The Work of Byron Katie with Grace
question your thinking, wake up to a kinder life
When you feel really discouraged about your progress, or your healing with food, here’s what you can remember:
This is a process.
There is no “end” to the learning.
You can stop the violence, the binge-eating, for just one day, and you will feel better.
See if you can slow down and relax, only for 24 hours, shifting out of your usual behavior of eating or obsessing about food….
….and notice….
….this is not hopeless. You have just as much right to heal as anyone else.
Much love,
Grace
Yesterday in Year of Inquiry we continued this month’s topic….
….Other People’s Suffering.
This is a great trigger for so many people, and it certainly has been for me.
My kid falls down and breaks his wrist, and I wasn’t there, but when I find out about it on the phone, a cloud of wild adrenaline zings through me, my mind races into a fury….
….I should be there now!
Quick, emergency! Horrors!
I drop everything and scramble to get there ASAP, in this wild, frantic whirlwind of fear. Driving fast. Feeling guilty.
What about a moment sitting with someone you love dearly, and they begin to speak about their deepest fears, and perhaps cry, or express despair?
Several people in Year of Inquiry noticed this experience with mothers and fathers.
These influential people called parents….
….they are suffering.
Bam. I am suffering. The minute I think they are.
Again….there’s a feeling of emergency, or deep sorrow, or anxiety, or a compulsive movement to fix it, to be helpful.
A dear mentor of mine once shared that she sat at her father’s deathbed and he said “my life has been such a disappointment” and she couldn’t stop thinking of this for years after he died.
Someone else is upset, suffering, feeling horrible, suicidal, depressed, unhappy in life.
Immediately, these thoughts are stirred up within me:
Who would you be without your worried or sad thoughts, in the presence of this person?
Who would I be without the belief that this person’s circumstances are truly terrible? Without the belief I have to DO something? Or that it could get worse?
What if I didn’t crunch in and believe so totally that I can’t handle this (or they can’t) or that this is a problem?
Woah.
Strange indeed to not think of a broken wrist, or a very disappointed person, or death, or sadness as a terrible problem.
What if it wasn’t?
I notice all these things happen in reality….sadness, anger, disappointment, broken bones, illness, death.
Could it be possible to be with all these things, watch others go through these things, and NOT suffer?
Stunning to imagine.
“The primary thought is a thought of me. This thought of me, which is nothing but a thought, never could be anything but a thought or image. The me or I is constantly commenting on what is. Is it good?Is it bad? Do I like it? Do I disagree? Do I agree? How do I attain that? How do I get that? Or even…’I am enlightened’, or ‘I am not enlightened’. The thought is about the moment. The thought is about me, then my relationship with the moment. An imaginary character having and imaginary relationship with what is. It is called suffering….But without a thought, there is no commentator. Without thought, there can’t be a problem. Unless the mind comments on what is, and then creates a problem, there is none.” ~ Adyashanti
Even if you don’t “get” this entirely, and notice your mind has thoughts….
….what if even this was OK?
I turn the thoughts around about suffering:
Could these not be just as true, or truer?
Is there anything else present, besides the commentator going on and on about what is?
I notice….yes.
So much is happening besides thought!
A great pulsating feeling of life, aliveness, sounds, sights, smells, touch. Wind chimes outside, mail truck driving by, heart beating, legs stretching, eyes gathering letters (reading) shadow and light forming on the wall outside, bustling life, a world alive and something here a part of this life force. A far greater expanse of awareness than whatever I see as “me”.
And in that past difficult situation, with a son who has a broken wrist, people were there to help, his father was present, emergency room doctors put on the cast, everything unrolled the way it does, and this “me” was not necessary.
Is it ever?
Wow.
“The mind is a couple of degrees removed from what is immediate. But as soon as I come back to the immediacy of all this, how still it is, how pervasive it is. I am still, silent, pervasive.” ~ Ross Oldenstadt
Much love, Grace
I’m headed with my daughter to the passport office. For the third time.
The first time, we were there five minutes before closing. They’re only open 3 days a week for a few hours each time.
We had to fill out all the paperwork. The window closed.
OK, we’ll come back in a couple of weeks, on another Monday when they’re open. I mark it in my calendar.
We return with the filled out paperwork, a long form. I have her old passport, which is about to expire.
We are told her old passport isn’t enough, we need her birth certificate also.
We leave, and once again, put a new date on our calendars for the visit to the passport office, another two weeks away, on another Monday.
This time it turns out, since she’s just turned 18…the birth certificate won’t work (the one I had to dig out in storage files). Noooo, since she’s 18 she actually needs a driver’s license.
But she doesn’t yet have a driver’s license.
So apparently our alternative is going to the Department of Licensing and filling out forms there and paying for an official state ID with her photo, then….
….returning again to the passport office.
This is getting annoying.
I didn’t like the passport office woman’s attitude, either. She didn’t smile, or apologize for the inconvenience. She had a stone faced look of boredom.
Doesn’t she remember we’ve already been here twice?
And now we have to go do something else and come back….AGAIN????!!!!
You irritating person. You irritating Passport Office!
Arrrrgggghhhhh!! Shaking fist at sky!!
Heh heh.
Who would I be in this moment without the belief that the government administrative offices are sooooo annoying, boring, inefficient and slow?
I take a deep breath.
I put a third date in my calendar for attempting to get my daughter’s freakin’ passport renewed.
My mind is ticking as we drive away and this task is still undone. We are traveling in August.
I notice the aggressive energy. I watch it. I see this mind having a hissy fit about this imposition!
But how could it be a good thing….that this is taking what appears to be far more time and effort than anticipated?
Could it be another opportunity to simply relax?
Because I do notice, nothing’s actually wrong. Nothing terrible has happened.
Two people, mother and daughter, have driven around in a car several times with papers and an almost-expired passport. They are privileged to be planning a trip that requires leaving the country. The cost of passports is quite high, but there is enough money to pay for it (once they stop asking for additional items–jeez!)
I turn the thoughts I had about the passport people around:
Oh jeez.
I myself am sooooo annoying, boring, inefficient and slow….especially when it comes to the way I’m dealing with these government passport office type people.
I’m getting worked up, which is pretty annoying. I’m having a boring, repetitive reaction not unlike other times I’ve been to this office rather than think of a new way to be–how about friendly and relaxed, that’s an idea?
I’m totally inefficient because I’ve never bothered to look up what I need exactly before going to the passport office in the first place.
When it comes to my daughter getting a driver’s license I am definitely slow–kids can drive when 16 where we live, and I haven’t practiced driving with her enough yet.
Most of all, I lost my sense of humor and forgot to just let things be, and notice they’re unfolding one small step at a time.
And it will likely be pretty fun when it’s handled. And over.
Passports are valid for ten years! My daughter can get the next one herself, when she’s 28!
Much love, Grace
After many requests and inquiries about the dates, times and plans for Year of Inquiry (YOI) group for 2015-2016….
….plus someone recently saying“put me on the list for YOI this fall, I’m definitely in!”….
….I thought I’d let you know YOI is coming kinda early, so you can decide to apply once I open up the application process.
If you’re drawn to dive into this ongoing work with others in a deep, committed way, and you’ve found you don’t do The Work as regularly as you’d like, YOI may be for you.
[stextbox id=”custom” caption=”Year of Inquiry Applications Open In July–Program Begins Sept 2015″][/stextbox]
YOI is a small group of inquirers from all over the world who meet together for a year, starting in September.
It’s not a training to learn exactly how to facilitate inquiry (although you will).
It’s not a certification or something you need to pass or graduate from (in fact, people re-enroll year after year).
This group consists of people dedicated and deeply intending to jostle their stressful beliefs loose from their conditioned ways of relating to people, to themselves, to life. To wonder about their troubling stories. To practice catching their stressful thoughts that can take off like a bullet, and begin to honestly slow down, slow down….
….and discover the awe of being what it’s like to not believe stressful thought.
Wow. It’s a such an incredible journey.
And not easy to do alone.
In fact for me, impossible.
I began self-inquiry using the Work of Byron Katie in 2003. I joke around (although it’s basically true) that I didn’t really actually DO The Work until I attended the School for The Work in 2005 and was surrounded by people questioning their beliefs every day for 9 days.
Then, I did The Work in earnest.
I got what it could be for me.
It was a new way of life, entirely. It became deeply compelling. Even a matter of life or death….a way to not move like a magnet towards negative drama, suspicious thinking, worry, anxiety, anger, terror.
It felt like I moved in and out of a sea of stressful thought daily. I began to see the nature of my mind. So worried all the time. So freaked out when “bad” stuff happened!
I was like a nervous ninny about life. I thought I needed to control myself….all the time, in practically every way.
Love, money, friends, health, family, partners…..oh my! So much could go wrong! So much imperfection in the world!
Back in 2005, I made a huge leap into peace when I discovered the value of questioning my stressful thoughts.
It wasn’t easy for me. I didn’t see any changes right off the bat. But fortunately, I knew to not focus on results. (I learned to not EVER do this, eventually).
Instead, I learned to be in this moment now, inquiring into what felt painful to think.
I knew I was hooked.
I also had a mind so fast, it would compulsively scream (on the inside) that being at peace was dangerous, or not possible, and that I should be on alert like a coiled spring!
I went on my first longer meditation retreat that same year, in 2005, and found myself so busy mentally during the immense silence, I couldn’t sleep well, I had vivid dreams, and I felt like I might go crazy.
Talk about drama.
A short while later, through beautiful unfolding circumstances, I became a facilitator of this work.
First and foremost, it felt like a gift of the deepest joy to ME.
Yes, it was selfish. But finally, in a good way.
Before I learned self-inquiry, I was selfish in a very self-critical way. I felt self-hatred, fear, rage and confusion about being here as a human. I was at war with reality, which included myself.
I constantly had questions: what is life for? why am I here? what’s going on? what should I do? how do I calm down? how can I become a better person?
I had done therapy, workshops, read a thousand books, been on a spiritual hunt for peace.
But finally, I had a way to inquire into my compulsive anxiety, my addiction to thinking and believing I was what I thought.
I have now practiced inquiry for these past ten years, with the support of all of you who show up in my life to share this amazing process of awakening and the discovery of peace.
It’s very simple really.
The mind likes complicated. It wants more, bigger, better, more …. endlessly.
But in YOI, we keep it simple, and through this simple structure in Year of Inquiry, we commit to answering the four questions, hearing other peoples’ answers, working under the umbrella of a new and often-stressful topic every month, and sharing in the enlightenment journey.
Together, we’re waking up to reality, one inquiry session at a time.
The way Year of Inquiry works is, first….
….you get to stay connected to inquiry for an entire year.
Year of Inquiry starts in September 2015 and ends in June 2016, with a virtual summer camp for July and August also included for every YOI member (Summer Camp For The Mind is an intensivedaily 5 weeks of inquiry set up to keep you deeply in the process–you can join any sessions you like).
All that’s required for regular participation in YOI is being able to dial in with your phone or with skype (it’s free) to a private teleconference line.
We have virtual inquiry sessions 3 times a week (at different hours) for 3 weeks every month (usually the first three).
You can sign up for telesessions only, if you live very far away like Indonesia, South Africa, Japan or Germany (we’ve had people from 7 countries and 10 states participate).
Or, you can sign up for the Full YOI Program and join me for a fall and a spring retreat, each 3 full days (Friday-Sunday) of exercises built to help identify stressful thoughts, personal cleansing inquiry, and sharing with like-minded people who learn the truth of who you are.
As one Year of Inquiry member wrote recently, in our 8th month of inquiring together:
Grace,
So, here’s what I’ve been noticing in the last few days. I have stressful beliefs ALL OF THE TIME. I had never even recognized it, but knew something might be off in the way I felt (emotionally or physically). I’m really seeing my stressful beliefs and how I think things SHOULD go. I’m really understanding now that if I have a worksheet on someone or something…it is how I see everything.
I wanted to express my gratitude. (YOI member).
Now here’s the thing.
There are no guarantees such as “you will feel glorious, you will be liberated, you will wake up” or any such claims about doing YOI.
But you know that already.
Like other inner journeys unique to you, you may find the arrow is shooting out in a certain direction, but no telling when or how it will land exactly.
I notice, I have no idea when or how this work “works” for anyone, or even for myself.
I just know it does.
My life is absolutely nothing like it was when I began self-inquiry using this simple method introduced by Byron Katie (deep bow of gratitude for Katie, forever).
My inquiry has expanded into areas I never dreamed it would expand. This mind does its thing, and something within watches, chuckles, and rests at peace, joyfully.
The peace is here, and has been the entire time….
….I just never saw it before.
I cherish those who appear in Year of Inquiry, each and every one of you. You are a part of my path.
What a wonderful journey it is.
If you’re interested in reading more about YOI, have questions about the details and the fees (these vary depending on your level of participation)….
….you can click here to read more.
Stay tuned for the application process to come in July, along with early-bird payments for everyone who decides to join before August 1, 2015.
If you have any special questions you’d like to know now, please feel free to write me anytime. Just hit reply.
Much love, Grace
The other day, I was listening to (yet another) audio teaching about growing my business, running webinars, marketing and creating a production plan and hiring a team….
….and I had the thought “this is ridiculous”.
Not the actual teaching and audio, which was superb (and for which I am grateful) but this is ridiculous that I’m constantly and compulsively thinking I need to learn something.
I need to get something. I need to catch a drift here. Things will be better…soon.
Meanwhile….
….I need to GROW my business. I need to GROW my bank account. I need to GROW my inner peace. I need to GROW my personal health and fitness. I need to GROW my awareness. I need to GROW my relationship with my partner, kids, family. I need to GROW my love and joy.
Oh man.
There it is, an energy of something being off over the horizon.
Including Spiritual Awakening, which isn’t here.
Yet.
Chasing the carrot! The ever-dangling carrot just out of reach of the horse’s mouth.
Yummy carrot if I only stretch, push a little harder, race, strain and go a little faster!!
But who the heck would I be without that “almost there” thought permeating everything?
I mean, really….the mind thinks “almost there, not quite there yet” about everything.
Money, health, wealth, love, success, happiness, awakening.
Who would I be without the thought that any of these things are ALMOST there (but not quite)?
Wait. What?
Huh?
Without the belief that this isn’t it?
Dang. (Slow whistle). Woah.
I notice, it’s all here.
It’s right here, all complete, all brilliant.
No searching required.
Here’s a computer, and a bookshelf, and a standing lamp, air in this room, a bathrobe hanging on a hook, an arm, a hand, kitchen noise happening, footsteps on the porch, a silver ring on a finger, a pen.
Absolutely fantastically glorious!!
“I got myself into a right pickle. I became exhausted with the whole thing. With the spiritual concepts, the teachers, the awakening stories, trying to get there. I had been trying, trying, trying soooo hard to get there. I was brought to my knees. I was exhausted from trying. Fed up with spirituality. Nauseated with the whole thing. I didn’t want to hear the word ‘consciousness’ or ‘awakening’ ever again. That’s how BAD it got….It had ALL become second hand. And I looked at a chair in my childhood bedroom and thought ‘oh’. Life is right here. All these things I’ve made into destinations. But they are here. It’s a chair! It’s a chair!” ~ Jeff Foster
Turning the thought around:
It is all here already. There is no ‘almost there’.
No just-around-the-corner. It’s here!
Money, health, wealth, love, success, happiness, awakening.
RIGHT HERE!!!!!
Can you feel it?
“You can neither look for the truth, nor find the truth, nor lose the truth; for all the time you are the truth.” ~ Adyashanti
Much love, Grace
A powerful question when it comes to your thoughts….is to pause and ask “Is it true?”
Is it true, what you’re thinking?
Is it true you can’t stop eating right now, when you’ve started a binge?
Watch today to see how to bring this question in to your moment of eating….when you think you can’t stop.
A woman contacted me to do The Work.
She was filled with suffering. She couldn’t sleep. She was sometimes overeating, or drinking lots of wine.
Her beloved partner, with whom she had a decade-long off and on love affair, was yet again breaking up with her. They had apparently done this for years.
Together, not together, together again.
These two people had never actually lived with one another, despite a feeling of passion, desire, intense chemistry. They lived a continent apart, so they worked and lived much of their lives separately, with visits and meetings when they could.
She shared with me that she felt like ending her life.
She felt desperate, like she had wasted ten years in this on-and-off affair, and now was in her 40s with no committed partner and a feeling of failure.
It reminded me how much suffering people bring to their lives around partnerships, attraction, lovers, boyfriends, girlfriends.
I must be with that person. I am alone. I need a partner. I need to be loved (I am not loved in this moment).
I must confess….I have had some stressful thoughts about those other people who are desperately in love or out of love.
She should see she’s totally fine without her lover. No one needs a “partner”. Good grief.
Hmmmm.
I notice a little judgment coming out of my own mind.
Time for The Work.
Is it true that someone else should stop suffering over a love affair?
Yes!
This appears to be a source of wild pain for humans. Whether with someone they want to leave, or broken up from someone they pine for, there seems to be great suffering around partnership or lack of partnership.
People write plays, and music, and poetry about love-gone-wrong.
Oh the endless crazed thoughts about romantic love.
How do I react when I’m looking at this other person who is suffering about romantic love?
I think I know what she needs. I say to myself that she should stop thinking her thoughts, stop feeling those feelings.
Wow. I’m kind of like a little dictator in my mind.
Who would I be without those kinds of thoughts? Without the belief that she should do anything differently, that she should have a different story, that she should wake up and let go of this longing for a ‘soul mate’ or ‘true love’ or long-term partner?
I watch. I sit quietly, looking at her image in my mind. Observing that person feeling big feelings, bereft, in pain, crying, anxious.
Without the belief she should NOT feel what she’s feeling.
Amazing, really.
Everyone allowed to feel what they feel.
I notice reality appears to be full of people pining about romantic love. Reality appears to have people wanting, waiting, wishing, longing, disappointed, grabbing.
I turn my own thoughts around: She should NOT see she’s totally fine without her lover. Everyone does need a “partner” or some contact with love. I should see I’m totally fine without a lover. I don’t need a partner. She shouldn’t get over it, until she does.
How strange.
How would I know what’s good, or not good, for anyone.
“Life is full of beautiful surprises. When you are happy, you are attracted to the universe. You life will stay the same if your thinking is always the same. But as soon as you break open internally, your life breaks open. You discover the wealth that your ‘beingness’ is. All this trouble is caused by your own mind….Focus on what is true. When you find what is true, the un-true will not be appealing to you. Truth knows no distance.” ~ Mooji
My thoughts about this person and their suffering are obviously un-true.
How can I be happy, here now, in the presence of this person who is unhappy with their love life?
I contemplate the great softness of being with this woman who is upset.
I notice that actually, I am not even “with” this woman in this moment. I am only with the memory and picture of her, floating in my mind, and the memory of my thoughts about her.
My heart opens to being with anyone full of tears, allowing them to feel as they feel.
Only 4 spots left for Being With Byron Katie, an unusual event where we’ll be watching Katie on screen via internet as she teaches a retreat in Switzerland July 11-14.
Because this event is via internet, the cost is only $165 for all four days. These last spots available are for commuters only (a mattress may be free for you if you want to sleep in our big private rented lodge). We’ll have a ball together (24 people total), share potluck lunch, and have one hour of silent sitting meditation each day at 2:30 pm.
A fantastic group of people interested in questioning stressful thinking. What could be more wonderful?
Perhaps Breitenbush Retreat June 24-29!
This is a deep intensive dive into your inner world of stressful thinking, where you will get to do The Work with me and the incredible group who always assembles for 4.5 days. We gather to declare peace through this powerful self-inquiry.
Breitenbush Hotsprings is a gorgeous conference center located in old growth forest in Oregon. This retreat also has 20 people registered (capacity is 28) so call soon to make your reservation 503-854-3320.
The Breitenbush Retreat offers mental health counselors 26 CEUs.
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Speaking of gatherings and retreats, it seems like a summer full of contemplative activities, doing this powerful work, is spread before me.
In only two weeks, all the people in Year of Inquiry who can come, plus some Year of Inquiry alumni, will be arriving in Seattle and coming to my cottage to do The Work for three days.
My hands are clapping!
I love that it doesn’t matter where you are for this work.
You can be deeply concerned, very frightened about a particular issue or situation or person….
….or concerned about something that seems petty and small, and unimportant in the big scheme of things.
Long ago, a dear friend and inquirer and I had made plans to exchange facilitation in The Work.
She had facilitated me through a worksheet I wrote on my impending divorce.
I felt sick to my stomach, almost every day.
I was terrified I would never find a job, my money was draining out of my bank account faster than the sinking Titanic, I was a bundle of pain and agony.
I felt a little lighter after she facilitated me. Like chipping away at a big block of granite, my beliefs about being supported in life getting broken into pieces one hammer-strike at a time.
Then we switched roles.
Now I would facilitate her.
Her stressful belief was on her kitchen drawer.
It wouldn’t open properly, after the recent remodel.
“It should open easily.”
Seriously??
As I asked her the four questions, I noticed with amazement the joy of doing this work on something so apparently insignificant.
I could feel the frustration having a thought like this, that sometimes made me want to bang something around, throw my hands up in frustration, lose my temper in a fury, slam a door, or a drawer, break something.
Who would you be without the belief that this drawer, or anything, should open more easily than it is opening?
What if everything, even a drawer, is exactly in place, doing what it does, without a need to argue with it, or against it?
As my friend answered the questions, it washed through me….
….what if my estranged husband shouldn’t open, either?
What if all was going along in the best way possible?
What if I didn’t get involved in being opposed to or in favor of thislife?
Turning the thought around….
….this dear friend found the opposite: “my mind should open easily”.
WOW!
I chuckled softly.
I could find this, too.
Later, after the phone call was over and we had hung up, I sat silently.
A sense of peace, quiet, and emptiness beyond all words, beyond all thinking, beyond needing to do something or fix anything, wrapped around me.
Everything was going to be OK.
It already was.
Thank you for inquiry, on a drawer in a kitchen that wasn’t even mine.
Sometimes inquiry works in the oddest ways.
“There is no peace in the world until you find peace within yourself in this moment. Live these turnarounds, if you want to be free. That’s what Jesus did, what the Buddha did. That’s what all the famous great ones did, and all the unknown great ones who are just living it in their homes and communities, happily and in peace.” ~ Byron Katie
Do The Work on whatever you see around you that brings you stress. Begin with one situation at a time. Nothing more is required.
It’s amazing how speedy quick thought happens.
Yesterday I so loved all the people I had contact with. There were a LOT.
One group was an afternoon meetup I hosted in my little cottage, open to anyone interested in doing The Work and learning more about it.
People came, curious about The Work, how to do it, wondering if they’re doing it right, noticing the difficulty with doing The Work on their own when they’re alone.
The front door of my cottage was propped open with sweet spring smells wafting in from a sunny afternoon, fresh mowed lawn, the Judge Your Neighbor worksheets in a stack with a cup of pens nearby, clipboards, tea in the kitchen.
Earlier yesterday in the morning, I was ALSO spending time with people.
For that session, it was via teleconference wearing my headset, facilitating people through a two hour session identifying stressful thoughts about money (we’re continuing our money sessions for two more Sunday mornings) and then inquiring.
Now, here’s the deal.
I completely forgot it was Mother’s Day when I scheduled these things.
I also forgot, when I got the idea to schedule the conference call on Money, that I ALREADY was doing The Work all afternoon with people who came to the meetup.
So there I was a couple of days ago realizing…..oh.
Well, lookie at that!
I’m doing The Work all morning, for a whole meeting in the afternoon, and pretty much doing nothing that’s official for “Mother’s Day”!
I saw the thoughts coming along the ticker-tape of the mind:
What if all was well, exactly as it went?
Because it was.
Exquisitely well.
Fun people, wonderful connections, a remarkable joy of being with humanity in such deep and profound ways.
Noticing what a spectacular day I had yesterday.
I turned all the thoughts around…almost as they arose, to be honest.
Much love,
Grace