Holy Smokes. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve worked with lately who feel life is not worth living, or going on, or this planet is doomed.
I am not minimizing these thoughts by saying quite a few people have thought them.
Maybe the opposite.
People have reported feeling this way, and if I ask about a specific situation, like one thing that’s really disturbing, they say there isn’t just one. There really isn’t.
Unemployment, rejection, illness, hurricane, confusion, killing, unloved, sleeplessness.
All at once.
Life sucks.
And me? I have no idea where to start when there’s so much for someone else in their life….except….
….”what if you started right where you are?”
As in….it’s not worth living. It sucks. Nothing is working. I’m doomed.
Is it true?
Well, duh. That’s what I’m saying! Jeez!
Can you absolutely know it’s true that it can’t go on, it sucks, it’s not worth living, you’re doomed?
Sigh.
No. Fine.
Sometimes, when people are in this place (as I have been, by the way) then you might want to say YES. It’s absolutely true. It is awful. It’s horrible. It sucks. And this is not “worth” living.
It’s not wrong to have that answer.
I notice, so far, I’ve remained alive. So I guess there’s been a shadow of doubt about the value of being alive. I’ve continued. Or something else has, despite my depressing thoughts in the past.
How do I react when I believe I’m doomed?
Worried. Fretful. Not sleeping well. Lashing out at the people I love. Watching Netflix for escape. Holding steady and waiting for the next shoe to drop and wondering, how many shoes are there, anyway?
Are we working with some kind of octopus? Or milli-peed?
Who would you be without the thought that you’re doomed? Without the belief you need to escape, this is intolerable, nothing is working, you’re stuck in a pattern that doesn’t shift?
Um.
But.
This is only for a few minutes, to wonder what it would be like without the thought? Without the thoughts about this life not being worth living, and everything in it offering trouble. All those details that aren’t working? Who would you be without them? What do you see, in this moment right now?
Who would you be without the story you’re doomed?
Wow.
I’d notice this aliveness right now, even though I’m sure one day this won’t be so anymore. But I’d notice this place, here, now. Table, soft glowing light without sun, white blinds on window. Dusk. Flower bouquet from gathering last night where hostess was sending people home with extra flowers. Rain pattering. Grey pillow tipped over on couch. Quiet room. Heart pumping. Words from friend in inquiry saying how sad she is.
All without the story, we’re doomed….what is this all like?
Noticing how it’s not blackness and darkness and nothingness and death. Not at all. This room is full of stuff. People are writing and calling. There are humans, genuinely saying what’s so for them. Honesty is rising in the air. Truth is being shared.
Without the belief in doomsday, I am here. I lie here. I feel.
Turning the thought around: I am not doomed. Life is worth living. I can go on. We are going on.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
I’m still here. And without a thought about it, I’m looking around, noticing. Nothing is required. Nothing is expected. NOTHING.
I can lie down on the floor all day, and I won’t die most likely. Isn’t that fascinating in itself? Could it be that would be worth it? Why not? What’s “worth it” mean anyway? How would I know?
I see pictures of giving birth to my kids, sharing brilliant conversations with friends, reading incredible books, sobbing at the bedside of my father, feeling the sadness of conflict, running races (literally), pushing to accomplish, seeing a foreign land….all amazing experiences, all drifting into life and then back again into nothingness.
I notice going on is happening, without me having anything to do with it. I notice being doomed is not occurring NOW, in this moment. I notice I find many things in life worthy.
Turning the thought around again: My thinking is doomed. My thinking is not worth living. My thinking can’t go on. My thinking is NOT going on.
I see my thinking stops sometimes. I can see this. I go to sleep for awhile. I forget about my problems for a moment. I notice my thinking can’t be sustained, even the desperate or upset thinking.
Kind of absurd to think about….but what if I was forced to think about how doomed I am, and if I dropped the thought for even a second I’d be eliminated from planet earth (or some other terrible threat)? I still couldn’t do it. I might forget after awhile, by accident.
What if this “thinking” that I’m believing is true is not all there is? And what if it IS doomed? Always coming to an end. Always surrounded by silence.
Another turnaround: Nothing is doomed, including me. What’s important continues, without end. Life goes on.
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
Who would I be without the thought that I am?
Much love,
Grace