Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Giving Up, Giving In: Questioning Depressive Surrender (Barrier Seven)

This week is the one time per year I offer a thorough, very content-rich, two-hour online retreat called Ten Barriers to Deepening The Work of Byron Katie. There is no fee to join.

If you’re a part of the investigation of Eating Peace at any level, you’ll already know this work is a fundamental base for dissolving our compulsive thinking. This is for you, too.

If you’d love to refine, consider, or perhaps discover why The Work isn’t “working” for you, this is an annual immersion to take a deep look. At the very end I talk about the upcoming new Year of Inquiry program–an entire year of gathering and sharing The Work together. No one needs to be interested in YOI to take the webinar.

This online retreat will really help you if you’re stuck when it comes to The Work.

We’ll meet live tomorrow, Tuesday August 21 at 8:00 am PT or on Thursday August 23 at 4:00 pm PT. Sign up HERE so you get last-minute notified and the link to join automatically in your Inbox. (I won’t announce either event here again).

Today I want to talk about one of the barriers.

Barrier Seven, to be specific.

I call it “GIVING IN, GIVING UP”.

Failure.

Yikes. It’s unfortunately one of my mind’s favorite Go-To barriers to inquiry. I actually got a whiff of it this past weekend.

But first, what does this even really mean….”barrier” to inquiry?

For me, it means all the ways the genius brilliant mind can get tricky, get side-tracked, get serious, get certain that the way it is seeing and perceiving reality….is true.

There is no inquiry present. There is no beginner’s mind when a barrier is alive and running. There is no wonder.

Inquiry, for me, means having an open, flexible mind.

There’s a part of us that wonders, or is curious, or interested in contemplating, debating, looking, examining, investigating, feeling or sensing something new, something added, something different around What Is or anything we perceive.

We all recognize that we don’t know everything. We all basically know we have a limited perspective, and a unique one that comes only from what we’ve individually experienced during our lives.

Which leaves us also knowing we’ve got more to learn, and our minds are ready to take it all in like a sponge.

So in a barrier to inquiry, we feel like the innocence of wonderment and curiosity and humor have vanished into the background….almost as if this way of opening to the world in some stressful moment is not possible.

We’re closed, worried, angry, terrified, or suppressed.

If you’re like me, when inquiry fades into the distance, I’m either hyper-analytic and everything in the mind gets blown out of proportion into the Most Important Thing (Thinking) OR everything in mind gets whacked aside and there’s NO thinking and I’m All Feelings.

Which is where Barrier Seven comes in.

Barrier Seven: Giving Up, Giving In.

In short….Quitting. (Or, threatening to quit, because I notice, I can’t actually completely QUIT–more on that in a minute).

So this past weekend, I had this rebellious, pissy feeling after 3 days of errands, surprise schedule changes, medical concerns of family members, and a growing list of to-do tasks that weren’t getting done.

I felt like Doing Nothing.

In what felt like a “bad” way, not a fun, open-minded light way.

What does the voice within say when I begin to feel this stubborn sense of doing NADA, zilch, nothing?

Let’s quit.

Let’s give up. You win (whomever “you” is–the greater reality, life, the moment). I lost. I give in. Fine.

But it’s not that surrendered, on-my-knees sense of heart-breaking openness that comes from truly and completely being knocked down into a different reality….

….it’s more like a waiting in-between zone. Digging my heals in, like the donkey refusing to get up and walk.

So I knew I was in this barrier when my mind actually said “I’m not doing Year of Inquiry after all” and “this is my last year” and “I’m too old for this” and “I can’t even keep my own calendar straight”.

Yep.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the bathroom that added to my proof that this thing is going down. The hair is rapidly turning grey with all hair coloring having been ditched 3 months ago.

Like a balloon being deflated.

It’s funny that this belief “GIVING UP, GIVING IN” is sad, discouraging, even depressing. But at least you don’t have to work anymore, or “try”.

This is when people with compulsion issues might pause awhile, then say “let’s eat!” or “let’s drink!” or “let’s smoke!” or “let’s buy something!” (As you probably know, my favorite was always eating).

Instead, I lay silently flat on my bed in my quiet, empty house (all activity and people and family miraculously gone).

After awhile I felt the joy of silence.

And deep self-compassion.

Who would you be if you honored the Giving Up Giving In feeling, but didn’t believe it was entirely True?

A very dear friend texted me “it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, check in with how you feel.”

LOL.

Who would you be without the GIVE UP GIVE IN strategy for managing life, in whatever situation you notice you enlist this barrier?

Who would you be without that story?

I’d rest, and wait. I’d remember I feel tired and discouraged only for now, and only because I’m thinking it’s unbearable or impossible or too hard, at the moment.

I’d notice all is well.

Turning the thought around: There is no Giving Up, Giving In. “I” does not quit. I quit my thinking. My thinking quits.

Heart beating, lungs breathing, bed holding me, mind running, earth spinning, deep inhale, quietly nothing required. Life going on. Something continuing, persisting. Nothing required.

“Own all the beautiful parts of you. So many of us we just deny it. Reality is; ‘you’re good, and there’s nothing you can do about it’. And every thought opposing that feels like stress….Those of you who like to get high? Try this.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Is there something dangerous about being thin?

If you’ve spent some time, perhaps years of your life, wanting that other thin body….

….or years of your life wanting this heavy body to go away….

….have you ever considered you might not want the thin body?

Have you ever thought you actually might like, in some inner corner of your being, the body you already have?

What’s so great about thinness? Are you sure it’s all that great? Have you ever heard of “bad” things happening to thin people, or around thin people?

Have you ever believed those thin people are in danger, or need to be extra careful (like not only with their diets, but with relationships of certain kinds, or something else)? Have you ever thought those with the perfect thin body are missing something, or left out?

Have you ever believed heavy people are happier for some specific reasons? Or safer? Or more comfortable in certain ways?

It can be really interesting to discover what you really think that underlies your thoughts and beliefs about body shapes that scare you, alarm you, worry you, disturb you in any way whatsoever.

Who would we be without these interesting stories?

“Without awareness of our unconscious practices, we have little chance of freeing ourselves from the suffering they cause. So, practicing being aware of where attention habitually goes and the suffering it causes and practicing finding the willingness to direct attention to the experience of life we want to be having are powerfully helpfulas we work out our own salvation diligently.” ~ Cheri Huber 

Much love,

Grace

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I don’t have time to do The Work (+ info sessions about Year of Inquiry)

Let’s do The Work! Year of Inquiry starts Sept.

Yesterday, as I have many times before in my life, I had a moment of Whelm.

The word whelm comes from middle English and means to submerge completely.

It’s a wonderfully watery oceanic word, certainly from people who lived on and near the sea.

I was washed with a wave of overwhelm for a moment, when someone who is already registered wrote to ask about lodging for the fall retreat. I suddenly realized it’s only two months away. October 17-21.

Gulp.

I should stop doing what I’m doing today, and focus on details for the retreat. Right?

I’ve shared often on having many things to do. Getting things done. Happiness being sure to happen when x happens or y is complete.

I really should cancel everything I’ve got going today and focus on a, b, c. No vacations. No rest. No free-time.

Stay on track. 

And by the way….no time for The Work itself.

I had two hours scheduled with a good friend who’s a facilitator. There’s no time for The Work, just sitting and mulling over thoughts and seeing if they’re true or not!?!

Who has the time?

What was I thinking??!

Not only is there fall retreat, but there’s Year of Inquiry which starts in (yikes) a month! Orientation Sessions are Sept 4 and Sept 6th.

I really, really, really can’t do The Work right now!

“BOIINNNGGGG!”

(Did you hear the coiled boing spring noise go off? Kinda like Homer Simpson’s “DOH!” or The Gong Show “GONNNNGGG!”)

Because. Is it true The Work is a luxurious exercise? Is it really more important to “work” on my business or putting together schedules and announcements and web page updates?

Am I sure I don’t have the time to pause today, now, and question my thinking about what’s required for a happy day?

Like sleep, I have found quiet contemplation to be necessary for inner peace.

Isn’t this exactly why I created Year of Inquiry in the first place—for people gather together to question their thinking and reflect upon life and inquiry, including me? For doing The Work, and being with others telling the truth, no matter what my objections?

Isn’t the resistance, the thought that there isn’t enough time, one of the concepts I talk about in the Ten Barriers To Deepening The Work webinar (which is next week)?

So yesterday, in the middle of what I could call a huge list of Things To Do….I stopped for two hours and did The Work with another human being. I meditated. 

As I was in that inquiry session, I suddenly remembered a wonderful old priest at the church I grew up in, when I met with him one-to-one as a very young adult filled with questions and some agony about God, religion, spirituality, love, life.

He said he himself always remembered something a kind priest had told him: When you have very little time, pray longer.

In other words, if you pray or meditate five or thirty minutes every morning, and it’s extra special busy this day and you feel stressed….double it. Meditate for an ten minutes, or an hour, instead.

Right in the middle of having a bazillion things to do, I went to my garage and sat quietly, talking to a companion in The Work, questioning just one thought each and sharing in the journey.

Now, I’m so much less concerned after questioning my beliefs about time, accomplishment, quitting, finishing everything, doing “stuff”.

I’m above water.

I’m still noticing the list, and yet trust that what gets finished will, and what doesn’t won’t.

What I see is when I’m believing thoughts about what needs to be accomplished, finished, or ready….when it is not “ready” yet….then I suffer.

When I don’t believe these thoughts, it’s way more fun.

Who would you be without the belief that anything NEEDS to get done today? Who would you be without the belief you’ll be better off if it’s marked “done”? Who would you be without the thought that resting is not an option, or relaxing, in whatever you’re doing today?

Who would I be without the thought I need to offer, format, create, plan anything at all, if it’s not a joy?

Wow.

Turning the thought around: I DO have time for The Work. I have time for contemplation of my own life and my mind, and connecting with others. I have time for realization.

I don’t have time for my thinking a bazillion things “need” to get done. I don’t have time to argue with unfinished plans, or to argue with having a temporary or limited amount of time in a day, or a life.

Fill your bowl to the brim
and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife
and it will blunt.
Chase after money and security
and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people’s approval
and you will be their prisoner.

Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.
~Tao Te Ching #9

As a way of considering our barriers to doing The Work, like “I don’t have enough time” and deepening our practice, which is really what Year of Inquiry is all about, I’m offering my online retreat for free: Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. It’s two whole hours. At the end, I answer questions about Year of Inquiry. To save your seat, sign up HERE.

And as far as I’m concerned…no one needs to do anything. Not even one single one of these programs or offerings. It’s only if you’re drawn, and you love the idea of making and sharing time together to sit quietly and reflect on peace.

All I know is, if today was my last day on planet earth, I’d want most of to be peaceful within, not anxious and racing around worried about the things that aren’t done.

If I had a stressful thought, I’d want to pause and ask “is it really true?”

Much love,

Grace

P.S. All About Year of Inquiry, a short info webinar, will be offered three times. Save this email and click on the date to be taken directly to the session at the time it begins. I’ll give a quick overview of YOI for those interested in signing up, and anyone can ask anything!

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You should really be over this by now–is that actually true?

If you’ve had eating troubles of any kind, then your mind has likely said loudly to yourself:

“Really? You did this again? What’s WRONG with you? You should be OVER this by now!”

Let’s inquire into this thought today, with The Work of Byron Katie.

Is it true you should be over this “problem” by now?

Are you absolutely sure?

What I noticed over the many years I struggled with eating, food, weight….is that I wasn’t over it.

And to this day, there remain concepts to look at that have to do with food, eating, moving. I may not be binge-eating or purging or so extreme with food anymore, but there’s still noticing and awareness and change and interest in peace in every situation.

How do you react when you believe you should be over it, when you aren’t?

Very harsh. I become a Dictator about myself. Or I curl into a ball of sadness and despair.

Desperate, hopeless, angry.

So who would you be without the thought you should be over something that you aren’t over?

And we’re talking about food and eating and weight management and all of that here (although there are many other things people think they should be “over” that they are not actually over).

Without the belief I should be over something I’m not, I feel very curious about the behavior. I have questions. I feel a greater awareness, a willingness to support this person I apparently am.

I inquire. I want to look. I might even ask for help, join with others, find greater support.

I’d look and see what the eating was expressing. What was I afraid of? Worried about? What’s my relationship with reality in the minutes surrounding this eating behavior? What have I not looked at, or what am I missing here that I’ve been afraid to see, or concerned about?

What would make me think overeating, or starving, is the only solution or way to solve my discomfort in this moment?

Who would I be without this story?

Turning my thoughts around: I should NOT be over it, I should be over my thinking. 

What’s the message? “This” energy can’t stop until I face it, look at it, respond to it.

I might even notice that I can say “no” to eating, even if my mind offers this as an option, and cravings have begun. I can be over my “thoughts” in this situation. I don’t have to take action on everything my thoughts tell me.

Including eat.

Could the eating I’m doing and my relationship with food have something to do with my worries about life? They sure did for me. The eating helped me to identify what it was I was thinking and believing about people, what people thought of me, my condition, being small, the dangers of life, the unfairness, anything I might worry about.

I can look at what’s going on in any troubling situation, and inquire.

Thank you, disordered eating, for showing me where my perceptions have not been peaceful about reality.

Much love,

Grace

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This isn’t it. The Work of Byron Katie challenges a very stressful thought.

  • First Friday 8/3 was quite profound. Both the sweetness of the newcomers and people’s questions about doing The Work, plus the inquiry that followed. We’ll return to regular 7:45 am PT next month (and be sticking with that time for awhile). Join First Friday call.
  • Live webinar! Ten Barriers to The Work and How to Dissolve Them. This in-depth online workshop is open to anyone feeling stuck or curious or interested in common bumps in the inquiry road I’ve seen rise up in myself and others that can be questioned. I’ll be offering it twice: Tues, August 21 8:00 am PT and Thurs, August 23 4:00 pm PT. To save your seat, sign up HERE. It’s completely free and I’ll share about Year of Inquiry at the end.

There’s a lot going on this time of year in the Work With Grace cottage.

The days are long and bright, there’s an excitement and energy about gatherings both for The Work, and for connection and celebration in general.

Last night, I had a conversation with someone I met at a big dinner party full of friends and family.

This man had years and years (he told me he was eighty years old with a fabulous chuckle) of experience working with people as a therapist.

We were sharing our joy of understanding the human condition, and what healing feels like or looks like, and he made an interesting comment: Even the most brilliant, genuis thinkers just want connection.

He was commenting about really, really smart people, after he had shared with me some of his experiences with professors and scientists and researchers he had worked with as a therapist.

The thing is, this yearning for connection might come from any one of us (even those of us who are just average in the smart department). People often want to feel like they belong somewhere and are somehow related or connected to their surroundings and others.

Like the feeling of “this is home”.

It feels elusive sometimes. At least is has for me.

The mind is just so good at saying the following kinds of phrases about our condition or place in the world, or wherever we happen to be in the prevailing moment:

  • This is not it
  • I don’t fit in
  • I can’t be comfortable here
  • Love, success, contact, connection is somewhere else, not here
  • I’m not happy in this situation, location, building, life
  • It must be more exciting somewhere else
  • It must be more successful somewhere else
  • It must be more accepting or loving somewhere else
  • This is close, but not hitting the mark
  • Maybe the feeling of “home” for me is in (insert name of town, country, province, region, planet)

Oh my.

How many times did I start thinking; I know. I’ll move. If I just changed up my environment, I’d calm down, feel safe, be OK, have more fun, be successful, be entertained. 

In the Twelve Step programs they sometimes refer to the concept “Geographical Cure”.

I moved something like 28 times before I was 30, and then even after I purchased a home (so privileged to be able to) with my first husband, I couldn’t stop imagining Other Places to move to.

Which we did. After 8 years, we moved. Then after 5, we moved. Then 3, we moved.

Now, I’ve lived in one cute little cottage for 12 years. This is a world record in my life.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with moving, striving to find “home”, trying on different places, hunting, looking, searching and re-searching.

I still sometimes imagine creating an adventure, taking trips, getting into motion, ‘going on an explore’ as Winnie The Pooh says.

But. The low-level sense of being restlessly on the move and hunting for home (not here), however, seems to have fallen away. What a relief.

It’s because of questioning my thinking. Seriously.

So let’s do The Work. Because the other day, I had the thought “this place is too small and crowded”. Followed by laughter, then me filling two bags with clothing and other stuff and taking it all to Goodwill donation center.

Someplace else is home. This isn’t “it”.

Is that true?

Yes. Will you look at this place? When anyone comes over, we’re squeezed. It’s not right because of (fill in the blanks, you can make your list).

Can you absolutely know it’s true that where you are is not home? That it’s not possible to settle in, and rest in this moment?

No.

How do you react when you believe “this isn’t it”?

OMG.

I am engrossed in gathering information about Other Places like a crazy person. If only I had x passport, if only my husband had different work, if only I had x money, if only I was younger/older, if only my kids were x, if only the neighbors were y, if only my roommates were z, if only I could go live in the monastery….

In the past, I’d set to work on Project Go.

So who would you be without the thought “this isn’t it?”

“Enjoy the changing scenery around you. Reality improves when you’re rooted in the timeless within. It improves because you no longer place demands on it that it cannot meet, the demand being ‘you should satisfy me. Things should be the way I want them to be.’ When you don’t place demands anymore on what a place or person or circumstance should give you, you can enjoy them much more. The little birds chirping outside don’t have a problem.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the thought “this isn’t it” I pause, I wait. I wonder. I move more slowly. I don’t have the feeling “RUNNNNNN!!!!” (LOL).

I don’t feel compulsively like an addict imagining the future constantly, with pictures of how it will be. Later.

I look around more closely, with curiosity, at what’s presenting itself in this environment I seem to be surrounded by. These people. These circumstances. This place.

Turning the thought around: This IS it. 

How could that be just as true, or truer?

Look around. Can you find what you appreciate about your situation–whether it’s the environment, the people, the place?

Being here in this moment now, I always notice is rather exciting. There’s no future. There’s no past. Or if there is, they are both flashes of memory or images in the mind, and here is vibrant and alive.

It’s safer, kinder, more colorful than I expected.

I notice what I thought was crowded and small (and loud) is now entirely silent except for the tap tap of my fingers on a keyboard. No one is here, but me. There’s all kinds of space in this living room. All the stuff that was piled here before is gone.

It’s just so fun to notice what’s actually true. And that at one moment, my judgment of a situation passing through changes completely.

How is this situation wonderful for you? How are you supported? What’s working for you, in this situation you thought wasn’t “it”?

Turning it around again: My thinking isn’t it. 

Haha. Enough said.

“The Work wakes us up to reality. When we take it on as a practice, it leaves us as flawless, innocent, a figment of pure imagination. Practicing inquiry takes a Buddha-mind, where everything, without exception, is realized as good. It leads to total freedom.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you’d like regular practice with like-minded friends all interested in questioning our thinking as a way of life, you might love enrolling in Year of Inquiry. Join one of the upcoming webinars (see above) or visit the page here to learn more. People have already started signing up. I can already tell, it will be a very good year.

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Behold your world. The judgments you believe just created it.

Before inquiry today, four upcoming events (the first one completely free):

1) First Friday! Open Inquiry Jam. This month of August we meet Friday, August 3rd at 4:30 pm Pacific Time  Here’s the link: Join First Friday call.

2) Yesterday, I opened up a letter from Breitenbush Hotsprings. It was hard to imagine all the information it contained about winter, as I sat in 90 degree weather in Seattle.

Winter Retreat is December 6-9, 2018 at Breitenbush Hotsprings! (Woot!) I’ll be accompanied again by my skilled husband and partner in offering The Work. We’ll be in the cozy, magical atmosphere in deep Oregon cascades and hot mineral springs of Breitenbush doing The Work right in the middle of holiday season. A gift indeed (and helpful for visits with Family of Origin–FOO). For more information and to get a running start on planning, visit this link here.

3) Year of Inquiry. So exciting to start again in September. A monthly topic, inquiry live on Tuesday AM and Thursday PM every week (except the last week of the month), a private active forum for sharing online, a powerful way way to stay connected and engaged with supportive peers, and your own brilliant self, in The Work.

This year in YOI, we’ll have a group focusing on facilitating The Work, a track for those wanting to refine their facilitation and partnering skills. (No extra fee for anyone in YOI who wants training in facilitation). Those wanting to do this will facilitate in some of our group live inquiry sessions.

Year of Inquiry is almost half the price of The 9 Day School for The Work and YES, we meet for the entire year,including two months of Summer Camp in July and August 2019. YOI begins in September.

4) Fall Retreat. I’m surprised to say people are already enrolled in October 17-21, 2018 Seattle retreat. Anyone in the FULL YOI program automatically has a spot in this retreat (as well as spring 2019). But there’s room set aside for those to attend who are not in YOI. CEUs for mental health practitioners.

**********************

The daily inquiry in Summer Camp has been profound.

Truly. I was honestly kinda thinking before we began, shouldn’t I give myself a break in the summer from The Work and do this whole summer camp thing another time?

I wouldn’t miss this for the world.

It’s the most exciting summer vacation I could ever imagine: the thrill and peace of questioning beliefs that feel bad and aren’t really true.

For example.

Have you ever had dread about an upcoming conversation, event, presentation, meeting…where you’re sharing or doing or leading something and Other People  have eyes and/or ears on you?

You’re in the spotlight! You’re on! (Heart begins to pound).

The other day, an inquirer in Summer Camp brought up a common stressful situation, and something about it was so beautifully and honestly offered…everyone enjoyed listening and doing their own work on this thought.

“My imperfections will be judged by others”. 

What was the situation where this thought appeared in the inquirer’s mind?

Why, right there in Summer Camp on the group calls!

They’ll hear my crazy thoughts, my judgments, my quirks, my childishness, my nervousness (etc, etc). They’ll “see” me and my faults. My imperfections will be blatantly obvious! 

Then, someone else the following day did The Work on dreading a conversation with a manager at work. “He’ll correct me”.

It was a similar anticipation. In that situation, I’ll be analyzed, evaluated, graded. That person will judge me. It won’t be good! 

Oys.

I’ve had this thought so many times in my life. In school, in front of my parents or siblings, at work, on stage, in friendships, in relationships, at parties, in discussions, in social scenes, leading retreats.

Is it true they’ll judge me?

Well….er….yes.

Isn’t that what we all do? It seems, we judge.

But what meaning are we placing on this judgment that appears to be happening? What’s going on?

Because it feels really bad. It feels frightening.

Can I absolutely know my story about judgment is true?

Can I know it will be bad, or already was bad in the past?

Can I know those times when I was judged were horrible times never to be visited again?

Is it really true that I need their approval, or thumbs-up, or high grade, or to be seen as brilliant or perfect or adequate or favorable?

Wow. No.

How do you react when you believe they’ll judge you because of your imperfections, and it’s Not Good?

Scared. Pictures of the past, all the way back to grade school, or scenes from family moments when dad or mom disapproved. Pictures of the future, being alone, alone, alone.

I’m reminded of how afraid I’ve been sometimes of being alone, and how other people have shared with me that they have this same fear.

How do I react?

I’m super quiet. I never raise my hand. I don’t speak up when someone says something I don’t agree with, OR, I speak up with defense. I start feeling the separation between me and them. I’m not connected.

So who would you be without this thought that they’ll judge me….for anything? Without the thought that their judgments would be terrible, if they DO judge me? Without the belief I need anything from them at all?

Holy Moly.

I’d feel all the dread run down the drain and out of my body. I’d remember that nothing is required for happiness MORE than what’s happening right now, in this moment.

I’d know happiness is not based on what people say, think, do, behave like, or feel. About me.

The beautiful inquirer who did this work in Summer Camp with everyone found her heart-beat was normal, her nervousness dissolved, and the whole kit-and-kaboodle of this thought “they’ll judge me for my imperfections” was gone.

We all spent time finding turnarounds.

TurnAround: They will NOT judge me for my imperfections, I’ll judge myself for my imperfections, I’ll judge THEM for their imperfections, (and sometimes I’ll judge them for MY imperfections–LOL).

The story will not be true…about imperfections and judgment. The story has NOT been true so far.

I have survived, I have felt joy, love, connection despite judgment running in minds (my own, others). I’ve felt the full range of being human, and others having judgments, and lived.

I might even actually be able to find the turnaround (I can) that YAHOOOOOOO! My imperfections have been, are right now, and will be judged by others!! 

Because I’m a regular normal mediocre human who’s part of the pack, here at this time temporarily on planet earth, and I’ve been moved this way then that way because of the music of judgment. Including discovering The Work.

Who would I be without my story that judging is bad, or results in permanent separation, or death, or whatever else we’re most terrified of?

“Behold your world! The judgments you believe just created it……No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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The Hunger-Fullness Scale: A Guide to Get You Back to Your Natural Way of Eating

So what is the hunger-fullness scale and why should we use it as a guide or a stepping stone to eating freedom?

Well for one thing, my favorite thing of all about this scale is that it’s really a felt sense within. Not another thing you have to read about and follow by studying a book.

This scale is something that’s felt in the body, with no absolute definition. It’s subjective.

It means you are the one in the driver’s seat…or really, your body is. Your mind and your “plans” are not in charge.

Your physical feeling sense of empty and full is the one in charge. Not your EMOTIONAL FEELINGS, either.

This contact with physical sensation has to include the part of you willing to slow down, check in with your inner sense of satiation, and honor it deeply.

In today’s video I answer a few questions I get about the Hunger-Fullness scale and talk about it a little more.

The Hunger-Fullness Scale can hold all diet plans, ways of eating (vegetarian, vegan, meat-eater, and any kind of format for eating, weight watchers or a diet if that’s where you are right now).

It can accompany any way of eating that eliminates some foods and adds in others. Always, the body and the sense of honoring it’s guidance leads the way.

You don’t have to be there instantly.

Just know about this scale of awareness, and practice.

You may have had your head, or counting, measuring, weighing and other methods of portioning food or following rules lead the way and be in charge for a very long time.

This is about seeing the freedom built into you as a human. This freedom and feeling gives you exactly what you need when it comes to boundaries and guidance with eating, if you’re willing to feel it.

And if you are not willing….you might ask yourself why not? What would override your hunger-fullness boundaries?

Whatever would override this scale is deeply worthy of exploring. It’s difficult to do at first, but oh so possible.

It’s so powerful, that turning towards it to look and understand whatever would override NOT EATING when you aren’t hungry and EATING when you are, can result in immense insight and awareness.

If you follow this hunger-fullness scale, you automatically return to the simplicity of eating when hungry, and stopping when full. No diet or control of any kind is necessary.

And as for inquiry…..this is very, very important. You have to know how to identify what takes you away from the natural process of the hunger-fullness scale within, and then question it.

If you’d like with guidance through the tool called The Work of Byron Katie for this process of inquiry, you might love the Seven Day Course for Dingalings. It’s helping people go through this profound practice one bite-sized amount at a time, for a week. Sign up for it here.

Much love,

Grace

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Who would we be without our thoughts about death?

It’s been the most days in between Grace Notes writing I’ve had since I began them five years ago.

I was working on what felt like one of the most important speeches of my life–so all writing focused on that, every day.

I spoke this past weekend at the memorial services for my first husband and father of my children.

I’m so glad I spent the contemplative time coming back to what I wanted to say at his service, almost daily, for over a week.

It came out good.

It really was the best speech (not that I’ve given a whole lot of them) I’ve ever done in my entire life.

And now, today, it’s been a month since this man died.

Death is an amazing contemplation and inquiry. We don’t know really what happens to consciousness or awareness of a person when they move through death. Often, we’ve been curious our entire lives about it.

We’ve known other people who move into this thing called death, but we’ll only experience it once ourselves, fully, in this lifetime. (And yes, there are a gazillion little deaths along the way in the form of change).

One of the first more profound self-inquiries I ever did using The Work was on my father’s death from cancer, which happened many years earlier in my life.

To sit and write down the concepts about his passing brought up all kinds of emotions and feelings, heartbreaking images, longing, wondering “what if” all over again.

Sometimes just writing the first step, our agonizing thoughts about this very painful situation involving death, feels too much to bear.

It’s worth it. 

Death is the ultimate separation, it seems. Something in my mind defined it as permanent, loss, cut off, absence of love and connection, forever, dread, empty silence, gone-ness.

But can I absolutely know that’s true?

Am I sure about what death is?

No.

Who would I be without my story, my thoughts, my ideas, my fears, my worries, my definitions of death?

If you’ve suffered from the death or loss of someone in your life, doing The Work never means you don’t cry or feel the most massive heart breaking open, or forget about them, or stop missing them….

….but it can mean you stop feeling like a victim of this process called death.

It can mean, like it has unexpectedly for me, that you’re OK with not knowing what death really is, and that you notice all is well and this person who has died has brought you a most immense gift in both their living and their dying.

It can mean the feeling of true, deep love. Even joy.

Who would we be without the thought “they died”?

Full of the most beautiful appreciation for them imaginable, for their image in my mind, for the peace of this moment.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. I’m preparing behind the scenes for a wonderful new Year of Inquiry starting in September. An entire year of practicing The Work in a small group. This year, for those who are interested, there will be even more in-depth practice, sharing and training in facilitation for all those wanting to coach others in The Work. Enrollment begins August 21st: Learn more here.

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Unlearning beliefs like “there is something wrong with me” (+ Eating Peace 101 starts Thursday)

In these summer months of heat in the hemisphere where I live, I’ve heard from many about their urge to cover their bodies, never go to the beach, and hide themselves from the world and all those critical eyes.

The other day, I received a note from an Eating Peacer that she closed her blinds and stayed inside all day because the only cool place outside was the lake, and she was never, ever, ever going to be “caught alive” (she said) wearing a bathing suit in public.

I remembered this kind of shame about the body, and how it actually escalated my eating behaviors and turned them into crazed eating instead of normal teen eating.

My thoughts were constantly filled with stress, as I tried to get a more perfect body. I starved myself, then binge-ate, then starved again, then worked out for hours, then ran five miles, then ate, then vomited….

….and repeated the swinging flip-flop back and forth with enormous pain.

I believed something was desperately wrong with me.

I always aimed to try harder, use more willpower, get it right.

Which, actually, I finally sort of did. Although, I’m not sure “I” did it (I’m pretty sure nothing actually happened because of my plans, honestly). But my failures did lead to giving up, in a good way, and stopping the pursuit of a perfect body.

I just wanted peace.

If you’ve felt the pull to peace, and it’s become the most important jewel in your relationship with food….then peace tends to rise above all plans, controls, or management of eating and your body and dieting.

The upcoming Eating Peace 101 telecourse is a good place to focus more openly and deeply on peace when it comes to eating, to food, to our bodies (no matter what weight) and to our feelings and thoughts.

We’ll be looking at our belief system, our ideas, our screaming internal thoughts and voices, and investigating our moments of following a craving, or overeating food, or pursuing at all costs the perfect body.

Who or what would we be like without our stories?

In today’s Eating Peace video, I talk about one key important belief everyone can question who’s ever had trouble with compulsive or dependent behavior of any kind, not just with food: there’s something wrong with me.

Why do The Work?

Because when we do, we unlearn all the decades, centuries of beliefs about thin, fat, full, hungry, good, bad, need, emptiness, control, power, eating, food, attraction, should, shouldn’t.

You are not your mind. You are not your weight or your appearance. You are not your personality. You are not the food you just ate, or the way you ate it. You are much, much vaster than that. (Thank you, Adyashanti).

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Eating Peace Process, the immersion, will begin again in November 2018 and meet through April 2019. Some will attend a January 4 day retreat in Seattle area (optional). All those in Eating Peace Process will have bi-monthly support from May through October. This is an in-depth program for those who are serious about eating peace, and once you join, you’re “in” for life. Stay tuned or learn more (not taking registrations yet) by visiting HERE.

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Divorce or breaking up goes from sad, bad, sad….to grateful yahoo

It’s been 3 weeks now since I witnessed the final decline and death of my beloved first husband and father to my children.

I’ve seen many images course through my mind. It’s been like a slide show. They are never in linear or time-bound order.

Something is shown to me and remembered from our first meeting. A Labor Day September golden afternoon barbecue party….then our bright unexpectedly sunny wedding day 11/11….or then it will skip to a few years ago when I picked him up from his first PET scan, right before his cancer diagnosis.

I see his peaceful face after he died, the strangeness as his eyes never fluttered open.

Tears well up, mixed churning feelings, sadness, laughter, wondering.

One surprise of this movement in grief has been memories of the divorce process. In the past, it exploded a huge amount of separation, confusion, feeling abandoned.

All my former worksheets were on how he shouldn’t have left me, I was abandoned, I missed out, he was wrong, this shouldn’t be happening, it’s very sad.
I found all these concepts to be false.
And suddenly, I noticed something interesting as I watched the slide show of the completion of our marriage:
I never did The Work on the simple belief “we got divorced”.

We got divorced.

Is that true?

Woah. Yes. Right?

But where’s my proof?

Only in my memory. Only in the mind. Only in my stories of what “divorced” means.

Can I absolutely know it’s true we got divorced?

No. (And you might answer yes, if you have the very same thought–it’s OK). I realize my heart feels love and appreciation for that man that’s never stopped.

What is divorce, anyway?

Yes the relationship changed. Yes we moved into our own houses. Yes I saw less of him. But I have always been connected, even when I didn’t want to be.

How do you react when you believe you got divorced?

Sad, failed, hurt, upset, pining.

Who would you be without the thought “we got divorced”?

I’d feel like all the tons of minutes, hours, days when I have NOT had that thought….and I’ve been living my life with the person or people right in front of me, busy with other things.

I wouldn’t feel like I failed. I wouldn’t feel disappointed or full of “what-if” ideas. I would trust what’s happened and what is.

I would notice all the incredible good that’s come out of the Great Zen Stick, called “divorce” for me, that changed my entire life and woke me up when it comes to relationship.

Turning the thought around: We did not get divorced. I divorced myself. I divorced him. (He didn’t divorce me).

I can find examples of every single one. We remained friends, and always shared holidays and the same neighborhood. In the past, I took the whole thing very personally, even though it wasn’t. And how many times did I criticize and separate from him in my mind during our lives together before he ever even spoke of divorce?

Most important of all is that right in the moment I myself am thinking “we got divorced! (sob)” is the moment it’s happening–and only in my mind. Otherwise, what’s around me is connection; to the floor, the room, the air, the people in my presence.

The divorce happened 11 years ago. I dredged it up as I re-membered my default position from the past–which is that it was all very sad.

Can I turn it around with joy, instead of disappointment? YAHOO! We got divorced! Hooray! Congratulations! Amazing! Wonderful! Success!

Wow.

I can find it.

Because of that thing called “divorce”, I did my own inquiry work in great earnestness, I discovered a career, I became far less dependent, I grew up when it came to relationships–not taking everything so dang personally.

I didn’t just have a husband die of cancer on me.

I notice the joy my children are still able to tap into, even if other moments they are so sad about their dad. I’ve been reminded of the temporariness of my own life and to continue to drop what’s not so important.

Especially my stressful thinking about relationships from the past or into the future, including divorce.

“Inquiry ends suffering by cutting it off at the root. No stressful thought can withstand sincere questioning.” ~ Byron Katie

Are you sad or troubled by a divorce experience? It could be about a relationship, a job, a place….anywhere you believe a division or diversion occurred, where something ended and you didn’t plan or expect  it.

That happened and it’s all sad and terrible.

Is it true?

Who would you be without your story right now?

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Eating Peace 101 begins this upcoming Thursday, July 26th 8-9:30 am PT. In this telecourse, we’ll use The Work of Byron Katie to explore our reasons for eating, and investigate these reasons. For more information about the class, please visit here. We meet every OTHER week until October 4th.

P.P.S. If you had any tech glitches in the new intro course The Work for Dingalings (seven days, one lesson per day) I thank all those who emailed to let me know so I could fix them. Sign up for the course here.