Category: Relationships

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When our work is the suffering of death….especially a beloved’s suicide

When someone we care about dies, there is perhaps nothing so intense.

(I know this isn’t always true).

And yet, as I work with people and within myself, I see the deepest grief, dread of life without them, panic, abandonment, fear and longing all come to the surface when someone close dies.

When the death is by what we call suicide, a choice to move into that death experience deliberately….

….it can bring some unique thoughts.

We believe they should have stayed, should have chosen otherwise, shouldn’t be gone–not this way.

We even imagine other options for death (at least I did) that might have been “easier” somehow.

Strange the mind is.

“It would have been easier if he had died in a car accident”. 

I had this thought about a friend I loved dying by suicide.

That way would have been better for his children, wife, extended family, community, himself.

Can we absolutely, solidly, positively without any doubt know that our thoughts are true?

One thing I can know is true is the courage and grace I witness when someone does The Work of Byron Katie on the death of a loved one.

When the death is by suicide, it is profound.

To be with the voices that scream “shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t, no, no, no, not this way, no” takes such immense courage and listening as we sit with the four questions.

The story of death seems bleak, terrifying, unknown, filled with loss, disappointing, maybe even horrifying.

I’ve had the thought “I can’t go on”. 

I’ve had the thought “THEY can’t go on” about or for other people who have experienced death of loved ones by suicide (and other death).

Heart-breaking. 

In the work, we ask this amazing question four:

Who would we be without our beliefs about death; death by suicide, death by other means….death?

Right now, who would we be without our ideas, dreams, imaginings, anticipation, expectations of death?

Who would we be without the story of loss as we remember holding that person in our arms who has since died?

Join me to sit in the beautiful inquiry of a woman new to The Work who had someone she cared about deeply die by suicide.

May this inquiry serve you and all those suffering from unexpected death.

For those who would appreciate the healing of group inquiry over six weeks starting this coming Monday July 20th….this is the one “six week retreat” we do online together.

We call it summer camp, and it’s all virtual using zoom.

You can share, listen-only, soak it in, participate by speaking and doing The Work, or share in writing in our private forum.

You come and go as you need to, and choose the days you’ll attend (you can mark your calendar).

We gather for daily inquiry of 60-75 mins for the whole time (except weekends). Mondays we meet at 9am PT, Tuesdays 5pm PT, Wednesdays at Noon PT, Thursdays 3pm PT, and Fridays at 8am PT.

Read more about camp and sign up here. Pay from the heart contribution of sliding scale or based on what you’ll attend or listen to. (Everything’s recorded).

Much love,

Grace

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My child shouldn’t be this way (+ spring and summer inquiry gatherings)

Before inquiry, two things.

First, spring retreat has a nice little group of people ready to work together online May 14-17. You can sign up for parts, or all, of the retreat. Six segments in total. Come to one or all. Everyone will get the chance to do their own work in the supportive climate of being with others.

To look up spring retreat schedule and understand more about the daily program during May retreat, visit this page HERE.

 

Second, I heard from the program director at Breitenbush. The June 2-7 Breitenbush Hotsprings Resort Retreat in Oregon that I’m co-facilitating with the good Tom Compton is (hooray) on the schedule for in-person retreat, inquiry and rest. Breitenbush is re-opening for business on May 8th. They’ll have plenty of time to prepare for us.

 

We already have a good sized group registered….but because it’s been so weird, I wasn’t sure what to say, do, or announce in advance on this one, you know? How bizarre.

 

Because of the strange uncertainty, we’re extending our early bird sign-up to May 7th and letting you know right now “Wow! This is probably happening!”

 

This may be the first time some of us leave the house since the covid descended. That will be true for me, most likely. Here where I live in the state next door to where  Breitenbush is located, Washington state, they’ve just announced we’re moving out of lockdown on May 18th.

 

The good news is, full refunds will be given with no hidden fees of any kind if there is any cancellation or extension of the current facility closure to protect from the virus.

 

NOTE: We may have a separate online version of the retreat if anything happens with the covid thing and we’re not meeting in person. ALSO, we’ll be teaching in early December 3-6, 2020 again at Breitenbush and that retreat is already taking reservations. Basically, any changes, there will be no penalty, and you can even switch your participation to the December event instead.

 

Come one, come all, for an amazing adventure of this in-person retreat where Tom and I co-pilot a deep dive into self-inquiry with The Work.

 

I’m looking forward to the deep breath of pristine, clean, glorious air at Breitenbush….and knowing ultimately it will happen when reality decides.

 

I’m planning on being there June 2nd.
If you’re drawn to participate, we hope knowing the full refund offered if it’s cancelled will make you feel comfortable calling Breitenbush now and signing up to get a good spot for lodging.

 

Reality will show us the way of the future. Exciting!

 

To read more about the retreat, visit here. It is best to call Breitenbush at 503-854-3320 to choose your lodging and confirm your stay. They’ll help you get your questions answered.

 

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So. I’ve heard from many people in this time of togetherness all-the-time for quite a few folks that some of their family members are driving them bonkers.

 

Another friend shared with me the domestic violence cases have risen fairly dramatically.

 

Yikes.

 

Lots of time together in each other’s space without lots of distance can make whatever was there already bloom a bit.

 

Or OK, explode.

 

If you’ve had the belief “they should be different!!!” you’ll know what I mean.

 

In the past few months, I’ve learned some things from one of my young adult children that was totally unexpected.

 

This child of mine, no longer a child because age 25 is an adult, wants to be called by pronouns they/them.

 

I had heard of this, been aware of the transgender movement, known young people going by they/them who were friends of my kids.

 

But once it was up front and close, it felt so personal.

 

Such odd thoughts came to mind, they seemed so dramatic. I surprised myself in my own reactions.
  • this is tragic
  • my child is destroying their future
  • I can’t do it
  • it’s so sad
  • I didn’t do a good job as a parent instilling confidence  in what you’re born with
  • my child won’t get a job
  • why would anyone do this?
Sigh.
It felt almost heart-breaking to hear all these thoughts and have all the images of the future, and sadness for the “easier” past.
What did I know to do, when I woke up in the middle of the night thinking “OMG! I have to write a letter immediately!!”
Then I knew….it’s not a letter I ‘have to’ write….as if my words sent to my child will change their mind forever and make it all go away.
[Thanks for explaining it all to me, mom, you’ve nailed it, filled in the blanks, told me the truth, and now I am no longer depressed or upset–LOL].

No, not a letter.

A worksheet.

Always start with a worksheet.

I am upset with my child because…..

Is it true?

Can I absolutely know this being is ruining his/her/their life? Making it harder?

Can I know it’s really “sad”?

Who would I be without my story?

Wow.

Can I actually turn this around and sit with the idea and awareness that this is revolutionary in a brilliant way?

Yes, I could.

Without my story of this as a tragedy, I see my child is alive, contemplative, seeking, reporting having a bit of an existential crisis, concerned about humanity, gender roles, sexism, violence and the earth getting destroyed.

The person they’re becoming is unexpected, fascinating, and very thoughtful. Fluid.

If this is FOR me rather than AGAINST me….I noticed it has little to do with me.

I remember well my own life at 25. Crushing depression, also angry at gender and other societal expectations and roles. Going through a horrible eating disorder (thinking disorder).

Learning. Getting pushed into realization, despite or because of my extreme thinking.

Turning my story around:

  • this is incredible
  • my child is creating their future
  • I can do it
  • it’s so exciting
  • I didn’t do a good job parenting myself by instilling confidence in what I was born with–especially at age 25!
  • my child has a job–to be free in this world
  • Why would I do this (think of this situation as horrible)?

It only took about 48 hours and then returning to some new stressful thoughts to find peace, and even….joy and extreme curiosity (and there still may be more thoughts, and that’s OK).

My thinking should be different, not my child. My child should be exactly the way they are. 

This being is “my” child.

Who would I be without this story?

Much love,
Grace
P.S. It really will be fun to see you and look at our very painful frightening thinking…like the kind that kept me up at night…either online in May, or in person in June. Who knows what fun horizons we can head into. The Great Unknown.
Spring Online Retreat info here.
June Breitenbush Retreat info here.
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When daughters feel upset about their mothers….the Work

A beautiful group of inquirers came to First Friday Open Inquiry sessions last Friday morning 7:45am Pacific Time.

After filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, we got to sit in two different inquiries of the brave people who shared their internal world with us:

First, a moment in childhood where a woman remembers herself at nine years old when her mother displays disgust at her daughter’s rounder body in a bathing suit.

The thought we all sat with: I have to be skinny to be accepted. (I have to be x to be accepted).

The second situation we heard was also a scene with mother and daughter. Mother is crying and sad, daughter was about eight years old….and her belief “My mother is upset and it means that I’m bad”. 

How wonderful to notice how anxious we can be (as children, as adults too) if someone we care about is upset. Is it our fault? We notice how we believe it.

I love all the inquirers who come to sit in The Work on First Fridays. There’s a slowing down, a meditative attitude adopted, a quietness.

Some might call it very slow, perhaps too slow….but not if we’re honestly engaged in self-inquiry.

If you’ve had any of these stressful thoughts mentioned at all, or for any reason you’d like to follow along with the session–which can be so very helpful for reflection–then please enjoy the recording.

It was a beautiful mother-child theme for the day.

Who would you be without the story that you need that other person (mother in this case, or yourself) to be different in order to be happy?

If you want to pass the word along to a friend that these First Friday fabulous meetings occur, then send them the link here so they can get the zoom link to join in their Inbox and get on the mailing list:

https://workwithgrace.lpages.co/first-friday-inquiry-calls-with-grace/

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Spring Cleaning Retreat in May is remaining on the schedule even though Seattle has a Covid-19 Virus scare running through it. We’ll meet at my cottage, if we’re all still alive (little joke). Learn more here. I’ll be sure to keep you completely updated if there’s a need to cancel. So far, so good. Can’t wait to do The Work with you.

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Stuck in a lie in a relationship? (+ relationship class starts Sunday)

This weekend on Sunday, we begin the 8 session live zoom course Divorce/Breaking Up/Separation Is Hell–Is It True?

The pain of feeling separate from another human being who appears to move away from you can be so strong.

Sometimes, even though they aren’t “divorcing” people sign up for this course to look at fears, future anticipation of a changed relationship, upset about change and transition in primary relationship.

In fact, there’s always a minimum of one or two people who are still in a committed partnership, with no talk of divorce even happening….but there’s trouble.

I notice a tendency in my own mind to believe there are three options with just about anything I’m opposing in my life, relationships or otherwise.

I see the situation. I don’t like it.

Mind quickly moves to one of three options:

Choice A) Get away from it. Run. Disappear into the woodwork. Back out of the room slowly. “Ghost” the person or situation (vanish without a trace). AWOL. No show. MIA.

Choice B) Attack the situation or person, whether in your head or right out loud. Aggression. Fighting energy. Feeling furious. Give them a piece of your mind. Rage. Say bitter, upsetting things. Threaten whomever it is you’re opposed to. This can happen internally, without them even being in your environment.

Choice C) Collapse. Feel hopeless, depressed. Rake yourself through the coals. Feel bad about you. Lonely, piteous, sad. List the reasons you’re a piece of sh&* and you screwed this up. Give up. Feel stuck.

Sometimes they call it Flight, Fight or Freeze.

But any one of these has to do with arguing with the present situation.

Relationship, or otherwise.

This course called Divorce/Breaking-Up/Separation Is Hell is really about our own minds and how we divorce ourselves, break-up with ourselves, separate from ourselves.

This is certainly what I did when I got divorced fifteen years ago. I felt panicked, enraged, betrayed, abandoned and lonely.

I felt like my first husband leaving meant I was worthy of being left….and the inner dialogue was horrible.

(Thank God Almighty for The Work–that’s what my grandma would say. Thank Reality Almighty, Thank Peace Almighty, Thank Silence Almighty….use whatever word you like most).

Now, I’m very happily remarried to an adorable and loving man (who’s also great at The Work and self-inquiry) and I still have this range of thoughts on a very subtle level sometimes.

Like, for example.

This morning.

We received a call saying “we need to come into your house to upgrade an electrical panel by adding 100 amp something-or-other. We’ll be there at 7:30am.”

No problem. (We have a building project underway in our back yard).

The electrical panel is in my husband’s office.

He lightly suggests to me “maybe we should move the couch so they can quickly and smoothly get to the panel”.

Good idea!

Then I enter the office.

Boxes, files, piles of books and CDs, clothes and towels on the aforementioned couch. Papers, envelopes, more boxes, storage tubs, folders, boxes for his classroom, a full can of garbage.

My instant reaction to the sight: AGAINST WHAT IS!!!

There were some words, and my little snappish commands, and a quick clean-up session.

But here’s why I’m mentioning it. In the past, because of seeing clutter, my mind has actually gone to the thought in zero to sixty seconds…..“I can’t live with this!”

Pan to me sitting in a tiny cabin near a beach all alone, with zen type clutter-free counters and almost no stuff except laptop and a bookshelf of books. Pure minimalism. Husband or any other human is nowhere n sight. Ahhhhhhhhh.

LOL.

The mind shows pictures of how great it will be in the future if you make a change.

OR….how HORRIBLE.

Either one is fantasy.

What’s amazing is watching the mind do this, jump to one of the three “survivor” choices, without question.

When I do The Work, I get to see differently, and find new creative ways to work with what is. I get to communicate with the partner (if it’s a partner) or share and speak if its someone else.

With self-inquiry, we get to see what other options are possible besides believing “this relationship is a threat, it’s no good, I have to get away”.

It never means you don’t leave a situation or relationship that doesn’t work, or say goodbye and move on (that can be incredibly exciting).

But it’s nice to feel solid instead of pining for the past, or anticipating a disastrous future.

In our course, we get to do exercises with situations that repeat themselves, our fears, sadness, loss. All the exercises can apply really to any relationship where conflict arises.

AND, it’s incredibly sweet and bonding to be with all folks who are facing primary relationship troubles: should I stay or should I go? What brings up my anger? What am I afraid of here? How do I work with these patterns that feel so hard?

We’ve got room for a few more. We meet this Sunday, then no class on January 19th (I’m teaching Eating Peace Retreat next weekend) then seven more sessions on Sundays until March 8th. All are recorded so you can come and go as you need to if you can’t attend them all.

Join me and Nadine right here.

Today, I share a wonderful second interview with a certified facilitator Helena Montelius who experienced a profound piece of news from a former lover….and her story and inner work around this is amazing.

She learned from her former boyfriend that he had AIDS, and now, she did as well. She knew she was sick, and her practitioners had never tested for AIDS as they didn’t think of it–it hadn’t crossed their minds as an option.

Hear about her own “separation hell” to separation heaven in her own heart and mind. It’s incredibly inspiring on so may levels.

Much love,

Grace

 

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The incredibly intense brilliantly loving power of Judging Your Neighbor
We had a fabulous First Friday on Jan 3rd. We’ll be steady on for every month first Friday 7:45am PT until June when we go to 2nd Friday (because I’ll be teaching a retreat with Tom Compton again at Breitenbush June 2-7, 2020).
At First Friday, several people bravely shared honestly and answered the four questions after our opening meditation of writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
We always start with writing the JYN, the important Step One.
A mom who had the thought about her daughter “she’s got addictive behaviors! Oh no!”
A daughter, age 54, who has the thought “my father should leave me be!” every time she talks with her dad on the phone.
A woman thinking she should stop what she’s doing regularly in her life. (Good for the resolution type attitudes going on this time of year).
Every single situation was relatable. Everyone has thoughts that are not unfamiliar, or especially unique. We all have these moments containing these thoughts, or can remember when we once had them all the time.
 
Every time someone does The Work right in front of everyone, it serves everyone who listens. 
 
The starting point is identifying what we think, without editing, without parsing it out, without making it sound better than it actually is.
Someone asked me not long ago to talk about the power of writing the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. Well, we certainly hear it every First Friday and every group and retreat I offer.
I decided to share the power of Step One with you all not only here, but also on my weekly facebook live inquiry (always on Mondays, always super fun–and I take requests–which means you can write to me any time and ask for me to do The Work on a specific thought you’ve been noticing–and I’ll walk us through this on Monday facebook live).
The power of Judging Your Neighbor is immense….the incredible power of judging and listening to the judging. It reveals what is terrifying, uncomfortable, and often even somewhat hidden. 
Visit my facebook live post here.:  Grace’s facebook live Mondays.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Things Coming SOON:

  • Divorce/Breaking Up/Separation Is Hell–Is It True?: 8 session online zoom course dissolving the pain of feeling separate from another human being who appears to move away from you. Join Nadine Ferris-France and Grace Bell right here. Sundays at 11:00am PT/ 7:00pm UK. We start January 12th (no class Jan. 19th).
  • Eating Peace Free Online Masterclass Webinar: Five Beliefs to Question to End Eating Battles. Register HERE.
  • Eating Peace Experience Deep Dive Immersion. Read more HERE.
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Thinking about the end of a relationship? You might want to question that.

Thinking of the end? Join us in DIH: IIT? (That’s short code for Divorce Is Hell: Is It True?) Starting January 12th for 8 weeks. Sundays 11:00am PT.

Sometimes, the companions we meet along our journey in life are…..difficult.

To put it mildly.

Like, for example, the people we marry or move in with or spend lots and lots of time with in romantic formats or possibilities of romance.

Those same people leave us, anger us, hurt us, smite us, replace us, and grow us in ways perhaps we never imagined or dreamed.

It didn’t go the way we wanted it to go.

Perhaps it’s not going the way we wanted it to go right now.

It’s tough when a relationship goes south, or doesn’t seem to be the dreamy wonderful vision it was at first.

The other day, a close friend of mine asked to listen to the memorial service recording of my first husband Tom, from July 2018.

My friend asked about fast-forwarding the recording to where I come to the front and speak.

Fortunately, because another different friend had asked for the very same speech several months ago, I had the exact segment saved from the service where I spoke, quivering voice and all.

I found it again on my computer and sent it.

I couldn’t listen to it myself. Too emotional. Too hard to bring back the memories.

I didn’t want to hear my voice breaking constantly during the short space of time I was on “stage” sharing to an audience of hundreds.

My friend wrote back.

“I am so moved by this profound tribute. I love how your heart remained forever open to Tom. You are MY teacher. I am blessed to have such a good seat in this play. Thank you for your brilliance, consideration and poetry”.

I suddenly had the thought to share this very personal speech with you that feels sacred and somewhat private.

Why?

Because this speech exists because of The Work of Byron Katie. 

This story could have gone very differently. In which case there would have been no speech at all. Perhaps just mourning and jaded despair.

In my relationship to the man who played the role of first husband, I might have remained myself in the role of victim. I might have been bitter. I might have been terrified. I might have been glum or depressed, or feeling like a failure or someone worthy of rejection and abandonment.

I might have remained angry and resentful.

But I learned, just before things went a little haywire in our relationship, how to identify and question my beliefs.

I still have mini fits and tell stories that sound sad, but I know they aren’t true. 

Yes, we got divorced. Yes, I felt abandoned. Yes, I thought I’d never love again. Yes, I thought I wouldn’t make it and was shattered into a million pieces.

None of that turned out to be true. And thankfully, I could SEE it wasn’t true because of questioning my beliefs, questioning what I was telling myself, questioning the thoughts connected to the emotions I felt.

I had the four questions.

Instead, I think of that relationship as one of the most profoundly important and life-transforming of my entire life.

You’ll hear why when you listen.

Click here:

If you are suffering because of a primary relationship going off the rails, or love not measuring up to what you anticipated or expected….

….if you are still “in” the relationship but contemplating a break in the structure and you have fears about what you’re imagining….

….join Nadine and I in our upcoming course starting Sundays January 12th (no meeting Jan. 19th). We meet online on zoom from 11:00am-12:30pm Pacific Time/ 7:00-8:30pm UK.

The only requirement for joining is wanting to end your suffering in relationship; whether in the distant past, in the present, or in the imagined future.

Join us if it’s right for you.

And guess what? Kind of funny (and we get it): We’ve been asked a handful of times for a registration link that doesn’t mention the title so certain partners won’t be hurt or confused if they see it on a credit card statement.

If you want to sign up for this course without having the words “divorce” or “break up” or “separation” or “hell” (LOL) anywhere in print then please feel free to use this simplified link to enroll right here.

This work is about addressing the fearful thinking and finding the peace within you that’s available right now, no matter what the status or condition of your relationship.

It’s about finding freedom and clarity, so you can be honest and real and share yourself lovingly with the other, with every “other”, and notice how peaceful and safe it can be whether you’re committed, married, single, divorced, separated, confused or complicated.

Divorce/Breaking Up/Separation Is Hell–Is It True?: 8 session online zoom course dissolving the pain of feeling separate from another human being who appears to move away from you. Join Nadine Ferris-France and Grace Bell right here. Sundays at 11:00am PT/ 7:00pm UK. We start January 12th (no class Jan. 19th).

Much love,

Grace

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Trying something new? Notice what you fear. Question it.

Holy smokes, a lot is “beginning” soon.

2020 Vision is upon us.

If you’ve ever felt moved to do or try or venture into something new…..there may be a few thoughts about it.

For example.
Just a few months ago, my friend Max texted both me and my husband “I’m signing up for a hip-hop class. Would love your company. Will you take it with me?”
I immediately went to the website, despite the late start on Tuesdays (8 pm) and looked to get more information.
I signed up. My husband wasn’t so sure, and the class was full before he could even think about it.
For me, it was a “yes” right away and I followed that “yes”.
They have a class for hip-hop? I’m in, I thought.
I’ve only learned hip-hop or other dance by watching, in school hallways long ago, on the grass outside the auditorium, at house parties, in the movies, dancing at clubs. There were no classes for dancing of this kind. The way you learned was by watching and copying and inventing.
The first night of class, my friend Max was traveling.
So I went by myself.
When you do something new, everything is like a little blossoming story unfolding right in front of you. Finding the location, finding a place to park, entering the building.
The class took place in a big busy vibrant area of my city called Capitol Hill, at Velocity Dance. People were swarming around the entrance, skipping up the steps, crowding in the entry area inside.
There was an office. A woman inside, where it was much quieter, directed me to go through all the people (who were here for another dance event) and find a door on the left that would take me to a different studio in back for my hip-hop class.
When I made my way through the throngs to this back studio and entered, a new group was milling, waiting and talking on the edge of the dance floor. People were removing coats, tucking water bottles into the cubbies provided, changing their shoes, laughing with friends.
And they were all the age of my young adult kids.
An immediate thought careening through my head “I am too old for this. What were you thinking? It’s a hip-hop class.”
But another thought right next to that one “Who am I without the thought?” Hilarious joyous laughter at the fun things I get myself into. And questioning the belief “I don’t belong.”
My mind was actually yelling for a second “You’re almost 60! Get a grip!” (I’ll be 59 in January, so it’s true, but the TONE of that voice, jeez).
Who IS that talking?
That’s a great question. Who is that who is talking with such disdain and criticism, and why are they saying it?
One of my favorite exploration in studying mind and thought is the question “What is the threat? What am I (or what is that voice) afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen?”
I recognized the assumption of that voice. It’s trying to warn me, protect me. It believes “I will be rejected, they’ll think I don’t belong, the other humans in the room (a dance studio in this case) will wish I wasn’t there.”
THEY will be threatened by ME.
Which is bad. Because, look what happens when a threat arises? A separation begins. Me vs Them. A divide.
Someone doesn’t belong.
Danger.
How do you react when you think THEY think you don’t belong? When you believe it might be a risk to go somewhere new, do something different, enter new territory, be with new humans you never met before?
How I react is I see pictures in my head of past situations when I heard of separation and rejection happening. I really have no idea how the class will unfold with all these people in it who I see in the room, but the mind conjures up images of those people being judgmental, wondering why I am here, them thinking I don’t belong.
Who would I be without this belief “I don’t belong here because of my age”?
Totally thrilled and enjoying myself. Incredibly curious about life which happened to bring me into this space and time on a dark wintry night in Seattle.
Fascinated with the other humans I see in this class–so many of them appear to be from other countries all over Asia. Fascinated by the instructor who has grey speckles in his beard (making him theoretically a little older) black eyes and gorgeous moves.
Noticing very quickly how the mind doesn’t care about age anymore and is more curious about everyone and is full of questions, questions, questions.
Without the thought, this body becomes a vehicle for watching what is, listening. Noticing other bodies with arms and legs and necks. Watching them with absolute wonder as they move–some of them looking as if they are also incredibly new and awkward to movement in this way.
Without the thought that I’m too old for this class, I’m hearing music I remember from the 90s (my favorite!). Wondering if these dance students know this music, since they were probably babies when it was produced.
Turning the thought around: I belong here, at the age of this body.
How could this be true that it’s wonderful, an enhancement, something beneficial that I’m here showing up in this aged body and the “oldest” in the class?
Well, first of all….I’m here. That’s what happened. So I should be there, because I am.
Second, I feel incredibly grateful and absolutely fascinated that I’m so drawn to dancing, and dancing happens easily at my age as any other age. I appear to be more comfortable, in fact, than some of the other dancers.
Third, I get reminded of my two young adult kids who I adore.
Fourth, I get to learn new dance moves. I get to learn a dance routine, which is difficult for me–I usually dance very spontaneously and memorizing the routine requires concentration.
There’s no real reason I don’t belong. No one says for me to leave. No one looks at me funny, in fact they seem friendly.
Turning the thought around again: My aged thinking doesn’t belong here.
Now that’s the truth. My thinking is very old. It’s an old, ancient story of perceiving who does or does not belong based on something to do with the body.
My mind was being prejudiced. We do this to ourselves as much as we do it to others, I’ve noticed.
Who would you be without your story? What might you do? What would you explore? What new experience would you sign up for?
If you were truly free, noticing exactly where you are in the perfect place to be in a body–yours–what would that feel like without your thinking?

“The basic realization that other people can’t possibly be your problem, that it’s your thoughts about them that are the problem–this realization is huge. This one insight will shake your whole world, from top to bottom”. ~ Byron Katie

 

Much love,

Grace

 

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He’s disappointing me–he should be different–true? (+still some spots in course that just started)

It seems there’s a wind of change in the air.

Oh yes, it’s still summer where I live….but not for much longer. The days appear more orange in color, and piles of berries sold in the shops have dwindled.

Maybe because of the pattern for so many years in school, the calendar approaching September brings a sense of newness.

Things beginning.

Possibilities around the corner.

Yesterday, gathering with the group of wonderful inquirers in the relationships course (Divorce/Break-Up/Separation our topic), I felt the new joy of starting another deep dive in to exploring peace….once again….in primary relationship.

Peace, no matter what happened, what’s happening now, what will happen in the future.

One of my favorite first exercises in the class is called The Good Ex (we haven’t even gotten to this exercise yet–so spoiler alert–if you’re in the course, you’ll get to do this soon).

But everyone and anyone interested in looking at stories about relationships can do this exercise on any troubling situation you’ve ever been in with someone. They don’t have to be an “ex”.

A Good (fill in the blank) Husband. A Good Wife. A Good Partner. A Good Mate. A Good Lover. A Good Friend. A Good Mother. A Good Father, Brother, Grandma, Boss…

What is your definition of a good one of these?

What is a good ex? What is a good partner?

Make a list.

Let’s look at what a good partner is like.

What’s on your list?

A good partner:

  • speaks kindly to me
  • shares their money with me
  • asks how I’m feeling
  • wants to spend time with me and asks me on dates
  • is an attentive lover
  • buys me gifts (that I like)
  • makes me laugh
  • lives a healthy life (and doesn’t die before me)
What else is on your list?

 

What about the list of what a good ex-partner should be like? What should an ex-partner think, feel, say, do?

 

Now….notice how the person you’re thinking of in real life doesn’t match up to this list.

 

Dang.

 

It means the one I’ve got here isn’t doing well. At least, not compared to the list. Rats.

 

Or, perhaps when they aren’t playing the best role possible, doing it the way I hope….

 

….we’re terrified. 

I have the ideal version, and then I have the actual version.

And I’m devastated.

But here’s the brilliant thing about inquiry…

We can question our “ideal version” and find out if it’s really true that we’d be happy if we had what’s on the list.

(No, this doesn’t mean we give up in despair from ever getting anything we like–this isn’t about tossing out all preferences).

So I’m noticing I think I need this particular person to have the same quality (let’s just look at one at a time) as what is on the list.

So let’s say I’m believing this person should speak kindly, attentively, and ask for time with me….and he doesn’t. Ever.

He should speak kindly and spend time with me.

Is it true?

YES. Why the heck am I in a relationship in the first place, even when we aren’t married anymore? Jeez, are you nuts?

But can you absolutely know this is true that this particular person should be that way (see list)?

Sigh. No.

So what happens when you believe that thought?

Terrible images cross my mind, about the future. I’m living a life of sorrow and loneliness and heart-break forever….

….where my former husband never wants to talk about what happened between us, have a heart-to-heart, enjoy a close conversation filled with understanding and kindness.

I feel distance, sadness, pining, grief.

So who would you be without this sad story that he should want to spend time and speak kindly?

Relaxed.

Without my beliefs about what a relationship should look like, I might notice that actually I am the one who wants to spend time. I am the one who didn’t speak kindly, or ask for conversation.

Shoot.

But this work isn’t about hitting yourself or feeling bad about you, instead of the other.

It’s about awareness. Simple.

Turning the thought around:

I should speak kindly and spend time with him. I should speak kindly and spend time with me. He shouldn’t speak kindly or spend time with me.

Can I find examples of all three of these turnarounds, one by one?

If I really want to spend time with him, I could ask him for a meeting, for regular time, for conversation. I could have asked my former husband, for example, for a more honest heart-to-heart when it first crossed my mind–and all the many times it occurred to me again later. I kept thinking things like “Nah, he should make the effort. He doesn’t want to talk with me anyway”.

I should speak kindly and spend time with myself. Wow. No kidding, this is so true. I was very mean and critical to myself in the past, especially when it came to relationships and being honest about what I wanted. I would often have a thread of self-judgment running about myself, with many people. I wouldn’t say “no” or “yes” honestly.

He shouldn’t be that other way (speak kindly, ask for time). Can I find a reason why not? Would it be weird, perhaps? What if he was super needy, and wanted to follow me around everywhere? There can be advantages to being left alone!

Do I really want to have my happiness depend on someone else’s behavior?

In all this, I love finding the balance. It never means swinging over to doing, saying, finding nothing to request, to go mute and have zero preferences.

That’s not what this work is about.

It seems it’s about freedom.

Freedom to be with myself peacefully while I move toward and then away from others. Noticing kind conversations and how fun they are (in my own head, with others). Spending time with others in many intimate wonderful ways.

Trusting the way the world turns, that there’s people coming and going and coming again. Quiet and silence, then talking and sharing, then quiet again.

Who would we be without our stories of the ideal relationship?

We’d be with the one in front of us, and excited for whomever I’ll meet next.

“When someone loves what is, she makes use of anything life happens to bring her way, because she doesn’t con herself anymore. What comes her way is always good. She sees that clearly, even though people may say otherwise. There’s no adversity in her life. And from her experience, others learn the way of it. If someone says ‘I’m leaving you’ she feels the excitement rising inside her, since she can see only the advantages that come from that. What could be a more fulfilling experience than to witness the gift of reality? If someone says ‘I’m joining you’ she can see only the advantages in that. What could be a dearer experience than having you join me? She’s going to die: good. She’s not going to die: good. She’s going to lose her eye sight: good. She’s not going to lose her eyesight: good. She’s crippled; she can walk again: good, good, good. She, like everyone and everything else, is the beautiful, simple flow of reality, which is always kinder and more exciting than our thoughts about it.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself pg. 216

Session #2 of the current online course Divorce Is Hell: Is It True? doesn’t meet until September 1st….so if you decide to join in the next few days, we’ll welcome you with open arms to inquiry on a relationship that’s caused pain or suffering in your life when it changed formats and appeared to “end”. From Sept 1st on, we meet Sundays 11:00 am PT until October 13th.

Room for a few more, so if it calls to you, join us here.
Much love,
Grace

 

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but my family member(s) will drive me crazy when I see them—(time for retreat?)

Only six days until Autumn Retreat in northeast Seattle, Washington up here in the beautiful corner of the US near Canada. Woohoo! Still room for two commuters, and one person could stay onsite (one comfy and gorgeous bedroom is available).

If you want a shorter simple half-day retreat, come over to my cottage Sunday, October 14th 2-6 pm. People drive from Spokane or Portland or Vancouver BC for these little half-day intensives. A sweet way to write one worksheet and “get the job done” as Katie says. Only 2 spots left. Register before if you can.

Who knows what else can shift when we spend the time together, deliberately, meditating in self-inquiry, the four questions, and sharing what distresses us.

There’s something profound about doing this work together, in the company of others, that just isn’t the same as doing it alone.

The last 2018 opportunity for in-person gathering in The Work is at Breitenbush HotSprings Resort, and it’s an amazing deal at $245 tuition before 11/1. You’ll choose lodging and every meal will be included. Cozy, off-the-grid, focused time on your inner life during this sometimes stressful holiday time of year. Call Breitenbush to sign up.

Speaking of holidays coming.

The other day I heard someone in Year of Inquiry mention visiting her parents soon, who lived in another city. Five days in her childhood home.

Her comment about the length of five days?

That it was loooooooong. Likely stressful. Perhaps torturous.

LOL.

It’s not uncommon to anticipate hard moments when it comes to getting together with family, right?

Canadian Thanksgiving just happened last weekend, and some of my Canadian clients had a few words to say about the gatherings held with family.

The holiday season is upon us, even if you don’t celebrate much. There will be decor out there, and invitations. We pack our bags, fly on airplanes, drive many hours, take time off from work, buy gifts, prepare food.

And there those people are. The ones we’re often related to. Being themselves. Just like always.

She’s so critical. He doesn’t try to get to know me. They ignore me. She always has something negative to say. He’s repeats himself. They drink too much. They drink too little. They expect me to cook. He buys too many gifts. She’s too serious. He’s too much of a jokester. They don’t appreciate me.

The same concerns, sometimes ever since childhood, we anticipate happening again. And again. And again.

But what happens if we inquire, instead, and actually take a look at these people using The Work to explore our objections, concerns, fears, anxieties, and upsets?

Is it true they always criticize? Is it true you don’t really belong? Is it true you can’t measure up? Is it true you probably won’t have a good time?

Huh.

No. I can’t be sure without a doubt.

But even if you think you CAN be sure, and those people have been the same for decades so-why-expect-anything-to-change-NOW….

….consider who you are in this moment as you think of family (or whoever–it doesn’t have to be family, it just has to be THOSE people) and you have troubling thoughts about them?

I brace myself.

I think….hmmmm. Maybe I should just stay home. I think about just surviving, or getting through it (not actually enjoying myself). I have an energetic shield up. I’m ready for the incoming barb, or attack, or judgment. I’m defended. I’m sad. I’m worn out. I’m resentful.

So who would you be without your story of these people?

What if you were going to visit them for the very first time, and you had never met them before?

What would it be like to be fascinated with the dynamic, the people, the scene….with no expectations whatsoever?

Who would you be without the thought you know what it’ll be like (and it’s not good)?

Right in this moment while I’m imagining my own family all gathered together and the exercise of seeing them for the very first time with no story….

….I suddenly remembered a lovely inquirer who attended Breitenbush retreat last year telling me she was shocked at the elegance of Breitenbush.

I asked her what she had expected?

She replied she thought it would be two hot tubs in the Oregon forest at the end of a dirt road. She was surprised beyond expectation. Stunned in fact.

Could this also happen with family, if we look at them with no story, using our imaginations to watch, with curiosity, like we were aliens from another planet?

So this inquiry can apply to anything you anticipate in the future. Any journey or gathering. Any traveling plans.

Who would you be if you didn’t have any expectations but were getting an interesting tour of planet earth?

Wow.

I’d be excited. I’d feel full of laughter. I wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want to do, but I’d ask questions. I’d say out loud “what were you thinking when you looked at me that way just now?” or “I’ve noticed that about me, too” or “Hmmm, when you make that comment, I feel worried you don’t like me” or “I have no idea what I’ll be doing next year, do you have a suggestion?”

Ha ha!

It’s so fun to wonder what it would be like as they do their thing, and I’m not stressed about it. What an interesting exercise!

Turning the thoughts all around to every opposite, one-by-one, is the powerful last step.

I turn it around to myself: I am like that to me.

I turn it around to the other: I’m critical of her, I don’t try to get to know him, I ignore them, I always have something negative to say in my head, etc….

I turn it around to the opposite: She’s accepting. He does try to get to know me. They don’t ignore me–they’re including me right now in their own way. She does NOT always have something negative to say. He doesn’t repeat himself. They drink just right, for my own learning and awareness in their presence. They don’t expect me to cook. He buys just the right amount of gifts. She’s serious and it’s wonderful. He’s a jokester and it’s brilliant. They appreciate me.

Could our opposites be just as true, or truer?

You have to find genuine examples you already believe, that you really already know are true.

The reason so many of us do The Work is because to sit with this inquiry allows us to see without our assumptions. We find acceptance of those characters in our lives.

Maybe not just acceptance, but a freedom to be ourselves, and to be happy, no matter who’s around.

Even her. Even him.

“If you think you’re so enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” ~ Ram Dass

If you’d like to get truly transformational support on doing this work of the master, come gather with us in retreat.

Question your stories, change your holiday season.

Much love,
Grace

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The Work of Byron Katie Free First Friday – ending our own suffering

First Friday Inquiry Hour is 7:45 am – 9:15 am Pacific Time.

Join me live right here. Audio only. Use phone or WebCall to connect for free and be heard (should you decide to share). If you prefer to be listen-only then connect using Broadcast.

The options for joining First Friday sometimes don’t appear until 15 minutes before the call. Come at 7:30 to take your virtual seat on the call.

Can’t wait to do The Work with you.

This past week, in the very same format as First Friday,(everyone gathering via teleconference) a profoundly stressful thought appeared from one of our group members in Year of Inquiry.

About mother.

She should have stopped the suffering.

I witnessed precisely this same thought a few weeks ago on retreat, and the same thought in a retreat last year.

I’ve sat individually with others investigating at this thought.

I’ve felt the rage of wanting Someone Else to fix it, and believing I was unable–but they were.

They should stop the suffering!

She should take us to safety. He shouldn’t have let this happen. They shouldn’t have taken such risks.

I remember believing this about my father and mother.

We’re driving in our van on a dirt road through tall yellow grasses. My mother is looking tensely at a map and speaking sharply to my father who is driving and saying “this has to be the right road, there aren’t any other roads!”

The sun is getting low.

I sense we were supposed to be somewhere by now, wherever our destination is for the night. My three sisters and I have been playing word games and looking out the window at the African landscape.

We hear gun shots.

In the distance I see a lone house begin to come into view in the orange light. Someone is standing and waving their arms back and forth above their head in the way that appears to be a universal sign for “Look here! Over here!”

We bump down the dirt road, my dad stops the van, and grown ups are talking to one another while we four kids are still in the car. My parents come back to say we’re not staying here, we still have a ways to go to get to the peanut farm.

Nothing more happened. Nothing terrible occurred.

But there was so much tension in the air, I still remember it quite vividly. The fear, the sharp words, the not knowing what was happening or where we were exactly (a country called Rhodesia).

When we get to the peanut farm, the white family greets us (we are also white) and there are whispers about the dangers, but we’re ushered into comfortable bedrooms with mosquito netting.

I look back and learn of that year we were on the road, and all the insane political events happening very close. I wonder about my parents taking us to dangerous places.

Is it true they should have stopped?

No.

The situation I describe was nothing compared to the other painful situations I’ve explored with brave inquirers looking at the violence in their childhoods.

You might answer “yes” to this question. The one I trusted, the one who was supposed to look after me should have taken me away from that danger.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

This is never about condoning or passively accepting an awful situation, or saying it was good when it was not.

But what a profound question: Is it absolutely true–is the entire story true–is everything I think about this situation actually true?

For me, no.

For the inquirer in our group, even though the answer was initially “yes, it’s true”….

….we kept going.

How do you react when you believe the thought that someone (mother, father, anyone) should have protected you, done something, stopped the suffering?

Who would you be without this belief?

As I’ve heard others answer this question, the compassion that arises for the one who couldn’t protect is astonishing. The compassion and sadness for the whole situation. The heart-break for humanity.

To touch into the power of this kind of love for what we thought was dangerous, frightening, intolerable, someone-else’s-fault….what a gift.

I hope you’ll join me for First Friday in a few hours. Let’s do The Work.

Connect with us here.

No one is guilty of anything other than believing their thoughts. ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace