I have to plan, this must go well, everyone needs to love it or enjoy themselves.
Have you ever had that thought about an upcoming event?
I’m getting ready to leave for Breitenbush in 2 days to facilitate the wonder of doing The Work for almost 5 days (maybe 2 spots left by the way–reply to this email if you want information).
But the thing about having something you’re anticipating….
….whether a theater production, a wedding, a trial, an educational program, a major transition, a conversation, a workshop….
….is we often think (this is the little stressy part) that we HAVE to make it really good. We need to plan.
Like we’re the ones in charge.
Well, OK, I’ll speak for myself.
I notice the little chirping thoughts over in the back corner, and I think about getting ready and anticipating the movement towards this retreat.
They look like this:
- I should make a list so I remember everything
- What if I forget some materials? That would be TERRIBLE!
- My daughter is really sick with a cold….I CAN’T CATCH IT
- I need to organize my thoughts for the participants so I do it BEST
- The outcome needs to be really, really good
Sometimes people believe the weather MUST be good for something happening in the future (weddings are like this).
Or, the guests must have fun. Everyone needs to enjoy themselves. I must be admired and appreciated. I must make an impact. I need them to buy lots of copies of my new CD, or come back to more of my shows, or read my book.
This has to be successful, or I will suffer!!!
The other day it occurred to me how funny all these beliefs are.
First, you have to know what “success” looks like. And what it doesn’t look like.
Then, the mind takes off from there working full time to move towards the successful picture, and away from the failure picture.
But what if you didn’t know what success really looked like? What if you didn’t know?
What exactly IS success, then?
I chuckled realizing (once again) that success for me is feeling solidly present and connected to an inner sense of mystery in every moment.
Remember this, I also remember and know that even if it rains, or someone breaks their leg, or the technology doesn’t work, or someone gets sick, or the show starts late….
….any of the usual events we collectively think of as “bad news” can actually turn into fun stories, entertaining challenges, or ways to profoundly connect back to what is, with awe.
How?
One way to do this work is to watch a stressful image that may come to mind, something you want to NEVER happen at this upcoming event you’re anticipating.
Be really specific and dramatic with painting that picture.
Everything goes wrong.
You have the flu, you forgot all the party favors, half the people don’t show up, one person goes on and on and disrupts the entire program, there’s an earthquake, the groom is missing, everyone thinks you’re a jerk.
Write down all your complaints, all your great fears about this scenario, the picture in your mind that brings up fear.
To really look closely (if your fear is ongoing and repetitive)….take concepts one at a time through the four questions and turnarounds.
Who would you be without knowing this vision is possible, or true?
Who would you be without the belief that something going wrong means the whole thing isn’t successful?
Who would you be without the belief that the things that COULD go wrong would ultimately be truly bad?
What if even these upsetting things might have interesting, or beneficial, outcomes?
This is what Byron Katie calls the Turnaround to Number 6 on your worksheet.
You’ve answered the question….what is it that you never ever want to experience in this situation?
You’ve got your list (like mine above).
Here’s what it looks like when you turn them around:
- I am willing to forget things (like materials I plan on handing out) and to not make good lists. I look forward to being disorganized and having things move anyway–without my plans (something always happens, I notice).
- I am willing to get sick. I look forward to the slowness of it, the rest I would take.
- I am willing to know nothing clear in this moment with respect to participants. I look forward to discovering this later, when its really needed.
- I am willing for the outcome to be really, really strange, different, “bad”. I look forward to the adventure of change, of trusting the process and right timing.
In the biggest disasters around upcoming events you’ve ever heard of happening….
….can you begin to find even the tiniest benefit for it going that way?
As I look at all the retreats and workshops I’ve led, I see incredible benefit for every time something went “wrong”.
I learned about guiding a group to shorten their shares, I learned to interrupt people when they were chasing down a long story and explaining themselves (and interrupt myself telling stories), I learned to ask for help tracking time, I learned to be flexible no matter what the environmental circumstances, I learned how incredible it can be to feel sick and the way it doesn’t matter in the end.
I keep learning the definition of “success” and how it crashes apart, and how that is such good news.
Because then, I can open up my hands with wide open palms relaxed and accepting, not tight fists of trying. Opening into the mystery of whatever happens.
Now, that is the most fun of all. Relaxing into just seeing what happens and where this goes.
“If there is anything like a choice, it was already happening….the stage is not set by me.” ~ Mooji in interview Buddha At The Gas Pump with Rick Archer