Not long ago I heard from an old flame, a relationship that was extremely brief and burned like newspaper: fast, furious, ashes all over the place, not as much heat as expected, quickly over.
Hearing from people with whom we’ve interacted in the past can bring memories to the surface. Sometimes very unpleasant. Sometimes sweet and kind.
The images surfacing in my own mind were entirely unpleasant! I was surprised by the anger. And reminded and amazed once again at how thoughts create an emotional response instantly…in fact it’s almost simultaneous, the speed-of-thought.
Byron Katie suggests that you know when you’ve resolved a difficult relationship when you remember someone and simply smile with appreciation. No big reaction.
So what was going on in my mind at this re-visitation of the past?
I let every part of me, from my inner five year old to my fifteen year old do the talking, since it felt like I was the full range on the timeline of immaturity around this:
- That relationship was horrible, tangled, twisted and sick
- I hate the way I wanted to rescue that person (who definitely needed rescuing by the way-ha ha)
- My ego is as big as Montana when it comes to how much I wanted to make a difference in that person’s life
- That person could hurt me again, even now! Danger! Beware!
- That human being is unhappy, sick, defiant, self-hating, caught in childhood drama
- I need to “work” on forgiveness (I’m not OK the way I am)
- I don’t ever want to be with anyone even remotely like that person again
- *$^%@!!!
Well. As you can see, the inner turmoil is acute, upsetting, stressful. It is not actually wonderful to think these thoughts…they arise because something in me is afraid, I feel resistance to what is inside of me around this memory.
Hooray. Another relationship that disturbs me. I think learning is in the air….but NO! IT ISN’T ME! IT WAS THAT OTHER PERSON’S FAULT!
Sometimes we just need to have a little tantrum. The important thing about tantrums, if they arise, is noticing them…and not doing anything out of your own integrity when you have them.
You can punch a pillow on your bed first, if you like. Or jump around doing ninja moves, karate kicking and pretending you have super powers. You can also tear a phone book apart with all your might, or smash an old dish on the cement for the sound effect. But then you will need to get some paper and a pen….and write your thoughts down.
Body and Mind together, working. Both your friends.
I work through the steps of inquiry. Who would I be, remembering this relationship, having all those images flash by, remembering and re-feeling the feelings of fear, anger, confusion…if I no longer had the belief that the person in question was evil, sick, wrong, dangerous?
Who would I be without the thought that it was a waste of time, that something was wrong with me, that something was wrong with that other person?
Can I begin to find some examples of turning these big feelings around? Am I safe right now? Am I supported? Have I learned something?
Joan Tollifson, a wonderful teacher and author writes “I find the roots of Hitler-consciousness in my own mind whenever I think I know who is wrong, or who needs to be gotten rid of. And I also find the roots of Christ-consciousness in my own heart, at least occasionally. And I know which one of these two feels like poison, and which one feels like the deepest truth.”~ Awake In The Heartland
Self-inquiry is not about forcing yourself into Christ-consciousness of course, it is about looking deeply at the judgments, fears, pain and fury you experience. Making yourself wrong and trying to get ‘somewhere else’ is just the same energy, more subtle perhaps. Pushing, driving, demanding change.
As I move into my inquiry, I remember how I don’t know anything. I don’t know why all relationships went as they did. Why there was so much trouble and agony or weirdness.
I remember that I am the one creating drama, here in this moment, and I was there in that past dramatic production as well. I am the one who has been critical of myself, sick, angry, fearful.
“If there is anything-any person, any behavior any circumstance, any situation, any place, anything that you do not see as God, that’s where the work is.”~ Byron Katie
No, you don’t have to talk, live, contact, write, or in any way communicate with that person who triggered this thing in you. In fact, often, it’s wise not to, it is being kind to you.
But I hope you give yourself the gift of remembering that troubled relationship with some acceptance and peace, the gift of using the uncomfortable feelings to open your mind and heart. If I can do it, so can you.
Love, Grace