Tag: suffering

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Splitting Open

I know I’ve been writing long involved inquiry for months and months, almost every day.

Who would have known this was possible?

Ha ha! The way of it is strange and unexpected.

I thought I’d surprise you today (and give myself a little more time to work on other projects, by the way) and share only this short and beautiful poem.

No matter where you are, I hope you breathe, relax and feel the teensiest idea to be open to what has happened in your life. To being split open by difficulty, hurt, against what has happened.

All it takes is the idea.

It shouldn’t have happened…..is that really, really true?

“Light will someday split you open; even if your life is now a cage…Love will surely burst you wide open into an unfettered, blooming new galaxy.” ~ Hafiz

“Let love kill you” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace

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The Truth About Bitter Resentments

One of my favorite things about doing The Work, such a simple form of self-inquiry, is the first step.

Writing down all your vicious, nasty, mean thoughts of resentment about that other person, or that problem with food or money, or the way things are set up around here. 

You get to be a total brat. In fact, cuttin’ loose on those resentments can be quite cathartic. On paper. And it’s almost scary, even in this moment, to admit how that dark, frightened, defensive mind actually works. 

I hope that person burns in hell, I hope he fails disastrously and loses all his money and possessions, I hope she suffers and dies, I hope they get hit by a meteor, I hope they kill each other in misery, I hope they get what they deserve.

Then almost tied like a feather to the very same thoughts….sadness, grief, shame.

What’s wrong with me, that I’m so upset. I should take the high road. 

One time, early on in doing The Work and questioning my beliefs, I decided that I would write a massively, wildly, unabashedly shameful worksheet. I would tell the truth on it. 

I would write out how much I hated that person for real.

After completing a barrage of rage against the person as I held them in my memory, all written on paper, I paused as I re-read my words. Then, I suddenly realized….nothing I wrote on there was actually truly satisfying. It’s like I couldn’t really, really, really find words mean enough to describe the hatred I was feeling. 

And what I DID have written on the worksheet was questionable.  

Did I really want that person to rot in hell, burning with suffering forever for what they had done? To me?

Instead of so quickly condemning yourself for being such a mean, rotten, hurt, horrible, judgmental person….it is powerful to allow yourself to sit in those angry words and see if you really think of them as true.

People who steal, betray, or attack you (or others) are really great candidates for these kinds of raging worksheets. 

The ones whose fault it is that you’re not happy now. 

This is allowing that voice that is a total victim, who likes to blame, who wants revenge or resolution, to have it’s say. It’s there for a reason. Instead of suppressing it and feeling like a really horrible bad mean person….if you do….for even THINKING this way, why not go for it?

Because for me, it didn’t really work all that well to hold everything in and smash down my anger. I’d usually end up overeating later on. Turning and facing the actual base energy worked MUCH better, it turned out.

So let’s take a look, at a really mean thought, letting it be as it is–outraged!

He should suffer, rot in hell and die. He should never be happy. He should HURT.

Is that true?

No. Of course not. But let it be OK if YOU secretly answered “yes”. It’s called being mad. And terrified. Blowing energy outward in every direction. A big, chaotic scream. 

How do you react when you feel that extreme rage? When you have visions of that person dying, suffering, losing everything?

I know that for me….I felt HORRIBLE. I myself felt crushed, confused about where to put my anger, lost, desperate, beaten. I sat here with the feelings. I noticed they didn’t feel good. They felt like an implosion, sort of sickening, and furious.

So who would you be without that belief? Without the thought that someone else should suffer, hurt, or remain unhappy…forever?

Happy, lighter, kind…….GRATEFUL.

Turning the thought around, I see that person should heal, multiply in heaven and live! He should always be happy. He should not hurt.

Now that’s truly exciting. And true. 

“At each step and with each breath we are given the option of acting and responding, both inwardly and outwardly, from the conditioning of egoic consciousness which values control and separation above all else, or from the intuitive awareness of unity which resides in the inner silence of our being.” ~ Adyashanti 

Could it be that as I think vengeful thoughts towards someone, or others, that I feel pain towards myself?

I hope that I burn in hell, I hope I fail disastrously and lose all my money and possessions, I hope I suffer and die, I hope I get hit by a meteor, I hope I kill myself in misery, I hope I get what I deserve.

Could any of these be gifts, or absurdities, or unimportant, or not that bad after all? Just a scenario the mind is making up, with its exquisite imagination?

Ha ha, kind of crazy….but opening to these options, without terror….is funny. 

“The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.” ~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Every person who ever “hurt” me taught me the most incredible things. Sitting in what they did, what I did, what happened….there is nothing but profound gratitude. Not because gratitude is the “right” thing to feel. 

It is what remains after inquiry. 

Much love, Grace

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Clarity Does Not Suffer

It’s funny how along the path of life, a sentence, or a few words, or a situation will appear, and profoundly affect us.

There is the flash of someone saying a few words, and then the way they said it, their facial expression, repeats itself as a memory.

The other day I was walking down the street and the face of someone I once knew appeared in my mind.

This happens to people all the time, it’s a normal life event.

Why that moment, in that way, at that hour…we can’t say.

One moment nothing, only noticing pavement, trees, yellow flowers, fence, blue sky…the next moment the memory of that person, then perhaps an emotional sensation.

I felt sad.

Then I felt appreciation, even though that friendship is forever over. I felt a sort of melancholy smile, like all is well, was well and will be well.

A little while later, I looked at the fascinating thought “I felt sad”.

That was a core basic descriptive sentence for what happened after I had the memory image float through my mind.

But the sentence “I felt sad” talks about an “I” and then a feeling, and then what kind of feeling (sad).

The Work or self-inquiry is looking at anything with an open and investigative mind that feels uncomfortable.

So I asked myself…“I felt sad, is that true?”

Yes, that’s true. I am communicating the sensations that rose up after I saw the image in my mind of that person’s face.

That was SADNESS. Yessirree!

My throat felt tight, my stomach felt tight, my heart felt full and sort of broken (whatever that is exactly, I’m not sure).

But if I really try to answer that question….as if I just landed on the planet and didn’t really know anything? If I was coming at it from a very new, fresh place?

I can only say those were sad feelings because I’ve learned that’s what other people call them here.

I’m actually not sure what all those feelings were. Because they shifted and morphed and became feelings of gratitude, and a peacefulness came over me rather than pain.

Can I absolutely know that was true, that I was feeling sadness?

And while we’re at it, what is the “I” that was feeling the sadness, or that saw the image?

Woman walking down the street, outside world, inside world, all of it mixed up together, blending….images popping up, air breathed, images seen with the eyes, images seen with the mind.

Then feelings apparently happening. Sensations in the body moving, being one way, changing to another way.

No. I can not absolutely know that I felt sadness when I remembered that person.

I’m not even exactly sure if there was a solid “I” there in the first place (in fact, I’m pretty sure there wasn’t, even though I keep using the word “I”).

How do I react when I have the thought “that is sooooo sad, I felt soooo sad, he felt sad, she felt sad, they feel sad….”?

I feel more sad. I feel unhappy. I want to help. I want to shift it. I think “oh this is terrible, this is uncomfortable!”

Who would I be without the thought that I felt sad, or feel sad now when I see that person in my mind again?

I’d be curious, open, and absolutely filled with love for that person.

I’d also be filled with love for myself, and the gorgeous day, and the presence and stuff all around me….and all the other little thoughts and images rolling through whatever I’m calling inside and outside of a “me”.

Without the thought that this memory is sad, I’d bask in it and allow it to be here, and tears might roll down my cheeks but it an active, moving, sweet, cleansing way.

I turn the thought around to the opposite “I felt happy”.

Wow. That is TRUE! Could it be just as true, or truer, than believing that what I felt was sadness?

Something moves through the throat, the chest, the face…the breath sucks in deeply to lungs, eyes follow sidewalk cracks, “it” sees, or somehow takes in houses, windows, trees, birds, mental images.

Here with this memory is silence, and joy, gratitude, love.

Nothing more is necessary right now. No live people needed, just the images. It’s OK.

“Clarity does not suffer.” ~Byron Katie

Love, Grace