Uh oh.
One of my best friends in the world who lives in another country is in the middle of a break up of a long-term relationship.
We hear about these things happening all the time.
People bickering, spending thousands on lawyers, he did this, she did that, this is mine, that’s not yours, he’s insane, she’s wrong.
The couple involved are both basically incredibly, deeply, fundamentally shaken and hurt. They’re feeling guilty, confused, shocked, and angry to the core.
Funny how this goes, and it’s so opposite to the first budding romantic excitement of a brand new love.
This was a person you once decided to buy property with, or have children with, or share a kitchen and bathroom with….
….and now you hate them.
Kind of weird, right?
What the heck happened?
Often, it’s small things that happen over time, and how people communicate what they really feel (or don’t communicate), and stories that build up….than can definitely be questioned (but never were).
I’ve worked with couples from time to time when they call for sessions doing The Work together.
People read their worksheets to each other, with all the most blistering and childish beliefs written down about the other person (the stuff we’d normally never say out loud).
Both people have to be really willing to hear difficult things from the other person, take it in, and feel it and hold it as something to learn from.
I find, many people would love to be able to do this, but they can’t.
(Only, of course, they can….maybe just not yet).
They don’t know how to NOT feel defensive, put up a wall, cut the other person off in anger, take things very personally.
My friend, who knows The Work and is super willing to question her own thinking was so angry at her partner she was half-crying half-yelling in her voicemail.
Sometimes, we just break down.
It’s kinda normal, really. Maybe even the breaking down, breaking apart…..breaking…..isn’t so bad after all.
But here’s something I thought after listening to her, calling her back and talking awhile.
I hung up the phone, and I felt a little sad myself.
“They’re both acting like total babies.”
I could feel this feeling of YUCK inside my own chest.
Thoughts like….I want nothing to do with this ridiculous juvenile behavior. They should get a grip. People are mad.
And then, I realized….my own thoughts of being against them fighting were similar to them actually fighting.
Sigh.
Time for The Work.
They should stop fighting.
Is it true?
Yes, damn right they should stop. Did I tell you about how they got together in the first place so many years ago and how there was already some concern, and…..
…..Oh. I almost forgot.
I was answering the question.
Right.
Is it absolutely true they should stop fighting?
Um….YEAH.
How do you react when you believe they should stop, and they don’t?
I remember my two kids fighting. I believed this thought. I remember my neighbors fighting about a loud dog. I believed this thought. I remember my grandpa and dad fighting about money and respect. I believed this thought.
And what about the wars in the world?
I believe this thought.
How do I react?
Upset, very sad. Wanting to get away from it all, get away from the human race. It’s depressing.
So who would you be without this belief, that people should stop fighting?
Wait, what?
What d’ya mean, without that thought? Are you saying….it’s OK for them to be fighting! You must be crazy!!
No. This isn’t saying you find it OK, acceptable, good, kind, happy, beneficial.
Not at all.
But without the thought screaming in my mind, without the bracing within my body against this thing called “fighting” I definitely relax a moment.
I think about these people who are fighting, and I want to understand, to connect, to listen.
I don’t tell them what to do, I don’t give speeches, I may or may not be super involved (my friend, after all, lives a long way away).
There’s a space of silence or a pause between thoughts, between words.
I notice, in reality, there is fighting. Always has been. Maybe always will be, who knows. I saw dogs fighting yesterday on the bike trail. Fighting, and fires, and fireworks, and huge waves crashing, and volcanoes erupting HAPPEN in this reality.
I also notice, in reality, there is NO fighting in this moment in my environment. It is very quiet, my daughter is reading at the table, my husband is on his computer, there’s a hum of a motor outside, I can hear rain pattering on the kitchen window.
Turning the thought around:
They shouldn’t stop fighting. They should keep on fighting, until they don’t. I should stop fighting in my own head, about their fighting. I should stop fighting myself. I should stop fighting my own thinking.
Ooh. Nice little pussy cat thoughts (like tweety bird)….you aren’t so lionishly terrifying after all, are you?
If you look at a pile of thoughts….there’s nothing there.
Ha ha!
And silence holds it all.
Much love, Grace