Month: May 2015

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Are You Comparing Apples and Oranges Again?

comparison
one of these is better than the other….is that true?

I was in a lecture by a dynamic, inspiring motivational speaker about working for yourself.

I had actually spoken on the phone to her before, and taken one of her classes. I liked her. She was really fascinating, actually. How wonderful to hear her amazing story of success.

Until.

Wait. How much money did she just say she made in her first year of being in business for herself? Are you kidding me?

How come she got so successful?

What am I doing wrong?

I made a tenth of what she made in my first year of business. One TENTH. I could barely live on it.

There’s no comparison really.

Plus I think she’s about 25 years younger.

In literally a matter of 60 seconds, I was making plans to go live in Pema Chodron’s monastery next year and throw in the towel.

This is ridiculous. I’ll never get “it”.

There’s no point in going on!!

Have you ever felt the Drama-Queen Extremes?

I jest, but I know the feeling of comparing yourself to someone “better” than you can be quite brutal, debilitating and low.

It’s not all that funny, when you’re in the middle of it.

But who would you be without the thought that you should just give it all up and quit, cash out in despair?

Who would you be without the belief you should push on, never give up, and bore yourself like a drill into your plan of success?

Who would you be without your thoughts? Your comparisons? Your fears of the future? Your regrets of the past?

What would it feel like, in this moment right now as you read these words, to consider neither giving up nor pressing on?

“Normally we try to relax beyond our circumstances. We try to transcend our experience. We try to find truth. We try to wake up. But just imagine the relief you could feel having zero task. You can’t make yourself relax, you can’t make yourself let go, you can’t make yourself tight, you can’t make yourself restricted. The relief to being resigned or relinquished to resting in your experience is immeasurable.” ~ Ross Oldenstadt

Huh?

But WOW.

Suddenly *click* (or maybe more like *kapow!*) I am in this moment noticing faces, sound, voices, air, colors, joy, being this, not being that, being this instead, relating, connecting.

Noticing gratitude, and laughter, at all the compulsive comparing and planning and efforts to not-effort.

Truly, nothing to do. Nowhere to go.

Turning the thoughts around: Making that much money is not required for success. I am not doing it wrong. I am doing it right. I am not “doing” it. The amount of money I have is success. The amounts of monies coming and going have nothing to do with success or lack of success.This life has gone this way, just right. 

So glad life moved me into a moment of hearing a speaker that reminded me of comparison that reminded me of inquiry that reminded me of peace and nothing-but-now.

I am alive, I am breathing, I am typing, I sit on a beautiful and comfortable white couch, I laugh at my mind, I feel what’s here that is not a thinking brain, I relax, I celebrate these fairy tales all around me including big happy wild accomplishment stories and big fat failure stories, I notice I’m having a lot of fun with this whole success work-for-yourself thing.

Once upon a time….

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Even though its Mother’s Day, I’m offering a 3 weeks of Sunday sessions doing The Work on Money on 5/10, 5/17 and 5/24 from 9-11 am Pacific Time. By donation. Every session will be recorded….click HERE if you want access to the recordings, to join on any call, or participate with this powerful freedom work.

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The Best Way To Discover Secret Stress In Your Mind

journal
write it down

Last night the Eating Peace live inquiry call did some digging into finding stressful thoughts about food….

….but really, also, about life.
The great question that I love, to better identify where your mind might be arguing with reality, is to answer this question:
Who’s to blame?
What’s to blame?
Whose fault is it, or what, that you’re not feeling so hot, or you’re having trouble with (food, drugs, sex, work, money, relationship).
Sometimes its crazy simple.
I’m having trouble with that person because that person is a retard! I blame them! Duh!
But sometimes, when you’re overeating, or obsessing about money, or have a general feeling of dread, or thinking about drinking alcohol….
….you might not know exactly what’s bothering you.
It may seem like you’ve been bothered forever, and you’re in a pattern you can’t break.
Too hard to find who to blame.
And you probably blame yourself….viciously.
Because you’re reacting–as in, you are deep in a reaction to some OTHER belief that doesn’t really have all that much to do with the actual food, or alternate compulsive behavior.
For example.
When I was learning about my feelings and how they propelled me in life, especially when it came to my super-destructive eating patterns, I started keeping a journal.
A therapist suggested it. About 50 times.
When I finally began to write, daily, or whenever I felt the most pain and agony about food….
….I was deeply honest.
I wrote how I felt. Not just about food, but about people, life, my situation.
Then, when I had enough data (journal entries) I went back through my journal with my therapist, and she asked me about what I had written about.
Through these conversations, I discovered patterns in my eating.
It was like a lightbulb went off.
Woah–I eat when someone scares me or confronts me, and I’m worried I might be getting rejected or criticized.
Only, I eat about 5 hours later….when the coast is clear and I’m all alone.
Bam.
From keeping my journal, I noticed I ate when I felt rage.
I could also see the assumptions I made about what was going on with other people, and what they thought of me, and what was dangerous, and what I might need or want to request.
As I began to become familiar with my own inner world of feelings, and what they pointed to (my stories) everything I believed started to unravel.
If you have unconscious, speedy-quick, addictive or compulsive behaviors….
….start carrying around a little notebook.
Record your thoughts–but also your feelings.
This information is gold.
And it may save your life.
“Rather than understand the original cause–a thought–we try to change the stressful feelings by looking outside ourselves….Stories are the untested, uninvestigated theories that tell us what all these things mean. We don’t even realize that they’re just theories….Stress is an alarm clock that lets you know you’ve attached to something not true for you.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace
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Eating Peace: You May Have To Make This Decision

I’ve gotten emails lately from people who are discouraged and saying “this isn’t working, I just binged again” or “I’m not staying on track” or “can I just work on my eating troubles…later?”
I get a little serious with you today in my video.
Because if your Voice talks at you and doesn’t care if you fail, or says things like “you’re a loser” or “you’ll never get this” or “keeping a journal of my eating and feelings doesn’t work”  or “fuck it, just eat”….
….then this way of deep recovery and peace may not be for you.
If you want to keep feeding the self-hate Voice, the terrified Voice, the mean Voice….then find a special diet program or join a gym.
Nothing wrong with doing either of those.
In fact, I encourage people to do these things when its done in self-love and self-respect (I go to the gym almost every day in fact, I love my gym).
But this awareness approach….the one called Self Love….a voice of compassion, gentleness and peace….
….that’s the only way I ever found permanent care for myself, and the end of eating craziness.
The. Only. Way.
You get to choose.
Lots of peace,
Grace
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Questioning Angry Thoughts About The J-O-B!

moneyinthesky
Reaching too hard for money? Question your thinking, relax about money.

I’m excited for this coming Money Soul Sunday. Come join me if you want to do the work on money.

Suggested donation for 3 Sundays for 9-11 am Pacific Time inquiry sessions is $33 – $99 for one, two or three weeks, come to any or all.

If you’re having trouble with paying, it’s OK….just write to me by hitting reply.

Every session will be recorded and sent to anyone who wants this work.

******

You might know my dreaded story of losing money, wanting money, obsessing about money, being so discouraged about money I could hardly handle it (but apparently, I did).

It felt soooooooo horrible at the time.

It even felt horrible AFTER the time.

I would remember the anxiety, like I was holding my breath, wondering constantly from month to month if I could pull the house payment together.

My kids were eligible for free meals at school.

I could have gone on food stamps, but was too proud to start the process.

I would dress in my power suit, and go to interviews. At least 20 once I really started pounding the pavement.

Many times, I was a finalist. I had never had such a strange “losing” streak with one person getting hired over me in the final decision.

Except.

Here’s the weird thing.

That whole pins-and-needles time of wondering what would happen every day with money, I had a secret.

I tried to smash it down and hide it and change it and bury it in the ground and fix myself.

My secret?

I did NOT WANT TO WORK at a J-O-B.

Seriously, I was so angry at the system, so bored in past jobs, feeling like a loser, and not having gotten the right education, and having let myself become dependent in a marriage, and not actually being all that interested in ANY companies or organizations.

Plus let’s not even get started on my feelings about the “nothing” I had to offer.

My self-esteem was so trashed….

….I never felt genuine and authentic in any single interview.

But a part of my process, at that time, was to begin to do The Work in earnest on not only money, but on work. Having a boss, co-workers, commutes, break rooms, cubicles.

I really had some negative ideas about “work”.

Did you notice I called work….which is really the very dynamic (and often fun, and challenging) experience of offering services and expertise in exchange for participating in an organizational community….

….a J-O-B like it was a swear word??

I hated the thought of someone “controlling” me and bossing me around, and expecting me to act certain ways.

I thought it would mean I was being suppressed, imprisoned, and enslaved.

Phew.

That was some rough and stressful thinking!

Thank goodness I recognized the stress and started asking myself….

….who would I be without the belief that getting a job was like going to prison and conforming to an office-building environment, forever?

Ha ha, I laugh at myself now.

Because without the belief, I noticed I felt excited about work.

And after I questioned my thoughts about jobs, I started getting more interested in the job hunt. At the very same time as people started asking me to facilitate them for sessions in The Work.

I got a part time job, not a full time one, through a weird series of circumstances. Which was perfect because it gave me time to work with more clients at home.

And at my new part time job, I loved the people, the interesting new problems, the communication challenges, my beautiful fancy office chair, the conference rooms with stunning views of the lake below, and excellent health insurance.

I loved the meetings, the really incredible professionals I met, the watching, learning, hearing and learning mega details about medicine and treatments I would never have learned in a million years normally, outside of medical school.

I practically miss that job, it was so cool.

Wow.

I never could have imagined actually becoming generally comfortable, feeling like I belonged, at a J-O-B.

Thank goodness for The Work.

It helped me turn my entire attitude towards finding jobs and earning money around to making it more like “play” in my reality.

Well….OK, that might be getting a little carried away (the word play) but it certainly wasn’t so “hard” all the time.

It was not positive thinking or trying to have a positive attitude, it was actually seeing it for real. A wonderful place to be for certain times during the week, with pretty awesome people.

If you’re upset about work, or unemployment, or co-workers, or commuting, or paychecks, or raises, or anything you do in your experience of money….

….question your thinking, change your world.

“I’ve never seen a work or money problem that didn’t turn out to be a thinking problem. I used to believe that I needed money to be happy. Even when I had a lot, I was often sick with the fear that something terrible would happen and I would lose it. I realize now that no amount of money is worth that kind of stress.” ~ Byron Katie

We’ll be doing this on May 10, May 17, May 24. Join me!

Much love,
Grace
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What If Whatever Is Decided Is Absolutely OK

Last weekend, I actually chose to cancel a really fun awesome social event I host in my home from time to time….singing.

I had a sore throat.

One of this body’s things is sore throats.

Some people get allergies, or colds, or sinus infections, or bladder infections, or fevers, or migraines.

But I’ve had some killer sore throats. Like, the kind a doctor got out a big shot gun needle and gave me penicillin in my thigh as a kid because I couldn’t even swallow a drop of water my throat hurt so much.

 

I’d say at least once a year, here comes the sore throat.

I knew it was right to cancel singing with everyone because I felt such relief once I did it, and I went to bed to lie down.

But before I actually decided….

….I noticed the idea come through my mind “you could cancel, you know….”

And I watched myself not cancel.

Not yet.

Maybe I’ll get a second wind.

Maybe it will start to go away.

Maybe I could enjoy myself anyway–we’ve all had one of those experiences where even though you’re pretty sure you’re ill or have a virus–you go anyway, and have a good time.

Once a decision was made, there was no problem. Resting and sleeping, very soundly, was a brilliant idea.

But that in-between zone before making that decision….that was hard.

I love everyone who’s coming, I don’t want to be disappointed, we won’t get to sing again for weeks and its already been a long time, I need to connect with fun people, I’ll regret it if I say no. 

Who would I be without the belief I’ll be unhappy in the future because of a decision I make right now?

What if ANY decision made is the right one, and there’s no “wrong” decision, no alternative that might have gone better (or worse)?

Because the one made is the only reality.

There is no alternative.

Who would you be without the belief you made the wrong decision, or a troubling decision, or a hard decision, or a bad or awkward decision?

I’d be resting.

Smiling when my friend texts me a photo of the pot of friend rice he had prepared for the potluck now canceled, saying he now gets to eat it all himself.

Noticing the stillness of the air in the room, the comfortable bed, the aching glands, the sweetness of holding still.

Today, I still have a bit of whatever is visiting this body, but I’m writing, podcasting, meeting with several clients via skype and phone, sending emails, up out of bed….but not moving fast, eating vitamin C, feeling the slow energy.

Could slow-pace quiet stillness all by myself be just as good as friends gathering together?

Apparently yes.

Here’s to decisions, and what unfolds naturally, and noticing it’s really not a problem.

Enjoy laughing about decisions.

If it’s not so funny for you….question that thought.

Here’s hilarious Ellen, on making decisions:

Ellen's monologue about making decisions
Ellen’s monologue about making decisions
Much love,
Grace
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But I Don’t Wanna Get Old

getting-oldThe other day, I caught a glimpse of the skin on my forearm resting lightly against a wooden table.

All in a flash I saw the loose skin, a kind of sagging in the inner elbow.

Old skin.

Skin that’s been around awhile in this body (54 years and 2 months to be exact).

In seconds I also had a whole series of thoughts:

This will all be over soon. I’m on the downhill slope. The end is coming.

I notice there’s a voice slightly upset, chattering, nervous, not sure about what to do or think about the temporariness of this body and this life.

Who would I be without believing there’s something to be upset about when it comes to having an aging body?

Without the belief that being here only for one lifetime, in this body, is sad or nerve-wracking or uncomfortable or disappointing?

Wow.

Almost incomprehensible, to that small voice with ideas about survival, youth, life-is-better-than-death.

But I notice there is absolutely no control over the pace of life unfolding.

I am not calling the shots.

I am not the one in charge.

As I imagine and contemplate who I’d be without the belief in this thought that sagging skin, or aging, is “bad”….

….I sink into a deep quiet, feeling my arm still against the cool wooden table, hearing voices and distant music, seeing green leaves waving in the breeze through the window.

Knowing nothing, nothing, nothing.

Except the feeling of this moment, and silence.

I turn around the thought: this is good, I’m on the way towards a big change (death) and it will be amazing, there is nothing wrong whatsoever, the skin is neither ugly nor beautiful, all is very, very well.

Could this be just as true, or truer?

“People who believe their unquestioned thoughts cannot see what is obvious and directly in front of their faces at all times, because they are invested in what they believe to be true. As long as they live out of an unquestioned mind, they must continue to argue with what they believe is happening rather than the reality of what is really happening.” ~ Byron Katie

Do I notice anything obvious, directly in front of my face, when it comes to this whole temporarily-here thing, being briefly present, being a baby, child, teen, adult…changing, changing, changing without ANY control at all?

Well, yes.

It’s called Rest.

Nothing to do, nothing to manage….

….like falling through space and instead of kicking and screaming like a cat trying to get itself upright….

….falling with pure relaxation, surrender, emptiness, peace.

“The master gives himself up to whatever the moment brings. He knows that he is going to die, and he has nothing left to hold on to: no illusions in his mind, no resistances in his body. He doesn’t think about his actions, they flow from the core of his being.” ~ Tao Te Ching #50

Much love,
Grace
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May Money Sunday TeleSessions for Freedom

Cherry flowers and dollar
Do you see money as beautiful as the flowers, no matter how big or how little?

Have you been worried about money….again?

Well, I know I have.

I’ve heard from many others who appear to be plagued by money woes as well.

Not enough, I never make my OWN money, too many taxes, that client didn’t pay, that program costs too much, I should have gotten a better raise, must tighten the belt, where will it come from tomorrow, can’t EVER get enough, that was a disappointing business deal, my house sold for less than I thought, my art doesn’t sell well enough, I need more for retirement…..

…..on and on go the money thoughts.

Since I noticed my own money thoughts (very pissy about things costing too much, like my health insurance, getting the wall fixed, travel)….

….I knew it was time to offer something different.

Sliding scale.

And if you’ve got nothing, then heck….pay only $5 to cover the paypal service fee….and you’re in.

Yes, really.

People who want to do The Work on Money don’t always have a lot of money, or they THINK they don’t have a lot of money, or they’re crazy worried about money and want to keep it very close.

I know the feeling.

So let’s do The Work.

May Money Sunday Soul Sessions.

May 10, 17 and 24 from 9 am – 11 am Pacific Time.

It might seem funny to say “money” and “soul” in the same sentence, but I find my thoughts about money have been my thoughts about life, the universe and reality.

There won’t be enough. I’m not cared for or supported. I have to do this all by myself.

Let’s turn it around and do it together, instead.

Click here to sign up. You can join via the web or telephone/skype.

Even if you don’t get the chance to be the one in the hot seat, bringing a thought to inquiry, you’ll get to follow along, do your work, give yourself this most powerful investigation, for your own sake and for everyone else’s too.

Let’s be part of the Peace Movement, even with money.

Question your thinking, change your world.

Join me by clicking to my website here, and clicking the Buy button.

“Who would you be without the thought ‘I need more money to be safe?’ You might be a lot easier to be with. You might even begin to notice the laws of generosity, the laws of letting money go out fearlessly and come back fearlessly. You don’t ever need more money than you have.” ~ Byron Katie 

“Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

Much love,
Grace
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It’s Gone, and It’s OK

If you’re coming to spend 4 days with Byron Katie via internet video (Katie will be in Switzerland) in a retreat lodge near my house July 11-14, then be sure to sign up soon. We’re nearly full and we’re limited to 24 participants. Click HERE to confirm your spot.

There’s one bedroom still available. Hit reply if you want to reserve it. You can also throw your sleeping bag down on a cot or mattress for only $10 per night. The fee for the event is $165 for the entire 4 days and most of us will commute each day. We’ll watch Katie remotely who will be directing the retreat. We’ll share lunch together (potluck style in the amazing beautiful kitchen).

Can’t wait to hang out with you, and Katie.

******

If you left something in the dust, could it be absolutely OK…even good?

Last night I entered my home after driving straight from California, past the magnificent Mt Shasta, up the passes and down the passes, through flat farm land then into greener and greener northwest and Mt St Helens, equally as magnificent. All these volcanoes where I live, in a long row.

I was driving for 12 hours and 45 minutes.

Oddly, I didn’t feel too uncomfortable, or stiff. I had a few bathroom breaks and two stops for gas.

But inside after arriving, I felt a little like the ground was moving and undulating.

I felt hot and sticky.

And then, I realized I left my favorite pillow in California.

Plus my phone charger.

Arrrrgggghhhhh!!

How could I be such a ditz? What’s WRONG with me? That’s my favorite pillow….waaaaahhhhh.

In googling the phone number of the hotel, and talking with the front desk manager, she reports it is not found.

Nope. Staff says its not seen.

I remember being in the hotel several years ago and leaving my cell phone in a hotel, having to pay $100 fed ex bill for them to “overnight” it back to me which took a week.

And another time, leaving a book with great sentimental value and torn pages on the bedside table, which also was “never found”.

I’m already picturing finding one of those pillows online.

Where did it come from, how can I get another one? Since it was a gift.

Thoughts running fast into the future…acquiring the thing lost.

And those lying, stealing rats at the hotel who cleaned my room!!

My mind repeats the scene of leaving the hotel room quickly because I lost track of the time and suddenly jumped up and raced out the door.

Not exactly detailed oriented here.

Pillow, pillow, pillow. I want my pillow.

But what if this was all OK, in the great scheme of things?

I don’t mean passive OK—people get so upset about this—like standing up for yourself and not being passive means screaming and yelling and feeling horrible and flailing your arms all around and making demands and attacking other people.

What if it was just a simple reality, and I choose to do what I can….

….with JOY?

What if the way consciousness lives itself in this personality that is apparently someone called Grace Bell is pretty spaced out when it comes to time, calendars, technology, and thingies (like pillows and phones and chargers)?

I chuckle, thinking of my kids, especially my oldest who behaves more like me, and someone saying several years ago….

…..”he would forget his head if it wasn’t attached to his body”.

And the lightness of that, the appeal.

Who would you be without the belief you have to have it right, orderly, you must “keep” all these items near you, or that you even own them at all?

What if everything was lost, burned up, gone?

Isn’t that what I’ve always been interested in anyway?

“This burning is itself, grace. I am very happy for you in this burning. Mind cannot help. Mind wants to have a little check list of what’s going on. I need to do ‘this’…Keep your hands together in this fire. Something is taking care of everything in this fire. It is purifying everything…This fire is burning fiercely, but it WILL NOT BURN YOU. It will burn what you are not. Burn on.” ~ Mooji 

Even in this moment of leaving something behind I loved, as simple as a pillow, I see it is not required.

And it doesn’t mean I don’t find another one, just like it.

It also doesn’t mean that next time I won’t choose to leave my favorite things behind for safe-keeping, write a strong letter to the management.

I call and talk to the head of hotel staff to ask them to question everyone who cleaned the room, and request she call me back tomorrow with an update.

There is such great freedom in being with this experience without fury, with clarity and love.

And probably more effective too, all around.

Laughing, I think about bringing something next time on purpose to leave behind….a little gift for the housekeeping staff like a blanket, a bag of yummy foods, some books.

Much love,
Grace