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Tell the full truth today, with love and honesty. Then allow life to move and see what happens.

Yesterday I was doing all kinds of business-ish work-ish errand-ish stuff after returning from a long almost three week vacation.

Writing, answering emails, deleting emails, paying bills, checking bank account, participating in a teleclass, fixing errors, updating spreadsheet of participants in Year of Inquiry, opening and throwing away mail, mapping out my year into summer 2016, creating a flyer for a cancer support group in Seattle starting in October, taking my daughter to high school to pay all her senior year fees, shopping for school supplies, moving the laundry forward.

You get the idea.

As I approached the late afternoon, I felt the excitement of a new year-long group starting at 5 pm via telecall.

As always there was a last-minute flurry of emails and phone calls about Year of Inquiry, even though really, it’s only just begun and people could start almost any time this month without a problem.

Then this thing happened that’s happened several times in the past few years of facilitating telegroups.

During this call, the very first one–and only the first one–my connection to the call drops.

People are emailing “I don’t hear you anymore” and “it’s saying the moderator has left the conference” and “is there something wrong with the sound?”

Last year, when I started the very first Eating Peace 3.5 month program (which happens next this fall and through the holidays) there was a storm on the first day, the power went out in my entire neighborhood, and I had to drive to the nearest Starbucks and sit outside while using their wifi.

The year before that, on the first Relationship Hell to Heaven course call, my internet suddenly dropped and I had to use my cell phone to dial-in and couldn’t find my own number at first, while people were waiting.

Last night, I was using a new way to connect to my teleconference with Web Call and it dropped and I couldn’t even tell it dropped–I was just talking away until someone raised their hand (which I can see on my computer screen) to let me know I was gone.

Weird that it’s been the very first call.

Isn’t that a bad way to begin??!!

Ah ha! Something for The Work!

Here’s the belief, the general thinking:

The first call should be informative, clear sound, no technical difficulties, inspiring to everyone on the call, fascinating, stimulating, “go well”. People should feel happy they’re participating. It should feel like YES and be connecting, fun, easy. This new experience should be good.

Like a first date.

Or a job interview.

Or checking in to your hotel on a vacation, or getting that perfect campsite on your backpacking trip.

Or childhood.

Or getting over a disease.

Or dying.

This is no uncommon thought system of beliefs.

It should go well. Smoothly, easily, calmly. Everything should be wonderful. There should be a feeling of happiness, humor, joy, pleasure and peace about it.

Any of it. Any of these things.

But is that true?

Sure! (Says my immediate answer from the seeker of enjoyment, ease and pleasure in life).

Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Yes. Pause. Yes. It seems so true. It seems like it’s better if it goes smoothly and easily and well.

Although I begin quickly to see that I have my version of “going smoothly” and my version of “going well” and my propensity to believe in ease-at-all-times is better than messy.

And what if this is not “my” version? What if it’s just an idea, a belief, passed on from previous generations and shared by humanity?

How do I react when I believe something, anything, should go “well” (and I see what well means to me as clearly as day)?

When it doesn’t, I’m angry.

Sometimes furious.

I’m bitter, I’m anxious, I’m sad.

Who would I be without the belief that something should go well, the first impression should be excellent, that nothing should be upsetting or disconnecting….

….even death, for example?

About a thousand times more interested in whatever is messy, chaotic, wild.

Accepting of it all.

Unworried.

The first call should be uninformative, bad sound, technical difficulties, uninspiring to everyone on the call, uninteresting, dull, “go poorly”. People should feel unhappy they’re participating. It should feel like NO and be disconnecting, hard, boring. This new experience should be difficult.

OK then.

But really….funny as this sounds….how could this be as true, or truer?

I find three examples.

1) If someone is really freaked out or disturbed by one phone call, this probably isn’t the right place for them–they can quickly and efficiently withdraw

2) I can see how I am not calling the shots or in control–and how quickly someone wrote to alert me so that I could make a change. I notice I didn’t have to know before I needed to.

3) Messiness and Not Knowing (see yesterday’s Grace Note) is more the norm and when I get to practice inquiring into these disturbances, the end is laughter and relaxation, and joy

Without this belief that something has to go well?

I might try more new stuff.

In fact, that’s what happened with more inquiry, the more I did it.

Life became messier, more unexpected, full of mistakes, riskier (in a good way).

Today, I get to remember how much I like this new down-in-the-street way of life, gritty, real, throw caution to the wind….

….and smile with the feeling of Bring It On.

“You feel bad? But it’s pure innocence. If I believe it, I have to live out of it. I can try and try and try, I can use positive affirmations, but under these affirmations, what I really believe is what drives me to act. And it rules me. And I pretend, and I hate myself. Feel it. It’s violence…..We want war to end in the world, but basically we think that war works in our lives.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice being against even phone interruptions and technical difficulties creates a violent edge, or a frightened edge.

What if I were for whatever happened?

Whether a phone call dropping, or a terrible childhood, or dying….it would be a wild, amazing adventure.

Full of all the range of emotions, and love, and change, and messiness, and laughter.

And gratitude.

I had to tell you about the place I’m visiting, because this is the kind of story I love.

I’m in a gorgeous area in the world called The Cotswolds, rolling hills of England with dark green forests, beautiful open fields dotted with sheep, yellow-colored stone cottages 300-500 years old, stone walls rolling up and down every field and lane, footpaths everywhere for people.

You can literally walk to anywhere you wish, through back yards and fields and acres and parks and villages as if cars didn’t exist. It feels like humans have walked these paths for centuries.

I could almost hear them in the wind.

I love how Byron Katie says to keep the good stories, they aren’t disturbing you.

The thing about it is, I know it’s a story.

In my mind I have visions of Lord of The Rings, Robin Hood, Jane Austen, gentry on horses, running through the woods with a bow and arrow.

Being in magical surroundings like this makes ME feel magical.

And I suppose that’s the same thing that happens when I’ve questioned unhappy stories using The Work.

There’s a lightness of being that’s open and curious.

You can do this too, right now, no matter what’s going on in your environment.

It doesn’t have to look like England to be romantic, or abundant, or exciting.

I’m looking around, so delighted and fascinated, wondering about peoples’ accents, clothing, what they put in their windows, remembering my childhood years in London (double cream for tea, yum).

Love, Grace

Here’s a Grace Note slightly reworked from 2012 when they were young.

I received a wonderful question today from an inquirer that was very familiar.

The question went something like this: I know mentally, cognitively, intellectually that things are OK when it comes to (fill in the blank–relationship, my kid, money, my weight, career, death, success, time, enlightenment) but I don’t really FEEL it.

It’s not sinking in. I still feel upset, unhappy, depressed.

Boy, I’ve had this experience before!

The intense desire for things to be different than they are, the persistent wish to feel better about something.

• I want good, happy feelings at work
• I don’t want to have this anxious, nervous feeling in my stomach
• I want excited and romantic feelings in my relationship
• I’m not sure what life is for, what I’m doing here
• I’m ugly, fat, addicted, wrong
• I don’t know what to do about my kid, my spouse, my friend
• Money just never seems to work out well for me
• There’s never enough time

It seems like these kinds of blanket thoughts don’t really target a specific person or a very specific situation that is clearly disturbing.

It’s more like there’s a general worry, a wide, broad uncomfortable thought, or this feeling of doom, loss, worry, fatigue….something is off.

I say, just start with the thoughts you have and brainstorm, if you feel uncomfortable or “off” or worried or sad or stressed in any way.

Right here.

Start writing down what you want, what you need, what should happen or shouldn’t happen.

If you DID know what was bothering you, what would you write?

Think about all you object to.

Make a list. Write for 30 minutes.

You might notice something interesting happening.

You’re writing all your complaints down….and if you’re like some people I know (OK, me) you can get a little dramatic, and begin writing down the worst that could happen.

It’s not such a bad thing to move in this direction, contrary to popular belief about being positive all the time.

Let yourself go there.

It’s not the whole of you, it’s only part of your mind, doing it’s worst- case thing.

Give it a voice.

When you feel uncomfortable, troubled, anxious, melancholy….

….what’s the most horrible thing you can imagine about your life?

Several times I have done the Work on the worst thing I can imagine ever happening. (We have the opportunity to do this on the second-to-last month in Year of Inquiry, so I’ve done this exercise at least once a year in the past 3 years).

Part of me didn’t even want to think about it, the images were so terrible.

The first time I thought about the worst that could ever happen in my entire life, it was my children dying.

Recently, I thought it would be even WORSE if they died and it turned out to be my fault, like for example I was the driver of the car that had the accident.

It’s so weird and counter to our positive thinking mindset that it’s hard to write about it here!

What a weirdo to tell about my greatest fear!

But unexpectedly, down at this level….

….The Work begins to do pretty amazing, magical things.

I used to have thoughts often that were negative and frightening. They were nightmares. I would get myself to NOT think about those things.

Often with distractions of pleasure.

A good movie, intense conversation, hugs, beer, wine, reading, eating, smoking, planning, shopping, work, drama, rescuing someone, saving the day, cleaning….these are all great distractions from negative thinking.

But stopping, just stopping and investigating the worst that could happen all the way through….is an amazing experience for the mind that loves to flip around and play with fearfulness.

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look….No one ever tells us to stop running away from fear…the advice we usually get is to sweeten it up, smooth it over, take a pill, or distract ourselves, but by all means make it go away.”~ Pema Chodron

You can do it. Sit down with a pen and paper.

Once you have a list (and it may be much shorter than you think) hold that vision in mind (your worst case scenario) and answer the six questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, keeping in mind the one most disturbing situation you’re investigating.

Then ask someone to facilitate you in The Work. See how you will survive the “worst” that could happen.

The more I practice this, the lighter I become. It takes time.

It’s so worth it.

If you need the help of others doing The Work together, join me at one of the following events in September:

• monthly meetup 9/20 from 2-4 pm in Seattle
• mini retreat Saturday 9/19 from 1:30-5:30 in Seattle (a little more in depth and focused plus 4 CEUs)
• Sept 25-27 three day retreat Seattle
• join Year of Inquiry with a whole group of dedicated inquirers ready to work together on the phone (add 2 retreats in Seattle to really get to know yourself and dive into your inquiry)

With others, I notice, my investigation of uncomfortable foggy feelings has led to awareness of uncomfortable and stressful thinking, has led to realization through inquiry, has led to laughter beyond those swirling, stomach-aching, sad, discouraged feelings.

When I do The Work as a practice, like meditation, mind has become much more peaceful.

So has life.

“An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Love,

Grace

P.S. For any of the offerings, check out the Work With Me page at Work With Grace and follow the links to read about or register, or write me any time

I was upset with myself recently and heard my mind say “you got yourself into this, it’s your fault”.

This can happen with big and small events, short and long conversations, big surprises, small surprises, accidents, the unexpected.

What a fantastic concept to question!

“It’s my fault”. 

Is that really true?

What does that even mean?

It’s like the mind is getting fired up and the main focus is “let’s find out who is to blame…and by the way, this time it’s probably YOU!”

And when someone is to blame, they are BAD.

A wise meditation teacher and writer called Cheri Huber wrote a book called “There Is Nothing Wrong With You”.

I’ve read it over 150 times.

Seriously. It has big font and not many words on each page.

Imagine the last time you did or said something and then had the thought “that was my fault”.

Your version might be “I shouldn’t have said it that way, I could have prevented that outcome, I’m just not good at ______.” 

And some of us also start thinking about the other people involved, and how THEY could use some improvement as well of course.

Always scanning for who did worse, who is the biggest jerk.

How does it feel in your body when you think it’s your fault?

Heavy, depressing, low, thick, nauseated, jittery, aching, sleepy, crushing.

There you are, sitting in a chair, or walking along, or going about your day, and you keep thinking of that stupid thing you did or said.

How you could prevent it next time. How you could “pay” for it and therefore feel better.

This is not a friendly belief.

It produces tons of stress.

Therefore, it is also not a true thought.

Beliefs that are true feel peaceful, calm, simple, open, surrendered, real.

Notice how it also isn’t true that it’s someone else’s fault. Also very stressful.

I love sitting with who I would be, in these moments where I decided I was wrong and worthy of blame, without the belief that it was my fault.

I don’t mean the kind of saying “it’s not MY fault!” like little kids say when they’re scared to death and they want it to be someone else’s fault.

“Can you be lovable NOT meeting the standards? Can you stop trying to change into who you wish you were long enough to find
out who you really are? You will never improve yourself enough to meet your standards.” ~ Cheri Huber

Wow!

If I turn the painful belief around and look at this concept “there is no one to blame”! 

Wait….what?

But what about the pain, the difficulties of the world, the people
who are hurting, the mental illness, addiction, cancer, disease, psychopaths, murderers, violence!?

There has to be a reason for these, it has to be someone’s fault! If we don’t find out whose fault it is then terrible things will happen over and over again.

I have to find out the root of the badness and pull it out!

It seems easy if I’m to blame, and I pop over to that idea a lot, but….really, who would I be without the thought that the bad stuff is someone’s fault?

Empty. Silent. Open. Vast. Expansive. Wondering. Free. More relaxed, not tight.

Not against anything. Not sure. Not knowing. Mind without a job. Mind at rest.

Curious, confused. But non-attacking.

And there’s something to that, there’s something lighter without blaming whether myself or someone else. Maybe a lot lighter.

“Beginning to wake up. Beginning to not take it personally. Beginning to see that life isn’t anyone’s fault. It just is and you just are, and it’s all just fine.” ~ Cheri Huber

Love, Grace

Relationships with partners are one of the most powerful, crazy, intense, wild and emotional experiences people often have in their lives.

Love, hate, bliss, rage, jealousy, insecurity, fear.

Wow. Right?

Romeo and Juliet is one of my absolute favorites of all time for showing the insanity of all that happens between family, society and “falling in love.”

I got to play Juliet in college.

I must confess, it just seemed so natural. Gosh. Heh heh.

Could it be I shared some of the exact same thoughts as Juliet?

About mothers and fathers, social norms, young men, love relationships, and commitment or marriage?

Yes.

I even fell in love with Romeo in rehearsals and performances.

(OK, that was weird. I just googled Romeo and saw the same face of that man I knew over thirty years ago in such an intimate way for a short time, playing opposite him on stage).

Isn’t it funny how you can not only bring to life past romantic moments with lovers or partners, you can instantly see pictures of them on your laptop?

And when there’s angst, heartbreak, loss, melancholy nostalgia or sadness…..

…..it’s a great time to explore, with inquiry, and see what it is you really thought, or still think, to be true.

In Year of Inquiry we look at romantic relationships during month 6.

Initially, some people might think “I’m fine in my relationship. Nothing upsetting. It’s not really that disturbing” or others might think “I don’t have a relationship at all, that’s the trouble!”

The thing is, it doesn’t matter what’s happening currently in your life around romance or love (or lack of it).

If something is stressful, even a memory, it’s worthy of inquiry.

Several years ago, a friend of mine was having a terrible time trying to decide about breaking up with her boyfriend of a couple of years.

I asked her, what’s the worst that could happen?

She replied that she might in the future feel regret, and lonely, and she would hurt her partner very badly (if she left).

Or….she could feel trapped, bored, and hurt by her partner (if she stayed).

One of the best things to do with either stressful scenario is to deeply inquire into each of these, one at a time.

Really picture that situation you’re anticipating in the future.

Alone and lost at sea, single, empty, calloused, having to date again.

Old and stuck, bored, tolerating, saying yes or no to things you don’t really want to say yes or no to.

You can also make it extremely easy on your process of inquiry, and simply go back in time to the one that got away, or the terrible commotion that happened in that moment in the past with that difficult relationship.

Like I just did….as I conjured up the memory again, so clear in my mind, enhanced by the google.

I’m back in college, my second month on campus as a freshman.

Even though I was frightened to leave home, when I arrived on campus something moved that aside. I redirected all that fear about parting from my family into trying everything completely different.

I auditioned for the play, and got the lead female role.

Now, I was at the man’s house who played Romeo.

He’s brilliant. So are his roommates. We’re all sitting around a big table set with plates, glasses, baskets of bread, a huge bowl of salad.

Several of them have cooked a fabulous pasta meal. There’s a big discussion happening about the political stance of a small foreign country, and I know absolutely nothing about it. I’m not even sure where the country is.

I feel like a dunce. Innocent, naive, my first 2 months away from home ever. I’m floundering in my new classes. I used to get A’s in high school without trying, I’m in shock by the work load of college. Every day I’m rehearsing the play. I love it so much, it’s better than any class.

Everyone’s drinking wine.

I feel so much younger than this crowd. Like there is an age difference of a decade, not 4 or 5 years.

Romeo is 24. He took a gap year. He’s so worldly and experienced and articulate…..I’m just so, so, so out of my familiar comfort zone.

If I had a comfort zone. Which is very debatable.

Fast forward to the day after the fabulous cast party after the final night of performances.

It was like a giddy “high” of joyful energy for months.

But something shifted for me after the show was over. I could already feel it change, beginning the very next day.

The realities of being here in college, having big papers to write, needing to concentrate and get my grades up, pull it together and get serious.

Romeo started to seem less…..well…..easy to be around.

I felt too shy, anxious, young by comparison. Like I just couldn’t be comfortable, I couldn’t really be me. And he was graduating and leaving in 5 months.

I just couldn’t be there, in a genuine “relationship”. It was easier on stage.

He called.

He left messages.

He dropped by and left notes at my dorm.

I avoided him.

I didn’t call back.

I remember that time as being so nervous. So full of the thoughts “I am not good enough” and “I am too young” and “he’s more advanced than me” or “if he really knew me, he’d ditch me in five seconds”.

Who would I be without the thought he was too brilliant for me, too old, too smart, too together, too hip and cool, too about-to-leave town?

I might have shared what I really felt rather than trying to hide it or alter it or smash it into a ball in the center of my gut.

I would have felt so much more comfortable, relaxed. I might have noticed my preference was to connect and have conversations with the other girls in my dorm, most of whom were 18, and take it easy with dating.

I might have been open to getting together but I would have said “no” to invitations I didn’t want and “yes” to others, instead of throwing away ALL the invitations.

Way back then, so many years ago, I can find turnarounds to the concepts which placed him as better, me as worse, him as someone to compare myself to at all.

Turning my feelings and thoughts around: We are two different people, who just had a fantastic time in the same play. I can speak up for what I really want, without being terrified of hurting him, or hurting myself.

I am good enough, I’m just the right age (and so is he), he’s not more advanced than me, maybe what’s actually happening is if I really knew myself in this moment, I’d ditch myself in 5 seconds.

Because that’s exactly what I was doing.

Ditching myself.

Thinking of myself as small, timid, failing, and “off”.

I can so see now, without the thought that I’m doing anything wrong, or that anything about me is not good enough, I’m free to be me and Romeo comes or goes….because he is free, too.

“How can you know that a particular relationship is good or not? When you are out of sync with goodness, you know it: You aren’t happy. And if a relationship is anything less than good, you need to question your thoughts. It’s your responsibility to find your own way back to a relationship with yourself that makes sense. When you have that sweet relationship with yourself, your partner is an added pleasure. It’s over-the-top grace. Romantic love is the story of how you need another person to complete you. It’s an absolutely insane story. My experience is that I need no one to complete me. As soon as I realize that, everyone completes me.” ~ Byron Katie

Last week I had an invitation that sounded fabulous.

Head down to the event in Millersylvania State Park campground south of Olympia, Washington (about 75 miles from my house) and join the group for the afternoon who were gathering to do The Work.

Several facilitators of The Work organized this and planned well.

Knowing I couldn’t be there, I hadn’t been closely involved….

….but learned I’d be not only welcome, but much appreciated, even if I came only for Friday afternoon.

I switched around my schedule, moved some things to Thursday, and hit the road before noon thinking I had plenty of time to arrive for their afternoon meeting.

And I waited in traffic.

And waited.

And inched forward at 5 miles per hour.

Then waited some more.

It took almost an hour to leave the boundaries of Seattle, the place I was traveling FROM.

But then, the freeway opened up, I looked at my watch, and thought OK then! Here we go!

No problem, I’ll still make it!

Until I hit the next large city.

And waited in traffic.

And waited.

And read overhead signs that said “thick congestion for the next ten miles”.

Tick tock.

I called my husband and had him look at the traffic report on his computer and the guess-timated time of arrival.

It put me arriving one hour later than originally planned.

Arrrggggghhhh.

So as I sat, and sat (I was also very hot, my car has no AC) here came the idea….

….turn around and go back home.

I felt hot, slow, tired, and late.

The next exit, I got off the freeway (at 2 miles per hour mind you), crawled across the overpass, and got back on the freeway, going the opposite direction……back home.

Now, this is a little stressful. It’s not fun for me telling people who are expecting me “nevermind, I’m not coming.”

But the real kicker stressful thought actually entered into my mind upon arrival back home.

After more sluggish traffic all the way back.

The voice sounded like this…..

“Why didn’t you just press on? What’s the big deal with a little traffic in your life once in awhile? Really? Your entire afternoon is cleared, it wouldn’t have been that bad being an hour late, you could have still stayed for dinner. What’s your freakin’ problem?”

Wow. I call it Decision Remorse.

It’s not unfamiliar, but honestly, I hadn’t had the experience in quite awhile.

I felt sad to be missing out! And self-critical!

The next morning, I awoke early.

“I can try again today. Even though I’m facilitating a dance class this morning, and I think my daughter needs me to buy some boots with her for our upcoming trip…..Yes, there’s still a chance. I can do it!”

But, I couldn’t really.

I would have had to clear my calendar all over again, including bumping my daughter AGAIN to the following day (which it turned out wouldn’t work, I soon discovered).

The stressy part was the feeling of being pulled in several directions at once.

All in my own mind.

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO). Fear of Disappointing Others (FODO).

Later, I knew what to do.

Question these concepts.

I’m missing out on something, is it true?

Yes. It’s absolutely true.

I’m missing out on a TON of things on planet earth right now, including the gathering of beautiful people in Millersylvania.

But who would I be without the belief this is a bad thing?

Whew. Way lighter.

Open to the present moment, no matter how mundane it looks (traffic on a freeway vs sitting in a group doing The Work, doesn’t matter).

Who would I also be without the belief it’s bad to disappoint someone?

Just following the simple directions, without over-analyzing them. Taking care of myself like a kind, dedicated, peaceful decision-maker.

Not thinking into someone else’s business (what will other people feel)? Not worrying that I’m doing something wrong.

Noticing, yes, it might have been not-so-hard to press on, during the heavy traffic moment….

….but for some reason, the next exit beckoned and said “turn around”.

Nothing terrible about that.

And even if I could have done The Work in that moment on traffic and lateness and COULD have found it didn’t matter and I COULD have continued on my merry way….

….NOW is what was happening, which was woman returned home, drank water, cooled off, lay down to rest, imagined her friends in Millersylvania State Park amongst the pine trees, while ready to do the next thing in front of her.

“You may find that you don’t need to navigate a future at all–that what appears now is all you’ve got, and even this is always immediately gone. And when you’ve stopped making war with reality, you ARE what changes, totally without control. That state of constant change is creation without limits–efficient, free, and beautiful beyond description.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love, Grace