Month: October 2015

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Stay With The Shakiness of Someone Not Liking You, It’s Worth It

Teen girl resent
Stabbed in the heart by that person? Staying with the broken, hurt place brings you to your humanity.

One night a week, Mondays, became family dinner night several years ago.

Everyone knows I don’t really like to cook.

I have no trouble with cooking, and I love to eat absolutely anything anyone creates (I have zero pickiness) and I love doing the dishes.

I really do not enjoy trying to figure out what to eat, choose the item, find the recipe, and actually cook or make it.

I’d make a smoothie and feel perfectly happy.

At some point I stopped trying to like to cook.

When my kids were little, I always made dinner every night. I had the same 5 things I created over and over–they were really good.

Creativity was not my interest in this department.

Then divorce happened.

Something kind of gave up trying to do whatever you’re supposed to do around meals.

I dropped the “I should(s)…..”

So after a time of the change in the family configuration, and everything starting all over again without the images in place any more of what it was supposed to look like….

….I thought, hey….my kids can do a meal once a week.

They can pick the recipe, or choose whatever we’re eating, and I’ll buy the food or ingredients.

Mondays.

Family dinner night, even if we do eat together other nights, this one is a For Sure night.

Skip to a decade later.

Only daughter here at home, age 18. Son at college.

(Son loves to cook, by the way, and owns two cookbooks along with kitchen items he bought with his own money).

During the past year, Monday night dinner night has been cancelled and thrown to the wayside many times.

I had reinstated it a few days ago.

My husband and I decided on the food.

I was working with clients until 6:30 pm, but after that…..family dinner night was going to happen!

When I emerged from my last client appointment, she was lying on the couch.

“Let’s get dinner on the table!” I declared.

“What???!!!! I HATE eating after 7 pm!! Why did you wait so long?! The only reason I’m even in this room is because of your Dinner Night or I would be going to BED! Now! I am soooooo exhausted! I can’t stand your food idea either! And why didn’t you start at least cooking already!?!”

Lightening bolt courses through me.

I say with anger….

….”Why didn’t you request a different night, then? It’s not like this is written in stone, especially if it causes so much suffering. Go to bed! Family Dinner Night is off!!”

Daughter storms out.

Sigh.

The feeling of being insulted or disrespected arose so fast in me, like a fire.

Under the surface, I am hurt.

She doesn’t care about me, she doesn’t want to spend time with me (us), she’s mean.

Who would I be without these thoughts?

I’ve been here before, in this inquiry.

I see it and feel immediately what it would be like without the belief she doesn’t like me.

If her words did not mean anything personal, I would realize right now I never really asked her if she would be up for the idea.

I didn’t let her know I’d like to spend time with her.

Honestly, I’m not even sure I liked the idea of cooking (of course I didn’t) or making a production out of it on a Monday night.

I didn’t even ask her if she felt ill, since 7 pm was very early to want to go to bed.

Who would you be without the belief someone doesn’t like you?

Even if they say “I don’t like you” who would you be without the belief that it is really, absolutely true?

I’d see them having their reaction.

I’d be with them as they have it.

I’d connect with the reality of the situation, which is that something I’ve done or said is not computing well with this person.

They’re saying “no”.

That’s it.

I turn the thought around: she does care about me, love me, want to spend time with me. I am mean, disrespectful, insulting….to her, to myself. 

Could any of these be just as true, or truer?

This was another moment in time, an exchange, a place I felt the vulnerability of disappointment, loss, concern….

….a childlike core place of “ouch”.

After doing The Work for awhile in my room, I felt like I was hugging the little raw, exposed part of me.

Moments later I heard daughter came back into the living room, so I stepped out of my room, and I hugged her and stroked her back as big crocodile tears rolled down her cheeks. She told me she was thinking about how much she had to get done.

“To stay with that shakiness–to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge–that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic–this is the spiritual path.” ~ Pema Chodron

In my graduate school program 20 years ago, we had a saying. “It’s not what I do…..it’s what I do next.”

We had t-shirts made with these words on it. Our special reminder, our discovery in imperfection, in feelings, in staying with something, in repair.

My kids teach me this over, and over again.

And everyone who has ever acted like they didn’t like me, or said so.

Thank you.

“Go ahead, climb up onto the velvet top of the highest stakes table. Place yourself as a bet. Look God in the eyes and finally for once in your life, lose.” ~ Adyashanti

Much Love, Grace
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Afraid of the ship sinking when it comes to money?

Fear of going down....no good at sea (in life) especially when it comes to money
Fear of going down….no good at sea (in life) especially when it comes to money

I have to make more money.

Recently I sat in a small inquiry circle and someone brought up this thought.

We decided to take a look and investigate.

As I heard, contemplated, and felt the belief “I have to make more money” I reflected on when I have had this thought in my life to the point of desperation, or terror, or fury, or sadness.

I remembered sitting on my couch in my little cottage about 7 years ago holding my mortgage bill, due in one week.

I had $10.16 in my bank account.

The numbers on the bill said around $2000 was due.

Now.

If not paid within 7 days, it would be late, and a late charge would be added (I had never had this added before in my life).

I googled “foreclosure”.

I found out you have 3 months of not paying before they come in with the sirens, or whatever happens when you “foreclose”.

What you think is your house becomes the bank’s house.

I had been applying for jobs for many months. I had gone to many interviews.

I was waiting to hear from one job in particular. But even if I heard the news “you’re hired!” I wouldn’t have $2000 in 7 days.

It seemed hopeless.

There was absolutely no way to get the money for the mortgage. I would be starting the beginning of the 3-late-payments-to-foreclosure process in a week.

This seemed the most likely scenario, if we’re really being honest here.

I had already borrowed from family, I had taken out loans, I had maxed out a credit card, I had sold most things I owned of worth, I had even tried to sell this house (despite being terribly sad to not have a home)….and not had any offers that would cover my mortgage loan with the sale.

My conversation with the universe went something like…..

….”What else do you want me to DO? I have to keep this house! I have to earn more money!”

The thing is…..

…..I had inquiry in my life.

I knew enough to be aware that I was killing myself internally with the stressful thought that things must go the way I wanted.

Let my will be done.

Notice the key word…..”my”.

Not the will of Reality (if it has a will), not the will of God.

Mine.

Here are some other stressful thoughts I’ve had about money during my lifetime.

You might relate.

  • storing money brings safety and security for the future
  • if I’m not making money, I’m doing something wrong
  • I should care about service I give, not money I receive
  • wealth is having lots of money
  • poverty is lacking money
  • being without money is dangerous
  • the money I have or receive is mine
  • the money I give or pay is theirs
  • money is _______ (see what happens when you describe money)

The stories about money and what it’s doing are so deep, and can be excruciatingly painful, and also, very hidden.

But let’s take a look at that one repetitive thought, the one I remembered having that time sitting on the couch, with a vengeance.

I could still find it existing inside me, just not so intense as before.

I have to make more money.

Is that true?

Yes. Duh. Who doesn’t want more money?

But can I absolutely know it’s true that I have to make more money?

Hmmmm. I may be screaming in my head that I LIKE more money, but not necessarily that I have to make more of it.

I don’t know this to be absolutely true.

But it sounds kinda dumb to even entertain the idea that I don’t have to make it at all.

I mean, what are my other options for obtaining money (note the assumption still alive and well that money must be gotten, or made, or saved, or kept)?

Besides making money…..there’s the lottery, an inheritance, a surprise gift, winning it, money growing on the tree in my back yard (little joke), a trust fund, stumbling upon a hidden buried treasure.

Making money means working for it, trading something valuable for it, offering something worthy for it, doing something important for it, creating something appreciated for it.

It seems practically absolutely true, or waaaaay more likely, that I would make money rather than get it another one of these ways.

Funny how even though we know this, something seems more appealing (you can question this) about the other ways besides earning that people get money.

How do you react when you believe you have to make money, or more of it if you’re already making it?

Super stressful, you may have noticed.

There’s scheming to think of ways to increase your work load, your salary, your time management. Plans to achieve, save, earn, earn, earn, invest, analyze future projections.

You may give up other things you love, like exercising, playing, doing things for no good reason, being artistic, hanging out with friends, dating.

With the thought that you have to earn….you may work your butt off now and think about how later you’ll be resting in retirement.

Some day, you’ll relax.

You may resent something about all this.

No matter how much you have.

All you notice is, the thought brings stress, not peace.

Now…..

…..who would you be without the belief that you have to make more money?

Some people feel frightened of entertaining this idea.

If I gave up the thought I have to earn more money, I would lay on the floor all day eating, dozing off, drooling.

I’d lose everything! I’d live on the street! I wouldn’t be safe! I wouldn’t have health insurance!

Must worry! Must keep nose to grindstone! Must EARN!

But if you really allowed yourself to explore what it would be like to not “have to” earn more money?

You still get to love what you love, without the thought.

It doesn’t mean you have to love being homeless (unless you are, or do).

For me, without the belief I have to earn money…..

…..I simply notice a wild, passionate, excited, sweet, powerful energy of LOVING making contact with money, and humanity, and life.

Call it work, OK.

Every job I’ve ever had has brought me face-to-face with people I needed to find resolve with.

Every job I’ve ever had has pressed me to wake up, invited me to expand beyond the smaller picture I have of myself as someone who can’t handle it.

Every job I’ve ever had invited me to end my stand as a victim, as someone working alone–the sole provider of my own support.

In that moment where I looked at the impossible mortgage bill due, and my midget sized bank account, and could sit without the thought that I needed to make more money….

….I found acceptance, and then, gratitude.

I do not need to make more money. I need to make less money. I need to make more of myself. Money needs to make more of me.

In that situation, the need for money WAS making more of me.

It was inviting me, passionately pleading for me to make more of myself. To trust, honor, love and feel the leadership energy inside myself.

I saw in that moment how it would be an amazing experience to lose my house and move in with my mother, and relax, and accept what was happening.

It was a bit crazy, right after complete and total acceptance of my financial situation, when I was given a gift of my entire mortgage, plus living expenses, from an unexpected and surprise donation from friends and family from literally all over the world for my birthday, which happened to be that week.

(Wait, I don’t get to go through this grand experiment of learning to love moving in with my mom again?)

What thoughts can YOU turn around about money, and all the associated stressful beliefs you think are locked in place forever?

  • storing money does NOT bring ANY safety and security for the future (there is no guaranteed future, not even tomorrow)
    if I’m not making money, I’m thinking something wrong
  • I should care about money and service equally
  • wealth is feeling love, trust, comfort and peace when it comes to anything (including money)
  • poverty is feeling suspicion, distrust, emptiness and stress when it comes to anything (including money)
  • being without money is exciting, being with money is dangerous (sometimes just as true), being with my thinking is dangerous
  • money is not mine or theirs or owned by anyone (it’s flowing in and out like a beautiful tide, and I have my part in it, like breathing air)
  • money is _______ (see what happens when you take all the troubling ways you describe money and turning them to the opposite! My thinking has those difficult qualities!)

“Mankind owns four things that are no good at sea; rudder, anchor, oars, and the fear of going down.” ~ Antonio Machado

Fear of going down….

….this is all I could think about before, holding that mortgage statement in my hand that day before inquiry.

After inquiry, oh good….this is going down.

After inquiry, oh good….a loss becomes something brilliant, unexpected, unplanned, genius.

After inquiry, oh good….feeling the astonishment of money doing whatever it does, and knowing it’s not personal, or required.

“You didn’t make the rain or the sun or the moon. You have no control over your lungs or your heart or your vision or your breath. One minute you’re fine and healthy, the next minute you’re not. When you try to be safe, you live your life being very, very careful, and you may wind up having no life at all.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much Love,
Grace

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I’m buying a ticket to see myself on Thursday

disappointment
How do you react when you believe you can’t go?

“There are NO TICKETS LEFT????”

But!!

I have been planning on driving the 90 minutes north on the freeway for several months to see and hear this man speak!!

It’s already planned! We’re leaving at 3 in the afternoon! I have the whole afternoon/evening blocked off! I’m getting my car oil changed just to drive the 80 miles north!

There’s a picture in my head.

I get in the car with my daughter. We have a smooth drive north, greeting my son at his apartment, going to get some yummy dinner somewhere, and then going to the university campus to hear the inspiring and curious man talk.

I just finished his book on the airplane a month ago, reading, reading, reading…..(Die Wise by Stephen Jenkinson).

The whole flight from London to Vancouver I was loving that book.

Pausing to put the book down, eyes tearing up, considering the awesome topic: Death.

I didn’t know he would sell out an entire auditorium!

Where was this announced? Why wasn’t I informed?

Who’s organizing things around here?

(They did it wrong since I am not on the list for entry–chuckle).

Here comes the little voice within. A high-pitched protest, and honestly I can’t even hardly muster more than a split second of arguing with what is, but it is there.

Yes, it is there.

This news.

It all happens in literally about 3 seconds.

Reading the words SOLD OUT.

A flare goes up.

The next thoughts of solving the “problem”.

Who is selling the tickets? Is there a box office? What if I try to buy a ticket from someone who can’t use theirs, on my way in…..like for rock concerts or the Seahawks?

But I have two young adult children I want to go WITH me and THEY want to go, too. Three tickets is harder than one. But I could go alone if its that frickin’ important.

Think, think, think. (Blah, blah, blah).

Outcomes of future image possibilities flashing behind my eyes.

I research a moment, send one email.

She replies back…..yep…..SOLD OUT. Sorry ‘bout that.

But here’s the wonderful thing about inquiry.

No trying to make anything happen, or trying to make the outcome different….

….the thought simply arises like a balloon over the whole flurry of “this is not good”….

….maybe I’m meant to stay home Thursday next week.

Or, maybe I still drive to visit my son, with my daughter, and we have dinner and wander on over to the venue just to see, no expectations. And we get home at a reasonable hour if there’s no chance to hear the lecture.

Who knows?

I relax.

Let’s see where this goes.

Maybe I’ve been spared, for all I know.

Who would you be without the belief that what you want is the best for you, next Thursday?

I mean, seriously?

I notice this same author is coming back to my area in the northwest US next spring. I notice I am not teaching a retreat or workshop that day.

I notice the event is the same topic, but six hours instead of two.

Maybe I’ll go.

But it’s not required, I also notice.

Why do I think being in this author’s presence sounds so thrilling?

(You can do this work if you have a crush on someone, or want to go to a workshop with someone you admire, or feel left out at work, or want to be praised by your boss….anything).

Why do I want to go?

Well. I love contemplating existence, and non-existence, and caring for others who are in pain or dying. I love contemplating my own departure from this form.

I love opening to life, and death, and temporary, and permanent.

I think he knows a lot about these things. He’s hung out with a lot of people who are “dying”. I got to do that, too, for five years.

So my energy gravitated naturally towards spending time in a contemplation with someone else, and a whole room full of people, all of whom want to lean all the way in to this inquiry about life and death, and wise-ness.

It sounds wonderful.

So why do you want to hang out with the person you’ve got an eye on?

Turn the thought around: I need to buy a ticket to an event with myself next Thursday. I do not neeeeeeeeeed to buy a ticket to see the author next Thursday. I need to buy a ticket to whatever Thursday is, wherever I am, and whoever I’m actually with.

These are just as true, or truer.

I need to contemplate death, and life, and laughter, and tears.
I do not need to go, unless I do (and so far, it’s not at all necessary, obviously).
Do you notice, when you turn something around like this, that your mind might say “but, it’s not as fun or good or enlightening or sexy or pleasurable when it’s me, myself and I”?
Are you sure?
“Skip the middle man!” ~ Byron Katie
 
Next Thursday, since the afternoon is already blocked off on my calendar (for like, two months, may I remind you)….
….since my calendar is blocked off….how could I enter an evening of open contemplation and curiosity about death, hospice, declining body, exiting, and my own deepest knowing that I will die wise?
Hmmmm, this could be really good, no matter what.
“The master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao Te Ching #7
Much Love, Grace
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Eating Peace: if you judge anger or fear…you’ll keep eating them

It’s not breaking news that feelings of anger and fear fuel compulsive or obsessive behavior with food (or other substances).

But maybe you haven’t realized what you actually believe about feeling angry, or feeling afraid.

If you want to destroy, crush, consume, hide, repress or make anger and fear invisible….

….and never feel them again….

….then you’ll keep eating (or starving yourself).

Here’s what happened with me that changed everything:
Eating Peace: Trying NOT to change your anger or fear will help you and heal you
Peace,
Grace
P.S. Eating Peace Online starts November 17. We meet Tuesdays and Wednesdays live (9-10:30 am Pacific time) but all recordings are included and you can watch webinars, and listen. Change your thinking, change your eating.

 

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A Stiff, Inflexible Mind Gets Softened by Taxes

angry
Taxed by your thinking? Do The Work!

Rats.

I got a tax bill.

I know it’s not April 15th which is the United States tax due date.

For the second time ever in my life, I allowed an accounting firm to do my taxes, and for the first time, I filed an extension six months ago.

I had been doing them myself for my whole life. Even in my previous marriage, I always did the taxes. I kind of liked getting Turbo Tax and entering the data, finishing the project.

But in the past, I never owed much.

I often either broke even, or had a small payment, or got some money back.

Last year, I received an audit letter that I owed the government $30,000.

Yes, of course it was a big fat mistake!! I didn’t!!

But I didn’t like seeing those huge numbers written on the same page as IRS.

With an anxious heart (and a trickle of self-inquiry initially) I searched in my emails for a newsletter. I’ve been on this woman’s email newsletter list for 7 years, since I heard her speak very eloquently at a meeting for small service businesses, before I even had one.

Her accounting firm quickly helped me re-do my 2013 taxes (the year in question).

Turns out I put one thing on the wrong line, and it doubled my income.

The taxes were amended, and resubmitted, and guess what IRS?

Yeah, that’s right!

I overpaid in 2013 once everything was completely overhauled by a professional.

Now, YOU owe ME some money, IRS!!

So of course, I decided to stick with this much better, clearer plan with the experts and have the accounting firm do my 2014 taxes, too.

I asked my husband to be the primary go-between so I wouldn’t have to focus on it.

It made me nervous to have other people doing my taxes, after all those years.

Receipts, credit card bills, bank account withdrawals, checks….

….such an exposure and story of what I spend, what I earn, what my values are, who I appear to be as a person, what I care about, where the money goes.

(What if they think I spend too much going to silent meditation retreats? Can’t a person take some workshops once in awhile, I mean come on!)

But then.

After everything is added up.

I owe.

Not just a small check. Like, a big one.

Wait…..what?

Are you sure you did it right, accounting people?

I ask my husband what he included, all the work he did to gather everything together….Are you sure you didn’t miss some deductions?

Yep.

Fume.

Husband says something like “Hey! It’s a good thing! It means you’re doing fabulous and successful and rocking it!”

Seriously? Fume.

Send electronic transfer. To the IRS.

Images of Those People spending all my money on weapons. And other dumb things.

I could USE this money.

Sigh.

Who would I be without the belief it is too much, I shouldn’t have to pay, they’ll use it badly, this is an outrage?

Who would I be without the belief that this is a threat??

(Now where’s that information a friend sent me last year about protestors who refuse to pay taxes, I suddenly much more interested).

Stop.

Who would I be?

Am I really going to go off on grabbing tightly to every dollar bill that comes near me?

Do I really need to raise complaints about money going and coming?

Can I actually just imagine for a little while what it’s like without the belief that money must always, always stay with me and never, ever go away?

Am I that needy and co-dependent and grabby and desperate and tense and lost?

Over numbers and green pieces of paper?

What would it feel like to Not Believe in the Greatness of Money?

I’d be noticing that moments after I sent my taxes to the IRS, I dialed in to Year of Inquiry group and we investigated some powerfully stressful thoughts.

They weren’t about money at all.

I notice nothing in the room has changed. Absolutely nothing. There is nothing less in my environment after the digits went from something I’m calling “mine” to something I’m calling “IRS”.

I turn the thought around: I did not get a tax bill. It’s awesome that a tax bill arrived, and I paid it. My thinking got taxed, and has essentially been taxed when it comes to beliefs about money for much of my life. 

OK, well….examples: I earned the most money I’ve ever earned in my life in one year. Including all the jobs I’ve ever had. Wow. Maybe my husband was right, that’s cool now that I think about it.

My thinking has been so taxed when it comes to money: getting, keeping, holding, losing, suffering and feeling frightened. It’s practically burned itself to the ground with so much worry.

In fact, my thinking did burn itself right down to the ground, and the money followed, I began from complete scratch about ten years ago.

I investigated like a mothah-f&$#%h and I found that my joy is not dependent on money, and that I can lose almost everything and still be here.

Alive, free, breathing in the deep cool air.

I’ve learned that people are incredibly caring and supportive, and they helped me climb out of debt, and encouraged me to keep going and keep noticing what I have instead of what I lack when it comes to money.

Friends and relatives supported me and sent me aid, in love and in money.

And while I still feel a pull to stressful thinking, like fear that I shouldn’t even tell you I had a tax bill yesterday, or I shouldn’t talk about making money because that’s rude and I’ll appear better off than I am or something….

….inside I feel a gentle smile.

A place that lives without needing money, or love, or people, or attention, or security, or health, or my definition of a good life, or vigilance about safety, or anything outside of what is.

“Believing that what you want equals what’s best for you is a dead end. It makes the mind stiff, inflexible, caught in a picture of reality, rather than open to the wisdom of the way of it. What is, is immovable, and it’s constantly changing, it flows like water, it has as many supple, beautiful forms as the mind can create–an infinity of forms–and inside them all, behind them all, it just waits.The heart doesn’t move, it just waits. You don’t have to listen to it, but until you do, you’re going to hurt.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

The truth for me, the one that doesn’t move, sees that the amount of money I’ve had throughout my life has been genius.

 

Not too much. Not too little.

 

Mine. Theirs. Coming. Going.

 

The brilliant fortune of being with people from other places with hardly enough food to eat….to being with people with immense quantities of money….to being in the middle, nothing special.

 

The mind has many, supple beautiful forms and I feel the comfortableness of every way.

 

Even taxes.

 

Much Love, Grace
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Death has a terrible reputation

candleblownoutAre you subscribed to Peace Talk Podcast? It comes out fresh on Mondays. Leave a rating and a review….it really helps spread the word.

Yesterday I told a little story on Peace Talk.

It was from a time I vividly remembered in 2004.

I was wanting something part-time to do for work. I had been working as an editor from home for awhile, with two little kids.

I was restless.

This wasn’t restless for employment, although we could use the money for sure….I wanted something I couldn’t put my finger on.

I had read Loving What Is the previous winter, and gone to see Byron Katie when she visited Seattle.

(What’s going on around here? What does this all mean? Who am I? Hello Universe, where to now? What is mind? What is peace? Am I missing something?) 

A month later I was sitting in a wet, rainy, mostly empty parking lot late morning on a Tuesday.

The windshield wipers thumping back and forth.

This was the first real live interview for my new job working on a research project for people in hospice care.

I was visiting a woman on hospice, about my age, with breast cancer.

That’s about all I knew…..although that’s quite a bit.

I turned off my engine, and ran quickly for shelter under the covered pathway with a row of condominium entrances.

I sat with this woman for about an hour, holding my laptop computer and asking her many questions.

She teared up once or twice while speaking, holding a crushed tissue in her hand the entire time.

When I left, my heart was very heavy.

I felt so sad. Almost afraid, like I wasn’t enough, or this was all too much.

My mind raced with thoughts.

Including….maybe I’ll go tell them this isn’t the job for me.

Even though they just trained me for several weeks, I love the team I’m working with, and something feels exactly right about what I’m doing.

Funny how that can happen in about 90 seconds.

I’m outta here.

But even though I experienced a swell of grief about what people endure in human life, it was almost too big to “do” anything about.

Nothing truly horrible had happened.

I was simply feeling.

Have you ever had the idea you gotta ditch something or someone?

I’ll quit. I’ll say I’m sick. I’ll cross the road if she’s coming down the street. I’ll move to the other side of the meeting hall from those people. I’ll dance on the opposite edge of the dance floor from him. I won’t pick up her call.

Sometimes, if you feel a great dilemma or angst about it, like you’re not REALLY sure (as in, you know it’s not right to ditch) you may feel like doing something else.

Like eating.

Or drinking.

Or smoking.

I highly recommend sinking in to the dilemma, the agony, the torn feeling, and questioning your troubling thoughts.

Well, OK. I’m recommending this, once again, to myself.

Death is frightening.

Is it true?

I don’t really know. At all.

But the leading up to death, like my friend who just died of breast cancer, didn’t look very good.

It hurt her so much just to cry. She was in awful pain. It just seemed so, so, so…..sad.

Why?

She is gone, is that true?

I am frightened, is that true?

It’s sad to have limited time here, is that true?

I’m not sure. Not sure. Sooooo not sure.

I cannot know any of these are true. I cannot know they are NOT true. I don’t even get what’s true.

How do I react when I believe death is frightening?

I feel loss. I miss my dad.

I want to cling to people who are alive who are close to me.

I feel needy, uncertain, confused. I have images of the length of time I myself have left available to me.

Is it 6 years….the same age as my friend who just died, or my father?

Is it 25 years, like my own mother who acts and looks like she’s got another 25 still?

Is it 8? 15? 40?

Funny how we don’t know, although some ways of going would be far, far less surprising than others.

And this is all based on stories. Past experiences. People very close to me. DNA stories.

Who would I be without the belief that death is frightening?

What an astonishing inquiry.

Who would I actually BE without this thought, as I sit in the presence of someone who has days to live? As I remember my father’s last breath so many years ago? As I think about the death of those I love so much….my family, my partner, my children, my mother, me?

“When you go deep enough to the formless, the dreadful is no longer dreadful, it’s sacred. Then you will experience the two levels, when somebody dies who is close to you. Yes it’s dreadful on the level of form. It’s sacred on the deeper level. Death can enable you to find that dimension in yourself. You’re helping countless other humans if you find that dimension in yourself – the sacred dimension of life. Death can help you find the sacred dimension of life – where life is indestructible.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the belief in death being frightening, or wrong, or awful….
….I must admit that something comes back to presence right here, right now, the buzzing life force within, a place deep inside, a sinking feeling place without sounds.
It’s very quiet.
It’s here even as a jet flies overhead and makes noise in the dark night outside, as the refrigerator hums, as the clock says “late” and my body wants to sleep.
What is sleep?
Isn’t it funny how we enter this oblivion, a shutting down out of consciousness, every single night?
I am not afraid of sleep…..could this be how it would be to not be afraid of death?
Why not.
I turn the thought around: Death is NOT frightening, it’s exciting. Life is frightening. My thinking is frightening.
These could be just as true, or truer.
Especially the “thinking” part.
“Since before time and space were, the Tao is. It is beyond IS and IS NOT. How do I know this is true? I look inside myself and see.” ~ Tao Te Ching #21
“Death has a terrible reputation.” ~ Byron Katie
When you leave retreat, are you still on retreat? The light's blown out, but you are still home.
When you leave retreat, are you still on retreat? The light’s blown out, but you are still home.
Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Cancer Support Group Seattle begins October 21 Weds 6-7:30 pm for 8 weeks. Any stage of cancer or remission welcome.

 

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She’s interrupting me!

She’s interrupting me!

Have you ever been annoyed, or frightened, by an interruption?

You’re in the middle of watching a movie and CLUNK BANG ROLL….you hear a noise outside on your front porch.

What’s that?

(Everything in your body goes on alert, you need to investigate).

Or what about driving in traffic, and here comes an ambulance with lights flashing and you have to pull over….and you’re running late already.

Or you’re having a conversation, and your friend talks right over your words saying how OMG I had that happen too (!)….but you didn’t finish your story yet.

Or, you’re on the phone and your kids come racing into the room….mom! mom! mom!

Or maybe you’re running a retreat, someone is doing The Work on something deeply personal….and another participant shows up very late and enters the room right in the middle of the process.

(Not that I would know about that as in this past weekend).

But let’s investigate.

This thing (called interruption–maybe a zero, maybe a ten on the scale of seriousness) happened. A sound, a movement, a major change, a redirection of the focus.

Awareness in once place moves rather suddenly to another place, and it was not how you pictured it, not what you prefer.

What are your thoughts about that interruption?

I’m talking about the uncomfortable, stressful ones.

The meanings you give this moment. Your feelings that are not feelings of peace.

He is so rude, he always talks too much. Let me finish! Why do they always get the right-of-way? It’s too noisy. Something horrible is happening. I am afraid. This is soooo irritating.

Or one of my personal favorites…..REALLY?

What a powerful moment.

What a common moment.

Life is not following my orders for what I KNOW is peaceful.

This shouldn’t be happening. It would be much better (I am sure of it) if this “interruption” wasn’t occurring.

Is that true?

Damn straight it’s true.

But pause a moment.

Consider this incredible question and your true answer.

You might still say “yes, absolutely true.”

But I find when I wonder if this is absolutely permanently 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt TRUE….that this shouldn’t be happening….I really don’t know.

How the hell would I know?

Seriously.

And it’s OK if everything in your entire system screams that YES, this shouldn’t be happening and it would be so much better if it wasn’t happening.

I love how there’s not a correct way to answer this question. You get to answer, for yourself only.

I see how I react.

A flurry of energy rises from my gut up into my chest. My eyes are tight and I squint. Everything about my whole body and persona becomes braced, depending on the level of fear or fury about the interruption.

This experience is interrupting my life.

MY LIFE.

It’s a terrible world. I am not protected. It’s hopeless.

SEE….it happened again. Interruption. The worst kind.

Here’s a profound question to ask. The fourth question offered by The Work of Byron Katie.

A big, wide, strange, expansive question.

Maybe you never considered it before. Or not in this particular situation. Not this one, no.

Who would you be without the thought that you are being interrupted and it’s horrible, nasty, mean, intrusive, wrong, violating?

This is not to say that you’re supposed to like what happened, or feel smooth and breezy when things like this happen.

The mind will say “BUT…what are you saying????!!!! That this was OK???!!! It was NOT GOOD, NOT OK!! I know it!! It sucked!!”

The mind loves to jump to what this means for all time: That you’d be condoning this interruption, excusing this interruption, even enjoying this interruption.

The mind says to be very careful because that interruption in your life really was awful, so don’t forget how awful.

Think about it all the time. Build your life protecting yourself. Make sure it never, ever happens again. 

And by the way, you are the innocent victim and the universe dished you up a shit sandwich. Bad universe. Bad life. Bad circumstances.

Bad.

This question is for you, so you can find out what it would be like to not have that thought and belief screaming at you all the time.

So that you can use your imagination to consider what it might be like to not play the horror movie over again in your head of what happened.

Who would you be without the belief, right now, wherever you can find it, that this was an interruption such that you are not able to live a normal, happy life, or a productive, successful, peaceful day?

Some ideas that come to mind about NOT thinking it was an interruption (no matter how big or small)….

….might be about the dangers of not thinking that thought.

Like….without the belief I was interrupted, how will anyone ever know to quit speaking when I’m telling a story? I wouldn’t speak up, make requests, set boundaries.

No, I have to believe the thought I was interrupted, so I fight for my rights!

Yeah.

I would get very hurt again without my story that there are interruptions in the world and in my life, and they’re awful.

But let’s just say…..it doesn’t mean you’re going to get hurt if you drop the thought “interruptions are terrible”.

I notice in my own life that when I believe I need to be vigilant, cautious, and protective of myself….

….I live a smaller life.

I live very carefully. I DON’T actually speak up. I run away.

So that’s already happening anyway….WITH the thought that interruption is horrible, bad and wrong.

This is only using imagination to wonder what it would be like to not have this thought?

It’s not jumping to other conclusions about the enormous dangers of letting down your guard.

Because what I notice is….I have NO IDEA what is going to happen today.

Not really.

I can’t build a fortress big enough to prevent interruptions.

Very difficult things happen. Traumatic things. Weird, totally strange, unexpected things.

Who would I be without the belief they are un-healable, absolutely wrong, evil, un-handle-able?

Who would I be without the belief this should not ever, ever happen or I should have controlled it, if it did?

Who would I be without believing the thought “interruptions are awful and must be stopped.”

I would relax, in this moment now.

I would notice that this moment now, there is no interruption.

I would notice, the interruption ended.

It’s over.

In the dictionary, interruption is defined as a break in the continuity.

The continuity of….what exactly?

Not being surprised? An uneventful life? Things being the same way over and over again?

Even if the interruption was huge and difficult and life-changing….

….am I absolutely sure my life was ONE particular way prior to this interruption (and I’m certain it was the BEST way)?

I turn the thought around: she is NOT interrupting me! I am interrupting myself (especially when she interrupts)! I am interrupting her!

Could any of these be as true, or truer?

And in the end….is not interruption the usual way of it?

What was I expecting?….

….a steady pace of something that never startled me, irritated me, surprised me, shocked me, changed my life, taught me, derailed me, stopped me, destroyed me, silenced me, brought me to The Great Wide Open Mystery?

REALLY?

Much Love,

Grace

Eating Peace Online starts Tuesdays, November 17-Feb 9 (no class 12/8 & week #6 on Monday 12/28). Very in-depth online webinar program, with The Work of Byron Katie on Wednesdays 11/18-2/10 AND 2 individual sessions for everyone enrolled…to take your through your life and the holidays with eating.

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What If You Aren’t The One Who’s Doing It?

I am truly overwhelmed and honored by all the emails, facebook head chats, messages, texts and a few in-person thank-you’s letting me know the Eating Peace webinar was meaningful, helpful and genuinely inspiring last night.

I wound up recording it (slightly accidental).

Click here (to my cooooool intro page I learned how to create all by myself) enter your email and you’ll receive everything you need to watch the webinar in your Inbox. If you don’t want to remain on the Eating Peace mailing list after you get it, just unsubscribe at the bottom, no biggie.

**********

It’s exciting when something works out better than you ever imagined, right?

Yay, this is good….says the inner commentator.

The feeling within is alive, excited, thrilled.

Maybe you have the thought “I made it!” or “I did it!”

But I notice sometimes stressful ideas and feelings may follow on the heals of judging things as “good”.

It’s called “I have to keep this now.”

The mind follows a line of thinking that goes something like:

Cool. I got this. Hey, let’s raise the bar now. Get to the “next level”. Achieve, accomplish, keep the success going, push through it, now 10x this thing!

(Picture a British drill sergeant yelling “GO GO GO!! Look Alive!! Look Alive!!!”)

Even if you’re not that intense, how strange the movement of thinking so quickly orients to holding on to what you got, making sure you don’t lose. You’re managing yourself and your surroundings.

The other day I heard a good friend say “I don’t want to talk about getting the new job, cause I don’t want to jinx it.”

So cute, really.

We get so superstitious.

What I’m doing, saying, thinking could make something topple, or stay with me, or move against me, or support me.

Can’t get toooooo excited, or I might wind up disappointed later!

Dang.

It’s so much WORK.

But who would you be without the belief that you did it (whatever wonderful thing it was)?

This is really un-hitching yourself from the idea that someone is to blame….including for the good stuff.

I’m not taking away the accomplishment, or suggesting you’re not as competent, or that you didn’t work super hard to get somewhere, or that you weren’t the one practicing, learning, creating.

(Or am I?)

This is simply a little exploration in noticing that even getting what you think you want sometimes isn’t all its cracked up to be.

I’ve worked with so many clients in sessions or retreats who dream of lots of money, or being thin, or being healthy, or finding a mate, or having a rock star business, or becoming president (well, OK, not one person has ever told me they wanted to be president).

Nothing wrong with any of these….

….but who would we be WITHOUT the belief that I am the one who must push, make, try, grab, fight, or drive something into happening?

Do you notice the pressure that can happen with believing you are the one in charge?

And how the thought is very long-standing and has been around a long time that your life is up to YOU?!

Who would you be without this belief….in a good way?

I notice I feel very connected to the world.

All the people who have supported me, all the steps and lessons and teachers and hard times and easy times. My heart beating, my lungs going in and out, without me telling them how to do it.

I’d feel this moment right now, full of appreciation.

I’d thank my mind for thinking, thinking, thinking so very much and believing so many thoughts that it practically shorted out like an electrical current.

I just wouldn’t be against myself, without the belief that my-life-is-up-to-me-so-I-better-work-my-ass-off.

Very aware that there is not an individual solo me here running the show.

I turn the thought around: I did not do it.

It was done. It did me. 

Somehow all forces of the universe converged, and I was there, and it happened.

I wasn’t in command, much as the mind would like to think I was. Not the one or the thing at the helm, not the one in charge, not the do-er of it all.

No way. Impossible.

Can you find the lightness in letting go of the drive to get there, get it, achieve it?

This doesn’t mean lie down on the floor and do nothing.

I notice I rarely want to do that (although I did today for awhile….right down on the floor, on the red floral carpet….it was a good position for some reason).

It just means my hands are open and relaxed, and nothing is required.

Ahhhhhhh. Awe-some.

“One day I noticed I wasn’t breathing–I was being breathed.” ~ Byron Katie

Let the show play on!

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Wow, we are starting at 9:30 am this morning in north Seattle (Kenmore) with three days of Eating Peace. There’s room for you, if something in your heart says YES. If you’re scared to try, just come. Hit reply and let me know, I’ll send you the address.

 

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I Need More Sleep

Do you believe, absolutely, you need more sleep? Try questioning this thought, instead of believing it’s true.

I need more sleep.

Some people think this thought so many times, their despair is deep and their frustration very intense.
Have you ever awakened in the night?
Or had trouble going to sleep?
When I went to the School for The Work, followed by the immediate news that my then-husband wanted a divorce….
….I had the most wild mixture of new thoughts about the universe and reality I was completely riding at the top of an electric shock, it seemed.
It was oddly not completely stressful all the time.
The world looked new.
I had The Work to question my thoughts. I would write long worksheets, and talk with new friends on the phone to do The Work, and return again and again to noticing I was fine….
….and again and again to noticing I was terrified, or enraged, or abandoned.
I woke up every night at 3:30 am for 9 months.
No matter what time I went to sleep.
I was *positive* I needed more sleep, I needed to stay asleep, that nothing good was coming from it, that it was a requirement for my wellbeing and health.
I began to worry that it would never end.
I felt dizzy sometimes, like the world was water and I was on a boat, as if my balance was off and I might fall.
But I didn’t fall.
During that time, I was up one night during a weekend with Byron Katie all about relationships.
I was spending the night in a hotel room with a dear friend, and so as not to disturb her, I went into the glaring well-lit bathroom and sat on the closed toilet seat and wrote at the top of a piece of paper:
I must go to sleep. 
 
Then, I began to do The Work and question this belief.
Today, I notice because of the creative work I’m adding to my day (a webinar on Eating Peace, a 3 day retreat this coming weekend, enrolled in 3 classes, and quite a big load of clients and telecalls) I stayed up until 12:30 am last night.
I’m sure I need more sleep, in this moment.
I can feel the urge to close the eyes, the energy of what lying down would feel like.
I can picture what it would be like to have more sleep, to feel vibrant, energetic, and calm all wrapped up together (not nervous, zippy, and too-speedy and drained).
A voice inside says (when I believe the thought I need more sleep) that I should stop complaining.
“You’ll be OK. Sleep later. Stop whining!”
(I notice this is not a super helpful voice).
So who would I be in this moment, right now, without the belief that I actually really do need more sleep?
What if I didn’t have a reference for more sleep, less sleep, perfect sleep, requirements for sleep?
What if the amount of sleep I’ve gotten is just right?
Weird.
It doesn’t seem true.
It seems like 8 hours of sleep would be fabulous, that resting deeply would be really, really good.
But if I just allowed that to go on the shelf for a minute, and relax without the belief I need more of sleep (or anything)?
I feel the body, I feel my chest and heart beating. I notice sensations in my eyes, my face without judgment that they’re bad sensations.
I see the time and notice I can slow down.
I’d let things be as they are in this moment.
Some days, sleep. Some days, no sleep.
It is never All-Not-Sleeping. It is never All-Sleep-All-The-Time.
Turning the thought around: I do NOT need more sleep.
 
How could this be just as true?
Are there any advantages to this state of sleep/body/rest?
Yes: I love the dark night when no one else is up, when the air is very still and quiet (or early morning). I love that my thoughts get to rise up and appear very obviously, not hidden by activity during the day. I love that I can trust that if I’m awake, I should be for some important reason–and think with delight of sleeping later. I love that my body can do such brilliant energetic things without much sleep.
I love discovering the OTHER stressful beliefs appear about my life, in the absence of sleep…..
…..like “I am abandoned” or “this needs to be fabulous” or “I need more people to come to my retreat” like I have had recently.
Turning the thought around again: My thinking needs more sleep.
 
Wow. Now THAT thought is true….oh so true….oh so truer.
My thinking (my believing) needs to be resting, lying down, fading into oblivion, pausing, dreaming peacefully, unencumbered, relaxed, still, quiet, comatose, knocked out, dark, slumbering, silent.
I notice my thoughts appear, but I don’t have to think they’re true.
“You can’t change your thoughts. No one can. That’s not possible. I am suggesting that you just investigate your thoughts and meet them with some understanding. Sleep deprivation is not hurting you. It’s your THINKING that is so painful…..It amazes me how people think we have some control here. It’s very painful to think that.” ~ Byron Katie
Who are you without your story that you need more sleep, or more time, or more energy, or more love, attention, comfort….whatever it is you think you’re missing?
As I finish this Grace Note, I notice I have 90 minutes until the next scheduled thing on my calendar.
Oh! I’ll go lie down now and close my eyes, instead of filling up the minutes with “work” and activity and “getting something done”.
Funny how that happens.
Much Love,

Grace

Last chance, we start tomorrow: Seattle Eating Peace. To learn more click here or hit reply and ask.

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Are You Too Quiet Sometimes? Speaking Up PLUS Eating Peace Webinar

Filled with regret
I should have spoken up

Today, I put together a free webinar. (Finishing touches still underway, it’ll be raw and unedited and live, tomorrow at 5 pm Pacific Time).

The webinar is: Five Brutal Beliefs to Question if you Want Eating Peace. 

But really, anyone can consider these beliefs and take them to inquiry.

You don’t have to have ever had a single compulsive bite of food.

Most people have experienced a compulsive bite of thought, however.

What do I mean by compulsive thought?

The dictionary defines compulsion as riveting, fascinating, compelling, gripping, engrossing, enthralling, captivating, irresistible, uncontrollable, overwhelming, urgent, obsessive.

Have you ever noticed your thoughts have to have this kind of energy before you actually DO something compulsive?

It’s like this: I have a thought and I believe it’s real and true.

It happens in two milliseconds flat.

Even though it makes me feel anxious, sad, angry, or unhappy….

….I’m a believer.

It doesn’t cross my mind to question whether or not the idea was true, or to question my conclusions, or the stressful things I’m imagining.

Nope, I simply decided without question what that person said about me, or what happened, or what will happen, and what I’m feeling, are threatening.

What’s happening isn’t good.

Help! Help! Help!

(Cut to chicken running around with head cut off).

Most people when they get scared, and they don’t know how to, or remember to, inquire into their mind running the show….

….then begin to do everything possible to CALM DOWN.

Compulsion, addiction, temporary insanity, craving, urges, driven, wild, frenzied, wanting, needy, desperate, grabbing, crying, wailing, screaming, self-pity….

….oh boy.

The drama! The excitement!

And I know….the extreme suffering.

We can joke around about the experience of compulsive behavior, but it’s not really that funny if you’re in the middle of it.

I can even look back at my past life 30 years ago and feel sad that it was so hard.

(But I did question once “I ruined and lost my twenties” and found it was not true).

So who would you be without believing your mind is telling the truth?

I know this is an enormously huge question, and might make some a bit skittish.

(How will I know what’s true if I don’t have a mind? How will I protect myself if I don’t believe what I’m thinking? How will I be sane, or safe, if I don’t believe my stories?)

But it’s sooooo interesting and wonderful and exciting to imagine the freedom.

To notice you ARE the freedom.

Today, as it happens sometimes, not only was an individual client questioning thoughts about speaking up, but the Year of Inquiry group was as well.

We looked at the concept: “she shouldn’t have said that in front of everyone”.

I could find a situation immediately where a co-worker spoke up to our boss during a meeting, saying something about me I felt very embarrassed about….”Grace comes in late all the time, and makes lots of mistakes.”

She shouldn’t have said that.

I remember the feeling I had. The red hot face, the shame, the absolute rage at her later on.
Inside my head I was saying “I HATE HER!!!”
And to my friends, too.
Who would I be without the belief that co-worker so long ago shouldn’t have accused me, shouldn’t have said that?
Noticing how very safe I was, and supported. Noticing how kind our supervisor was, and clear. Noticing I never got fired, or reprimanded badly, and I got a raise later on and cleaned up my schedule and my too-speedy work.
She called me, in fact, to a more confident, clear, directed version of ME.
She should have said that.
 
Woah. True.
Turning the thought around again: I shouldn’t have said that.
 
The inquirer on our group call said “Well, I didn’t say anything!” So her examples were more about what she said to others, or said in her own mind, or said to herself.
But then we found a really juicy other turnaround, that very much fit in this particular situation: I shouldn’t have stayed quiet.
 
Who was believing, immediately, without question, that she was wrong, or being shamed, or being charged with a crime, or stupid, or hated?
That was ME.
The fear was immediate and burned deeply…..I am not good enough, she doesn’t like me, something terrible is going to happen, I can’t speak up.
None of these things were ever said out loud, at all.
Ever.
Just a few simple other words (which in my case were completely accurate).
If you’re the type of person who is too quiet, sometimes….
….you may want to explore why.
Perhaps it really WAS safer to stay quiet and not speak up (in which case, good for you for making a wise choice).
But if you’re still worried when someone confronts you, you may want to do some deep inquiring, and see if what you’re believing is actually true.
To practice living this turnaround today, I got this idea to do the webinar I mentioned.
It may not be perfect, I may fall over my words, I might not get my point across clearly, you might think my voice is dorky, the pictures or slides may not make total sense….
….but that’s what you risk when you speak up.
You risk having it go very badly (chuckling now).
Turning it all around in the most remarkable way to imagine the future without suffering:
I am willing to speak up and someone saying I shouldn’t have.
I look forward to speaking up and someone saying I shouldn’t have.
It could definitely happen.
“‘But Katie, someone might say, ‘isn’t fear biological? Isn’t it necessary for the fight-or-flight response? I can see not being afraid of a growling dog, but what if you were in an airplane that was going down–wouldn’t you be very scared?’ Here’s my answer: ‘Does your body have a fight-or-flight response when you see a rope lying on the path ahead of you? Absolutely not–that would be crazy. Only if you imagine that the rope is a snake does your heart start pounding. It’s your thoughts that scare you into flight-or-flight–not reality.”~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
If you’d like to join my webinar tomorrow, Wednesday at 5 pm Pacific Time, then click this link here to register (kinda proud of my art work creation webinar page registration, so much fun to learn).
Click Here To Register for Eating Peace (Thinking Peace) webinar.
Watch my introduction here:
Much Love,

Grace

Room for plenty more still, starting Friday, with 3 days of Eating Peace. Clean up your inside thoughts, clean up your eating. October 9-11, 2015. For more information, click here.