Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Her Voice Is Excruciating

Very recently I re-read the first few chapters of Loving What Is by Byron Katie for a class.

In the Introduction of the book, a woman is sitting with Katie, doing The Work on her husband.

One of the woman’s thoughts she has about her husband: I hate the way he breathes.

Hilarious! So perfectly childish, petty, and yet the kind of thought most of us have had in our lifetimes that has left us feeling annoyed, unhappy, definitely NOT peaceful.

Having a stressful thought means that I think the thought, it passes into my mind, and almost instantly I believe it’s true, then I have uncomfortable, difficult, troubling feelings or responses of any kind. Even these silly, babyish thoughts about people and their breathing.

This reminded me that I know one person whose voice is annoying….like annoying enough that I cringe at the sound sometimes.

When I ask myself what that’s about, there are many meanings I attach to that voice. It’s too nicey-nice, it’s fakey, it’s false, the person is needy, there is no range, it’s controlled, the words are too slow, patronizing. All of these beliefs come out of that voice, or vice versa.

The woman working with Katie really was upset with her husband for being needy, not being aware, not being powerful, for being dependent, out of shape. These are all the thoughts located inside this woman—they are not true for those of us listening, we don’t even know this man who is her husband. But we’ve had the same kinds of thoughts.

If that person is needy, then I’m outta here! Gross! I resist being open to them, even physically in my body I brace ever so slightly against the sound of their voice, their breathing.

We start proving all the moments are true that show how needy, powerless, and dependent those people are. Building up the story of those messed up needy people over there.

So….to turn things around and look at ourselves, this is the great self-inquiry. Can I see that right in that moment that I’m wishing that person wasn’t so needy that I am needing them to change? They need to stop acting needy, and then I won’t feel so frustrated.

I am trapped, in that moment, in waiting for that person to change so that I can be happy. Very hopeless, very impossible, random, unknown, a roll of the dice whether they can make the change or not. And I am 100% in need of that person to make the first move.

This is called being a victim. My mind is full of what THEY need to do so that I can be excited, thrilled, happy, safe, comfortable, loving, peaceful.

What if they will never, ever change and the only person who could change is you, from the inside out? There they are, doing what they do, being themselves (breathing and speaking) and now I get to work with how to be truly stress-free in their presence.

Reality is, that person presents themselves in the world in that way. I can argue with the way they are, or stop arguing and see what that would be like, for a change.

“I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality…..When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.”~ Byron Katie

Think about something very small but irritating in your world, something you see that you feel annoyed with. It doesn’t have to be a huge, major, difficult dilemma in life (although painful thinking of every kind can be taken to inquiry).

Now what if you didn’t believe it was true that it should change, so you can feel better?

“The generals have a saying: ‘Rather than make the first move it is better to wait and see. Rather than advance an inch it is better to retreat a yard.’ This is called going forward without advancing, pushing back without using weapons. There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking that he is evil. Thus you destroy your three treasures and become an enemy yourself. When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.”~ Tao te Ching #69

Do you think there will be greater change if you enter the room hating that person’s breathing and the sound of their voice, and believing they are needy?

Or, if you enter the room NOT knowing, seeing with different eyes, being open to the beauty in that human being, being open to how much you actually care about them?

If that breathing-annoying-voiced person offered you a path to peace (and they do, because they apparently show up and throw you out of peacefulness) then you would sit with their image in your mind, you would ask yourself questions about what you are really believing is dangerous about them.

Even if you felt sick to your stomach, you would not underestimate this person, thinking of them as absolutely 100% incapable of peace, evil. You would see them as worthy, and by this, you would see yourself as worthy as well.

You are worthy of yielding. You are worthy of going forward without advancing, without using weapons (including verbal attack). Worthy of questioning how, why, when you feel threatened by someone’s breathing or voice. Are you absolutely sure you can’t wait and see?

“Defense is the first act of war” ~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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When Saying Goodbye Is Kind

One of my favorite experiences in looking at myself from the inside out, using The Work and other self-inquiry, has been to say NO.

  • No, I am not able to talk with you right now
  • No, I love that you asked, and the answer is no
  • No, I do not want to meet with you
  • No, I’m not going to pay that price or give that amount of money
  • No, I don’t want to have a romantic or sexual relationship with you
  • No, thank you for offering, I’m not hungry/thirsty/tired/sleepy/etc
  • No, I don’t want to live here

Recently a wonderful reader and inquirer wrote in about how life-changing it was for her to move away from painful relationships she once had. I love that she had this experience of freedom.

Sometimes people will think that to do The Work or open to all possibilities for peace, that the response is passive.

If I do The Work and I love-what-is then I will lie down on the ground and people will step over me or kick me or forget about me….

Loving What Is means I love everything? I’d be floating around in a war zone and not even know it, thinking that all the bombs, explosions, blood, death or torture were loveable. That would be dangerous! Crazy!

But doing The Work or inquiring deeply on our internal war-like thinking does not mean to suffer through difficult experiences and keep quiet, stay, or force yourself to do something you really don’t want to do. That is not peaceful.

Doing The Work is not creating a passive life, where there is no action or movement. In fact, I have found that doing The Work offers greater loving power than I ever thought possible.

I remember once having a client come see me who reported that he was bipolar, needed medication for anxiety, had a history of seeing many, many therapists, and wanted a discount and insurance coverage.

I knew I was not the counselor for him. I was not able to prescribe medications even though I knew a lot about them, I don’t offer insurance coverage, and unlike most people I encounter, I didn’t have the feeling deeply that I was the right person or that I even felt drawn to him. This was unusual. I knew to say “no”.

In the past, I’ve had two romantic interests where despite an attraction, I also felt discourse, unrest, lack of peace, confusion and neediness. It would start with a feeling that the person I was interested in should feel better, be happier….I had a longing for their healing.

I would see the beauty in that person, how funny they were, how generous or kind they wanted to be at all times, and how they weren’t able to be for some reason. My love would help them! They even said so!

I discovered by doing The Work that I loved being the patient, loving, thoughtful, calm, kind person. By comparison to their personal behavior or agony, I looked really good. Conscientious, generous, even-keeled, very accepting.

But while I may have looked like I was patient, kind, and accepting with that person, I was not that way with myself.

One of the most obvious and dramatic examples of this is when someone is in a relationship with a person who hits them, or breaks things, or yells all the time, or says mean or vicious things often……and the person who receives the blow does not leave.

This is really not kind, to YOU. Saying “no” is what is perfect when you say “yes” to being kind to yourself. In fact, the person who has done the hitting may even feel relieved, calmer, more peaceful and kinder. Which is what you really want, right?

Loving your “enemies”, loving what is, does not mean I stay in the presence of everyone who has been violent. In fact, I do the Work, on my own, with paper and pen and a facilitator. (I personally find it essential to have a person facilitate me when it’s a repetitive experience or issue that feels big and confusing).

I meet my own mind and my own opposing thoughts, I am free to come and go, to say yes and no, to be in or out of the presence of other humans when that choice is offered.

“When you question what you believe, the mind is free, and it’s no longer at war with itself. And it’s unlimited–genius is an understatement…..
Are you taking care of yourself? Or are you taking care of him as a trade-off so that he will think well of you?”~Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story

Once a great friend told me she loved asking herself the question “what would kindness do?” Many of us immediately think about what would be most kind for everyone else around us.

This means to ask it first of yourself, as you are the only person you can most deeply attend to. And if you are honestly kind to yourself, then you will be kind to the people around you.

Saying “no” to interaction with someone may be very kind. There may be someone better for them to connect with who is much more suited to the task.

“When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution. So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Love, Grace

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Sick, Crazy, Insane Thoughts

Many of us have thoughts enter our minds which actually attack other thoughts:

  • what I am thinking is sick!
  • I must be crazy—he/she/they must be crazy
  • I can’t stand my own mind
  • if I didn’t have this mind, my life would be much better
  • my mind is a cesspool
  • I should be able to stop all this chaos in my head
  • where is the OFF switch?

It’s an all-out war on our own thinking process. An entirely internal argument.

When we make grand sweeping statements like this many of us get tired, depressed, angrier, and wish we were someone else. We start to want to have some big shift of consciousness, some kind of enlightenment, to take us out of this battle field!

But what if we just take one of these thoughts and treat it with some respect. Instead of having such judgments about the actual thinking process we’re in, what if we softened and spent some time looking, like a loving, patient parent perhaps.

Who would you be without the thought that your mind is a cesspool?

Phew, it’s hard to even begin seeing who I’d be. My mind is so speedy quick and the thoughts churn out a million miles per hour.

But really, if I didn’t have the thought that this “thinking” is wrong, bad, annoying, or crazy? I would feel relief. I would also instantly step out of the “thinking” and be able to watch it from a different vantage point.

I would feel this part of me that is an observer, looking and open, without judgment.

Curious, fascinated, interested. Ready to be here for myself. Not so overwhelmed. Trusting that I am the one who can handle this mind, since I’m the one here with it.

“I haven’t met a sick, crazy thought in years. Thoughts are like children–they’re the beloved. They’re children. They’re screaming to be heard, and they scream and scream and scream. And we shut them up; we send them away; we push them under; we deny them, we try to pretend that they’re not there. So when we bring them into the light….and we question them and turn them around, then the children begin to get quiet.”~ Byron Katie

Now, imagine being with a person you know or have known in the past who you have thought of as crazy, sick or insane. You’ve treated them as dangerous, uncomfortable, mean, selfish. You have judged them as someone you need to get away from.

What if you could be with that person without wanting to attack them, push them away, deny them their voice, shut them up, or pretend they are not there? What if you didn’t move away from them so quickly, or decide to “end” your relationship with them forever?

I notice there is something beyond fear, worry, or terror that knows all is well with that person, and all is well with me. I surrender. I allow it all.

Everyone has their path in life, and some paths look crazier than others, more extreme and more painful. The more compassion I have for my own mind, I notice the closer I can get to every kind of human being, even people experiencing extreme suffering, people who appear really nuts.

When I am kind, when I am willing to be with myself in a loving way, all people I encounter are welcome in my company.

Byron Katie suggests that being with that person we consider the “enemy” can be like sitting at the feet of a true guru. This is my great moment of undoing the part of me that has to be right, that feels so vulnerable, that has to assert itself.

So can I sit with my enemies and open to them? Can I sit with my own mind and open to it, without all the judgment, defense, analysis and war?

This starts by questioning my thoughts.

“Do we see an enemy?  If so, then we are not seeing things in their true light and are part of the problem we are trying to solve.…..There is nothing wrong with thought and it can be used whenever necessary.   But in every moment you can choose to follow your thoughts or you can recognize that which is not thinking.  Don’t try to stop thinking, let it happen.  Just recognize that which is not thinking.”~ Adyashanti

Don’t try to stop those people out there who are not behaving or saying or being how we would like, just recognize that you are not seeing them in their true light.

You can see them in their true light. Part of this amazing universe, part of your world. Here for an important reason, to bring out love beyond all fear.

We can all love those people and that nutty thinking inside ourselves, unconditionally. You may notice…..they get quieter, more manageable, and they scream less.

Love, Grace

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When You’ve Got Nothin—Give

Eckhart Tolle writes “the source of all abundance is not outside you. It is part of who you are. However, start by acknowledging and recognizing abundance without.” 

There are many forms of abundance. Cash. Loving friends. Kind people. Inspiring opportunities. Intimacy with my family.

Many people feel sad or frustrated about these things missing in their lives….not enough money, not enough recognition, not enough fun, not enough love, not enough time.

But what does it mean to start acknowledging abundance around me, like Eckhart says? What abundance???!! That’s what I’m talking about—there isn’t any!! Jeez!!

This is one of those practices that can catch on quicker than you think. You GIVE first. It doesn’t make logical sense to the mind. I’m almost out of money, why would I give? I never get enough acceptance from my mother, why would I give her any?

Because the world is made of a flow of in and out, like the tides. And if nothing else, since the way you’re thinking is not actually working so far and you feel lack in this area, why not flip it upside down and try a different way? There’s nothing to lose, right?

What if you walked around today without the thought that you’re lacking something? If it feels difficult to be in the state of lacking NOTHING, then just think about one thing you feel is lacking. Only that.

Let’s say you want more cash. Not enough. You can’t pay important bills, enjoy your life, travel, live in a nice place, enroll in educational programs, or eat three meals today.

If I lived my life only today without the thought that I need more money, what might that be like? What if I didn’t believe the thought that there isn’t enough?

First, I notice that I quit finding proof of how limited I am, how unhappy without more money. I quit focusing on what I can’t or don’t have.

Then….I begin to notice tiny things, at least they seem tiny. I have $2 in my wallet. I have a wallet, nice old worn leather actually. I have clothes on, and a sweater. It’s summer, I don’t even need a coat, I’m not cold. I have a place to sleep tonight.

If I could give, what could I give? This has to be REAL giving, not fake giving. Not like: I’m going to give something in order to do this exercise so that more money comes to me after I give. That is not genuine. This is about being completely authentic. Letting go of the outcome.

If I could really give right now, in this moment, as if I had enough…what could I give, and still have integrity and peace? What could I give and RISK that I may not get anything back?

I could smile at the next person I pass. I could write a card to someone. I could call my mother. I could listen to a stranger fully as she speaks to ask me a question. I could email a friend.

I can notice that around me there are a thousand colors, trees, cement, clouds, paint, noises, people walking, a phone, lights blinking, birds, blackberry bushes. So many things I couldn’t name them all, I would have to sit in one place and write a list of everything I saw and it could take all day. There are things, shapes, sounds EVERYWHERE. Pretty abundant.

I notice I could say to this close person in my life “I know I often see what’s missing between us, but I also want you to know that I really appreciate you. I see how you’ve done the best you can.”

Or, if that feels a bit much, you can say out loud a few things you like about them. “I’ve always liked your persistence, your laugh, and your hair”.

You could express yourself from the depth of your soul without self-criticism…”I have no money left, I feel so ashamed, I need help on how to handle my situation, I screwed up, I am sorry, I love you and sometimes you bug me and I don’t know how to respond, I want to be of service.”

That’s what I did when I tried everything by myself, watched my bank account go down to zero, and had nothing left, and no way to pay for my house or any of my expenses for the next month.

This is what it’s like to live the turnaround “I have enough”. I am not too small. I am enough, I have the ability to handle this, I am good.

“The acknowledgement of abundance that is all around you awakens the dormant abundance within…..Abundance comes only to those who already have it. It sounds almost unfair, but of course it isn’t. It is a universal law. Both abundance and scarcity are inner states that manifest as your reality.”~Eckhart Tolle

You are enough. You have exactly how much you need for this particular moment in time in your life. Try giving, without expecting anything in return. Turn on the faucet, even if it’s a little drip. Let the tide go out, so it can come back in.

“Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap.”~Jesus

Love, Grace

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That Annoying Person Should Change

There are many spiritual and philosophical traditions that encourage humans to “take responsibility” for themselves.

What does this actually mean? I am “taking” the blame, duty, liability, charge, burden, accountability for my life for myself.

The word “taking” shows that I could leave responsibility out there on another person, events, the weather, my parents, the way I grew up…..in fact it’s almost like that’s where responsibility naturally is perceived to be—out there. That’s why I have to take it.

The odd thing is, in doing The Work or any form of self-inquiry, in reading many spiritual traditions and teachings, the more we take responsibility for our lives, the more there seems to be a murky line about where I end and the rest of the world begins.

In fact, I begin to see how wherever I go, whatever I see, whomever I’m interacting with…..there I am, present right in that situation. It’s like I’m a part of the universe all the time, everywhere.

(This reminds me of Dr. Hew Len, teacher of ho’oponopono from an ancient Hawaiian spiritual practice. He told me once during a workshop how he noticed that everywhere he ever went in the world, when there was a problem, there was one common denominator—HE was there).

Debbie Ford wrote a wonderful book called Spiritual Divorce in which she writes about taking full and complete responsibility for her attraction, her marriage, and her divorce with her former husband.

It was a spiritual wake-up call, she says for taking responsibility for herself instead of blaming her partner.

So here I am willing and able to take responsibility for myself and my responses to the universe and the people in it, and I see some people in the world who are annoying, who have personality traits I don’t like or find repulsive.

I write down all the things I find most annoying about them. How I think that person should change. This is my list, on paper, of what is here that is unpleasant that I get to investigate. I expose my judgments. They are there anyway, so might as well admit it and take a look.

  • she is so sugary sweet and laughs way too often
  • she can’t stop talking
  • she is so superficial and talks about really boring things in life
  • she’s very negative, she complains too much
  • she is scared, needy, and clingy
  • I wish she would stop singing, whistling, babbling on

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean I now rip myself to shreds for being judgmental.

I see that annoying person, and I ask myself what is it in ME that is seeing this behavior, those words, that way of being as annoying? Can I watch it and look at it and see what else I’m believing?

I listened recently to Byron Katie doing the Work with a woman who was very annoyed with one of her friends. Katie asks the woman, who would you be without the thought that your friend is boring, negative, fearful, annoying or full of complaints?

Who would I be if I looked, without all the judging? If I didn’t think “I need to get away from her! I need to avoid spending time with her! She’s not that great a friend!”

I would see that this woman is being herself, and when I’m listening to her I’m afraid she will never stop talking. I am scared of her neediness, I’m scared of my own falseness when I see her, and my resistance to her. I think I should be helping out, I should be nicer. I’m afraid to speak up, thinking she will be hurt, and then I will be hurt. I’m stuck. I’m sad that this woman feels so worried, frantic, and makes so much noise. I’m sad she’s not able to relax. I’m sad thatI am not able to relax around her!

I see how this annoying person should not change until I step up and take responsibility for how I feel in her presence. She is showing me what I am scared of in the world, what I think I can’t handle. She is showing me where I forget my sense of humor, compassion, and kindness, which are so much more natural for me than being annoyed.

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.”~Byron Katie 

Love, Grace

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Choose Your Poison

The mind is funny. The other day I had the image appear (among thousands that pop in and out all day long) of one cowboy saying to another cowboy in an old wild west bar, with a gravelly voice, “greetings friend….choose your poison“. They are calling all the available liquor choices “poison”. The choice will be made which one to drink, and then they’ll sit together and talk.

The dictionary defines poison as a substance that is harmful, impairs health. Something with an inherent property of destruction to life.

There’s something defiant and totally transparent about naming the alcohol “poison”. Humorous. Not afraid, aware of what’s going on. Simple.

What is tricky is when there are other substances or much more subtle agreements about the poison we’re all going to choose to drink together and we think we’re defiant and full of laughter about it….but it’s not all that amusing.

Some of these all-group lets-join-together and drink the poison are broad beliefs like these:

  • having a young, thin, physically fit body is best
  • making lots of money is extremely important
  • finding a mate or partner or love will make me happy
  • working on oneself for improvement is vital to a better life
  • spiritual enlightenment is the best goal anyone could have

Any one of these can feel very positive, exciting, and adventurous. But when we believe they are 100% absolutely true and that I have to be the one choosing it, then holding any of these beliefs can be harmful….can destroy openness, mystery.

Believing these with all our might can actually impair our ability to have an incredible, magical relationship with the universe.

Spiritual beliefs and beliefs about how to live a good life can feel safe and comfortable, but it’s amazing that even these, if written down on paper, can be easily questioned.

I remember when I first realized that I couldn’t be sure of anything being true when it came to God, Spirit, Source, the Universe, or spiritual beliefs or principles of any kind.

Pretty frightening. You mean, nothing is certain? I can’t be sure of any clear answers? I don’t really LIKE the empty feeling, I don’t really like how unknown it all is.

“Even the most benevolent, exalted beliefs just separate us from the mysetry of life as it is. The more you set aside your beliefs and encounter life directly, without argument or struggle, the more you discover a natural responsiveness that’s inherently gentle, loving, and ethical and doesn’t require a spiritual worldview to maintain.”~Stephan Bodian

There is an “I” here that seems like me that wants to say that if I give up all seeking and confess that there is no definitive answer about anything, that I’ll be selfish and self-centered, or despairing and unhappy.

Look again at what you imagine is the worst that could happen if you Don’t Know for sure about anything.

What if you don’t choose any poison? Or what if you choose but you don’t really drink it, you just let it set on the table right in front of you and then go on about your conversations. Or…even if you drink it, you notice that the effect wears off and you’re back to I-don’t-know. (You can bounce around there, drinking and having it wear off over and over if you choose).

It seems like this is the experience of everyone. Nothing Absolute.  Many flavors.

“The Tao is infinite, eternal. Why is it eternal? It was never born; thus it can never die. Why is it infinite? It has no desires for itself; thus it is present for all beings. The Master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao te Ching #7

See if you can stay with the Unknown and be with it. Find out if it’s safe. See for yourself if the mysterious universe is loving and friendly. No rules.

And by the way, I like that others have had life-shifting experiences and that they have described them as Friendly. We can remember this when the going gets tough and we need a little comfort. It helps us continue to question it all.

Byron Katie says  she found out that when she believed her thoughts, she suffered, and when she didn’t believe her thoughts, she felt peace. That’s why I love questioning everything, and not choosing ANY poison.

Love, Grace

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I Need To Help Someone

Emergency!! My friend is very depressed, suicidal even, using a lot of alcohol. I need to help her! Another friend is suffering from a terminal illness. I need to help him! My child is very upset. I need to help her!

Many of us look at other humans who are expressing sadness, confusion or anger with the speedy response that we need to help that person, ASAP. We need to fix things for them, support them, DO SOMETHING.

Agony if we can’t help. Anxiety. Even frustration. Perhaps the thought that WE are doing something wrong if the person doesn’t change or become happier.

Parents have this “problem” quite often. I am the custodian of this small person in the world. This child is suffering (I can see by their tears or their anger) and I MUST act quickly to help them STOP crying or being angry.

There are so many beliefs happening in that moment that are conflicted, opposing and stressful.

This morning I facilitated a woman who was doing the Work on her ten year old, who was having a melt-down. She was very distraught about that moment, so we looked at everything that was going on right in that very situation when her son was so upset.

Here were the thoughts zooming through her mind:

  • I don’t know what to do
  • I need to do something good
  • I must not be a good parent since I can’t think of anything
  • This crying really upsets ME
  • We will be late (other people will get upset)
  • My child will have a difficult future unless I offer some kind of good solution
  • I need to meet his needs
  • I’m not good enough
  • I can’t handle this
  • People will think I’m a bad mother

I could hear the pain and suffering coming out of this situation, this incredibly difficult moment. This mother adored her son, and she believed she was supposed to know what to do to help him.

Many of us are terribly uncomfortable with other people suffering. We naturally want to help. If someone in this world gets too upset or depressed, they could kill themselves, kill someone else, start a war, have a miserable life.

When someone is really, really close to us, like parent-child relationships, then many parents actually feel responsible for the suffering they see in their children. As a parent, I’m believing I need to provide my child with skills, hope, happiness, love…all they need to have a good feeling on the inside and therefore a good life. If I were a really excellent parent, my child wouldn’t suffer!

This is a huge, tall, immense and impossible order. Not only should I know what to do if my kid is in pain, but I should have pre-emptively known what to do or say before now, so that they wouldn’t be in this situation where they are presently suffering.

Some parents, in order to counteract that sense of not knowing what to do (when they believe they SHOULD know) get more know-it-all and give lectures or say “here’s what you need to do…” and make a speech. Too frightening to admit that here in this moment of pain being expressed, they can’t really fix it.

Seeing what you actually are thinking in these moments of great stress, in the presence of someone else (like your child) feeling unhappy, and then questioning if what you think is really, really true is a wonderful first step to unhooking the agony created with wanting to rescue someone from pain.

Is it true that I need to do something? Is it true that I need to KNOW what to do or say? Is it true that if I don’t help, fix, calm down, soothe or enlighten this person that they will be lost now, and in the future?

If I couldn’t think the thought I have to help my kid, with a panicked, nervous, or intense feeling on the inside, what do I notice? How would I be with my child?

What if I could relax….even just a little….and let this child have his or her experience? Leave it the way it is. Don’t rush to offer a solution, or get upset with myself for not having one.

What if I didn’t yell at myself internally that I’m not a good enough parent, and that this child NEEDS me. What if no one in the world really needs me? Even my clients who come to me for counseling?

“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.”~Tao te Ching #71

If we really feel and discover this place where we are our own physician, we need nothing in this moment right in the presence of someone else who is hurting. We simply are present, knowing nothing, watching, being, trusting.

Who would I be without the thought that my child needs help, my client needs help, the world needs my help…that I should do something?

Waiting. Silent. Ready for whatever happens. Joyful at a deep level….Helpful.

Love, Grace

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Dictator-Chaos Bouncy House

In my work with many, many people with concerns about their diet and their relationship with food over the past 15 years, from ages 14 to 80, a wonderful awareness comes forward when people realize that controlling themselves vs having zero control is a core human painful experience.

Those of us with painful experiences of eating or not-eating are not alone in feeling out of control and then in control.

I call it the Dictator–Chaos Bouncy House. If you’ve ever been in an obvious addictive pattern of using something, like food, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, gambling….then you’re really familiar with it.

It goes like this: “I am NOT going to let this situation scare me, this person bug me, this experience make me fail”. The body is tight, fists clenched, thinking is directed. Our mind says things like I-will-never, I-will-always, how-dare-you, never-look-back…” This is the Dictator stance.

Then, we want to get away from the Dictator (understandably….have you ever been in a concentration camp?). We want to feel free, alive, I-can-do-whatever-I-want, live-today-for- tomorrow- I-could-die, who cares what happens! The diet can go to hell! All hell breaks loose! Chaos! Wildness! Freedom! Insobriety!

The core beliefs are shouting and very painful “I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!!!!”

This life, this situation, this existence. Even if you have no substantive addictive cycle in your life, the mind loves to think that there is a Problem here. It loves to solve problems. It loves to divide and conquer and analyze and come up with a Plan.

In our Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass today, one wonderful participant spoke of the vast, empty feeling she had when entering her home after a day of being out. Another two thought about entering the house at the end of the day thinking about all that needed to be done….too much.

I remember in the past, if I had an entire evening to myself and I felt even a tiny bit self-critical about something undone in my life, I might choose to enter Chaos instead of staying with the dark emptiness.

Drink, eat, smoke, shop, video, phone, chat, read, computer, gossip, dream…fill it up. Forget about that Nothingness thing or The List of to-do’s.

If I don’t get away from that feeling of emptiness, or fear, overwhelm or anger….that would be terrible. Devastating, too terrifying. So painful, stressful. Nooooooooo!

But then what happens if I don’t HAVE to do something about this empty moment full of loneliness or fear? Am I SURE that there is no one else, nothing else in existence out there (in here?) Am I sure there is no happiness, no sensation of peace possible? Am I sure it is all darkness, hopeless, impossible? Is it true that this is BAD?

“The Master doesn’t try to be powerful, thus he is truly powerful. The ordinary man keeps reaching for power, thus he never has enough. The Master does nothing, yet he leaves nothing undone. The ordinary man is always doing things, yet many more are left to be done. The kind man does something, yet something remains undone. The just man does something, and leaves many things to be done. The moral man does something, and when no one responds he rolls up his sleeves and uses force. 

When the Tao is lost, there is goodness. When goodness is lost, there is morality. When morality is lost, there is ritual. Ritual is the husk of true faith, the beginning of chaos. Therefore the Master concerns himself with the depths and not the surface, with the fruit and not the flower. He has no will of his own. He dwells in reality, and lets all illusions go.~Tao te Ching #38

Here I am in this moment with my empty house and free time, and the Thought Factory offering suggestions for what I could do with this moment.

Can I have a real look at reality, right here even in THIS moment, and not attempt to assert my own will? Is love present here?…..joy?….silence?….no illusions?  I need to do something, I need to feel something different from what is here right now, I am not safe….is it true?

Love, Grace

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Attached To Praise

Many of us notice that we are attached to hearing praise. “Wow, you are so amazing, I love what you’re doing, your work is incredible, you did that so well, you get an A, you get a gold star, I would follow you anywhere, I’m madly in love with you, you’re just so perfect…”

Teachers say these kinds of things to students, parents to children, friends to their friends, lovers to each other, employees to bosses, bosses to employees. Anyone might say this who is trying to get the attention of the other person.

It is VERY interesting to watch the place inside that likes the praise. I now like that person who likes me. I do NOT like that other person who does NOT say good things about me.

I remember when I first discovered that I would begin to “like” someone when they apparently liked me. Mostly with authority figures who seemed to think I was doing a good job. If I did a good job at something, then I should do MORE of that.

I did not want to speak up about things I saw at work or school that might take away that positive talk and reinforcement and good feeling I had. I felt safe, I didn’t want to mess up that safe feeling. They like me, oh good. Nothing bad will happen, like getting fired.

Later in life, I seemed to become interested in men who expressed romantic interest in me, attraction for me…although the suspicion of my own motives began to offer me perspective. Just because he wants me, can I detach from knowing that and ask myself if I want him?

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with someone who is expressing interest, offering praise, saying they appreciate you, speaking their adoration….this is about seeing that some us of start to FORGET what we like and don’t like, because of what is being expressed.

Most of us are deeply drawn to being truly free. No need to receive positive strokes, hear what others think and hope that it’s favorable. But it’s hard to give up and enter the world of NOT KNOWING and doing what pleases ourselves, what is most kind to ourselves.

Here is a most beautiful test, though, thought up by Anthony deMello, that offers a true awareness of what is possible beyond all this pushing and pulling and going towards and going away from others: pretend you’re ultimately in a conversation with God, Source, Reality, the Universe.

You’re talking to IT, the Bigness beyond you. Now notice what it’s like if you tell God or the Universe that you don’t need it/him/her, or any of the praise that Bigness offers. Hearing how perfect you are does not “make” you move towards God differently, does not make you depend on God or feel attached to God.

What if you could say and feel “I am perfectly happy without you. You are free, I am free.”

Perfectly happy with or without The Universe? But I can’t do this life without some encouragement, praise, being loved, being wanted! Bosses have to like me, partners have to adore me, friends have to say how likable I am, God has to accept me unconditionally. I know what all those things look like, and I need them. I will be lonely without enjoying praise. I will be too detached, that would be weird.

“The difference between theism and nontheism is not whether one does or does not believe in God. . . Theism is a deep-seated conviction that there’s some hand to hold: if we just do the right things, someone will appreciate us and take care of us. . . Nontheism is relaxing with the ambiguity and uncertainty of the present moment without reaching for anything to protect ourselves.”~ Pema Chodron

Adyashanti once said during retreat “Enlightenment is standing on your own two feet”.

I am scared of giving up attachment to hearing warm, lovely praise only because I am imagining that it might be frightening out on the open empty plains all alone with no certainty.

But that’s what many of us really, really want. Total freedom. Not allowing ourselves to be manipulated by anything. Open and wild, trusting it all.

Love, Grace

 

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Looking For Something Means I Don’t Like NOW

It seems true that everyone is looking for something. Whether in five minutes or in during this lifetime….we are looking for excitement, peace, creativity, safety, joy, balance, contentment.

Today, I am looking to get a lot of writing done. Some people are looking for a job, a special relationship, more money, adventure, inventing something new in their lives. Maybe you are looking forward to your kids succeeding or becoming really happy.

Perhaps you seek enlightenment, bliss, being awake. Or having the best in-shape awesome healthy body you could possibly have. Or looking for a cure for your cancer.

I have found, pure looking with my hands clapping together and exuberance…is so much fun. No stress. Simple pleasure, loving my desire, loving my imagination.

But it’s soooooooo easy to click over into feeling FRUSTRATED that we don’t have that thing we’re looking for. Enter disappointment, despair, depression, terror, or FURY!

How come those other people get to find what they’re looking for? How come I don’t have it yet? Why am I not satisfied? It seems like I work SO HARD but I’m still not THERE. I keep getting interrupted, bored, tired, abandoned, discouraged. I don’t have enough time!!

Within a matter of minutes (or seconds) we’re seeing what is lacking. NOT what is here in the present situation that is satisfying and good.

Dang it.

Here’s where investigation of the mind comes in, doing The Work so we have really simple questions (not always simple to answer). Oh good, I get to dive into that “difficulty” and see what it’s here for, see what’s going on.

  • I’m not getting what I’m looking for fast enough
  • the sooner I find it, the better
  • I can’t really have fun, relax or completely enjoy myself until I find ___.
  • this moment/situation/experience could be improved if I had ___.

Things would be good if I had more money, more peace, a boyfriend, a wife….if I stayed on my diet, followed an exercise program, spent more time outdoors….if I meditated more, had time to study, found the right teacher….if I figured out the best tricks for my business growth, sold more products, launched a new offering….if my house was clean, my closet had space, the lawn was mowed.

Who would you be without the belief that you can’t relax, you can’t enjoy your desire, you can’t get what you want, you shouldn’t speak up and ask for help, or that NOW is not good enough?

But if I think that NOW is GOOD, then things will never improve! I will be a saintly pacifist with no accomplishments! I will be bummed out, never “trying” to go for anything. Life will be meaningless. NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE!!

Are you sure?

Could it be possible that I could be thrilled, full of wonder, contentedly happy, kind, and softly relaxed….right in the middle of dreaming about all that money I will have in the future and all the fun I will have in my business or job developments?

Could I be absolutely delighted right now, as I think with joy about my clean house, the mowed lawn, the work I will do on my computer, the open honest intimate conversation I will have with my spouse or my boss?

Could I be having an awesome rockin’ time dancing or attending a party by myself while excitedly thinking of how fun it is to have a date, a partner, a spouse?

Without the thoughts that something must happen, and THEN I will be really happy…I notice it’s possible to be ecstatic right now.

Even if something terrible is happening, like my father is dying….I notice without the thought that this shouldn’t be happening and that I am entirely against it, I cry and my grief flows like a river and I hold his hand and I do not feel desperate.

There is something present in every moment that is content, that is OK. Even the moments that need a slight adjustment, according to the mind, and the ones needing a major overhaul (like death and trauma).

“The plot twist changes. But underlying that, something is the same, and as far back as you can remember…….You think that enlightenment is something other than what is happening right now. This is your primary mistake”~ Adyashanti

If what is happening right now, for me, includes dreaming of running two glorious retreats full of curious, thoughtful people all doing The Work on their hatred or sadness with their imperfect bodies, and their painful addictions, then without a stressful thought about it, I feel such happiness right NOW. It’s SO FUN. I notice I start writing, I know what to do next, right in this moment.

Which way do you think you will get more of what you want? Being against what is happening right now, or being for it?

Love, Grace