I Give Up

Every so often, I get the urge to close up shop, sell the cottage, and go live in a monastery.

You think I jest!

But no.

There will be a moment of fleeting thoughts, perhaps the to-do list…..

….the roof is leaking, the bed needs to be made, I need to post information about the April Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend because hardly anyone knows about it yet, I should finalize my 2013 taxes and send them off….

….and then, for no apparent reason except maybe the natural inclination to escape, the thought enters “I give up”.

An idea to bring everything to simplicity. A surrender. The thought to lie down on the floor and do nothing.

Oh dear, though.

Then nothing would be done. And the darkness, or emptiness, or depression, or despair might take over.

The other day I was working with a lovely inquirer who came to this realization….

….”if I don’t have a drive to change, then, I wouldn’t change!”

This is one of my absolute most favorite difficult and troubling concepts to question.

If I love everything the way it is, as it is right now, I won’t TRY to achieve anything. I won’t move, I won’t take action, I won’t want to do anything.

Ever!

Are you sure?

Yes. I dream of lying on the beach all day, doing whatever I want, whenever I want to. I dream of meditating, living in the monastery, being extremely simple, reading books. I dream of staying in bed all day, eating or having sex or sleeping.

Everyone’s got their images of dreamy non-doing.

Are you positive that this is what you’d be doing, this is what you’d follow and how you’d live, if you had no urgency to change, no stress, no upset?

Well. I’m not sure. Personally, my answer is no.

I don’t know if I’d like endless monastery life, I hate staying in bed all day, and the beach is only fun for me if I get in the water, talk, walk or play volleyball, or meditate under the shady umbrella.

How do you react when you believe the thought that you can’t stop feeling stress because your stress motivates you to change?

And of course, you HAVE to change. The current state of affairs sucks, right?

Not enough! Too much!

But who would you be without the thought that you need to change, and you need pain to motivate you to change?

I am not talking about pretending that your state is pure heaven, when it is not.

This is not weird mind-control, affirmation, crazy-ville talk.

But really, when I realize that perhaps not only pain motivates me, but actually support, love, encouragement, silence and relaxation support me…

…I feel relief. I feel excited. I feel much more creative.

I don’t feel physically hopeless.

I notice I have energy, thrill, movement, action arise inside me. I love writing. I love organizing and studying what works for people around healing eating issues. I love dancing.

I only like lying on the floor doing nothing, sometimes.

Without the belief that I absolutely HAVE to change, I might notice that I kind of love the idea of change…and even that I can’t help but change…that it’s not possible to remain stagnant and NOT change.

Without the belief that only pain makes gain (eww) things appear to be very obvious much more quickly. I follow my intuition, I don’t get side-tracked, I remember what the point of All This is, is unknown (to the mind) but I may as well enjoy the ride.

(I love how Adyashanti always says “enjoy yourself”, it makes me chuckle and nod).

Turning the thoughts around, I find I do NOT need to drive change in order to change.

Nothing big and dramatic actually needs to happen…I can notice tiny movements towards honesty. I bring up something I’ve been wanting to speak about to my mate for awhile. I tell my deepest truth to a family member. I ask for help. I pray. I stop hiding anything. I look up at the sky with rain falling down on my cheeks.

I question what I’m thinking.

This organism moves.

“‘My life is over’–ask ‘is it true? Can I absolutely know? How do I react when I believe that? Who would I be, just in this moment, if I didn’t believe it?’ Then turn it around and allow life to show you the new way to move forward, the way that you haven’t seen yet…..When your old plan is gone, your mind immediately fills with new possibilities.” ~ Byron Katie

If you did not HAVE to change, and you relaxed on your urgency to force something to happen….are you sure you would give up, and do nothing…or that nothing would then happen?

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Wow, now that’s a turnaround.

Yes! I can do this! I give up! All is well!