Are you against feeling anger?
Anger is one of the most uncomfortable, disturbing emotions humans can feel….
….especially when it’s intense and you feel like you want to break something or scream, like you have no safety, or you feel utterly powerless.
Of course The Work is brilliant. It gives you a way to look so much more clearly at the thing, the person, the incident, the world without being so sure its against you.
But sometimes when I’m working with a client, they feel really terrified of their own anger.
So terrified, they’d rather do everything possible to NOT FEEL anger, to do The Work so that they can get out of the terrible frustration of anger and resentment.
The most they can say about how they feel about that other nasty person they’re so hurt by….
….is that they’re upset.
I understand this attitude towards anger.
I used to think a lot of vicious, mean, hateful thoughts about someone I considered an “angry person”.
Can’t they at least control themselves and their reactions? Can’t they keep a calm voice? Do they really need to have a hissy fit out in the open, or act so cold and abrupt?
If you notice you have a lot of persistent judgments about other angry people, maybe people who lose their temper regularly, people who cuss quickly, or people who attack others verbally (or physically)….
….and something doesn’t appear to shift when you question your beliefs, then you may think some of the following thoughts.
And it may be confining your freedom of expression and discovering truly who you are.
If you’re blocked up about feeling anger….
….you might feel very stuck, with no way out.
Here are some common thoughts Anger-Resistant people might jump to quickly, if they feel a shred of anger:
- The event or incident is in the past, so there’s no point in drudging it up and talking about it now.
- I’m over it, I don’t feel angry anymore.
- My focus is on forgiveness….I’m a forgiving person, I don’t want to make war so I’ll keep it to myself.
- That person was having a hard time, a bad day, he was really tense…she probably didn’t really mean what she said. I’m understanding.
- I do the very same things that he does, so I can’t really blame him. He’s an asshole, I’m an asshole. I’ll just work on me.
- If it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t have behaved that way or said those horrible things. It’s my fault, too.
- I don’t want to focus on the negative qualities in her, she has so many wonderful qualities I’d rather focus on those. I prefer positive thinking!
In the book Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton, he suggests that when we’re thinking or deciding what to do about someone we’re angry with….
….we’re suppressing our own anger.
Oooh. Rats.
I thought I was going to be able to avoid facing my own rage, criticism, rebellion or irritation with my friend, my partner, my kid, my mom or dad.
Can’t we just skip this and get to the good part, where everyone loves each other?
No.
That’s what I love about the first step of The Work.
You sit and write down everything you’re so angry about (call it upsetif you need to) and get it all down on paper.
Then get help.
Have someone facilitate you.
Don’t leave yourself alone, don’t do it all by yourself.
When you have someone who can hear and witness your fury, even if it is completely unreasonable, you begin to jostle loose all that anger that’s been shoved under the carpet.
At least that’s what’s happened for me.
I feel normal, instead of like a bad person, for having feelings that could be called “anger”.
It’s energy being invited forward. It’s an alarm clock ringing for attention.
Instead of bashing it down, I can take a look at it, give it respect!
If you’ve been holding back….
….maybe today, you can start filling out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
Without editing.
But if you can’t quite do that yet….
….start questioning the beliefs in the bulleted list above.
Are you sure they are true?
“Underlying beliefs are the building blocks of your concept of heaven and your concept of hell. They show exactly how you think you would improve reality if you had your way, and how bad reality could look if your fears came true.” ~ Byron Katie
This includes beliefs about expressing anger, being angry, feeling anger, what kind of person shows anger, writing down angry thoughts.
Who would you be without the belief that what you feel (rage) is wrong?
You might let yourself write the most honest worksheet of your life.