First Friday open call for everyone is this Friday December 1st at 7:45 – 9:15 am Pacific time. Join HERE.
Wow, people are flying in and making AirBnB reservations nearby, or staying with friends, or commuting to Seattle December 8-10. Because of time of year, last-minute prep and the lower expense of having it right in my own cottage, the fee is only $195 for Friday 9:30 am through Sunday noon.
If you’d really like to come Friday all-day only, you’re welcome for $95. If you’re experienced in The Work and want to come Saturday afternoon only 12/9 from 2:00-6:00 let me know, there may be room to make this work. To join us in what will surely be an inner adventure, sign up HERE for all 3 days. Hit reply if you have any question or see a different arrangement working for you.
I can’t wait. I love what’s possible when you allow new ideas to pop in and unfold–which is this retreat itself. I love someone’s coming from California, and another from the east coast. What a time to do The Work, in this wet, dark, rainy atmosphere when sometimes Other People and The World can be daunting.
For example.
I saw an old familiar sort of post the other day on facebook, with a deeply troubled objection to The Work. Or perhaps the objection was to the world, to life, to what is seen by the mind.
I totally get what Byron Katie is telling us … “it hurts when I argue with reality” … but sometimes it is so hard to even imagine not arguing with the horrors that are happening all around us and the immeasurable suffering involved. Much of the time it feels so cynical. (FACEBOOK post)
Someone else then chimed in that she thinks of sex trafficking, abduction, drug use, slavery…and how could anyone ever say to victimized children that they should love what is?
My heart sunk in the sadness of the approach, and the misunderstanding. I hope no one ever says to someone suffering deeply “you should love what is”.
Actually, someone doing their own inquiry work, I can’t imagine being able to say it. It would be so opposite of compassion, unconditional care, or doing The Work–which is an Inside Job.
And ONLY an inside job.
But I could feel the despair in what these people wrote.
It’s a profound wondering to look out into the world, that appears to be filled with destruction, environmental change (I just learned since 1970 the world’s wild animal population has been cut in half), mass shootings, war, violence, starvation, pollution, poverty, anger, suffering, unkindness….
….and hold what we see up against the powerful phrase “loving what is.”
Are you telling me to love THAT?!
Fortunately, what I’ve found is no one is ever telling me anything.
All The Work is….is four questions.
I have to be the one doing the actual work of inquiry. I get to find out if I love what is, or don’t love it, and the true deepest meaning of “love” and how to sit with reality even when it breaks my heart.
I get to see that there is no division of the world cut into evil and good, love and hate, life and death, terrible and wonderful.
Everything is all mixed up together….all the time.
When I do The Work one thought at a time, slowed down, considering and contemplating each individual situation I’ve noticed I’m arguing with, is the outcome isn’t my old definition of “love”.
I’m opened, in a new way, to what is. My heart is broken open sometimes. It’s not exactly soft, friendly.
Once I thought I heard Byron Katie say “I’m asking you to go into hell. This is not easy.” Although I’m not sure of the quote.
And yet it’s my experience. The Work isn’t for sissies. We’re going to hell. On purpose. (Or because if you’re like me, you’ve tried absolutely everything else and you have no other choice really).
Questioning the destruction or brutal nature of incidents, of things that frighten me like disease and death, fighting and violence….
….this process called The Work does not lead to passivity.
It doesn’t lead to me knowing what anyone else should do or not do. It does not lead to me needing something from other people in order to be happy, or living alone in a bubble.
It doesn’t lead me to pure detachment, or thinking no one or nothing else matters in an apathetic kind of way, or a resigned way. I find apathy and resignation to feel stressful, and therefore worthy of inquiry of course.
But let’s see. Hmmm.
The only way I know to work with a stressful thought?
The Work.
The people on facebook and all those who think doing The Work means standing and looking at other peoples’ suffering without action, without caring or attention….
….they should understand they’re mistaken.
They shouldn’t think The Work is spiritual self-centeredness. They should see it brings out greater action, passion, fearless movement, transformation. They should understand.
Is it true?
No. What’s the reality?
They see lots of pain in the world, and they don’t see how looking at the pain differently would change it. They want to see empowered action, movement, healing, kindness. I do too.
How do I react when I believe those people shouldn’t judge The Work as condoning violence, or abuse of children, or that it preaches to people to love what is?
Frustrated. Irritated. Sad. Wanting to set them straight and explain to them what’s really true.
Who would I be without the thought?
Starting to compose a rare facebook post to try to explain or respond….and deleting it. Understanding their suffering and pain.
Doing my own work, instead. Signing up to attend a meeting to get involved in climate change work, this very week. Just did it.
Working with myself and others on their experiences of abuse, rape, cancer, illness, death, suicide, addiction, fear and terror.
Being profoundly moved by sitting in this work and then being called to live my turnarounds as best I can. Getting involved with a compassionate heart, not an angry one.
Not fighting or thinking anyone’s wrong to have their opinion.
Turning the thought around: They should say and think and feel exactly what they do.
They’re right.
There are horrors, immeasurable suffering, and arguments with it all.
Turning it around again: I myself who thinks doing The Work means standing and looking at my own (or others’) suffering without action, without caring or attention….
….I should understand I am mistaken.
I shouldn’t think The Work is spiritual anything. I should see it brings out greater action, passion, fearless movement, transformation. I should understand others, and myself.
Have I ever treated doing The Work as something that allows me to stand and look at suffering without action, or care?
Wow. Yes. I once kept doing The Work over and over again on the same person because I felt so angry. He was a person full of suffering–he said so himself. He told me to leave him alone, and I didn’t.
I wasn’t caring for my own suffering. I wasn’t caring for his requests. I did The Work with a motive not to be angry, so I could keep pestering him and avoid looking at my own life.
I also forget that my path is no better than anyone else’s path, that I have nothing they don’t also have. I think I know more or better than someone who wrote something on facebook, who I’ve never met before. I forget I’m not in charge.
“Just as we use stress and fear to motivate ourselves to make money, we often rely on anger and frustration to move us to social activism. If I want to act sanely and effectively while I clean up the earth’s environment, let me begin by cleaning up my own environment. All the trash and pollution in my thinking–let me clean up that by meeting it with love and understanding. Then my action can become truly effective. It takes just one person to help the planet. That one is you.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Thank you people who posted on facebook, and thank you news, and reports, and speeches and rallies and images, movies, pictures, radio information, and very troubling happenings of any kind (that mostly seem to occur on my computer I notice)….you show me my invitation to help the planet.
To see the planet as helping me.
To bring out the best, most truly effective action possible, without expectation or demand of any kind.
“You learn to resolve problems peacefully within yourself, and now we have a teacher. Fear teaches fear. Only peace can teach peace.” ~ Byron Katie
Feeling ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, disgusted with yourself is one of the worst feelings ever.
If you’re like me at all, I used to want to hide in a closet and never come out if I felt embarrassed about something I said or did.
I ate. Or smoked. Or went to movies to take my mind off myself doing that embarrassing thing, or acting that dumb way, or making that stupid mistake. I’d call myself an idiot.
I wanted to leave town and never show my face again.
If someone triggered me into an experience of feeling shame, I might also have thoughts like “that person is so mean, rude, controlling, nasty, immature, etc,” and judge the heck out of them.
They MADE me feel so bad!
Up until a few years ago, if I felt confronted by someone about a thing I said or did that they didn’t like, I might go overboard to fix it, make it so they didn’t think poorly of me, and then hope it was never mentioned again. It was like I couldn’t relax until I knew they liked me.
If I felt like someone had a poor image of me, I stopped answering their phone calls or efforts to get together. Too dangerous.
It’s powerful to look at what you’re thinking, and believing, when you feel ashamed.
I once had a friend say I wasn’t helping out enough around the meal clean up.
Instant shame.
My impulse was to rush to the kitchen and start frantically cleaning everything in sight. I actually DID jump up and move. It never occurred to me for a second to say my back hurt and I was stretching, so I’m opting out.
OMG! I could never say that! (It almost feels weird to write it even now, years later! Who cares about your hurt back, just suck it up and pitch in…..right?!)
What was really going on in the moment someone confronted me, or had a request, or criticized me….were thoughts almost entirely about my ego being bruised, my identity of Good Person being shattered.
She should think I’m awesome. At all times.
No one should ever be hurt by something I do or say.
I must be perceived as caring, thoughtful and kind.
People should all love me (and they don’t).
It’s not safe to have people dislike you–they can hurt you, cut you off, ditch you, and stab you in the back
One thing I noticed about these underlying fears were….
….they weren’t really about SHAME!
Shame was the reaction. Shame was what happened when I believed someone didn’t like me. Like a weird motivator of violence against myself so I’d fix me.
I was actually terrified out of my skull if someone moved away from me, thought critically of me, didn’t like something I said or did.
I was terrified because I thought I should be perfect and perfect meant never disturbing anyone else, ever. Maybe if they knew everything about me, they WOULD be disturbed. So I have to keep a lid on it.
Now….you can take this even farther by wondering if there’s anyone early in your life who you worried about their view of you?
My parents instantly come to mind, and today, my father.
He was very proper, upstanding, charitable, kind, not at all aggressive, thoughtful, and caring. He only showed anger once a year. He was very faithful in the church, and devoted. He was someone who in my eyes, and in the eyes of many, did the “right” thing. He never put his foot in his mouth, or bothered anyone, it seemed. He was a beloved professor to many students.
But somehow, it was clear that he also had very high standards. He disapproved of quite a few behaviors, and spoke of people he didn’t respect.
Just listening to his words, I vowed to make sure I would never be someone who he could talk about like this. I wanted him to love me all the time, and never be critical.
There’s RIGHT and there’s WRONG. I believed it.
Do you have someone who if they didn’t approve of you, you’d feel absolutely terrible? Has that actually happened?
Even if it hasn’t happened, you can hold that upstanding person in your mind, and notice the fear that enters if you think they MIGHT disapprove of you, or they are disapproving of someone else.
If you’ve done something that if THEY knew you did it, they’d reject you….you can imagine them finding out, and do The Work from this horrifying prospect: someone you care about very much KNOWS what you did, and they disapprove.
Let’s do The Work!
Is it true you need their approval? Is it true that because of the way it went in that situation, you are a bad person? Is it true you must always be perceived as generous, kind, patient, or good in some other way? Is it true you must never, ever, ever hurt anyone’s feelings, and if you do–FIX IT–or hide it forever?
Sigh.
It’s a lot of pressure.
I can’t really know it’s true. It’s hard to be good in everyone’s eyes. It’s hard to TRY to be perfect, to WORK at doing the right thing.
It’s exhausting, actually.
How I react, when I believe I need to be perceived as safe, good, and loving and “work” at it….is I don’t speak the truth, I’m very careful with most humans (especially anyone who reminds me of my dad) and I worry if someone doesn’t express praise, or approval, or doesn’t give me a nod or smile.
Holy Smokes. So stressful.
Who would you be without the belief you have to be good, right, upstanding, clear, loving, and not ever do anything that would disturb someone?
Wait. Really?
Are you sure it’s OK not to work at being the best possible person in the entire world that I could be (and this equals never bothering anyone)?
Yes.
Because it just doesn’t seem natural to have to work, and get all twisted in a pretzel to make sure you look acceptable, and accepting.
Who would you be without this stressful story that you need to be seen as upstanding, positive, healthy, nice, kind…whatever your words are that you worry about NOT being?
Who would you be without the belief you need to be approved of, by THAT person (you know the one)?
How could it be a good thing that someone hasn’t found you ideal, or perfect? How could it be of benefit that someone said “no” or “you did it wrong!”
Whew. I almost have no idea.
I’ve been operating as if this is a given for so many years, I can’t imagine feeling entirely free to be myself, naturally me, without shame or judgment.
And then….
….I feel it. Just a wee bit. Who I’d be, What I’d be, without the thought.
It’s so light. It’s exciting. Magnificent even.
Without the belief I shouldn’t impose on anyone, or be disapproved of, or be perceived as unloving….
….I am very happy suddenly. Like it’s just completely 100% OK to be whatever this is. Responding, being, connecting, disconnecting. Being a human. Not expecting myself to be more, or other than, human.
Turning the underlying thoughts around:
She should think I’m human, capable of foibles. At all times.
People should be hurt by something I do or say, when they are.
I must NOT be perceived as caring, thoughtful and kind.
People shouldn’t all love me (and they do–hee hee).
It’s not safe to have people like you (how interesting!)–they can hurt you, cut you off, ditch you, and stab you in the back. And, they can heal you, open you up, set you free, wake you up.
These turnarounds feel so much lighter, so much more true than the original stressful thoughts.
They are worth sitting with slowly, deliberately, and finding your own answers one by one.
“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.”
~ Mary Oliver from the poem Wild Geese
For more sharing on shame and working with this stressful experience, listen to Peace Talk Podcast Episode 133 right HERE.
f you feel shame about something, my number one suggestion?
Pick only one moment where you believe you did it wrong, or you ARE wrong.
Write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on that moment. Write down all your beliefs (it’s OK to hide it somewhere, so no one can find it and read it). Write down what you think the WORST thing is that could happen if the whole world was aware of this about you.
Then begin to inquire.
“Your separation from God has ripened.
Now fall like a golden fruit
Into my hand.
All your wounds from craving love
Exist because of heroic deeds.
Now trade in those medals;
That courage will help this world.”
~ Hafiz, from the Poem Trying To Wear Pants
Much love,
Grace
P.S. My hands are clapping with the inquirers signing up for Year of Inquiry. If there’s any way to explore and dissolve shame, its with steady self-inquiry using The Work in the presence of other people.
I find no other way so helpful. Read about YOI HERE and scroll all the way down for fees, how the program works, and the schedule. People in Institute for The Work receive credit worth one full School for The Work plus 80 credits of one-to-one partnering. Join us. Your courage will help this world. At least, that’s my story.
Look at that cellulite and shaking, saggy skin on the legs.
It looks terrible!
Thoughts like this are so common, they’re like rain squalls, and everyone’s got them in some form or another.
Self-criticism, the perspective that something’s ugly or unacceptable.
But as you look in the mirror, have you ever remembered or wondered about the mirror itself….
….rather than focusing entirely on what’s reflecting inside the mirror?
Today I do a little show-and-tell with my mirror my parents gave me after I went through treatment for my eating disorder and met many professionals who were trying to help.
I wasn’t completely over my obsessive thinking, I wasn’t over self-criticism, I wasn’t entirely over believing that what I saw in the mirror was something to be concerned with….
….but it slowly dissolved over time. And it began to diminish very quickly, the more I applied The Work of Byron Katie to my stressful thinking.
Take a look and see what I want t show you about mirrors.
Have you ever had someone get mad at you for doing something you needed to do? Something you knew was the right thing for your own life?
People experience someone becoming furious, mean, degrading, maybe even sarcastic or calling names in many situations. When breaking up with a romantic or business partner, quitting a job, laying someone off, telling a friend they’re unavailable, rescheduling an extremely important event….
….or even when very serious medical concerns make it so you have to cancel or change your plans.
You say “no”, maybe after weighing out the decision very deliberately, talking about it with others, feeling into what the best thing is to do, with the greatest integrity.
But the other person is totally offended. You’ve hurt them. You’ve shocked them. You’ve scared them.
This other person is incredibly disappointed. Even devastated.
And then….they get nasty.
I remember once a very dear friend saying to me in a conversation about romantic love; “you really learn deeply about someone when you break up with them and you see how they act, what they say, how they conduct themselves.”
Several years ago someone very close to me got offended with someone else in our small tight circle. There were five people in total involved.
The offended one wrote to the whole group, asking for support, via email.
There were a few questions from some of us, including me, all popping up on the email thread.
Wait…what happened? What is it you want? But, shouldn’t you be worried about “x” instead of her? I don’t understand what’s going on. Why aren’t you getting along? Why are you in this situation? What’s happening? Can we all meet to sort this thing out, because this is confusing, and it sounds hard!
There were some back and forth, even more confusing emails or texts. Some opinions shared. The desire for understanding.
But then the clincher.
A very sarcastic, cutting, deeply bitter text from the offended one to the whole group. Violent in wording. Accusing everyone of being separate, distant, uncaring and pointless. And that she’s no longer speaking to any of us. None of us understand her.
When I read it, I felt the pain of heartbreak. The way humans become resentful, seeing their plight as a personal attack. Making War.
We all know this story when it comes to couples.
I’ll never forget the shocking surprise I myself felt at being broken up with long ago by my partner at the time.
It was like a ball of fire in my gut. So outraged. Betrayed.
Thank God I had The Work, because I knew, deep stress = the sign to inquire, the sign I am believing something exceptionally stressful and frightening that is NOT really true for me.
I knew in my right mind, if someone wanted to break up, disengage, move on or change up the routine….
….if someone needed to quit, to stop, to try something new, to cancel….
….that it was possible I might trust the movement instead of taking it personally. I mostly didn’t want to react with such fear and panic, and violence even in my head, no matter what the reasons were.
And I was pretty dang violent in my head, when that guy broke up with me, that’s for sure.
“How DARE you break up with me! You owe me! After all I’ve done for you!”
Or the counter-position (and both usually are running at the very same time) “I am worthy of being left, I am unloveable, I am the one who is abandon-able. He doesn’t care about me.”
Ow.
When you’re speaking up, and you know someone could be disappointed on the other side of your request and concern, it takes a lot of courage to say it, if you’re worried about disappointing people.
“They shouldn’t be so disappointed. They should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me.”
Is it true?
Yes.
People should remain connected with each other! They should be kind. They should be loving and trusting. People should be dedicated to freedom, and to seeing life as it goes the way it does–sometimes change is called for. People should be at least civil, and behave like adults.
Um. Oh yes, where was I. Answering the question “is it true?”
Yes, it’s TRUE that she shouldn’t blame me or hate me or be angry with me.
Can you absolutely know it’s true, they should’t be disappointed? They shouldn’t be calling you names, even if they are? They shouldn’t be so angry or upset?
Deep breath.
Yikes.
The name calling is the worst, I notice. They really shouldn’t attack me. It’s not my fault.
Absolutely true?
No.
They are attacking something. They ARE angry. That’s the reality. I can’t absolutely know it’s true they shouldn’t behave, speak, write exactly as they are. If I’m the target, so be it.
How do I react when I think someone is mean, furious, disappointed, hateful?
I feel sick. I shouldn’t do what I’m doing. I question myself. I question my motives or actions. It doesn’t matter if I’m lying in a hospital or someone else is, I begin to question my own integrity: “Are you sure you’re sick enough to stay in bed? Come on….your feelings are not important. Other people are more important, like this enraged person who’s mad at you. You are causing someone to suffer. Your decisions are bad. Your work is ridiculous. You shouldn’t even bother. Too risky. You can disappoint people. You need to fix this. It’s your fault.”
I mull over the conversations. When did it go wrong? Could I have known sooner, and intervened? Where did I make a mistake?
Incredibly stressful. And no peace in sight. No compassion or love inside of me, for anything about this situation. Just dread. Sadness.
So…..who would you be without the story that someone shouldn’t be mean, furious, bitter, disappointed or call you names? Who would you be without the story someone hates you, and they shouldn’t?
Are you saying.
It’s OK if someone hates me?
What??!!
Woah.
But.
This question is only “who would you be without the thoughtsomeone does?” They have their response, it looks like they are unhappy–no denying it, maybe they even yelled at you–and you do not have the thought they shouldn’t feel what they’re feeling. Including anger or upset or hatred with you.
Wow. Without the thought, there they are upset with me, and no belief they shouldn’t be?
Can you find it?
It took me a minute.
I had to wade through all those screaming thoughts about never wanting to upset or disappoint anyone in this world, and trying to be a loving person who is not threatened. I had to feel the deep desire to be a good, nice, kind person, a loving person, a GREAT person even, who doesn’t hurt other people….and the awareness that my movements have caused pain.
But dropping, dropping, dropping all of those ideas and sitting in the presence of someone who is furious, and reading angry degrading words directed towards me….
….who would I be without the belief this shouldn’t be going this way?
….I remember feeling that way myself, when I felt abandoned, betrayed, lost, and terrified.
I wanted to lash out.
I went silent. I felt crushed.
Turning the belief around “they hate me, are completely disappointed with me”…..
….I hate myself, am disappointed with myself. Yes, when I start piling on all the ways I should never, ever disturb anyone, like it’s possible not to, like it’s my job to keep everyone happy (whew, overkill on the responsibility department).
I hate myself when I push away my own desires and preferences, or ignore my own integrity just to please someone else. I hate myself when I say “yes” to make someone happy, but I feel the “no”. I hate myself when I don’t tell the truth, no matter how disappointed someone might be.
What’s another turnaround?
That angry person doesn’t hate me. They aren’t disappointed. Maybe they even love me.
Well….yes. They really wanted my companionship. They wanted me to share the dream they held of being a couple, or being in business together, or supporting them. They didn’t expect me to say “no”.
Maybe they had a lot riding on this, and I didn’t even realize it. They were hopeful, they were counting on assistance, they were in need.
Back to the little group of five I mentioned: the enraged person should have been that angry, she should hate me/us, she shouldhave behaved and said it just like the way she did with sarcasm, condemnation, bitterness.
Hmmm. It seems like it could have been said differently, with more grace and kindness. It seems like love and peace should look like people speaking thoughtful mature words.
But this is finding examples of how it was perfect, the way it went.
OK. I’m willing to do this work, because I want to be free. For one thing, I see she was honest. She spewed. She got super sarcastic. All communication stopped, so it was no longer confusing, it was over.
Maybe she wasn’t supposed to be part of the group for awhile….maybe this gave her a kind of permission to be as she truly is, and the rest of us some other kind of freedom? I notice some benefits.
Ahhh, the turnaround “I hate her”. I shouldn’t be so disappointed. I should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me
Byron Katie has a powerful saying, like many of her repeated awareness concepts.
“You’ve been spared”.
This doesn’t mean time to rip the other person to shreds. It just means noticing with great clarity that they hate you, and they’re distancing themselves. It’s not so bad to have someone who’s so angry want nothing to do with you.
Plus, she’s right.
I AM judgmental, have high expectations, protective, a flake, unreliable, confused, unaware, stupid, mistake-maker, doing what works for me without concern for others, not listening well, inconsistent, ditching the needs of others.
As a human being, I am here living a life.
I am at times a burden. I require food, water and other necessities, it appears. My presence and choices affect the lives of others. I am not always able to help everyone. I will leave people, disappoint people, not do a good job, screw up.
Could there be a benefit? Could it be a good thing? Is there a brilliant reason why Person #5 cut off and ditched the entire group and said ‘you are not people I want to connect with!’ and ‘I hate you!’ (which I notice now, was never said….I just assumed and felt it).
Well, I get to find out now. Without any story.
Exciting.
Who am I without this belief that no one ever should be upset with me (or hate me)?
Happy.
“Challenges force you to become more present. Through being challenged beyond its comfort zone, the body gets stronger. Through other people, we get stronger. I learned to regard these humans as blessings….These relationships are spiritual practices….If nothing goes wrong, there is no movie. The character doesn’t develop. It’s a bad movie. In a good movie, as the character faces his or her problems, he or she grows, changes, develops abilities he or she didn’t have before. In very good movies, there’s some kind of spiritual realization. But only…..because something went wrong!” ~ Eckhart Tolle
