Tag: stop comparing yourself

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Without Comparison God and You Are One

That person is soooo cool, she has it together, he is successful, she is so fit, he is such a dynamo at business, they are so lucky, he is so enlightened, she is so good at helping tons of people…

…have you ever had Comparison Worry?

I love taking a dive to investigate stressful beliefs about these kinds of thoughts where you feel some inner glitch because a human out there has something you feel drawn to yourself.

You want it, too.

You do not have it.

Now, before you chop yourself off from this inquiry by saying“there is nothing I really want, I am fine here with me, there’s no one else’s life I want”…

…stay with me if you have a tiny dream that feels unrealized.

Like “waking up”, being confident, feel abundant, doing good for others (like Mother Teresa), being kind, feeling peaceful at all times, making a difference.

Now think of someone who DOES occupy that role, that space, who has it.

They know something or have something that you do not have—is that true?

Yes! I saw him give a speech. He said he made $122K in one month AND he’s helping tons of people change their own lives and contributing to a more joyful world. He’s so confident!

Yes! She offers personal awareness programs and has waiting lists for participants and helps people recover from terrible addictive behavior. She’s so loving!

Yes! He gave people hope, he was so awake people still talk about him after hundreds of years. He was so radical and kind!

Are you sure it’s true, that when you look over there at that amazing person, that enlightened teacher, that they have some quality, or insight, or idea that YOU don’t have, that you’re missing?  

Really answer this question, with honesty. You might be surprised. The answer might be No.

Even if you’re a regular self-doubter.

How do you react when you think the thought that what is going on over there, in that person’s life, is not possible for you? Or if it is possible, it’s not here yet, dang it!

I chase! I’m on the move. I’m rabidly reading books. I buy information, I check out 800 items from the library when I could only read one at a time.

I analyze, I work very hard, I concentrate.

I had a client recently who had this same kind of thought. I want that lifestyle, over there, he thought. I want to be like so-and-so, the one I admire. I want a girlfriend and a great career.

The way he reacted is, he felt depressed, hopeless, defeated. Like it was impossible. Too late. Too hard. Too many rejections so far.

How do you feel physically, with that thought that you are not there yet?

Tired. Tight throat. Sinking chest.

And now….who would you be without that belief? Without the thought that you don’t have what it really takes, or you have a long way to go before you get there, or even, there might be something wrong with you?

Right in this moment, what would you be without that idea?

“Many people find their spirituality taking them outward. They think they are going inward because they have heard the spiritual teaching, ‘Inquire and look within.’ Meanwhile, they are out in the stars somewhere looking for someone else’s experience, looking for the right experience, or looking for the experience they believe they are supposed to have. This is spirituality going entirely in the wrong direction. Inquiry is a means of taking you back to yourself, back to your experience.” ~ Adyashanti 

As I watch the amazing cool young man on youtube who I love that has built a really innovative business (in my opinion) and as I watch all the beautiful teachers of human inquiry and enlightenment and healing….

….without the belief that I am missing something, or that they have something I don’t, or that I’ll never get there….

….I notice I’m delighted beyond words. The variety of success, joy, abundance, wisdom is infinite in this environment.

This place, here, in this particular human life is just right for now. It’s like a garden blooming full of flowers of the most amazing varieties. Today, it turns out, this is what is called for, that is what is moved to, this is how it moves.

It’s not personal.

“Reality is something I can trust. It rules. It is what is, and once it is, there’s nothing I can do to change it for the moment. Nothing. I love that. It’s all so beautiful…..There’s a perfect order running. I’m a lover of what is. Who would I be without my story? Without my story, in this very moment, is where God and I are one.” ~ Byron Katie

Without my story that I don’t have that, or there is something different about that other person’s life (more successful, easier, bigger….or for that matter less successful, harder, smaller) then this moment is quite brilliant.

It’s one gigantic I-Don’t-Know.

I am here, with myself, and find whatever this is (this person who is apparently me) is temporary, unfinished, filled with life energy, watching, taking things in, communing with these other visions of people.

I turn the thought around: I am not missing anything, nothing at all. I have all that is needed, here now. I could die this moment and know it’s been enough, is enough. I am the most incredible person, I LOVE myself, what an interesting human! 

Could that be as true?

How does it feel, despite all the heartache, setbacks, mistakes, loss, failure….to know that you didn’t miss anything, you have all that is needed, that you ARE the qualities you admire, and it’s fine if they don’t look like that person over there.

They look like you, over here.

Even if you DO have doubt about yourself or your abilities, what would it be like to feel that turnaround right now, in the second you’re reading these words: there is something right with me, this is good enough, I love, I enlighten, I serve, I am abundance, I make a difference, I am radical and kind, I am awareness. 

“We are that awareness, whether we’ve noticed it or not.” ~ Rupert Spira

Appreciating This Process

“I wanted to share with you that as a result of doing My Work relevant to ‘Eating Peace’ I am having one of the most peaceful, easy and gentle in my mind evenings home-alone nights in a long time.  I don’t eat much during the day, but evenings are my tough times. Lots of surprising underlying thoughts to Work with have come up, and I feel deep appreciation for this progress. Thanks so much for holding the space for this!” ~ K

Much love, Grace

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Compared To Me….Your Situation Is

It is C*R*A*Z*Y how much the mind loves to compare.

Sometimes it seems to be in constant motion, holding up two or more scenarios and picking which one it likes best.

We compare that person’s situation to our own situation, and the neighbors situation, and the people we knew ten years ago and their situation, and our mother’s situation, and our siblings’ situations.

When someone tells us that they are having a hard time, our mind scans the files we have, memories, seeing if it can relate.

We’ll start to say, whether out loud or inwardly; “oh, yes, I had a friend who had that disease once….who got married like that….I myself was in a similar accident….there was the time a member of my family also had….I encountered that too…”

It’s almost an automatic way to relate to others, to refer back to what WE have heard and experienced and learned and believed that is similar to what they’re telling us.

The other day in a waiting room I heard one woman say to another that her aunt had died.

The one who was listening to the news of the aunt’s death began saying “oh that is so terrible, so hard…oh dear. The caregiver must not have anything to do now, that is probably a big loss in the caregiver’s life. Oh how terrible..”

There was  a lot of humming and ooo-ing and there-there-ing, and awwww-how-sad in between the words.

The other woman, whose aunt had died, said, after a pause…“um, well, no, the caregiver is actually quite happy that my aunt is now free from being sick, and happy that she herself is free from having to be the caretaker!”

The one who had been ooohing and ahhhing about the death sort of said “oh!” with surprise.

I smiled at over-hearing the assumption made, and then the correction of the assumption.

Sometimes we get corrected in our views, which is one version of having our beliefs questioned, in a very simple way…..

Someone tells us!

But here’s the tricky thing I notice about comparison…..

….it’s a lot more intense, sort of crucial and painful and deep, based on how much stress we are feeling about our situation.

We might start to compare our lives to other people who have it better.

We lose our income, our house burns down, our partner leaves…..

….and our friends who have just won the lottery, built a new house, or gotten married produce a sort of frosty feeling inside us when we’re with them and they are talking about their good fortunes.

Ooops. Comparison has descended.

I look worse off than they do. Uh oh. Cry!!!

Too bad, in these situations, someone can’t come in and just tell us that we’re off, that we’re not seeing things clearly, and that we’re making assumptions that really aren’t true.

But wait! We DO have a signal, actually, that tells us we’re not seeing things clearly!

It’s called STRESS. An uncomfortable feeling. Resistance. Upset.

When I ran out of all my money, and then had bills, and a mortgage and no way to pay it, I was soooooo terrified and depressed.

I felt down, fatigued, and yet couldn’t sleep well. I was doing The Work and looking at my beliefs as if my life depended on it (it did).

I would feel calm and serene, and realize that I was breathing and fine even though my financial life was like the Titanic sinking. I would realize I was absolutely OK.

And then…..I would go on a walk.

About 3 blocks from my street was the edge of a gorgeous lane. The neighborhood suddenly became lakeside real estate.

Lush gardens, well-tended and plush mansions, boats, docks, automobiles of the highest calibre, marble statues.

My ears had fumes coming out of both sides within twenty minutes of the walk.

How did THESE people do it? Why were THEY getting so much? Why didn’t I have an estate on the lake?

What was I doing wrong? 

By comparison…..they are SO MUCH BETTER.

Stop.

Inquiry time. This is called aggravation, envy, angst, agony. Comparison.

Who would I be without the thought that what I am seeing means something about me?

What if I don’t need to relate or understand or have a similar experience or “get” exactly what they did….in order to be happy?

I might quit comparing, and perhaps even see things with new, fresh eyes.

I noticed that as I walked down the street, without the thought that they had it better and I was lacking something…..

…..I was walking through a most amazing world.

It was like Alice in Wonderland, a magical bounty of vision everywhere: trees, sky, sidewalk, cars, wood, glass, colors, views, fountains, art, ornaments…..

……all right here, in my world, in my awareness.

Nothing missing, nothing gone or absent that “should” be there (for me) but instead a whole universe jam-packed with beauty everywhere.

Even though I was perceiving myself in that moment as not “owning” or having the same kinds of things.

Perhaps no comparison was necessary in order to be intimately connected with whatever was going on around me, or with whoever I was talking with.

No need to find common experience or common ground, no need to see them as separate or better.

Without busily comparing everything to Me and My Experience, a great relaxation occurs.

What a cute little mind, so busy busy busy constantly checking in to see if this body/person is doing OK, by comparison.

“One must be willing to stand alone-in the unknown, with no reference to the known or the past or any of one’s conditioning. One must stand where no one has stood before in complete nakedness, innocence, and humility. One must stand in that dark light, in that groundless embrace, unwavering and true to the reality beyond all self–not just for a moment, but forever without end. For then that which is sacred, undivided, and whole is born within consciousness and begins to express itself.” ~ Adyashanti 

Without measuring and comparing myself to everything and everyone else, the amount of money I have, the amount of attention I have, the amount of enlightenment I have is totally and completely unimportant.

And it can’t be measured. Everything starts to blur together.

There is enough of everything.

Freedom!

“Basically without comparison, you have a happy life in every moment.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace