sharing – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

March 9, 2018

The Great Surprise of Acceptance I Never Expected.

First of all, the latest Peace Talk Podcast 138: When the doctor said it’s cancer! (Yikes!)

People are pretty incredible at pretending they feel things they don’t really feel.

Remember the famous movie scene in When Harry Met Sally with Meg Ryan’s in Katz’ restaurant with Billy Crystal? (I’ll have what she’s having!)

And then I heard recently in the movie I, Tonya about a tragic moment when Tonya Harding skates out on the ice with a huge big fake smile, despite having terrible bruises under her make-up and emotional heart-break only moments before.

It’s astonishing how we can look like something on the outside that’s not matching at all on the inside.

It’s acting.

And oh my, I used to act a lot.

When I was a child, I covered up feeling betrayed or hurt with a smile. I’d hold in tears by holding my breath. I smiled when I was actually terrified or upset. I was shy and avoided people I really liked a lot and admired.

The thing I found amazing about The Work, and also a bit awkward (OK very very awkward at first) was the first step: tell the truth about how you really feel.

The whole truth.

No matter how petty, childish, ridiculous, mean, vicious or nasty you sound. And no matter if part of you thinks it is NOT true.

Tell it on paper, so it doesn’t sneak away and get reworded or hidden or subverted all over again.

Now, this is an incredible step, to admit and be willing to write down all your aggressive, judgmental, suspicious, frightened, childish thoughts about other people, situations, or things that bother you.

I’ve had people tell me to keep their worksheets in a brown file folder at my house, or if they’re long distance that they’re shredding their worksheet the minute they’re done with it.

But what about in a group?

Where other people are listening, hearing, contemplating YOUR mean awful desperate thoughts?

Why would I want other people, and maybe even strangers, to hear my most ugly thoughts? That’s taking it too far. I just can’t.

Long ago on my first adventures into healing my extremely anxious mind, I was led to a therapist who believed in group therapy. She believed it was so valuable, she encouraged every single person who came to work with her to eventually move into one of her groups.

In fact, if you wanted to keep to individual sessions only, she’d kick you out–er, I mean refer you on to some other therapist–who was willing to listen to you repeat yourself, possibly for years.

Even though I trusted her, I was pretty nervous about the group therapy.

I thought “I’ll never do that.”

But after six months of solo work, she said it was time.

I sat in near total silence from Day One of entering that group. I could barely whisper my name to the other members (there were 9). I looked down at the rug, or stared at whoever was talking politely.

I was deeply curious about what was going on, but absolutely shaking in my bones to reveal the true me. It felt paralyzing.

One day, about six months into me being in the group, the lead therapist (the one I had seen independently for awhile first) said she had something important to say before we began.

She turned to me.

Gulp.

“Grace, you have been completely silent for six months here. Do you realize, you are remaining in complete control by doing this? We want to get to know you, to feel you as a part of this group family.”

I began to cry. (Although not too hard, mind you).

I’m not sure if it was out of fear, or relief.

I knew that although I was terrified to share, I also knew I wanted to desperately, and to feel the freedom of being all of myself, the childish and the wise.

I started talking from that day forward, and participating honestly. Slowly, this became easier and easier over time. It was one of the most life-changing and important things I ever did for my own freedom.

While I was in that group, I had my last eating binge, I became close to my boyfriend in a more genuine way (and married him), I began writing short stories for other people to read–not just me, and I held a normal full time job I actually kind of liked.

I began to feel…..normal. Like a regular human being instead of a severely anxious, depressed, addicted wreck.

Sharing in a group with true honesty has remained powerful for me to this day.

I love the dynamics of a group and I have a deep, abiding compassion for those who wish to keep things to themselves.

I know they do it for good reasons.

I also know the power of self-inquiry that can help us begin to speak when we’re stuck in silence.

What I find every time in a group environment with other people, is we’re all quite unique, but we’re also incredibly alike.

We’re all thinking, believing, feeling humans. We all have childish aspects and very wise adult aspects and everything in between. We’re all doing it our own way, on our own path….and yet somehow, together.

“There are no new thoughts.” ~ Byron Katie

If I had not shown up at that group so long ago, and been poked to be honest, I might be living a life of simple survival, getting through each day, feeling somewhat alone and never really excited or passionate. Maybe I wouldn’t be binge-eating or freaking out anxiously anymore, but I might be resigned, or numb. Who knows.

I am forever grateful I myself responded to something within that said “call that therapist” and that I stuck with it despite having extremely frightened judgments about people getting together and being emotional (ew).

I am forever grateful the universe was friendly, and I got pushed along by the current of truth-telling, and willingness to be authentic and real.

Honesty and revealing the suffering allows the light to shine in.

If you’ve been considering sitting with others to sink into your own work, in a very safe non-invasive, nothing-is-truly-required container….then come gather with me and other inquirers to look at this goofy and difficult and sad and humorous mind that views the world the way it does.

You may discover an acceptance, through the eyes of others, you never found possible for yourself.

Because that’s what happened for me so long ago in that little group.

I shared with them out loud that I sometimes felt suicidal, that I isolated, that I ate the equivalent of five meals instead of one.

I looked up at them, thinking I’d see disgust on their faces.

I saw only acceptance. Compassion. Tenderness. Maybe some confusion. I was not banished or rejected.

No one kicked me out of the group for being too much of a mess.

It changed my life.

It showed me what I could do for myself: accept my thoughts, like little children, waiting for someone to listen….and that someone was me.

“I had such a hunger to burn up whatever thoughts arose in my mind that whenever a physical reaction came through me, I let it come….I would just stand or drop onto the sidewalk and let the emotion have its way. People were always kind. They would stop and say things like ‘Do you need help?’ ‘Would you like a tissue?’ ‘Is there someone I can call?’ ‘Can I take you somewhere?’ That’s how I met the world. It was tender. It was sensitive. These people were all pieces of me.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself.

If you’re like me and you notice you could use a little help in coming out of your shell or cave, or you’re not sure where your “yes” voice is that knows we’re in a great big co-creation experiment (oh joy)….

….then you may be ready for retreat.

Find one in your neighborhood or city, even a few hours drive away will work to gather and connect with others. Maybe there’s a meetup in The Work in your area, or someone who facilitates retreats.

If you’re in the northwest or want to head in this direction, I’d welcome you with open arms.

Three options I have coming soon:

a) Half-day retreat in Seattle March 18th (3 more spots). Only 4 hours 2-6 pm. You’ll walk through this powerful inquiry process with one important issue or troubling situation. You don’t have to share out loud–although you may find joy if you do. Ten people maximum in my Goldilocks Cottage living room.

b) Spring retreat is in Seattle May 16-20 and has room for 4 more. You can commute, and there’s a cute AirBnb or two nearby I can point you to. We have a grand, gorgeous retreat house with the most luscious grounds with little meditation huts, a hot tub, and green views everywhere. Movement, poetry, inspiring stories of inquiry, silent walk, silent movement field trip, a movie night can all result in inner awareness and you finding your own solutions to stuck-ness.

c) And then there’s Breitenbush Hotsprings in Oregon June 13-17 with the lovely Todd Smith. Although 3 months away, the early bird fee is NOW and it’s strongly encouraged to reserve your lodging soon, as cabins, dorms, rooms in the lodge, and even campsite spaces all get taken up so quickly in this gorgeous season where the sun is out so long in the northwest and people from all over the world come to Breitenbush. People got turned away last year beginning in May–it was a little surprising. If you’re serious about coming to Breitenbush, it’s better to reserve now (only a deposit is due upon registration)–call Breitenbush 503-854-3320.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you’ve emailed me about any of these events, and I haven’t gotten back to you–it may be email tech problems. Write to gracewithwork@gmail.com my alternate email.

P.P.S. Much love to you on your journey home to yourself.

August 12, 2016

Can there be too much sharing? (Masterclass Encore August 17th)

Wow, thank you to so many people who have written to ask for the link to the MasterClass Replays on ten barriers that derail, confuse, or make doing The Work meh instead of exciting….and how to dissolve them and go deeper.

It’s a full two-plus hours, which is not for everyone….but if you decided you’d like to listen in, even if you didn’t register to participate….I’m including the replay link at the end of this Grace Note.

Mostly because I can’t keep straight anymore who wanted the replay. I love you asked, so here it is. No opt-in necessary.

And because I seriously got so many requests, via facebook, email, and even two texts, I’m planning an encore. Yes, I’ll offer it one more time!

Wednesday, August 17th this very next week, at 2 pm Pacific.

To attend live, I will have you register, so those of you who really don’t want to hear about this masterclass again, won’t. If you want to sign up and join me, head over here. The advantage of being there live is I’ll read and answer all your questions out loud from the Q & A page, you’ll get to comment, share, and participate.

Which brings me to an interesting stressful thought around sharing, doing, creating, announcing, offering, promoting, and connecting to others in this world.

I need to NOT share too much.

talkstoomuch — Is it them, or you, who is sharing too much? Even if it’s not Out Loud, you might be yakking away with your judgments, instead of sharing the truth

Have you ever had this thought?

I’m not talking about the obvious arena for this stressful belief: running a small business, offering a service, needing to spread the word out in the community, also known as marketing.

I’ve had this thought when it comes to participating in a group discussion or conversation, at parties, in family gatherings!

I’ve had this belief about other people too….they’re sharing too much, they’re blabbing on and on, they take over the floor too often, they should put a lid on it!

Well….the way we can get the most juicy, deep clarity from this stressful observation that it’s possible to share too much, is to find a situation when someone did.

Do you know someone who shares, talks, speaks, tells too much?

I instantly had someone come to mind.

Man, what a motor mouth.

I picture myself sitting with him at a coffee house. He’s smiling and talking and keeps on saying “you know?” with his thick New York accent and keeps on going.

I can’t get a word in edgewise.

Does he even care about one single thing I might share or think?

Does he notice how he’s dominating the entire two hours we’ve had together? Jeezus, take a breath!

(Gosh. I also have two other people, entirely different people, who I also had the very exact same thoughts about. Hmmm. What’s the common denominator. Oh. That would be me. Um….Let’s keep going.)

He’s sharing too much.

Is it true?

Yes, oh lordy, yes. Why didn’t I say I had an appointment right after? I need to get outta here!

But can I absolutely know it’s true he’s sharing too much? Can I know it’s HIM who is the culprit? Can I know it’s too much, for me? For this moment? For him?

No.

I see I’m not saying anything. I’m not speaking up. He thinks I’m happy with the speed and quantity of this sharing. How would he know otherwise? I’m even smiling. I look engaged.

How do I react when I think he’s sharing too much?

I think about escaping, and doing it “politely” is the only alternative. All the blame is over there, on him. I miss the awareness that I am saying nothing, so there’s a vacuum. I miss my own fear of speaking up, of telling the truth, of participating fully and connecting with this friend genuinely.

I create a wall of separation.

I keep friends who don’t over-share, and I ditch the ones who do.

Oh dear. Embarrassing.

So who would I be without the belief he’s sharing too much, or that it’s even possible to over-share?

I push the “pause” button on this scene and hold still, without hearing the sound, without feeling the escape-urges.

Without the belief he’s over-sharing, I see someone eager and happy. I see joy and excitement. I feel the trust he has in me as a listener. I feel open, relaxed.

I also notice I can speak, myself. I can say “hold on there brother, you’re moving awfully fast, and I’d love to make a comment” if I actually want to.

I can even ask if he’s nervous.

Without the belief that it’s possible to share too much, or make a mistake around sharing, talking, announcing….

….then I notice I’m a fantastic listener. I’m hearing sound, words, expression all coming into my space and I’m delighted. I can also call it quits any time, without stress.

I turn the thought around:

He’s sharing just right, not too much. I’m sharing too much with all my inner commentary about sharing, and wanting to escape.

Can I find an example of how him sharing is lovely, a service, or easy (instead of intolerable or annoying or too much)?

Yes. He’s telling me about his life, his ideas, his inner world, his heart. He’s connecting with me. We’re joining through communication. How about I actually participate, and speak what’s true for me? What if I bring what’s true for me to this table, instead of hiding and believing I can’t?

What if every motor mouth I ever met is someone reaching out to connect, and I can reach back, with love? I might even make a suggestion we sit with each other in silence, if it feels right.

How could it be wonderful, that they share as they’re inspired? I notice it doesn’t harm anyone, and certainly doesn’t harm me.

I see the turnaround to myself, taking this friend and any talkative, sharing person out of it, is I share too much with ME. I’m constantly talking on the inside of my head about needing escape. I’ve been very noisy with myself on what I’m doing wrong, how I need to fix myself, and the need for improvement and change, or how I can’t sit still and listen to another human speak.

Maybe these people are matching the motor-mind I’ve had on the inside.

Drop the “maybe”.

Get the replay link for the recorded masterclass from August 9th here.

“My friends are always right. And I get to realize it or suffer….Until you love them unconditionally, your work’s not done.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace

January 8, 2014

Do You HAVE To Share?

Yesterday one of the YOI groups started our month on looking at moments of stress or trouble around…..sexuality.

The orientation around this topic, what is learned or what we’re allowed to talk about….has huge variations from culture to culture, family to family, religious traditions, social expectations.

As we began our call together, I did the slow and steady version of filling out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet as a guided meditation.

That JYN worksheet has six powerful questions on it. They are designed to cut to the chase about whatever really painful situation you’ve got going on.

Some people want to skip this writing part.

“I know what I’m thinking already!”

They see that they’ve got the concept, or the one-liner as many people call it, already clearly in mind.

The thing is, the JYN worksheet helps you get deeper with that troubling situation. Sometimes, the first ideas that come to mind when you don’t like a situation are obvious, clear, and a stream of cuss words.

“I hate this!”

“That person should *&/%# STOP!”

“He/she hurt me!”

But you may not really find what feels most painful about a situation until you sit and write about it, answering questions about it, wading through the swamp to review the surroundings.

This is not always easy when it comes to sexuality.

And if it’s not….then I love what one person in our group knew to do.

She wrote her JYN on this topic, on talking about this topic, examining this topic, investigating this topic.

Do we have to talk about this….out loud? Shouldn’t this be discussed in private?

I love noticing simple preferences, comfort, awareness and beliefs about this. In this era where some people think everyone SHOULD be examining thoughts openly about sexuality….

….finding a gentle, relaxed place about this topic and discussion is such a relief.

The Work can be worked completely on your own, or with others.

If a worksheet with all your thoughts on it feels embarrassing, condemning, shameful, frightening, or squeamish….you may be on to a really important lightbulb moment.

Allowing yourself to simply write what you need to write, and speak it out loud (even if to yourself) is all you need to start.

You don’t have to tell everyone. This is your internal work.

You don’t have to go up on stage and do The Work. You can say “pass” if you’re in an environment where it feels better to pass.

If it is super crazy stressful to share, talk, blab about something out loud, the solution is not necessarily blasting through your fears and talking anyway.

Simply notice. Relax.

“In almost every person, every religion, every group, every teaching and every teacher, there are ideas, beliefs, and assumptions that are overtly or covertly not open to question. Often these unquestioned beliefs hide superstitions which are protecting something which is untrue.” ~ Adyashanti

The only thing needed for doing The Work, on any topic, is a willingness to question what is stressful, to look at what I might be protecting and why.

“Don’t believe everything you think.” ~ Byron Katie

Sharing what you discover is not a requirement.

With much love,

Grace

P.S. If you’d like to join a group, to get that rockin’ awesome support team with you who may very well NOT react when you share your worst beliefs…then several 8 week teleclasses are starting soon, and a new YOI will begin in March (new time).