It was bound to appear.
It’s been awhile after all, since I had this thought.
This project should be done by now! I will not give up until it’s finished!
I had been working on technical stuff with itunes and editing audio for my Peace Talk podcast interview (I have another good one coming at the end of this week…..IF I get the tech figured out).
It was hard to set it down, though, and take a break.
I needed to stand up, instead of remaining seated for another hour.
My body needed to move.
It was five hours ago that I went to the gym and I was so into finishing this dang thing I didn’t even drink more water when I started getting thirsty about an hour ago.
It’s weird how I’ll get like a dog with a bone.
I’ve almost got it, getting up to refill my water bottle will interrupt my flow. I’m SURE I’ll figure it out soon.
Impossible, it seems, to put the project down…..unfinished.
The thing is, what I know about getting hooked onto an outcome and driving it into the ground is….
….the equal and opposite experience of yelling “I QUIT!” comes into play as a possibility.
This occurs with projects, diets, self-improvement plans, dreams for the future.
The more extreme and brutal, the more intense and determined, the more you ignore basic needs or staying in balance, the greater the chance that the opposite energy appears as a good option.
Sometimes, it’s a relief.
But other times it keeps a swing-cycle going of hard discipline, then hard procrastination and throwing out the project altogether or putting it on pause indefinitely.
Yesterday in Summer Camp for the Mind, one of our inquiries was on just this sort of idea.
A Summer Camper had the thought when waking up at 5 am….
….I should get up and meditate right now. Keep my practice going. It was so good at the monastery this past weekend, and now it’s Monday and I need to get that same feeling, follow the momentum.
Or else.
I’ll never….
….(fill in the blank on your rotton or lousy future if you don’t do or complete or accomplish or practice this thing).
What’s the worst that could happen, if I don’t figure out how to edit this dang interview?
I won’t get to share it.
I’ll have to do it all over again.
I’ll have to create a new Peace Talk for Friday and start from scratch.
Time will have been wasted.
I won’t ACHIEVE. I won’t succeed!
The thought our summer camp group actually worked was “it is too hard.”
Too hard to get up out of bed, too hard to stay on the diet, too hard to quit feeling anxious, too hard to deal with money, too hard to figure out the stupid technology, too hard to do that thing you’d really love to do.
But who would you be without the belief that what you want, or what you desire, or what you imagine for your future, or what you’ve planned is too hard for you?
Maybe there’s another possibility?
Maybe there’s not getting up at 5 am, but instead feeling joyfully satisfied with 7 am meditation.
Maybe there’s having a small amount of your very favorite dessert, or taking a break, then googling youtube to watch videos of what you’re trying to do and when that doesn’t work, asking for help.
What if it is not too hard for you?
What if the thing that is too “hard” is your thoughts about your situation.
Thoughts like, “I can’t…” or “I’m not good enough…” or “I’ll suffer….” or “I have no other options….” or “It’s impossible….”
Turning the thought around, can you open up to the idea that it’s super easy?
Well….for me. All I was doing was sitting on a couch, looking at the computer and trying to remember what I did last time, and reading some documents, and thinking.
And then I stopped. To get water.
Because that what was called for with the greatest love next. And walking outside with my sweetie who got home after a long work day.
Sometimes, you just need to put it down and rest, so life doesn’t demand it gets put down, for you.
Later, I’ll come back to what I was working on.
“Take care of yourself….Violence teaches only violence. Stress teaches stress. And peace teaches peace. And for me, peace is entirely efficient.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
I notice throwing the project out, abandoning it altogether is not what feels right, and getting frustrated and not letting up also does not feel right.
When I realize this, about anything I get excited about new ways I haven’t thought of yet.
I’ll ask others, I’ll research, I’ll consider options, I’ll wait for the best answer.
Just the right balance for me, for my own happiness.
Take care of yourself, and keep going.
Much love,
Grace