Tag: nervous

Posted on

Behold your world. The judgments you believe just created it.

Before inquiry today, four upcoming events (the first one completely free):

1) First Friday! Open Inquiry Jam. This month of August we meet Friday, August 3rd at 4:30 pm Pacific Time  Here’s the link: Join First Friday call.

2) Yesterday, I opened up a letter from Breitenbush Hotsprings. It was hard to imagine all the information it contained about winter, as I sat in 90 degree weather in Seattle.

Winter Retreat is December 6-9, 2018 at Breitenbush Hotsprings! (Woot!) I’ll be accompanied again by my skilled husband and partner in offering The Work. We’ll be in the cozy, magical atmosphere in deep Oregon cascades and hot mineral springs of Breitenbush doing The Work right in the middle of holiday season. A gift indeed (and helpful for visits with Family of Origin–FOO). For more information and to get a running start on planning, visit this link here.

3) Year of Inquiry. So exciting to start again in September. A monthly topic, inquiry live on Tuesday AM and Thursday PM every week (except the last week of the month), a private active forum for sharing online, a powerful way way to stay connected and engaged with supportive peers, and your own brilliant self, in The Work.

This year in YOI, we’ll have a group focusing on facilitating The Work, a track for those wanting to refine their facilitation and partnering skills. (No extra fee for anyone in YOI who wants training in facilitation). Those wanting to do this will facilitate in some of our group live inquiry sessions.

Year of Inquiry is almost half the price of The 9 Day School for The Work and YES, we meet for the entire year,including two months of Summer Camp in July and August 2019. YOI begins in September.

4) Fall Retreat. I’m surprised to say people are already enrolled in October 17-21, 2018 Seattle retreat. Anyone in the FULL YOI program automatically has a spot in this retreat (as well as spring 2019). But there’s room set aside for those to attend who are not in YOI. CEUs for mental health practitioners.

**********************

The daily inquiry in Summer Camp has been profound.

Truly. I was honestly kinda thinking before we began, shouldn’t I give myself a break in the summer from The Work and do this whole summer camp thing another time?

I wouldn’t miss this for the world.

It’s the most exciting summer vacation I could ever imagine: the thrill and peace of questioning beliefs that feel bad and aren’t really true.

For example.

Have you ever had dread about an upcoming conversation, event, presentation, meeting…where you’re sharing or doing or leading something and Other People  have eyes and/or ears on you?

You’re in the spotlight! You’re on! (Heart begins to pound).

The other day, an inquirer in Summer Camp brought up a common stressful situation, and something about it was so beautifully and honestly offered…everyone enjoyed listening and doing their own work on this thought.

“My imperfections will be judged by others”. 

What was the situation where this thought appeared in the inquirer’s mind?

Why, right there in Summer Camp on the group calls!

They’ll hear my crazy thoughts, my judgments, my quirks, my childishness, my nervousness (etc, etc). They’ll “see” me and my faults. My imperfections will be blatantly obvious! 

Then, someone else the following day did The Work on dreading a conversation with a manager at work. “He’ll correct me”.

It was a similar anticipation. In that situation, I’ll be analyzed, evaluated, graded. That person will judge me. It won’t be good! 

Oys.

I’ve had this thought so many times in my life. In school, in front of my parents or siblings, at work, on stage, in friendships, in relationships, at parties, in discussions, in social scenes, leading retreats.

Is it true they’ll judge me?

Well….er….yes.

Isn’t that what we all do? It seems, we judge.

But what meaning are we placing on this judgment that appears to be happening? What’s going on?

Because it feels really bad. It feels frightening.

Can I absolutely know my story about judgment is true?

Can I know it will be bad, or already was bad in the past?

Can I know those times when I was judged were horrible times never to be visited again?

Is it really true that I need their approval, or thumbs-up, or high grade, or to be seen as brilliant or perfect or adequate or favorable?

Wow. No.

How do you react when you believe they’ll judge you because of your imperfections, and it’s Not Good?

Scared. Pictures of the past, all the way back to grade school, or scenes from family moments when dad or mom disapproved. Pictures of the future, being alone, alone, alone.

I’m reminded of how afraid I’ve been sometimes of being alone, and how other people have shared with me that they have this same fear.

How do I react?

I’m super quiet. I never raise my hand. I don’t speak up when someone says something I don’t agree with, OR, I speak up with defense. I start feeling the separation between me and them. I’m not connected.

So who would you be without this thought that they’ll judge me….for anything? Without the thought that their judgments would be terrible, if they DO judge me? Without the belief I need anything from them at all?

Holy Moly.

I’d feel all the dread run down the drain and out of my body. I’d remember that nothing is required for happiness MORE than what’s happening right now, in this moment.

I’d know happiness is not based on what people say, think, do, behave like, or feel. About me.

The beautiful inquirer who did this work in Summer Camp with everyone found her heart-beat was normal, her nervousness dissolved, and the whole kit-and-kaboodle of this thought “they’ll judge me for my imperfections” was gone.

We all spent time finding turnarounds.

TurnAround: They will NOT judge me for my imperfections, I’ll judge myself for my imperfections, I’ll judge THEM for their imperfections, (and sometimes I’ll judge them for MY imperfections–LOL).

The story will not be true…about imperfections and judgment. The story has NOT been true so far.

I have survived, I have felt joy, love, connection despite judgment running in minds (my own, others). I’ve felt the full range of being human, and others having judgments, and lived.

I might even actually be able to find the turnaround (I can) that YAHOOOOOOO! My imperfections have been, are right now, and will be judged by others!! 

Because I’m a regular normal mediocre human who’s part of the pack, here at this time temporarily on planet earth, and I’ve been moved this way then that way because of the music of judgment. Including discovering The Work.

Who would I be without my story that judging is bad, or results in permanent separation, or death, or whatever else we’re most terrified of?

“Behold your world! The judgments you believe just created it……No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Danger, danger…but are you sure your thoughts are true?

eyescloseddeepseriousthought
Who would you be, in that serious situation, without the belief you’re in danger? Could you be supported?

Today is the anniversary of my father’s death.

It was a very long time ago, and I’m so used to living without him being physically present in my life, there is no dreadful pain about his absence.

But it wasn’t always this way.

When he first got diagnosed with incurable, terminal cancer, a wave went driving through me of deep fear, anguish, and grief.

It was terrible, horrible news.

I was filled with dread.

In Year of Inquiry we’re really diving deep in our third month together into some great and profound questions, related to fear.

I remembered vividly, when I heard someone else’s work on the fear they had for their own child’s safety….

….the fear I felt when I learned my father was going to die.

Worrying about someone else is so stressful.

But here’s what I absolutely love about inquiry. It can open up your mind to seeing clearly, and seeing beyond the fear.

What is safety? Why do I feel so unsafe, in this situation? What am I expecting of myself, or of others, or of life….when I think it’s threatening? 

And hey, wait a minute!

Where did I get this idea anyway, that something’s OFF and unsafe or dangerous?

Is it this situation, or Reality, that is off? Or my thinking?

We know intellectually that Byron Katie and other thought leaders and spiritual teachers are offering perspective on this whole “mind” and “thinking” thing, right?

Katie suggests our thinking is the cause of suffering, not the actual conditions of reality. She invites us to look, over and over, as a practice.

“Nothing terrible has ever happened, except in our thinking. Reality is always good, even in situations that seem like nightmares. The story we tell is the only nightmare that we have lived.” ~ Byron Katie

Holy Smokes….let’s test it out.

Let’s look at this very common and VERY troubling belief: I am not safe.

Notice you can only think you should be experiencing something different, this “safe” thing, if you believe you aren’t and it’s bad, bad, bad.

I am not safe (TERRIBLE)!

Is it true?

To really dig into this inquiry as you read, find a situation in which you felt unsafe. Emotionally, physically, spiritually–whatever your circumstance.

Is it true, you’re in danger?

Yes!

I remember the circumstances, many of them, when I felt unsafe.

The doctor is telling me the tumor on my leg is cancer. I’m in full-stop traffic miles away, with my 5 year old standing in the rain in the dark by himself, waiting. I’m reading an alarming text. I’m reading an email that says someone’s coming over NOW and they are desperate. I’m hearing a phone message where someone implies I’m a liar, and another phone message where someone says I’m not being a good friend.

I learn someone very close to me (like my dad) are very sick or going to die. I’m suddenly at the scene of a car accident right after it happened. I can’t reach the man I have a crush on, he’s not ever calling me back. I open the trunk of my car and see it’s empty–all my luggage has been stolen.

Not safe! Surely!

You are not safe.

Is it absolutely true for all time, beyond all doubt?

I pause, wondering about this moment, holding still.

Astonishingly, I notice I can’t know it’s absolutely true I am not safe. Even though I just injured myself, even though someone I love just received a diagnosis, even though my stuff is apparently gone (stolen) and I feel energy coursing through me. I can’t absolutely know I am not safe.

Wow.

How do you react when you believe “this is a threat, I am not safe, this is dangerous”?

I clench up tight. I stop breathing deeply. I want to quit everything, why bother trying in this dangerous world? I see pictures of how things will go (badly) and terrible scenes I imagine for the future, and sad memories from the past. I attack myself, or I attack the attackers in my mind.

I condemn nervousness or anxiety as bad and wrong, and I act tough. I avoid any place or any person who threatens me. THEY are the one making me feel this terrible feeling of danger, after all.

I treat myself like I’m meek and tiny, and unable to handle these feelings or this threat. I run.

So who would you be without this thought, this story of the lack of safety? What if you didn’t know this person, this situation, was dangerous?

Some people think, with this question….my God, I’d be crazy! I’d be walking right into something without fear, and not even know it.

Bingo.

And this isn’t about being passive, or being stupid and defying gravity or something.

You can still follow traffic rules, make lists of pros and cons for spending money, notice you drop everything and leave your house when you learn your kid has a broken wrist at school.

But you’re taking action without terror. You’ve moved, without personally believing it MUST go a certain way, or else.

You do the most efficient, kind, loving thing. That’s who you are, without panic. Someone who cares. Someone who moves to help, if you’re able.

I once remember Katie facilitating someone through their thought “I’m afraid of the cancer in my body!”

She asked the person; “Do you think the cancer is more likely to go away…if you hate it and fear it, or you don’t mind it’s there?”

Hmmm.

Without the belief that I’m threatened…..WOW. I’m wondering where this is going? I’m open. I’m stepping forward, even if it’s in the dark. I’m feeling about, I’m curious, even excited.

Even about the Big Fears, like death and loss and change.

Turning the thought around: I am not threatened in this situation, I am not in danger, I am safe.

Could this be just as true, or truer?

What part of you is OK?

I notice, I’m alive, I’m unhurt physically, I thought I was threatened but actually I only read words, or heard words. Bodies are temporary, and some last longer than others. Things are temporary, too.

Without the belief that I’m unsafe, as I hear troubling news from someone else, I might just sit, stay connected to the person, notice I have only kindness to offer and speaking isn’t necessary.

Turning it around even further: I am supported, all is well, everything is not only OK but brilliant, loving, wonderful.

I know that sounds a bit over the top, considering some of the human situations we find ourselves in. I’m not saying I’d be happy in some very grave, shocking news.

And yet….who knows what is possible?

I notice I would live, even if my child died. I notice I lived, even though my father did die. I notice I’m sitting in a very quiet room, with a heater humming hot air into the space, and a beautiful orange lamp shining, with a cup of peppermint tea and some apple slices sitting within reach. It is extremely safe.

It is as if, right now in this very moment, nothing terrible HAS ever happened, unless I remember or think about it.

It is true that I am only threatened if I THINK.

What I notice, too, is when I was in very apparently dangerous situations, I did not actually “think”.

Thinking happened afterwards. I took in what was happening, I moved, I ducked, I ran, I waited, I showed up, I left.

Who was I without my story?

Life in action. Human, being itself.

Human learning something different. Human discovering what it’s like to not believe it’s thoughts.

Human living with no requirements, conditions, demands (except in thought)….or true lack of safety, ever.

Human spinning through space on a small planet called earth, here for a few seconds by comparison to Reality.

Here, noticing what is sweet and lovely, and bitter and difficult, and noticing I’m not running this joint.

Thank God.

“The Master acts without doing anything and reaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.” ~ Tao Te Ching #2 (Translated by Stephen Mitchell)

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you notice anxiety, fear, nerves, emptiness, boredom, anger when it comes to eating, food and body….I’m offering a MasterClass on Wednesday, November 23rd 1:00-2:30 pm. Eating Peace: How To Question Your Thoughts That Drive Off-Balance Eating. Register here.

Posted on

Ever had the jitters? Question these thoughts to dissolve stage fright.

Question your fearful thoughts about presenting, performing, a difficult conversation....and feel your heart open to the whole wide world
Question your fearful thoughts about presenting, performing, a difficult conversation….and feel your heart open to the whole wide world

Have you ever had butterflies in your stomach in anticipation of being up on stage or in front of people?

Most of us can remember this kind of buzzing excitement within for the first time when they were just a kid.

Maybe in school, maybe standing up in front of a crowd of peers to speak out, maybe being in an end-of-year dance performance for all the parents.

Yesterday, around an hour before I was to go on stage to present on Eating Peace I felt a flutter of excitement race up my chest, and in my quiet hotel room I opened up the slides on my laptop that I’d be sharing with everyone. I sat still and ran through the talk again mentally, cutting out two slides since I learned I’d have ten minutes less time than expected.

I used to feel crazy nervous when going up on stage.

I will never forget having Bach sheet music opened on my lap, tapping the page silently with my fingers in the green room as the other piano students went out on stage, one after the other, and performed their pieces for recital.

I could hear the applause and picture the students taking a bow. I would count, 3 more to go then me, 2 more to go then me, 1 more to go then me, OK you’re next.

It’s funny how the mind gives a blow-by-blow report like a sportscaster.

Thanks for sharing, brain, I can see what’s happening here without you commenting every step of the way! Jeez!

But there’s something simple and wonderful about rehearsing and going over something you anticipate, when it’s very important.

People plan for emergencies, after all.

We practice.

Even though it never, ever could go the exact way we anticipate.

Even though it’s truly unknown, until it’s over.

And yet, with repetitive practice….

….it’s more likely you’ll feel alive, clear, focused and joyful as you make your presentation.

Even if your hands are shaking, and you feel like volcanic steam is exploding in your torso.

The Convention I’m attending here in Los Angeles is a gathering of Facilitators of The Work, inspiring people who move The Work in the world as teachers, lawyers, business owners, doctors and researchers, and Byron Katie of course, and her husband Stephen Mitchell the beautiful writer and translator.

Some of the attendees are candidates here to graduate from a rigorous program of training in self-inquiry. They’re all making presentations to small groups who evaluate them (I went through this in 2008).

I had the honor of being one of the professional presenters to the whole conference (there were about ten of us).

It’s truly a think-tank kind of scene. Super inspiring.

And yes….adrenaline appears to be present in many awesome people who are making presentations and being evaluated.

What’s one of the best ways to handle nerves?

Why……The Work, of course!

So right now, think of something you feel a little anxious about doing.

If it’s not leading a meeting or being on stage, it may be an honest conversation you need to have with someone in your life, maybe even someone close.

What do you think they might think of you, if you speak it, do it, say it, take action?

Here’s my list of what they could think about me:

  • yawn–this is so boring
  • nothing she has to say is helpful or applies to me
  • she’s blabbing on and on with too many words
  • she’s not intelligent
  • she’s too soft and gentle in her demeanor–where’s the spunk?
  • how about a joke?
As I make my list, I am reminded of how deeply interested I am in entertainment.
Presentations need to be exciting, zesty, juicy, thrilling (according to me, I guess).
So of course, I’m worried other people might have the same thoughts about mine.

Let’s inquire.

Is it true that if someone thinks you’re boring, you are?
is it true that if someone thinks anything negative about you, it’s bad news?
Is it true if someone gets upset in response to what you say, it means everyone is upset, or you’re a bad rotten tomato?
No.
How do you react when you believe that other peoples’ thoughts need to be worried about? When other peoples’ thoughts can cause you to be rejected, or hated?
Oh so very, very careful.
Insanely careful.
I hold back, I’m sweating, I try to be pleasing, I’m not my true self.
I don’t bring up important things. I just try to “get through” and survive something where I’m on stage, or in the spot light. I don’t risk anything new or different.
I’m definitely Not Funny.
I also avoid what’s truly serious for me, too.
So who would you be without the belief you’ve got to hold it together, do a good job, make sure you’re not boring, make sure you’re funny, appear intelligent, or any of the other things that come through your mind about what other people might want?
This is a big question.
This is a super, wonderful, exciting question.
If you really can hold very, very still and relax so deeply, without concern for how people perceive you and consider your answer and really wonder what it would be like to not have any concern for other peoples’ thoughts…..
…..then wow.
It’s actually quite thrilling.
For me, it feels like an astonishing willingness to collapse into connection with everyone, rather than be concerned for this image, this person called “me”, this “I” using lots of energy to look perfect, or funny, or intelligent.
Without the thoughts of fear about what other people think?
A great laughter bubbles up from somewhere deep within, and tears of gratitude and sharing. Pure joy. Excitement, heart-beating, aliveness.
Truth telling!
Love!
All it takes is imagining who you are without knowing what anyone thinks of you.
Hilarious, right?
Because you actually don’t.

 

When I went on stage, all nervousness just dropped away. I spoke, I clicked my slides, I kept it simple, I ended at basically the exact amount of time allotted.

People lined up to ask for a copy of the slides I used, to say how inspired they were, to say how much they learned, to say how connected they felt to me now that they knew more of my personal story of recovering from an eating disorder.

One woman had tears and the sweetest eyes, sharing some of her difficult journey with addiction. I gave her such a long hug. My heart was bursting.

All I know is I love recovery, healing, and clarity.

All I could do was to share what it looks like in me.

As it turned out, that was enough.

“The Master never reaches for the great; thus she achieves greatness. When she runs into a difficulty, she stops and gives herself to it. She doesn’t cling to her own comfort; thus problems are no problem for her.” ~ Tao Te Ching #63
Much love, Grace

P.S. A lot of people feel shame when it comes to compulsions. Someone asked if they could attend the Eating Peace Retreat even though they’re working on why they over-drink sometimes. Sure. This deep inner work will still work on whatever consuming-type behavior disturbs your peace.

Posted on

Being Responsible Doesn’t Have To Be Scary

Yesterday afternoon I noticed little a little flutter in my torso as I thought about hosting a 4 hour retreat, something I’ve done many times before now.

I’ll never forget one of the first retreats I ran. After I had greeted a few of the first guests, ready for an all-day intensive learning and doing The Work, I happened to step in to my bedroom to get a pen.

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw two humongous, and I mean HUGE wet circles of sweat spanning out from my underarms, darkening my shirt.

I gasped, and immediately changed my top.

Getting ready to be the facilitator for something, or start a new class, to take the role of leader or point person or teacher…can, shall we say, heighten personal energy.

OK, we can call it nervousness, anxiousness, anticipation.

For some people, just raising their hand in a group to speak is terrifying!

Sometimes I’ve had the oddest experience of adrenaline zapping through me when overall, I felt as if all was incredibly well.

Like, right when I get the impulse to raise my hand and ask a question in front of 500 people.

Other times, sharing, speaking, or singing in front of a big crowd is like laughing with a small group of friends, so simple.

But one thing I have discovered is that being responsible for the FUTURE is part of the requirement for nervous anxiety:

  • I hope the event will go beautifully
  • I want everyone to learn, receive, gain something, like it
  • They should enjoy themselves, have a powerful experience
  • I should make a difference, I should make an impact
  • But I shouldn’t be too intense, I should be easy to approach
  • Everything needs to go well
  • Nothing bad or uncomfortable or difficult should happen
  • No one should feel disappointed
  • Everyone should feel pleased and happy when its over

As soon as I start to list out the stressful thoughts, even blow them up into proportions that are clearly too big for this situation, they all kind of seem…..

…..silly.

Well, CRAZY!

With this list going, the Comforting Voice might start chattering “no no, there’s nothing to worry about here, just do your best, be yourself, everything will go however it needs to go, all is well and you know it”….

The thing is, when that voice enters that’s trying to soothe the anxiety or tell you to stop worrying, it doesn’t always work.

Have you ever had a close friend, a spouse, or a parent tell you in the middle of feeling huge nervousness “QUIT WORRYING” ?

So the mental activity is there volleying back and forth between feeling nervous and responsible for EVERYTHING, and trying to calm down.

Remember, the mind is exceptionally dramatic.

A little passing example: Knowing I had this workshop to run, when my refrigerator stopped working for about an hour last night, inside my head I was ready to call the fire department.

I have a very good friend who is racing today in a long and grueling bike competition.

She texted me last night that she just wished the race was starting NOW, she couldn’t stand the waiting, she hated all the nervous tension in her stomach 24 hours before.

So…..we see what happens in the body, in the mind, when we’re believing that something really, really, really, really has to go well and that we are partly or entirely responsible for the outcome.

We’re nervous wrecks!

Who would we be without the thought that we’re responsible for things going well?

“It you mistreat an animal, it becomes afraid. This is what has happened to your psyche. You have mistreated it by giving it a responsibility that is incomprehensible. Just stop for a moment and see what you have given your mind to do. You said to your mind, ‘I want everyone to like me. I don’t want anyone to speak badly of me. I don’t want anything to happen that I don’t like. And I want everything to happen that I do like.’ And then you said, “Now, mind, figure out how to make every one of these things a reality, even if you have to think about it day and night.’ And of course your mind said ‘I’m on the job. I will work on it constantly.” ~ Michael Singer

Who would you be without a future that needed to be fabulous?

What if you are not responsible for a good, perfect, blissful outcome?

Even for your entire life?

Without the thought that I have to make it good for other people, and good for me, and good for the universe…..

….I am so free, it’s an amazing spark of the most alive peace, right here in the present moment.

Total relief.

I may picture the future, but it is with unknowing and joy and space, excitement, wonder.

Relaxation. Simpleness.

“I’m talking about not resisting, not grasping, not getting caught in hope and in fear, in good and in bad, but actually living completely.” ~ Pema Chodron

Right now I am noticing colors, tapping fingers on laptop, warm summer air, still body, breathing, happiness.

Love, Grace

P.S. Three classes starting in September: One Year of Inquiry begins September 13th 5:15 pm PT (3 telegroups per month), 8 week teleclass Relationship Hell To Heaven Sept 12th 8 – 9:30 am PT , AND 6 week teleclass Pain, Sickness and Death Sept 13th 10-11:30 am PT.