Uh oh.
Have you ever had someone get mad at you for doing something you needed to do? Something you knew was the right thing for your own life?
People experience someone becoming furious, mean, degrading, maybe even sarcastic or calling names in many situations. When breaking up with a romantic or business partner, quitting a job, laying someone off, telling a friend they’re unavailable, rescheduling an extremely important event….
….or even when very serious medical concerns make it so you have to cancel or change your plans.
You say “no”, maybe after weighing out the decision very deliberately, talking about it with others, feeling into what the best thing is to do, with the greatest integrity.
But the other person is totally offended. You’ve hurt them. You’ve shocked them. You’ve scared them.
This other person is incredibly disappointed. Even devastated.
And then….they get nasty.
I remember once a very dear friend saying to me in a conversation about romantic love; “you really learn deeply about someone when you break up with them and you see how they act, what they say, how they conduct themselves.”
Several years ago someone very close to me got offended with someone else in our small tight circle. There were five people in total involved.
The offended one wrote to the whole group, asking for support, via email.
There were a few questions from some of us, including me, all popping up on the email thread.
Wait…what happened? What is it you want? But, shouldn’t you be worried about “x” instead of her? I don’t understand what’s going on. Why aren’t you getting along? Why are you in this situation? What’s happening? Can we all meet to sort this thing out, because this is confusing, and it sounds hard!
There were some back and forth, even more confusing emails or texts. Some opinions shared. The desire for understanding.
But then the clincher.
A very sarcastic, cutting, deeply bitter text from the offended one to the whole group. Violent in wording. Accusing everyone of being separate, distant, uncaring and pointless. And that she’s no longer speaking to any of us. None of us understand her.
When I read it, I felt the pain of heartbreak. The way humans become resentful, seeing their plight as a personal attack. Making War.
We all know this story when it comes to couples.
I’ll never forget the shocking surprise I myself felt at being broken up with long ago by my partner at the time.
It was like a ball of fire in my gut. So outraged. Betrayed.
Thank God I had The Work, because I knew, deep stress = the sign to inquire, the sign I am believing something exceptionally stressful and frightening that is NOT really true for me.
I knew in my right mind, if someone wanted to break up, disengage, move on or change up the routine….
….if someone needed to quit, to stop, to try something new, to cancel….
….that it was possible I might trust the movement instead of taking it personally. I mostly didn’t want to react with such fear and panic, and violence even in my head, no matter what the reasons were.
And I was pretty dang violent in my head, when that guy broke up with me, that’s for sure.
“How DARE you break up with me! You owe me! After all I’ve done for you!”
Or the counter-position (and both usually are running at the very same time) “I am worthy of being left, I am unloveable, I am the one who is abandon-able. He doesn’t care about me.”
Ow.
When you’re speaking up, and you know someone could be disappointed on the other side of your request and concern, it takes a lot of courage to say it, if you’re worried about disappointing people.
“They shouldn’t be so disappointed. They should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me.”
Is it true?
Yes.
People should remain connected with each other! They should be kind. They should be loving and trusting. People should be dedicated to freedom, and to seeing life as it goes the way it does–sometimes change is called for. People should be at least civil, and behave like adults.
Um. Oh yes, where was I. Answering the question “is it true?”
Yes, it’s TRUE that she shouldn’t blame me or hate me or be angry with me.
Can you absolutely know it’s true, they should’t be disappointed? They shouldn’t be calling you names, even if they are? They shouldn’t be so angry or upset?
Deep breath.
Yikes.
The name calling is the worst, I notice. They really shouldn’t attack me. It’s not my fault.
Absolutely true?
No.
They are attacking something. They ARE angry. That’s the reality. I can’t absolutely know it’s true they shouldn’t behave, speak, write exactly as they are. If I’m the target, so be it.
How do I react when I think someone is mean, furious, disappointed, hateful?
I feel sick. I shouldn’t do what I’m doing. I question myself. I question my motives or actions. It doesn’t matter if I’m lying in a hospital or someone else is, I begin to question my own integrity: “Are you sure you’re sick enough to stay in bed? Come on….your feelings are not important. Other people are more important, like this enraged person who’s mad at you. You are causing someone to suffer. Your decisions are bad. Your work is ridiculous. You shouldn’t even bother. Too risky. You can disappoint people. You need to fix this. It’s your fault.”
I mull over the conversations. When did it go wrong? Could I have known sooner, and intervened? Where did I make a mistake?
Incredibly stressful. And no peace in sight. No compassion or love inside of me, for anything about this situation. Just dread. Sadness.
So…..who would you be without the story that someone shouldn’t be mean, furious, bitter, disappointed or call you names? Who would you be without the story someone hates you, and they shouldn’t?
Are you saying.
It’s OK if someone hates me?
What??!!
Woah.
But.
This question is only “who would you be without the thoughtsomeone does?” They have their response, it looks like they are unhappy–no denying it, maybe they even yelled at you–and you do not have the thought they shouldn’t feel what they’re feeling. Including anger or upset or hatred with you.
Wow. Without the thought, there they are upset with me, and no belief they shouldn’t be?
Can you find it?
It took me a minute.
I had to wade through all those screaming thoughts about never wanting to upset or disappoint anyone in this world, and trying to be a loving person who is not threatened. I had to feel the deep desire to be a good, nice, kind person, a loving person, a GREAT person even, who doesn’t hurt other people….and the awareness that my movements have caused pain.
But dropping, dropping, dropping all of those ideas and sitting in the presence of someone who is furious, and reading angry degrading words directed towards me….
….who would I be without the belief this shouldn’t be going this way?
….I remember feeling that way myself, when I felt abandoned, betrayed, lost, and terrified.
I wanted to lash out.
I went silent. I felt crushed.
Turning the belief around “they hate me, are completely disappointed with me”…..
….I hate myself, am disappointed with myself. Yes, when I start piling on all the ways I should never, ever disturb anyone, like it’s possible not to, like it’s my job to keep everyone happy (whew, overkill on the responsibility department).
I hate myself when I push away my own desires and preferences, or ignore my own integrity just to please someone else. I hate myself when I say “yes” to make someone happy, but I feel the “no”. I hate myself when I don’t tell the truth, no matter how disappointed someone might be.
What’s another turnaround?
That angry person doesn’t hate me. They aren’t disappointed. Maybe they even love me.
Well….yes. They really wanted my companionship. They wanted me to share the dream they held of being a couple, or being in business together, or supporting them. They didn’t expect me to say “no”.
Maybe they had a lot riding on this, and I didn’t even realize it. They were hopeful, they were counting on assistance, they were in need.
Back to the little group of five I mentioned: the enraged person should have been that angry, she should hate me/us, she shouldhave behaved and said it just like the way she did with sarcasm, condemnation, bitterness.
Hmmm. It seems like it could have been said differently, with more grace and kindness. It seems like love and peace should look like people speaking thoughtful mature words.
But this is finding examples of how it was perfect, the way it went.
OK. I’m willing to do this work, because I want to be free. For one thing, I see she was honest. She spewed. She got super sarcastic. All communication stopped, so it was no longer confusing, it was over.
Maybe she wasn’t supposed to be part of the group for awhile….maybe this gave her a kind of permission to be as she truly is, and the rest of us some other kind of freedom? I notice some benefits.
Ahhh, the turnaround “I hate her”. I shouldn’t be so disappointed. I should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me
Byron Katie has a powerful saying, like many of her repeated awareness concepts.
“You’ve been spared”.
This doesn’t mean time to rip the other person to shreds. It just means noticing with great clarity that they hate you, and they’re distancing themselves. It’s not so bad to have someone who’s so angry want nothing to do with you.
Plus, she’s right.
I AM judgmental, have high expectations, protective, a flake, unreliable, confused, unaware, stupid, mistake-maker, doing what works for me without concern for others, not listening well, inconsistent, ditching the needs of others.
As a human being, I am here living a life.
I am at times a burden. I require food, water and other necessities, it appears. My presence and choices affect the lives of others. I am not always able to help everyone. I will leave people, disappoint people, not do a good job, screw up.
Could there be a benefit? Could it be a good thing? Is there a brilliant reason why Person #5 cut off and ditched the entire group and said ‘you are not people I want to connect with!’ and ‘I hate you!’ (which I notice now, was never said….I just assumed and felt it).
Well, I get to find out now. Without any story.
Exciting.
Who am I without this belief that no one ever should be upset with me (or hate me)?
Happy.
“Challenges force you to become more present. Through being challenged beyond its comfort zone, the body gets stronger. Through other people, we get stronger. I learned to regard these humans as blessings….These relationships are spiritual practices….If nothing goes wrong, there is no movie. The character doesn’t develop. It’s a bad movie. In a good movie, as the character faces his or her problems, he or she grows, changes, develops abilities he or she didn’t have before. In very good movies, there’s some kind of spiritual realization. But only…..because something went wrong!” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Much love,
Grace