We’re not changing, until YOU do.

Time to bask in the warming sun of self-inquiry? Tis the season of spring mental cleaning and summer change….with several in-person opportunities for reflection, unraveling stressful thinking in a clear step-by-step way (The Work of course) and living your turnarounds. Question your thinking, change your world.

• Spring Cleaning Retreat Kenmore, WA (a few spots left, 26 CEUs for mental health professionals) May 11-14

• Breitenbush Hotsprings Oregon (26 CEUs) An entirely off-line immersion (no cell phone, no internet) in pristine old-growth forest, fabulous organic vegetarian food, optional soaks in natural springs outside of retreat sessions. June 21-25

Almost jumping up and down actually.

There is simply nothing like catching that stressful, repetitive, honking thought, like a noise that won’t stop beeping, and looking at it with very open eyes. And listen to others doing the same, getting the support of the wisdom of the group.

One thought at a time.

The Work allows this to happen so beautifully. Rather than feel bad and start thinking and “brain-storming” (perfect word) about how to solve the problem in our lives, we get to actually wonder how we got the idea we have a genuine, or serious, problem?

The first step is identifying the problem.

It’s not so hard.

What are you thinking about the future, or the past, that’s troubling?

Oh My! But there are SO MANY PROBLEMS!

Where could I even begin? I mean….there’s my friend who betrayed me, my fierce boss, my boring job, my poor career choice, money being less than perfect, my relationship not going smoothly, my health, global warming, too much traffic, my parents’ personalities, my grandparents unhappiness, aging, kids, what’s in the news, the broken fridge, and by the way I haven’t become enlightened yet.

And this is just the beginning. I could go on. (LOL).
But entering only one situation, and sitting with it slowly, one thought at a time, is so magnificent. Can it really be that simple and easy? And narrowed down to only one?

Yes.

A few months ago I wrote a worksheet on an old relationship that when I thought about it, still felt sour and unfinished. It was sparked by running into the person serendipitously at a coffee shop.

(Brilliant universe, thanks for the awareness reminder)!

I’ve been looking at the thoughts, one thought at a time, and allowing them to percolate and dance and sink in very slowly. One thought for an entire week sometimes, noticing the belief trying to find a foothold.

I love going very slowly. Not letting a concept slip through the cracks unquestioned (unless it does, and then, knowing it will reappear when necessary).

The next thought on my worksheet: he should stop wanting more from me.

This doesn’t have to be in a romance or any kind of dating relationship, this could be a boss, a parent, anyone who asks more of you….ever. And you felt oppositional to the request or the feel of it.

WAIT! You might shout. If I don’t think this thought, I’ll HAVE TO put up with MORE from that person, right? I’ll have to say yes, do the job, accept the task.

But no, you can’t fast-forward to where this might be going, later. You have no idea, even with only 4 questions and finding turnarounds. This never means you will have to put up with anything, or do something you don’t like, or compromise, or escape, or Not Be Yourself in a natural way.

In fact, you’ll be more naturally you, after inquiry.

So let’s look together at this one I mentioned today. Find a moment in your life where someone, anyone, anything (it could even be a pet) asked more from you, and you had the thought they shouldn’t.

Picture the situation.

For me, I’m reading an email.

Is it true, they shouldn’t want more from you?

Yes! This is never-ending. What I give NEVER seems to be enough. They take, and they take, and they take and never give up and it’s always grab, grab, grab, ask, ask, ask for more. Arrrgh.

(Little dramatization for you).

The question is, however, can you be sure this thought is true that someone, anyone, anything, shouldn’t ask for so much?

Can you absolutely know what that person should or shouldn’t want? Are you in charge of their level of wanting over there? Who’s running the show here? YOU?

LOL.

Um, yeah. I can’t even for the tiniest bit that someone else, or something else, or anyone in this world should stop wanting more from me.

How do you react when you think he shouldn’t want more from you? She shouldn’t want more from you?

Angry! Quit being such a pest! Stop begging! Stop pushing me! I act like a dictator in my own mind about what needs to happen here! I attack that person in my mind, I give them advice without even saying it out loud. I say “this is one needy soul” and I cut them off. I look for a new job. I don’t answer their emails. I un-friend them.

I call them an addict. I’m disgusted. I feel very separate. And I sort of secretly feel guilty and unhappy within.

So who would you be without the belief they should stop wanting what they want?

There they are, being themselves, being honest. Without me thinking they should be in any way different. Without me running for the hills to hide in a cave out of sight.

What’s that like? How does it feel?

This is something to contemplate. I like wondering what it’s like to be without my stressful thoughts all day long, for several days in a row.

What would it be like without the thought that x person (or all those people) shouldn’t want what they want, as I drive my car, as I write, as I go to the gym, as I do yoga, as I take a walk, as I shop for food, as I put my clothes in the washing machine?

And how about now? Or how about in that situation where they’re asking you for something big, or attention, or love, or to get a job done, or for your time, or your answer? What if they persist and you really felt what it’s like without being opposed to their wants and desires?

I once spoke with a mom whose kid was 40 and wouldn’t move out.

She discovered that it would be really nice and easy (she thought) if he had a revelation and suddenly wanted to move into his own place and get a good job….

….but without her beliefs about what he should want, she noticed what SHE wanted.

Him. Out.

Who would you be without your beliefs about others?

I might notice I also love time with myself, so I understand them…AND, I like making arrangements to get alone time!

Turning the thought around: he should want more from me. I shouldn’t want more from him. I shouldn’t want more from myself.

Wow, these are all just as true or truer.

He SHOULD want more from me because: a) I’m awesome, b) he’s very talkative and adores connecting with people and sharing with others and, c) he’s not expecting me to be a passive, quiet, dishonest person who’s not be straight up with him. He wants more, which is honesty (i.e. “I don’t want to hang out”).

I shouldn’t want more from him. Yes, I’ve expected him to get a grip and realize without me saying anything that he should stop being so grabby. He should read my mind. I’m expecting a lot. And I shouldn’t.

I shouldn’t want more from myself. Well, I’ve really expected myself to be the nicest person in the world and say yes, yes, yes constantly so I don’t disappoint people….so who’s the one with high and false expectations of me? I am!

Maybe that person who’s asking a lot of you in your life is there for a very good reason. So you’ll say “no”. Or so you’ll show up even bigger and more powerful than you already do. Or so you’ll learn to be exceptionally and squeaky clean clear.

I don’t know why they’re there for you, but one thing I do know, there’s some kind of benefit.

How could it be otherwise?

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie