Tag: support groups

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Houston, There’s A Problem: How To Get Back Home

When I was in graduate school studying Applied Behavioral Science one thing I loved learning about was the very beginning first steps to approaching a “problem”.

Houston, there’s a problem.

OK….now what?

You have a certain (apparently limited) amount of time, you’re over THERE (outer space, for example) and you’d prefer to be back HERE instead (like, on earth).

Or you feel very frightened or anxious, you’d like to feel free before you die (your limited amount of time in years) and you’re not sure how to get from THERE (imprisoned) to HERE (liberated).

Hmmm.

In classes that I took on group work, group processes, and organizational development, the first thing we learned to do was to understand what was presently happening right in that moment, in that situation.

No trying to change it.

That may happen five seconds from now, depending on how speedy you’re trying to be, but first there must be a moment of taking in information and seeing what’s going on.

It’s an Intake Session in the world of health care, or mental health, or change efforts in a group.

This information gathering, the state of affairs in the NOW, is super powerful. That’s why I have people who work with me on food and eating issues keep a journal of their feelings around food, so they can see what’s going on without control, without any efforts to change it.

When you’re reviewing like a researcher your own mind, you may need a little (or a lot ) of help from friends.

Just like the Space Shuttle returning to earth, a team of people all thinking about something together, all discussing, looking, offering ideas, listening, brainstorming….

….these kinds of group connections and interactions and think tanks have always offered me profound, bubbling, powerful insights into PROBLEMS.

Not one of those brilliant engineers alone, all by themselves, could have gotten the astronauts home.

That’s why I love inquiry with a group.

You stay, through your connection to others and the combined power of the group energy….you stay, listen, clarify.

You hear things that make light bulbs go off.

I’ve been on a lot of meditation retreats. Everyone there doesn’t speak hardly one word, and yet we’re gathering with others intentionally.

We’re not in a room all alone (even though that might offer something amazing too).

“It’s important to realize that inquiry is about noticing, not about dropping the thought… Inquiry is not about getting rid of thoughts; it’s about realizing what’s true for you, through awareness and unconditional self-love. Once you see the truth, the thought lets go of you, not the other way around.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve been looking for a community, some might call it a sangha, to examine the mind and question your thoughts at a high, repetitive, deeply committed level, then this coming Year of Inquiry may be for you.

We begin in September together, on the phone, and with an in-person retreat for a weekend.

We travel together for an entire year, looking and noticing, and come together again in May for 5 more days in Seattle.

Every month there’s a new problem, to find our way home from.

We all do The Work together and separately, collectively waking up and returning again and again to planet earth.

If you’re ready to read more about a Year of Inquiry, click HERE.

“I feel like I’m tapping into such a good group, all these people with all this experience. I’m ready to learn fast, I feel like it’s on the fast track.” ~ YOI 2013-2014

“I feel I’ve made life-long friends but people who oddly don’t have to know any details about my life, but instead my inner life. This is what is most important to me. I am closer to this group than my regular friends. I feel I have a place of power to question what I believe.” ~ YOI 2013-2014

“I so appreciate this work, and this group. I love this group. I’m so happy that after going to The School, I have a community to keep on track in such a beautiful way.” ~ YOI 2013-2014

If you’re trying to get back to Houston, and you notice you have a problem with your thinking, join this group to question your mind, and change your life.

You can get assistance finding your way back home.

If you’d like to experience telecalls now, to get a feel for how this process might work for you, join us in Summer Camp for July.

Click to see it in action: Houston, There’s A Problem Here

Much Love, Grace

 

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A Small Group Of Citizens Can Change Your World

Oh my, such a wonderful group forming that will meet on Thursdays beginning 9/12 for a year together 5:15 pm Pacific time. Head over to the page to learn more. Scroll all the way down for every bit of information: Learn About YOI Here.

Special Heads Up to those of you in India, China, Japan, Indonesia (where I traveled last June), Australia, Hawaii or the whole US of A, because this particular YOI group meets at a time of day that could work for you, as in during waking hours but not while you’re at work!

One of greatest assists to deep inquiry for me has been hearing other peoples’ thoughts and their investigations.

The other day while in my car I randomly grabbed a CD out of my little collection stuffed into my glove box and popped in what turned out to be Byron Katie facilitating a woman who was certain that her boyfriend liked big-breasted women, which she was not.

I remembered hearing this dialogue a long time ago—this CD had been in my car for at least five years.

At the time that I first heard it, I grew aware of all the ideas I had about relationships and what people were or were not supposed to be doing in them.

Although I can hardly relate to any of it now (and when I do, I’ve got self-inquiry)…I listened closely to the answers from that woman Katie was working with.

The woman was so sure that she was not liked and accepted because her boyfriend was looking at other women.

It takes a lot of energy, focus and concentration to dictate to someone how you think they should act, think, speak, or feel.

And the result is a tremendous amount of suffering.

I remember.

I used to believe the same list:

  • a person in a committed relationship shouldn’t be attracted to other people
  • he shouldn’t light up when those women walk in the room
  • she shouldn’t touch him with her hand, laugh at his jokes, flirt with him if she’s aware he is married
  • she shouldn’t dance with him
  • he shouldn’t be so dependent on me
  • if he/she loses interest, it means my body isn’t good enough
  • he shouldn’t use porn, fuss about sex, obsess over potential partners
  • she should have a good income, support herself, accept me unconditionally

The list can go on and on stating what we think is best, so therefore this other person should follow my rules.

Then….I will be happy.

When I am happy, all is well. We have fun. I pay attention, I love, I express appreciation.

The only trouble was….that way of being was a lot of work. And very confusing.

Conditional love is by nature quite confusing, because it doesn’t really and truly fit who we are.

Katie asked the woman on the CD if it was actually true that her boyfriend shouldn’t like big-breasted women.

Shouldn’t he like whatever he liked? Isn’t that reality?

I remembered how often I’ve had the idea that I MYSELF shouldn’t like whatever I like.

I shouldn’t like this guy, I shouldn’t be attracted over there, I shouldn’t be repulsed by that one, I should be more interested, less interested, differently interested.

I should be interested in “spiritual things”, not money, or movies, or food, or sex (as if those weren’t spiritual).

Who would you be without the thought that when you notice your preferences, or someone else’s preferences, they, or you, are WRONG?

Does it work to shout at yourself “Don’t like that! You moron!”

Does it stop you from liking what you like? Does it stop someone else from liking what they like?

I notice it only makes me feel ashamed for liking it, not happy.

Are you absolutely sure you shouldn’t or should be interested in “x”?

Who would I be, in that same woman’s situation without the thought that the man shouldn’t ogle other women’s breasts?

But. He’s gross. Everyone would agree in THIS particular situation.

He’s got bad taste, he’s adolescent, he’s boring, he’s shallow, he’s entirely non-spiritual and immature.

With the thought that this human being should be different? 

I am full of jealousy, anger, frustration, loneliness, disturbance, angst, worry, complaining.

It’s an inner war. I’m afraid.

Without the thought that he should be different?

I am back here in my own business, in my own body, and I wait here.

Ahhh….the world opens up in the most amazingly wild, fantastic way.

I am NOT afraid—and if I am, I can look more deeply at what truly scares me rather than just jumping to the conclusion that HE IS WRONG.

Suddenly in that situation as I stand there on the imaginary street in the same fantasty as the woman on the CD, I notice so many more people around than other women, this man, women’s body parts, or loss.

I notice there’s a whole huge world full of people and noise and nature.

Everyone so unique, sensual, sweet, embodied. Beauty is everywhere!

Even right here in my own body. I am so happy with my own body, with the breasts just as they are, that I want to giggle.

The whole entire objection seems absurd, hilarious.

I feel happy for the boyfriend and all the people who notice what they like!

“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti  

I love that this woman shared herself with Katie, allowed the recording, went for it with anyone who was listening.

Her honesty changed my life for the better….her confessing her own inner concerns, her fears, her hopes and demands helped me.

If you’ve got the spark inside you to connect with other inquiring minds who really do want to understand how on earth to love what is, then check out the One Year Program or the upcoming fall classes below.

Connecting with yourself out loud, you may alter someone else’s relationship with their world. Without even trying.

You may inspire us, without even thinking about how. Just being you.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” ~ Margaret Mead  

Year Of Inquiry (YOI) and other groups ARE a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens.

Yes….they can change your world…by showing you theirs.

Join us!

Love, Grace

 

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Groups May Be Scary But They Can Change Your Entire Life – You Ready?

The Year of Inquiry (YOI!) circle begins 9/13 and our in-person live group (optional) retreat in Seattle is only a month away. If you are seriously considering joining this fabulous one-year small group of inquirers, email me soon for a conversation: grace@workwithgrace.com.

A participant recently shared this with the YOI group, and I feel the same way:

“I’d like to say how much I’m enjoying being a part of this group. I thank you all very much for coming together and making it possible. I thank me, too, for this gift to myself.” ~ YOI Circle Participant

Being connected to others in groups and at a deeply intimate level has offered me shifts in my life that have changed…..everything.

But being in a group can be uncomfortable! It can be really freaky scary!

It might be boring, stupid, full of annoying people, or depressing!

The first time I went to a twelve step meeting, thirty years ago, I was so shocked that people spoke the way they were speaking. I was quite literally stunned.

 

I had no idea you could say out loud what was going on inside your mind and heart.

 

I had no idea you could actually tell the truth.

 

But I caught the bug of awareness about my own mind by hearing others talk about theirs.

 

A few years later, I joined a therapy group.

 

That scared me half to death. I was silent for six months before the therapist actually said “your silence is actually very controlling”.

 

OMG! Really? But I don’t want anyone, ever, to see anything wrong with ME!

 

Oh. Right.

 

When I first encountered The Work of Byron Katie, I felt a memory stir of how I felt when I started that group therapy in my twenties.
I wanted to clam up.
Thanks! Got it! I’ll just go away and handle this BY MYSELF! See ya! I’m good!
OK then!
Yep, yessirree I’ve done a LOT of personal work so I’ll take it from here!
I wanted to burn my Judge Your Neighbor worksheets. I might even look over my shoulder while I wrote them just to make sure no one was coming.
Once, I even watched myself skip right over one of my sentences written down, one of my stressful concepts, as I read them all out loud to an actual facilitator (that I could hardly believe I had hired).
I couldn’t read that one. Then the facilitator will really hate me. Maybe some judgments are acceptable, but not that one.
I’ll just work on that one later, by myself in my closet with a flashlight.
The truth is, when you work with a group of people, and get to know them and show up regularly, you have no way to manipulate, direct, appease, lighten, or control what anyone does, says, thinks or feels when you tell the absolute truth.

We may see parts of you that you normally keep hidden. You may not be able to keep that ugly stuff to yourself anymore.

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.” ~ Pema Chodron

The thing is, you can only maneuver your life into being closed and careful for so long.

At some point, for everyone, their interest in the truth and revealing themselves becomes more important than holding things together.

I find every time I join a collection of people with the intention to learn, grow, incorporate and understand….it’s thrilling. Our joining makes something wonderful happen.

But I’ve got a lot of practice now at self-disclosure. I know from experience that it works WAY better than puttin’ a lid on it.

I speak from careful testing.

I would have LOVED to maintain a perfect image and never have to say the yucky stuff, the fears, the anger, the sadness.

But it was killing me not to.

Even if you’re super crazy shy, you know how great it feels to have one of those wonderful, close, connected, honest conversations.

Being with others in a deeply honest way may not only be good, it may change your entire life. 

Twelve step groups, support groups, one-on-one counseling, group therapy, retreats, prayer circles, study groups, people who do The Work of Byron Katie together.

We the people are somewhere you can reach us…whether on the phone, in your neighborhood, in your city.

You mean….I am going to reveal my stressful, weird, unpleasant, nasty, immature, pissy beliefs?

You mean I’m going to tell about my inadequacies, fears, and anger?

You mean I’m going to write what is inside my head? On paper (not in invisible ink)? And read what I write OUT LOUD?

Yes. You are. You know you want to!

You may feel sick for a little bit, but it rocks.

The more I’ve done The Work….the easier its gotten to reveal my innermost crushing thoughts to other humans.

In fact, the cave is no longer dark and musty and smelly….the one filled with all those resistant beliefs. It’s rather light and treasure-filled now.

I see now that this comes from being totally and completely honest, noticing exactly where and what I wanted to hide, and uncovering it…all the way.

“Most people don’t get out of childhood, or adolescence, without being wounded for telling the truth. Someone says ‘you can’t say that’ or ‘you shouldn’t say that’ or ‘that wasn’t appropriate’ so most of us human beings have a very deep underlying conditioning that says that just to be who we are is not OK…….Most human beings have an imprinting that if they’re real, if they’re honest, somebody’s not gonna like it. And they won’t be able to control their environment if they tell the truth.” ~ Adyashanti

Letting go of control, you become very honest.

That moment of speaking the truth without trying to get anything or expect anything or look a particular way…of just being you…what an amazing shift.

You may notice a freedom beyond belief.

“If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74

If you’re ready to be with a group, supporting you through inquiry with honesty and integrity, then come on down to the One Year Program and join our telegroup, starting 9/12.

You will be welcome here…the real you.

Love, Grace

P.S. if a year is too much and too long then come on over to the 8 week group which also starts 9/12 8 am Pacific time, turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Any relationship! (mother, father, son, daughter, brother, sister, cousin, spouse, boss, employee…)

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The Power of Two (Or More)

Last Friday the telegroup “Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven” met for our fourth session, out of eight. What a wonderful group of inquirers!

One thing several people on the call commented on were the strides they feel they are making in their internal inquiry as they connect with others, as opposed to the time they’ve spent doing The Work all by themselves.

Ooooh boy, do I know that one.

Sitting by myself, even after all these years, my mind wants to move as fast as a runaway train.

Sitting with my own mind also reminds me of Einstein’s famous quote that “no problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

DOH!

I know this is one of the reasons I am in this profession, doing this facilitating, being with others.

My own mind, left to its imagination, creativity, nuttiness and tendency to go off the rails gets back on track speedy quick with the presence of someone else.

I can empathize and relate to everyone who comes to be facilitated. I have never found someone who has had thoughts that I have not had. And the wonderful part is that they come along with their thoughts and bring them to my door, and I LOVE the opportunity.

I don’t have to wait to go through that experience myself. I don’t have to live through it first hand, like they did. I hold the space with them, and we look together.

It’s completely selfish. Someone comes to me, and I feel so honored and happy to sit with them in whatever dark, awful, horrible pain they are experiencing or picturing or living in…because with TWO of us…the questions get answered.

I’ve said it before, but it’s one of my favorite quotes from the bible “where two or more are gathered in my name, there I am in the midst”.

The “I” of course being christ, the mysterious, the center, the divine, the holy, the sacred.

Amazing. Eye-opening.

In Buddhism, this is called sangha. A group journeying together.

Today, if it appeals, allow yourself to speak with great honestly to someone else on the planet. If you want to do The Work, call the Help Line (www.thework.com) or call someone to facilitate you. Email me to set up a session.

Or sign up for a class (just look at the long list below!)

Or come to Breitenbush Hotsprings and hang out with an amazing group of individuals who are ready to dive in to questioning beliefs about being here on the planet in a body…all the dangers, turmoil, worry, pain, sickness, trauma, imperfections, consternation.

I love that it doesn’t ultimately matter what you are looking at…whether its a body, or a person, or money, or the vacuuming….if you feel sadness or fear or anger when you look, then there’s an opportunity there to do The Work.

“Taking refuge in the sangha means taking refuge in the brotherhood and sisterhood of people who are committed to taking off their armor. “~Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

P.S. Another workshop coming up in Seattle May 3-4 that combines The Work, the body and movement (Nia) and emotional healing using Systemic Constellations. More on that soon. It will be an awesome powerful sangha.