Tag: the work of Byron Katie

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The Body Games

A very common experience of being in the human body is to criticize it, think it needs improvement. This body is too old, too round, too slow, too sick, too scarred, it hurts too much, too fat, too ugly, too wrinkled, too bumpy, too imperfect.

Olympic athletes are those of us humans who are zoning in on maximum human capacity for precision, speed, grace, power. By comparison, this group appears to be out there on the edge of the curve, the closest to perfect. Everyone shows up at the same place to compete, to do their absolute best. To win.

The thing is, it’s called the Olympic GAMES. But to a lot of people competing, or watching, it might not be a game exactly. At least it’s not fun. It’s REALLY SERIOUS.

I remember reading when I was a kid about the original Olympic Games being a fight to the death. That does seem quite serious.

Looking at our bodies for some of us becomes extremely life-and-death oriented. I see the flaws, I grip against that picture. I hate it. I decide to fix it, I’ll do anything to bring it up to More Perfect.

Samsara is the word in Sanskrit used for the activity of humans perceiving reality with an agitated or unsettled mind. A continuous flow of birth and death, never ending. Like being trapped in a strange and very creative dream where life repeats itself in different forms endlessly; suffering, achieving, ecstasy, devastation. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

The idea enters for many of us, just like the ancient religions, that it would be nice to get off the treadmill of happy-sad, good-bad. To get past it somehow, feel peaceful and non-reactive to everything.

This includes this body. It gets injured, it changes, it ages, but I long to accept it anyway, to not be affected by its changes like when I’m believing it’s a matter of life or death and it’s freakin’ Very Serious.

But that’s easy to say, not so easy to actually do. Right?

I heard Adyashanti speak once of Samsara as being Closed.

Samsara is a movement AWAY from what is actually happening. It means I don’t like it, I want it to change, I find it unpleasant….I’m against or I want to avoid this person, this thing, this event, this situation. I want to avoid having an imperfect body.

To be truly open to this body, to let go of wanting it to be different…wow, that’s an amazing feat. But possible. Very possible!

In fact, even being willing to let go of wanting it to be different, is an amazing thing to experience.

I remember discovering that I imagined that if I didn’t have the thought that my body needed improvement, then it might become worse. Uglier, repulsive, sick, inadequate…dead.

I believed I had to keep the thought that the body needs to be improved, or else DISASTER. No winning the GAMES! Not even a chance.

What I found, however, was that the body runs itself in the most amazing way, without my improvement plan, without my criticism, without my harping, my judgment, my energy, my hatred, my anger, or my control or planning. This body lives, without me living in Samsara with it.

My critical thinking is not actually necessary for the body to be wonderful as it is. In fact, less thinking about the body has led to greater enjoyment of it.

Kind of like the world. It runs without my opinion. And I find it’s more peaceful the less I give an opinion, the less I judge it and criticize it.

The more Open I am to each moment, to every person I encounter, to the image I see in the mirror, the more power I actually have to facilitate change, beauty, clarity. Now how funny is that?!

The more I see it really as a GAME, a fun game, not a serious matter of life-or-death, the more I accomplish, the more I create.

“Governing a large country is like frying a small fish. You spoil it with too much poking. Center your country in the Tao an evil will have no power. Not that it isn’t there, but you’ll be able to step out of its way. Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear by itself”~ Tao te Ching #60

Governing this body, I spoil it with too much mental poking. Criticism and comparison is all around in my consciousness, in the magazines with picture of models, in the news with pictures of amazing athletes. But I can step out of the way. I don’t oppose this body, I don’t attack it for being the way it is, and the hatred of it disappears.

At the moment of the performance, in the Olympics or otherwise, I am so much more in the flow without poking. I only get there by questioning what I think is true. By not believing it is True that this body isn’t good enough, all is empty around me, unknown, mysterious. A Fun Game.

Love, Grace

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You Don’t Need More Money

Money is such a fascinating topic, so many opposing thoughts and ideas. Most of us feel pretty sure we want more of it. More is better. Less is worse.

Inquiring around money, I have found, offers so much awareness about Wanting and Not Wanting, it has the kernel of understanding everything about my perception of life. Wow! Really? Yes, really.

Here is this thing called Money. I use it to trade for other stuff. I like the stuff. I like books, fixing my broken bathroom, and going on retreat. I like taking classes, buying gifts for people, and buying groceries for my family.

The Money itself is not stressful. It just sits there, being itself. I have found that I don’t like it when there’s distance between Me and Money. There is something I want, and I don’t have enough money to trade for it.

Turning this entire belief around that there is distance between me and money, I sit with the experience that there is NO DISTANCE between us. How could that possibly be, when it appears there is no money in my bank account (in the amount I prefer) or no money in my pocket?

Here’s when it gets really fun. What do you think you need money for in the first place? What do you really truly feel distant from, if it’s not money? Joy? Relaxation? Connection with people? Adventure? Happiness? Security?

Are you absolutely sure you can’t experience joy, relaxation, connection, adventure, happiness or security in this moment? Are you sure you need something more?

What if your only project is to see what life is like right here and right now with exactly the amount of money you have. You may have the privilege of having no money at all. Can you notice that joy is possible anyway?

I remember doing The Work on “I can’t afford to travel”. When I turned the thought around realized what kind of Adventures I could go on, right in my own city. There were huge areas of the city I had never explored before. Shops in China Town I had never been in, houses I had never even seen, street names I had no idea were even in my city.

“When you’ve become a total success in business and have more money than you could ever spend, what are you going to have? Happiness? Isn’t that why you wanted money? Let’s take a shortcut that can last a lifetime. Answer this question: who would you be without the story ‘My future depends on making a lot of money?’ Happier. More relaxed. With or without the money. You’d have everything you wanted money for in the first place.”~ Byron Katie 

I notice when I feel connected to money, like it’s my best friend and we are having fun together. I don’t have the thoughts that it’s not giving me enough attention, it should stay with me and never leave, I need to think about it all the time (Obsessive!) or scheme to figure out how to manipulate it into sticking with me.

I call that a troubled relationship. I’ve had those before. They aren’t very much fun.

“If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If you happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” ~ Tao te Ching #44

To really let this sink in, I find examples of how there is nothing missing here that I would need money to acquire.

I am supported by this couch I sit on, I have friends all over the place right here and in countries everywhere (!), I have a computer, streets to walk on, trees to sit under….I have piles of books to read, a gorgeous day ahead of me, food filling up my refrigerator, a telephone.

Rejoice in the way it is right now. Even if you have lost “everything” and have no money. You get to see the bare bones of what you do have. You get to slow down, to stop. Air to breathe. Ground to sit on. A bite to eat, a glass of water. A place to lie down.

WITH the thought that I NEED more money: I am sad, in an empty cell like a jail, life looks bleak or frightening, I crawl into a fetal position and wait…tense, unhappy.

WITHOUT the thought that I need more money: WOW. There is stuff everywhere. Wealth, riches, colors, amazement, infinite possibilities, excitement, peace.

Love, Grace

 

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He Should Change

Anthony deMello, the wonderful Jesuit priest and author, wrote that he has news that is VERY GOOD:  none of us has to do anything to change. In fact, he said, the more you do, the worse it gets.

All we really need to do is understand ourselves.

We’re about to spend some time doing this starting Thursday, in the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. We look at relationships with ANYONE: spouse, parent, child, boss, colleague, employee.

Just like doing The Work of Byron Katie, there is no list of what you should do in order to change…in fact in a very careful, measured way, the suggestion of inquiry is to study the pain, like scientists studying ants or other strange insects.

So, I found myself thinking about someone who I have found troubling. When I think about him, I notice negative feelings inside. These feelings are inside ME, not inside HIM. So who is the one suffering with the negative experience here?

Step number one is to see what I’m thinking, what I think is true, what I repeat to myself over and over again when I think about this person:

  • he should get his life together
  • he should stop drinking
  • he’s deceptive, lying and manipulative

The only way I could have these kinds of thoughts and feelings is if I expected something different. I see fault, I see need for improvement, I see a more Perfect Image hanging over the person’s head.

I am actually demanding that the person change. They should be a little different, or a LOT different, than they are. The bigger the painful thoughts, the more demands I have, and vice versa. The bigger the emotion, the farther I see that person from their perfect possibility in my mind.

What is the common denominator in every experience I’ve ever had where there is a Problem? Hmmm, gosh…. Just one common element that is present, every time I experience stress, every time I see something missing or something not quite up to snuff?

What is it that is always present, every time I think about that annoying person? ME!

I am always present when I see a problem. Everything else, in fact, changes. People come and go, issues are different, concerns are new or old…but every time I see a problem, oops, there I am.

“In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.”~ Eckhart Tolle

 Just imagine that person who you are judging and defining as less-than-perfect as instead someone who you want nothing for, and nothing from, at all. No wanting whatsoever.

There they are, shining their star (as a wonderful wise friend used to say to me). There they are, doing their thing. I can spend time with them, or not.

I turn everything around that I think, doing The Work:

  • I should get my life together, especially when it comes to analyzing other peoples’ lives
  • I should stop being addicted to my thinking that there is a problem with others
  • I am deceptive, lying, and manipulative, especially when I’m thinking I’m Miss Innocent or I try to act like I’m accepting, when I’m not

“No person on earth has the power to make you unhappy.”~Anthony deMello

 Do The Work and get free from that unhappiness! And if you need some group support to help you, join fellow travelers in the teleclass on Thursdays for the next 8 weeks, 10am-11:30 am Pacific time.

Love, Grace

Click Here to register for the Thursday class!

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Falling Off A Cliff Is Exciting

Sometime last year, I was startled at the sight of the cover of National Geographic.

It was a photo of a young man standing on a very thin ledge at Yosemite National Park in the US. This ledge rested in the middle of a massive face of rock called Half Dome, hundreds of feet from the ground, hundreds of feet from the top.

The young man had no ropes, no equipment of any kind.

I guess in the world of rock climbers, at some point someone had the thought “Gosh, I’d be able to climb Half Dome FASTER without all these annoying ropes and safety devices”. It’s called Free Climbing.

Now, many people would consider this a huge risk, even crazy.

I kept thinking about the photo. I was inside that body on the cliff, looking down at my shoes barely fitting on the ledge, looking out at pure space and air. It would only take one small movement, grabbing at an edge that broke or moved, the foot moving 3 centimeters off good support, and the body could fall to the death.

The nervous part of me was alarmed. I didn’t mind that the climbers were achieving these feats, but something got stirred up when standing right in the shoes of that man on the cliff.

Where would the body land if it fell–would other friends and fellow-climbers be standing right there at the bottom? What would they see? What would the fall be like on the way down?

For some the images can be so frightening just to imagine death, accidents, terror….we only have to see a photo. The reaction isn’t as far as we think from being in the middle of the actual event.

But, it’s only truly terrifying when we start believing that this image is TERRIBLE. The worst that could happen: Death is horrifying. I need to preserve my life. I need to be careful. Everyone should be careful, especially children. I need to live. That guy on the cliff shouldn’t die until he’s older.

The thing is, being afraid of what COULD happen is really only a story about what has already happened in the past and deciding that the story is BAD.

No one really knows exactly and precisely what happens the second we’re falling, dying, the moments after, everything beyond that moment. There may be people who return from that experience of “dying” to live and who have stories to tell, but even that is THEIR experience, not ours from this body’s perspective. It’s a great Mystery, absolutely unknown.

“What I love most about reality is that it’s always the story of a past. And what I love most about the past is that it’s over. And because I’m no longer insane, I don’t argue with it. Arguing with it feels unkind inside me. Just to notice what is, is love.” ~Byron Katie

So what IS reality? Some people love to move their bodies up a cliff and feel the joy, power, expression, the urge to GO, to focus, to stay in the perfect flow, to play, to win, to try. Some of these people “fall” off the cliff and their bodies die.

I see that people die at every age, in every circumstance you could ever dream of. Young, old, taking risks, taking no risk at all.

Without the terror of death or accidents, I notice that today I feel excited, adventurous, peaceful, happy, in the flow. I notice it’s fun to take risks, ones just right for me. I notice I’m having so much fun in so many areas, I have no interest in climbing cliffs, and yet today could be my last in this body, it’s totally possible.

I notice what a Playground this place is, people running all over the place taking all kinds of rides. When I feel uncertainty, anxiety, worry when thinking about the young man on the cliff, I write my concepts down and investigate them. I have to stop and slow down to do this. Are they really absolutely true?

Death comes along. We’ll all get to participate in the adventure. That’s Reality. “It doesn’t wait for our vote, our permission, or our opinion—-have you noticed? ~BK

If I were to fall off a cliff today, it seems most wonderful if I felt joy doing whatever I was doing in the moment before falling, even during the actual fall. Relaxed, thrilled, entering the Mystery. Knowing nothing about what will happen next. Because I actually don’t.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you register today, July 23rd at 9:00 pm Pacific time, you can still join Our Wonderful Sexuality even though we’ve met once (but that’s the deadline). Horrible Food Wonderful Food has room for one if you register by Thursday, July 26 at 9:00 pm Pacific, and on July 26th at 10:00 am the fabulous Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven will begin, to look at an important relationship in your life and where it was, or currently is, troubling.

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Egos Wanted For Hazardous Journey

While reading recently, I came across a wonderful reprint of a 1913 Help Wanted Ad written by the famous explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton:

MEN WANTED for Hazardous Journey, Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honor and recognition in case of success.

I laughed as I thought of what a Help Wanted ad would look like for the spiritual journey surrendering to What Is:

EGOS WANTED for Hazardous Journey, zero wages, bitter emptiness, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, confusion and discomfort, safe return impossible. Honor and recognition will mean nothing after success. 

Jed McKenna, author of Spiritual Enlightenment The Damndest Thing(and two other great books) says, if we only knew beforehand what it would be like to wake up to reality, we would run the other direction without looking back.

This is from the perspective of the ME, though. The one that wants what it wants when it wants it. The one afraid of death, physical ailments, mean people, earthquakes, starvation, losing.

If I had gotten My Own Way then I would have the powers offered in most fairy tales since the first stories were told: I could snap my fingers and have material objects appear, I could wiggle my nose and put spells on people, I would be able to fly like Wonder Woman.

Most of all, if I ruled the world, there would be no suffering. I have my list of what involves suffering and what causes it, and I would eliminate those things.

However, as Byron Katie says, I don’t get a vote. God did not actually ask for MY opinion on how to run the Universe.

“The ego’s plan for salvation centers around holding grievances. It maintains that, if someone else spoke or acted differently, if some external circumstance or event were changed, you would be saved….The change of mind necessary for salvation is thus demanded of everyone and everything except yourself.”~A Course In Miracles

It is actually, ironically (for the me-centered little self) a great relief, a peace beyond anything I ever imagined, to let go of anything being anyone else’s fault. Inside the center of us all there is an empty beauty, a mysterious, joyful excitement. Happiness.

“The Tao doesn’t take sides; it gives birth to both good and evil. The Master doesn’t take sides; she welcomes both saints and sinners. The Tao is like a bellows: it is empty yet infinitely capable. The more you use it, the more it produces; the more you talk of it, the less you understand. HOLD ON TO THE CENTER”. ~ Tao Te Ching #5

Come join the Hazardous Journey. Let’s face it, you already have. Might as well accept it….it’s more fun that way.

Love, Grace

 

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Do Something! Now!

A lovely man reminded me recently of the wonderful quote by Byron Katie, who said “I invite you to do nothing for the rest of your life”.

But!? How could this be possible? What does it mean?

For me, it is a reminder of the quiet, yet profound idea that I do not need to “do” anything in order to be happy in this moment.

Adyashanti, one of my favorite teachers who I mention often here, once spoke at a retreat I attended about this topic of Doing Nothing. He suggested seeing if we could not do anything because we thought we should, needed to, or would be better off if we did it or worse off if we don’t. He asked “can you just sit on the couch and not get up without a thought about getting up?”

The mind loves to chatter away with suggestions about Doing. It has quite an edge, have you noticed? It’s not exactly friendly. (Picture a wild cowboy screaming with guns firing in the air and spurs jamming into the horse, galloping at top speed)!

  • Get moving now! Go Go Go!
  • Stop procrastinating!
  • You think you’re going to get somewhere by napping? Do you think life is a spa?
  • You need to meditate more, control your impulses, be more disciplined!
  • If you aren’t happy…then DO SOMETHING! NOW!

So what if we really stopped doing anything? How strange. What if all the drive and busy-ness is unnecessary?

Sometimes a reverse strategy that the mind will offer does indeed go something like this: “Fine. If this is going to be too much for you, then give up. You’re not really up to this anyway. All your goals are unrealistic dreams, why bother….”

I am not talking about THAT kind of Not Doing; deflated, sad, falling short, heavy, paralyzed. This is just too much, I’m not enough.

The kind of Not Doing I mean is simply stopping the auto-responder in your mind, the one that believes everything you think. Here comes the thought “This place is a mess, I should tidy up the house” or “I really need to do my taxes” or “I should make those phone calls” and right on the heels of the thought about Doing is a bad feeling.

There’s a picture or thought of how you want it to be….clean and tidy house….money in your bank account….lots of conversations….but then another thought or two or 97 that stream forward in reaction to your thought about Doing Something: “I hate cleaning, it’s too much work, it’s always ME that does it, I have no help, I hate taxes, it’s too complicated, I don’t understand the instructions, I don’t want to pay them, I am lonely, I have to be polite when talking to people, I have to put on a good attitude, I’ll be on the phone too long….”

The kind of stopping I am talking about is different from this kind of non-doing. It is like I am hitting the Pause button. No emergencies. A feeling of assessing the situation with a deep breath. This kind of not-doing is the kind that feels open, mysterious, waiting, expectant, and kind.

Gangaji, a spiritual teacher in California, likes to say “Just Stop“.

I love questioning the thoughts that cram themselves in for attention, trying to get me to MOVE IT. That is a most wonderful way to stop.

I notice I have a resistance to what I see, a messy house. I ask myself, can I really know it’s true that it should be tidy NOW? Can I know that it won’t be fun to start cleaning?

When I find that the answer is No, there is no needing to push myself to do it. I know what my job is, and I do it. I naturally start putting things away, washing the dishes, noticing how fun it is. What a cute house I have, what an amazing little cottage, how incredible that these hands can put things inside cupboards and wipe counters off.

What pleasure I find in this present moment, where an idea has entered that I need to Do Something. So many ideas, not possible to do them all. What will I choose, from amongst all this fun stuff?

I keep everything slow and steady, soft, no pushing. My relationship with my thinking is gentle. Something inside of me is much bigger than my thoughts. There is an empty wide vast space that is me that can hold all this thinking, all these instructions directed toward me Doing Something.

Everyone has this mystery! Breathe deeply and wait. Nothing terrible will happen if you wait a moment, if you wait to see if it’s really true that you HAVE to do something to prevent unhappiness.

“He who stands on tiptoe doesn’t stand firm. He who rushes ahead doesn’t go far. He who tries to shine dims his own light. He who defines himself can’t know who he really is. He who has power over others can’t empower himself. He who clings to his work will create nothing that endures. If you want to accord with the Tao, just do your job, then let go.”~ Tao Te Ching #2

Love, Grace

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Loving What Is? Not This.

Bertrand Russell, the famous British philosopher who was a huge political and social activist during his lifetime, said “every great idea starts out as a blasphemy!”

Sometimes looking at difficult things in life from every angle, or from an entirely alternate perspective, sounds crazy. Just thinking about being with something horrifying and contemplating the idea that it is not as bad as we think….it almost sounds cold or inhuman.

For example, studying cancer, or death, or torturous pain, tragic accidents, huge earthquakes, mass murders….not exactly pleasant topics for most of us.

When I first encountered The Work and questioning my thinking it was through reading Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is. I was reading along, loving the ideas and my mind opening as I read, and then I got to a section where Katie is doing The Work with a woman who experienced sexual abuse during  her childhood.

Suddenly, I felt a little sick to my stomach. In this situation it is not possible to “love what is”, I thought. But I kept reading.

It is radical to stand back from what we think of as the greatest horrors in life, and look with open eyes.

I confess, I like things when they go “well”. I like happiness and easiness and kind voices and quiet places. I don’t much like being surprised or having people jump out at me for fun. Sometimes it takes me 15 minutes to jump into a cold lake.

But I see now how when I preferred to chop out all the “troubling” things from human existence and from my experience, when I raised my fist against them and tried to avoid them, as I used to, I became tense as a block of cement. And about as happy.

Anthony De Mello, the wondeful Jesuit priest I mention occasionally who died in 1986, wrote that people would come to him with their problems and often wanted only relief. They did NOT want to understand their problem and find their part in it. He said that he discovered that some people had to suffer ENOUGH in a relationship so that they got disillusioned with ALL relationships.

Other writers and teachers speak of this suffering that seems to need to occur in order to wake up and find a better way of thinking, of living.

I do not know if we need to suffer, but it seems most of us do. We feel anxious, sad, terrified, sorry, guilty. Some of us feel suicidal, some of us feel deeply angry with others in our lives.

Adyashanti, one of my absolute favorite spiritual teachers, writes poetry that does not always sound pretty, peaceful or gentle when it comes to Reality, God, Source, or Awakening.

One thing that appears true….things don’t always look rosy. We are going to die. People are unpredictable, like the weather, like life.

“Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretence. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.” ~ Adyashanti  

Be compassionate today with yourself in your fear or distress. Be open to others as they are terrified, or enraged. This is all part of the pace of life.

“The Master give himself up to whatever the moment brings. He knows that he is going to die, and he has nothing left to hold on to…” Tao Te Ching #50

Be with the silence and the part of you that doesn’t know. Bad things happen, good things happen. It’s not OK. But it is.

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Relentlessly Thinking I Should Be Different

A thoughtful reader and inquirer wrote to ask me about the stress she experiences when she believes she needs to relax, lighten up, or stop working so much in order to be happy. You may the post from last week I Need To Relax To Be Successful.

This is such a great discovery, to realize that even with gentle-sounding thoughts and concepts that seem like good ideas, we can start a thread of thinking about how we could improve.

The thoughts go something like this (spoken from one who knows):

  • I should relax more
  • I should be kinder to myself and others
  • If I only knew how to calm down, my life would be more pleasant
  • I shouldn’t let that person bug me
  • If I meditated more, practiced my spiritual path more, then I would be a better person, more loving, and happier
  • I want to spread peace and not war
  • I allowed people in my life to hurt me, it’s my fault
  • If only I had a thicker skin, jeez!
  • If I could just remember to count to ten or have more patience, my kids would be happier
  • I should love myself

What I found is that when I start to get into these kinds of thoughts about how I don’t measure up to the best I could be….frustration, tiredness, low-energy, sadness, disappointment.

One of my favorite exercises in Katie’s book I Need Your Love, Is It True? is to consider the worst you have ever done. Almost everyone on the planet, upon thinking about the WORST they have ever done, feels terrible. We are sure we could have done it differently. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

Katie suggests that we couldn’t have done it any better. No better, no different. It went exactly the way it needed to go based on who we were, who they were, what we were all believing at the moment.

We were innocently believing our thoughts. That was the way of it, that is the way of it. We were doing the best we could have done.

Notice how the mind will say “OK, I did the best I could in that moment…and IT WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH!”

You don’t really have to know consciously what you are actually believing, with perfect wording. You can question simply that you are not doing it well, that you could be doing better.

Who would you be without the thought that you are not good enough at relaxing? What if you didn’t evaluate yourself as needing to improve in any way at all, right in this moment?

What if you shouldn’t even love yourself right now? What if it is not possible to be a better parent? What if you are not awakened because you are not supposed to be? What if you are not successfully raking in money or working at a good job because your current status is just right?

“All that’s required of me is that I be good enough just to sit in this chair now. It doesn’t matter what my mind says…..Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing. If it’s required, just start moving toward it–get the job done. And if you can’t get the job done, it’s because it’s not required.” ~ Byron Katie 

It is so strange for the mind to not have an improvement plan. But how amazing to find out what happens without one.

I was always so sure NOTHING would happen, or BAD things would happen without an improvement plan. Just try for a few minutes, a few hours, seeing what happens if you have no plan, if you don’t know what is supposed to happen now.

See what happens if all that is required is being you, no “making” yourself do, think, say, or be anything. You may find that life begins to live itself, without all the stressful thinking.

Empty your mind of all thoughts. Let your heart be at peace. Watch the turmoil of beings, but contemplate their return. Each separate being in the universe returns to the common source. Returning to the source is serenity. If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow.  When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death come, you are ready. Tao Te Ching #16

Don’t worry about not being where you’d like to be, yet. You are a part of all that moves in turmoil and then returns to balance, to the common source of serenity. You are on your way. You are supported.

Love, Grace

Wonderful Teleclass!

“Being anchored in doing The Work with something regular, and hearing other people’s thinking helped me see/feel/hear my own…wonderful!”~ JCN, Australia 

Accepting Where You Are:

“I loved Grace’s sweet facilitations and exercises to find blocks, her accepting presence and how she affirms everyone’s process…” ~ Money, Work and Business teleclass participant

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I Am A Thief!

Yesterday I received a call from the company who rented a lodge to me last weekend asking if I had seen a couple of items that belonged in the kitchen.

I recognized them immediately. They were in my home, instead of where they should be back in the kitchen lodge. I thought they were left at the lodge by friends and family.

An innocent mistake, and easy to return the items….

And yet, here came that little idea in the mind “she thought I was stealing, I should have been more careful, now we have to drive 2 hours to return them, we’ve left a bad impression…”

The urge to impress others enters our consciousness in such subtle little moments. There is a fear that those people out there won’t approve of us, don’t like us, aren’t agreeing with us. We become afraid that we’ll be rejected, even by a look, a comment, a thought.

In her book I Need Your Love, Is It True? Byron Katie talks about the quick automatic response that many of us have to say “Excuse Me!” or “Sorry!” to strangers, to apologize, to make sure they are thinking well of us.

What would be the worst that could happen if we didn’t have good manners? If we didn’t explain ourselves? If we didn’t defend ourselves or try to make a good impression?

What if you weren’t concerned with what others think and you simply responded to a situation truthfully and authentically?

In my imagination I have believed that if someone thought I was rude, immature, immoral, mean, selfish or that I don’t care about them…then they might hurt me.

They would leave me or attack me. They would punish me. They would tell other people how awful I am and those people would also separate from me. They would never rent the lodge to me again!!

If someone thought I behaved terribly, then I should feel guilt, shame, embarrassment and sadness. If someone didn’t like me or thought I did something wrong (like steal a bowl from the kitchen) then I deserved their suspicion or wrath. My fault.

Ultimately, I would be alone burning in a fiery pit. Hell. If they thought I was a bad person, then I was.

I remember when my former husband told me he was moving out. I was overwhelmed with the thought that I was worthy of being left. I was terrified, then furious, but crushed because I instantly believed it must be true.

Who was the one who believed that thought that I was unworthy? Me.

A simple question is asked. Someone says “Did you take my thing?” and FEAR is the response. Someone says “When were you going to clean up this mess?” or “I thought you were spending the evening with me” or “We need to talk” and we’re on alert.

The solution? Sit down and question the belief “I want them to like me, I want them to approve of me”….”I did something wrong”.

When you turn these concepts around, you do not have to fear that you will be a cold, disinterested, rude or uncaring person. You will find that what is true is that you want to approve of THEM and to like THEM, even when they are apparently confronting you or expressing criticism.

I want to accept every word, situation, action as reality and bring love to it. I want to love, not hate.

Most of all, I want to approve of myself and like myself. I am my most important relationship, after all.

Here’s the wonderful thing: your most deeply truthful and automatic response to others asking you questions, or communicating with you about something worrisome, or confronting you when they are upset…is love.

“Who would you be without the thought that you need to seek approval? You might be someone who just lives your life and lets people form whatever impressions they want to form—of you and of everyone else. That’s what they’re all doing anyway.”~ Byron Katie

The only thing that is stressful in any situation with another person is my thinking. Without believing the thoughts that I need them to have a good impression of me, I am free.

I find advantages in how other people are. I love them being who they are, I love myself. I am ready for the next step, it’s a big adventure.

Here I am, not believing my stressful thoughts. Happy. Planning a fun drive back to the lodge to return the missing stuff.

Love,  Grace

P.S. These kinds of exchanges are CORE to our beliefs about communicating in relationships. All the teleclasses dive into these kinds of moments with others, with food, with money. To spend some time with this in inquiry, join one of the classes starting next week.

To join fellow travelers on this fascinating journey of inquiry in any of the four teleclass groups:  Click Here

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Fridays July 20 – Sept 7, Noon – 1:30 Pacific 

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Thursdays July 26 – Sept 13, 10 – 11:30 am PT 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Tuesdays July 17 – Sept 4, 8:00-9:30 am PT

Money, Work and Business – Weds July 18 – Sept 5, 5:00 – 6:30 pm PT

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Icky Ego Must Get Rid Of It!

Many of us have spent our lives studying other humans. Why did that person do that? What did she mean when she said that? What is happening when one person hates, or loves, another person? How did that war get started? What made that person do that wonderful, amazing thing?

We also study ourselves…we find ourselves quite fascinating! What do I want? How do I know I want it? What do I want to express? How do I want to interact with that person, or this person?

Many great writers and teachers talk about a little me, an egoic me, a self-centered me that has a limited point of view.

It’s like the word “ego” is icky. If my ego is in full force then it means that I am not spiritual. It means things are going WRONG.

If I am operating from an egotistical point of view, I am selfish, fearful, angry, disappointed, interested in power, attached and trying to figure out who is to blame, whether it’s me or someone else. But it is definitely someone’s FAULT. I have an enemy.

One of the most amazing things to discover, by questioning and examining painful thinking, is that there is no one to blame. By looking very carefully at my mind and my thinking process, I find there is no enemy.

This includes ME.

Some clients I work with are really hooked up to see themselves as the one to attack, the enemy, the one who needs correction or adjustment. Something happens, a tough situation occurs, and the mind goes straight to “it’s my fault”.

FIGHT IT! FIX IT! YOU DID IT WRONG!

I remember having these kinds of thoughts all the time about food and eating starting when I was a teenager. I was so sure something must be wrong with me!

I find over and over again that this little harsh place that ruminates and considers and analyzes and can’t stop thinking in a nervous or angry way about something uncomfortable….the thing we’re probably referring to as the “ego”…. is more a verb than a noun.

It just means I’m scared. I’m forgetting that I am a mysterious spirit and I have no real idea of the outcome of anything, or the deep meaning of what has occurred. I’m forgetting that all is well.

It just means I am trying to find happiness, peace, fulfillment or security and because of that troubling situation, I’m really worried and believing that there isn’t happiness, peace, fulfillment or security in this situation.

I have found that the more narrow the view we have of ourselves, thinking of ourselves as full of fault, or powerless, or hurt, the more we will experience other people or the world in a narrow way too, where we have to be very careful or really to defend ourselves.

The more we react to someone else’s “ego-centered” behavior or actions, the better the clue that we’re thinking of ourselves as victims, that it’s possible to be hurt or threatened.

I love simply questioning these thoughts, and you can do it today as well: I need to fix it, I need to change, this is bad, I lack something.

What if it isn’t true?

Because let’s face it, you know it isn’t true already. There is a viewpoint inside of you that knows all is well, all is mysterious, you already have what you need inside, you don’t have to go find it, you don’t have to fix anything really, it will work itself out, Good is still present even when things appear Bad….you are capable of such beauty and love it is beyond words.

“The fullness of life is there at every step” ~Eckhart Tolle