It seems there’s a wind of change in the air.
Oh yes, it’s still summer where I live….but not for much longer. The days appear more orange in color, and piles of berries sold in the shops have dwindled.
Maybe because of the pattern for so many years in school, the calendar approaching September brings a sense of newness.
Things beginning.
Possibilities around the corner.
Yesterday, gathering with the group of wonderful inquirers in the relationships course (Divorce/Break-Up/Separation our topic), I felt the new joy of starting another deep dive in to exploring peace….once again….in primary relationship.
Peace, no matter what happened, what’s happening now, what will happen in the future.
One of my favorite first exercises in the class is called The Good Ex (we haven’t even gotten to this exercise yet–so spoiler alert–if you’re in the course, you’ll get to do this soon).
But everyone and anyone interested in looking at stories about relationships can do this exercise on any troubling situation you’ve ever been in with someone. They don’t have to be an “ex”.
A Good (fill in the blank) Husband. A Good Wife. A Good Partner. A Good Mate. A Good Lover. A Good Friend. A Good Mother. A Good Father, Brother, Grandma, Boss…
What is your definition of a good one of these?
What is a good ex? What is a good partner?
Make a list.
Let’s look at what a good partner is like.
What’s on your list?
A good partner:
- speaks kindly to me
- shares their money with me
- asks how I’m feeling
- wants to spend time with me and asks me on dates
- is an attentive lover
- buys me gifts (that I like)
- makes me laugh
- lives a healthy life (and doesn’t die before me)
I have the ideal version, and then I have the actual version.
And I’m devastated.
But here’s the brilliant thing about inquiry…
We can question our “ideal version” and find out if it’s really true that we’d be happy if we had what’s on the list.
(No, this doesn’t mean we give up in despair from ever getting anything we like–this isn’t about tossing out all preferences).
So I’m noticing I think I need this particular person to have the same quality (let’s just look at one at a time) as what is on the list.
So let’s say I’m believing this person should speak kindly, attentively, and ask for time with me….and he doesn’t. Ever.
He should speak kindly and spend time with me.
Is it true?
YES. Why the heck am I in a relationship in the first place, even when we aren’t married anymore? Jeez, are you nuts?
But can you absolutely know this is true that this particular person should be that way (see list)?
Sigh. No.
So what happens when you believe that thought?
Terrible images cross my mind, about the future. I’m living a life of sorrow and loneliness and heart-break forever….
….where my former husband never wants to talk about what happened between us, have a heart-to-heart, enjoy a close conversation filled with understanding and kindness.
I feel distance, sadness, pining, grief.
So who would you be without this sad story that he should want to spend time and speak kindly?
Relaxed.
Without my beliefs about what a relationship should look like, I might notice that actually I am the one who wants to spend time. I am the one who didn’t speak kindly, or ask for conversation.
Shoot.
But this work isn’t about hitting yourself or feeling bad about you, instead of the other.
It’s about awareness. Simple.
Turning the thought around:
I should speak kindly and spend time with him. I should speak kindly and spend time with me. He shouldn’t speak kindly or spend time with me.
Can I find examples of all three of these turnarounds, one by one?
If I really want to spend time with him, I could ask him for a meeting, for regular time, for conversation. I could have asked my former husband, for example, for a more honest heart-to-heart when it first crossed my mind–and all the many times it occurred to me again later. I kept thinking things like “Nah, he should make the effort. He doesn’t want to talk with me anyway”.
I should speak kindly and spend time with myself. Wow. No kidding, this is so true. I was very mean and critical to myself in the past, especially when it came to relationships and being honest about what I wanted. I would often have a thread of self-judgment running about myself, with many people. I wouldn’t say “no” or “yes” honestly.
He shouldn’t be that other way (speak kindly, ask for time). Can I find a reason why not? Would it be weird, perhaps? What if he was super needy, and wanted to follow me around everywhere? There can be advantages to being left alone!
Do I really want to have my happiness depend on someone else’s behavior?
In all this, I love finding the balance. It never means swinging over to doing, saying, finding nothing to request, to go mute and have zero preferences.
That’s not what this work is about.
It seems it’s about freedom.
Freedom to be with myself peacefully while I move toward and then away from others. Noticing kind conversations and how fun they are (in my own head, with others). Spending time with others in many intimate wonderful ways.
Trusting the way the world turns, that there’s people coming and going and coming again. Quiet and silence, then talking and sharing, then quiet again.
Who would we be without our stories of the ideal relationship?
We’d be with the one in front of us, and excited for whomever I’ll meet next.
“When someone loves what is, she makes use of anything life happens to bring her way, because she doesn’t con herself anymore. What comes her way is always good. She sees that clearly, even though people may say otherwise. There’s no adversity in her life. And from her experience, others learn the way of it. If someone says ‘I’m leaving you’ she feels the excitement rising inside her, since she can see only the advantages that come from that. What could be a more fulfilling experience than to witness the gift of reality? If someone says ‘I’m joining you’ she can see only the advantages in that. What could be a dearer experience than having you join me? She’s going to die: good. She’s not going to die: good. She’s going to lose her eye sight: good. She’s not going to lose her eyesight: good. She’s crippled; she can walk again: good, good, good. She, like everyone and everything else, is the beautiful, simple flow of reality, which is always kinder and more exciting than our thoughts about it.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself pg. 216
Session #2 of the current online course Divorce Is Hell: Is It True? doesn’t meet until September 1st….so if you decide to join in the next few days, we’ll welcome you with open arms to inquiry on a relationship that’s caused pain or suffering in your life when it changed formats and appeared to “end”. From Sept 1st on, we meet Sundays 11:00 am PT until October 13th.