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How to stop worrying about other people

cancer and The Work of Byron Katie

Co-facilitated group with Grace Bell and Anil Coumar begins this evening in Seattle (Ravenna) exploring the experience of cancer using The Work of Byron Katie.

This group is for anyone who has suffered with a stressful thought about having cancer in the past, or present. If you are in remission, or if you are in treatment now, you are welcome to join this group.

Hit reply if you’re interested, or share this with someone you know.

Beginners to experienced in The Work all are welcome.

********

Caring about other people is a really good thing.

Right?

But what about when it’s stressful?

Because it can be very stressful. Very, very stressful.

And when something is stressful, it’s worthy of inquiry.

I’ll give you an example of caring about someone being very stressful.

Let’s say you’re a parent, and you find out your kid is at the emergency room during a school skiing trip.

(Not that I would know anything about this in 2006 when my son broke his arm and I was 10 hours away).

It’s doesn’t matter how old the kid is (they can be truly any age) you want to drop everything and race to the hospital.

Maybe your heart is beating, you’re freaked out if you run into heavy traffic, you feel enormous anxiety and pictures run through your head about what just happened.

Or what about if your spouse or partner is upset about their job?

They call you and say “I just got fired.”

You ask if they’re OK, you’re shocked, you’re wondering what will happen now, and you feel like leaving your own job so you can go hang out with them.

Things happen with people all the time. It’s the way of life.

When you know and love these people, you might feel a surge of suffering, sadness, anxiety or terror….

….even though it’s not you who is actually suffering.

Except, how quickly it happens that you are.

What are your thoughts?

Often, the mind jumps to images and projections of what this situation means.

It doesn’t even have to be a sudden occurrence, like the accident or job change I just described.

It can be watching someone you love slowly become more and more depressed, or addicted, or angry.

  • I’ll lose them
  • there is something wrong with them (or me)
  • if they are hurting, I must hurt too
  • I have to be strong, positive, get them to feel better
  • they can’t die/lose/fail
These thoughts all have a deep assumption underneath, that we often overlook.

 

This is terrible. 

 

I can’t handle it, they can’t handle it, this is unmanageable, life will never be the same again, success looks like “x” (and this is not it)….

 

….this is horrible, wrong, evil, bad, troubling.

I am against this!!!!

But who would you be without the belief that this other person you love, admire, care about can’t hurt or suffer or die, without YOU also suffering, hurting or dying?

I once had a very dear friend who tried to kill himself.

Every time I thought of him, I felt a stab of pain in my stomach.

I would think “I can’t handle it, if he dies.”

Really?

Is that actually true?

After encountering Byron Katie and The Work and entering the world of inquiry and questioning my arguments with what appeared to be real….

….I did an exercise that Katie talks about in her powerful bookLoving What Is.

What’s the worst that could happen, in your life?

In this case, the worst I could ever imagine happening was my children dying in a car crash.

Just having it wisp through my mind as an idea made me scared.

But I wanted to know the truth.

I wanted to find out what it might be like to wonder about death, and children, or my friends, or a lover, or a sister or parent.

I wanted to inquire into this belief about living and dying and simply investigate as best I could.

Who would I be without the belief that if the terrible thing happens, I couldn’t go on?

Who would I be without the belief that I couldn’t handle it, they couldn’t handle it, that it wasn’t handle-able?

I had to admit, because it was right in front of my face in life, that people I loved sometimes got hurt physically, or emotionally.

I had to admit, also right in front of me, that adult parents sometimes lost their children.

Children die, friends die, parents die, partners die.

Who am I without the belief that this should not be so, when I’m looking at life and the world and the obvious thing is that people come and go, in these forms called bodies, at all times and at all ages?

When I wondered about this honestly, I found I wasn’t even sure who I would be without the thought.

But this was different than being with the thought that I was against other people leaving, or dying, or suffering.

It didn’t mean I had to like it, or be thrilled about it.

But it was so much easier to breathe, to have that possibility that someone else getting hurt physically or emotionally had a path, a direction, a way about it that I did not have to control or run (I couldn’t anyway).

What a relief.

Turning the thoughts around:

  • I’ll never lose them, I’ll gain them (if they die, or leave)
  • there is something right with them (or me)
  • if they are hurting, I do not have to also hurt
  • I do not have to be any emotion but what is real for me, I do not have to get them to feel better
  • they are free to die/lose/fail

I know it’s a little much to think “this is wonderful” about kids dying in a car crash.

Like I said, this is not about being completely in denial or something.

In fact, this is about becoming sane, and coming out of denial, for me.

To even be able to find benefits for the shifting and changing of life, in bodies….

….this is truly amazing to find.

After I inquired about that worst case scenario, I felt uncertain and slightly confused.

I also had a glimmer of awareness about no longer caring, or worrying, in the suffering way I always had.

“A death accomplishes what ordinary life could never do, letting you experience what is beyond identification: the bodiless self, mind infinitely free…….Sweetheart, we ALL have that place. We can all find it, if we look deeply enough, no matter how much pain we’re in. It doesn’t matter–that place is always there…..Until we know that death is as good as life, and that it always comes at just the right time, we’re going to take on the role of God without the awareness of it, and it’s always going to hurt.” ~ Byron Katie

Without any belief that people shouldn’t suffer, when they do….

….I sit with them without panic or agony.

I watch their suffering change, without my help.

The way of it.

Much Love, Grace
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A Stiff, Inflexible Mind Gets Softened by Taxes

angry
Taxed by your thinking? Do The Work!

Rats.

I got a tax bill.

I know it’s not April 15th which is the United States tax due date.

For the second time ever in my life, I allowed an accounting firm to do my taxes, and for the first time, I filed an extension six months ago.

I had been doing them myself for my whole life. Even in my previous marriage, I always did the taxes. I kind of liked getting Turbo Tax and entering the data, finishing the project.

But in the past, I never owed much.

I often either broke even, or had a small payment, or got some money back.

Last year, I received an audit letter that I owed the government $30,000.

Yes, of course it was a big fat mistake!! I didn’t!!

But I didn’t like seeing those huge numbers written on the same page as IRS.

With an anxious heart (and a trickle of self-inquiry initially) I searched in my emails for a newsletter. I’ve been on this woman’s email newsletter list for 7 years, since I heard her speak very eloquently at a meeting for small service businesses, before I even had one.

Her accounting firm quickly helped me re-do my 2013 taxes (the year in question).

Turns out I put one thing on the wrong line, and it doubled my income.

The taxes were amended, and resubmitted, and guess what IRS?

Yeah, that’s right!

I overpaid in 2013 once everything was completely overhauled by a professional.

Now, YOU owe ME some money, IRS!!

So of course, I decided to stick with this much better, clearer plan with the experts and have the accounting firm do my 2014 taxes, too.

I asked my husband to be the primary go-between so I wouldn’t have to focus on it.

It made me nervous to have other people doing my taxes, after all those years.

Receipts, credit card bills, bank account withdrawals, checks….

….such an exposure and story of what I spend, what I earn, what my values are, who I appear to be as a person, what I care about, where the money goes.

(What if they think I spend too much going to silent meditation retreats? Can’t a person take some workshops once in awhile, I mean come on!)

But then.

After everything is added up.

I owe.

Not just a small check. Like, a big one.

Wait…..what?

Are you sure you did it right, accounting people?

I ask my husband what he included, all the work he did to gather everything together….Are you sure you didn’t miss some deductions?

Yep.

Fume.

Husband says something like “Hey! It’s a good thing! It means you’re doing fabulous and successful and rocking it!”

Seriously? Fume.

Send electronic transfer. To the IRS.

Images of Those People spending all my money on weapons. And other dumb things.

I could USE this money.

Sigh.

Who would I be without the belief it is too much, I shouldn’t have to pay, they’ll use it badly, this is an outrage?

Who would I be without the belief that this is a threat??

(Now where’s that information a friend sent me last year about protestors who refuse to pay taxes, I suddenly much more interested).

Stop.

Who would I be?

Am I really going to go off on grabbing tightly to every dollar bill that comes near me?

Do I really need to raise complaints about money going and coming?

Can I actually just imagine for a little while what it’s like without the belief that money must always, always stay with me and never, ever go away?

Am I that needy and co-dependent and grabby and desperate and tense and lost?

Over numbers and green pieces of paper?

What would it feel like to Not Believe in the Greatness of Money?

I’d be noticing that moments after I sent my taxes to the IRS, I dialed in to Year of Inquiry group and we investigated some powerfully stressful thoughts.

They weren’t about money at all.

I notice nothing in the room has changed. Absolutely nothing. There is nothing less in my environment after the digits went from something I’m calling “mine” to something I’m calling “IRS”.

I turn the thought around: I did not get a tax bill. It’s awesome that a tax bill arrived, and I paid it. My thinking got taxed, and has essentially been taxed when it comes to beliefs about money for much of my life. 

OK, well….examples: I earned the most money I’ve ever earned in my life in one year. Including all the jobs I’ve ever had. Wow. Maybe my husband was right, that’s cool now that I think about it.

My thinking has been so taxed when it comes to money: getting, keeping, holding, losing, suffering and feeling frightened. It’s practically burned itself to the ground with so much worry.

In fact, my thinking did burn itself right down to the ground, and the money followed, I began from complete scratch about ten years ago.

I investigated like a mothah-f&$#%h and I found that my joy is not dependent on money, and that I can lose almost everything and still be here.

Alive, free, breathing in the deep cool air.

I’ve learned that people are incredibly caring and supportive, and they helped me climb out of debt, and encouraged me to keep going and keep noticing what I have instead of what I lack when it comes to money.

Friends and relatives supported me and sent me aid, in love and in money.

And while I still feel a pull to stressful thinking, like fear that I shouldn’t even tell you I had a tax bill yesterday, or I shouldn’t talk about making money because that’s rude and I’ll appear better off than I am or something….

….inside I feel a gentle smile.

A place that lives without needing money, or love, or people, or attention, or security, or health, or my definition of a good life, or vigilance about safety, or anything outside of what is.

“Believing that what you want equals what’s best for you is a dead end. It makes the mind stiff, inflexible, caught in a picture of reality, rather than open to the wisdom of the way of it. What is, is immovable, and it’s constantly changing, it flows like water, it has as many supple, beautiful forms as the mind can create–an infinity of forms–and inside them all, behind them all, it just waits.The heart doesn’t move, it just waits. You don’t have to listen to it, but until you do, you’re going to hurt.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

The truth for me, the one that doesn’t move, sees that the amount of money I’ve had throughout my life has been genius.

 

Not too much. Not too little.

 

Mine. Theirs. Coming. Going.

 

The brilliant fortune of being with people from other places with hardly enough food to eat….to being with people with immense quantities of money….to being in the middle, nothing special.

 

The mind has many, supple beautiful forms and I feel the comfortableness of every way.

 

Even taxes.

 

Much Love, Grace
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Death has a terrible reputation

candleblownoutAre you subscribed to Peace Talk Podcast? It comes out fresh on Mondays. Leave a rating and a review….it really helps spread the word.

Yesterday I told a little story on Peace Talk.

It was from a time I vividly remembered in 2004.

I was wanting something part-time to do for work. I had been working as an editor from home for awhile, with two little kids.

I was restless.

This wasn’t restless for employment, although we could use the money for sure….I wanted something I couldn’t put my finger on.

I had read Loving What Is the previous winter, and gone to see Byron Katie when she visited Seattle.

(What’s going on around here? What does this all mean? Who am I? Hello Universe, where to now? What is mind? What is peace? Am I missing something?) 

A month later I was sitting in a wet, rainy, mostly empty parking lot late morning on a Tuesday.

The windshield wipers thumping back and forth.

This was the first real live interview for my new job working on a research project for people in hospice care.

I was visiting a woman on hospice, about my age, with breast cancer.

That’s about all I knew…..although that’s quite a bit.

I turned off my engine, and ran quickly for shelter under the covered pathway with a row of condominium entrances.

I sat with this woman for about an hour, holding my laptop computer and asking her many questions.

She teared up once or twice while speaking, holding a crushed tissue in her hand the entire time.

When I left, my heart was very heavy.

I felt so sad. Almost afraid, like I wasn’t enough, or this was all too much.

My mind raced with thoughts.

Including….maybe I’ll go tell them this isn’t the job for me.

Even though they just trained me for several weeks, I love the team I’m working with, and something feels exactly right about what I’m doing.

Funny how that can happen in about 90 seconds.

I’m outta here.

But even though I experienced a swell of grief about what people endure in human life, it was almost too big to “do” anything about.

Nothing truly horrible had happened.

I was simply feeling.

Have you ever had the idea you gotta ditch something or someone?

I’ll quit. I’ll say I’m sick. I’ll cross the road if she’s coming down the street. I’ll move to the other side of the meeting hall from those people. I’ll dance on the opposite edge of the dance floor from him. I won’t pick up her call.

Sometimes, if you feel a great dilemma or angst about it, like you’re not REALLY sure (as in, you know it’s not right to ditch) you may feel like doing something else.

Like eating.

Or drinking.

Or smoking.

I highly recommend sinking in to the dilemma, the agony, the torn feeling, and questioning your troubling thoughts.

Well, OK. I’m recommending this, once again, to myself.

Death is frightening.

Is it true?

I don’t really know. At all.

But the leading up to death, like my friend who just died of breast cancer, didn’t look very good.

It hurt her so much just to cry. She was in awful pain. It just seemed so, so, so…..sad.

Why?

She is gone, is that true?

I am frightened, is that true?

It’s sad to have limited time here, is that true?

I’m not sure. Not sure. Sooooo not sure.

I cannot know any of these are true. I cannot know they are NOT true. I don’t even get what’s true.

How do I react when I believe death is frightening?

I feel loss. I miss my dad.

I want to cling to people who are alive who are close to me.

I feel needy, uncertain, confused. I have images of the length of time I myself have left available to me.

Is it 6 years….the same age as my friend who just died, or my father?

Is it 25 years, like my own mother who acts and looks like she’s got another 25 still?

Is it 8? 15? 40?

Funny how we don’t know, although some ways of going would be far, far less surprising than others.

And this is all based on stories. Past experiences. People very close to me. DNA stories.

Who would I be without the belief that death is frightening?

What an astonishing inquiry.

Who would I actually BE without this thought, as I sit in the presence of someone who has days to live? As I remember my father’s last breath so many years ago? As I think about the death of those I love so much….my family, my partner, my children, my mother, me?

“When you go deep enough to the formless, the dreadful is no longer dreadful, it’s sacred. Then you will experience the two levels, when somebody dies who is close to you. Yes it’s dreadful on the level of form. It’s sacred on the deeper level. Death can enable you to find that dimension in yourself. You’re helping countless other humans if you find that dimension in yourself – the sacred dimension of life. Death can help you find the sacred dimension of life – where life is indestructible.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the belief in death being frightening, or wrong, or awful….
….I must admit that something comes back to presence right here, right now, the buzzing life force within, a place deep inside, a sinking feeling place without sounds.
It’s very quiet.
It’s here even as a jet flies overhead and makes noise in the dark night outside, as the refrigerator hums, as the clock says “late” and my body wants to sleep.
What is sleep?
Isn’t it funny how we enter this oblivion, a shutting down out of consciousness, every single night?
I am not afraid of sleep…..could this be how it would be to not be afraid of death?
Why not.
I turn the thought around: Death is NOT frightening, it’s exciting. Life is frightening. My thinking is frightening.
These could be just as true, or truer.
Especially the “thinking” part.
“Since before time and space were, the Tao is. It is beyond IS and IS NOT. How do I know this is true? I look inside myself and see.” ~ Tao Te Ching #21
“Death has a terrible reputation.” ~ Byron Katie
When you leave retreat, are you still on retreat? The light's blown out, but you are still home.
When you leave retreat, are you still on retreat? The light’s blown out, but you are still home.
Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Cancer Support Group Seattle begins October 21 Weds 6-7:30 pm for 8 weeks. Any stage of cancer or remission welcome.

 

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She’s interrupting me!

She’s interrupting me!

Have you ever been annoyed, or frightened, by an interruption?

You’re in the middle of watching a movie and CLUNK BANG ROLL….you hear a noise outside on your front porch.

What’s that?

(Everything in your body goes on alert, you need to investigate).

Or what about driving in traffic, and here comes an ambulance with lights flashing and you have to pull over….and you’re running late already.

Or you’re having a conversation, and your friend talks right over your words saying how OMG I had that happen too (!)….but you didn’t finish your story yet.

Or, you’re on the phone and your kids come racing into the room….mom! mom! mom!

Or maybe you’re running a retreat, someone is doing The Work on something deeply personal….and another participant shows up very late and enters the room right in the middle of the process.

(Not that I would know about that as in this past weekend).

But let’s investigate.

This thing (called interruption–maybe a zero, maybe a ten on the scale of seriousness) happened. A sound, a movement, a major change, a redirection of the focus.

Awareness in once place moves rather suddenly to another place, and it was not how you pictured it, not what you prefer.

What are your thoughts about that interruption?

I’m talking about the uncomfortable, stressful ones.

The meanings you give this moment. Your feelings that are not feelings of peace.

He is so rude, he always talks too much. Let me finish! Why do they always get the right-of-way? It’s too noisy. Something horrible is happening. I am afraid. This is soooo irritating.

Or one of my personal favorites…..REALLY?

What a powerful moment.

What a common moment.

Life is not following my orders for what I KNOW is peaceful.

This shouldn’t be happening. It would be much better (I am sure of it) if this “interruption” wasn’t occurring.

Is that true?

Damn straight it’s true.

But pause a moment.

Consider this incredible question and your true answer.

You might still say “yes, absolutely true.”

But I find when I wonder if this is absolutely permanently 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt TRUE….that this shouldn’t be happening….I really don’t know.

How the hell would I know?

Seriously.

And it’s OK if everything in your entire system screams that YES, this shouldn’t be happening and it would be so much better if it wasn’t happening.

I love how there’s not a correct way to answer this question. You get to answer, for yourself only.

I see how I react.

A flurry of energy rises from my gut up into my chest. My eyes are tight and I squint. Everything about my whole body and persona becomes braced, depending on the level of fear or fury about the interruption.

This experience is interrupting my life.

MY LIFE.

It’s a terrible world. I am not protected. It’s hopeless.

SEE….it happened again. Interruption. The worst kind.

Here’s a profound question to ask. The fourth question offered by The Work of Byron Katie.

A big, wide, strange, expansive question.

Maybe you never considered it before. Or not in this particular situation. Not this one, no.

Who would you be without the thought that you are being interrupted and it’s horrible, nasty, mean, intrusive, wrong, violating?

This is not to say that you’re supposed to like what happened, or feel smooth and breezy when things like this happen.

The mind will say “BUT…what are you saying????!!!! That this was OK???!!! It was NOT GOOD, NOT OK!! I know it!! It sucked!!”

The mind loves to jump to what this means for all time: That you’d be condoning this interruption, excusing this interruption, even enjoying this interruption.

The mind says to be very careful because that interruption in your life really was awful, so don’t forget how awful.

Think about it all the time. Build your life protecting yourself. Make sure it never, ever happens again. 

And by the way, you are the innocent victim and the universe dished you up a shit sandwich. Bad universe. Bad life. Bad circumstances.

Bad.

This question is for you, so you can find out what it would be like to not have that thought and belief screaming at you all the time.

So that you can use your imagination to consider what it might be like to not play the horror movie over again in your head of what happened.

Who would you be without the belief, right now, wherever you can find it, that this was an interruption such that you are not able to live a normal, happy life, or a productive, successful, peaceful day?

Some ideas that come to mind about NOT thinking it was an interruption (no matter how big or small)….

….might be about the dangers of not thinking that thought.

Like….without the belief I was interrupted, how will anyone ever know to quit speaking when I’m telling a story? I wouldn’t speak up, make requests, set boundaries.

No, I have to believe the thought I was interrupted, so I fight for my rights!

Yeah.

I would get very hurt again without my story that there are interruptions in the world and in my life, and they’re awful.

But let’s just say…..it doesn’t mean you’re going to get hurt if you drop the thought “interruptions are terrible”.

I notice in my own life that when I believe I need to be vigilant, cautious, and protective of myself….

….I live a smaller life.

I live very carefully. I DON’T actually speak up. I run away.

So that’s already happening anyway….WITH the thought that interruption is horrible, bad and wrong.

This is only using imagination to wonder what it would be like to not have this thought?

It’s not jumping to other conclusions about the enormous dangers of letting down your guard.

Because what I notice is….I have NO IDEA what is going to happen today.

Not really.

I can’t build a fortress big enough to prevent interruptions.

Very difficult things happen. Traumatic things. Weird, totally strange, unexpected things.

Who would I be without the belief they are un-healable, absolutely wrong, evil, un-handle-able?

Who would I be without the belief this should not ever, ever happen or I should have controlled it, if it did?

Who would I be without believing the thought “interruptions are awful and must be stopped.”

I would relax, in this moment now.

I would notice that this moment now, there is no interruption.

I would notice, the interruption ended.

It’s over.

In the dictionary, interruption is defined as a break in the continuity.

The continuity of….what exactly?

Not being surprised? An uneventful life? Things being the same way over and over again?

Even if the interruption was huge and difficult and life-changing….

….am I absolutely sure my life was ONE particular way prior to this interruption (and I’m certain it was the BEST way)?

I turn the thought around: she is NOT interrupting me! I am interrupting myself (especially when she interrupts)! I am interrupting her!

Could any of these be as true, or truer?

And in the end….is not interruption the usual way of it?

What was I expecting?….

….a steady pace of something that never startled me, irritated me, surprised me, shocked me, changed my life, taught me, derailed me, stopped me, destroyed me, silenced me, brought me to The Great Wide Open Mystery?

REALLY?

Much Love,

Grace

Eating Peace Online starts Tuesdays, November 17-Feb 9 (no class 12/8 & week #6 on Monday 12/28). Very in-depth online webinar program, with The Work of Byron Katie on Wednesdays 11/18-2/10 AND 2 individual sessions for everyone enrolled…to take your through your life and the holidays with eating.

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I Need More Sleep

Do you believe, absolutely, you need more sleep? Try questioning this thought, instead of believing it’s true.

I need more sleep.

Some people think this thought so many times, their despair is deep and their frustration very intense.
Have you ever awakened in the night?
Or had trouble going to sleep?
When I went to the School for The Work, followed by the immediate news that my then-husband wanted a divorce….
….I had the most wild mixture of new thoughts about the universe and reality I was completely riding at the top of an electric shock, it seemed.
It was oddly not completely stressful all the time.
The world looked new.
I had The Work to question my thoughts. I would write long worksheets, and talk with new friends on the phone to do The Work, and return again and again to noticing I was fine….
….and again and again to noticing I was terrified, or enraged, or abandoned.
I woke up every night at 3:30 am for 9 months.
No matter what time I went to sleep.
I was *positive* I needed more sleep, I needed to stay asleep, that nothing good was coming from it, that it was a requirement for my wellbeing and health.
I began to worry that it would never end.
I felt dizzy sometimes, like the world was water and I was on a boat, as if my balance was off and I might fall.
But I didn’t fall.
During that time, I was up one night during a weekend with Byron Katie all about relationships.
I was spending the night in a hotel room with a dear friend, and so as not to disturb her, I went into the glaring well-lit bathroom and sat on the closed toilet seat and wrote at the top of a piece of paper:
I must go to sleep. 
 
Then, I began to do The Work and question this belief.
Today, I notice because of the creative work I’m adding to my day (a webinar on Eating Peace, a 3 day retreat this coming weekend, enrolled in 3 classes, and quite a big load of clients and telecalls) I stayed up until 12:30 am last night.
I’m sure I need more sleep, in this moment.
I can feel the urge to close the eyes, the energy of what lying down would feel like.
I can picture what it would be like to have more sleep, to feel vibrant, energetic, and calm all wrapped up together (not nervous, zippy, and too-speedy and drained).
A voice inside says (when I believe the thought I need more sleep) that I should stop complaining.
“You’ll be OK. Sleep later. Stop whining!”
(I notice this is not a super helpful voice).
So who would I be in this moment, right now, without the belief that I actually really do need more sleep?
What if I didn’t have a reference for more sleep, less sleep, perfect sleep, requirements for sleep?
What if the amount of sleep I’ve gotten is just right?
Weird.
It doesn’t seem true.
It seems like 8 hours of sleep would be fabulous, that resting deeply would be really, really good.
But if I just allowed that to go on the shelf for a minute, and relax without the belief I need more of sleep (or anything)?
I feel the body, I feel my chest and heart beating. I notice sensations in my eyes, my face without judgment that they’re bad sensations.
I see the time and notice I can slow down.
I’d let things be as they are in this moment.
Some days, sleep. Some days, no sleep.
It is never All-Not-Sleeping. It is never All-Sleep-All-The-Time.
Turning the thought around: I do NOT need more sleep.
 
How could this be just as true?
Are there any advantages to this state of sleep/body/rest?
Yes: I love the dark night when no one else is up, when the air is very still and quiet (or early morning). I love that my thoughts get to rise up and appear very obviously, not hidden by activity during the day. I love that I can trust that if I’m awake, I should be for some important reason–and think with delight of sleeping later. I love that my body can do such brilliant energetic things without much sleep.
I love discovering the OTHER stressful beliefs appear about my life, in the absence of sleep…..
…..like “I am abandoned” or “this needs to be fabulous” or “I need more people to come to my retreat” like I have had recently.
Turning the thought around again: My thinking needs more sleep.
 
Wow. Now THAT thought is true….oh so true….oh so truer.
My thinking (my believing) needs to be resting, lying down, fading into oblivion, pausing, dreaming peacefully, unencumbered, relaxed, still, quiet, comatose, knocked out, dark, slumbering, silent.
I notice my thoughts appear, but I don’t have to think they’re true.
“You can’t change your thoughts. No one can. That’s not possible. I am suggesting that you just investigate your thoughts and meet them with some understanding. Sleep deprivation is not hurting you. It’s your THINKING that is so painful…..It amazes me how people think we have some control here. It’s very painful to think that.” ~ Byron Katie
Who are you without your story that you need more sleep, or more time, or more energy, or more love, attention, comfort….whatever it is you think you’re missing?
As I finish this Grace Note, I notice I have 90 minutes until the next scheduled thing on my calendar.
Oh! I’ll go lie down now and close my eyes, instead of filling up the minutes with “work” and activity and “getting something done”.
Funny how that happens.
Much Love,

Grace

Last chance, we start tomorrow: Seattle Eating Peace. To learn more click here or hit reply and ask.

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What To Do If Other People Are Fighting

peace
can I feel peace even when other people don’t?

Many years ago as a young adult I was in an awkward position between two friends.

In Year of Inquiry today, I suddenly was reminded of this situation.

It’s funny how that happens when other people are doing The Work and bam….

….the same situation appears like a vision, to be questioned and understood and resolved in your own past life.

So back then, one close girlfriend of mine told me that a guy we both knew, who I had been friends with since childhood, was a jerk.

I knew both of them pretty dang well. (I still know them both).

They didn’t know each other well at all.

The friend of mine since grade school was, according to my girlfriend, not leaving her alone. He wanted to date her. He was calling, stopping by her job, seeking her out to sit near her when we were all together at the same weekly event.

In a heated moment, she told him to quit and that he should chill out.

He got very hurt.

Great, I thought.

Two friends of mine hate each other. What a drag.

I’d prefer to be left out, and not to have known this information at all.

That was my reaction.

I felt anxious and conflicted. I wanted them to get along. Bummer.

Here were some of my thoughts:

  • he should stop acting so needy and grabby
  • she should stop acting to controlling, bossy, and judgmental
  • he should be more sensitive to women
  • she should be more sensitive to men
  • because of their stupid reactivity, now I have to deal with maneuvering around their crap so they don’t get more triggered
  • I can’t invite them both to the same event anymore
  • Bummer

It all came crashing back in an instant.

I didn’t even spend THAT much time with either one of these people, and yet a storm of thoughts hit the fan.

They should NOT have conflict.

Now, I can do The Work since I know how to question stressful thinking, and see what’s up for ME in this situation.

Have you ever had two people fighting, arguing, like vinegar and oil?

Maybe two employees, two people you know who are dating or getting divorced, your mom and dad, your kids.

They should deal with the conflict much better….they shouldn’t fight.

Is it true?

Yes. What a pain in the ass.

What good does this do for anyone?

But can I absolutely know that they shouldn’t have conflict, or that this is a problem?

Well, no. I have no idea what this thing is between them.

It’s also their business.

People do have conflict in the world, I notice. They get all upset. They react. I react to them reacting, when I believe reaction shouldn’t happen.

How do I react when I believe two people I care about shouldn’t have conflict?

The blast of judgments is intense in my mind.

Rather intriguing really. What do I care? I enjoy when people love each other but it’s a little weird to be so opposed to them not loving each other.

How do I treat them when I believe they shouldn’t have conflict? Or they should get along?

Frustration.

I actually start to rip both of them apart in my own mind. So now there is not only those two having their thing against each other, but I’m angry and finding major fault with them both.

I say things like “she’s always been like this” or “he’s such a dunce, he should have been more cool.”

I figure out what they both should be doing, and notice what they both are doing wrong.

So who would I be without this belief that those two people over there should get along, and it appears they aren’t?

What if I just got here from another planet and I had no idea what “getting along” was supposed to look like, and no belief that people should like each other, who don’t?

Wow, this is a very old thought. How strange to be without it.

You mean we can just let everyone hate each other when they do? I mean, shouldn’t we try to like everyone, help everyone get along, make peace, be as joyful as a spring daisy poking through a field of snow?

I realize, I’m believing it’s soooooo terrible to not get along, I hardly allow conflict to occur in my presence without dashing away like a bolt of lightening.

I realize, I don’t even let myself dislike people, when I do. And I certainly don’t let my friends dislike each other, or they become NOT my friends.

Who would I be without all these thoughts that people MUST GET ALONG?

Relaxed, even in the presence of conflict. Open. Willing to be present when things are a little toppled over between others.

Not adding to the pile of conflict.

Without the belief that people should be close, or friends, or loving….

….when they aren’t….

….I stay present rather than running away, or feeling enraged.

I’m not afraid of this conflict.

In fact, I even feel more confident. Here to serve, if it’s called for, and here to listen or be quiet, if it’s called for.

Turning the thoughts around: they SHOULD have conflict.

Well, they do. That’s the reality of it.

I shouldn’t have conflict with their conflict. I shouldn’t have conflict with conflict, even within myself.

Yes, this is true.

  • I should stop acting so needy and grabby for reality to be different (especially when it comes to others in conflict)
  • I should stop acting so controlling, bossy, and judgmental when it comes to these two friends (or to myself)
  • I should be more sensitive to him, to myself, to her, to women
  • because of my stupid reactivity, I have to deal with maneuvering around their crap so I don’t get more triggered
  • I can invite them both over at the same time
  • Good news

Wow, good news you say? Really?

How could it be a good thing these people rub each other the wrong way, for my own growth and enlightenment

It shows me what is not necessary for peace.

Peace can even happen right in the middle of war.

Amazing, but I can see how that’s true.

“When the will to power is in charge, the higher the ideals, the lower the results. Try to make people happy, and you lay the groundwork for misery. Try to make people moral, and you lay the groundwork for vice….Thus the Master is content to serve as an example and not to impose her will. She is pointed, but doesn’t pierce….” 

~ Tao Te Ching #58

Much Love, Grace

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What if You Took A Break From Who You Should Be?

Iloveme
If your image of ME took a break….do you notice how open you are?

You know that difficult, traumatic, sad or irritating situation? The one that feels so hard when you think about it?

What would make it perfect, instead?

This seems like a normal question, maybe pretty familiar to you, when processing an interaction or situation that seems less than ideal.

Something’s not working. Got it.

The mind will start offering ideas, suggestions and plans for a better, improved situation.

We all do it.

Well….if this situation is “x” (not good enough) then how can I change it?

Nothing wrong with pure, genius problem-solving.

Someone breaks their leg, we call 9-1-1. Someone loses their job, they put their resume together ASAP and start filling out job applications and networking. Someone learns they have an illness, they change their diet or get treatment.

Very natural.

But the mind sometimes then goes into high-rev fix-it mode, without remembering to question if something really needs fixing.

Or if it was actually possible to fix. At all.

We might save a lot of time by giving up, relaxing, pausing or waiting without moving into Solution Now mode.

How?

Well, it may not be what you think.

With The Work one of the best ways is to go MORE deeply into the brainstorm about how a difficult situation could be improved. Get more thorough about it.

Really contemplate and see WHAT WOULD MAKE IT PERFECT?

Instead of crap. Instead of the way I’m seeing it.

This is Question 2 on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

How do you really, really, really want this situation to change? What do you want that annoying person to do, or say, or think, or feel?

What would make it PERFECT for you, instead of awful, imperfect, frightening, or sad?

Spending more time on this question can make things surprisingly efficient.

So let’s take a look at an example.

Yesterday, I had a meetup at my home for The Work.

I always love the group who assemble. They are fun, interesting, fascinating people, every single time.

There’s usually at least one new person, often more.

Everyone writes a worksheet on a difficult situation, something they’re dealing with they don’t like.

Two people who came had very critical thoughts about someone they knew really, really well.

Themselves.

So, without advising the usual (to NOT judge yourself) they went for it, judging themselves, watching their own disapproval of the way they behaved.

I should be relaxed. I should be grateful. I should be willing to change, or leave, or walk away. I should be more disciplined. I should be more comfortable being alone. I should be less controlling.

Whatever it is….how would you change the situation if you made it perfect?

For me….I notice I have an idea of the ideal, amazing, brilliant, astonishing version of me.

Not this shy, boring, mediocre version of me. Not this never-wealthy, unsuccessful, low-impact, dull, un-funny, un-enlightened version of me.

This perfect version of me is exciting, smart, quick, successful, grateful, thrilled, peaceful, loving, sensual, and beautiful in that situation when I was anything but that.

When you see what you think “perfect” looks like, you can take it to inquiry.

Stay with that question today.

It helps you identify your thoughts, your plans for yourself, your expectations.

I get to see my thoughts about what a good person looks like, what the right thing is, what a person does or thinks or feels that I would admire.

And then……ahhhh…….

……I can inquire.

I can ask the amazing question: is it true?

“Heaven: This is wonderful, I could stay here forever.

Hell: This is not quite perfect.”

~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Can you notice how you bring yourself into hell when you think you are not quite perfect?

Who would you be, could you be, if you believed you were wonderful as you are, that you could stay as you are forever?

Who would you be without the belief in perfection being somewhere other than here, or someone other than me?

Bizarre, I know.

Very odd for all of us who have hated and criticized ourselves relentlessly for so much of our lives.

Now is as good a time as any to question your thinking.

Can you imagine not thinking you need to change anything about your personality, your defects, what you said, did or felt?

“When your image of the me takes a break, you’ll find all you are doing at that moment is just being open. You feel quite relieved that you are not trying to get to another moment or a better experience. You feel yourself just being in a very relaxed, easy sense of peace. You haven’t gained anything at all–you’re not smarter, you don’t necessarily know more than anyone else, and you haven’t suddenly become holy. If you are resting as your own true nature, then you feel that there is really nowhere else to go.” ~ Adyashanti

Much Love,

Grace

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Can you imagine being not-a-victim in the present moment?

question your past, without pushing yourself, and notice peace in the present
question your past, without pushing yourself, and notice peace in the present

Lately the topic of Grace Notes has contained some pretty serious life situations.

Death, destruction, killing, suffering.

I’ve gotten some powerful notes from people in response.

People who went through some horrible, horrible life events in childhood, or situations where there was a war going on, or a nasty accident where people were killed.

Someone said “how could that be wonderful?”

Ack.

It can’t be.

And one thing is for sure….you should never be trying to make yourself think something is wonderful that ISN’T for you.

Byron Katie says, “I’m not asking you to drop your story”.

The only reason, ever, to engage with self-inquiry is because YOU want freedom for yourself. You want peace. You want to not be bitter, terrified, or enraged with what happened to you.

It does not ever mean that what happened is *wonderful* or *great* or *small* or *forgettable*.

Not unless it actually becomes this, for you, in a really genuine, deep, clear way.

I don’t think I’ll ever think extreme violence is wonderful.

But I am very, very interested in studying the affects of my beliefs, my greatest fears (which have felt profound) on my present experience.

I look around and I can see that right now, in this moment, life is very slow, calm, quiet. There are no voices anywhere. There is the small tap-tap-tap of the computer keys as I write. I see a white painted door slightly ajar to the outer room. I feel my favorite ugly gray sweater on my forearms. I get to participate in a sacred dance tonight that honors a dear friend who just died of cancer.

This moment is safe, and easy.

I see that life brings this moment.

It brings the capacity to sit and question past trauma and to open my mind up to the possibility that NOW is full of love, and the traumatic images I see in my head are IMAGES.

They are not real. Not now.

This is not denying what I remember, or diminishing my history or my situation or what I encountered…..

…..or what you have encountered either.

What I know is, it feels incredible to hold the position of Not A Victim.

This is where inquiry has brought me.

When I believe someone did me wrong, someone hurt me and there is no way to ever get over it, or that I need that body part I lost….

….I am stuck.

I am full of suffering.

As I question and inquire into what is true, I find I am not so sure of the worst that happened anymore.

  • Those people caused me to have a terrible life
  • Cancer brought only pain, terror and despair
  • I will never be free from my suffering
  • God is a sadist
  • There is no getting over evil
  • There is no peace for me because of what I suffered
Start with whatever belief you have about your life. Begin with only one moment, one situation….even if you had many terrible situations and experiences.
The Work can be used for even the most gruesome acts of unkindness, sickness, desperation.
Use it for your own freedom, not anyone else’s. If it is not right for you, or it makes you mad, or you think it means you are denying what happened, or even condoning and saying it was OK that it happened and this is not acceptable to you…..
…..take a break.
Then, if you know it’s right for you, keep going anyway.
At least for me, there was no other option, if I wanted to end my war with reality.
“When I ask these questions, in no way am I condoning cruelty or even the smallest unkindness. The perpetrator is not the issue here. My sole focus is the person sitting with me, and I am concerned solely with her freedom.” ~ Byron Katie 

Could the turnarounds be just as true or truer?

  • Those people caused me to have an unusual, extraordinary life
  • Cancer also brought acceptance, rest and clarity
  • I will be free from my suffering
  • God is all-loving
  • There is always getting over evil
  • There is peace for me because of what I suffered

Who would I BE with this different story, in the present moment?

Much Love, Grace

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He Has A Violent Temper and Other Big Deal Inquiry

Question the worst situations, see what happens
Question the worst situations, see what happens

There is something about those moments where great sorrow, violence, trauma, pain, and sadness are born.

These can be very, very powerful for The Work and self-inquiry.

And a bit difficult, you know?

Sudden accidents. Violence. War. People fighting. Physical pain.

Last night, in Year of Inquiry group, a courageous inquirer read his worksheet from age five.

We’re jumping into our first month with the topic being Family of Origin (I love saying FOO, a phrase coined by my graduate school program).

Some of these past moments, the most stressful ones, are vivid in our minds and hearts. They may have affected us our entire lives, or so it seems.

“My father had a violent temper” and “I want him to stop hitting”.

These are so straight-forward.

The wonderful simple thought of a five year old writing his beliefs (and really, an adult writing from the future–which is now–too).

How could I possibly be without the thought “this is a violent temper” or “I want him to stop hitting”?

Seriously?

They are soooo true. They are absolutely true.

But stop a moment.

Don’t go all the way to the far reaches of space when you imagine being without these thoughts. Or that you’re crazy, because you remember for a fact that your dad went into a rage.

First, simply notice who you are in this moment, right now, without the beliefs running through your body and mind and soul associated with terrible, painful memories.

Do you notice you are here, breathing, even sitting in a quiet room on a comfortable chair?

You made it.

You didn’t die from that terrible situation.

Good to notice.

This work, for me, is about looking at what is true. Not putting ideas, judgments, or beliefs on it.

Seeing, without deciding anything about what happened.

It is NOT about denial, or thinking “Hey, no problem my dad hit my mom, I’m OK with that.”

Of course you’re not OK with that.

No one in their right, loving mind would be OK with that.

But it’s questioning the impact of those situations, those moments.

To question them, I find…..

…..something shifts and becomes less vicious or intense.

The energy or anger or rage is dispersed.

To question these frightening, loud, crazy, intense moments brings clarity, strength, and noticing much more than what was happening at only those moments.

What is true?

Can I dare to question it?

What do I notice about reality?

I see that here on planet earth, sudden and destructive and crashing things happen.

Loud noises, injuries, bodies getting severed or dying, disease, people yelling, wars, weapons, fighting, fists punching, things breaking.

Who would you be without the focus on all this as the end of the world, as completely overwhelming, or that you can’t handle it or we don’t make it through such situations?

Who would you be without the belief you couldn’t handle it? Or that the person who was a perpetrator (if you have one you can picture) was evil and shouldn’t have existed?

I notice they did exist.

And I find, as I sit still with this idea over and over that such occurrences happen in humanity, I continually notice that in my life I get to explore another way. I get to study anger, and rage, and violence and addiction, and see what else feels more right, more natural.

Who would you be without your thoughts that there are some things that are too much to bear?

Bearing it.

“When inquiry is alive inside you, thoughts don’t pull you away from loving whatever happens, as it happens. Pain is always on its way out; it’s the story of a past. All the pain we have ever suffered, all the pain that any human being on this planet has ever suffered, is gone in this present moment. We live in a state of grace.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy.

If you have questions about denial, or being too passive if you do The Work, these are powerful observations and worthy of deeply questioning and bringing to the process.

See what is true for you. Really, really true.

All I know is, everything that’s ever happened that felt horrible for me has turned out to be OK now, manageable, even wonderful teaching.

It’s not denial, or trying to fake positivity, or being unreal about something difficult happening.

These things happen. They are worthy of deep inquiry, to see the truth for yourself.

Who you would be without thought.

“The master is the woman who dented your car, the man who stepped in front of you in line at the supermarket, the old friend who accused you of being selfish and unkind. Do you love the Master yet? There’s no peace until you do.” ~ Byron Katie

The master could be someone who has done much worse.

But what is your truest nature?

Love, or war?

You don’t even have to decide.

Much Love, Grace

 

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Lion, Friend, Father, Me, and Death

flyaway
Who would you be without your story about death?

Several weeks ago, a dear inquirer wrote to ask me to talk about the poaching incident of Cecil the Lion.

If you haven’t heard of this before, a beloved lion was killed in Zimbabwe last June.

Animal cruelty is a huge topic of stress and pain for people.

I’ve heard people do The Work often on the suffering of animals.

It’s odd, but for me personally I’ve wondered why I don’t have any worksheets on animals getting hurt or killed.

Somehow, the death and life and death and life cycle with animals, even when cruel, feels like the way of it for me.

It’s not like I haven’t cared for an animal ever. I had an animal I loved very much when I was growing up. Our family dog Albert.

We also had mice, gerbils, guinea pigs, cats and rabbits at various times, and I remember many dying.

But whatever your thoughts, when they are stressful and you feel pain, you can take them to inquiry.

I honor and understand anyone’s experience when they see animals and their suffering, and feel suffering themselves.

So what are your beliefs?

  • It shouldn’t have happened
  • The person who killed Cecil was horrible, wrong, a murderer
  • Cecil should have lived
  • Cecil should have been protected
  • This is a tragedy
  • The killing must stop

These thoughts are the same as in war, or about human life, about violent or sudden death and dying, about your own pet and companion dying.

And you can take anything, absolutely anything, through the four questions.

Let’s find out where it takes us.

This tragedy shouldn’t have happened. It was wrong. The killer is a horrible person. Cecil should have been protected.

Is it true?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

Yes.

It’s OK to answer yes when something seems profoundly wrong. This is not about you making a mind-flip or changing what you feel entirely, or being in denial.

When it comes to violence, and shock, there is often a deep and tormented “no” and a great cry of grief.

I say, for me, let it be there.

In this situation, perhaps your answer to the question “is it true?” is Yes.

Keep going.

How do you react when you believe these thoughts, that the way this magnificent lion died was wrong?

Enraged. Helpless. Hopeless. Furious. Wanting justice.

What happens in your body? How do you feel about being a human being? What pictures move through your mind?

What I notice is….these are truly just pictures.

You were not there, at the death. You don’t really know what happened.

You can simply notice this. For me, it puts a crack in the answer that this is true. Perhaps I’m not so sure.

So who would you be without the beliefs that this was a terrible, cruel mistake and never should have happened?

For me, my mind simply goes a little blank.

It’s hard to capture who I would be without the belief that a death was cruel, and violent, when it appears that’s exactly what it was.

And yet, I can also notice the room I am in here on this continent. Very, very far away from Africa.

It’s not a denial of life and death happening out there everywhere, just a noticing that in my head there is a picture of a murdered animal, but I am not in the physical presence of a murdered animal.

Without the thought, I am in my own surroundings.

I am in my own alive body, aware of the temporariness of life, but right here, still living.

I am full of love for living creatures and all the mixed up ideas humans get about life and death.

Without the belief that it’s a tragedy, or unforgivable, or 100% wrong, or absolutely unacceptable….

….I take a deep breath.

What if it was OK to come and go?

Yesterday, a dear friend of mine died.

She had breast cancer, and the last time I saw her she was in terrible physical pain and I realized how very sick she had become. A huge mass bulged near her right arm and collar bone, her body was shutting down and not working.

It brought me to tears. I held her hand and looked into her eyes.

Without the belief that this was completely unacceptable and entirely wrong and without being against cancer and dying and pain….

….who would I be?

I would be with my friend even with my heart breaking, loving her and knowing she will be in my heart even without a body on this earth.

I would feel the fierceness of grace, the gift of moving on out of this body, the surrender to whatever is running everything around here, falling back into All This.

I will go too, one day.

If it is the same age as my friend, I would only have 6 years left in this life. The same age as my when my father died.

Whenever it is, it will happen.

There will be a birth date, a dash, and a death date one day for me, for you, for all of us.

And for the animals.

It appears that some of us go suddenly, with an arrow or a gun like Cecil.

It appears that some of us get hit by cars, or fall off cliffs, or drown in water, or shoot ourselves with a gun, or have diseases that begin to take over the rest of the functions of the physical body.

Some of us die in our sleep at age 98.

Who would we be without the belief that death shouldn’t ever come, or shouldn’t come violently, or shouldn’t come with pain, or shouldn’t happen?

For me, all I can see is that without these beliefs about death, I’m not arguing with reality.

If I even move past this awareness, and into the possibility of turning these thoughts around to their opposites….

….I feel a strange and deep sob that contains a flame of light somehow. An unknowing.

Something feels radical, radical, radical.

Like I’m seeing ideas that are wild, crazy, revolutionary…..and yet….

….possible, and maybe even liberating.

  • It should have happened
  • Any killing that happens is done out of innocence, out of believing thoughts, out of life living itself
  • Cecil should have died
  • I should have been protected
  • This is something that can be overcome
  • The thinking must stop

How could any of these turnarounds be true?

It’s not to become cruel yourself, or find happiness in death.

Only to see the way of it and bow to what is greater than ourselves with a question mark, a willingness to not know and not believe all our thoughts.

I see now that death should happen, because it does happen.

I’m not sure why.

When I first did The Work on the death of my father, which happened many years ago, I was able to find that there were benefits.

It’s almost outrageous and frightening to see them, or confess them.

But because my father died, I had to stand on my own two feet. I had to find my own answers to questions I previously asked him. I had to earn my own living once and for all. I cracked open with grief and sobbed and sobbed, which is something I hadn’t been able to previously do in my young life back then, even during therapy. I got closer to my sisters.

There are probably more reasons why it was not just OK, but even of some importance for my own life, that my father died.

Today, I can’t quite see yet how it could be OK that Cecil died.

I can’t see yet how it is OK that my dear friend died yesterday.

But what I can say is that I know the light exists under death and bursts up through grief and change.

I have felt it, I have experienced it.

Can I see a reason to keep the thoughts that death and ways people die are awful?

I really can’t find a good reason to keep my thoughts about death and dying.

I see reasons appear and ticker-tape across my mind.

I see fear and worry parked to the side, and I can say I hope I don’t suffer, and I don’t think I want it to hurt too much when I go, and I wish others didn’t have to suffer either….

….but I really cannot find a good, solid reason to argue with reality.

Reality appears to contain death, in infinite ways.

“Whenever I argue with reality, I lose. Reality is something I can trust. It rules. It is what it is, and once it is, there’s nothing I can do to change it for the moment. Nothing….I mean, we’re breathing, then we’re not, the sun rises, it shines, it sets, I love the clear air, I even love the smog. I spend a lot of my life in airports, and I breathe in a lot of jet fuel. How else can I die on time? There’s a perfect order running. I’m a lover of what is. Who would I be without my story? Without my story, in this very moment, is where God and I are one.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love,

Grace