Orchestrate your happiness. It’s not what you think.

Do you ever want the future to go a certain way?

LOL.

It’s almost considered odd NOT to think the future should go a certain way.

We so think we KNOW what would work best, what success looks like, or surviving well. I might lose what I have, or I might not get something I want.

The other day, my mind had the belief when I woke up in the morning: It would be bad if no one came to my retreats this spring. I need to make announcements about them. I wish there was only one, not two (because there are too many seats to fill). They’re too close together.  

I started dreaming of the work I’d do that day before I was even out of bed; posting the events to the free city events page for the general public, submitting to local publications, contacting the workshop postings for mental health practitioners.

And then, I chuckled.

The brilliant question hung in the air like a sweet melody, before I even started in on the tasks I had in mind:

Can I know it’s true not enough people will come to retreat if there are two right in a row? Can I really know it’s better if they’re “full”?

Is this really a scary scenario for me, this picture of “not enough”? Really?

This thought could be a story I’ve told a zillion times in my mind.

Later, soon, in the future….there won’t be enough support, there won’t be enough company, there won’t be enough money, there won’t be enough excitement, there won’t be enough time, there won’t be enough love, there won’t be enough health, there won’t be enough life.

What a nervous wreck to think these thoughts so regularly. The potential for things to go “wrong” always parading around. The desire for things to go “right” (and I know what it looks like) always hanging in the air.

What do you envision as successful in your future? What do you want to make sure NEVER happens?

How do you react when you think there’s a possibility for success or failure, and you want it to go the way you prefer?

I get all narrow-minded on the success track. I believe I ‘have to’ do certain things to make it go in that direction. I believe I’m the one running the show here. I work with urgency, or with a push. I don’t have fun. I’m determined in an intense way. I’m nervous about it going the “bad” way.

Everything becomes Not Fun.

Sometimes, I procrastinate. I think about doing something and say I should be doing it, but it feels so pressured I also rebel against it all, and go to yoga. I listen to youtubes. I watch The Crown on Netflix.

I get pictures in my head of other people thinking I’m a dork when it comes to marketing anything. Inefficient. Lousy at it. The people expecting incoming calls at Breitenbush to be disappointed, because…..crickets.

Who would I be without this stressful story that it would be bad if the two retreats coming up weren’t full?

A weight lifted.

I’d be happy. Today.

I’d notice the calendar has something on it in mid-May, and again in mid-June. I wouldn’t feel resistant to it, or concerned. It would be what it is.

I’d stop acting like I’m God the Dictator and I Know Everything. I’d let out a sigh (and a chuckle) of joy at how sure a thought flames up in a second about what needs to be avoided….but how I’ve also got the amazing and beautiful question “is it true?” (And it’s not even “mine”).

I’d feel the energy running through this very moment of aliveness. Hearing the dryer turn the clothes. See red sleeves near laptop keys. Gazing at wooden bowl next to a box of tissues. Hearing husband’s feet tap tap walking and opening a drawer.

This moment a poetry.

Every possible way the future goes….perfect.

Trusting what is. Letting life do it. Letting God do it (it is already). Noticing all the people already on the list for May. Feeling the happiness and peace whether events are full, or not full, or the worst turnout ever, or the best.

Noticing what is done today and very much enjoying the ride. I could die tomorrow, and what I did today to post information about these retreats would have still been interesting, even fun. Not annoying tasks.

Turning the thought around: It would be fantastic if no one came to my retreats this spring. I do not need to make announcements about them. I wish there was just the number there are (none in this moment as I am alone on my couch). There are not too many seats to fill. These retreats are perfectly spaced.

Turning the thoughts around again: It would be bad if I didn’t come to my own retreats this spring. If I didn’t approach my thinking with The Work. I need to announce my thinking, to expose it and share it with myself. There’s too much thinking to fill (yes, in my head). My thoughts are too close together. 

Good heavens. Is it my thinking that’s scary or the actual outcome I’m sure would be a disaster?

Only my thinking.

Can you find good reasons, interesting or helpful or advantageous reasons for it going the “wrong” way in the future, whatever it is you’re worried about?

Hmmm. If I have small retreat sizes, I can eliminate one next year. I can give lovely close attention and more time to each person who attends. I’ll have fewer supplies to put together. I’ll get to experience the joy that’s possible even if only ONE person is joining me in inquiry. If no one came at all, I’d get four days in silent inquiry with myself. I could further develop the curriculum. I’d relax knowing we have plenty of time for each exercise. I’d get to meditate.

“I invite you to look forward to an uncomfortable feeling, find clarity through investigation, and meet your own discomfort with understanding. Orchestrate your own happiness. Why wait for anything or anyone outside you to bring contentment and harmony?” ~ Byron Katie

What a beautiful retreat has arrived, after answering four questions. Like, right now.

Oh. Haha.

Who are you without the belief that something might not go right in the future?

Not believing your thoughts. Orchestrating your own happiness.

Feeling the harmony of what is.

In pursuit of knowledge,
every day something is added.
In the practice of the Tao,
every day something is dropped.
Less and less do you need to force things,
until finally you arrive at non-action.
When nothing is done,

nothing is left undone.

True mastery can be gained
by letting things go their own way.
It can’t be gained by interfering.
~ Tao Te Ching #48 (translated by Stephen Mitchell)

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Spring Retreat

P.P.S. Breitenbush Retreat

Meeting together for meetup or retreat….to uncover your suffering and question it

If you're feeling alone, find group support
If you’re feeling alone, find group support

To celebrate leap year, I’m offering an early-bird special fee for the upcoming Spring Retreat in The Work in Seattle on May 13-15 (including all day Friday starting at 9:30 am). If you register by next Monday Leap Day February 29th, it’s $325 (you save $70). Click HERE to register.

Write me separately to reserve a room in the lodge (two left) for only $50 per night.

And, if you’d like to get a sense of this work of self-inquiry and un-raveling stressful thinking in your life, especially the way stress leads to compulsive behavior like eating, then onight I’m opening up my home for a new meetup called Eating Peace (which is a drop-in group for only $10 donation).

We’ll take a look at beliefs that drive compulsive reaching for food (or anything, really) and use self-inquiry to explore what’s going on in that stressful moment.

I had the thought….how can this topic be covered in two hours?

With people who have a full range of experiences, all of which may be completely different?

It’s difficult to hold still, and see what’s happening, when you’re used to popping something in your mouth when you feel bored, confused, angry, nervous, you’re around other people, or you feel uncomfortable in some way and the call of eating (or other behavior) is so strong.

But we’ll dive in, identify some of what we’re thinking, and investigate.

Often the very first place we start, when we’re looking at behavior we don’t like….

….is pretty vicious:

  • there is something wrong with me
  • I should be completely different (thin, calm, peaceful, sober)
  • I can’t stop (compulsively eating sugar, drinking caffeine, spending, watching videos, drinking alcohol)
  • the thing I repeatedly want will make me feel better
We can take anything through inquiry, exploring what’s actually true, questioning the line of thinking.

 

Is it true that reaching for that thing will make you feel better?

 

Is it true you can’t tolerate feeling bad right now (before you take a bite, or do the thing)?

 

Are you sure there’s something wrong with you?

 

Are you really not able to stop?

 

For me….I keep finding the answer to be “no”.

How do you react when you believe any of these thoughts?

Ugh.

Drowning in the movement of compulsion. Trying hard to fix myself. Making plans to change, and this might even include “get enlightened”.

Anything but be here now, in all my imperfections and troubles.

So here’s the profound question that can sometimes be pondered for days:

Who would you be without your story?

Who would you be if there was nothing wrong with you, you shouldn’t be any different than you are? Without thinking you can’t stop doing what you’re doing, or that the thing you reach for makes you feel better?

Wow.

It seems like reading books and spiritual teachings makes me feel better. It seems like drinking coffee makes me feel better. It seems like doing “x” makes me feel better.

But what if you didn’t have that thought?

I notice, anything I’ve ever thought that’s outside of myself that makes me feel better….only does for a temporary amount of time.

It never really supplies a wonderful, fabulous feeling, or a peaceful feeling. Not completely, not permanently, not with full satisfaction.

So what to do?

Notice what you don’t like, right now, that’s happening. Notice what you don’t like feeling. Notice what frightens you, makes you sad.

Take these thoughts (and feelings) as a practice, through self-inquiry.

It’s not easy.

I myself would sometimes like a temporary, short, easy activity to end my boredom, or anxiety, or sadness.

It never does in the long run.

If you’re not sure where to begin, start to write in your journal what you’re upset about in your current condition, situation, life circumstance. Write about what you find disturbing.

Then….you can do The Work!

Join me if you’d like support at a retreat or meetup. There’s nothing like gathering together with others to give you the freedom to inquire, notice, slow down, feel the help available to you, personally.

I couldn’t have started out all alone….and being with others never stopped!

When I can’t seem to do it myself, the presence of others brings it all home, once again.

One week of special early bird sign-up for spring retreat in northeast Seattle. We’ll have an awesome time.

Much love, Grace