Tag: the work of byron katie and parenting

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Stop Yelling! Start Working! When Stress Hits The Fan

If you want to jump into inquiry on Parenting for 8 weeks, or even Eating Peace Online before tomorrow….there are just a few spots available.

Hit reply and write if you’re interested.

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Yesterday, I was looking forward to a lovely interview in the morning with a fabulous facilitator of The Work, Ralf Giesen, to be recorded to share with you all and the world for anyone interested in how inquiry has affected his life.

I’ve done a couple of these interviews easily, and LOVED them.

(They’re on my youtube channel by the way).

We were both on our computers, with cameras, at the appointed time.

Looking at nothing.

Both had the google+ open, I was ready, he was ready….

….nothing firing up.

Waiting.

I was quickly checking all settings, sending another invite, googling youtube on how to start a google hangout so I could discover what the heck wasn’t working.

No answers. No Ralf.

Arrgggghh.

I have better things to do than fuss with technology! Kill the google hangout instructions! I hate this!

Fortunately, the next thing in my day of course was doing The Work, as usual.

It was a perfect segue.

The first teleclass on parenting for 8 weeks.

And there were some great situations shared by participants on moments with disruptive, yelling, rude children.

Which was the same way I felt about that google hangout situation.

They shouldn’t be like that!

It is true!

But who would you be if you couldn’t have that thought…even as things are going haywire, a child is yelling and upset, a computer doesn’t work, something doesn’t go as planned?

It’s like the most calm feeling in the world.

Even though something’s happening, moving, storming, making noise, and not going the way you’d like….

….what if you could ride the wave?

You’re sticking with it, staying connected, but not getting all worked up yourself.

Seems difficult, especially if a person (your kid) is upset and yelling, and it appears disrespectful.

But you wouldn’t rage back AND you wouldn’t withdraw and avoid.

Without the belief, I study hangouts and try to figure out how to do it differently next time, and I’m still not sure.

Participants in our teleclass felt the same.

They’re not sure how to be different yet, or how it will go next time, but it’s actually OK.

Turning the thoughts around: it should be like that.

That does feel lighter, and much less upsetting.

How could it be true, when it comes to kids, or to the technology breaking down?

Any benefits or advantages to it going the way it went, rather than your ideal or alternate version?

I don’t quite know yet.

But I do know I love connecting, whether with a colleague, or my kids.

True intimacy is courageous and loving.

And as easy as doing nothing, moving forward, asking questions, setting things up for the next time, talking….

….trying again.

“When you stay present with your children, that’s where abundance is. And when you stay out of their business, that is where everything you deserve in life is, it’s right there. When you are in presence, there’s no story there, and you are abundance, everything you ever wanted is there in that moment, and you come to trust it. And you come to trust the space so often that you just eventually hang out as that, because there is nothing that can move you out of it, not even a perceived child or a perceived anything.” ~ Byron Katie 

Love, Grace

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A Mother’s Grip On Reality

My kids are driving me bonkers!  

A mom in Summer Camp Telecalls recently reminded me of my own early mom days. She wanted them to quiet down, so she could do The Work.

Kind of hilarious, the energy that wells up….“Be Quiet! I’m trying to question my thinking over here! JEEZ!”

When I had two very young ones, I was beyond thrilled to have these two amazing kids in my life. In fact, I was pretty blown away by the miraculous and bizarre way we all arrive here on planet earth.

But their presence in my world was also like a match that lit up whole entire inner buildings full of belief-systems about parenting, what “good” moms do, what “good” kids do, what “good” dads do, how kids should turn out.

I need to make sure these two kids feel safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.

Right?

That means I should never be driven bonkers by them. I should be patient, kind, gentle and wise at all times.

24/7

In case you haven’t noticed…..it’s impossible.

But if you do The Work and question your thinking, you may be way more “sane” than you could ever dream of when it comes to your kids.

So let’s go.

Is it true that you should be a perfect mom, that it’s your job to support their confidence, success, and happiness in life?

If they aren’t happy….or if they bug you….do you really think it means that there’s something wrong with your parenting?

Well, no. I know there aren’t any perfect moms.

How do you react when you think you need to be the one who inspires and creates success and happiness in your kids’ lives….and they sometimes look pretty upset?

I feel anxious, sad, worried. Wondering how their future will turn out. Playing out future possibilities.

Not staying right here in the present.

But who would you be without the thought? Without the belief that you need to help them, support them, make sure they know they are valuable, happy, safe, comfortable?

Whew. Now that is a relief.

Lots of moms and dads will think that if they let go of the belief that they are responsible for their kids, they won’t even care.

They’ll be neglectful, and wrong.

But can you know that this is even true?

“How do you react when you believe the thought that you need to protect your children, and in reality they’re perfectly fine without your protection?….You got through your difficulties, so what leads you to believe that they aren’t at least as capable and courageous as you are? What leads you to believe that they have fewer survival skills than you do?” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around: I’m driving myself bonkers! I need to make sure I myself feel safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.

Because I am, and so are you.

Every human is worthy, safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.

We can feel this for ourselves. We don’t need a mother or father to tell us…..not really.

“A mother’s grip on reality is a wonderful thing.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Your Kid Might Notice That It’s Working

Huge thank you for everyone who has sent me comments about the new little guidebook Top Ten Stressful Thoughts in Stressed-Out Parents Minds That Keep Them Struggling With Their Kids. If you’d like to send it to anyone, forward them this Grace Note!

And if you’d like to say “I didn’t get the part about….” then write me!

They can download it HERE. Parenting teleclass starts January 27, 2014 on Monday evenings Pacific time 5:15, or in February on Monday mornings.

(You can also get the parenting guidebook on my website HERE plus more info about the teleclasses).

Just yesterday, our Tuesday YOI Group (Year of Inquiry) spent some time looking at those darn people, like the children, who we’re really close to. These so often fall into one of these three categories: mate, child or parent.

Arrgggh! Don’t these people just drive you bananas sometimes?

I figure if you sort it out internally with ONLY one or two of these people, you could have a shifting perspective on trust, love and acceptance that might permeate the entire rest of your life, in truly amazing ways.

Today our group questioned the belief “I want him/her to be reliable”. Seems like a no-brainer, right?

Some of us were thinking about our teenagers, some of about our spouses, some of us about one of our parents.

Same thought. Same distress.

As we began The Work, I remembered how I had done The Work on my kid being late, a scene where I huffed and puffed and slammed the car door and drove him in a fury to school, telling him he needs to catch the bus and how inconvenient this is for me.

I had been so upset that I knew I needed to sit down and slowly do The Work. Not a fast-inquiry-job in my head….but a slow, deep one.

As our group began to inquiry together, I remembered another scene, a few weeks AFTER I did The Work….a very similar scene, with a different outcome.

It is a dark, winter morning. The big blue retro kitchen clock reads 7:11 am.

My son has not yet come out of the bathroom, and I still hear the shower running. His bus leaves the corner at 7:26. He should walk out the door at 7:22. He really should be eating breakfast, which he tends to skip, at 7:15. He should be getting dressed therefore at 7:12.

That’s in one minute.

Right now, at 7:11, the water in the shower should be turning OFF.

He’s 17 years old, for crying out loud! WHY CAN’T HE CATCH THE DAMN BUS?!

Why can’t you be RELIABLE? How hard can it be?

I lectured before, I’ve asked “is there anything I can do to help you?”. I’ve been reasonable, I’ve decided I won’t worry about it anymore.

I’ve done The Work, but here this familiar worry is approaching again.

It’s 7:11 and my pulse is starting to quicken and I’m getting nervous. How am I going to handle this situation. I have a teleclass at 8:00 am, on questioning your stressful beliefs. 

I say to myself “I should change my teleclass schedule from now on just to take into consideration his lateness“.

BUT! I will NOT change my own work schedule to accommodate HIM being LATE!

Tick-tick-tick-tick. It’s 7:13.

I feel the wave of worry….as I put on the kettle and get out my tea cup.

Then The Work enters my mind, as I am moving and watching my hand open a tea bag. Like a wide open feeling, not even quite a thought…..something stops. Wait, look, feel….is it true something terrible is happening, something uncomfortable, unfortunate, wrong, a mistake, a moment needing adjustment?

Remember your Work?

Is your stress necessary? Is this bad?

No….why, no. The wave recedes back. The kettle boils. The water pours. Almost in slow motion, and yet, within 2 minutes, I remember who I would be without the thought that he is late. That this shouldn’t be happening.

Well, look at that. Oh my. Amazing.

I turn the thoughts around, or they turn themselves around: this is fine, he is OK, he is learning something, if he misses the bus I can drive him part way so I myself am not late, he could have another tardy and that is not a problem, I love riding with him in the morning, he is taking all this in about school, alarms, intention, action, clarity, time, clocks. 

I don’t even know that he is unhappy about this “risk” of not getting credit or something happening as a result of these late mornings.

At 7:15 the shower turns off. At 7:17 he is moving through the kitchen to his room. As he passes me I cheer and laugh, smiling at how adorable he looks “Go Ben! Go Ben!”

At 7:20 he comes back through the kitchen with his back pack on his back, his short wet hair already drying. I throw my arms around his very tall and thin body and give him a big hug, bursting with joy.

“Bye mom! I love you!” The front door slams behind him.

7:22. 

“Don’t worry about whether The Work is working or not. You’re just beginning to learn how to do it. It’s like riding a bike. All you need to do is keep wobbling on….And you won’t necessarily be the first to notice that it’s working. You may find, as many people have, that it doesn’t seem to have any effect now, but you have already shifted in ways you can’t feel yet. The Work can be very subtle and profound.” ~ Byron Katie 

 As Far As Freedom Goes, It Works

“It never ceases to amaze me how much can be learned in an hour and a half. An awareness I got from class combined with an emotional collision with my mate yesterday I learned this: I want others to be happy so I don’t get “infected by their misery”. Is that true and furthermore, is it working?….Loving what is still strikes me as bizarre and as far a freedom goes, it works!” ~ SW, Year Of Inquiry YOI Participant  

With Love, Grace

P.S. Are you thinking about YOI in 2014? January group starts on Fridays 1/10 for an entire year of inquiry. Limited to 14 people. Already filling. Click HERE to read more.