Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
Room in the half-day retreat Seattle Sunday 6/10 2-6 pm (that’s today). Last half-day in The Work before summer break. Join us here. Or write grace@workwithgrace.com for directions.
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If you want to be a part of a private, secret, free facebook group of people from all over the world who are interested in healing eating battles applying self-inquiry and The Work of Byron Katie (plus body-feeling awareness)….send me an individual email grace@workwithgrace.com or a facebook friend request, and I’ll add you.
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Have you ever run around cleaning everything in your house because someone texted they’ll be knocking on your door in five minutes (someone like your mother, perhaps)?
You have to make it perfect. You have to make it look right. They have to see you as organized, clean, tidy, a good hostess. You have to work. You have to do laundry. You have to clean the bathroom. You have to mow the lawn. You have to weed the garden.
You have to.
If you don’t finish it…if you don’t at least put in a very good effort and get MOST of the job done (see list in head) then you’re a failure.
Is that true?
“Have to” is a push, a demand, a command, an order. And what do we do with someone who is extremely controlling and bossy?
We rebel, or ditch them.
And if WE are the dictator….then you may very well EAT.
Who wouldn’t want to escape from that voice?
Who would you be without that thought you HAVE TO?
Perhaps a normal, mediocre, addiction-free, relaxed person enjoying this moment in life…not trying to get to the moment when everything’s done and clean and the list is checked off.
Instead, just here now. Unfinished. But absolutely fine, just as we are. Ahhh……
I experienced an inner momentary fit, followed by a sense of sadness the other day.
I watched the response clench inside, then release like a puff of smoke rising up and away.
I was listening to a friend share some of her experiences about a topic I’m deeply interested in and have studied for many years, even academically: disordered eating. Eating angst. Eating issues. Eating weirdness. Eating too much. Eating too little. Eating as a spiritual path of healing.
As you probably know by now, the topic of healing addiction and compulsive behavior, especially around food, eating and body image is practically an obsession for me, just like eating once was. (I confess I’m still a bit obsessive perhaps, but obsession to study troubled eating is a thousand times easier than doing troubled eating).
And for me, my eating was a symptom of course of what we talk about here: Stress. Feelings. Unhappiness. Thoughts. Grace (the other kind).
Anyway, I’m talking to this friend, and she’s vulnerably sharing about her experience of feeling not-quite-right with food or weight (yet).
Then she says about an expert in the field….”Well, she’s awake, so I’m listening closely to her and following her work….”
There was more commentary about other “awake” people too. This spiritual teacher is awake. That teacher is not.
Sigh.
The whole who-is-awake and who-is-not awake thing, again.
So what was the trouble for me about this comment?
Because I can’t deny it was trouble. Ugh.
I sat for a moment quietly, long after the conversation was over, to contemplate what felt troubling about this labeling of someone as awake or enlightened.
What’s my objection? What am I afraid of?
What am I thinking and believing here?
First of all, I thought to myself, it automatically means if someone’s awake, that someone else is NOT awake.
The friend who was speaking about awake-ness seems to assume that she herself is not awake. The world is divided into those who are and who are not. Like Sneetches.
But those Not Awake people.
Uh-oh.
I must be one of them. She thinks I am not helpful, or awake enough (or awake at all) to be of assistance, even though, as mentioned, my favorite obsession is self-inquiry and eating peace as a spiritual practice.
(I can hear Popeye’s voice muttering under his breath while making a fist ‘why I oughtta…’).
Is that all this tweak is about? She doesn’t see me as the helpful genius who knows?
Oh man.
People need to think I’m helpful. They need to consult with me on their problems. Especially when it comes to eating.
Suddenly, as I sank into The Work I saw how I’m seen is not only about this eating topic….but in other areas.
I need to be seen as ______ (kind, supportive, smart, funny, awake).
My sister needs to think I’m supportive about divorce.
My friend needs to think I’m insightful about alcohol recovery.
My other friend needs to think I’m on the right path, even if I don’t have the Course in Miracles memorized.
My mother needs to think I’m welcoming.
My other friend needs to think I’m good to hang out with when you have cancer.
My kids need to think I’m the first one to consult if they have a predicament with a friend, or with money, OK with anything.
Crazy.
It’s like the mind has an insisting perspective that I must be seen as “x” in this or that situation (fill in the blank with something good–in this case, “awake”).
Yikes. Kind of embarrassing.
Is it really true that my friend should see me as profoundly helpful and as someone with the answers, or someone “awake”?
No.
Am I sure it’s true that she does NOT see me as helpful?
No.
How do you react when you think this thought that someone needs to see you as helpful, interesting, useful, appealing, attractive, good, enlightened, funny, supportive?
How do you react when you hear that some people are enlightened, and others are not?
I’ve lived many moments in this thought, starting very young. When I’ve believed it, and I’m around other people, I make an effort to behave the most helpful awakened way.
Like Maria in the Sound of Music.
I’m acting. I’m not simply being. I’m not in touch with what naturally arises.
I might even think that what’s arising in me, or in a human who is not “awake” is negative, selfish, boring, serious, or asleep.
I had an insane eating disorder once. Or should I say an insane thinking disorder. I compared myself to images of what was right, perfect and good and tried to be like them, instead of be like myself.
When I believe someone needs to see me as helpful, I take it personally and think I did something “wrong” if they don’t.
So who would you be without this dreadful story of trying so hard to be good, kind, helpful….or even awake? (The new achievement of “there”)?
In the presence of my friend, I’d be actually listening. I might ask her further about what she experiences that feels off. I wouldn’t think her statements or questions or comments about who is or is not awake have to do with me.
Maybe she’s right.
I’d sit with this interesting awake-ness quality so discussed, admired, longed-for, sought-after, wondered about, written about….and feel whatever-it-is present right here, right now.
I’d appreciate the moment, with her comments in it, and my thoughts spinning off for a sec, and noticing the absolute delight of connecting, sharing, being here.
Turning the story around: People do NOT need to think I’m helpful. They do NOT need to consult with me on their problems. (Especially when it comes to eating). My friend does NOT need to see me as “awake”, or relinquish categorizing others as awake or not awake.
Yes. I can find this to be truer. Silence is glorious. The most beautiful feeling is when you find your own answers, not someone else’s answers.
The most brilliant, exciting feeling is when you become aware of how life brings you to conversations with other people, to taking in some kind of sound or words or communication….
…..and then it takes you to conversations with yourself, and then it takes you to no conversation at all, and back again.
The way of it.
Turning the thought around again: I need to think I’m helpful, I need to consult myself on my own problems (especially when it comes to other people connecting with me about theirs). I need to see myself as awake.
This is a most amazing question to ask: Why do I say I am or am not awake, or that other person is or is not awake? How do I know? Where did I get this idea?
Turning the thought around again: I need to think she’s helpful, I need to consult her on my problems or her problems. I need to see her as awake.
“Everyone is enlightened except you.” ~ Byron Katie
LOL. Right!
Isn’t that the best place to be ever? Open like a sponge? Not knowing what’s true? Unconcerned with what happens next? Happy to hear the brilliance of my dear friend?
Everyone having something interesting, fascinating, unique, curious, startling, joyful or hilarious to say…including the one who is dividing the world into awake and not awake. She’s exactly the same as I am. I’m dividing myself into parts, and having objections.
I’m hearing myself–I’m her.
“When one first seeks the truth, one separates oneself from it…..Enlightenment is intimacy with all things.” ~ Dogen
Every word, sound, facial expression, breath, moment, listening, thought, description, story.
Anyone who’s eaten off-balance knows what it feels like to be plagued by obsessive thinking about all things related to food, eating or body image.
We have thoughts like:
I should quit eating “x” completely (fill in the blank with some kind of food you’ve heard people should stop eating, or food you really like)
I’ll go on a diet
I need to weigh “x” by graduation, the wedding, the reunion, the summer
I can’t stop thinking about the yummy “x” food so I need to go get it
those other people look so much better than me
I need to worry about what’s going to happen next
These thoughts chatter away in our minds, and get louder and louder until finally, we DO something–we eat, or we go on the diet, or we engage in the rigorous exercise routine.
Have you noticed how this kind of thinking, obsessing, and frantic energy is all in the head, up in the mind–literally located at the top of your body?
So what if we took a moment to do this very surprising exercise to gain awareness of far more than this compulsive mental activity?
This past weekend’s Eating Peace note had whacky dead ends and non-working links.
(Sometimes the way we feel when it comes to eating, right?)
First of all, you are not crazy if you couldn’t find the facebook group for eating peace. It’s secret and not find-able.
For some of you, there was ALSO trouble accessing the newest version of Eating Peace eBook with a Seven Day peaceful-thinking practice.
To access these gifts, please follow the steps below.
I love your feedback and investigating this powerful journey of finding permanent peace with eating, body image, food….and our experience of life overall no matter what’s ever happened to cause us suffering or pain.
Download the Eating Peace: Seven Thoughts to Question, Seven Days to Practice ebook by heading HERE. You’ll enter your email (you won’t be double-subscribed so don’t worry) and receive it in your Inbox.
Second, if you’d like to join the secret facebook group Eating Peace for conversation and healing in eating (and often sharing that I only do there) then you’ll need to send me a quick email by hitting “reply” to this message. Just say something like “YES! sign me up for the eating peace facebook group”. I’ll send you a personal invitation from the group to join via email.
When I was bulimic or anorexic, I was filled with shame and couldn’t imagine writing or sharing about it anywhere unless I was kept very anonymous to the outside world. If facebook had existed at the time, I would only have joined if it was a secret group like this one, so I hope this serves those of you wanting to explore your relationship with eating.
Sharing and community changed my life. It was a key factor in altering the roots of my eating troubles. Because I know how life-savingly valuable finding community support is, I’m making it available to anyone who wants it, for free.
I hope either the ebook, or the facebook discussion, or both will serve you, if you’re drawn. I hope you may find the peace and end of the battling or compulsion you so deserve and want.
I know it’s possible to dissolve eating wars and no longer live in fear of weird, off-balance eating. If it’s possible for me, it’s possible for you.
We can find the working “links” to peace so eating is no longer a mine field, but a joyful pleasure every day.
Here’s the working link for Peace Talk Podcast in Itunes: Episode 143 on the Hurt of Being Left, Ignored, Rejected.
The tech part of this job isn’t always smooth.
And isn’t that the way of it: sometimes smoothness occurs effortlessly….sometimes it’s bumpy….sometimes tornado-like.
And what if we could relax, even in the midst of tech problems, or “thinking”?
The other night, a sense of sadness seemed to enter the room sometime in the wee hours. I’m often deeply asleep, and like all humans, sometimes awake in the dead of night.
As I lay there, images of someone I care about so much came to mind, who I’ve lost touch with.
A few weeks ago, during spring retreat here in Seattle, I contemplated this person I love–who I’ve heard through the grapevine is suffering immensely–and did The Work.
During retreat I always find the inquiry naturally becomes heightened as we hold silence and stay steady for several days in the questions. The power of the group support is palpable.
At least it sure is for me.
So there I was doing The Work with everyone, listening, hearing my own mind say what it’s saying, answering the questions on this person I had in mind.
And I noticed this idea come in, once again, that it would be soooooo great if this relationship was connected and back and peaceful and light-hearted. So at the end of one of the retreat days, as I wondered about a Living Turnaround (a way to live my inquiry) I sent a short text“I’m thinking about you and want you to know I send love and prayers.” Heart emoji.
It felt unattached, honest, kind. In The Work I had been doing memories rose up of how funny, smart and passionate I found this person in my life for so many years.
Yes, this is good! I expect nothing! Just a little text sharing my heart!
And then a few weeks went by.
No reply. No acknowledgment. No nothing.
Again.
So then the mind starts kicking in “Why is there never a reply or response? What’d I do? Can’t this person tell me straight to my face how I hurt them, if I did? What is going ON? Is it me or something else? Really??”
Concept that has appeared: I need that person’s attention, care, consideration.
What this need looks like is a responding text, an invitation, an email, a call, some kind of communication. It doesn’t look like empty space, being ignored, not interacting. It doesn’t look like nothingness.
This kind of thought is a powerfully painful thought. I notice people have it over and over again. We think jobs, people, experiences, money, lovers, family, friends, neighbors should want to stay very close and NEVER give us the silent treatment.
At least for me, it was enough to be present and awake in the night for a little while, apparently.
Let’s do The Work.
You can consider ANY person in your life, or money (one of my favorites) or a condition you believe needs to move towards you, connect with you, share with you.
You need them to connect with you. It would be so much better.
Is it true?
Yes! Isn’t that what life is all about?! Connection, love, interaction, a dance of back-and-forth.
(Wow, I do have my opinions, don’t I).
Can you absolutely know it’s true this person, thing, experience, place needs to connect with you–or is NOT connected with you already despite the fact that you don’t see them visually in your presence?
No.
I notice I don’t see everyone or everything I love all the time. I notice and hold silence frequently, and how would I know it is not supporting me? Do I really need a “thing” like that person, or something coming towards me, or someone communicating, or something arriving…when it isn’t?
It’s sort of funny, in a way, how intense and gripping the idea is that with some kind of connection with that person or thing or condition, I’ll be better off.
Can I really, really know that’s true?
Absolutely not.
How many inquirers have I done The Work with who were upset about break-ups, divorces, endings or changes where the absence of someone produced immense personal suffering?
It’s a deeply persistent and very painful story.
How do you react when you believe you need that person’s love or attention or communication with you?
I notice when I have this thought I start to think poorly of myself, disconnect with me, think of silence as a negative thing rather than something supporting me. I don’t see the joy and safety of this moment.
When I believe the thought in the middle of the night, I have tons of pictures of that person hating me, or busy Not Caring, or them hating themselves. I have images of my future where I’m on my deathbed and we never ever resolved this “problem” and never reconnected. So sad, sad, sad.
But who would you be without this thought?
Wow, I love this question.
It suddenly reminds me there is no emergency, no complete separation. I’m alive and well, lying in bed. Thinking is happening, yes, but so is simply being. I’m safe, quiet, comfortable, here.
Without the thought, I trust the shifting process of What Is. People come, people go. People are in the same room, people have passed on. Thoughts come, thoughts go. I’m awake, then I’m asleep. All parts of this experience are OK, none of it is really “better” than any other.
Without the thought that I need someone’s love, attention, communication….
….I’m very peaceful and happy I’ve known them at all. I’m resting in bed in a dark room, hearing the beautiful silent hum of night.
Turning the thought around: I do NOT need them to connect with me. I need to connect with myself (especially when I think of this person or thing). I need to connect with them.
How are these turnarounds just as true, or truer? Can I find examples?
Well, first of all, it’s the middle of the night. I actually don’t want a phone call, and I’m not on any devices to receive emails or texts. I’m very comfortable, resting, secure, breathing. All is very well indeed. Silent night, Holy night.
I’m also not disturbed by the circumstances of that person’s life–apparently I’m not required to help at the moment, or support in any way other than being here, open.
I need to connect with myself especially by NOT thinking I did something wrong, making it personal, attacking or berating myself for being someone who can’t be connected with. I need to not see myself as “needing” in this relationship, but instead to notice the brilliance of silence, feeling, and how OK I am right now.
In the midnight inquiry, I need to connect with them without demanding or assuming it’s better if they DO something and reach out. I need to connect with my images of them, and inquire. I need to notice how grateful I am for them whether they’re here or not. I feel this with my dad, who hasn’t had a body in almost 30 years.
I notice communication in a form I request (insist on–LOL) is not required.
“You get what you need, in whatever way you need it.” ~ Byron Katie
If you’d like to join in the power of shared inquiry with others, then come to Breitenbush on June 13th (Weds evening through Sunday lunch and almost full) or the next Seattle Autumn Retreat October 17-21, 2018.
Beautiful spring inquirers in Seattle, finding freedom and rest in inquiry. For more information about Autumn Retreat in Seattle Oct 17-21, 2018, click this photo.
So many of us see ourselves in a mirror, glass, or window reflection and we immediately think “ugly!”
It’s like there’s an exceptionally mean, critical, even bitter voice or perspective within that’s so speedy quick….we don’t even consider questioning it.
It’s simply filled with rejection, immediately.
That voice believes it’s going to motivate you to change RIGHT NOW, with punishment and control.
The mind begins to solve the “problem” it sees of ugliness, and use the words “I have to….”
I have to lose weight, I have to eat differently, I have to go on a diet, I have to push my body, I have to look good, I have to be thin, I have to succeed (etc, etc).
But who would you be without the story, or without believing the thought “I have to….” do anything?
You may WANT to, you may choose to, it may be fun, joyful and an experience full of self-care and kindness, but NOT a “have to”.
It would be patient and kind to notice what you are drawn to and what feels right, here in this moment now, with the image of your body.
A turnaround to this “have to” thought is the statement “I do NOT have to”.
Could this be just as true, or truer, to have a happy life?
If you had a loving, powerful, supportive friend wouldn’t you rather sit with them instead of the nasty, vicious, mean friend who’s sure about what “perfect” should look like (and it’s not you)?
And of course, another important turnaround in The Work for this concept of having to is “my thinking has to”.
I have to lose this weighed thinking, I have to think differently, I have to go on a thinking diet, I have to push my thinking, I have to think good, I have to have thinner thinking, I have to succeed in not believing my thinking.
I notice when I question my thinking of UGLY or REJECT or NO….
….and feel this body from the inside out instead of holding judgment from the outside in….
….I experience gratitude. I feel the nature of this present moment now as BEAUTIFUL, ACCEPTABLE, and YES.
How do you think it’s more likely to take care of yourself, or actually make changes that support yourself physically: with mean have-to dictator thinking, or joyful I-don’t-know open thinking?
There’s nothing so difficult as missing a person, or longing for them (especially if they’ve died or are no longer speaking to you).
The mind will think about all the ways it used to be, when it was “good” or “fun” or “loving”.
This absence is NOT loving, we think.
I’ve written about a friend who enacted a great betrayal once, according to me of course. She never spoke to me again.
This can happen with family members, parents, siblings, children, lovers.
They’re gone, and we’re hurt.
It’s fascinating, however, to study why we feel “hurt” and what exactly IS hurt, and why it occurs to us to feel upset and troubled when the body and presence of that person apparently is not in our vicinity.
Are we feeling useless? Unwanted? Betrayed? Rejected? Guilty? All of the above?
Ahhhh….what a good time for inquiry.
Who would we be without our story of their departure filled with the meaning “I am hurt” (because they’re gone)?
I talked about it in the most recent Peace Talk Episode 143, so join me there to question “they hurt me”.
I’ll also be heading to Facebook Live today to ponder with you the experience of questioning this sometimes profoundly painful story called They Left Me and I’m Hurting.
If you’d like to join me on Facebook live, come on over here at 10:15 am Pacific Time today (May 23) or watch the replay later.
Much love,
Grace
June 3rd East West Books on healing eating issues with self-inquiry 1-4 pm. Also June 10th last half-day retreat of the year Living Inquiries Group 2-6 pm (last one of the year).
Yesterday late morning on the last day of retreat, a beautiful group of inquirers shared hugs, goodbyes, gratitudes, I-love-you’s, phone number exchanges, photos.
The joy of a circle of people gathered for several days to inquire together from morning until night is an experience strangely impossible to explain.
Part of the power of gathering, I thought to myself, is the presence of questions, rather than teachings. Each person is their own guru, their own guide, their own closest companion.
They find their own troubling situations, recalling them vividly, and then hold still long enough to examine them very closely, like looking under a microscope at what they believed to be true in that situation–because of that situation.
To make it simple, we begin our time together with one situation we’ve found difficult. Only one. We don’t need to make it more complicated, as the mind can so brilliantly do.
I see the images from the past 5 days now in my own mind’s eye: mother deeply connected to her son who died last year, sister open to her brother who said “no”, wife who doesn’t feel so harsh about her husband’s habits, man less frightened of environmental destruction or war, woman excited about new possibilities with her sister and mother, woman seeing the benefits of staying with her current partner, or not.
There are no plans. There is no agenda. There is no special format for what is next.
And yet after The Work, we sense there’s something different, something changed, from doing nothing but sitting in inquiry.
I love how this happens.
We’ve allowed ourselves to sit with our most despairing, disappointing, heart-breaking moments….
….and instead of closing off to them, pushing them down or trying to “be positive”….
….we look with the four questions.
And we’ve done it all day for several days in a row with companions doing the very same thing.
Beginning with Question One:
Is it true, what I’m thinking about my mother?
Is it true, this thought about my husband?
is it true, this belief I repeat internally about my sister?
Is it true, this sadness I have about my brother?
Question Two: Can I absolutely know for sure my thought is true about them?
Question Three: How do I react when I think my stressful thought? When I remember that rough thing that happened, or those words they said, or when I picture them being themselves and it brings me such uncertainty and worry, or I anticipate the very worst happening in the future?
How do I react? I’m nervous. I’m fearful. Maybe even panicked. I’m sad. I’m desperate. I’m frantic. I’m trying to find relief. I feel hatred, anger, sadness.
I notice I’m suffering.
Then comes Question Four: WHO or WHAT would it be like if I did NOT have this thought running through my head as I remember this person I feel close to? What if I didn’t think my story was 100% true? Who would I be without this belief?
What if I paused, relaxed, and looked at that poignant memory or relationship without starting to panic, or complain?
What if everything is in order, I am not in charge, and most importantly, me not being in charge is actually the Way of It and a good thing?
LOL.
At the very end in closing yesterday, a thought flashed through my head that I played the “wrong” version of a song for everyone during a meditative exercise. The version I played was more boisterous and not as soft and contemplative.
And then the awareness….next time perhaps I will play the version I find more slow and gentle, and this time it was important to play THIS version.
Because that’s what happened.
I don’t even need to know why or how it happened the way it did. I don’t need to put any meaning on it. Or tell myself I should have remembered the “better” version or that I’m too disorganized.
Even if I have a commentary running like this, I know it’s not true. It’s a chatterbox running in the corner. It’s the mind, doing what it does: offering up ideas, analyzing, seeking improvement, taking command, staying busy (it thinks it needs to).
Last step, after the Four Questions: We turn our thoughts around and look at them again.
The way it went with that person was OK. Even perfect.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
It’s certainly more fun to wonder this.
Perhaps the drinking husband, the school drop-out, the dismissive brother, the critical sister, the judgmental mother, the beautiful son no longer in his body….
….perhaps the way it went had an unimaginable benefit.
Perhaps we shouldn’t toy with it mentally to the extent we want to toy with it. Perhaps there are very good reasons for it going the way it’s gone.
Turning it around again: Could my thinking be off? Could I be the distant one, the addicted one (to my thoughts), the one who died, the one who criticized, the one who judged?
Didn’t I do all these things to others, and to myself?
“You can’t let go of a stressful thought, because you didn’t create it in the first place. A thought just appears. You’re not doing it. You can’t let go of what you have no control over. Once you’ve questioned the thought, you don’t let go of it, it lets go of you.” ~ Byron Katie
Thank you everyone who questions their stressful thinking with me. The adventure is thrilling. The gratitude is deep.
(Last I heard there were three spots left in the Breitenbush Retreat, another opportunity for immersion in The Work June 13-17 in Oregon. If you’d like to soak in inquiry and see what happens, join us).
But even if you never go to a retreat, you can do this work today.
All it takes is sitting down, with pen and paper, a quiet segment of time….and your answers to the four questions.
Much love,
Grace
June 3rd East West Books on healing eating issues with self-inquiry 1-4 pm. Also June 10th last half-day retreat of the year Living Inquiries Group 2-6 pm (last one of the year).
Someone tell me what to eat! I can’t do it all by myself, I screw it up by myself, I freak out by myself.
But are you sure you have no capacity to find natural balance with eating?
One thing I’m very glad of when it comes to food and eating is that I never doubted that there was some natural capacity within myself to eat like a normal human being.
We’re all born that way, in fact. We want to eat when we’re hungry. We want to stop when full. We’re in tune with a flow that makes sense; filling and emptying over and over.
To diet or make a food plan or have a huge list of rules and regulations moves you away from living in the present moment….and into the mind and living in the future. Your focus becomes on what you’ll be eating later, what weight you’ll be in x months, or the craving you’ll need to control today.
Often, this attention on the future is so weighted with what you need to do, eat, or measure that it’s very difficult to remain present with physical sensations, eating, taste, fullness, hunger right here, right now.
In my old relationship with food, my practice was to ignore natural hunger, mistrust fullness, worry about hunger and/or fullness in the future, panic about either one, and be entirely suspicious of food.
When I quit trying to apply management to eating, but allow everything about eating to happen with a Don’t Know mind….
Do you remember (if you were here back then) when I used to write and send a Grace Note every single day, without missing even once?
I think that happened for about five years. (Some of you are saying to yourself, thank goodness for fewer emails–LOL).
Something then shifted.
I love how the flow of activity, reality, the pace, the attention, creativity, focus, results….somehow change.
Did I plan it?
No.
Did I decide the way it would go or should go?
No.
In fact, if left up to my mind, the directive was to keep it up. Keep writing as my meditation, my work shared with you.
NEVER STOP.
That mind will shout internally “You should ______!” or “I have to_____!” or “I’m going to start ______ !” or “I’m going to keep _____!”
There are common lists of what we ought to be doing or what we need to keep doing, even if it doesn’t always serve.
It seems they’re usually related to improvement of some kind, or an effort to become better, or grow, or make sure we don’t lose.
So internally, my voice said “you should be writing every day” but I noticed I wasn’t anymore. My thumb grippers had a little ache from carpel tunnel overworking. I wanted to dedicate more time to an actual book on dissolving compulsion especially around eating using self-inquiry (which appears to be underway, slowly but surely). My heart wanted to fall into more silence and meditation and holding still.
It can be very stressful to want to relax, and yet have a voice screaming in the mind that you should be doing something (in my case writing Grace Notes, daily).
People have “dictator” voices telling them to do all kinds of things that are supposedly good: do this, acquire that, stop x, quit y.
What I notice sometimes, too, is that when a voice like this gets too loud, it backfires. A rebellion strikes. Less is done, not more.
But let’s look at this stressful belief “I should change”.
Think about something you want to accomplish or achieve. It can be as simple as weeding the garden. Losing weight (as you probably know, I went far, far down into this one and love the study of compulsion and freedom). Upgrading something around you. Contributing. Giving. Donating. Building.
There’s something so appealing about being in action, participating, “doing”.
And yet. Ugh.
The pressure of “I should_____.”
Let’s inquire and see what happens when we question the thought “I should” that involves some kind of change.
I should be writing.
Is it true?
YES. What good is sitting alone in your room (remember the line from Cabaret)?
We need to DO.
Right?
This here isn’t good enough. I’m missing success right here. I’m missing love, sharing, clarity, peace, sustainability. All these are accessible if I write! I can’t slow down! I need to write, write, write every day, day, day.
Heh heh.
Who am I with the thought that I need to write? How do I act? What do I feel? What happens?
I stay up until midnight. I don’t take vacations. If I’m actually on a holiday, I’m writing every morning and skipping outings with other people. I’m fretting.
The actual thing that was fun becomes burdensome, and harsh, and weird.
So who am I without this thought; “I should be ______” (in my case writing)?
I am entirely free to notice what I want to actually do in any given moment. I’m free to choose. I’m not living a prison sentence.
I remember this well with food and eating. As soon as I began to limit and restrict and set up conditions for my own eating, I got jittery. I got thin, and nervous, and then freaking out by binge-eating and swinging to extremes. It all became overwhelming and chaotic and off-balance.
I was no longer myself, sitting in the center of my heart, doing then not doing. I notice we’re all awake, then asleep, and everything in between.
Who would I be without conditions on any of it?
Taking a deep, long, wonderful breath and not having any unbreakable rules. Rules unnecessary. Freedom.
I’d be present in this moment, now, without fear about what happens next or what is required for success, or what is required to hold on to.
Turning this thought around: I shouldn’t be writing. I should be NOT writing. I should be nothing. I should be thinking. I should be. Writing should be me-ing.
How could these be just as true, or truer?
Well, the carpel tunnel ache said stop. I love meditating. I love not having conditions on my own existence (right!?), I value sitting and thinking, and being. I know it’s very precious to be quiet and Not Know.
I can see how writing or creating or doing anything in this world are spontaneously born. A thought happens, an idea occurs, someone suggests or invites, an offer is presented.
We respond with a yes, no, or maybe. The next day, the response might change.
I notice I’m not the one “in charge” (it’s almost funny how not in charge I am). Many events and activities and happenings are going on right now, in this very moment.
Life.
If writing is occurring it should be expressing whatever “me” is (or not). I definitely should be nothing. One day, I will be anyhow. If I’m not writing, then I shouldn’t be (what’s the reality of it? Not writing).
There appear to be advantages for doing or being exactly as I am in any given moment. Just like sleeping sometimes happens (which looks very still) then also “doing” happens (which can look very active).
All of it interesting. That’s freedom.
“When you discover–inside yourself, behind everything you’re thinking–the marvelous don’t-know mind, you’re home free. The don’t-know mind is the mind that is totally open to anything life brings you. When you find it, you have found your way.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you’re in Seattle, two events: June 3rd East WestBooks on healing eating issues with self-inquiry 1-4 pm. Also June 10th last half-day retreat of the year Living Inquiries Group 2-6 pm.
