At a huge conference yesterday, I had an experience I haven’t had in a very long time.
Feeling very, very full after eating a feast in a really gorgeous, high end restaurant with lovely people and several hours of conversation.
As I bicycled home late at night the moon shone brightly and the air was warm…this is Scottsdale, Arizona…the desert.
All was well, until I stopped moving, jumped off my bike and entered my hotel room.
Then…woah.
My stomach is so full!
As I drank some water (so full), as I brushed my teeth (so full), as I pulled back the soft sheets (so full), as I checked emails quickly (so full), as I closed my laptop and turned out the light (so full), as I lay in silence on my back, feeling my stomach with the palms of my hands (so full).
As it turned out, something disagreed with my stomach and twice in the night I got up with diarrhea.
When something feels off in the body, the mind loves to comment.
Have you noticed?
No matter what kind of sickness, even a common cold, the mind may chatter away saying “you should have washed your hands after encountering those kids”, “you should have gotten better rest the other day”, “you shouldn’t have eaten that food”, or “you should have taken your vitamins”….
It will go on and on trying to figure out where you made the mistake, so you can avoid it again.
But what if you observe that the reason you feel bad is all because of YOU. Then, there is another meaner more vicious voice that can attack you for succumbing to your cravings. It’s bitter, critical and judgmental.
And really feels horrible. Important for inquiry.
Let’s look.
- you should know better
- I can’t believe you drank that/ate that
- there is something completely wrong with you
- you’re an idiot
- you must not love yourself
- this means you’re a fraud, childish, sick, needy, gross
You may have felt this way a thousand times, if you’re someone who falls into a compulsive process with food (or many other behaviors).
But instead of being so mean and raging an army against your own behavior…try something different.
Who would you be without these thoughts? Who would you be without believing your story about what happened, what’s wrong with you, or why you’re a failure?
If you’ve had a binge, take a deep breath.
Be very quiet.
Can you notice what is gentle, peaceful and sweet about this moment, now?
What else are you, besides your thoughts about the way you eat?
Can you find the opposite to your thinking?
- you should not know any better
- It’s completely believable and OK that you drank that/ate that
- there is something completely right with you
- you’re a genius
- you must love yourself
- this means you’re a normal human, innocent, healthy, have needs, beautiful
How could it be as true, or truer, that all unfolded as it did and you can learn from what happened?
If you’ve binged, it can be difficult to catch the thoughts you had before you felt the urge to binge…but it’s totally possible for you.
I suggest getting a Food Journal. Long ago I called mine a Binge Journal.
Write in it as soon as you remember, whether a day later after a binge, several hours after, 15 minutes after, the middle of it, or when the craving first arises.
You won’t be able to capture your thoughts on paper BEFORE you feel the cravings, if this is a new process. Don’t expect that of yourself, you’ll discover so much just by looking back at your last binge or over-eating episode.
What were you feeling, before cravings rose up? What was happening for you before you felt uncertainty, before you ate, before you drank, before you grabbed for something? Who did you think about or talk with? What did you feel afraid of?
For me…as I look right now today, I see a lot of inner activity was going on, and I didn’t take time to be with myself and rest.
Thoughts that floated through my mind yesterday, before the dinner ever took place, were like this: there are soooo many people at this conference, I want to connect with people more intimately but I’m finding it hard, I want to rest and feel the inner energy I love so much, I wish I had more money, I wish I had more time, I don’t completely belong here, I’d rather be at a meditation retreat, I’m all alone, this place is unfamiliar, I need to squeeze everything I can out of this conference and I’m not doing a good job, I am not really successful in my work.
It felt alarming, somewhat anxious. I had not stopped and questioned what I was thinking. I had believed a lot of what I thought.
Don’t belong. Not enough. Separate.
Without any of these thoughts about what I should or should not be doing, or that I am not connected or enough….
….I feel so relieved. Quiet.
Back again to nothing being required, nothing more needed in this moment, nothing missing.
“Freedom from obsession is not about something you do; it’s about knowing who you are. It’s about recognizing what sustains you and what exhausts you. What you love and what you think you love because you believe you can’t have it.” ~ Geneen Roth
Blessings to all of you who have felt the numbing harsh pain of that Mean Voice talking to you, and seeking comfort in food or drink or something that hurts you later.
There is an answer, there is a reason for it all. There is nothing wrong with you.
Here is a video for you, by a sweet spiritual teacher named Mooji. Very simple, very kind. This is one thing you can do after a binge, or when you’re overwhelmed with self-criticism or cravings.
Much love,
Grace
Eating Peace will begin on October 26th. We’ll meet most Wednesday and Sunday mornings from 8:30-10 am Pacific Time for twelve weeks. We’ll practice self-care, self-love, inquiry, and stopping before bingeing, and stopping before wild believing of everything you think. Read more details and sign up by clicking
HERE.
Much love,
