Tag: the work of Byron Katie

Posted on

Road Trip! But I’ll Still Be With You!

The magnificent Serenity Retreat is solidifying. Some incredible people are attending. Please visit my newly updated page to read about what’s being offered for this very high-end intensive in November 2014.

The fee is $12,997 but you’ll be quite astonished at what this includes and who you’ll get to rub elbows with. Take a look.

We’ll dive into inquiry and swim….coming out the other side with a new look at our own leadership of our lives, and what’s next.

****

Today, I’m on my way to Ca-li-for-ni-ay! Road trip!

I will be in silent retreat with a small group very soon. But believe it or not, I plan on writing Grace Notes this time every night.

Because they are like my own meditative inquiry process, and I love sharing with you.

Here’s a few pics from the recent Breitenbush retreat.

I hope you’ll join me for a class soon (see the colored list below after my signature) or the Meetup The Work of Byron Katie North Seattle on July 26th from 2-4 pm at the Lake Forest Park Library (google meetup.com and RSVP).

   

Much love,
Grace
Posted on

Now That Was Awesome! Breitenbush Live

Last day of June Summer Camp. Which means…tomorrow July Session starts!

If you want to connect to live calls in The Work for July, check it out and sign up HERE.

You can start at 8 am Pacific time on Tuesday, July 1st! Lots of calls to choose from. I hope to meet you in Summer Camp this month!

*******

I’ve come out of the luscious green old-growth forest to write to you!

It took me six hours to drive home. There was an exciting moment along the way where the wheel fell off on a car right in front of me.

More about that soon (I saw no cars crash, although I did see sparks flying)!

Before entering freeway world….we went deep into The Work at Breitenbush Hotsprings in Oregon in the annual 4.5 day retreat, for the fourth year.

There was a misty, soft rain pattering down most of the time this year, but of course the weather doesn’t matter one bit.

Inside our gorgeous round yurt with stained glass window up above, and soft carpeted floor, we have 28 minds doing their “work” between ages 17 and 77. They’ve come from far and wide, Florida, New York, California, and all around the Pacific Northwest.

One loving inquirer volunteered to go first last Thursday morning.

His worksheet was on the frustrations in teaching someone how to drive.

I thought of teaching my own son just within the past couple of years. The nervousness. Deciding not to hit the freeway yet….

….because I am the one who is too anxious, if he is the one driving.

The wonderful thought brought to the surface in our retreat: she should stop!

Everyone could find that thought. Everyone could feel that moment in their lives, in some situation, where they might have even been saying, or shouting, STOP!!!

And it wasn’t stopping.

You know what it’s like to want something or someone to stop, and they don’t.

Sometimes it can feel like you look around in the world, in your life…..and there is so much you’d prefer stopped.

Noise, traffic, talking, the grind of working, messiness, confusion, big feelings, addiction, depressive thinking, mean people, that troubling person who keeps accusing you of crazy things.

They should stop!

It’s true! I absolutely know that it’s true!

In our retreat we did an exercise I have begun introducing in most retreats or workshops I teach that are one day or longer, as a way to really contemplate and feel what your thoughts are like inside your body, how they affect the whole of you, this life force within you.

You can do it now:

Write down a thought that is disturbing, something you believe.

Maybe you have the same thought “that person (or thing) should stop”.

Now stand up and walk about, in the room you’re in, and feel what it’s like to believe this thought. Let you mind flash images, pictures, memories.

Let yourself feel the feelings…..

…..THAT PERSON SHOULD STOP!

In our beautiful yurt here at Breitenbush, all the inquirers walked about, heads down. Some backed up against the wall, rigid. Some felt like punching the air with fists.

Feel what the room is like, what your environment is like, how you feel about other people, when you’re believing it should stop.

Now pause. Take a deep breath.

Who would you be without the belief? If you couldn’t even think it, or have it cross through your mind?

It’s not stopping…..but you’re not believing it should, either.

I know it’s bizarre, especially if the activity happening (that you’d prefer would end) feels painful and hurtful.

But how do you move, without the thinking about it? How do you feel? What’s happening right now, in this moment?

In our retreat group, people noticed they felt suddenly INSIDE their bodies, they looked up, they wanted to smile. The room burst open with living-color, they could see everyone around them.

People hugged. Felt like jumping up and down, and running. Some felt their energy could hardly be contained inside this room.

What changed?

A thought.

I am beyond words today with the sense of gratitude, awe, reverence and inspiration found in the collective gathering of a beautiful group all doing The Work together.

Every person was such a gem.

They looked the most remarkable but not uncommon thoughts: the sudden death of a spouse, the pain from terrible trauma years ago at age ten, the fear of aging, the wish for someone loved to quit drinking.

That was the best Breitenbush retreat yet. I can’t wait until next year.

“Our true nature is not some ideal that we have to live up to. It’s who we are right now, and that’s what we can make friends with and celebrate.” ~ Pema Chodron

If you’d like to see Grace Notes on Facebook so you can share them with friends (yay!) then please click here and like my page.

Much Love, Grace

Posted on

Houston, There’s A Problem: How To Get Back Home

When I was in graduate school studying Applied Behavioral Science one thing I loved learning about was the very beginning first steps to approaching a “problem”.

Houston, there’s a problem.

OK….now what?

You have a certain (apparently limited) amount of time, you’re over THERE (outer space, for example) and you’d prefer to be back HERE instead (like, on earth).

Or you feel very frightened or anxious, you’d like to feel free before you die (your limited amount of time in years) and you’re not sure how to get from THERE (imprisoned) to HERE (liberated).

Hmmm.

In classes that I took on group work, group processes, and organizational development, the first thing we learned to do was to understand what was presently happening right in that moment, in that situation.

No trying to change it.

That may happen five seconds from now, depending on how speedy you’re trying to be, but first there must be a moment of taking in information and seeing what’s going on.

It’s an Intake Session in the world of health care, or mental health, or change efforts in a group.

This information gathering, the state of affairs in the NOW, is super powerful. That’s why I have people who work with me on food and eating issues keep a journal of their feelings around food, so they can see what’s going on without control, without any efforts to change it.

When you’re reviewing like a researcher your own mind, you may need a little (or a lot ) of help from friends.

Just like the Space Shuttle returning to earth, a team of people all thinking about something together, all discussing, looking, offering ideas, listening, brainstorming….

….these kinds of group connections and interactions and think tanks have always offered me profound, bubbling, powerful insights into PROBLEMS.

Not one of those brilliant engineers alone, all by themselves, could have gotten the astronauts home.

That’s why I love inquiry with a group.

You stay, through your connection to others and the combined power of the group energy….you stay, listen, clarify.

You hear things that make light bulbs go off.

I’ve been on a lot of meditation retreats. Everyone there doesn’t speak hardly one word, and yet we’re gathering with others intentionally.

We’re not in a room all alone (even though that might offer something amazing too).

“It’s important to realize that inquiry is about noticing, not about dropping the thought… Inquiry is not about getting rid of thoughts; it’s about realizing what’s true for you, through awareness and unconditional self-love. Once you see the truth, the thought lets go of you, not the other way around.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve been looking for a community, some might call it a sangha, to examine the mind and question your thoughts at a high, repetitive, deeply committed level, then this coming Year of Inquiry may be for you.

We begin in September together, on the phone, and with an in-person retreat for a weekend.

We travel together for an entire year, looking and noticing, and come together again in May for 5 more days in Seattle.

Every month there’s a new problem, to find our way home from.

We all do The Work together and separately, collectively waking up and returning again and again to planet earth.

If you’re ready to read more about a Year of Inquiry, click HERE.

“I feel like I’m tapping into such a good group, all these people with all this experience. I’m ready to learn fast, I feel like it’s on the fast track.” ~ YOI 2013-2014

“I feel I’ve made life-long friends but people who oddly don’t have to know any details about my life, but instead my inner life. This is what is most important to me. I am closer to this group than my regular friends. I feel I have a place of power to question what I believe.” ~ YOI 2013-2014

“I so appreciate this work, and this group. I love this group. I’m so happy that after going to The School, I have a community to keep on track in such a beautiful way.” ~ YOI 2013-2014

If you’re trying to get back to Houston, and you notice you have a problem with your thinking, join this group to question your mind, and change your life.

You can get assistance finding your way back home.

If you’d like to experience telecalls now, to get a feel for how this process might work for you, join us in Summer Camp for July.

Click to see it in action: Houston, There’s A Problem Here

Much Love, Grace

 

Posted on

Procrastination Graduation

At least once a month, I get an email from someone saying they’re procrastinating…and need to stop.

I need to act! Go! Start it! Do it! Finish it! Get it handled!

So infuriating, they know they want or need to complete something, and yet, nada.

Twenty years ago right now, this month, I was very pregnant with my son (turned out, he was born on the 4th of July).

I was also in graduate school.

I had taken all the courses, tests, the oral statistics exam (scary), written all my papers, read all the books, completed all class projects.

But I hadn’t finished my master’s thesis.

All my classmates got to walk through graduation, without me.

One of my favorite classmates and friends had his graduation party at my house (it was awesome) since I myself couldn’t have one!

Up to that point, even though I wasn’t graduating with all my friends and colleagues, I never had the thought that I was procrastinating by putting off writing that huge document. The thesis had to be accompanied by a very thorough “Action Research Project” where I would investigate an organization or a company, and help decide what blocks or problems existed there among staff, management, and systems and THEN help them make changes.

And write about the whole thing when it was over.

Since I was kinda nauseated at the beginning of that year of graduate school, I had made a clear decision to wait until next year to do this huge project. It could take 10 months to complete.

But then…the next year came, and I had a newborn, then a three month old, then 10 months…

I didn’t exactly feel like going out to businesses, dressing up in business clothes, and asking them if I could do a graduate thesis project on their company.

You only have five years to complete your whole entire master’s thesis when you’re getting a master’s degree. Students getting a PhD, a doctorate, have ten years.

Sounds like a lot of time, right?

There’s actually a term for almost-finished advanced degrees, which you may know If you’re part of that world: ABT.

All But Thesis.

Since my dad was a professor, I heard the term.

But I wasn’t too worried.

My son turned one, I started working part time as an editor. I could work at home. I didn’t go back to my old regular job.

I’ll do it pretty soon. I got this.

And then….I got pregnant again.

Now, I only had two years to finish this thesis. I had spent thousands of dollars on the tuition and gone through all that previous work.

It was now, or never.

I couldn’t live with never. I knew I would deeply regret it.

But I needed help, because the project was long, big and looming. The clock was ticking. I couldn’t put it off any longer, I wouldn’t even be ABLE to do it with a second baby.

I wish I had The Work back then…it would have been so helpful with the thoughts I had about contacting organizations, going to work in the one that said “yes”, interviewing all the staff, consulting with managers and leaders, and writing an 8 chapter thesis about the outcome.

This will be hard, this is scary, this is difficult, I don’t have time, I’d rather do something else, I want zero responsibilities, this sucks, I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant during grad school, I should have done it differently, I should stay home with my baby, I think I’ll go get some coffee.

When I look back at that time, I see that because the end result was so dang important to me (and failure seemed so terrible), the fear of not graduating after all the work I had already done was awful.

I asked for help.

Once again, the key to success….noticing that on my own, with my anxious, busy, reactive thoughts…

Nothing happened.

But one phone call to several people who really cared about me: my mom, one of my sisters, a close friend….

….was all it took to get off the ground.

They helped me focus on what I was thinking was “hard”, and see what we could put in place to make it easy.

I can look back on it now and call it the Turnaround Project.

*Childcare—I asked friends and one of my sisters, and they gladly volunteered

*Quiet writing time—I went to the library, I scheduled Saturdays from 2-5 pm for writing in my bedroom while my husband took our son out

*Creating and running two staff retreats for the organization I was working for—my mom’s big beautiful house

*Fear I was doing it wrong—meetings with my professors, phone calls to check in with them

The project was huge, and so worth it.

I finished, I published the thesis, it was a gigantic accomplishment.

I walked across the stage, graduating three years later than most of my friends from when we started grad school.

I didn’t know one single other student graduating that day with me.

But I walked, with my brand new baby in a sling across my shoulder (my daughter had been born two weeks before).

Tears began to well up and fall down my cheeks as I received my diploma, as I looked into the audience where my mom, my husband, my two-year old son, sisters, and a few friends sat clapping for me.

If you have a big project…or maybe even a little one…that you know you’d love to complete, or feel desperate to complete…

…you don’t HAVE to, of course.

But write down why you hate the project, what’s hard about it, what sucks, what feels burdensome…

….and question it.

Is it true? Are you sure?

Are you sure you want it to be super easy, not a burden, not something rigorous and demanding?

If you lived the turnaround, that it is NOT hard or impossible, that it does NOT suck, that it’s NOT a burden, that it’s a blessing, it’s completely possible, exciting, and you don’t even WANT it to be easy…

….who would you be?

“I never have the sense that anything I haven’t done is undone. I see the things that don’t get done as things that need a different timing; I and the world are better off without them, for now….

This life doesn’t belong to me. The voice says ‘Do the dishes’—okay. I don’t know what it’s for, I just do it. If I don’t follow the order, that’s all right, too. But this is a game about where life will take me when I do follow. There’s nothing more exciting to say yes to such a wild thing. I don’t have anything to lose. I can afford to be a fool.” ~ Byron Katie

That thing you’re procrastinating about today?

List your objections to doing it, see if they are true.

Ask for help. Let it go.

Graduate from your crushing thinking.

I noticed that yelling at myself to do something doesn’t work, so try something different for a change.

Posted on

I Made A Terrible Mistake

Have you ever felt horrible because of your own behavior, after you already did it?

You can’t take it back. You can’t change it. It happened.

And then the thought….I will never, ever, ever let that happen again. I will never do that again. Ever.

Humans have all different kinds of qualities they feel terrible about showing to the world.

Snapping at strangers, firey anger, vicious words at someone you love, addictive behaviors….

….or perhaps you’ve found your tears, sobbing, neediness, clinging, or desperation to be the most horrible quality you could reveal.

I will never, ever be needy. I will never cling or grab or reach for attention, love, or approval. Ick.

But let’s say you did want someone’s love, you wanted something to go your way, you made a scene.

One of the best ways I’ve found to work with self-inquiry on feeling embarrassed, wrong and humiliated….

….is to really deeply be with the scene that created the uncomfortable trait to come alive inside you in the first place.

A memory:

I walk up the pathway to the elegant, stately old house with happy and excited energy running through my torso. I’ve chosen a gorgeous shirt in a beautiful deep blue color, sexy jeans, delicate and feminine high-heeled sandals. I’ve put on make-up, the perfect amount of mascara, frosted lipstick, hoop earrings.

I like the man who lives here. I think we might officially call ourselves “dating” now.

He’s invited me to dinner at his home, after many meals out, and getting to know him for awhile as part of a educational group we’re both enrolled in.

Last night….was a big deal.

In the hotel at a conference we both attended, I spent the night with him. It was thrilling, sensual, hot.

I was smitten.

And now, the very next evening, with visions of last night replaying over and over with a thrill….I’m invited for dinner, at his house!!

He answers the door looking dashing, and I hug him and he smiles but seems a little preoccupied. He takes my hand and leads me to the full chef gourmet kitchen and shows me the meal he’s cooking himself for us, a Thai feast.

And then.

“That was so interesting last night. I now get the meaning of Friends With Benefits.”

My heart collapses, a surge goes through my whole system. My stomach clenches.

I’m choking down the urge to cry. I will not cry, can’t show I’m shocked. I’m breathing shallowly, the feelings in my chest are churning.

Oh. That’s how it is. Oh.

I stay awhile, make light conversation, then say that I’m not feeling that great for some reason, make excuses, I’m sorry, then leave. He’s super casual, saying we can take a rain check, no big deal.

I will never, ever do that again. I will never let that happen, ever. I’m too trusting, too needy, I make assumptions. I’m a loser.

Is that true?

Deep breath.

No. I’ve worried about it being true, but I can’t really know it is.

How do you react when you believe you made a mistake? That there’s something wrong with you? That you shouldn’t have done it.

Horrified, ashamed.

Focused on that other person, in this case the man, and seeing ME through HIS eyes (the vision is awful).

Stop.

Who would you be without that thought, that you made a mistake…or that he made one either?

Without the belief that something went wrong, that you have to make sure it doesn’t happen again?

Last night the Year of Inquiry group worked the thought, “I don’t fulfill my promises.”

Same stressful principle. I screwed up.

Turn the thought around: I will always, always let that happen again. I will make a mistake, blunder, make assumptions again. Definitely. I will accept that I am sometimes needy. I will probably cling or grab or reach for attention, love, or approval. Hooray!

Hooray?

Yes, hooray. Why not?

I’m a human being. So are you. Being human.

Being.

“When someone says the world is a terrible place, he becomes the champion of suffering, projecting that there’s something wrong here, something less than beautiful.” ~ Byron Katie

That includes you saying you are terrible….why not be simply, you. With flaws.

With a completely different tone and feeling inside, I say to the man now, looking back on that scene….

….”Oh! That’s how it is! Oh! How thrilling! Thank you so much for telling me the truth! The adventure continues!”

And actually, that IS what really happened.

I just didn’t realize it right away.

Maybe you haven’t realized how the mistake you made, that dumb thing you thought or did, was just perfect for what needed to happen next.

Much love, Grace

 

Posted on

Not For Everyone, But Maybe For You: A Private, Special Retreat

I am thrilled and jumping up and down (on the inside)!

Because a dream I’ve had that others have suggested to me before, something I couldn’t imagine only a few years ago, is now coming into reality this fall.

For five+ years now, I’ve been working with people who hate their bodies, people who struggle with eating, people upset by aging, their flaws, their appearance, a difficult spouse, trying times with kids, and those frightened about money and lack of support.

As one of my favorite authors and teachers, Geneen Roth, summarizes it….

….it’s the suffering of Not Enough.

Every single workshop or class offering inquiry to those struggling with food and eating, pain or illness has offered profound teaching for me personally.

I’ve been learning how I can transmit the information I have of freedom from the prison of worrying about food, trusting my appetites, accepting this body and its flaws, allowing money to come and go freely, letting go of anxiety, feeling grateful and feeling deeply beautiful….

….to you.

I’ve loved my own journey every step of the way (well, ok, I didn’t exactly LOVE it every step of the way) and living this ever-expanding life with you means the world to me.

You may know where I came from, but if you don’t, it’s kind of embarrassing and ugly.

At least that’s how I used to feel.

I was anxious about overeating, upset when too hungry, and never, ever satisfied with the way my body looked. I went on huge binges, stuffing my face with everything in sight. I pushed myself hard with exercise.

I lost almost all my assets and money, and never had a satisfying career. My relationships were somewhat rocky, I got divorced. I yelled at my kids.

I felt flawed.

The stressful beliefs began when I was a kid, and surfaced more deeply when I was in high school. Then they got more sophisticated and I became a nutrition expert (without a degree), and bulimic, and life felt frighteningly unpredictable.

Ugh.

What I really, really wanted was total freedom from thinking about my life in such a painful way.

It’s agonizing to imagine that something is wrong with you, with your body, your mind, your feelings, and that you’re a failure when it comes to being here on planet earth.

Then, on top of feeling unacceptable, I would criticize myself for being self-critical.

I should know better! I should be nicer to myself! I’m acting like a teenager! I need to get a grip!

You can’t win, with this kind of loop-dee-loop thinking. It’s like bouncing back and forth between a rock and a hard place, like a ping pong ball on steroids, never getting any relief.

I sought many modalities of healing and all of them were excellent.

Individual therapy, group therapy, The Course in Miracles, meditation, The Work of Byron Katie, retreats, counseling, training, spiritual teachings, twelve steps.

And now I’m ready to combine them into core teachings for healing the mind’s attack on the body, on other people, on food, on money, on life, and end that war.

I find there are six areas of stressful beliefs, some that begin when you’re only a child, that contribute deeply to Not Enough-ness.

You can question them all, and shift.

They are responsible for immense suffering.

These areas are:

  • If I don’t look acceptable, people won’t like me. If people don’t like me, I’ll suffer. Therefore, find out what acceptable is, and look like that.
  • My feelings are not to be trusted, or shown to others. They upset people.
  • I am not safe in many situations. The world (full of people) is a chaotic, disturbing or terrifying place.
  • My thinking is not my friend.
  • There are many activities that can change my feelings about situations that are troubling…like eating, smoking, drinking wine, cleaning, getting a crush on someone. But they all hurt in the end.
  • I am my body, my body defines who I am.
Boy howdy, when your feelings are not trustworthy, and your thinking is not trustworthy, and the world is not trustworthy….then you are up sh*t creek, philosophically speaking.
But there is a way out, entirely, from that madness.
You can question what you learned was true, from your earliest memories all the way to now.

You can alter your beliefs, your mind, your feelings….by changing what creates discomfort for you in your own belief system.

In other words, if you don’t like the way a thought makes you feel, you can question it and find out if it’s really, really true.

When I was in my twenties, I felt desperate to find answers. I had some fantastic guidance, but I wish I had found a clear resource to look at my inner thoughts and what I was making things mean in my life.

Now, I don’t even have to “work” at it.

Don’t get me wrong, my mind still has troubling thoughts. Just the other day I saw my 53 year old wrinkles around my eyes and let out a sigh.

But then I chuckled.

And if I don’t, I’ve got The Work.

Who would you be without the belief that you are Not Enough, that people won’t like you, that you need to be liked, that there is Not Enough money, Not Enough attention, that you must protect yourself from a hard world?

Kind of amazing to consider, right?

Which brings me to why I’m so excited….

I’m offering a very deep focused immersion into self-inquiry, spiritual inquiry, The Work and experiential exercises I’ve found to be amazing to address the sense of feeling lack, disappointment, anger, fear, discouragement…..

…..to a very small group of eight people.

The Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat.

If you enroll in this unique once-in-a-lifetime retreat, offered November 10-13, 2014, you will look at the nooks and crannies where you have believed in Not Enoughness.

You will look at who you really are, what is genuinely true, and what’s gotten in the way of your freedom.

You will have access to the nurturing, care, enough-ness, beauty and wisdom that lives inside of you, that’s been here all along even through your self-defeating behaviors.

You can put down trying to solve the problem of life, money, kids, spouses, food and weight, and build your contact with unconditional love.

We’ll question painful messages of fear and hurt, of thinking there is something wrong with you.

You’ll open to truly imagining there isn’t.

I would love to support you to put down the battle, the project of self-improvement forever….and I know you can’t stop your thoughts, and you can’t control them.

(Control never works in the end).

But you can turn your attention to other truths, you can stop proving that your stressful thoughts are true, and prove the peaceful ones instead.

This is not your average, in-house retreat where I have people come to my cottage for a day or two. This particular format will appeal and be possible for only a very few.

We will be in luxuriously cared for, with special guest appearances via skype or in-person by teachers who are experts in spiritual inquiry (and maybe you’ve heard of them).

I’ve asked several important guides, and it is yet unknown who will be able to connect with us for sure. It will be a surprise!

You will be able to ask personal questions and have direct contact with them.

This experience will be different than large meditation and educational retreats attended by hundreds. You will not contend with crowds.

And I’ll offer you my own experience and strength, and my compassionate facilitation.

“The Way of Liberation is a call to action; it is something you do. It is a doing that will undo you absolutely. If you do not do the teaching, if you do not study and apply it fearlessly, it cannot effect any transformation. The Way of Liberation is not a belief system; it is something to be put into practice.” ~ Adyashanti

You can turn all of your beliefs around, and live a life of completely, utterly, unconditionally enough at every turn, around every corner, deep inside of you.

You can start practicing it now, by turning the troubling beliefs to the opposite:

  • I can look the way I look, people love me. If people don’t like me, I’ll won’t suffer. Being myself is acceptable.
  • My feelings are to be acknowledged, honored, and shown to others. They don’t upset people. Or me.
  • I am safe in every situation. The world (full of people) is a mysterious, magical, curious and loving place.
  • Thinking is my friend.
  • There are no activities that can change my feelings about situations that are troubling…except self-inquiry, self-love, allowing everything and everyone to be as they are.
  • I am not my body, my body cannot define who I am. My body is inside of me, as is everything else.
At the Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat

you will stay in five-star award-winning accommodation Willows Lodge in Woodinville, Washington. Our group will be fully catered for every meal. We will work with the abundance of beauty and food as part of our inquiry practice, and what is enough.

For many others who will not be able to do this due to cost…. ….have no fear, I’ll be presenting my teleclasses this summer starting soon in July, and YOI (Year of Inquiry) in September…and I am working on pre-recorded classes you can take on your own.

(Eating Peace will be the first class people can take online on their own, stay tuned).

“We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.” ~ Marianne Williamson

Letting yourself experience this four-day retreat of deep self-inquiry, The Work, presence, now….you may discover a new light within that is both serene and ecstatic, when you know how loved you are that no situation, person, place or thing can change this.

And who knows what can happen from there.

The Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat is by application only.

If you are interested, please click this link. I will respond to all applications on a first-come, first-serve basis. Please apply by July 4th, independence day in the US. Your payment will be due upon your acceptance into the program and confirms your participation.

Thank you universe for this incredible opportunity to be a guide along your journey.

Wherever you are, and whoever you are, you are love.

“Love is action.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Ouch! What To Do With Negative Thoughts About Your Looks

A few years ago I was the speaker for a women’s event at the Center for Spiritual Living in Seattle.

The topic was, of course, The Work of Byron Katie.

I had everyone in the audience (there were about 100 women) fill in Judge Your Neighbor worksheets on one situation that really bothered them, maybe for a long time, in their personal lives.

I noticed something interesting, and yet not at all surprising, when I asked for volunteers to share what they had written.

Seven out of ten of the volunteers wrote about something being wrong with their weight, body, appearance, or how they ate.

One woman said she hated the way her butt looked, and her size. Another said she hated her wrinkles at age 60, and that they kept getting “worse”.

Yesterday, I was interviewed (yes, the second time in a week, weird I know) by a wonderful friend and colleague Audra Baker who works with women in nutrition, fitness, exercise and finding freedom and love in all these areas.

She sought me out to share with her peeps about undoing some of the core beliefs about appearance….one of my favorite set of beliefs to undo.

She bravely used her own belief to show the audience how The Work can work.

Her painful belief?

My weight should be my ideal weight.

At the women’s conference at the Center for Spiritual Living I heard these thoughts: my wrinkles are ugly, my thighs are too big, my arms are to jiggly, my belly is too fat, I look too old.

Often, I hear people get angry at themselves for even HAVING these thoughts in the first place….I should know it doesn’t matter! I’m more than a body! I refuse to be so superficial!

But have you noticed, the mind will run these thoughts anyway, despite your best efforts at controlling these kinds of thoughts about your appearance?

So let’s dive into them, look at them head-on, and see what happens.

Your weight (you fill in the blank for what you find unattractive about yourself) is NOT the right weight for you.

Is that true?

Yes! I saw my body! I walked by the store window, I looked at myself in the mirror, I tried on my old jeans. All these prove that this is true!

But can you absolutely know that it is true? If you were all of divine consciousness, if you saw with the eyes of the absolute and infinite?

Are you positive your weight is not ideal?

Are you sure your body is ugly, unattractive, or that it will send people running for the hills? That people won’t find you beautiful? That it means there’s something wrong with you, or that you’re flawed?

No. I can’t know any of this is true.

How do you react when you believe the thought that what you saw in the mirror was repulsive, wrong, ugly, droopy, fat, thick, too big, too small, too old?

Depressed, discouraged.

All the women I’ve ever done The Work with answered that they felt small, shrunken down. Sometimes they wouldn’t even go out to a party, or to the beach, or walk down the street happily. They’d cover their bodies up.

They’d shrink.

So now the big beautiful question….who would you be without that belief? Who would you be without the thought that what you saw to be wrong, actually IS wrong?

If you couldn’t even THINK that thought when you saw that reflection in the mirror? Or when you saw the scale read a number you don’t like.

WOW.

During our interview, Audra said without that thought, her whole mind expanded, her consciousness grew infinitely bigger, she felt lighter.

A weight lifted off her heart.

I saw her put her palm to her chest, so touching.

I noticed I had the thought just the other day putting lotion on my face that my skin really was looking old and very wrinkled around the eyes.

Without that belief that there’s anything wrong with that, my actions move on to the next thing, I don’t avoid anything, I flow with the space of the day, the joy of being alive.

I notice that what’s inside, the deep inner center space inside, could care less.

Turning the thoughts around: What I’m seeing is gorgeous, ideal, perfect for now.

These wrinkles, this weight, this butt, this stomach should be exactly the way it is. It’s a GOOD thing.

How could this be true? Can you find three examples?

My wrinkles give me wisdom, the authority of someone a little older, I move beyond appearance because it’s too late to be involved with that (ha ha!), I surrender to the knowing that this physical, natural thing (this body) softens, bends, moves.

I see the groves of the canyons and mesas I see in Colorado and how phenomenally stunning they are. I notice I don’t believe the valleys, rivers, lines and canyons should not be there.

These wrinkles are absolutely beautiful. This weight is ideal. This butt, this stomach, these thighs, these arms, this body…all so stunning, miraculous, sensual, alive.

Live that turnaround! Oh happy day!

“Too fat, too short, too tall, too thin…bad, bad, wrong, wrong!… Every body is perfect, Now. Every body is perfect, NOW. It doesn’t mean it won’t change, but for now, this is the body you need to be you…..There’s a perfect thing going on here, there’s not one thing out of order.” ~ Byron Katie

Really considering what is good about this state of this body, in this moment, today, is the most heavenly feeling of liberation.

Freedom from all these thoughts of how the body needs to change, in order to be truly happy. Freedom from concern about ugliness, rejection, fear.

Can you find your good reasons for your current body being the way it is?

Share them on the Grace Notes page, I’d love to read your turnarounds!

Much love, Grace

P.S. I’m cooking up an intensive in-person immersion in The Work on the Body and Beyond…the spiritual path of unraveling your stressful thinking. More on this very soon in Grace Notes.

Posted on

So Much To Do? Rest Here Now

After a retreat, vacation, travel, or some special time of learning something unique and new there’s something people refer to as the after-workshop glow.

Today, as I slept in (crazy unusual for me) after late-night conversations, singing around the campfire outside, and three intense days in learning and connecting with others, I feel very excited about…..well, EVERYTHING.

And then there was a little thought, not unfamiliar, which said “but you don’t have very much time.”

Oh brother, not TIME again.

Can’t you give it a rest?

Do we have to be concerned with time, and how much or how little or the quality or the apparent endless scarcity of it?

Visions of what I need to and want to do float through my head, even as I’m lying in bed after sleeping so deeply and so long.

I need to put the final touches on Year of Inquiry which I’ll take applications for soon…it starts in September!

I need to arrange a very special retreat I’ve been thinking about putting together for awhile for a very small group because enough people have asked.

I need to get ready for this next month of Summer Camp for The Mind for everyone who wants to be in the July session!

Answer emails! Get some tech stuff in place on my website! Write to so-and-so! Replace my dresser in the bedroom! Finish that book!

I need to, I need to, I need to…

Oh boy. I know I’ve written about time and stressful beliefs about it before, but these thoughts sure are persistent and gripping.

Let’s look again, from a new angle.

Why do I need more time? Why do I want all those things done anyway?

The mind imagines that with all these things completed, there will be a moment in the future when nothing is required, when you can rest and feel peace.

But not now, because they aren’t done yet, right?

I can’t truly rest with all these things unfinished.

Is that true?

Yes. They are in the back of my mind. Even writing this Grace Note, I’m thinking just a little about what will happen after that, what I may have to set aside until later, how I can best use the afternoon, blah blah.

But can I absolutely know that it’s true that I can’t truly rest with all these things unfinished? I can’t enjoy and relax right here, now, even with a big to-do list?

No.

Instantly with that recognition that the answer is “no” I look up.

I see the room I’m sitting in. Books, window, beautiful gleaming wooden floor, sun coming through edge of window, power cord, full tea cup.

I feel this moment, this room. Even with a mind scampering around shouting about what needs to happen.

This body relaxes, I feel the center of it, something very quiet and dark and deep, that knows all is well and none of all that stuff even matters.

Something so funny about it!

Who would I be if I couldn’t even think the thought that I can’t rest until all these things are finished, or it’s going to be better later when they are?

I feel a deep gratitude, that this moment is all that is necessary.

There is no future moment when everything is done, unless there is, but none of that is necessary right now.

It’s so amazing how the mind conceives of the joy I will experience from the completion of all these events and activities, and what should happen soon….

….and then takes off without waiting to notice that things are also very, very well right here in THIS moment, now.

Even if you are in traffic and you’re supposed to be somewhere in five minutes that isn’t physically possible….

….instead of feeling anger at the other cars, the street, your condition, your situation, lack of time….

….what if you knew all was so perfectly in order, you couldn’t possibly adjust time to make it better for you. Because it’s good NOW, as it is. Unfinished.

I CAN truly rest with all these ideas, tasks, activities unfinished.

That is far, far more true. That is true in every moment.

WOW.

“Time is in the mind, space is in the mind. The law of cause and effect is also a way of thinking. In reality all is here and now and all is one. Multiplicity and diversity are in the mind only.The mind craves for formulations and definitions, always eager to squeeze reality into a verbal shape. A quiet mind is all you need. All else will happen rightly, once your mind is quiet. As the sun on rising makes the world active, so does self-awareness affect changes in the mind. In the light of calm and steady self-awareness inner energies wake up and work miracles without effort on your part.” ~ Nisargadatta Maharaj

I know in this moment, I would rather see what happens next without effort on the part of my mind.

Oh, look at that. This Grace Note is complete and only 35 minutes have passed….

….but by writing about these thoughts, awareness shines in me and my whole body is more relaxed.

It’s still morning, the sun is brighter, I hear a skateboarder ride by outside and birds calling.

Time, apparently, to stand up and go out.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you’d like a taste of guided work with me (with you), so you sit still, do your work, join with others…then come on board for Summer Camp in July. Small group of truly incredible inquirers, ready to investigate thoughts that hurt. Only $97 for all the calls you can make (there will be seven during July). Click HERE to register.

 

Posted on

How To Work With Depression

Sometimes people ask me to write about special topics they feel confused or unhappy about.

I love it when that happens.

The other day an inquirer asked me to write about depression, and not really understanding why.

In some ways, most feelings start out without full explanation.

They envelope the body, course through our torso, our face feels hot, our stomach fluttery.

What does depression feel like?

I remember it well.

Like a huge volume dial has been turned down to one, where it was once at a ten, all around the heart. This quiet, dead feeling expanded down my arms and legs.

Tired, heavy, curled over in the gut, feeling like I couldn’t stand up.

The word depression sounds like it feels…..pressed down deeeeep.

Long ago a therapist, or perhaps a workshop leader, said depression was anger or grief imploding inwards.

Trapped, stuck, flattened.

But I don’t want to turn it outwards! That would result in raging at other people, or sobbing my eyes out, expressing how disturbing I find the world, acting crazy….right?

I can’t just start FEELING right in front of everyone!

Can I?

If you find the very idea horrifying, there is a way to slow this process of uncovering and taking the pressure off the implosion slowly, one thought by one thought at a time.

Like easing the air out of a big blown up balloon.

Don’t go thinking you’ll have to identify 1480 thoughts before the depression lifts, that’s just another depressing thought.

So here goes:

If your feeling of depression could talk and you set it in a chair, looking like a big lump of gray mottled nasty something, what would it say?

What are the ideas it has about what hurts, what feels painful, what you object to?

  • Life is difficult
  • I can’t stand “x”
  • My work situation is “y”
  • My family life is unpleasant because “z”
  • What I really hate about life is “q”

Once you have that first idea, write why you think this thought.

Find your proof.

Don’t talk yourself out of the exercise and say it’s not all that bad, you already know life is good, you were just kidding.

Pretend you’re not kidding.

“Life is difficult”.

Why? Make a list. Write what seems difficult about being alive here on planet earth.

See if you can make it personal, as in, what is difficult for YOU about being here.

If you give yourself only 15 minutes to write, give or take a few minutes, you will follow the breadcrumbs to what ails you, what you’re believing and thinking at a deep level.

You will have one step on this dark journey taken, like driving on a foggy, foggy road with headlights on very slowly going 5 mph. It doesn’t matter that you’re moving so slowly, and it’s so hard to see. You still see something.

You’re moving.

Here’s the good news: nothing stays the same.

It may feel like you’ve been depressed for months, years. But no feeling, not even joy, is full powered on 24/7.

Once you have one thought, the one on top, you can take it through inquiry.

Get someone to facilitate you. Write out your answers. Call me, Grace, and make an appointment for an individual session, I’d be honored to work with you.

Most of all, while you’re exploring the darkness…let it stay there.

Don’t try to push it away or turn on all the lights at once. If they’re going to do that, they will in due time all by themselves.

Welcome the darkness, the depression. Have tea with it. It’s hear for an important reason, with something significant to say.

You don’t want to get rid of it too soon to understand its message.

“For a tree’s branches to reach to heaven, it’s roots must reach to hell.” (medieval alchemical dictum)

 Deep breath. Go. No expectations.

“It’s good that it hurts. Pain is the signal that you’re confused, that you’re in a lie.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love,
Grace
Posted on

Happiness Is Giving Up How They Should Change

A long time ago I had a male friend who was super quiet. Very shy.

I had the thought from time to time that he was too passive and dweeby.

The other day I was reading a sweet book called The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry by Rachel Joyce.

The main character is an unassuming man, quiet, very careful, teetotaler, risk-averse. You’d probably call him shy. British and contained.

I’ve always loved many things about this type of character, having spent time in England as a child. I was born in London. (I’m a British citizen even though you wouldn’t know it from my accent. I sounded British when I was seven though).

But as I was reading, I also noticed a few memories surface.

Of my dad, of course…..and then spreading on from that original implant or impression to other men with that stereotypical personality of reservedness.

He should stop being so freakin’ careful, for crying out loud!

He should speak the truth, look up, not be afraid of confrontation, say no when he means it, say yes when he means it, ask for what he needs, pursue what he wants!

God, what a waste of time being careful and holding BACK!!!

Oh. (Clearing throat).

Got carried away for a second. Apparently this gentle character in the story I’m reading set me off into memory-ville about my long lost friend…and my dad…and other men I’ve known.

Apparently there’s a pattern here.

These men should stop being so careful…is that true?

Why would I want that? What does it mean about them, about me, when I perceive them as too careful?

If someone keeps their thoughts and feelings bottled inside and is constantly frightened of confrontation, what’s really bad about that?

They would dissolve into nothingness, never make a difference, they would have a pointless life, they wouldn’t matter, they wouldn’t make an impact, or connect with others (or with me).

And why would THAT be a bad thing?

Because it feels disconnected, lost, distant, apathetic…

….unloving, uncaring.

Oh boy. We’re back to the old underlying belief “he doesn’t care about  me.”

Let’s take a look again today.

He or she doesn’t care about me.

Is that true?

Yes. If they cared, they’d be willing to reach out, stop caring so much about only themselves and how nervous they are, and relax for once. They’d take a stand. They’d talk, ask questions, respond, write, call, reach out.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that this character trait, this way of being (controlled emotions, careful, suppressed) is really bad? Are you sure it means someone doesn’t care?

No.

How do you react when you think someone should be bolder than they are, when they should spit it out, talk, or stop being shy or nervous?

Frustrated! Guilty! Furious! Demanding!

I’d be like Harold’s son in the story I’m reading. Angry and disgusted.

I growl. It’s really not that fun.

So who would you be without the belief that those people should stop being so careful? And show they care?

Something gentle happens inside.

Letting everyone be exactly the way they are. Doing what they do, acting like that, so proper and controlled and withholding or whatever.

I see how kind and patient they are. Willing to not know, to be confused, to wait. I see how much they care, and also that it doesn’t matter really, if they care or if they don’t.

Turning the thoughts around: those men should not stop that way of being, they should be just as they are. I am the one who should stop being careful and withholding, who should show how much I care about them.

Instead of feeling critical, I might notice what I appreciate about them.

I should care about myself, and if I desire speaking up, then do it.

I should express, feel, show, be who I am without hesitation, without controlling myself, without fear, and with compassion.

“She doesn’t expect results, because she has no future. She realizes the efficiency, the necessity of the way of it, how full it is, how rich, beyond any concept she could have of what it should be. In that realization her life is always renewed. She herself is the way of it, always opening to what comes, always contented.” ~ Byron Katie

If I am always open to what comes…and here comes the uptight nervous proper one…I can give him a big huge hug because I notice he is so adorable, so tender, soft, easy, patient, concerned, and thoughtful.

He is strong, resilient, direct and simple, loving and caring. That’s also true.

Today I live the amends to my father, loving the quiet sweet men I have in my life who are so brilliant, yielding and open.

Noticing the support they’ve given.

“Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace