The other day I was talking with a very close girlfriend on skype, me in my very, very familiar position now lying back on the bed, pillows propping my head, keeping the pressure off my right sits bone, ice pack under my right thigh.
I was not feeling frustrated at all….like, not one dash of annoyance or shake of irritation, about my physical condition.
I was listening, intently, with great curiosity.
We were talking about relationships, love attractions.
She said how in the past she always was attracted to the man at the party who had some kind of brooding darkness surrounding him.
Wry humor, edgy appearance, hip, the color black.
Then she said she could relate to the wonderful speaker/writer Danielle Laporte who says “I used to have a contentious relationship with joy”.
I’ve heard others speak of this before. I happen to have read The Four Man Plan seven years ago about a scientific approach to dating for women.
In her book, author Cindy Lu jokes that it’s helpful to question yourself when you haven’t had the best experiences in partnership ….“remember, you suck at love”.
It’s not a criticism, but a mantra about not holding yourself back, about listening to your own inner voices and seeing if you really believe what they are saying.
It’s saying “now, now, remember…you’ve had some stressful beliefs running that are not exactly easy, helpful or LOVING when it comes to relationships…so don’t jump to conclusions about that man!”
As in, what I’ve done so far hasn’t exactly been the most blissed out love-filled dream.
As in, maybe your mind isn’t seeing the whole, complete picture.
Oh! Right!
Into my own mind suddenly flashed from my past, images followed by waves of interest, curiosity, attraction: black leather dude, rich independent dude, James Dean dude, alcoholic witty dude, muscled physical labor skateboarder dude, angry anti-establishment dude, depressed movie star Robert Downey Jr dude.
That man is attractive.
Is it true?
Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true?
Yes….Wait….No.
How do I react when I believe that thought that the dark brooding is attractive (or whatever your version of attractive is)?
I feel a magnetic pull in that direction, but I’m not sure it’s fun, or has integrity, or is peaceful or kind. It’s dramatic, searing, wild.
I forget about joy…innocent, childlike, playful joy.
Who would I be without the belief that what I’m seeing is attractive?
Nooooo! If I give this definition of “attractive” up, I won’t feel attraction ever!
I’d be bored, normal, compromising, bored…..and….bored.
Really? Are you sure?
Byron Katie writes about what happens when you believe you are calling the shots, when you’re in control…when you’re fighting reality….
….and what it would be like to question your thinking, to let go of your ideas of what is true:
“The alternative is to expect reality NOT to follow your plan. You realize that you have no idea what’s going to happen next. That way, you’re pleasantly surprised when things seem to be going your way, you’re pleasantly surprised when they don’t. In the second case, you may not have seen what the new possibilities are yet, but life quickly reveals them.” ~ Byron Katie
My friend and I laughed, as she imagined being open to alternative ideas about men, dating, and who is attractive or not attractive.
To be open to joy, inside herself, no matter who she was looking at.
No expectations, no demands, no plans, no control.
Attraction, repulsion….if either one causes stress, doubt, anxiety….
….question your story and see who you would be without it.
“Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
With much love,
Grace