Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
Seeing things in right/wrong, black/white, good/bad, perfect/broken, credible/untrustworthy, real/false, junk/treasure, health/disease….
….yikes. Sigh.
It’s such a grand flip-flop.
A world of duality.
And when it comes to food….what a huge massive list there is of “right” foods and “wrong” foods.
It becomes a religion. Good vs Evil.
And on top of that, we’ll believe if we succumb to eating, over-eating, purging, consuming that off-limits item….
….WE are bad. We are out of control. Without personal power or personal authority.
I find when we have this sense of powerlessness, there’s sometimes so much resentment and feeling like a victim (of our own behaviors and foods) and suffering.
Who would we be without the beliefs that the only way to acquire supportive power and strength is to follow the “right” plan?
What if we stepped away from a religious, dictatorship or authoritarian view of eating, food, or body image?
“Out beyond right and wrong, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” ~ Jalaluddin Rumi
Turning the thought around: there is no wrong/evil/bad food. There is only wrong/evil/bad “thinking” or perspective about some foods.
Can we be peaceful in the presence of any kind of food?
This is the way to true feeling of power; beyond rules, regulation, diet plans, rigidity.
Placing the blame or judgment on food, eating, the body, those other people, even ourselves….leaves us powerless.
Instead, with our eating patterns we can get very curious, non-judgmental, full of wonder, asking questions, intrigued by this off-balance eating behavior and what is going on.
Right now, I’m mid-way through facilitating a six week live video-conference course with Nadine Ferris France (a fabulous facilitator of The Work who lives in Ireland). It’s called Divorce, Separation, Break-Up Is Hell: Is It True?
The curriculum we’re using (and updating as we go) is the very same curriculum I developed with a good friend Charlotte in 2005.
It all happened after our first School for The Work, when Charlotte and I shared our beliefs about divorces we were navigating. We laughed, we cried, we learned. We did The Work with each other. We created a course to gather others in to do it with us.
Yikes, that was an intense time.
Back then in my first year after The School which was also my first year becoming single again, I slept literally about 4 hours a night. I remember doing The Work on sleeping itself. “I need to sleep” (as I was awake at 3:30 am yet again).
Is it true? I guess not. I’m awake.
That was the break-up of the century. Literally, the break-up of a lifetime. I was devastated, panicked, confused, and unbelievably sad.
Not only did this unexpected break-up occur (it felt like it came of nowhere) but I had to get a job and move to a different home. The life changes felt insane for me at the time. They felt like riding a roller coaster gone off the tracks.
This was not in the plan.
When I look back, I can see an intricate series of thoughts about primary love relationships….and rules about them I thought were true (or were supposed to be true)….come crashing apart.
These thoughts went like this:
commitment means forever–for life
divorce or break-up means failure or immorality
my partner gives me security, adventure, happiness
it’s sad when someone leaves
being alone is hard
being together is blissful
being alone means you’ve got love problems
love means never having to say your sorry (I learned that one in sixth grade–it was in a cartoon–which should have given me a clue about whether it was true or not)
you should always love only one person at a time
your partner should love only you, no one else
etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, blah, blah
It’s like there’s a rule book about what’s right, and what’s wrong, in relationships.
The thing is….having the rule book is incredibly stressful.
The minute someone does something that’s NOT expected, planned, “good” or “right” in a relationship, we freak out. The minute someone even suggests doing something that’s frightening, we worry.
At least I sure did.
This month in Year of Inquiry, we’re looking at our beliefs about relationships from the past, present, future. Love gone wrong. Love hoped for. Valentine’s Day is in only ten days. Hopes, dreams, disappointments, loss, wishes.
That relationship should have gone another way.
Can you find a relationship–any relationship? (It’s OK if it’s a friendship or a professional relationship, it will still be useful to inquire). it should have gone differently–Is it true?
Yes!
Can you absolutely know it’s true? Are you 100% sure beyond a shadow of a doubt for all time, that the relationship you have in mind should have gone another way?
No. What’s the reality? It didn’t.
How do you react when you believe that relationship should have gone another way than it did?
Wow. I’ve had this thought many times. I see pictures of the “better” alternative. I regret, I cry, I wish, I beg, I shut down.
I don’t notice how lovely my life is today, right now in this moment. I complain. I tell the story over and over again of how hard, how much it hurt, how bad it was. I tell other people the story. I treat myself like I did it wrong. I suffer.
So who would you be without this painful story that the relationship should have gone differently?
Yowser. It’s a little like a frying pan to the head—bbboooiiinnngggg!!
Without the belief we shouldn’t have broken up? Without the belief he shouldn’t have done that? Without the story it could be so much better?
Just. Wow.
It’s kind of exciting. Thrilling even.
Noticing the adventure of people coming, going, coming, disagreeing, agreeing, pushing, pulling, lying, truth-telling, leaving, returning, leaving forever, even dying. And not having a war with it.
Turning the thought around: It shouldn’t have gone differently. My thinking should have gone differently.
How is it a good thing that it went as it did? What else became possible? What else is still possible now? What became easier for you? What did you learn?
In the divorce from my first marriage, I learned a strength within I never even imagined–a sense of trust and joy about the inner world, and outer world, I didn’t even know could be real. I was astonished.
It was the rug pulled out from under me that woke me up to the safety of being here (and no, I certainly didn’t always feel safe from the inquiry….it was a process and still is).
Yes, it was magnificently hard. Yes, it hurt like the deepest heartbreak I had never ever felt before. Yes, it changed my life entirely for the better.
I started a career. I took care of my own house. I went on the most incredible adventures–literally on airplanes and boats and driving places to meet new people and hear new wisdom and learn how to deeply meditate. I worked harder than I had ever worked before. I dated many people. I made new friends.
I took workshops on qigong, self-employment, money mindset, dance, art, meditation, parenting, addiction, compulsion, grief. I read so many books. I had quiet time. I became a better, less anxious mother.
What happened with relationships taught me about love stories, and how to stop believing what doesn’t really matter.
“What really matters is not your thoughts, not your emotions, not even the outside world….The only thing that really matters is the you that’s in there. The kingdom is within you….When you can pull back behind the experience, what’s left is you. And you are the most beautiful thing that walked the face of the earth.” ~ Michael Singer I’m not saying I feel this way every second of every hour (ha), but it is amazing to think the divorce I went through, the deep questioning of the Love Rule Book, has been a road to discovering what is wonderful and mysterious, even beautiful, about All This.
If you have a sore heart because of loss, disappointment, unhappiness, irritability, fear, worry or pain because of what happened with someone else in the world–that you believe shouldn’t have gone that way–then you’re in for a treat when you do The Work.
If you live in Seattle area, then this coming Sunday February 10th 2-6 pm is half-day retreat in The Work at Goldilocks Cottage (my place in Lake Forest Park). A wonderful time to go through the whole process from start to finish and see what happens. Only $50, a small group. Learn more and sign up here.
…”As long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace
P.S. For a deeper experience: One (and maybe two) spots have come available for a small intimate healing retreat called Sit In The Fire with Roxann Burroughs (Byron Katie’s daughter) March 22-24 in the Seattle area (outside of the city, but not by much). Hit reply to this email and let me know if you’d like to talk or want more information and I’ll send it to you. We start Friday morning and end Sunday 2 pm.
Spring retreat registrations are happening. May 15-19, 2019 Seattle. Sign up here. If you need to stay onsite, please ask about the five rooms available for reservation.
It’s here: First Friday online at 7:45 am Pacific Time. Ninety minutes, dial in and listen or participate. If you want to be heard or to speak any time or ask questions, please connect using WebCall or Phone. If you want to follow along and just listen-in (you can use the chat feature in writing) then use Broadcast.
If the line appears to be full, hang up and re-connect again using Broadcast.
We’ll start at the very beginning (like Maria in the Sound of Music). All you need to do is to bring your stressful experience–you know the one–and we’ll write a JYN, followed by hearing 2-3 people do The Work.
We start at the very beginning: What am I really really thinking–un-evolved, immature, angry, judgmental, irritated, frightened, sad, repetitive?
It’s a very good place to start: I write all these thoughts down, without editing.
When you read, you begin with A-B-C: When you do The Work you begin with, Who did it to me? Who did it to me?
When you sing, you begin with Do-Re-Mi: With The Work the first question just happens to be…is it true?
Doe a deer, a female deer: Is it true, is it really, really true?
Me, a name I call myself, How do I react when I believe? (I run far)
Sew, a needle pulling thread, Who would I be without that thought?
Tea, a drink with jam and bread, And let’s turn the thoughts around!
Well, that was silly.
And oh so fun.
And doing The Work is profound and fun and laughter-inducing and sometimes very heart-breaking. Just like our minds and the ways we think.
“If I can teach you anything, it is to identify the stressful thoughts that you’re believing and to question them, to get still enough so that you can hear your own answers. Stress is the gift that alerts you to your asleepness. Feelings like anger or sadness exist only to alert you to the fact that you’re believing your own stories.” ~ Byron Katie
I’m still joyfully contemplating the conversation I got to have with Byron Katie about eating, guilt, hopelessness, ice cream, and the changes she herself experienced that were so radical.
The great questions when it comes to our eating woes usually sound like “what’s wrong with me?” or “why can’t I just stop this obsessing?”
And there are also many more lists of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” that also plague us. Last weekend, I jumped out of bed on Saturday morning so happy and excited because Saturday mornings I put on a dance with my husband Jon that has become one of the highlights of our week.
We create a huge, eclectic set list 80 minutes long, we rent a dance hall for two hours, we roll in speakers, laptop and sound equipment and hang up fabrics to decorate the space….and we sweat without planning or trying or pushing. Forty to sixty people come every time.
For me, it feels like the thrilling movement like the kind when you’re a child and you spring into the day, leap down the steps, roll down a hill, fly along on your bicycle, or jump for joy.
There is no “should” about exercising. There is no “shouldn’t” about sitting still.
One thing I think that helped me deeply recover at a core level from my eating and body image obsession was to question every rule I ever learned that I had not actually tested out and felt to be true for myself.
One of these rules was most certainly “I should be exercising”.
Ugh.
My belief, especially as an athlete, was that I should be pounding the pavement at all times and all hours. NEVER LAZE AROUND.
It became very serious, and rule that meant if I exercises, I was “good” and if I didn’t I was “bad”.
Who would you be without that dreadful story?
I noticed I began to love moving in my body again, when I didn’t have a “should” about it. I quit the long runs. I quit doing anything that wasn’t pleasant or fantastic. I tried new forms of movement like aikido, and qigong, yoga and freeform dance.
Do you have stressful beliefs that you “should” be exercising or you “can’t stand” exercising?
Much love,Grace
P.S. My monthly open First Friday 7:45 am PT for anyone wanting to take 90 minutes to meditate in The Work (no fee) is TOMORROW. Join ten minutes before we begin (7:35 am) here. If you want to speak and be heard, choose phone or WebCall to connect. Listen-only choose Broadcast.
This morning as I opened my eyes, I thought…it’s just another day, and it’s sweet and fun that on the calendar in our civilization this day is my birthday. I notice, we’re rather joyful about birth.
The beginning of something, the start of something new, the movement that happens after gestation and ponderings and unseen growth.
And there’s nothing like being born out of suffering and into awareness or learning or insight about something….whether it’s small or very big. I’m so glad I bumped into whatever suffering I encountered (and will encounter again) and that somehow it led to wanting out, to wanting freedom.
Every time I do The Work either with myself or in the presence of another inquirer, a little birth happens. Sometimes painless and natural, sometimes….not so much. But it’s worth it, soooooo worth it.
So looking on my calendar, here comes some dedicated time scheduled for The Work with others.
If you’re within driving distance of Seattle: Sunday, Feb 10th 2-6 pm we’ll do a half-day mini retreat here in my living room. (Reserve your spot here.)
It’s been awhile since friends have come together for a little retreat on a Sunday afternoon. I can’t wait.
Because there’s nothing like taking a few hours to sit with a situation and gather together the stressful, unedited, judgey, nasty, desperate, sad thoughts about that thing or person we’re at odds with…..and slow the mind’s reactivity down.
That slowness is one thing I notice happens every single time I do The Work.
Sometimes in the past, I wanted to write with such vigor and intensity about a situation, person or condition that my pen was smashing into the paper and tearing it up.
Very angry.
Very scared.
Sure that what I’m thinking is true–certainly feeling like it is. What I love about The Work, is we get to go there.
That’s step #1 in this birth process out of suffering. Just like so many spiritual teachings or teachers offer us: turn towards the pain, go into the pain.
How? Start by writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
All the rage, fear, anxiety, nerves, sadness, loss, upset, troubled feelings all emanating from that incident, that encounter….we get to see them all, written on paper.
There isn’t any thought to hold it in, or hold back, or start changing your mean thoughts to something kinder right now, or start saying positive affirmations, or criticize yourself because you’re freaking out….
….The invitation is simply to write the thoughts you’re thinking about that person or thing down.
The simplicity is almost so weird, it’s like….that’s it? That’s all? Really?
But I’ve found so much wisdom coming out of the answers to the four questions on these thoughts I wrote down.
The process begins with the dumb, childish, embarrassing thoughts…the ones you prefer not to mention, the ones you don’t want to admit or to share.
The process begins by confessing, sharing, admitting, opening up to your painful thoughts.
That’s it. We turn towards the disruption we feel in our hearts about what’s been difficult in any way in our lives, and name it.
“Our avoidance of pain keeps us locked in a cycle of suffering. The Buddha said that what we take to be solid isn’t really solid. It’s fluid. It’s dynamic energy. And not only do we take our opponents and obstacles to be solid; we also believe ourselves to be solid or permanent. In the West, we add the belief that the self is bad. That night I spent meditating, I discovered that there is no solid, bad me. It’s all just ineffable experience.” ~ Pema Chodron
So today, if you’re noticing you haven’t sat down and started The Work yet on THAT situation (you know the one)….schedule some time to start.
If you seek a longer period of sinking into self-inquiry and investigating more thoroughly….come to a longer retreat.
And today, in honor of the beautiful poet Mary Oliver, I share with you this lovely piece that a friend in The Work sent me today. Happy Birthday to us all.
“Early Morning, My Birthday”
The snails on the pink sleds of their bodies are moving
among the morning glories.
The spider is asleep among the red thumbs
of the raspberries.
What shall I do, what shall I do?
The rain is slow
The little birds are alive in it.
Even the beetles.
The green leaves lap it up.
What shall I do, what shall I do?
The wasp sits on the porch in her paper castle.
The blue heron floats out of the clouds.
The fish leaps, all rainbow and mouth, from the dark water.
This morning the water lilies are no less lovely, I think,
than the lilies of Monet.
And I do not want anymore to be useful, to be docile, to lead
children out of the fields into the text
of civility, to teach them that they are (they are not) better
than the grass.
Mary Oliver, New and Selected Poems, Vol. 1 (1992)
*Spring Mental Cleaning Retreat May 15-19, 2019 Read more and register here. Lodging is already half reserved so if you’d like to stay in the retreat house, be sure to make your request soon (fees for the rooms are on the info page).
*Breitenbush Summer Retreat. This year my co-facilitator guest is the absolutely lovely Tom Compton. Join us at this gorgeous place in Oregon for 4 nights and 5 days. Early bird rate through April 14th but the sooner you book, the more normal lodging choices you have.
*Save the date: east coast Autumn Retreat November 6-10, 2019. This year’s fall retreat on the east coast of the US. We begin Weds evening and end Sunday noon.
With the fever dissolving away into the past (in my last Grace Note blog I did The Work on having the flu last week)….I felt a surge of JOY and energy and returning humor.
I think it’s called appreciation for “normal” health! Hallelulia! I can stand or sit upright for all the hours of daylight! Amazing!
I started updating my calendars, editing web pages, put my deposit on the spring retreat house rental, signed paperwork for the Breitenbush summer retreat (with Tom Compton this year), cruised through 300 unread emails, finished a homework assignment for a class I’m taking.
And, I got the beautiful and profound privilege to interview Katie on her thoughts, her radical experience and what she’s learned about eating, weight, body image and the effects of “disordered thinking” in her life and sharing The Work with others. (The interview is below, enjoy, enjoy).
I felt a huge burst of happiness about this moment today, and all the events on the horizon.
Let spring cleaning begin!
(Well, OK, we have several months until spring….but I’m already a little excited).
One of my favorite experiences in The Work is gathering with other people to share in the deepening that happens as we inquire, slow down, learn, and recognize our own truth through our own answers.
Here are the upcoming in-person events. So many have written to me asking about spring retreat and Breitenbush this year I hope the information answers your questions.
If you come, I will be thrilled to have your company on this brilliant journey of inner awareness and inner peace….that’s just the truth for me.
Deep Divers Half-Day Mini Retreats in Seattle at my cottage: Sunday, Feb 10th 2-6 pm, April 14th 2-6 pm, June 9th 2-6 pm. Reserve one mini retreat here.
Spring Mental Cleaning Retreat May 15-19, 2019 Read more and register here. Lodging is already half reserved so if you’d like to stay in the retreat house, be sure to make your request soon (fees for the rooms are on the info page).
Breitenbush Annual Summer Retreat June 12-16, 2019. As I mentioned, this year my co-facilitator guest is the absolutely lovely Tom Compton. Join us at this gorgeous place in Oregon for 4 nights and 5 days. Early bird rate through April 14th but the sooner you book, the more normal lodging choices you have.
And I don’t know if you’re the type of person who ever thinks this far in advance, but just to keep in mind….Summer Camp for The Mind is July 23-Aug 16 (sliding scale for anyone to join). It’s online and open to everyone and anyone wanting daily meditation in The Work.
Byron Katie talked with me about eating, weight, compulsion and our “thinking” disorders and finding freedom with self-inquiry
Much love and appreciation for each and every one of you, even if I don’t know you personally. Thank you for being here and may you find peace in your thinking.
Awhile since I’ve done The Work on you. In fact, it may be at least a decade since I was this sick with the flu.
Ah, but the physical body sometimes calls out for attention: Ouch! This hurts! Something’s off. Sickness is here.
Something is here that isn’t usually here (germs, microbes, influenza, aches, fever heat, physical pain).
But I can so feel the difference between being stressed about it, and not being stressed about it.
The stressed voice says:
This shouldn’t be here
I have to work, (not lie down)
This is hurrrrttttiiiiing me!
I can’t do what I want
I can’t go see friends
I’m going to miss “x” (some event)
I want my mommy
I’m the one who caused this to happen
Of course, it’s not life-threatening as far as I know.
But in the middle of the night, burning and shivering with fever, my mind had images of the plague in the middle ages, and I reminded myself that people die of the flu every year.
How do you react when you’re against some kind of disease? That it shouldn’t be happening?
It’s almost hard to imagine NOT being against illness. Who wants disease? Jeez!
But I noticed, in the night as I propped myself up onto a second pillow since my congested head hurt so much, that not being against this condition is different than being in favor of it.
I can prefer being well, and also not have a war with the flu.
How do I react when I’m against it?
I feel soooo sorry for myself. I want to cry. Like a little bird voice saying “I can’t…..(list of all the things I was going to be doing that must be cancelled)….
So who would I be without the thought “this is horrible”?
Hmmm.
I can still feel the body aching with fever, still feel the sinuses throbbing, still feel the nausea….and something relaxes anyway. There’s a letting go.
This just is. The way of it. Health, Sickness. Day, Night. Rain, Sunshine. Winter, Summer.
Who knows where it came from or why it’s happening? Not me.
Can I turn it around?
This is OK (let’s not say this is wonderful, that’s going a bit far and isn’t true right now for me–LOL).
Why is this OK that it’s happening…and can I even find benefits for it in my life?
Well, I’m reminded of death, which can be very powerful. I consider this temporary time of the body in the world. I think of how my friend Carl must have felt at the end of his cancer, and how my first husband and friend Tom must have felt before he died of cancer. Bodies overriding the mind’s desire to live longer. A movement into a next life, or whatever happens beyond this one.
It’s OK because I’m resting. I have a soft bed. I have water, tea, fever medicine. I can feel the amazing pulse of fever. Noticing I’m so curious about it–how does that happen? How did something come in to the body anyway, that is now being burned out?
It’s OK because when I cancel plans or appointments with people, everyone is very understanding.
*this should be here, because it is, and it’s OK
*I have to lie down, (not work)–there’s a time and place for resting and lying down every single day–these several days have more of that in them
*This is not hurting me–I’m forgetting about the ache while I type this, and I’m sleeping sometimes
*I can do what I want–what I want is to rest
*I can go see friends–I can see them later, or in my mind, or share via email
*I’m going to miss “x” (some event)–YAY! You can’t be everywhere! Even if I wasn’t sick, I’d miss something.
*I don’t want my mommy–I was lucky enough to talk with my mom on the phone, and I’m mostly hanging out by myself–it’s quiet and peaceful here as the body goes through this thing
*I’m not the one who caused this to happen–I don’t even know how I would have done that if I tried.
“Discovering yourself to be the wide-open space in which pain appears and not the story of someone who is being attacked by pain, that is true healing–the healing of identity.” ~ Jeff Foster
The reality is I don’t favor this pain, high fever, aching throat, swollen glands, congested head and coughing….
….but without my story that it’s “making me” suffer, or that any circumstance is “making me” suffer….
….WOW.
Something’s weirdly exciting about it. I get to find out where this is going. Still alive here in the body, wondering, noticing how I have no choice.
Noticing the liberation in that. I’m not in charge. Ahhhhh.
What will happen next?
Much love,
Grace
P.S. A year ago, I attended a retreat in The Work with Roxann Burroughs, Byron Katie’s daughter. She calls it Sit In The Fire. Each person who attends has the opportunity to fully express their pain (if they choose), rather than trying to bypass or fix it or push it down.
I went because I did this kind of work in my past group therapy years ago, and I was curious. Everyone who chooses gets to sit in the question “How do you react when you believe this thought?”
When I was there, I did The Work on cancer and all the people I’ve “lost” through the disease. I sobbed my eyes out. That was the reality: grief beyond anything I could ever “think”. It was beautiful and heart-breaking and just…real.
I am hosting another retreat with Roxann in March here in the area where I live (somewhere near Seattle, but slightly remote–it will be within an hour of Seatac airport). We have room for only 2 more. We begin Friday morning 3/22 and end Sunday afternoon 3/24. All meals provided as well as lodging in the big house we’ve rented. Please hit reply if you want to attend and send me a note, and I can give you more details.
I just arrived home after my four minute drive from the retreat house I rent when I run a retreat, to my little cottage in Lake Forest Park, Washington.
I noticed an excited question pop into my mind and heart as I drove home. It’s a question that’s been in my awareness before.
What is “waiting”?
This particular retreat I’m facilitating has a focus and invitation on eating peace. We gather for 6 days and 5 nights in total (and we’re not complete yet).
We’ve just had a marvelous and full 12 hour day, and everyone sleeping at the retreat house are tucking themselves in soon, perhaps a few participants soaking in the hot tub with the bright sliver of January moon glowing above.
In session, we do a lot of meditations on eating. I say words out loud, and often questions.
Today, I said out loud a variation on question four specific to our situation.
“If you were an alien from another planet, or an angel, and just landed here on earth in a human body sharing a meal with a whole entire human group sitting around a huge, long oak dining room table….
….what or who would you be without your food or eating stories?
If you had no upsetting, agonizing, condemning stories about eating, food, what’s right, or what’s wrong…and no reference for them?
I know it’s a huge question. The mind answers “I don’t know!”
I also notice I feel the body when I answer this question. I feel the chair I’m seated in, I hear the sounds of birds, the distant hum of a seaplane, the click of fork on plate.
I notice all is very well indeed with this moment. Nothing more required. Nothing magical or fancy, to access peace.
And there is a wonder about this state of being: No Waiting.
I notice the most fascinating thing about slow, mindful eating (which we always do at Eating Peace Retreat):
Stressful thoughts arise.
They go something like this, and I know them because I’ve lived them, and I also hear them when participants share after each meal: it’s going soooooo slow, I can’t stand this, Grace (that would be their version of me) is trying to control me, she must like watching people suffer, this is torture, I can’t take it another minute, I’m so hungry I just want to eat everything as fast as possible, I’ll never be able to do this on my own in my daily life, I just can’t be trusted, eating peacefully is too hard.
We don’t think this only about food and eating.
I’ve noticed the exact same thoughts about anything I believe is slowing down when it first begins to slow down. It’s not the norm. It’s not what I’m used to. There isn’t enough time. This HAS TO get done.
I need to be in a future moment, not this one, when I’m satisfied, and happy, and not upset, and not waiting anymore.
Can’t we do something else?
This moment here is actually quite unbearable. It’s empty, painful, lonely, vacant, boring, slow, stupid. I have other more important things to do. Seriously.
You might be able to imagine having these thoughts while standing in line. Or dreaming of your new job. Or your new lover. Or wanting to become enlightened. LOL.
The process of “waiting”.
Thank goodness for The Work.
Find your moment of “torture”. The moment when you’re waiting.
You can’t stand another minute. You absolutely must hit the escape hatch. The energy is boiling inside.
Is it true “this is torture?”
YES! Oh the agony! So agitating!
Are you absolutely sure? Can you know it’s true?
Um. Well, heh heh. I do notice there’s nothing really happening here except silence, people standing in line, a sense of waiting, some kind of urgency appearing in my torso.
But an emergency? Suffering? Torture? Frustration?
Not absolutely true.
How do you react when you believe you can’t stand holding still, and the world is moving slowly (in your opinion)?
I try to force it to change.
I push forward, imagine jumping the line, I huff and scowl. I tell the people around me my story of what a pain this is.
Or I begin to feel sorry for myself. I guess I just have to put up with this pain in life. So inconvenient, nothing I can do. I’m trapped, stuck and sorry for myself. Inside, I lie on the floor and give up. Kind of.
Who would you be without this thought that you are waiting for something? That something better is going to happen? That you’re going to get somewhere? That this moment will be done soon, thank goodness?
Who would you be without your story of waiting for Some Other Thing or for This To End, right now in this moment?
Perhaps nothing would change at all about this moment. It would still be quiet, there would be a long line, or slow eating, or a room with chairs full of people in it and a “take a number” sign, or one human sitting in a chair meditating, or the doing of errands, cleaning, working, moving….
….but what I notice is there is a beautiful alertness that comes alive, in a joyful way. No future moment. No scarcity here. No waiting for the better (or worse) moment, yet paradoxically still a sweet thrill, a happy anticipation, a love of what surrounds me.
Turning the thought around: There is no need to wait. In my thinking, there’s waiting, and only in my thinking. This is paradise, not torture. I am safe in this moment here.
What do you love or find interesting or fascinating about this moment? What strikes up your curiosity? If this was a fabulous moment offered just for you, where everything in your life had led to this “now”, how could that be true?
I notice I love watching people–absolutely incredible creatures and movements. I love space, quiet, physical feeling, hearing. I notice there is abundance of things everywhere–table, chairs, dishes, window, light, brown wood, sky, trees stretching up, floor.
I notice there is movement, energy, activity, sounds, sights, smells, focus, thoughts. I notice I am OK. Better than OK, I am so curious, safe, comfortable, interested, awake.
Without the belief I have to wait….I love this moment so much.
The ancient Masters were profound and subtle. Their wisdom was unfathomable. There is no way to describe it; all we can describe is their appearance. They were careful as someone crossing an iced-over stream. Alert as a warrior in enemy territory. Courteous as a guest. Fluid as melting ice. Shapable as a block of wood. Receptive as a valley. Clear as a glass of water. Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself? The Master doesn’t seek fulfillment. Not seeking, not expecting, she is present, and can welcome all things. ~ Tao Te Ching #15 Translated by Stephen Mitchell
I’m jumping up and down (well, not literally–but almost) with joyful anticipation of the Eating Peace Retreat starting this very dark and rainy evening in Seattle.
What better time of year than to be in a retreat? It’s cozy and warm inside, and misty, mysterious and cloudy outside. The warm inside beckons. We go inside our hearts and minds. Let it rain!
We get to gather kinda like we did down in the dark Breitenbush woods last month, only we’re in a secluded elegant spot right in the city.
It struck me last night, during the eating peace group immersion call, that feeling connected to oneself in some ways is all this whole entire healing-from-compulsion-or-any-suffering thing is all about; it’s about feeling separated, or feeling connected, and how that moves based on our perspective of What Is.
I’ll explain.
On the inquiry calls that I run, we always do The Work. I have programs that run 7 months or a year: Eating Peace Immersion and Year of Inquiry (and shorter programs too where we’re meeting on video–like the Divorce/Break-Up/Separation is Hell Telecourse that started a few days ago).
People who dial in to the calls check in, share where they’re at, and honestly speak what they notice about their thinking. We tell the truth. We say our painful beliefs out loud.
Whether our thoughts are about eating, our bodies, certain foods….or about other people, our fears, agonies, irritations, disappointments, worries….we share them.
So last night, the stressful thoughts noticed were about losing a friendship, being banished, not being included, feeling separated.
From our clan. From our group. From our family. From a love interest. From a best friend. From mom, from dad, from sibling.
We’re so distressed about this separation, we feel nauseated, numb, terrified. (And maybe we eat….or drink, smoke, spend, grab, work, distract, drug).
Maybe these kinds of thoughts about being separated from love start at a very young age: they kicked me out, they cut me off, they hate me, they don’t want me, they withdrew from me, they dismissed me, they broke up with me, she ditched me, he left me.
Can you find a moment when you believed this to be true?
I remember my best friend Sarah. We were in sixth grade.
Sarah and I both loved gymnastics because Olga Korbut had just won the Gold Medal. Sarah taught me how to do a cartwheel and stretch daily for the eventual splits. We both had crushes on the same boy named Josh. We both wore levis with the leg hems picked out so it they had shaggy edges.
We went home on the bus almost every day–on HER bus instead of mine–after school. We ate raw brownie mix dough and watched TV (both of which weren’t allowed at my house) in her spacious empty living room.
Then I walked home from her house, down north Capitol Hill on the steep sidewalk, along Lake Union where boathouses floated, through the big apartment building parking lot into the tall reeds and wetlands and secret shortcut walking trail, popped out into the Montlake playing field, then up the hill to the busy road and a block to my family’s home.
One day, Sarah seemed irritated with me when we were on the bus. Like she was tired of me, or bored with me, or wanting to do something else, with someone else.
I don’t even remember if there was a specific argument (I don’t think so) but this plunging feeling of my best friend being tired of our time together….felt devastating.
On the eating peace inquiry call, the person doing The Work had a similar story.
Headline: Girl gets ditched by best friend!
A Mean Girl experience.
I didn’t get on Sarah’s bus the next day. She didn’t call me on the phone. She didn’t really speak to me at school the following day, either.
I felt a slight panic, and pushed it down and away. I pretended it didn’t bother me.
But it did.
Several years ago, as an adult, a very dear friend of mine sent a false accusation to the government body overseeing my mental health credential here in Washington, prompting an investigation which was soon dismissed, as the complaint was untrue.
But it was a shocking experience at the time.
I wrote at least five Judge Your Neighbor worksheets on this friend and got help with facilitation. It felt so serious.
How could she betray me like that?
How could Sarah get tired of me?
What does it mean when someone doesn’t want to be in your presence anymore?
Something about the inquirer’s work last night reminded me not only of the profound rift in my adult friendship in the past decade, but also the memory of my dear friend Sarah.
Sarah and I had an encounter where we came down the hall at school in opposite directions, approaching each other when class was in session–both of us going to the bathroom with a hall pass.
We couldn’t avoid each other.
In the bathroom, she smiled, and we connected and my memory is one of us might have even said “I missed you” and the other might have said “I’m sorry”. I’m not sure much was actually said–we were eleven, after all.
Shortly after that, Sarah moved away to White Plains, New York.
Sitting in the inquirer’s childhood work last night I felt the profound awareness of how we betray ourselves, don’t speak up, don’t say “hey, where are you going?” to our partners, our friends, our family members, with a concern that’s open, wondering, curious.
Instead, some of us have curled up like those little pill bugs that tuck into a tight hard roly-poly ball. We’re crushed.
I once did The Work with a lovely woman who was brought to her knees, and to The Work, because of a very close friendship that ended–and she never knew why.
Separation.
Who would we be without this thought?
Who would we be without this dreadful story and all we think it means about our future, and about love?
One way we would be, as I heard from the inquirer last night, is aware of what did not leave.
Which is everything else in the world, almost.
Even that person didn’t fully “leave”–she was still around, and there was still a connection, and unsaid words, and possibility that might have gone a different way if I hadn’t believed so fully in separation.
Even if the person died, they’re in my heart and soul. They’re part of my DNA. They’re part of my life journey.
Without my belief in separation back then, I might have seen I didn’t help myself, I ditched myself, I dismissed my own feelings, I betrayed myself, I ignored me, I didn’t reach out for what I needed.
“Each apparent separateness is a micro-glimpse of the whole, each word spoken, each syllable broken down, each wave of a hand or crossing of the legs, each squeeze of toothpaste onto the bristles of a toothbrush. Each is different, each is necessary. Someone lives, someone dies, someone laughs, someone grieves. For now, that’s the way of it, until it’s not.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 148
Who would I be without my story that I’m separate and alone, even if someone else leaves?
I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t feel like overeating. I wouldn’t want to drink. I wouldn’t want to get away from what I’m feeling….I’d be kind to myself, whoever that is (or whatever).
Turning the thought around: I am connected. Fully, entirely, deeply, profoundly connected to all of reality. Including those friends and family and partners I’ve loved so much. Including the chair I’m sitting in, and my blanket on my bed. Including new friends I meet at retreat, or gatherings of fellow travelers.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
Yes.
Find examples. Spend the whole day finding examples of what you’re connected to. If you want or need a hug, find a human to give yourself one.
Maybe one of the #1 key feelings to address when it comes to addiction, compulsion, reactions to life.
Fear leads to anger. Fear leads to resentment. Fear leads to withdrawing. Fear leads to not trying in any way to get your needs met that might involve getting hurt. Fear leads to guessing.
Fear leads to eating.
It has many forms: terror, nervousness, anxiety, worry, rumination, planning, irritation, controlling, forcing, battling, fighting, aggression, passivity, pushing, criticism, fury, smallness, shyness, hiding….eating.
There’s signage that’s used in so many construction sites where people are operating big bulky dangerous equipment: Safety First.
In this case of compulsive behavior, the big bulky dangerous equipment is our thinking.
A wisdom can come from this little phrase “safety first”, because if you don’t feel safe (enough) you won’t be able to do inquiry or deal with the world without feeling a sense of threat.
Can we look at what has been threatening, and face it head on with The Work of Byron Katie? To do this, a few things help. These may be wonderful to add, so your mind and heart can get a sense of “Safety First” when reviewing and resolving past troubling experiences and beliefs:
*remember that you’ll feel upset or uncomfortable right now, as you remember this uncomfortable situation from the past–it’s OK. The event isn’t happening except in your mind. Good to remember. *using The Work, you can be totally honest first about your stressful, judgmental thinking, and then answer the four questions *get someone to sit with you while you contemplate and question your trauma *be compassionate with yourself for reaching for power, comfort and safety with food–it was a good choice, for the time being (you didn’t know any better, so you made the best choice you could) *there’s something safer than replaying that old fearful experience within at a gut level–facing it, speaking it, sharing it, inquiring.
It’s especially worth facing fear when it means you won’t be eating so compulsively anymore.
You might even notice, when you inquire, do The Work and find your own wisdom….you don’t need the soothing food gives you.
You’re safe now, so no need to eat.
The Work will hold you, or anyone, in peace.
“Strange things can happen when the mind understands and rest silently in itself, but these are no more miraculous than the simple act of breathing or walking or biting into an apple. When the past is over (and it always is), I forget it until someone asks me about it, because there’s nothing to remember. It’s done, it’s gone without a trace, as if it had never existed. What is happening right now? That’s where my focus is.” ~ Byron Katie
Last call for this year’s annual Eating Peace Retreat: a deep and beautiful immersion into questioning stressful thought, including fear, and sharing 5 nights 6 days together in Seattle. To read more, visit here.
