Several years ago, one of my daughter’s friends was staying with us for the weekend. They were excited for a double-night slumber party, and had many plans.
I thought they were very cute, collecting music and working out a project of some sort around preparing a dance number that would include the trampoline.
My daughter had made a list of what she wanted our family to have for dinner on one of the nights, and I had happily purchased all the groceries and a few treats.
During the second day, the two preteen girls came rushing into the house from playing outside, and the friend said “can we please have $20? We need to go to the store.”
I was so surprised by the question, I went mute and fumbled around.
“Uh…what for?”
“We’re getting a video, and we have some candy we want to buy, and we might want to buy some art supplies.”
I still said just about nothing. “Uh….uh….No, not right now.”
What the heck was going on?! I did NOT want to give them $20 to go shopping. It was a clear “no” inside.
About an hour later, I was talking to an old friend in another state far away, and I told her that this guest/friend of my daughter’s had just asked for $20, and my friend said “OMG, I absolutely cannot believe she asked you for money, that is appalling, how RUDE!”
I love that my friend had such a major reaction herself, just hearing about the request…because it helped me get a handle on why I was reacting with paralysis.
Now, I knew this girl was not rude. I knew she had no intention of being rude, or outrageous.
But I was so surprised, because it is social convention NOT to ask for money from friends, from other peoples’ parents, from your neighbors, even from people on the street.
It’s like…weird. If you ask for money (at least this was my story) then you were really down and out, it was embarrassing, it was awkward. Only desperate people ask for money.
Hadn’t this kid learned that yet?
Saying “no” to someone’s request seems very simple. Very straightforward. The sound is short, the word is quick. It’s even the same in many languages.
And yet…it will cause all sorts of thinking and mental energy to kick in…sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.
It all depends on what you think it may mean for you or for the other person AFTER you say “no”.
Even if you can’t anticipate their reaction, you may suddenly see they have a BAD or uncomfortable reaction when you say “no”, and BOOM, you may start feeling nervous.
So there I was with a twelve year old asking her what the money was going to be for that she wanted, when I actually didn’t care what she thought the money was going to be for.
The answer was “no”. Simple. I could have also said “don’t ask me for money, I don’t like it.”
But I decided to investigate my thinking. I have noticed some very similar responses to other questions, where I also had the answer “no” inside me, but hesitated or was surprised, or became anxious.
What was that?
She shouldn’t ask me for money, because WHY?
- when I say “no” they may think of me as selfish or self-centered
- their feelings will be hurt
- they will get angry, upset, sad, disappointed
- they will compare me to other people who say “yes” and think THOSE people are better
- they will dismiss me, leave me, slink away from me
- they will think I’m arrogant, close-minded, cheap
I realized, once again, that I believed this person shouldn’t even ask in the first place, because then I wouldn’t have to give my genuine answer and have them get all pissed off or disappointed.
I was avoiding conflict by not answering. I was avoiding responsibility.
In a twisty-turning way, I believed THEY should not even ask, so that I would not have to answer, so that they would not have to receive the answer, so that I would not be uncomfortable or unsafe when they reacted to the answer.
Gawd, so complicated.
Who would I be without the thought that I have to protect myself from other peoples’ feelings and reactions, or that I am the CAUSE of their discomfort?
Who would I be without the thought that there is something unsafe about speaking whatever is true for me in the moment?
The fairy tale Snow White and The Seven Dwarves is a great demonstration of this moment of “the ask”…
…the powerful queen asks the mirror “who’s the fairest of them all?” and when the mirror answers honestly that it’s someone else, the queen has a major hissy fit and wants to kill, kill, kill.
She didn’t like the answer she received, and things became dangerous.
But really, without the thought that I can anticipate the reaction, that I need to be gentle, that I might get a bad reaction, that I shouldn’t be too blunt, that I need to soften the truth, that I need to let someone down slowly, that I need to go easy on someone, that I need to be careful…
…I say no. No thank you. Thanks, but no. I hear you’d like a “yes” but the answer is “no”. That won’t work for me. Nope, not interested. No, I don’t want to go out with you. No, that movie does not appeal. No, I haven’t enjoyed that restaurant in the past. No, I prefer to stay home. No, I don’t want to talk. No, I’d rather not. No, I’m not really drawn. No, and I can see you’re upset, but the answer is “no”.
There really isn’t much agonizing over any of it. I’m not saying “no” with feeling of having to build up a force inside, or a wall, or a defense, or like I’m getting ready to face big consequences, like I have to stand up for myself and FIGHT!
It’s simple, open, empty. The answer happens to be “no”. No offense, no resistance.
I smile and say “no”, it makes me feel happy, kind to myself, uncomplicated. Like I can trust myself to be here for me.
What if saying no became the opposite of what I learned, what I believed before?
- when I say “no” they may think of me as wise and clear
- their feelings will be peaceful, my feelings will be peaceful
- they will get excited, clear, happy, accepting (me too)
- they will or will not compare me, and it will be fine whatever happens
- they will dismiss me, leave me, slink away from me—no problem!
- they will think I’m strong, capable, open-minded, unattached, without need
“My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes and no come from. To tell you Yes when my integrity says No is to divorce that partner.” ~ Byron Katie
I love that I am always here with me, being my absolute best friend, my most loyal lover, my favorite partner (my only partner, actually).
I really do know the answer to anything asked of me in any given moment. I can feel what’s true and what’s not. The integrity of it is loud and clear.
Following that personal answer is the greatest freedom. So sweet, so exciting, so trusting.
“If you want to know me, look inside your heart.” ~ Tao Te Ching #70
Love, Grace