Oooh relationships.
Love.
Mawage. (If you’ve seen Princess Bride, you’ll know this reference, so funny).
Divorce. (If you’ve experience this, or breaking up with someone, it may not be so funny).
Yesterday I went to Target, the big store in the US, with my daughter. She needed a belt to follow the dress code for her new job (which she gets to start Monday after much delay due to the pandemic) and groceries, and I needed a pillow.
Turning at the back of the store past the clothing aisles into the electronics and food sections….a huge pink wall on display was revealed.
Hearts, candies, gifties, jewelry, chocolates, pink candles, silk red roses, more candies.
Oh. Valentine’s Day is apparently coming!
I’ve done a little research on the origin of Valentine’s Day and it’s not exactly…pretty.
Either it has to do with martyrdom, sacrifices of goats and dogs, people thrown in jail for marrying couples in secret, executions, and/or an ancient Roman ritual of drunken naked revelry, beatings, and wishes for fertility.
Woah. Um. Kind of intense.
What remains of it today appears to be a celebration of romance and love and poetry and hearts. People get engaged and married, or celebrate together in coupled pairs on this day.
And when love has gone wonky, some people feel disappointed or sad they’re not “in” on the fun.
What a fantastic place for inquiry and investigation.
It doesn’t have to be about Valentine’s Day, either.
Just “love” in the form of romance.
What’s your perspective?
Is it disappointing? Sad? Difficult? Endless work? Passionate? Spicy? Complicated? Hoping against hope?
If it’s stressful, we’re invited with The Work of Byron Katie to question it.
And oh did I ever.
After my very first School for The Work in Los Angeles in March of 2005, I arrived home–literally–to my then husband saying he was no longer interested in being married. During our first conversation post-School.
BOOM.
I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me.
I felt a bit insane.
Some days this was thrilling and all the trapped feelings of following the “normal” flow of what was expected for my life was gone….and it was exciting and unknown.
Some days this was terrifying and I just wanted some solid ground to stand on.
My mind was a wild flip flop.
It felt like frantic grasping onto life without “my plan” (or what I thought of as the general successful plan for most couples).
Who was I without my belief that a relationship should go like “x” in order for me to be happy?
Woah. Really?
I can question that thought?
Yes.
What if there is no “right” and “wrong” way with relationship and relating?
What if we are moving always towards love, exploration, expansion, growth, creativity, joy?
Even if someone leaves.
Even if someone dies.
Even if someone annoys us.
Who am I right now without the belief I need that person to be ______ for me to be happy? (Kind, clean, respectful, productive, ambitious…..)
Without the belief, I’m a free person who is not dependent.
Not even dependent on that person being alive, in order for me to be happy.
I’m watching, playing, dancing, breathing….laughing even.
Life is quite ingenious, fascinating.
“There are universes that you may be missing, universes of wisdom that lie within you, which The Work can open you up to–your own answers to the questions, and the examples of your turnarounds are the key to those universes, the key to a kinder world and all the freedom that is your unlimited birthright.” ~ Byron Katie
Turning my thoughts around: This is not horrific, betrayal, abandonment, rejection, break-up, forever, failure.
Find examples of these TurnArounds are never meant, I find, to hurt us more or talk about us Not Deserving or something guilt-ridden.
These turnarounds are not about denying that something very powerful has changed, or happened, or ignited when it comes to this person and this relationship I’m considering.
But I love seeing that I can actually find examples for how this really isn’t that bad–not as bad as I think.
Never as bad as I think.
In my divorce; I was breathing, I took classes, I went to a second school for The Work, I volunteered in exchange for learning, I had dating conversations, I ran out of money and stopped believing I needed more “programs” in order to be happy, I found my center, I started working for money, I eventually paid of all my debt, I dated other people, I found a new home.
The whole wide world was available to me in that divorce.
No, it was not easy.
(Or maybe it was easier than I think)?
I also found how much I appreciated and admired and trusted my former husband. I was connected to him, and nothing could change that.
I realized one day, that if God had come along and said the following, I would have accepted it whole-heartedly, 100%, no looking back.
God/Reality/Source/Mystery: “I’ll bring you what you really want, and it’s going to hurt at first–badly maybe–but it will be amazing in the long-run. It will change your entire life. It will break your identity apart, in the best way. It will change the way you see life, and love. You’ll find an inner place of love you never recognized before, and it will guide you for the rest of your life. What will happen is: your husband will leave you. Are you in?”
Yikes.
But yes. I’m in. I Am Willing.
Turned around again: MY THINKING was horrific, betraying me, abandoning me, rejecting me, broken-up, failing.
All those horrifying moments…when all that was happening was a woman in a little adorable cottage sitting on a couch by herself.
What was the most difficult relationship I ever had?
Why, that would be my own thinking-mind and all its projections, memories, reminders, anticipations, worries, hand-wringings, small-ness, focus on safety, negative bias, perseveration, wishing, grabbing.
Innocently.
(I’m not blaming my mind).
“Becoming a warrior and facing yourself is a question of honesty rather than condemning yourself.” ~ Chongyam Trungpa
If you feel you still blame or condemn yourself for the relationship you’re in, or the one that got away, or the dream that isn’t manifesting itself….
….we can celebrate Valentine’s Day as a connection with What Is, even if we’ve been single, frightened, desperate, sad, lonely, lost.
I know that by questioning our interpretation of reality and relationship, we can find love in the oddest places.
Right here, on the couch.
Right here, in a quiet moment, reading.
Right here, looking out the window at the dusk sky.
Right here, seeing our loved one’s image in our minds who apparently no longer has a body in this lifetime.
Without the story of the absence of love, love is here.
If you’re not so sure….it’s OK….and let’s do The Work.
If you’re a person who suffers (a little or a lot) from relationship disappointment, upset or anguish….Nadine Ferris-France and I are joining together to offer a 5 day Relationship Retreat for the lonely, broken-hearted, longing or self-critical.
We meet for 4 consecutive days February 4-7 from 8-11am Pacific Time/ 11am-2pm ET/ 4-7pm UK and then one final stand-alone day on Valentine’s Day, February 14th, also from 8-11am PT.
We will dive into exercises specifically created to look closely at our beliefs about coupling, sharing, committing, leaving and being alone.
For those who have upset thinking about relationship….this retreat is for you.
Nadine and I have been offering a course in Relationship Hell to Heaven for a few years now and we have both gone through divorces and commitments to new partners and all the great ride this journey of relationship offers.
What we have found is that relationship is a path to awakening and freedom.
We’d love to share the road with you.
There is no requirement for being “in” or “out” of relationship.
The only requirement is interest in identifying the painful, sad, vicious or dreaded judgments of those you’ve loved (past, present, future) romantically, or noticing the mean, critical, disappointing thoughts you’ve had about yourself…and inquiring.
Valentine’s Relationship Hell To Heaven Retreat is sliding scale tuition ($275-$675 US). In addition to each live call, you will be paired with one other person daily during retreat to do The Work with them (a different person each day).
This is a wonderful immersion in partnering with others, and partnering with your own mind, for love.
Please write if you need further help in order to attend.
Read more and Sign up HERE.
“The secret of life that we are all looking for is just this: to develop through sitting and daily life practice the power and courage to return to that which we have spent a lifetime hiding from, to rest in the bodily experience of the present moment–even if it is a feeling of being humiliated, of failing, of abandonment, or unfairness.” ~ Charlotte Joko Beck
You are the one you’ve been waiting for.
(And you can be in relationship and still feel and know this).
Love After Love – by Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
We’re looking forward to the inner feast of Valentine’s Day.
The offering of troubles in relationship bringing us to our knees, and then to our senses.
To heal the wounding in close romantic relationship brings us to an open, willing heart. Who knows what can happen from there.
Join us here.
Much love,
Grace
