years.

Mean. Impatient. Sad.

I then got to imagine who I’d be without my thoughts….

….Noticing the air, the chair I was sitting in, the open window latch, the hum of the distant street, the color of the plate on the table.

Present.

When I turned my thoughts around about those mean, nasty people from my past…..I got surprised!

She was controlling? I was controlling–of both her, but mostly of me! He was distant? I was distant from him, hiding my real thoughts–but mostly distant from myself! They were critical of me? I was critical of them inside my head–but mostly critical of myself inside my head.

Wow.

You mean this is no one’s fault? Nobody is to blame? Everyone was doing the best they could? They were just acting the same way I already was acting with me?

I could only really get this, though, by walking slowly through each concept on my worksheets–not by flipping to the turnarounds or being speedy about the process.

Going slowly was the speediest.

That’s why every week in the Relationships teleclass (or any teleclass), we look at one thought and walk it all the way from the top to the bottom of inquiry, investigating its flavor and meaning.

“Just understand that what you see is not what is. Appearances will dissolve on investigation and the underlying reality will come to the surface. You need not burn the house to get out of it. You just walk out. It is only when you cannot come and go freely that the house becomes a jail.”~ Nisargadatta

With inquiry, over and over again what I thought was true, I realize after inquiry…..wasn’t.

All those meanies and rejecters, weren’t, and didn’t.

This is not the natural way of my mind. My thoughts will still take off after someone who says something that stings. My heart will still feel broken about someone I miss. Adrenaline will still rush through my body with a jolt when I’m about to walk out on stage in front of a whole bunch of people or have an important confrontational talk with a friend.

But these reactions really are far, far, far less. I can’t tell you how much shorter, or how I’m already laughing even as the adrenaline is coming to the end of its wave.

It has made a difference.

Now, it feels most of the time like everything and anything can be worked with.

Bring it on, even. Bring it.

Wow, it’s a free world.

So free, I could dance!

Love, Grace

March 11, 2015

Eating Peace: What Do You Really Really Want? (If You’re Not Hungry)

Although there may be many complex feelings, memories and emotions occurring in the moment you want to eat (when you aren’t hungry) or starve yourself (when you ARE hungry but you’re afraid of eating)…..

…..one area of imbalance is letting yourself know what you REALLY, REALLY want!

If it’s not food, what do you do now?

What is this life, anyway?

How are you moved to operate?

The key, I have found, is tapping into what you want….whether its love, success, connection, honesty, intimate contact with others, creativity, relaxation, rest, sleep, fun, humor, abundance, safety, satisfaction.

What do you need, really, if it isn’t food?

What if you could move towards that….wouldn’t this feel more exciting, more fun and more joyful?

You’d know you were on your way.

Watch today’s Eating Peace video and let me know what you discover:

Lots of peace,

Grace

March 11, 2015

Beware Destroying Your Negative Thoughts….The Backlash

fieldofnothing — beyond the field of right/wrong or pro/con

Have you noticed how negative thinking is getting a seriously bad rap sometimes?

Do you notice uncomfortable feelings or thoughts enter you….and have the speedy quick immediate NEXT thought be that you really need to fix this negative thinking thing happening in your own head?

Whew!

I MUST DELETE THESE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!!

They are terrible, destructive, awful, twisted…..I must switch NOW and start thinking positive ASAP!!

Sometimes, when someone is new to the Work, they say to me…“

…but, I don’t want to give attention to those negative voices. I’m eliminating them. I’m working on favorable, feel-good thinking. I don’t want to judge.”

Stop right there.

You might be making a humongous mistake.

Get it, ha ha?!

You’re making a mistake regarding your beliefs?

Pokin’ a little fun at you. As a good friend used to say to me (my former husband) when teasing “just pullin’ your chain, just pullin’ your chain!”

But seriously, let’s take a look at this thing that happens around the thinking process and how it can be damaging, or make you get stuck in a loop of anxious thoughts without ever reducing your stress, and keep you imprisoned in a cycle of unsupportive thinking, like your trapped thoughts going around on a merry-go-round in a child’s playground.

You notice a worried, sad, frightened, irritated or rageful feeling. You have a thought. Maybe a whole cloud of thoughts, an entire system of beliefs.

Almost in the same moment that you’re afraid and you feel against what’s going on in your environment…you feel immediately against what your own mind is doing.

You’re against everything. You’re disturbed. You’re upset. You might be shouting at yourself on the inside.

OMG I can’t have this negative thought! This feeling is TERRIBLE!

You could be yelling at yourself to be more positive, relax, get a grip, pull yourself together.

Kind of like a parent might say to a kid who’s having a melt down, when they’re losing their temper, not feeling compassionate or patient: Come on! Snap out of it! Quit crying! Stop panicking! Quit thinking that way!!

How do you think you’ll react if someone yells at you to pull yourself together and stop having a hissy fit and stop thinking the way you’re actually thinking?

Happy and supported? Ready to question your painful thinking?

Uh…..not really.

At least, I sure never felt much better. And nothing changed, either.

Kinda like going on a major diet, as a counter-attack to a big gigantic appetite. The end result is….flying off the diet in a huge pendulum swing the other way, a breaking out in to freedom. A binge.

A long time ago, I quit trying to do positive thinking on top of negative thinking. It was an enormous amount of work.

Instead, when I found The Work of Byron Katie….

….but even long before, when I entered support groups and other people and therapists with a deep sense of unconditional love….

….I could let down my guard, expose my most dark and bitter thinking, and discover I could be accepted even with those kinds of troubled thoughts.

What a relief.

What to do next?

Give the negative thoughts time, love and energy. It’s so much easier than being AGAINST them.

The best way to do it?

Write them down, let them out, and take them through self-inquiry.

Simply see if they’re true or not!

Who would you be without the belief that your “negative” thoughts are that big and powerful, and ruining your life (even if they are, ha ha)?

I notice my “negative” thoughts are here. They are a part of reality.

Maybe they have a message. Maybe they aren’t actually even “negative”. I mean, who made me boss of the universe who decides what should or should not be allowed to be thought?

This is a very subtle place of letting go.

Are these thoughts actually YOU? Are you sure they mean you are doing something wrong? That you’re not positive enough?

“Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.” ~ Rumi

To question what you believe to be true, even about thoughts, is to enter an unknown, wide open, infinite space. You don’t have to analyze, control, be against or be for….anything.

The next time you feel a swarm of dread coming….try letting it stay. What does it have to say? What is being expressed? What does it want? Write this down.

Get to know your mind intimately.

Now ask….is it true?

When you get all the way to the turnarounds, you may feel appreciation, an openness to being the way you are, an acceptance to your mind running the way it does.

You may find a new joy about your turnarounds you didn’t expect, because you gave the vicious, mean, frightened thoughts their due respect.

Everything becomes OK. And much less work.

Slower, more relaxed, no need to defend or gather your energies so you can fight against your negative beliefs and quit being judgemental.

“To the extent that the fire of truth wipes out all fixated points of view, it wipes out inner contradictions as well, and we begin to move in a whole different way. The Way is the flow that comes from a place of non-contradiction—not from good and bad. Much less damage tends to be done from that place.” ~ Adyashanti

See what happens if you relax, wait, inquire.

You might notice you have the same push-pull pro-con relationship with a person in your life, not just your own thoughts. If this is the case, and you want guided help with inquiry….join Relationship Hell To Heaven Teleclass starting March 24 5:15-6:45 pm for 8 weeks. Still a few more spots.

Love, Grace

March 10, 2015

Why Would Anyone Do The Work of Byron Katie?

question your thinking, change your entire life

The other day I was interviewed for a program in well-being and I got a great and simple question….why does The Work….work?

Why do The Work at all?

Why offer programs teaching others how to do The Work? Why find partners to talk about your beliefs who are willing and interested in questioning them? Why keep asking what’s true, and who you’d be without your thought?

Why question your stressful thoughts?

Because when I have done this, over time, without giving up or quitting….

….my view of the world has become bigger, shining, mysterious, joyful….

….and so has my life.

I’ve fel Limitless Joy. Unbounded success.

A sense of positivity and love for this world and what humanity is capable of that’s full of wonder, energy and creativity.

Realization. Waking up out of the trance and drama of living in fear about everything, and being so self-centered and stuck.

Woah.

That’s pretty seriously amazing reasons for doing The Work, right?

But I had no idea this is where it would lead when I first began.

Initially, the reason I came in to The Work when I read Loving What Is, by Byron Katie was because I longed to feel peaceful.

I wanted to feel deeply content. To understand my purpose.

Something inside of me knew that it might not be my life I was finding so stressful….but my own mind.

I knew I had a pretty remarkable life, actually. I had shelter, opportunities, support, a cute house, a great education.

But my own thinking was torturous. It felt addictive. I had been in terrible pain as a teenager, practically suicidal. I developed an eating disorder and had a part of me that was so frightened, bitter, cynical and critical, it was shocking.

When I read Byron Katie’s words that suggested my own mind was the creator of my suffering…..I was stunned.

I recognized the truth of that comment.

It wasn’t other people, difficult circumstances, or trauma that created suffering.

It was me telling sad and frightening stories to myself about a lot of really important things, people and events in my life.

No wonder I was such a wreck.

Questioning your thoughts is not just a tool, or a gimmick, or a punchy kind of way to apply force to negative thinking.

It’s really deep and powerful clarity around how you live your life on a daily basis.

And even more than clarity?

It’s how to have everything you ever wanted with integrity, joy and adventure.

Yes, it’s that big.

Why do I love doing The Work?

Because the longer I do it, the more I do it, the more expansive my world has become.

I’m no longer trying to get through life as best as possible, avoiding problems, managing as best I can.

I feel a deep ecstasy within that is beyond what I ever thought possible.

Why wouldn’t I want to share it? And see other humans also light up with awareness and freedom?

The other day when I was teaching my mini retreat that happens quarterly on a Saturday afternoons here in north Seattle in the USA, I said to all the people who came “there’s nothing I’d rather be doing on a Saturday afternoon than gathering with others to do The Work”.

I really meant it.

My favorite experience is gathering with others to grow, learn, see what’s present.

“So work on what your mind will work on. And watch the mind disassemble itself where it’s able to. That would be living like a kind human being, to just work on what the mind CAN work on. And each time you do that, the mind begins to open up, until pretty soon the things that were like cement are like the ones you started with. Mind begins to trust that what it is without its story is not an unsafe thing to be–is not an unsafe experience.” ~ Byron Katie

Here’s the thing.

You. Can. Do. This.

The Work is available for free. It’s just four questions, and then finding the turnarounds, to your painful beliefs. All you need is a pen and paper.

If you need help, it appears this has become my job and I teach classes and workshops and retreats–I am the luckiest person ever.

Love, Grace

P.S. Two wonderful classes coming soon to help you dive with greater support into your inquiry process:

*Relationship Hell To Heaven – Tuesdays 5:15-6:45 March 23-May 12, 2015. $395. Start with one person you’re having the greatest trouble with and we’ll inquire. Can you imagine being without your repetitive stress on this person in your life?

*Desire and The Work – Thursdays 8:30-10 am Pacific Time April 2-May 14, 2015 (no class April 30). $325. In five important areas of life, we find our objections and then we find our deepest desires. We question what blocks us from clarity and success. What excitement!

To register or if you have questions, hit reply.

March 9, 2015

Even The Horrors….Questioning Your Personal Thoughts

candleindarkness — life endlessly transforms

Not so long ago a very dear client/inquirer/friend called me because her son’s girlfriend committed suicide. Age 16.

Even though I didn’t personally know her son directly, nor the girlfriend….

….I paused with the news, drew in a deep breath, and then cried.

The awareness of a young girl deciding to end her own life filled me with the ache of suffering of humanity.

All kinds of thoughts went though my mind: it’s so unnecessary, the parents of this girl must be devastated, this was an unfinished life, these events are unbearable, the son must be so distraught, how does so much suffering happen?

I felt connected to it. I know this family. They live in my same city.

This past year, I read about a death of a 15 year old girl from my daughter’s high school, also by suicide. I didn’t know her at all, didn’t recognize her name.

It’s not terribly uncommon.

That’s the incredible thing.

Such finality in the decision, and yet decided every day by people.

Last year all mental health professionals where I live were required to take a six hour continuing education course on suicide.

I was so grateful for the training.

During that class, one topic of discussion was about interviews which have been done with people who have tried to commit suicide and by some strange intervention, did not succeed.

Many of them shared one fascinating thought, as they looked back at the event.

Right after they caused the act that would end their life….

….a huge number of them said “Oh no! Wait! Nevermind!”

They became clear.

After the decision was no longer up in the air.

The mind working so fast and realizing, after stopping the endless agonizing debate of whether to DO it or NOT DO it….

….once that war was over….

….this wasn’t really the answer.

Now of course, these people in the interviews were the ones that by some fluke DID live.

They landed on a soft pile, their stomach was pumped of all the medication, the bullet went clean through and missed vital parts, the rope broke, they were rushed to the hospital and stitched up.

Maybe those who die also have clarity beyond that moment of taking action, who knows. And maybe, since they die, that is exactly what they become clear about—death was just right for their situation. We can’t really interview them.

There is simply no answer, no way to know.

Suicide exists as one way life ends…..and everyone’s life is over in this particular body at some point.

So who would I be without the belief that it’s the wrong choice, unbearable, impossible to get over, a life that should have been different or longer?

It doesn’t mean I like it, or my heart doesn’t break into pieces….but I notice I’m present, connected, full of feeling, tender, noticing there are no answers and no reasons, and there is still life here, going on, and I can show up for the people here, now.

“In the end you know that there is no sin, no guilt, no retribution, only life in its endless transformations. With the dissolution of the personal ‘I’ personal suffering disappears. What remains is the great sadness of compassion, the horror of the unnecessary pain.” ~ Nisargadatta

It’s OK not to know what to do, or say when someone dies…even from suicide. It’s OK to remain present, to be with those who remain alive, to help them, to support, to feel every drop of feeling, to sob.

All you have to do is be there, being.

Nothing more.

Love, Grace

March 6, 2015

In The Middle of A Storm of Busy….Pause.

It seems the way of it over time is that on weekends, there is either only one Grace Note, or maybe even none.

But I felt full of joy to give you a gift of remembering to pause, perhaps even right now.

Even if you are wildly busy, which feels like my life in the past few years.

Busier, busier, and busier. Calendar filling, writing like crazy, so many clients, many classes, always a retreat coming up and preparation needed and kids, dance, gym, groceries, laundry.

Sometimes feeling on the edge of not actually being able to do all that I say I will be doing, all that I’m saying “yes” to.

Instead of tightening up about it today….taking a deep breath.

It has to happen, it should be done, it needs to get complete, I must finish.

Who would you be without the belief that you really need to have that thing finished in order to be happy?

You may still be on the road towards its completion….

….but it’s OK if you don’t get it done.

Because this journey is amazing, and wonderful, and glowing.

You are awesome, no matter what predicament or situation you’re in. Even with all that is unfinished and undone.

When an archer is shooting for nothing, he has all his skill.
If he shoots for a brass buckle, he is already nervous.
If he shoots for a prize of gold, he goes blind or sees two targets —
He is out of his mind!
His skill has not changed. But the prize divides him.
He cares. He thinks more of winning than of shooting–
And the need to win drains him of power….

….The non-action of the wise man is not inaction. It is not studied. It is not shaken by anything. The sage is quiet because he is not moved, not because he wills to be quiet.
Joy does all things without concern. For emptiness, stillness, tranquillity, tastelessness, silence, and non-action are the root of all things.

~ The Way of Chuang Tzu translated by Thomas Merton

Pause. Feel the quiet.

Feel how good and simple it is, even when your to-do list is long and your dreams are big.

Did you notice the full moon?

Ahhhhhhh.

Love, Grace

March 5, 2015

Who Would You Be Without Your Story From 1939?

outerspace — who would you be without your story?

Last night, I was doing World War II homework with my 17 year old.

Now, this was not necessarily my plan.

I mean…did I say, in March 2015 what I really want to do is review the facts and story of World War II?

And yet, within 30 seconds of starting to help her with her homework, we were having a great discussion about the Cold War, John F. Kennedy, communism, terrible prejudice, why the word “God” was put in the pledge of allegiance.

I played her the song Harry Truman by Chicago, instantly found on youtube.

All stories.

Isn’t it strange how we love stories?

This happened, then that happened, then this other thing happened, then she did this, then he said that, then they were upset, then he got mad, then she was depressed, then someone died, and someone was born, then they left.

The story of humanity, living itself.

“We shouldn’t have so many stories”.

Especially the ones that get people all fired up and upset.

Is that really true?

What if it were OK to have stories, just not believe in them so radically?

Stories are profound, and beautiful, and agonizing. They can be so brilliant, and so inspiring.

But when they hurt and feel painful….awful.

Thank goodness for inquiry.

What if you could look at your own personal stories the same way you see a movie, or a story from history, playing itself out?

One day, when I was deeply pained by a story about heart-ache, sickness and death, it occurred to me (I didn’t invent this, it was an exercise offered to me) that this story about dying and tragedy was playing on a screen in my mind, and I could step to the side of the theater, and look at the thin width of the screen, hearing only the sound, seeing only shadows dancing on audience faces, no longer immersed in the story.

I could be free not to believe, not to know.

Not to repeat it over and over, not to try to smash it down or push it away, not to be so desperately moved by my opinion of what was happening in the story.

Wow.

What if what you’re thinking might pass? What if it changes next week, next year? What about a decade from now?

What about from WWII, and all the remarkable change that’s occurred?

“Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.” ~ Joss Whedon

All I know is, questioning repetitive, serious, difficult stories by looking, investigating, exploring who the characters are, what you’re doing, what’s happening with thought, what’s being felt, seeing what’s true and what’s not….

….allows the humor to come forth, the acceptance.

Who would you be, right now today, without your difficult, tragic or victim story?

Noticing that difficulty and pain happen, then relief, then creativity, then ingenious magic.

All the world’s a stage, and how beautiful to not know how the story goes, why it goes, where it goes. Not really.

Kinda fun, right?

Love, Grace

March 5, 2015

Mini Retreat March 7 – And Resting In Presence

Do The Work of Byron Katie March 7 in Seattle

Room for a few more people this coming Saturday 1:30-5:30 at my cottage in Seattle, doing The Work from start to finish on a stressful situation in your life….current or past.

Mental health therapists can earn 4 CEUs.

$70 for materials, yummy snacks, tea, sweet people (always) and deleting stressful beliefs!

Eating Peace: Going Deeper Into The Moment You Reach For Food

Studying your experience when you feel compulsive, or overwhelmed with the urge to eat, or like you’re in a fist fight with craving….

….can lead to absolutely wonderful insight.

You think it can’t.

You might say “I already know what I need to do about cravings or compulsive urges to eat….I need to shut them down and control myself!”

But no.

I noticed this never, ever worked. Not in the long run.

So without fighting the moment or feeling repulsed about looking, let’s slow down and study what’s happening, in slow motion.

After you watch, let me know in the comments what you notice about your own craving moments. What else was going on, before you felt like eating? What were you feeling? What didn’t you like about your situation?

Lots of Peace, Grace