Yesterday afternoon I noticed little a little flutter in my torso as I thought about hosting a 4 hour retreat, something I’ve done many times before now.
I’ll never forget one of the first retreats I ran. After I had greeted a few of the first guests, ready for an all-day intensive learning and doing The Work, I happened to step in to my bedroom to get a pen.
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw two humongous, and I mean HUGE wet circles of sweat spanning out from my underarms, darkening my shirt.
I gasped, and immediately changed my top.
Getting ready to be the facilitator for something, or start a new class, to take the role of leader or point person or teacher…can, shall we say, heighten personal energy.
OK, we can call it nervousness, anxiousness, anticipation.
For some people, just raising their hand in a group to speak is terrifying!
Sometimes I’ve had the oddest experience of adrenaline zapping through me when overall, I felt as if all was incredibly well.
Like, right when I get the impulse to raise my hand and ask a question in front of 500 people.
Other times, sharing, speaking, or singing in front of a big crowd is like laughing with a small group of friends, so simple.
But one thing I have discovered is that being responsible for the FUTURE is part of the requirement for nervous anxiety:
- I hope the event will go beautifully
- I want everyone to learn, receive, gain something, like it
- They should enjoy themselves, have a powerful experience
- I should make a difference, I should make an impact
- But I shouldn’t be too intense, I should be easy to approach
- Everything needs to go well
- Nothing bad or uncomfortable or difficult should happen
- No one should feel disappointed
- Everyone should feel pleased and happy when its over
As soon as I start to list out the stressful thoughts, even blow them up into proportions that are clearly too big for this situation, they all kind of seem…..
…..silly.
Well, CRAZY!
With this list going, the Comforting Voice might start chattering “no no, there’s nothing to worry about here, just do your best, be yourself, everything will go however it needs to go, all is well and you know it”….
The thing is, when that voice enters that’s trying to soothe the anxiety or tell you to stop worrying, it doesn’t always work.
Have you ever had a close friend, a spouse, or a parent tell you in the middle of feeling huge nervousness “QUIT WORRYING” ?
So the mental activity is there volleying back and forth between feeling nervous and responsible for EVERYTHING, and trying to calm down.
Remember, the mind is exceptionally dramatic.
A little passing example: Knowing I had this workshop to run, when my refrigerator stopped working for about an hour last night, inside my head I was ready to call the fire department.
I have a very good friend who is racing today in a long and grueling bike competition.
She texted me last night that she just wished the race was starting NOW, she couldn’t stand the waiting, she hated all the nervous tension in her stomach 24 hours before.
So…..we see what happens in the body, in the mind, when we’re believing that something really, really, really, really has to go well and that we are partly or entirely responsible for the outcome.
We’re nervous wrecks!
Who would we be without the thought that we’re responsible for things going well?
“It you mistreat an animal, it becomes afraid. This is what has happened to your psyche. You have mistreated it by giving it a responsibility that is incomprehensible. Just stop for a moment and see what you have given your mind to do. You said to your mind, ‘I want everyone to like me. I don’t want anyone to speak badly of me. I don’t want anything to happen that I don’t like. And I want everything to happen that I do like.’ And then you said, “Now, mind, figure out how to make every one of these things a reality, even if you have to think about it day and night.’ And of course your mind said ‘I’m on the job. I will work on it constantly.” ~ Michael Singer
Who would you be without a future that needed to be fabulous?
What if you are not responsible for a good, perfect, blissful outcome?
Even for your entire life?
Without the thought that I have to make it good for other people, and good for me, and good for the universe…..
….I am so free, it’s an amazing spark of the most alive peace, right here in the present moment.
Total relief.
I may picture the future, but it is with unknowing and joy and space, excitement, wonder.
Relaxation. Simpleness.
“I’m talking about not resisting, not grasping, not getting caught in hope and in fear, in good and in bad, but actually living completely.” ~ Pema Chodron
Right now I am noticing colors, tapping fingers on laptop, warm summer air, still body, breathing, happiness.
Love, Grace
P.S. Three classes starting in September: One Year of Inquiry begins September 13th 5:15 pm PT (3 telegroups per month), 8 week teleclass Relationship Hell To Heaven Sept 12th 8 – 9:30 am PT , AND 6 week teleclass Pain, Sickness and Death Sept 13th 10-11:30 am PT.