When you think you’re a victim of someone else, or life circumstances, or a difficult situation….
….you’re guaranteed to feel uncertain, fearful and like a VICTIM.
Oh no.
Then we also feel bad about being a victim (and then you’re a victim of your own judgment towards yourself on top of it).
The best way to address the feeling of smallness, powerlessness, and being a victim of something or someone (including you) is to access your honest yes or no within, and practice saying it out loud.
No shame, no freaking out.
Sometimes, it’s called “assertiveness” but really this means you are telling the truth, and allowing it to be known.
It may not be as difficult as you think.
And when you do….it’s soooooooo worth it. You’ll stop wanting to eat.
Soak in Inquiry and Hotsprings at Breitenbush June 22-26, 2016
It’s time!
BREITENBUSH time! I just found out today that registration is well underway and we’re filling, including two men already (sometimes I get the question, how many men are attending)? It’s an absolutely lovely group.
Breitenbush is in the lush old-growth forest of Oregon in the most glorious fairyland you’ve ever seen. A place for mind, body, spirit renewal…the dining hall serves three amazing vegetarian organic meals per day, there are mineral hotsprings and sauna for soaking, and you have your choice for accommodations including adorable little warm cabins. June 22-26, 2016.
An incredible time for identifying what’s going on within you that you find disturbing, where your stressful thoughts come from, and learning and practicing the powerful four questions known as The Work of Byron Katie.
Our retreat is called Declare Peace, and my wonderful assistant and friend Susan Beekman brings her big heart, clarity, and long-time experience in facilitation of The Work to our group. Limited to 26 people, and we do sell out. Make your reservations soon to get the best sleeping arrangement. Come soak in inquiry…and peace.
24 Credits for Candidates in Institute for The Work, 26 CEUs for mental health professionals (Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work). Forward this to friends. Would so love to meet you!
(Secret surprise….everyone who comes to Breitenbush gets free access to Summer Camp for The Mind, the follow-up online camp of five calls per week, you can dial-in any time and keep on doing The Work July and August).
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What a victim.
Seriously.
Did you hear him say that?
I was having a conversation, on the inside of my own head, about one of my first clients when I first started out.
This client had one complaint after another. My terrible childhood. My horrible ex-wife. That awful accident. That ridiculous family growing up.
All the reasons why he screwed up and failed and can’t get a job, or can’t support his kids, or can’t quit smoking, and why he was an alcoholic for many years.
He’s such a victim.
Yeah, I agree 100%.
Refer him to someone else.
No kidding, he’s outta here. I am never meeting with this guy again!
My mind was already chattering away based on about three hours of being with him (three sessions), declaring that his perception of being alive was like a theater on 1st avenue downtown….
….All Victim All of The Time! Victims Come On In–Open 24 Hours Day Or Night! Nobody Loves Me! Nobody Cares About Me!
Ew.
Can’t he see how sorry he feels for himself, like he’s missed out when all these other people got the breaks?
I especially love the victim story of how he got accepted to Yale but his parents wouldn’t pay tuition, and he would have been classmates with “x” famous person.
And how his former wife created real war against him.
Such a shame, shame, shame, such a shame.
That’s his trumpet call….or maybe the oboe or the cello is more like it. Oh wait. The violin, that’s right.
But while this energy began to rise, sitting in his presence….listening….I also had another voice.
And I’m not talking about the voice that says what a mean, nasty person I am for being so harsh and presuming to know what’s best for this guy (he should stop being such a victim! duh!) or that I’m so horrible and un-spiritual and holier-than-thou and I should be more forgiving to this person and all sentient beings and stop being such an ass.
No. Not that voice. Not the Spiritual Advisor Voice.
Those two used to fight it out all the time. Getting nowhere, I might add. (You may have noticed this within yourself).
This was a new voice, a new sort of energy.
It had the feel of….
.….“Hey, do you notice how annoyed you’re getting with this man? This is worthy of inquiry. This is one of those places to look. Feel it. Find out what’s going on. Listen, listen. Don’t give up so quick about ever seeing him again.”
I remembered how some people I had thought of as the biggest victims in the world, who had really dreadful stories they could keep beefing up forever, surprised me with their wisdom and insight after doing The Work.
Or, not even that. They didn’t “need” to do The Work….they could be themselves and NEVER do The Work if they didn’t want to, and they showed me something unique and interesting. A wall I hit up against. A closet I needed to open.
So I remembered, for some weird reason that was not planned and not expected and I wasn’t “trying” to be “good” in my thoughts (thank God almighty) to be there with him, without my story.
Like a whisper.
Who would you be without your story right now, as you’re looking into this person’s eyes and sitting with them and watching them try to express how hurt they are, and how disappointed, and how full of despair and how hard it is to have the world done them wrong, and what a mess it all is?
What if I didn’t know why this guy was here, wanting to do The Work with me, but I assumed it was GOOD that he was here, with me…..FOR ME?
Wow. Yikes.
Interesting.
It didn’t mean I have to invite him to stay longer than an hour, or come back next week for that matter. Or ever see him again.
“Let’s slow down, and look at what you’re thinking here” I said.
“Let’s look at one single thought only, in one moment in time, in just one situation you’ve mentioned.”
He looked up, as if out of a trance.
“OK.”
He stopped talking. I suggested he look down at his worksheet and fill it out. He was sitting there with a blank worksheet, and 15 minutes had already passed into the hour-long session.
Now, it was dead quiet for a few minutes, while he scratched away with a pencil.
Later, I filled out my own worksheet on him, going backwards into that moment when I felt like I couldn’t stand another whiney comment.
“He should stop being such a bloody victim.”
Is it true?
Yes. Yes. Yes. I hated that energy, that story. So sticky, so needy, so addictive. Everyone else’s fault.
Can you absolutely know it’s true he should stop being such a victim?
Can you absolutely know he IS a victim?
Oh.
Wait.
You mean….he might not be a victim? Well, that’s crazy. Did you hear his stories?
I took a deep breath.
I suddenly noticed something profound. I had joined in believing almost instantly that he WAS a victim, and he should therefore stop.
I could only assume he should stop being that victim over there if I assumed he actually was.
Was he?
Could I absolutely KNOW it?
Yikes….but did you hear the highlights of his life, his tone, his attitude, his powerlessness, his……
No. Even though he was practically trying to convince me (and it basically worked, I realized, for awhile) I did not KNOW for sure he was a victim.
How do I react when I believe he’s a victim, or anyone is?
Strangely, I want to attack that person. Like I actually want to smack them away from me.
Sitting more deeply with this reaction….it’s a fear. I feel myself getting sucked into the story, I want to resist, I don’t like this dark story, I don’t like the river of They Did It To Me, or Life Is A Bitch.
I want to kill that story, like they say in the newspapers.
So who would I be without this thought that he’s a victim, and he should stop?
Wow.
It feels a little detached. Is this OK?
It feels like a gulp of grief in the throat, but a knowing where this is all going is actually very mysterious and very unknown. I might even hear what he’s saying and know he is a life force sitting here with me, right across from me, sharing this air and space and time and moment, just the way the floor, the carpet, the clock on the wall, the bookcase, and the doorknob are sharing this space in this moment.
Who would I be without the belief he’s had it bad? (And, it’s OK to imagine this thought, I’m not betraying his story or making it wrong that he’s telling it).
I’d be with him the same way I can be with the flower on the table.
Sort of in awe at how strange, how pretty, how unknown this living thing is, and feeling it alive with me fully in this moment….knowing it will also be gone soon, and this is the Way Of It.
Without the belief in Victimhood, and how it should be avoided (ha ha) I notice how we made it this far, both he and I. No idea what’s going on. But we’re sitting together. Here. That’s it.
What’s the opposite? What’s the turnaround?
He’s not a victim, and he shouldn’t stop being what he is, either.
Kinda funny, right?
Let’s look.
He is not a victim. He’s powerful, he’s life, he’s a creature, he’s sitting there making noise called “words” and “talking”. Why not? It’s a free country!
(I see a lightening flash image of a kid in my fourth grade class joking around. His white teeth bright as he smiles and laughs, running away towards the ball….”it’s a free country!!” and we’re all laughing, some kids shouting protests, everyone set loose with the joy of playing).
He should be exactly the way he is, in that moment.
I shouldn’t be a victim, not of his story (thinking I need to brace against his words like they could bother me), and not of my own version of the world and my Bad Stuff Happens view I get into if you give me just a teensy reason to worry (it doesn’t take much).
Why should he be as he is?
Well, it appears people go through rough events, to say the least, in this world. He’s reporting about his experience on the front line.
Grieving about these events is powerful. It helps them be expressed and moved through. We all know the “keep it to yourself” story doesn’t work so good. It often leads to suppression, addiction, ticks.
Why should this man be as he is FOR ME, the one apparently playing the facilitator role in that moment?
Because I got this amazing chance to question Victim-ness, in someone sitting across from me.
The most amazing turnaround is that he shows me….myself.
What I’m against. What I think I can’t handle.
Can I allow him to be just as full of complaints as he is? Why not?
Can I allow myself to be just as full of my complaints as I am?
Doesn’t that feel lighter and easier and less controlled?
Ha ha. Yes!
“What happens when we drop all the labels, all the learned descriptions, and face the raw energy of life, as it is in this moment, without trying to change, escape from, or cling to it? What happens when we drop all descriptions of what this moment is or is not and deeply feel into present sensations? This is where the real adventure of life begins…..It is the falling away of all ideas of how this moment should be.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
This moment (the one back then) should have included a man telling me a long story of his own powerlessness, suffering, and how it wasn’t his fault.
As he reported about his life, I felt my own resistance and instead of attacking it, or him, or me….I did The Work.
Isn’t what I always wanted was to have moments where my ideas would fall away of what someone else (and what I) should be like? Isn’t facing the raw energy of life, this client and the whole scene that went with it, a pretty easy way to drop labels and stories?
Thanks, client, for being just irritating enough that I had to go on the inner adventure I really wanted. It’s called Laughter and Gratitude.
Nice.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Got someone who bugs you? Retreat is an amazing place to turn it around with inquiry, silence, looking, and sharing with others. Come to Breitenbush in Oregon, or the 3 Day spring retreat in Seattle. Breitenbush is on early-bird special until May 1 (an amazing $100 off for $395 for 4 nights plus meals and lodging) andspring retreat is $395 for 3 full days in Seattle (no extra fees). This is a blast. The best kind.
Where the real adventure of life begins. A questioned mind.
We have ways to make you do that task. (Believe your thoughts)!
As someone who has a private practice, it’s weird how often I notice thoughts about Employment vs My Own Business.
The other day, one of my clients who has been working with me for a very long time, wanted to dig deeper into her thoughts about work and jobs and career.
She was at a crossroads, had been sitting there for awhile, and through the work we had done together she was wondering if she should go left, or right.
She needed to take action.
(She needed some money–although we had done quite a bit of work on that over time and she was fairly relaxed about money overall, and had a good chunk of it in the bank).
But “doing” something was calling to her.
I had her make a list about her beliefs about getting a new job, or starting her own business (she saw the choice between the two as a key dilemma, or decision).
I’ve done this work myself.
I decided to do it again, after my day was over and this client kept popping in my head.
Here are the stressful concepts I myself found when it comes to the two ways to make a living and earn money, which have been my primary options in life (so far):
Being Employed (Job):
Having Your Own Business:
Commuting
Volatile Income
Co-workers
Taxes
Required meetings
Hustling to fill retreats
Doing tedious or pointless tasks
Difficult (or irritating) clients
Must be onsite/at work
DIY (Do It Yourself or Hire It)
Five days a week
Working all hours, any time
Boring
People wanting it for free
As I sat down to make comparisons, I could see how fast the mind would like to see what’s good about that other position over there, and bad about this one.
Or….what’s good about this position here, and bad about that one over there. (I love how this comparison drops in quickly when hearing about another person’s difficult plight, or remember BAD scenarios from the past).
Every single item on each list is worthy of questioning and clearing the mind, with The Work.
But the other day, when I wrote out this list, I had an almost-aggressive feeling about the pointless, tedious tasks I used to have to perform at my previous job, as I remembered it.
Data collecting, and putting the data into an excel spreadsheet.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I loved having the data–it was quite fascinating, and I loved making the charts and looking at comparisons and sort of the big picture, and sharing them with the leaders involved who cared about these results….
….but I HATED that I had to do the data entry.
Yuck.
SUCH A DRAG! NEVER AGAIN! (Grrrr, RESIST).
Can’t someone else do this? It’s so stupid. And boring. A waste of my time.
I hate when you have a job, you’re an employee, and you have to do stuff you hate!
This is so close to the work my client did….let’s question it!
You may have had the same thought as well, about anything in life you dreaded doing, thought it was boring, thought it was repetitive, dull, annoying, even overwhelming…..
….but you HAD TO DO IT.
Is that true?
Yes. It’s in the job description. I could get fired if I don’t…..
Are you sure?
No. I’ve never told anyone how much I hate doing it. Not one single person at this company. Including my boss.
How do you react when you think “I HAVE to do this task!”
I put it off. I wait until the last minute possible. I try to think of rewards, or motivation, or what I’ll do when I’m done. I do it, and bear it rather than enjoy one ounce of it. I feel tense, and tired. I look at my co-workers and see what they’re doing, and notice it’s better (or worse).
I think about quitting. Inside my head, I actually say “when I quit, I will feel sooooooo good….” and dream of the day, in the future.
But who would I be right now, without the belief “I HAVE to do this task”?
What if you couldn’t think about how you’re forced to do it, or it’s required, or it’s necessary, or fundamental to success, or that you better do it, or else (big disastrous picture)?
Without this thought of being so against this task, what my client noticed was she might ask for help, ask others if they’d be willing to do it, work with a partner, find support, or even ask other people what they suggest about how to do this task stress-free!
As my client did The Work, I realized *ping* how I never, ever asked my boss if there were any alternatives to me doing the data entry.
I always went to all our meetings, especially our annual review meetings (the ones all about me and my performance) with anxiety, with a sense of wanting to be extremely pleasing, dreading any criticism.
I was so on the defense from receiving criticism and trying to be perfect, that I didn’t ask for support or talk about what I didn’t like, or even consider what I’d like to do more.
Wow.
Turning the thought around:
You do not HAVE to do that task.
Could that be just as true, or truer?
Yes, for me in my situation, I didn’t “have” to do it. No one was holding a gun to my head. I wanted to keep my job. I wanted to get praised. I wanted to be thought of as the one who did it right, and did it well, and didn’t make requests.
I kept doing it! This job was many years ago, and it only occurred to me during this client’s recent inquiry that I never explored one other option, not once, than Doing It.
Who believed they HAD to do it?
That was me.
Kind of coo-coo bird, how much I blamed the job. But I didn’t know, until now, to question that thought and stop being such a victim. Must be perfect timing…now.
“An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie
Argggg! The computer thingy won’t go right! The font won’t change! I can’t get a space between paragraphs! The website link isn’t working!
The Work on technical difficulties! Oh boy!
Small movements of attention to the little administrative happenings of life can seem silly to do The Work on….
….they are not matters of life and death, not the greatest stressors.
And yet, in that very moment when the “thing” isn’t working, or it broke, it’s not doing as you wish it to do….it can be very frustrating.
A wonderful microcosm of the way the mind has an opinion, so fast, that the l thing should NOT be the way it is, it should be different.
Sometimes these “smaller” situations for inquiry are actually fantastic for self-discovery, perhaps because there isn’t so much fear present.
Traffic, tardiness, the store closing unexpectedly, the paper getting torn, the files being misplaced, the form too complicated, a late fee getting added to the account, the wait in line being too long, the drawer not opening properly, the dish breaking, the battery too low, the library sending overdue notices, the drain being clogged.
There it is, so quick. I see the situation. I react.
The first question “Is It True?” dials it all back, to PRE-reaction.
It stops everything in motion.
Is it true that the thingy should be easier, different….that this piece of pottery should be united with that piece of pottery to make a whole dish?
No.
The dish is broken. In half. At this moment in reality, it should be broken.
Because that’s what it is.
How do you react when you believe the computer thingy should be different, should work, needs to go another way?
A wave of energy rises through my body, my hands make a clenched fist, I make a sound that is like a growl.
I remember my old lap top getting a virus.
I was driving it to a special place and paying several hundreds of dollars that was very difficult for me to pay at the time (I could question that now).
I remember the feeling of the hassle, the expense, the parking lot, the men who all worked in the sick-computer place. Driving there three times.
How do I react when I believe that it shouldn’t be this way?
I distrust the computer guys. I think about what evil person out there is sending viruses.
I think I need the communication the computer provides.
Inside, I’m reacting like its an emergency.
Who would you be without the thought that this thingy should be NOT broken?
Without the thought that it shouldn’t have gone like that? That it’s terrible if you’re late? That the virus shouldn’t exist? That the drain shouldn’t be clogged? That the toilet shouldn’t be dirty?
This is an amazing question.
What if everything around you, as it flows and moves and comes apart, breaks, takes longer, comes together, and dissolves….what if everything is as it should be?
It feels so light and incredible inside this body, without that thought.
Open, expansive, slowed down, waiting….but with curiosity, excitement, or gentleness.
I turn the thoughts around to the opposite, to see what could be an advantage to this going the way it is going.
“Any time the ego hits “victim” (which is all the time), victim role, victim identity, it’s secure. Can you imagine a planet where when it rains, we complain? I’m a victim of the rain.”~ Byron Katie
Today, in this moment, it’s good that the old laptop got a virus, the cup smashed, the door jammed.
Because I got a brand new more awesome computer.
Because I learn that it is truly OK, even better, that the thing is broken…then it becomes OK that my toe broke, my car stalled, I missed the flight…
….then it is OK that my house burned, my dog died, my dad got cancer.
I actually find advantages.
If I can’t…I find them in these “smaller” situations and notice, miraculously, that I am not a victim after all.
“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve. Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place. When you handle the master carpenter’s tools, chances are that you’ll cut you hand.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74
