Grace Notes

I have to plan, this must go well, everyone needs to love it or enjoy themselves.

Have you ever had that thought about an upcoming event?

I’m getting ready to leave for Breitenbush in 2 days to facilitate the wonder of doing The Work for almost 5 days (maybe 2 spots left by the way–reply to this email if you want information).

But the thing about having something you’re anticipating….

….whether a theater production, a wedding, a trial, an educational program, a major transition, a conversation, a workshop….

….is we often think (this is the little stressy part) that we HAVE to make it really good. We need to plan.

Like we’re the ones in charge.

Well, OK, I’ll speak for myself.

I notice the little chirping thoughts over in the back corner, and I think about getting ready and anticipating the movement towards this retreat.

They look like this:

• I should make a list so I remember everything
• What if I forget some materials? That would be TERRIBLE!
• My daughter is really sick with a cold….I CAN’T CATCH IT
• I need to organize my thoughts for the participants so I do it BEST
• The outcome needs to be really, really good

Sometimes people believe the weather MUST be good for something happening in the future (weddings are like this).

Or, the guests must have fun. Everyone needs to enjoy themselves. I must be admired and appreciated. I must make an impact. I need them to buy lots of copies of my new CD, or come back to more of my shows, or read my book.

This has to be successful, or I will suffer!!! 

The other day it occurred to me how funny all these beliefs are.

First, you have to know what “success” looks like. And what it doesn’t look like.

Then, the mind takes off from there working full time to move towards the successful picture, and away from the failure picture.

But what if you didn’t know what success really looked like? What if you didn’t know?

What exactly IS success, then?

I chuckled realizing (once again) that success for me is feeling solidly present and connected to an inner sense of mystery in every moment.

Remember this, I also remember and know that even if it rains, or someone breaks their leg, or the technology doesn’t work, or someone gets sick, or the show starts late….

….any of the usual events we collectively think of as “bad news” can actually turn into fun stories, entertaining challenges, or ways to profoundly connect back to what is, with awe.

How?

One way to do this work is to watch a stressful image that may come to mind, something you want to NEVER happen at this upcoming event you’re anticipating.

Be really specific and dramatic with painting that picture.

Everything goes wrong.

You have the flu, you forgot all the party favors, half the people don’t show up, one person goes on and on and disrupts the entire program, there’s an earthquake, the groom is missing, everyone thinks you’re a jerk.

Write down all your complaints, all your great fears about this scenario, the picture in your mind that brings up fear.

To really look closely (if your fear is ongoing and repetitive)….take concepts one at a time through the four questions and turnarounds.

Who would you be without knowing this vision is possible, or true?

Who would you be without the belief that something going wrong means the whole thing isn’t successful?

Who would you be without the belief that the things that COULD go wrong would ultimately be truly bad?

What if even these upsetting things might have interesting, or beneficial, outcomes?

This is what Byron Katie calls the Turnaround to Number 6 on your worksheet.

You’ve answered the question….what is it that you never ever want to experience in this situation?

You’ve got your list (like mine above).

Here’s what it looks like when you turn them around:

• I am willing to forget things (like materials I plan on handing out) and to not make good lists. I look forward to being disorganized and having things move anyway–without my plans (something always happens, I notice).
• I am willing to get sick. I look forward to the slowness of it, the rest I would take.
• I am willing to know nothing clear in this moment with respect to participants. I look forward to discovering this later, when its really needed.
• I am willing for the outcome to be really, really strange, different, “bad”. I look forward to the adventure of change, of trusting the process and right timing.

In the biggest disasters around upcoming events you’ve ever heard of happening….

….can you begin to find even the tiniest benefit for it going that way?

As I look at all the retreats and workshops I’ve led, I see incredible benefit for every time something went “wrong”.

I learned about guiding a group to shorten their shares, I learned to interrupt people when they were chasing down a long story and explaining themselves (and interrupt myself telling stories), I learned to ask for help tracking time, I learned to be flexible no matter what the environmental circumstances, I learned how incredible it can be to feel sick and the way it doesn’t matter in the end.

I keep learning the definition of “success” and how it crashes apart, and how that is such good news.

Because then, I can open up my hands with wide open palms relaxed and accepting, not tight fists of trying. Opening into the mystery of whatever happens.

Now, that is the most fun of all. Relaxing into just seeing what happens and where this goes.

“If there is anything like a choice, it was already happening….the stage is not set by me.” ~ Mooji in interview Buddha At The Gas Pump with Rick Archer

In peace, Grace

Last minute 2 people had to cancel attending Breitenbush so space is open. They are holding some housing options today only for anyone wanting to attend. We begin next week on Weds evening 6/24. Can’t wait to do The Work with you.

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Don’t you love when people get on their high horse?

I love that saying “she’s on her high horse!”

It comes from history where the social rank of someone included higher and bigger horses. Those with the highest horses were the wealthiest and had greatest power.

Sometimes we say this about someone with irritation, sometimes with some laughter.

We might joke about ourselves “gosh, sorry I just got all up on my high horse on that topic!” if we express a lengthy opinion.

And then sometimes, when you look closely….

…you’re really full of judgment about that crazy passionate irritating person up there on that horse so high in the air.

I wish she’d quit saying what she’s saying. What an opinionated arrogant person!

I wish he’d quit being such a primadonna, criticizing all those who disagree with him, going on and on about this issue in the world.

Trouble is, suddenly you may notice you don’t agree….with those disagreeable people who are not agreeing.

Oh. Right.

Time for the work.

So let’s explore a little first.

What does it mean that the person in question is so on their high horse anyway? What do you think is actually annoying about it?

What’s dangerous about it? Why do you want them to stop?

Because.

They’re showing what someone looks like who is AGAINST. I don’t like seeing it.

Why don’t you like seeing it? Hello?

It scares me. She’s saying she’s against. She’s a fighter. She’s not a listener. She doesn’t accept people. She’s opinionated and willing to reject, or cut off, or start a fight over it.

He’s harsh, angry. He thinks everyone needs to do it his way. And I myself am not doing it his way. So he will hate me.

And why is THAT difficult?

Why are you disturbed if someone hates you?

Be honest.

Images come to mind as I sit in this wondering. Why don’t I like it if someone is contrary, gruff with me, says “you suck” or “what you speak of is too confusing, or wrong.”

Why is it troubling if you think someone doesn’t care about you or your request opinion, approach, experience?

Something just rises up within that feels like fear. It feels like an emergency. People need to like me, to accept me.

I never thought to question the times people don’t like me, or they cut me off, or they leave, to see how it could be OK.

Long ago when fairly new to The Work I personally had one of the best situations I could have ever dreamed up to teach me how to look closely. (You can read that Grace Note right here).

But let’s look at a lighter-weight kind of criticism, where you have no idea if that person dislikes you or rejects you….you just feel like they’re dismissive, uncaring, not paying attention, not safe.

Maybe they’ve said something they don’t like about you, or confront you on something.

Adrenaline. Zam. It’s coursing through your system.

Stop a sec.

You are not safe when that person does that behavior, expresses that opinion….is it true?

Wow.

Well.

Yeah. Something feels very unsafe. My heart is racing.

Now that I think about it, I know this person loves me….and yet, still, I feel unsafe. On alert, worried. Not happy with the disagreement.

Can you be absolutely sure you aren’t safe?

No.

How do you react when she or he says those words, or looks away, or starts talking about how they disagree with you?

Anger! I put up my dukes!

Or I hold it together and write them off. I back away slowly, out of the room, then run for miles.

There’s an instant urgency to escape or defend (you may be hooked up to defend/attack, or defend/run). Or both.

So who would you be without the belief that you’re not safe when someone pokes into your opinions, when they disagree with you, when they confront you, when they zing in with something that feels painful?

Political discussions are awesome for this process.

Do you notice how freaked out everyone can get on occasion? How riled up and emotional?

Who would I be without the belief that they shouldn’t get so intense over there?

I’d be holding still a minute. I’d be connected, wondering the purpose of their presence here, for my own awareness. I wouldn’t jump.

I’d be entirely here, listening. Watching the part that doesn’t want to hear any more.

(I might simply move away if there was a huge storm, but not with that emergency wild I-hate-this determination).

Turning the thoughts around:

They have a right to their life, their opinion. It is safe.

How could this be just as true, or even truer?

Really look.

How is it a good thing that these people hold their beliefs, their opinions, or behave in the way they’re behaving?

How is it of benefit, even, to you that they have spoken out, or called YOU out?

One helpful way to find your truth in this is to see what is being done or said and write it down.

For example, one person said once “you are all idiots if you don’t show up at that event!” to an audience of listeners. I was in the audience.

Instead of saying “what a jerk!” I can take a look….have I been an idiot ever?

Ha ha. Well. YEAH.

He was right.

I could also see the pain in that person’s words, that he felt frightened and upset.

How would it work more easy for me in the world…..to give that objectional person my righteous opinion, and join in the fear…..or to relax in their presence?

I notice relaxing and connecting is more beautiful. For ME.

I don’t like wars that much (working on it)!

The thing is….when you have a disagreement with someone, it’s not going to feel glorious and like floating on clouds. You will have energy rise up. I always do, every time.

But you don’t have to throw your energy at the other person like a hand grenade. You don’t’ have to run for the hills.

You can remain standing on the field and say “I’d like to hear more, and it would help me feel calmer if you stopped yelling or calling names” or “I see you’re wanting to get a point across, and I’m listening” or (and this I learned from the late Marshall Rosenberg) “it sounds like you have a need for everyone to join you and to feel more connected, is that true?”

“One of the things that I understood about thoughts appearing inside me was that I was someone to be trusted with them. I was the vessel that they could appear in and finally be met with unconditional love.  The same thoughts also came to me through my children, when they wer free to tell me how they felt. They came through every other form of communication. They couldn’t come fast enough for me, because I knew what to do with them. From my children’s mouths or from my mind I put the on paper, and I inquired. I treated them as what they wer: visting friend, neighbors I had misunderstood, who were kind enough to knock on my door again. Everyone is welcome here.” ` Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Could that intensity I have judged so strongly, be my intensity?

Turning the thoughts around again: My thinking is wrong. My intensity is too intense to keep inside. My intensity is an alarm ringing to examine and feel fear. My opinions about myself are not important, they are incorrect, they are too low, they are too high.

Wow. All this has been true.

What is here, without any thought about what should or shouldn’t be said?

Can I notice the beauty of this empty spacious moment, even when someone sticks a sharp word at me?

Yes.