Tag: say no

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Fear of Saying No

Several years ago, one of my daughter’s friends was staying with us for the weekend. They were excited for a double-night slumber party, and had many plans.

I thought they were very cute, collecting music and working out a project of some sort around preparing a dance number that would include the trampoline.

My daughter had made a list of what she wanted our family to have for dinner on one of the nights, and I had happily purchased all the groceries and a few treats.

During the second day, the two preteen girls came rushing into the house from playing outside, and the friend said “can we please have $20? We need to go to the store.”

I was so surprised by the question, I went mute and fumbled around.

“Uh…what for?”

“We’re getting a video, and we have some candy we want to buy, and we might want to buy some art supplies.”

I still said just about nothing. “Uh….uh….No, not right now.”

What the heck was going on?! I did NOT want to give them $20 to go shopping. It was a clear “no” inside.

About an hour later, I was talking to an old friend in another state far away, and I told her that this guest/friend of my daughter’s had just asked for $20, and my friend said “OMG, I absolutely cannot believe she asked you for money, that is appalling, how RUDE!”

I love that my friend had such a major reaction herself, just hearing about the request…because it helped me get a handle on why I was reacting with paralysis.

Now, I knew this girl was not rude. I knew she had no intention of being rude, or outrageous.

But I was so surprised, because it is social convention NOT to ask for money from friends, from other peoples’ parents, from your neighbors, even from people on the street.

It’s like…weird. If you ask for money (at least this was my story) then you were really down and out, it was embarrassing, it was awkward. Only desperate people ask for money.

Hadn’t this kid learned that yet?

Saying “no” to someone’s request seems very simple. Very straightforward. The sound is short, the word is quick. It’s even the same in many languages.

And yet…it will cause all sorts of thinking and mental energy to kick in…sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.

It all depends on what you think it may mean for you or for the other person AFTER you say “no”.

Even if you can’t anticipate their reaction, you may suddenly see they have a BAD or uncomfortable reaction when you say “no”, and BOOM, you may start feeling nervous.

So there I was with a twelve year old asking her what the money was going to be for that she wanted, when I actually didn’t care what she thought the money was going to be for.

The answer was “no”. Simple. I could have also said “don’t ask me for money, I don’t like it.”

But I decided to investigate my thinking. I have noticed some very similar responses to other questions, where I also had the answer “no” inside me, but hesitated or was surprised, or became anxious.

What was that?

She shouldn’t ask me for money, because WHY?

  • when I say “no” they may think of me as selfish or self-centered
  • their feelings will be hurt
  • they will get angry, upset, sad, disappointed
  • they will compare me to other people who say “yes” and think THOSE people are better
  • they will dismiss me, leave me, slink away from me
  • they will think I’m arrogant, close-minded, cheap

I realized, once again, that I believed this person shouldn’t even ask in the first place, because then I wouldn’t have to give my genuine answer and have them get all pissed off or disappointed.

I was avoiding conflict by not answering. I was avoiding responsibility.

In a twisty-turning way, I believed THEY should not even ask, so that I would not have to answer, so that they would not have to receive the answer, so that I would not be uncomfortable or unsafe when they reacted to the answer.

Gawd, so complicated.

Who would I be without the thought that I have to protect myself from other peoples’ feelings and reactions, or that I am the CAUSE of their discomfort?

Who would I be without the thought that there is something unsafe about speaking whatever is true for me in the moment?

The fairy tale Snow White and The Seven Dwarves is a great demonstration of this moment of “the ask”…

…the powerful queen asks the mirror “who’s the fairest of them all?” and when the mirror answers honestly that it’s someone else, the queen has a major hissy fit and wants to kill, kill, kill.

She didn’t like the answer she received, and things became dangerous.

But really, without the thought that I can anticipate the reaction, that I need to be gentle, that I might get a bad reaction, that I shouldn’t be too blunt, that I need to soften the truth, that I need to let someone down slowly, that I need to go easy on someone, that I need to be careful…

…I say no. No thank you. Thanks, but no. I hear you’d like a “yes” but the answer is “no”. That won’t work for me. Nope, not interested. No, I don’t want to go out with you. No, that movie does not appeal. No, I haven’t enjoyed that restaurant in the past. No, I prefer to stay home. No, I don’t want to talk. No, I’d rather not. No, I’m not really drawn. No, and I can see you’re upset, but the answer is “no”.

There really isn’t much agonizing over any of it. I’m not saying “no” with feeling of having to build up a force inside, or a wall, or a defense, or like I’m getting ready to face big consequences, like I have to stand up for myself and FIGHT!

It’s simple, open, empty. The answer happens to be “no”. No offense, no resistance.

I smile and say “no”, it makes me feel happy, kind to myself, uncomplicated. Like I can trust myself to be here for me.

What if saying no became the opposite of what I learned, what I believed before?

  • when I say “no” they may think of me as wise and clear
  • their feelings will be peaceful, my feelings will be peaceful
  • they will get excited, clear, happy, accepting (me too)
  • they will or will not compare me, and it will be fine whatever happens
  • they will dismiss me, leave me, slink away from me—no problem!
  • they will think I’m strong, capable, open-minded, unattached, without need

“My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes and no come from. To tell you Yes when my integrity says No is to divorce that partner.” ~ Byron Katie

I love that I am always here with me, being my absolute best friend, my most loyal lover, my favorite partner (my only partner, actually).

I really do know the answer to anything asked of me in any given moment. I can feel what’s true and what’s not. The integrity of it is loud and clear.

Following that personal answer is the greatest freedom. So sweet, so exciting, so trusting.

“If you want to know me, look inside your heart.” ~ Tao Te Ching #70 

Love, Grace

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When They Demand, Insist, Ask, Plead

I promised to send out the recording for the second free call on Monday, and here it is:

Listen to the replay here 5:15 pm Monday 6/10/2013

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The concept that rose to be questioned on the call was a concept many of us have felt at one time or another in life: that person wants me to do something, and I don’t want to!

So, there is another human being, making a request. They are asking for something with words, or perhaps you’ve inferred over time what they want.

Maybe they’re yelling at you “I want you to do it RIGHT NOW!”

Or maybe they’re crying and looking forlorn, and you believe that if you do what they’ve asked, they’ll stop feeling sad.

Maybe they just give you a look…and you get a crunched feeling in your gut because you’re SURE they want THAT…and you don’t like it.

This is a stressful situation. It doesn’t feel simple. You feel torn.

They ask for what they want……and you agonize, you fret, you worry, you feel angry, you have conversations in your head with them, you avoid them.

They shouldn’t even ask in the first place! Look at all the stress they’re causing! JEEZ!

The thing I love about this concept is that I find out, for myself, how uncomfortable I am with telling someone “no”.

And not just saying “no” but feeling confidence, a sense of centeredness, like I’m following an important message from the inside, and simultaneously seeing that person not as the enemy who has asked for something terrible, but simply a human being making a request.

I remember being 15 years old. My mother wanted me to clean my room.

For some reason, I felt a blazing fire of refusal that day. I don’t care what happens to me….I won’t do it!

I have never seen my mom so furious. This was outright war.

I have so much compassion for her now, in that moment. I’ve felt the same rage towards my own beautiful daughter….and I screamed at her!

When we’re believing that someone else wants us to do something, and that there is something frightening or uncomfortable about responding to that person, then it is very stressful.

I loved doing The Work on this concept yesterday.

We all know what it’s like to believe the thought “they want me to do it!”

Some of us fight. Attack! Throw the bum out!

Some of us get clever and sneaky. The dog ripped my bank statement to shreds!

Some of us cut off that person. No texting, no response, no answering the phone. Return To Sender, Addressee Unknown.

But all around, it’s stressful. A little bit anxious, or super scary.

Who would you be without the thought “that person wants me to do something I don’t want to do”?

My anxiety level drops about 20 points. I don’t feel so sure that person who is doing the asking is a mean, nasty ogre….or a powerful perpetrator…or a bossy ruler of the universe…or a needy weakling who’s about to keel over.

I don’t assume that I am either a victim or someone big and powerful, with no ability to love and speak up and take care of myself andhonor them.

I can hear their request and simply consider it, with an open mind.

Without the thought, everything feels more simple.

Will you please leave? Oh…Ok. Sure.
Will you move in with me? No…I love having my own place. 
Will you run an errand for me? Yes! I adore walking to the store.
Will you do my laundry every week? No. 
Will you save money? No. I love spending everything I receive.
Will you have sex with me? That sounds fun, but I have a few important questions first like do you have a disease? Are you sleeping with other people? Etc.
Will you clean the bathroom? I’ll clean the bathroom, you clean the kitchen.
Will you go on a date with me? No, thank you.
Will you buy me a present? Sure!
Will you pay my tuition? No, I wish I could but I don’t have the money.
 

And can you change your mind?

Yes!

Perhaps the turnaround is truer, that the person does NOT want you to do something you don’t want to do. Not really.

Perhaps you’ve been having the same kinds of thoughts as that person….and you’ve been insisting that THEY do something or behave in some way, or say or think or feel something that THEY don’t want to do!

And perhaps, ultimately, YOU don’t want to do something you don’t want to do!

“The voice within is what I’m married to. All marriage is a metaphor for that marriage. My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes and no come from. That’s my true partner. It’s always there. And to tell you yes when my integrity says no is to divorce that partner.” ~Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

P.S. Two spaces available for Breitenbush. Weds evening through Sunday early afternoon 6/26-6/30. Come to Oregon with us, and imagine leaving with your body not being a problem. Click here for more information.