Grace Notes

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Eating Peace – Hold Still With Anxiety For 60 Seconds

Yesterday, I talked about POWER and how it relates to this life with eating food….and how twisted up it can get.

(To read the post if you missed it, click here).

When I was eating frantically, or running at 6 am for 3 miles in the dark, or hanging my head over the toilet to throw up the huge amount of food I just ate….I felt very, very powerless.

My mind got stuck on my powerlessness over food and eating.

When I calmed down from a binge or purge episode, I would begin to feel just a little better again, I would feel a little rested, not so awful and full of self-condemnation, not quite so anxious.

I might have a day or two, or a week or two, where I stayed on a food plan or a diet, or follow my rules of what is “good” to eat and avoid what was “bad” to eat.

Then I’d feel like I could handle my life, things were going OK, nothing horrendous to report from the battlefield, all quiet on the front.

But the problem was, I was worried that I would lose control again wildly, unimaginably, and I wasn’t even sure why. It seemed to happen over and over again. I would cling to that food plan like it was my saving grace, as long as I stayed on it.

(Nothing wrong with food plans, by the way….they can be very stabilizing and give you the gift of knowing what to do and when to eat if you’re super confused).

What I really wanted was a relaxation that seemed impossible. To never, ever worry about food, eating, diet, my body size, or what I was or wasn’t eating again.

I wanted my whole entire problem to GO AWAY.

I tried everything to eliminate it and make it go away. I just wanted something to “work” and help me stay on solid ground for more than a few days or a few weeks (I once controlled myself on a food plan for over a year…but then that crashed as well).

It really seemed like the way people made changes in the world was to take control of a situation, use willpower, force, determination, persistence, motivation.

Most of the diet books and books on food used these kinds of words and offered tremendous structure and how to stick with something without getting thrown off course.

But none of that can work if you feel frightened of being in the opposite field…of being in the state of having no control, no clear way to change, no guarantees, no answer, no solution.

I found out, the very hard and difficult way, that I had to accept the places I had NO power at all….to find where I did.

Where did I have zero power or control in my life?

I started with a list of where I had no power when it came to food and eating, it seemed….and then expanded to where ELSE I had no power.

My list looked something like this:

I am powerless over these urges to binge, I am powerless over cravings, wanting to stuff my face, hunger and fullness. I am powerless over the exact appearance of my body, powerless over cellulite, the exact shape of my thighs or stomach, the way my face is designed.

I am powerless over other people and how they behave or talk with me or what they are thinking, I am powerless over the weather, I am powerless over my boss, my job, the traffic, how much time I have.

I am powerless over my emotions especially anger, sadness or fear. I’m powerless over what happens every day. I am powerless over my spiritual path. I’m powerless over achieving spiritual enlightenment!

Now, being powerless in itself is not necessarily upsetting…unless it is.

That’s where your key to understanding and clarity can burst open…when you feel yourself being upset at whatever you feel powerless over.

How do you begin?

Write down ONE troubling situation where you feel really powerless, something that scares you, something troubling you really hate in life.

It doesn’t have to be about food and eating.

In fact…if you see what else besides food and eating and your body feel powerless, you might crack into some deeper beliefs that sit inside you and fuel your urges to eat when you aren’t hungry.

Then use inquiry to explore and investigate your experience.

I am powerless over my anxiety.

(You might write a person’s name, what someone said to you, what someone thinks of you or did to you, a place, an incident, something about your body…anything you feel powerless over).

Now ask…why is that upsetting?

Let’s look at being powerless over anxiety.  A lot of people who fall into addictive activities feel upset about having anxiety, right?

Why would you want power over your feeling of anxiety?

Because I hate feeling anxious, it feels sickening. I want to feel relaxed at all times, and happy!!

Why do you not want to feel anxious? Are you sure you don’t?

What if instead of being hateful and something to be controlled…anxiety was here to offer you something important?

What’s the reality of anxiety?

It exists!

“Argue with reality, and you lose, but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie

What happens when you hate anxiety, and you feel anxious?

I lower my eyes and don’t look at people. I try to pretend I’m not anxious when I walk down the halls. I hide under the covers. I soothe myself with food. I don’t say what I feel.

Who would you be if you couldn’t even have that thought that anxiety is bad?

Oh. Strange!

Yes, it’s odd…but what if you didn’t even know that the feeling we’re calling “anxiety” was called “anxiety”? What if you just felt it, coursing through your body, without a label?

Wow. I’d notice high energy, something that wants to run. I’d also notice what it’s like to look around, see the space and air and windows and people or activity around me.

I’d pause and look around, with this feeling running.

If you turn the thought around to the opposite….see what that is like, as you examine and feel “anxiety”….

….I want to feel anxious. This is OK to be feeling this feeling. 

How could that be true?

“Quite simply, if you’re feeling anxious, angry, a sense of shame, whatever it is, breathe in and agree to touch or feel it. Breathing out, offer space and care to whatever’s there. If there’s blocking to touching it, emphasize the in-breath and stay embodied.” ~ Tara Brach

Try it and see what happens. See if you can not do anything about it (like reach for food).

See if you can not leave yourself when you’re anxious and try to get rid of it.

Are you OK?

I found, that’s the only place I have any power. To simply be with what is.

“Existence can feel overwhelming sometimes; the waves in life’s ocean can be so intense that it feels like we will be destroyed if we go any further, and the only solution seems to be to shut down and distract ourselves from present experience…But as the ocean itself, as the vast space of consciousness that holds all of these beloved waves, you can never truly be destroyed.” ~ Jeff Foster

We’ll work more with anxiety and not trying to escape it in the Eating Peace program coming up…but you can try it today without waiting.

See what happens if you stop and do nothing for even one minute when you feel anxious, and your mind is full of plans and ideas and thoughts of quick escape.

Wait for 60 seconds before running to eat something. You can eat in 60 seconds, so don’t worry, you’ll still get to eat. But pause and see what the anxiety is saying first….you may be surprised.

You may find the urge to eat….dissolves.

Really.

Much love, Grace

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Eating Peace – Power, A Missing Ingredient For Ending Food Battles

Eating, food, weight, bingeing, hunger.

Trouble.

Why does it happen? What’s going on?

I’m going to talk about one puzzle piece critical for eating peace that you can use every day over the next couple of weeks.

These are elements or energies that have come together to dissolve angst around food and eating for me, and for many people I’ve worked with.

I’m starting with the most important, at least for me.

Power.

Everyone who has ever binge-eaten or starved themselves or pushed themselves to exercise when they didn’t like it or want to…anyone who has forced, used discipline, used restraint, or pushed themselves, is using a certain energy of “power” to “make” something happen.

The thing you may also have noticed, is it never lasts. It takes so much control.

Or, your urge to binge or eat something is greater than the urge to NOT eat it.

So you wind up feeling powerless rather than powerful when you use control. At least I always did.

Feeling powerless is pretty disheartening. Sometimes, it’s so awful, you’d do anything not to feel it.

What do you feel powerless over in your life, besides food and eating?

It can be like opening a can of worms. But really, it’s only looking. You don’t have to do anything with it, except look.

One area I really notice (still do from time to time) is other people’s criticism of me.

When did this first ever happen?

My family, of course. Mom. Dad. Grandpa. Grandma. Sisters.

When someone appeared critical…what did you feel? What were you thinking?

How did you react when you heard those words of criticism?

For so many people with food and eating issues, someone they really wanted to be close to, like their mom, said something about their body, their appearance, their eating…..and it hurt.

Or….your mom or dad may not have ever said anything to you directly at all (that’s how it was in my family) but instead you heard your mom criticizing herself! Or dad criticizing! Or grandpa!

How I reacted when I heard that people could make mistakes, do it wrong, be condemned, be criticized was….

….terrified. 

I’ll do whatever it takes to NOT get criticized!

Other people have the opposite reaction….they might fight, argue, lash out, or hurt the people who they perceive as critical of them (kinda like that effort-to-control type energy).

But the end result is the same.

Fear, sadness, great discouragement, separation, and a feeling of powerlessness, maybe even literal low energy, like your battery is run down.

Who would you be without the belief that someone else’s judgment is intolerable, or means something bad, or means you aren’t good enough?

Who would you be if you didn’t think that person’s words had so much power, if they weren’t TRUE?

I would feel like I’m no longer in the electric chair, full of jolts of anxiety.

I would feel spacious, looking over there at that upset person, or that critical person with the red face, or hearing those mean words “being fat is ugly” or “people who eat a lot are pigs” or “eating vegetables makes me good, and if I don’t, I’m bad.”

I would be free to start from here, right now.

I would notice I feel the cut of criticism going into me, and then out the other side. I would stay connected to that person, because I can’t help it, I am connected anyway.

If you turn the thoughts around about hearing criticism, or judgment….and you allowed it to be there, let it happen, like rain and wind blowing in a storm….what would that be like? How would you behave, how would you feel, what would you do, or say?

I wouldn’t brace against the words, or the eyes looking at me….I accept this, I am safe, it is OK to hear this, it doesn’t mean it is true, I am good enough, I am powerful, I am loveable.

When I was looking at how powerless I felt so long ago when it came to overeating and undereating and the whole cycle, I began to find out clearly where I felt powerless, and inquire. It didn’t matter if it had nothing to do with food (it pretty much never does).

Where do you feel you were powerless, or still feel powerless and frightened? What scares you about other people especially, and what they are thinking or saying when they are critical?

How would you feel, right now in this moment, if you were incredibly, beautifully, lovingly powerful?

Here’s a love-power image for you: Picture a big, wide, glowing rope of light hooked to the bottoms of your two feet. These glowing ropes are golden in color. They are the width and length of your feet.

Picture those beams or ropes of light going into the earth, one foot deep, then two feet, then six feet, then on and on, into the core of the center of the earth. They are holding you like Wonder Woman to the earth, solidly, connected, rooted.

Who would you be if you lived this turnaround that you are safely tethered to the earth with the ability to move about, play, walk, speak up, love….even if people look at you and criticize you and judge you (including yourself)?

“The only different between the life you are living and the life you want to live is the feeling of being appreciated, loved and accepted. Unconditionally.” ~ Cheri Huber

You can give this to yourself. I know it seems like you can’t or won’t sometimes, when you hear that critical voice within.

But you can. You have the power.

Much love, Grace

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What Isn’t True About Feedback

Have you ever really wanted to know what someone thought of you, or what they thought of something you did, or something you said, or something you created?

Or have you noticed….maybe you’re afraid to find out?

Long ago when I was in a therapy support group, one of the principles for how everyone interacted was that you were supposed to tell the truth, give feedback, and if you had something that bugged you with someone else in the group…you had to clear it up before anything else happened in the group that session.

Woah. It was soooo scary to me.

We were even offered a script to follow when you had a “clearing”.

You began by saying “when you said/did/looked like x, what I thought it meant about me was ______.”

You then went on to find out if what you were thinking had any truth to it at all. You spoke from the heart, without demanding that anyone change. The other person listened, then got to respond.

It was like clouds had parted over a very dark sky.

If you’re disturbed by someone, you can SAY something!? Wow!!

Recently, I asked all the people who had ever taken my teleclasses or programs on food and eating to answer a few questions anonymously and tell me their thoughts.

Even though I knew about clearings from way back then in those groups, I wouldn’t have been able to ask for feedback in quite the same way only a few years ago….especially not before The Work.

I got to read the most amazing feedback.

There was a huge, big range of comments and experiences!

(Funny how it’s called “feedback” by the way…speaking of food issues).

Quite a few people felt a class or program changed their experience of food, eating, their body image, and gave them new ways to look at their relationship with food, or their appearance, that was never the same again….and they’ve been growing in this awareness ever since, doing inquiry and seeing what it’s like to question thought.

Some people said they can’t remember what the class content was like, but they know it made a positive difference and they continue to watch what they think and feel to see what’s really true.

Some people said they understood some new principles for themselves and get self-inquiry, but it hadn’t really sunk in, they still struggled on a daily basis with eating or self-criticism around their body.

And one person said it was a huge disappointment and nothingchanged for them.

Yikes!

This is so powerful, especially for this thing in life called honest contact with others.

But here’s what is different about reading all the feedback than how it used to be:

It inspired me!

For the participants who didn’t get everything they wanted, I knew that only 8 weeks of investigating thoughts and practicing inquiry wouldn’t really blow the lid off a whole lifetime of using food to feel better or alter feelings, and stop the insanity.

I knew I needed to offer more, to somehow get what I’ve learned out of my head and my heart into a format that works for everyone, or a big major percentage of the people for sure, not just for some.

Plus, I already know everyone’s got their own path to peace. I may or may not have anything to do with it.

Here’s a way you can use feedback to help you, rather than scare you, if you’ve gotten some that feels a little (or a lot) painful.

Identify what hurts the most. For me, the thing that popped out most was “huge disappointment”.

Then begin to see and feel what the inner voice has to say about this comment, what feels painful, what’s terrible about what you’ve heard.

I let someone down, I should have made a difference, I should have offered more, I can’t deliver the answers well enough, I don’t have answers for other people (and I should), I’ll never be successful in serving, my approach wasn’t good enough, it’s too hard to relay healing in this area, people are still suffering, my service is pointless, we’re all alone….

If you’ve ever failed, or had difficult feedback, notice what your mind says about it.

Is it true?

Yes. Failure. Over. Didn’t do well. Missed the mark.

People feel this way about so many relationships, not even just feedback that isn’t “good”.

Can you really know it’s true, though? Are you positively sure?

No.

Who would you be without the thought that you did it wrong, you were a huge disappointment, you weren’t good enough, what you’re doing is pointless, you aren’t successful, and you should have done it differently?

Eager to create more. Excited to see what happens next.

Noticing life went THAT way, not THIS way.

Watching people come and go, for all kinds of reasons.

What if the turnarounds were just as true, or even truer than the original thoughts the mind comes up with, about what feedback means?

I let myself down, I am making a difference, I should have offered more for my sake, I can deliver the answers (and questions) that I have, I shouldn’t have answers for other people, I am successful in serving, my approach was good enough, it’s easy to relay healing in this area, people are no longer suffering, my service is meaningful for me….

I love that it’s all a process and a journey. There is learning, growth, and a unique timeline for everyone.

“Surrender has been part of all forms of spirituality because it is a means and invitation to do something that almost everything in us is hooked up to NOT do…which is to let go. Failure is the means to success. That place where nothing works is the place where everything works….But as long as you’re running towards or away from something, you’re in the game of illusion.” ~ Adyashanti

Without the belief that I should have, I shouldn’t have, I can’t, I can, or anything else I think something means….I don’t know what anything means.

I look around at this beautiful day, I hear a low hum of silence, a small airplane in the distance, a mailbox opening in the neighborhood, I feel my feet against the floor, my lungs take a huge deep breath.

Anyone can have this. Right now. Anyone can stop, feel, wait, slow down.

Anyone can see what took them out of the present and into feeling hurt…and perhaps into eating or drinking or smoking or whatever it was.

Anyone can do the work.

Much love, Grace

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Welcome To Eating Peace–It’s Possible For Anyone

First of all, thank you for being here, for being on this list that goes to only people interested in issues around eating, your relationship to food, body image, your weight.

I got tons of feedback about what your greatest frustration is around this topic, what you have gotten from doing The Work on your beliefs when it comes to food or anything related, and if you have a question for me now.

No matter where you are in your understanding and experience of eating and food….you aren’t the only one feeling this way. That part I know for sure.

And I probably felt every way you can possibly feel when it comes to food.

Angry, hopeless, enraged, terrified, sad, depressed…..

…..and then just a little hopeful, relaxed, accepting, trusting, honest…..

…..and then I began to notice the crazy urge to obsess, think about food, be concerned with what was junk or not junk food, or to see myself in the mirror and feel disgusted….

…..all shrink away. That way of being was walking off into the distance over the horizon, slowly but surely, and then it disappeared.

No fighting urges or cravings, no willpower necessary, no discipline, no need to get motivated.

I still have critical self-talk, I still have impulsive ideas or thoughts spring forward that aren’t true, but they just don’t ever seem to have to do with food and eating.

It’s like it’s not necessary to have a behavior manifest or surface at that level anymore.

People have asked me for several years…more than several years, to be honest…how did you do this? 

How did I get to where I no longer had to even think about food and eating anymore?

The other day, I was reading some literature on emotional eating, especially eating disorders, and the expert author said something like “this is a lifelong practice, since we always have to eat every day, so it requires care and attention for the rest of one’s life.”

When someone writes or says something like that, I shake my head.

It is not true.

I was an anxious mess around food. My weight went up and down, it doesn’t even matter that the range it went up and down wasn’t very much, it was either binge-eating or starving or worrying.

Never any peace.

But now, it is not in my consciousness to have food be something more than a great pleasure in life, to eat when hungry, and to stop when full.

You can have this too, I know it.

If I can experience life like this, year after year, then so can you.

For a long time, admittedly, I have resisted going into more depth on how to offer what I’ve received and healed, to others.

Part of me has thought “Ugh, I am so glad to be away from all that obsessing, I never want to hear anyone talk about calories or fatness or binges or which foods are healthy and which ones shouldn’t be eaten again for the rest of my life.”

But the truth is, no one ever really does go on and on about those things, unless they are frightened and don’t know what else to say.

I remember what that was like.

For whatever reason, I’ve been working more and more with people these past couple of years who suffer from this dilemma. They don’t feel happy and peaceful about eating, one of the basic requirements of living.

I’ve worked with young women and older women who are deeply concerned about their relationship with food, and occasionally men as well.

So, after working with so many others, offering my own journey of recovery (everyone’s will be unique in some ways) and finding out the best way to serve you….I’m offering an in-depth program for healing the way we relate to food.

This will include not only inquiry (which is a fantastic way to address the mind and its speedy quick thought process) but also how to rest, notice what is present, and feel the love surrounding you in every moment.

I’m bringing together many pieces of my favorite healing modalities, the things that helped me most of all, and leaving out the things that didn’t!

(Like, that you’ll have this as a lifelong problem—NOT!)

For me, my relationship to eating sparked my spiritual life.

It made me aware that I was not happy with reality, or myself. It “forced” me into seeking help and connecting honestly, for the first time, with people and with the reality of who I was.

I am so grateful for my terrible relationship with food and eating now. It changed the course of my life when I was a teenager….and I see now, made my life better than I could have ever expected (although it was hellish for about a decade, it seemed).

In the next few days, I’ll be sending out more information about healing from a damaged or troubling way of relating to food and eating.

I’ll also send info about this upcoming program that I’ll be offering, finally, after so many people have asked me to do something more than just the 8 week teleclass in The Work.

If you have anything you’d like to ask or that you’d like me to write about, just reply to this email.

If you think “I’ll never get over this food thing/extra weight/insecurity with eating”…..can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Who would you be without that belief?

What if the opposite was as true….or truer?

I will get over this food thing, I am over this food thing right now.

How is this possible? Can you find any examples, no matter how small, that in this moment, you are free?

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process. And there’s no choice; you believe what you think, or you question it.” ~ Byron Katie

Together, we’ll explore what it’s like to not believe your thoughts, how to find out what you’re even believing in the first place, what you really want, when it isn’t food, and how to connect with others.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. The program Eating Peace will begin on Sundays, October 26th. We’ll meet online for a webcast at 8:30 – 10 am Pacific Time. You’ll be able to listen and watch my presentation….then ask questions. We will not do The Work exclusively during these modules, that will happen on a different day/time over the 3 months ahead. More about this soon. Can’t wait to “meet” you if you’re joining.

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What If You Had Nothing To Complain About?

The definition of a complaint in the dictionary is an ailment, disease, affliction, protest, objection, grievance, grouse, sickness.

It comes from the word lament. Grief. Sorrow.

We’re told we should never complain and that people who complain are irritating.

It seems true.

And yet…I noticed once that I was complaining about complainers. I had objections to these folks. But I was doing the same thing as them….

….wishing they would stop so I could be happy.

One fantastic way to dive deeper into understanding the whole process of complaining, whether you do it internally or say it out loud, is to write down every complaint you can think of in five minutes.

You might be surprised at how many you can think up.

I wish it wasn’t so late, I wish I had more time, there’s a pen mark on the couch, someone should have emptied the dishwasher, I wish the chicken was hot, I don’t want to go buy bananas, I thought there was gas in my car already, I don’t have time to book my tickets to the retreat, I didn’t write that other email very clearly…

I mean, it can go on and on and on.

What I’ve observed over time is that I have some of the very same complaints over and over. They’re like a broken record, playing repetitively.

Those are juicy ones for inquiry.

But after you look at these in more detail…you might have fun taking a look at the overall big picture…and seeing what happens if you inquire.

Let’s do it!

There are things that are wrong, and I object to them! They’re irritating, annoying, frightening, infuriating! 

Is that true?

Yes. There are things everywhere that are upsetting, imperfect, unfortunate and worthy of complaint!

I mean…EVERYWHERE!

Can you absolutely know this is true? Are you sure?

I almost don’t know how to answer that question. It seems true. Even considering it not to be true is sort of….unusual. I’ve never heard of such a thing.

Nothing to complain about? Impossible!!!

How do you react when you believe there are so many things worthy of complaint? When you really believe its true that things are imperfect and wrong around here?

I spout off complaints. I try to find solutions. I “work” on solving problems. I try to fix the complaints and get them handled.

It’s a big project. It’s never-ending.

Well…who would you be without the thought that there’s something to complain about?

Pause.

I’m almost silenced. Without the belief that there’s a lot to be upset about here on planet earth, in my life, I’d be….I’d be….

….wow. I’m not even sure who or what I’d be.

“To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I wouldn’t be a victim. I’d be here. Now.

I’d be looking around the space I’m in, noticing the air, the feeling of this place. I’d have eyes taking in the scenery, I’d have a body doing what it does, I’d hear a dog bark and a car motor somewhere nearby, I’d smell the lotion on my hands, I’d have a mind drinking everything in.

Turning the thought around….

….there is nothing to complain about. Nothing.

“Not even knowing what’s true–just knowing what’s not true is enough, because what that leaves is the great surprise. And all you can know about it is its nature. And so you begin to live a fearless existence.” ~ Byron Katie

Just to see what its like to not believe you have something to complain about….woah.

Empty. Quiet.

“Often, the pursuit of happiness leads to sorrow…Really happy people aren’t pursuing happiness, have you noticed? But you think they got it because they pursued it! What’s not told to you is that the pursuit of happiness leads to sorrow. Even if we attain something that gives us some happiness, we know that whatever we’ve grasped won’t last forever. Even a great spiritual experience!….In the midst of all this is the sacred. Causeless happiness.” ~ Adyashanti

What if your complaints are innocent, but also…unnecessary?

What if you could decide to simply relax, rest, and not take your complaining seriously?

Now that’s exciting!

Much love, Grace

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How Do You Know You Don’t Need To Know Why?

whywhywhyOne of the most common questions people have when looking at something very troubling (or even mildly disturbing) in life is WHY?

Why did that happen?

What was the cause?

Why did I act the way I acted, why did he/she do what they did? Why did she feel that way? Why did I feel that way? Where did this come from? Why is it going the way it’s going? What’d I do?

It’s like there’s this huge thirst to understand, to comprehend our nature, or other people’s reasons for doing what they do….

….but can we really find peace in knowing why?

Today in the Relationships Hell To Heaven class, that’s what we were investigating.

I need to know why “x” happened.

Yeah! It’s absolutely true!

If I knew why she dropped our friendship, if I knew why he was so mean, if I knew why he didn’t think our relationship was enough for him, if I knew why that happened to me, if I knew why life has turned out like this, if I knew why I got cancer, if I knew why I had so little money, if I knew why she said that….

....I’d be happier.

Are you sure?

Oh.

Not really.

How do you react when you believe you need to know why…and you don’t know 100% why something is the way it is?

I HATE NOT KNOWING! Argggh!

Participants in the group inquiry yesterday looked closely at how they felt when they believed they needed to know why something went the way it did:

Angry, frustrated, ruminating on the problem, driving their car in silence and rehashing what went on in the past, analyzing.

Who would you be, though, if you couldn’t believe you need to know why, order to be truly happy?

It’s one of those bizarre ideas, noticing who I’d be without the belief that I need to know why anything is the way it is.

Like my mind tries to go down an alley, or an interesting coldesac, or down a hole, or on a journey into space, but there’s no answer….

….and it’s OK that there’s no answer.

Full stop. No need to know why in order to be happy?

Yes.

I notice I have no idea why this world is the way it actually seems, why life is like *this*, why I am alive, why I was born, why the wind blows.

In my family growing up, my parents used to play music all the time. One album they put on regularly was by the singer Odetta who was popular in the 1960s and beyond. She had a fabulous song, a variation on a tune written by Woody Guthrie, I loved since I was about five called “Why Oh Why?”

The song is the sweetest moment of a child’s bedtime.

The child asks in the song….Why is the sky so blue? Why oh why oh why?

The parent answers “…because, because, because, because… goodnight, goodnight.”

“While there is nothing to fear about our natural state of infinite Being, such a state is beyond the ego’s ability to understand, and as always, egos fear whatever they do not understand and cannot control. As soon as our identity leaves the ego realm and assumes its rightful place as the infinite no-thing-ness/every-thing-ness of awareness, all fear vanishes in the same manner as when we awaken from a bad dream.” ~ Adyashanti

Deep breath.

I turn the thought around: I don’t need to know why, if I don’t.

Isn’t that lighter, more free, rather funny even?

“How do I know that I don’t need what I want? I don’t have it.” ~ Byron Katie

I don’t have the answer.

Turns out, I don’t need an answer.

Wow! Can you find it?

Much love, Grace

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Powerless Over Your Thinking? The Steps To Freedom

In preparing to teach the most in-depth version so far I’ve ever taught of Eat In Peace, I’ve been reviewing tons of personal notes I’ve kept about addiction. I’ve read so many articles, books, graduate school curriculum on addiction, I have volumes of information.

My favorite!

Over thirty years ago I had a thirst to understand my own behavior burning in me like fire. So determined. So passionately desperate. Willing to learn, do, investigate anything in order to find balance, to find peace.

One incredible thing I noticed over time, listening to others and working with people now for quite a few years, is that humans often feel an intense craving to do anything it takes to find peace, whether they have a severe addiction to something….or not.

It’s not so much the “thing” or “substance” or “activity” itself that’s so upsetting….

….it’s the feeling of not being at home, not feeling settled, not quite feeling relaxed, or trusting, or comfortable with life.

It doesn’t matter if you overeat, over-exercise, drink too much, smoke, consume too much caffein, shop for things you don’t need, get glued to your computer, or work mega-hours with no free time….

….It’s the misunderstanding of that deep urge to do something escapist that hurts most of all.

Being a whatever-a-holic hurts.

It feels like gremlins came in and took over your brain.

Brainwashed!

The word brainwashed comes from China originally when during the Maoist regime in the 1950s the government used interrogation and coercion with prisoners of war, or even the people, to get them to support the dictatorship.

If we say someone is brainwashed, we think they’re not in control of their own mind…they’re believing false thoughts.

They’re bonkers!

Oh. Wait. Um.

Did you say….”they are believing false thoughts”?

Heh heh.

I’ve believed thoughts ALL THE TIME that weren’t really true. Like, every day. The mind is chattering away commenting on everything, and its hardly ever got the whole, complete, peaceful picture.

Even if you’ve never been an “addict” of any kind, you may notice this to be the case!

“Is it working? That’s the first fundamental insight into any addiction. ….I have never met anyone who was addicted to anything until they really came to grips with ‘this is not working’. And almost everybody is an addict. Everybody is addicted to thinking.” ~ Adyashanti

So the great question, is my thinking working for me? Or am I brainwashed?

DOH!

There’s good news though.

A dictatorship government didn’t do the brainwashing. It just happened. You didn’t know about questioning your thoughts.

You thought your mind was the one in control of everything. You thought you were running your life and that you’re the boss of it.

You aren’t.

“Your mother said ‘it’s a tree.’ You said, ‘okay’. She said ‘it’s a sky’. You said ‘sky…I’ll go with that.’ She told you your name, and you said, ‘okay’. And you never asked you.” ~ Byron Katie

Phew!

Who would you be without believing your stressful thoughts?

Even as you begin to crave consuming that thing, that person, that place, that substance, that activity you return to over and over again.

If you didn’t have this escape hatch in place (notice you aren’t really escaping anyway, I know its a bummer, but its true)….

….who would you BE? What would you DO instead? How would you FEEL?

Paraphrased and gathered from the 12 steps of AA, here’s what I found as a way to free yourself from being addicted to believing everything you think:

Grace’s Steps To Freedom

Admit you are powerless over your thinking. Notice how your life is actually not managed by you.

It’s run by something much bigger, vaster and mysterious. Call it God/Source/Silence/Tao if you want, but naming it isn’t necessary, only realize that it is inside of you and you are inside of it.

Recognize that It is here, and has been here since you can remember, whether you were being an addict or sleeping or suffering or going about your daily business. Realize also that you are not in charge of reality. Have you noticed?

Examine your mind. Question every thought, especially the ones that feel terrifying or uncomfortable. Talk to other people about what you really think, and what you’re aware of. Be honest. You are connected.

Open your hands up instead of making fists. Feel how sincere you are about relaxing, and getting what’s going on around here, and let go.

Make amends and clean up the stuff you feel like doo-doo about from the past. Do The Work on all of it. Be chill about it, don’t go overboard (that would be believing you were maybe more horrible than you really were).

Admit you’re wrong if you freak someone out or get pissy.

Practice inquiry all the time. Meditate. Feel the silence. Notice how awake you are!

Spread the love (and there’s nothing required)!

“The Tao is always at ease. It overcomes without competing, answers without speaking a word, arrives without being summoned, accomplishes without a plan.” ~ Tao Te Ching #73

If you want to get first dibs on joining Eat In Peace which will begin at the end of October for 3 months, where we’ll practice understanding how what we think leads to a troubling relationship with food–and how to undo it–then make sure you’re on the list.

Click HERE to follow the instructions to opt-in (you can unsubscribe any time) and you’ll be getting information in a few days.

Much love, Grace

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Cast Out Your Fear, With Inquiry

Before inquiry…a few very quick announcements:
  • Tomorrow in Seattle 9/28 at my cottage 4-6 pm meetup doing The Work. Beginners to experienced, all welcome. I supply materials and handouts, $10 but if you don’t have it, come anyway. Hit reply for more information. You must RSVP.
  • Mini retreat Seattle 10/4 1:30-5:30 pm learning The Work from start to finish, with the chance to learn facilitation too. 4 CEUs for mental health professionals. $70 includes snacks, tea and materials.
  • Last chance to get on the special Eat In Peace mailing list for the coming new program beginning at the end of October, a deep look at how to transform food and eating from mean to friendly. Click here to get on the early bird list.
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Yesterday in Year of Inquiry we wrapped up our month of September topic on Family of Origin. Those people who influenced us early on.

Hi Mom! Hi Dad!

Sometimes inquirers in the group have another person in theircurrent lives who bugs them instead. I always encourage them to follow their feelings and do The Work on that other person…you never know when the troubling person might actually be like mom, or dad, or brother, or sister.

We looked at the thought “that person shouldn’t scare me”.

Holy smokes…how many times have I thought this?

When I really think about it, I’ve been extremely upset with being scared.

Not only should people not scare me, but the weather shouldn’t scare me, dogs shouldn’t scare me, the future shouldn’t scare me, the past shouldn’t scare me, loud noises shouldn’t scare me, dreams shouldn’t scare me, other peoples’ stories shouldn’t scare me….

…..this entire world shouldn’t ever, ever scare me!!

I hate being scared. Who doesn’t?

But.

Let’s pause a moment, shall we?

What if fear, apparently, exists…and you allowed it to be here?

Who would you be, or what would that be like for you, if you didn’t feel afraid of feeling afraid?

It seems tiny, like a little thing.

You’d still be afraid, just not afraid of being afraid. So what’s the big deal? It’s all still hard, terrible, difficult, sad, and….well….frightening!

No….I don’t want to imagine not being afraid of being afraid. I want to have NO FEAR WHATSOEVER.

That’s what the mind will think about fear. It will try to help you find safety, to find solid ground. It’s doing its best.

Trouble is when I’ve been afraid of feeling afraid….things don’t exactly go smoothly.

Who would you be without the thought that the thing or person or place or incident shouldn’t scare you?

Weird.

But then, a little compassion for myself enters. I feel tender towards myself, like it’s OK to be afraid. Gentle to myself. Soothing.

As I turn the thought around…how could it be true or truer that the person in question should scare me?

Well….they were suggesting images of a terrible, worrisome future. They were frightened themselves, and I was connected to them. They wanted me to be careful, to not get hurt. They cared about me. They cared about themselves. They felt threatened.

“To depend on another psychologically–to depend on another emotionally–what does that imply? It means to depend on another human being for my happiness. Think about that. Because if you do, the next thing you will be doing, whether you’re aware of it or not, is demanding that other people contribute to your happiness. Then there will be a next step–fear, fear of loss, fear of alienation, fear of rejection, mutual control. Perfect love casts out fear. Where there is love there are no demands, no expectations, no dependency.” ~ Anthony DeMello

What if I was not crushed, terrified, destroyed by feeling fear?

I notice I haven’t been so far. I’m still alive.

Right?

Maybe the biggest turnaround is….

…I shouldn’t scare myself, and use other people to do it!

I shouldn’t take them so seriously. I should notice how I’ve made it so far (I haven’t died from too much fear). I’ve learned a lot in fearful situations.

“Reality is always kinder than the stories we tell about it.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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The Crack Is Where The Light Gets In

eruption_mount_st_helens_05-18-80When I was in my late teens, I discovered that people wrote books about recovering from suffering, finding peace, faith, understanding why we’re here, the meaning of life.

Before that, I thought all books were stories!

(Ha ha, you could say they all ARE stories, no matter what they’re about!)

One of the first authors who came across my world when I discovered people sharing their knowledge about life was M. Scott Peck who wrote The Road Less Traveled in 1978. I came across it when everyone was talking about it, maybe two years later.

Perfect timing for me….I just dropped out of college because of having a huge existential crisis about why I was there, what college was for, where I was going, and how to get rid of my horrible anxiety about it all.

And Mt. St. Helens had just blown up in my home state, too.

My way of handling all the stress was to think and plan and panic, kind of like somebody flailing about as they fall through open sky off a cliff.

The way I would relieve myself was to eat, eat, eat excess amounts of food. Then I’d relieve that activity by running and biking for miles and miles, or throwing up. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by sleeping and feeling depressed. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by thinking, analyzing and feeling anxious about something. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by eating….

….go back to jail, do not collect $200 (like the game of monopoly, without winning).

It got bad enough that I couldn’t concentrate on my classes anymore, or the text books we were reading. I didn’t like being graded, either. Too skittish about other peoples’ opinions, including my professors.

Oh, to have had more clear self-inquiry back then….

….but I also see it went the way it needed to go, in just the right order and timing.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeing deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” ~ M. Scott Peck

Who would you be without the belief that the time you remember in the past that was horrible and rotten, unfair and difficult…was all for nothing?

When Scott Peck spoke at the University of Colorado at Boulder when I lived near there, I immediately signed up to see him.

He may have been one of the first speakers I ever saw who was not playing music or acting on stage. He was just sharing his wisdom, over years of having conversations with people about their deepest woes.

I remember sitting in the audience and thinking “Wait. He’s a regular person! He has cigarettes in his front shirt pocket! What’s that all about!?”

Right then, I discovered that I had no idea what wisdom looked like. I had no idea what freedom really meant. I didn’t know what was really good or bad, right or wrong…all of it was all mixed up together and my thinking couldn’t sort it all out with firm answers.

I knew that Scott Peck was very imperfect, but he was a brilliant author and he helped many people, including me.

Who would you be without the belief that you have to have it all together, do it “right”, be good, even eat a certain way in order to be acceptable and worthy, in order to feel peace?

Whew.

I notice that what happened for me is…I stopped smoking cigarettes in my twenties because they made me feel like crap and being dominated by something like tobacco pissed me off (my own mind was bad enough, and I had a rebellious streak).

I stopped binge-eating because it slowly fell away as I studied my own anxiety and became as honest as possible about who I really was in any given moment, with or without food.

Slowly but surely, it seems my thoughts are less and less important because when I look at them directly, it’s hard to believe they are true.

But even when I believe them….and even if you believe yours….

….there is something OK, unknown, mysterious and beyond-you about it.

Keep going.

You don’t have to be perfect to be wise.

Neither do the people around you.

“Ring the bells that still can ring 
Forget your perfect offering 
There is a crack in everything 
That’s how the light gets in.” 

~ Leonard Cohen

If you’re interested in the upcoming Eat In Peace program, a 12 week journey of understanding our relationship to eating, food and our bodies….click HERE to get on the early-bird list for more information which is coming very soon.

Much love, Grace

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Do You Know The Difference Between Ghost Hunger And Real Hunger?

One of the first places I experienced deep, horrible, shameful suffering was in the way I ate.

It all started pretty young for me.

I remember “knowing” that people were “good” when they ate salad, broccoli and apples, and “bad” when they ate half a pizza, candy, or big bowls of ice cream.

I was eight.

Slowly the building blocks of beliefs came together to make a perfect storm of being freaked out around eating.

The culture and society praising thin, parents having wildly high expectations of themselves and of me, the beliefs that big feelings were to be shoved under the carpet or you’d make a fool outta yourself, and the incredible comfort of eating food.

Put that all together and you’ve got fear, anger, sadness, and more fear.

It took some heavy work and amazing encounters with wise teachers, and learning to be really honest, to find my freedom.

After a few years went by, people began to ask me about my recovery, how it happened, what it was like….and could I help.

I was hesitant.

It was trickier than I thought.

Fast forward after many years of insight, awareness, reading, learning, a master’s degree, group therapy, individual therapy, family therapy, and finding The Work of Byron Katie….

….and I loved the simplicity of identifying all those beliefs I had as an eight year old kid and a teenager, and questioning if they were really true.

My first telecourse to help break apart the pattern of eating too much or too little, of dieting or obsessing or freaking out about food, was in 2010.

I kept updating it, noticing what worked, what didn’t work, what helped, what didn’t help.

I’ve taught the course 21 times.

The last time I offered Eating Peace was nine months ago.

I’ve been waiting to roll it out again, because I’ve been researching, writing, and compiling piles of information about what’s been missing in supporting people to get to freedom around food.

I surveyed and interviewed almost everyone who participated in the last group…

…and some who participated in classes even before that one…

…and I learned some very important things.

People understood how to question their thinking, they learned how to relax more with food, they felt more self-acceptance in their bodies, they could question some of those big weird beliefs like “I should be thin to be loved” or “I have a problem with food” and turn these thoughts around…

BUT…

…only a few participants felt permanent change in their daily relationship to food and eating, or their bodies.

Sometimes, participants felt enormous relief and flooded with peace. They wouldn’t feel like eating so much, they might not even start a binge.

Then a few days would go by, or a few weeks or months…and the urge to eat would appear again with a vengeance.

Here’s what I found, if you are someone who’s experienced ANY kind of ongoing addictive pattern where you use SOMETHING to alter your mood, whether food, sex, shopping, smoking, drinking, facebooking, whatever…..

….This is all about your beliefs about you, and your conflicted feelings about safety, power, rest, love, sadness, satisfaction, hunger, fullness, independence, aloneness and who you really are.

What I have found by studying myself and other people is, the only way to get to the bottom of the compulsion for food when you are not actually hungry, or the compulsion to starve yourself when you are…

…is to catch that very moment–it speeds by so fast it’s like a flicker of something on a movie screen–before you feel like consuming or exercising or DOING something.

It’s whatever is there that says “I cannot stand being in this moment, I have to do SOMETHING, I don’t feel good.”

There are simple ways to begin to find out how to identify ghost hunger from real hunger, and to stop mistrusting yourself and treating yourself so meanly.

I’m going to dive in again with a group to not only investigate the mind, but also to investigate feelings….maybe even feel them.

It does take practice and it’s a process, not an instant fix.

One thing I learned about the teleclass was that 8 weeks is a great introduction, but it’s not enough time.

We’re going to meet for twice that time. For four months, I’m going to help you get clear about this Food Thing, and practice relaxation.

We’ll practice Being….and Doing Nothing….when it comes to this “problem” with food, this problem you may have had for almost all your life, give or take a day or two.

Here’s the good news:

The mind can be your friend to investigate food, eating, craving, compulsion, powerlessness, discouragement, emptiness, and fear.

If you would like to be on the early-bird list to learn about this new program for making friends with food, eating and your body…

…then click here.

If you have a friend or a family member or colleague who you think would like to be on the list for the upcoming news for Eat In Peace, please click here to forward this Grace Note to them: Blue.

I can’t wait to work with everyone who signs up.

Freedom from thinking and feeling bad about food is possible for everyone.

Even you. Especially you.

“Imagine not being frightened by any feeling. Imagine knowing that nothing will destroy you. That you are beyond any feeling, any state. Bigger than. Vaster than. That there is no reason to use drugs because anything a drug could do would pale in comparison to knowing who you are.” ~ Geneen Roth

Much love, Grace